Best: The Gimps Working Miz’s Awesome Balloons
Maybe you all figured this out two WrestlesMania ago, but it was a total ‘Secrets Of Magic Revealed’ moment for me. I assumed WWE used TECHNOLOGY~ to make Miz’s AWESOME balloon word split in half and come back together during his entrance, but nope, they used the Greendale Human Being: a team of guys in white morphsuits and headsets sneak out when you aren’t looking, blow up the balloons, hide behind them and manipulate them as necessary. When Miz is in the ring drawing your attention, the lights dim and they deflate and bail.
How great is that? I felt like I was discovering the secret of the Grail. Like maybe all this time Alex Riley has been an elaborate balloon moved around by guys in Team Rocket Invisible Suits. I’ve still got the suit from my Human Being Halloween costume last October, maybe I’ll break it out again this year and be a Miz Balloon Guy.
Best: Knowing When To Time Your Bathroom Breaks
Here’s a handy guide about when you should and shouldn’t go to the bathroom (or merch stand, or concession stand) during a WWE live show:
If You Are Brandon Stroud: Go during the Triple H match. Nobody’s out there.
If You Are Anybody Else: Most people go to the bathroom when WWE tells them they should — when a Divas match, low-level tag match or unannounced thing featuring a guy we barely see happens. During most pay-per-views, the Divas match is it. This is horrible, and women should be respected/allowed to perform on a level playing field, but it’s true. That wasn’t on the card last night, so like 95% of people who had to piss did so during the Prime Time Players tag match. That was the go-to.
You don’t want to do any of that. That’s when EVERYONE goes, so you’re left standing in line forever, and by the time you get your hot dog or take your shit or buy your Santino Marella Ass Cobra, the thing you didn’t care about is over and you’re missing something cool. The trick is to go during a time when most people are in their seats to see something cool, but with a big lull in the middle. At WrestleMania I took my break after the intros for Hell In A Cell and got back in time to see the last 7 or 8 minutes of the match, which were the only important parts. At Summerslam I chose the Miz/Mysterio match, because Miz just won the belt, just filmed a WWE Films movie and Rey Mysterio is dressed as Batman and wearing a shirt.
I walked down the steps in time to see the finish, and didn’t miss anything I couldn’t live without missing.
Worst: The Prime Time Players Without A.W.
These poor guys. On our way to lunch one day we walked past the Prime Time Players, and being a horrid mark I did the hand gesture and went ARRA ARRA ARRA. Titus kinda looked at me and nodded just a little, which was code for “that’s cool that you like me and know my thing but I’m at work and I’m supposed to hate you”.
The highlight of the tag team match was either the big KOBE BRYANT chant started in reference to the gone and disappointingly-forgotten A.W. or R-Truth on the apron beckoning us to chant KO-FI, KO-FI, KO-FI and having it turn into KO-BE, KO-BE, KO-BE. The worst part of the match was Kofi Kingston, who doesn’t know how to do wrestling moves or bump and threw a top rope clothesline so bad Kane probably punched him in the dick backstage.
Without A.W., here’s to hoping this is the swan song for the Players and we can put them in a crate and ship them back to NXT so Derrick Bateman and Camacho can have their shot at Raw glory. If they do, I’ve already christened them Macho Camacho.
Best: I Am One Section Over From The Wacky Celebrity Section
I totally was. Here’s a quick review of the celebrities at SummerSlam:
David Arquette - I tried pretty hard to get a mark photo with Arquette, if only to say I did and to tell him Eight Legged Freaks is one of my favorite movies ever. I wasn’t going to tell him I like it because of busty 18-year old Scarlett Johansson. I have long since moved past my David Arquette blood lust and appreciate him as the luckiest wrestling celebrity ever … a guy who made a terrible movie and got a f**king world title run out of it. Not just a fluke, a RUN. He’s had a better wrestling career than Roderick Strong.
Rick Rubin - “Whoa, that’s Rick Rubin.” That was almost my entire review for him. I wanted him to hop the rails and produce a Brock Lesnar victory over Triple H at one point. He was at the show with a beautiful young brown woman dressed like Esméralda from The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and I don’t know if she’s his girlfriend or daughter or what, but that is EXACTLY the person who should be going to a wrestling show with Rick Rubin.
Fred Durst - F**k Fred Durst.
Best: Maria Menounos’s Bob Backlund Shirt
Celebrity of the night goes to Maria Menounos, who you may remember as the lady who did a stink face in white pants at WrestleMania and got Eve Torres’ tanner on her ass. She was really nice to everyone and took pictures with a bunch of random mouthbreathers when she absolutely didn’t have to, plus she was rocking the only shit in the building better than my Team Johnny number — a Bob Backlund shirt with a Presedential headshot on the front and a black and white still on the back. That is money wrestling fanboy attire. My only disappointment is that Mario Lopez was nowhere to be found.
Also, this happened:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/impact-wrestling-scratch-off-game-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
Fuck + yes!
Also, yeah, Brandon, the blue ball cap + bright pink Ziggler shirt = No! (No! No!)
Yeah, I know, but I didn’t have a hat to match it and didn’t want to have ugly hair in all those photos. There is no Dolph Ziggler coordinating Minor League team.
Baht tahm.
Banh mi
I nearly went to Banh Mi for lunch today but the line was ridiculously long. Christian could have hit the Killswitch in the time between placing my order and getting my sandwich.
I’ve never heard of this, but now I’m finding one. You give me purpose.
WYO- OHHHHH Man you are in for a treat, because you’re about to discover a delicious and cheap luncheon option.
I want a Damien Sandow poster.
So who else couldn’t STOP looking at the coin purse?
I see 20 different bulges on 20 different guys twice a week, but I was particularly enticed by this one.
At first, I was like, “Coin purse? What the hell is he talking about?” Then, I saw it. GAHH!
I will never be able to unsee the Pit Pat working the Awesome letters.
Brandon, can you talk to them about fixing the fucking glitch/Bull shit when you do a move and someone walks up and does the pick up… because… seriously… who goes from dropping someone with a zig zag to being helpless a second later….thanks love you
Page 7 is up, for interested parties.
Oh and by the way, for discussion, does anyone feel like Triple Hache – Bork LAZER is WWE’s version of Knightfall? Like someone bought a copy of it when “Dark Knight” came out and just let the pen do the work?
Well that certainly wasn’t meant as a reply.
Sorry Brandon, but your point about timing your bathroom break during Miz/Mysterio is dead wrong. It was one of the best matches either guy has had in quite some time.
“them?”
what
Her?
Krill!
I would have gone during the Kevin Rudolf performance, but I was too mesmerised by the fact that THAT was Kevin Rudolf. I thought it was Jon Lovitz at first.
This was an awesome, awesome write-up and I’m pumped for you/jealous at all the cool stuff you got to do.
Question though: Did you try to slip in a WL plug to anybody? I feel like Bateman’s had to have mentioned it to somebody at some point. I also like pretending your mark photo with Ziggler was actually HIS mark photo with the writer who has memorialized the Assroll.gif.
Same question, of course there’s 5000 wrestling bloggers out there, but was there a little something that let you think someone knew who you were?
You are living the dream, Mr. Stroud. Living the dream and almost talking me into buying another WWE video game.
Dammit.
Also,the Brandon/Maria photo is great because the guy in the Dolph shirt photobombing
Completely agree.
Just finished page three. Jesus Christ.
The worst thing I’ve seen about WWE 13 so far is that is doesn’t have Tyson Kidd, come on, get it together Stroud. (No, I’m never, ever going to stop complaining about this.)
Seriously, this is great though, almost too many mark-out moments for one weekend, I don’t know how you’re even still breathing.
And there are 3 different Triple H’s to choose from.
The game has three versions of Triple HHH because WWE LOG1k!!!!
i might rent it. some games i don’t see blowing 50+ dollars on and some i think are worth the 7$ rental fee
For the record, this entire weekend sounds utterly incredible and my JEALOUSY- points have skyrocketed. Congratulations on moving up in the world, man.
Do you end up meeting Punk? If so, was he a jerk?
I did, and he totally was.
What did he say? FUEL OUR HATRED!
I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m thrilled Punk is a jerk.
You know Punk is bitter because know matter what he does he can’t outsell goddamn Cena at the merch stand.
