Best: The Gimps Working Miz’s Awesome Balloons
Maybe you all figured this out two WrestlesMania ago, but it was a total ‘Secrets Of Magic Revealed’ moment for me. I assumed WWE used TECHNOLOGY~ to make Miz’s AWESOME balloon word split in half and come back together during his entrance, but nope, they used the Greendale Human Being: a team of guys in white morphsuits and headsets sneak out when you aren’t looking, blow up the balloons, hide behind them and manipulate them as necessary. When Miz is in the ring drawing your attention, the lights dim and they deflate and bail.
How great is that? I felt like I was discovering the secret of the Grail. Like maybe all this time Alex Riley has been an elaborate balloon moved around by guys in Team Rocket Invisible Suits. I’ve still got the suit from my Human Being Halloween costume last October, maybe I’ll break it out again this year and be a Miz Balloon Guy.
Best: Knowing When To Time Your Bathroom Breaks
Here’s a handy guide about when you should and shouldn’t go to the bathroom (or merch stand, or concession stand) during a WWE live show:
If You Are Brandon Stroud: Go during the Triple H match. Nobody’s out there.
If You Are Anybody Else: Most people go to the bathroom when WWE tells them they should — when a Divas match, low-level tag match or unannounced thing featuring a guy we barely see happens. During most pay-per-views, the Divas match is it. This is horrible, and women should be respected/allowed to perform on a level playing field, but it’s true. That wasn’t on the card last night, so like 95% of people who had to piss did so during the Prime Time Players tag match. That was the go-to.
You don’t want to do any of that. That’s when EVERYONE goes, so you’re left standing in line forever, and by the time you get your hot dog or take your shit or buy your Santino Marella Ass Cobra, the thing you didn’t care about is over and you’re missing something cool. The trick is to go during a time when most people are in their seats to see something cool, but with a big lull in the middle. At WrestleMania I took my break after the intros for Hell In A Cell and got back in time to see the last 7 or 8 minutes of the match, which were the only important parts. At Summerslam I chose the Miz/Mysterio match, because Miz just won the belt, just filmed a WWE Films movie and Rey Mysterio is dressed as Batman and wearing a shirt.
I walked down the steps in time to see the finish, and didn’t miss anything I couldn’t live without missing.
Worst: The Prime Time Players Without A.W.
These poor guys. On our way to lunch one day we walked past the Prime Time Players, and being a horrid mark I did the hand gesture and went ARRA ARRA ARRA. Titus kinda looked at me and nodded just a little, which was code for “that’s cool that you like me and know my thing but I’m at work and I’m supposed to hate you”.
The highlight of the tag team match was either the big KOBE BRYANT chant started in reference to the gone and disappointingly-forgotten A.W. or R-Truth on the apron beckoning us to chant KO-FI, KO-FI, KO-FI and having it turn into KO-BE, KO-BE, KO-BE. The worst part of the match was Kofi Kingston, who doesn’t know how to do wrestling moves or bump and threw a top rope clothesline so bad Kane probably punched him in the dick backstage.
Without A.W., here’s to hoping this is the swan song for the Players and we can put them in a crate and ship them back to NXT so Derrick Bateman and Camacho can have their shot at Raw glory. If they do, I’ve already christened them Macho Camacho.
Best: I Am One Section Over From The Wacky Celebrity Section
I totally was. Here’s a quick review of the celebrities at SummerSlam:
David Arquette - I tried pretty hard to get a mark photo with Arquette, if only to say I did and to tell him Eight Legged Freaks is one of my favorite movies ever. I wasn’t going to tell him I like it because of busty 18-year old Scarlett Johansson. I have long since moved past my David Arquette blood lust and appreciate him as the luckiest wrestling celebrity ever … a guy who made a terrible movie and got a f**king world title run out of it. Not just a fluke, a RUN. He’s had a better wrestling career than Roderick Strong.
Rick Rubin - “Whoa, that’s Rick Rubin.” That was almost my entire review for him. I wanted him to hop the rails and produce a Brock Lesnar victory over Triple H at one point. He was at the show with a beautiful young brown woman dressed like Esméralda from The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and I don’t know if she’s his girlfriend or daughter or what, but that is EXACTLY the person who should be going to a wrestling show with Rick Rubin.
Fred Durst - F**k Fred Durst.
Best: Maria Menounos’s Bob Backlund Shirt
Celebrity of the night goes to Maria Menounos, who you may remember as the lady who did a stink face in white pants at WrestleMania and got Eve Torres’ tanner on her ass. She was really nice to everyone and took pictures with a bunch of random mouthbreathers when she absolutely didn’t have to, plus she was rocking the only shit in the building better than my Team Johnny number — a Bob Backlund shirt with a Presedential headshot on the front and a black and white still on the back. That is money wrestling fanboy attire. My only disappointment is that Mario Lopez was nowhere to be found.
Also, this happened: