Best: The AT&T Center, Or “WrestleMania Palm Tree Make-Up Tickets Are Awesome”
If you read my Best And Worst Of WrestleMania XXVIII report, you may remember how I paid almost 200 dollars to stare at a skyscraper-sized palm tree and crank my neck around to watch a video screen just to see Rock get bearhugged on the ground for 30 minutes. It was an awful experience (aside from being at a WrestleMania, which is inherently fun) and the cool cats at WWE Fan Services offered me two free tickets to the next two events in my area as a make-good. Raw in San Antonio was my first makeup event, and I’m gonna cash in the second Money In The Bank style later this year and try to get front row seats at TNA “IMPACT” WRESTLING AND DIRECT AUTO INSURANCE PRESENT TURNING POINT.
These live reports are a little different. If you’re okay with reading “lol look at this kid sitting in front of me, he loves people based on whether or not they get stuffed animals version of themselves made” instead of “that thing Jerry Lawler said about how [nationality] is [horrible stereotype] [follow-up about him being into 13-year olds]“, you should be fine.
If you ever find yourself in San Antonio, drive an hour north and hang out in Austin. If you find yourself in San Antonio without an hour’s worth of gas, here is a complete list of fun things to do: walk along a river and visit its 200 variations on Applebee’s, visit an old building and remember whether or not you’ve seen Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, patronize a Minor League Baseball team with a dancing jalapeno mascot, go to the worst Six Flags ever and eat at my favorite restaurant in the world (Green Vegetarian Cuisine). That is all. Oh, you can also get run over by a car or have your bike stolen.
Best: The Lady Next To Me Who Asked About/Flinched At Everything
One of the reasons I like going to wrestling shows put on by local promotions is because I fit more naturally into their vibe. I’ve never been the guy who tries to constantly heckle wrestlers and get himself over (you won’t see me doing that F**K YOU F**K YOU F**K YOU middle-fingers-to-the-face thing to wrestlers ever) (well, almost ever), but I occasionally like to get into it and yell out asinine shit like a normal wrestling fan.
WWE shows are bad for this for a few reasons, the big ones being:
1. The wrestlers can’t hear you, so there’s no point unless you’re sending in a live report to 411 and want people to think you were the coolest, smartest and most popular person in your section.
2. There are a lot of kids around you, and while you can keep your Shouted Things PG and under, the good stuff without curse words requires too much capacity for abstract thought for them. Like, I can’t yell YOU’RE BEING RACIST at Sheamus for throwing a burrito into a river because the kid in the John Cena shirt’s gonna turn around and look at me weird.
3. That’s the other thing: people at WWE shows love to turn around and look at whoever just said anything. It’s probably why they’re at WWE shows, they love looking at people who talk. It’s never malicious, but if Brock Lesnar’s staring down Shawn Michaels and you, the average, reasonable man, decides to yell BREAK HIS ARM at the top of your lungs, 30 people are gonna turn around and look at you. Why? Because that’s not what you’re supposed to say here, and they don’t understand why you’re saying things.
Long story short, Damien Sandow should walk out with a stack of books and just f**king throw them at people as hard as he can.
Anyway, the point I’m getting at is that people in bigger wrestling fan sections form these weird social contracts, and you end up sorta briefly chatting with someone and they turn into YER BUDDY for the rest of the night. Mine was a lady in my row who was there with a small child, but who chose to spend the night asking me who everyone was, why anybody was booing anybody and whether or not I remembered the Von Erichs. She FLIPPED THE HELL OUT WITH FEAR when the Raw pyro started, so my job for the rest of the night was to warn her whenever somebody with pyro was about to show up. It was stressful. I was being forced to speak a lot, and deal with everyone looking at me when I did. I’M SORRY I KNOW KANE’S COMING OUT NEXT OKAY, THEY PUT HIS SHIT ON THE RING POSTS.
Worst: These Opening Dialogue Segments Would Be Better If Anybody Speaking Watched Or Paid Attention To Wrestling
It was pretty difficult to explain to my Section Buddy why everyone was wearing CM Punk shirts and going crazy for him when he walked out, and again why everyone decided to boo the same guy they were just cheering. The best thing I could come up with was, “they like him, but they’re supposed to be booing him, so they just do both”.
Business Suit AJ continues to depress me (her affected “cute” mannerisms have gone from endearing to forced at record speed) and while I didn’t mind Punk’s involvement here, I didn’t enjoy that easy-to-handle and totally-expected “I have a problem with the GM, so I’m going to talk to the GM about my problems in front of everyone as condescendingly as possible” thing. That’s not a big deal, that’s just wrestling writing. I thought the “a general manager should be treated with respect” thing was loveably douchy, because I remember him treating John Laurinaitis like dogshit for like a year for no reason.
What bothered me most is John Cena’s continued insistence that CM Punk has CHANGED~, and is no longer the SUPER RESPECTFUL FRIEND OF JOHN CENA WHO’D NEVER TURN HIS BACK ON THE WWE UNIVERSE he knew and loved. Cena makes no goddamn sense when he goes off about this, because in like five years Punk’s only come close to that in the last seven months. The guy organized a cult of worshippers and threatened Rey Mysterio’s children, but that’s not even the worst of it… Cena doesn’t seem to remember that the entire Punk/Cena beef that led to the Summer Of Punk started when Punk commandeered the Nexus. You know, the gaggle of helpless goons who got Cena fired (“fired”) the previous Autumn. After this, Cena should get into a feud with Daniel Bryan and be all, “you’ve changed, the Daniel Bryan I know would never yell YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME and kick me in the head”.
Best: LOL Big Show
My favorite moment of the opening segment was Big Show appearing, causing AJ to go NO WAIT HOLD ON HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE and move things forward without letting Show get into the ring or say anything. That’s how almost every Big Show segment should go. Like, he walks out for a match and Vince just starts screaming NO STOP IT DAMMIT GO TO COMMERCIAL, and when we come back Alex Riley’s wrestling Curt Hawkins or whatever and Big Show’s covered in a tarp.
Worst: My Votes Don’t Count
Nobody listens to me.
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“People who physically abuse the person they’re supposed to love, male or female, are scumbags who deserve zero sympathy.”
I hate to be that guy, but what about Stone Cold?
It’s a valid question, but what happened with Austin and Debra (reportedly) and what’s supposedly happening here with Rosa and Jackson Andrews is way, way different.
I believe if I remember the legend. Stone Cold did hit Debra. I’m also 92% sure he wasn’t the first and Rosa Mendez juice head fiance won’t be the last. But I’m 100% sure no one is going to F’up Kharma.
Then don’t be that guy? Not hard.
Cena is Gill from Street Fighter 3. You have to beat him before he gets his super off.
Make him waste it on “5 Moves of Doom” first.
“prestigious wrestling blogger Thomas Holzerman”
I’m prestigious now? I demand “Oh You Fancy, Huh” upon my arrival at the picnic!
I just want to say, besides the usual “you’re awesome and this is awesome” comment, that B&W of Impact equals a giant YES YES YES from this faithful reader. I used to be on the B&W of Smackdown train, but really, how much different is that show from Raw these days?
I am one million percent behind an Impact B&W as well. You do a lot for us already, and it’s much appreciated, but DO MORE NOW. Please.
smackdown is where awesome gimmicks like YES and Sandow are grown, but I dunno
Yeah, I want a B&W of Impact. I’ve been told it’s good and I want to watch it; having B&W columns would give me the motivation to actually watch it.
Oh, no. Impact is so terribad that even a Best & Worst column from Brandon could not make me want to watch.
I think I’ve got the Wade Barrett promo package figured – next week, Daniel Bryan’s going to beat the crap out of himself in AJ’s office, and then it’ll turn out that he and Wade Barrett HAVE BEEN THE SAME PERSON ALL ALONG!