He didn’t really say anything, I was just kinda awkward and he wasn’t helping me out. Everyone else there was really gracious and nice, and he just seemed like he was bothered by people.
At least we know that Sheamus is a gentlefella, which is good.
I’m guessing Punk’s irritation with people has as much to do with him not truly being given the whole ‘face of the company’ push as anything.
He seemed personable enough in the interviews I’ve seen; but it also seems like he can’t be counted on not to be uncooperative and dickish if he’s in a mood.
Haven’t read it but I want to say thank you for doing these for us. I know it’s a lot of work but it brings a big smile to my face so thanks!
Jerry Lawler’s head looks like a pickled testicle.
Hey, guess what? You are awesome, Brandon, and this column is awesome, and you need to get big and important enough that you can decline events like this because everything about them has become too rote and passe.
I love you for real, Lobster Mobster.
“…you need to get big and important enough that you can decline events like this because everything about them has become too rote and passe.”
-You could send me instead! :D
uhhhh heh heh
Yes, send Alex, so that he can fulfill his destiny with Eve.
YES, LET IT BE FULFILLED! I vow to actually get words to come out of my mouth this time, she will not catch me off guard by her saying that I’m cute AGAIN!
What was the Zack Ryder main course? I really need to know for some reason
probably protein powder mixed with tanner
I was thinking the Woo Woo Woo Wings, something lazy like that
I can’t remember but you’re right, it was the Woo Woo Woo something.
Half-BROasted Chicken
EDIT: That’s not my guess, that’s what it was really called
Just finished page six. Trying to figure out a way of asking what Maria Menounos smells like without being creepy. Failing.
I don’t remember her smelling like anything (we were in an arena and it was late in the show, after all) but I remember her kinda feeling and seeming like a mannequin. She was very nice, though, and her shirt ruled.
And we’re up in our entirety! Enjoy the report, friends.
Fantastic stuff as always!
You’re a giant among men.
LastTexansFan looks exactly the way I imagined him. I need to figure out a less creepy way to express that thought. I hope Brandon herranged him into hanging out in the open threads more, legal career be damned!
Until proven otherwise, I assume everyone is an Alex Rileyian silhouette
Devastatingly handsome? I’m risking that legal “career” right now, but dammit, it’s worth it.
Pin-up level handsome. Something to keep in mind when With Leather has a B&W calendar to save the +Rhodes Rec Center.
@Lobster Things that can’t be unthought. I will now too see WL-ites I don’t know as Alex Riley silhouettes. Even the ladies.
Loved it. Sounds like you had a blast. I just watched a couple Chikara DVDs from 2011 and I might be more jealous of your upcoming King of Trios trip than this one.
Trios is the best. Come to Trios!
Good stuff, but Summerslam 2002 was in Long Island.
Rock-Brock was Summerslam 2003
why whatever do you mean, I didn’t mention that at all /shifty eyes
No, it was 2002.
♫ It was 1970-something. ♫
all the +1
Surely DB has raised the bar for wrestling chants. Now he can be anything he wants to be and still the crowd know exactly what to chant. This is as big a deal as the saucer boss at the end of Phoenix.
im at the depressing point where B&Ws are like 90% of the reason i even tune in to wwe programming.
im going to start saving myself the 5-8 hours a week, and just stick to reading these. monday night football would have done this anyway, im just getting a head start.
Brandon, you sound a lot cooler than I thought you would. You know how we imagine how someone would sound…you top it.
Also, I sat two rows behind Jenny McCarthy last year @ SummerSlam. But, because she’s a meanie, I got no photo with her :-( Kudos for the Menounos pic!
You should listen to the wrestling podcasts I’ve done, they’re a lot of fun.
Speaking of With Spandex, is there another installment on the horizon?
Hopefully. I got really busy over the summer so I’m hoping to get it started again soon.
Wonderful report. I like to think that Yes! will become a thing like the You Suck chants during Kurt Angle’s theme and he will be able to say to some impetuous punk someday during a face run that whether he’s loved or hated that he EARNED that epic crowd response.
I think my favorite part was your interaction with Sheamus…I literally didn’t know what was going to happen here
Everyone, if you have a chance to meet Brandon and Destiny, do it. Was a fantastic time and I only wished I still lived in Texas to ensure more great conversations and great (I was shocked) vegan food. I had an amazing time guys and it was a pleasure meeting you.
On that note, if you’re ever in San Francisco, Golden Era has some awesome vegan chinese food (the sweet potato curry was delicious, as were the fried bananas). However, if you ever find yourself in that area, RUN.
Every word of this is true. Also, I ate vegan 98% of the time I hung out with them, and all of it was amazing. They keep coaxing me to move to Austin. I just might have to.
Aw, come on…a little time in the ‘loin never hurt anybody.
I spent two days in the Tenderloin in November and it included saving my buddy from a mug/rape by a group of gay crackheads. Not that there is anything wrong with that (mug/rape). Luckily crackheads lack bone mass and coordination.
Regarding the first paragraph: Been there; done that. Hopefully one day, will do it again.
Love the Sheamus story! I look forward to Ziggy eventually taking the belt from him.
“Before I start, the coin purse is the worst part of that picture. NO, DON’T LOOK FOR IT.”
Too late–not that it was difficult to find and all…
Welcome to Inappropriate Crotches Theater.
Did I happen to mention how jealous I was that you got your picture taken with Stone Cold Steve Austin? That is nothing–NOTHING!–compared to how jealous I am that he actually interviewed you. I would have turned into a pile of babbling goo and then died on the spot.
What Titus O’Neal does is referred to a “barking and throwing up the hooks.” You may have seen Steve McNair do it after throwing a TD. They’re what members of his frat do. Don’t do this outside of the arena. It’s weird enough that he does it as a gimmick. **************The ***More *You Know** *
It’ll probably get co-opted by white culture in due time.
(cue THESTINGER saying white people are the worst)
I thought it was odd that Michael Cole went into detail as to what that barking thing is actually called. …Which of course I’ve already forgotten. Was he called out on Twitter about it, or something? I was only half listening.
That’s a reasonable request, but once he used it as a wrestling taunt that shit became public domain.
“It’ll probably get co-opted by white culture in due time.”
The idea that wrestlers do “something” to get over which primarily involves imitation by fans is why I’m amazed no one has stopped him.
For a split second I’m sure Titus thought Brandon was a Frat brother.
He initially said it was a Gator bark because Titus played for Florida under Steve Spurrier. Reading through the comments for SummerSlam, it was pointed out it’s a Q-Bark for his fraternity, so the WWE mole we have here on With Leather must have passed that info along to him Monday morning.
“That’s a reasonable request, but once he used it as a wrestling taunt that shit became public domain.”
Sir.
Bateman…
I thought he was singing the Smackdown theme “Everybody On The Ground”.
I was totes going to complain about this being late. Then I read it and I’m like “I love you Brandon!”
Stone Cold sounds like the coooolest guy ever.
That photo of the Miz gimp… you’ve captured something that shouldn’t be seen… and now everyone who looks at it will be haunted by giant inflatable letters until their grizzly death :(
He’s coming for us all!
Sorry for being a jerk, but you want “grisly death”. Unless you mean we all die by bear attack, which would also be grisly. JERK-LASS, AWAY!
I meant full on Timothy Treadwell grizzly death.
(no i didn’t :( )
Good thing it was Jericho’s coin purse that burned my eyes…the Zig Zag Man’s would be selling my stare by swinging to and fro…
…too much info again?
I genuinely had a better time and more positive emotional responses to reading this report than I did watching Summerslam. Thanks, B. Some of my favourite bits:
“I’ll have you know, this is Egyptian cotton”
The expressions on both of your faces in the Heyman photo.
The credit ish reference!
The girl holding the Slater sign’s general aura of melancholy.
And just the whole good thing happening to a good person of it all. It’s heartwarming.
I’m so glad you got to meet Sheamus and see what a total bro he is. Really, he’s one of the biggest class acts I’ve ever encountered, famous or no.
And your Paul E. story reminds me of my Sara Del Rey story, where she introduced herself to me and I forgot everything but my middle name.
Now Stone Cold? That’s a dream. I’d tell the Rock to piss off, and I’ve actively tried to put myself in situations to insult Jeff Hardy and Hulk Hogan, but Austin? Christ if I don’t blame you.