What a twist!
he may already be my Hunico
Hehe. Camacho Stroud.
I was Sin Cara in this analogy, thank you very much.
But I counted zero botches in this whole column.
And a distinct lack of column moodlighting.
…mood-lighting?
…moods lighting?
Well, maybe one minor botch: the ‘worst’ for the entire opening segment, rather than just Cena’s involvement.
lol…Camacho Stroud…
Zero botches? You missed the “payed”, right?
I read that line and immediately thought “LOL Camacho” heh.
This was excellent, Uproxx should pay you to go to every live RAW.
The thing that bothered me the most about Alex Riley going over Ziggler wasn’t that Ziggler lost. It’s just that if you’re going to have an undercard guy get an upset win on Raw, let it be someone that isn’t Alex Riley for the love of fuck. Could of been Tyson Kidd, should of been Tyson Kidd. I mean it could have been Justin Gabriel’s dickhead haircut for all I care, just not Alex “I am the least exciting person ever” Riley.
(Making the top ten comments makes me happy. Making the top ten comments for Jerry Lawler pedophile jokes makes me really, really happy).
SAY IT TO MY FAAAAAACE!
I think the point was that Ziggler lost to somebody who’s really low on the card and haven’t won in ages… Riley was the perfect pick.
SAY IT TO HIS FAAAAAAACE
1, B, III. Well done.
One of my favorite gags. Well played.
I’m still wondering if there’s a *reason* why Punk chose to rant on headset rather than on mic. It’s not like WWE mics are hard to understand on TV.
…This thought just occurred to me: were all the mics in the back for people who were about to be involved in the HBK appreciation? That’s the only reason I could think of.
Re: John Laurinaitis showing up, when we went to Raw on July 9th (aka the Worst Raw Ever), John Cena did his I’M GONNA WIN THAT BRIEFCASE TO KEEP BIG SHOW FROM REIGN OF TERROR RAPING PILLAGING etc. then the show recapped the marriage proposals and Cena stood in the ring watching for the ENTIRE thing, then half the commercial break before John Laurinaitis ran in and hit him with a chair, setting up the non-televised main event, Show/Laurinaitis vs. Cena. But because of wild fires they ended up filming Smackdown immediately after Raw ended, so that match never happened and Laurinaitis showing up out of the crowd with a folding chair became this weird distant fever-dream memory, which is VASTLY superior to watching Show/Laurinaitis vs. Cena.
Also the main thing Jerry Lawler said that made us all want to kill him was this impatient insistence every time Michael Cole RIGHTLY said that Sheamus had stolen Del Rio’s car, an outright felony, was “*sigh* Cole, Sheamus is BORROWING the car, I keep telling you that, he’s just taking it out for a joyride.”
WWE Face or Heel is defined exclusively by Does Jerry Lawler Excuse Your Felonies.
That’s exactly right. Lawler is the Voice of WWE (not in the way Cole means) saying “This is what we want you to think, kids.”
I went into BEEF MO every time he said that. It was awful.
Nice try Austin, but I think my Brandon Stroud sign is still the best.
[cdn.wl.uproxx.com]
I wonder if I’m insecure about meaningless things
but did your sign have glitter on it!? Don’t think so, I win! LOL
[cdn.wl.uproxx.com]
I don’t see any glitter on there, but well played regardless sir.
Mine may or may not have had any, couldn’t you tell from seeing it ON TV!
Big Show should always be covered with a tarp.
So it’s okay to steal a dudes car or kick your unsuspecting opponent in the back of the head, but do not ever mention someone’s children?
Giggling about wrestling while I’m supposed to be working is in my Fave Five…
I’m a sad sad man.
Also, I live in LA and love high fives!