I didn’t know Miz is capable of doing the Super Ghost Kamikaze Attack? Cool!
The four replies you got to that Tout were an amazing cross-section: one fat guy who asserted a) “Triple H shoulda won it” and b) “you do not represent the internet”, a little kid in a Cena shirt who was sure Hunter would “bounce back” on Raw, a teenager in a DX shirt and a faux-hawk who simply shook his head and crotch-chopped, and an obese, shirtless Scottish man who seemed rather genial, considering. Glorious.
I like the juxtaposition of the first guy’s polite “Triple H shoulda won it. Sorry buddy.” in his video, and the title of that video being “ur an ass u dont represnet internet u dumb shit”.
I don’t know if those replies have scared me away from ever posting a video on Tout or if they make me want to immediately start posting videos on it.
Since I’m super jerk, pretty sure the shirtless guy was Welsh. At least, it looked like a Welshian dragon tapestry on his wall.
Oh, and IrishCream – you should totally tout!
Ah that makes more sense. I didn’t think directly Scottish but I couldn’t quite place it. NO JERKDOM RECEIVED.
touttouttouttouttoutotutoutoutoutou
How do you see the replies to Brandon’s video? I still can’t figure out Tout.
Ari – If you click on the #Perfect Storm title thing on Brandon’s tout it’ll take you to the video on Tout.com, and as it’s playing there, there’s a section in the bottom center of the video with “Replies”, click that to get to Brandon’s video plus all the replies to it.
Tout is very confusing.
Pretty sure I would Tout like the teenage girls used to shout random shit during TRL on MTV back in the day.
That is the best use for Tout, IrishCream.
Spoiler: My first tout is just gonna be me singing “Tout! Tout! Let it all out! These are the things I can do without!” followed by a list things that annoy me about the WWE.
Ditto to the wonderful crosssection of Touters. And Lobster is right, he’s Welsh (or in Welsh “Cymry” because I watch too much effin Doctor Who to not know that)
“A guy with class speaking for intelligent wrestling fans is the REAL voice of the voiceless, you snarky fry cook.”
This may be my favorite sentence of yours ever. I’m pretty sad with what he’s become.
LOL, Macho Camacho! :D
For brevity’s sake, the team will be announced simply as “Hector”
I think I would have died just seeing the people Brandon met (granted i’m a shy, boderline hermit), so that was pretty cool to see.
I’m really happy to make it in the Top Ten for not a Jerry-Lawler-Fucks-Children-Joke for once. You’re the best Brandon.
For reals though Brandon, amazing column. It’s very strange seeing our little corner of the internet slowly intersect more and more with actual reality. I truly am so happy for you. Great article.
Great column, Brandon. Except the Sheamus thing. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice that Sheamus has accepted his “George Clooney in Batman & Robin” role in ruining WrestleMania for thousands of people, but you made me start to not hate him.
Everyone has a role in the thread and I’m trying to fill the “That Troll that Just Doesn’t Like Sheamus for Some Reason” part. Its either that or “One Good Comment out of a Thousand Bad Comments”.
I liked this report a lot. It was fun and organic and one of my favorite Best and Worsts in a very long time.
I am still not sure of my plans for Trios, but will probably be there at least Sunday, so…hooray for mark photos, I guess?
I really enjoyed your story about meeting Sheamus. It really makes me want to see WWE stop being so horrible with their Sheamus booking. hearing him be apologetic about WM makes me feel BAD for him, you know? It softened my intenet wrestling fan heart.
“BEEF SANDWICH WITH CHICKEN SAUCE” is essentially all there is to eat in Tennessee, too. That and all varieties of BBQ animal… I enjoyed your report very much.
Criminy, how bad has Stone Cold screwed up his knees that he has to wear the brace to a press conference?
He just had knee surgery.
THANKS FOR NOTHING THQ YOU BASTARDS. Eheeh!
This post is more fun than shoehorning Marxist theory into wrestling!
I cannot believe you took a bathroom break during the HiaC match at WM. You must’ve had to go really, really bad.
Initial thoughts when seeing Stroud photos with non-jobby wrestlers: Terminal; Inoperable; Is there an adult version of Make-A-Wish?
Thoughts after reading this: Ahhh, Ok, THQ; Glad you’re healthy; My favorite wrestling column lives on!
I feel like I went to SummerSlam vicariously through you. Great read and congrats on the hobnobbing with WWE guys. Good for you, B-Stro.
This column made me smile a lot.
Brandon Stroud and Chris Sims together at FanAxxess should have collapsed the space time continuum. All my calculations…
So happy for you that this is your life now. Great writeup and good to see you so excited.
“Tyson because being vegan and the star of one of the best Nintendo games ever doesn’t really make up for being the rapist version of The Iron Sheik.”
What about wife beaters? Rape and abuse survivor here and it’s sort of odd how you’re all excited to meet SCSA and let that pass with nary a joke in your recap.
That’s because Austin didn’t “beat his wife”. It’s a debatable, sketchy point, but if you read the reports of what happened it was not a systematic, premeditated, violent assault like Tyson’s.
I dunno dude, charged in 2002 with hitting his wife who’d also said she’d been relunctant to call the cops due to his fame (which jibes with what we know in general w/r/t underreporting of abuse) and two years later he assualted his then-girlfriend, too.
Listen, you can like whoever you want. It’s okay to like problematic things, we’re pro graps fans after all– it’s just good to acknowledge the problems, too, y’know, and you’ve always done a good job of that.
At any rate, this was a great recap, and in particular, I love how you were able to explain both when to head for a bathroom break, and why HHH got deservedly boourns’d.
Your WWE 13 event experience mirrored mine. I got to go to an EA event for FIFA 13 in Manhattan, and interviewed and met a bunch of the players for Tottenham Hotspur (who I am a fan of and write about) and holy shit, your experience with Steve Austin reminds me of my experience with Gareth Bale.
I imagine Brandon speaks for the internet much like the Lorax speaks for the trees.
/that’s a compliment, btw
Thanks for not going full live wrestling show reporter and saying your chants got over and you were the coolest guy in your section.
Aside from that, I mean this with lots of love, I hate you. lol. That experience sounds absolutely amazing! I’m still shocked Maria Menounous is a real, legit wrestling fan.
Next time you’re talking with a wrestler like Sheamus (a face who’s really a heel), ask what is the WWE;s deal with making heels faces and faces heels. I’m curious to see what they say.
GREAT recap and thanks for representing a very specific type of pro wrestling fan there. Forgive me for my Rybackian greediness, but what was meeting AJ, Punk, and Ziggler like?
Awesome recap. Props on the free ticket to SummerSlam. Had I known there’d be WWE-inspired food menu items at the ESPN Zone I would’ve made the 15 minute drive from my place! I think you best summed up being a wrestling fan with this line: “You know, plus the indignity of checking in, then picking up a WWE chair at baggage claim in front of everybody.” Perfect. I’m also getting tired of these forced Triple H send off moments… Please read my article about it (cheap plug) [oldschooljabronies.com]
I could’ve sworn I posted the other day but now I can’t find it. :(
Great re-cap Brandon! I’m seriously happy for you that you got some love from THQ and hopefully SummerSlam made up for PALMTREE-GATE.
Basically, I can’t tell you how much I love the Anti-Brandon Reply Touts. 4 people that simultaneously prove everything Sandow says about the WWE universe is true. You’re welcome, Sandow. Brandon did that shit FOR YOU.
I can’t wait to someday also have Mark Photos will all of you fine people. Although, I’m putting this out there… once I find out that Tobogganing Bear is in fact NOT a Bear… I’m going to be a sad bunny. Like when we found out Alex* was not a Business Cat… it was rough man… rough. ;)
Was my lack of claws and crustacean features, along with a distinct absence of a proclivity for organized criminal behavior and activities disconcerting as well?
…meow?
snip-snap!
Lol, you might still be a mobster though. That has been neither confirmed or denied.
Whenever Lobster gives me a +1 I imagine De Niro in Analyze This.
“You… You’re good you! You got a fucking gift.”
Great article
Oh I remembered what I forgot to say!
I too would have asked for a PS3 cover so screw those guys!