Why are ‘Sheamus ha ha potato funny accent ha ha peat bogs’ jokes funny? We criticise Lawler for being insensitive about Mexican wrestlers or when Jinder Mahal is in a turban. Shouldn’t we at least try to be above this? If nothing else, it’s pretty lazy.
Because I didn’t make them, I give the comments nods to the ones that get a bunch of +1s from you guys.
Secretly, we’re not that much different than the stereotypical wrestling fans. We’re all probably young enough that Hispanics are the cultural group that get all the hate. We like to consider ourselves above stupid racism like that. So we fall back to the good ‘ol Irish bashing our grandparents enjoyed.
On a serious note, though, is Sheamus’ accent real, or is he Razor Ramon-ing it up? Every time I hear him talk, it just sounds *too* over the top to be real.
Clarification: we’re young enough that we grew up in a world where Hispanics are the minority that are most vilified.
at least most of us aren’t being RACIST, just culturally insensitive when we make Sheamus/Irish jokes.
Your Irish jokes hurt more than I can possibly express with my potato breath.
As for Sheamus’ accent: I’ve heard him speak on Conan…that accent is his actual speaking accent.
Also I don’t feel bad making fun of Irish people because I am so incredibly pale and freckled and foreheaded and sad
I mostly just make fun of the Irish because we’re easy. (/drinks whiskey, blacks out off of toilet)
Instead of basing gimmicks and jokes around guys from other countries, why doesn’t WWE do more with “guy from different part of the US”.
Maybe Ryder is supposed to be “Long Island Guy”, but what about “nagging Californian” or “Jerry Lundegard-ish Minnesotan” or “Austin Vegan Who Loves Obscure Things From Japan That I Don’t Know About And Gets To Go To Cool Indy Shows Cause He Lives In Austin And I’m In Minneapolis”
Hey now, the things I like aren’t obscure, they’re easy to find if you give a shit about that kind of wrestling. Besides, being from a different country doesn’t make it obscure.
Your section on wrestling fans turning and looking at you say anything reminded me of a tale. I was at Bragging Rights in Pittsburgh at Mellon Arena (or the Igloo, if you want to be a dick about it). I went with two friends; one a casual fan that just likes cheering for Chris Jericho do anything and another that’s trying to become a pro-wrestler and does all the local indie feds. The three of us were in a large section of kids in Rey Mysterio mask/John Cena merch and their dads who all thought Orton was “a gay”, because bigots are everywhere. During the main-event Iron Man Match when Orton was going to murder Cena with pyrotechnics, my wrestling-friend-in-training screamed “YEAH, KILL HIM.”
The entire section turned around, and I shit you not, stared for a solid ten seconds. Then they booed us. Then the dads said they were going to kick our asses because they were both drunk, and assumed we too were “a gay”.
Long story short, live events are the worst. Especially Bragging Rights.
wait, wait, wait. randy orton gay, not john cena gay? my world is shattered!
Are you that surprised it was Orton?… The guy is well manicured, greased up and never wears pants, that is the picture definition of “a gay” in rural america
I always thought the term was Shawn Michaels gay. I guess it’s been transposed unto the next crop.
1. “If you ever find yourself in San Antonio, drive an hour north and hang out in Austin.” Yes. Although you could also hang out in many small towns that are also more interesting than San Antonio.
2. “If you find yourself in San Antonio without an hour’s worth of gas, here is a complete list of fun things to do: walk along a river and visit its 200 variations on Applebee’s”. Correct. Also the river is fake.
3. “visit an old building and remember whether or not you’ve seen Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” You can also note how the building is dwarfed by the mall and hotels that surround it, and recall that Ozzy once peed on it.
4. “patronize a Minor League Baseball team with a dancing jalapeno mascot” The team and its stadium are both terrible, and are a AA affiliate of the San Diego Padres, which is ironic, because the Padres are themselves a AA team.
5. “go to the worst Six Flags ever” We also have the worst Sea World ever.
6. “eat at my favorite restaurant in the world (Green Vegetarian Cuisine).” Green is pretty good, but note that it is the only vegetarian restaurant in the city, which has one and one half million people in it. There are much better restaurants here if you are not a pussy vegetarian.
7. “That is all. Oh, you can also get run over by a car or have your bike stolen.” You can also…no wait, he’s right, that’s all. Except you can also die from it being a million degrees outside.
I knew there was a reason I live in New Braunfels and still dont make the 20 minute drive.
Pussy vegetarians aside, Green is the best place to eat in town if you’re an awesome vegan.
Most San Antonio restaurants have vegan options, such as salsa and napkins.
I remember being on “base liberty” in San Antonio after graduating AF basic training. A lot of trainees went to Sea World, but you had to be in your service uniform to go off base, so I said fuck that. I went to see Superman Returns and X-Men 3. Not sure if I would have been more disappointed going to San Antonio’s Sea World…
I also noticed that guy in the ACW shirt behind the ref group.
I love your “live experience” write ups, B-Stro. You capture the true nature of the beast that is a wrestling audience (esp in Texas).
I like to think it is “Let Go Cena” because if anyone needs to just let go of the anger he has bottled up it is Cena. The man is so detached from the world right now he is operating on auto drive. Just attacking Big Show whenever he sees him and reiterating the same thing over and over and over… He frankly needs “Serious Bearded” Robin Williams to hug him and tell him “it’s not your fault”
So is Let Go Cena similar to Embrace the Hate Cena?
Yes and no, Kane sadly only knows the world through hate and pain so he was trying to reach out to Cena through the words and actions he knows best… ultimately he was just trying to get Cena to “Let Go”
Eh, I’ve encountered plenty of scumbags who are quicker to blame victims than perpetrators in domestic abuse situations. “Like gosh, you guys, if Rosa has been STAYING with this guy who abuses her, then SHE’S the dumb one!!1!” Ugh. I hope the WWE backs up Rosa and she has herself surrounded with good people and plenty of resources. And I hope victim blamers are forced to watch the HHH/Steiner RR match when they land in hell.
They will get belly to belly suplexed into hell.
My only memory of that match is a friend of mine who said “I think Steiner will be wrestling on Sunday Night Heat for a while.”
I cannot wait to see the Big Show’s tarp, complete with “WMD” and Angry Bear Logos.
Also, you nerds should come to the Trios Picnic and meet me and my beard! Um, the facial hair kind, not the Katie Holmes kind.
are you a baby? a bearded baby?
or breaded baby…don’t forget breaded baby.
If you start covering Impact, I’ll definitely start watching TNA for the first time in forever.
Yes, same here. I think I’ve only seen maybe a dozen episodes in the years since my disastrous stint recapping way back when it first went to two hours. Bad times, man, bad times…
What? I get left out of the Hall of Fame Chikara King of Trios Picnic and Social Media Event mention? Man, that hurts. Like, deep in my soul hurts.
I can’t comment much on the show, Angie and i both fell asleep during the Lesnar / Record Execs from Airheads segment, and i tuned in almost an hour late. What was the outcome of that segment? Besides “useless talking and HHH making angry faces”?
I hate AJ now, you guys. She’s just the worst. Generic Authority Figure #478.
I got really angry at how Kane, the monster that was BORN OUT OF FIRE had a twitter account that they advertised, but it turns out they promoted a fake and that is hilarious to me.
Beyond that, Brandon is right. Sheamus is getting cheered for doing bad guy things, and anyone who beats their significant other is useless and deserves to watch everything they love get raped by gila monsters.
You’re not alone, I hate AJ too. If anyone with a ranking higher than RAW GM had been paying attention last night they would have fired her after she made an impromptu match with Kane and The Miz just because she had already said their names that evening.
I’ve never enjoyed AJ or the weird IWC love that was out there for her. Shrill voice, body of a 10 yr old boy/12 yr old girl. and the character had nowhere to go after the first 2 weeks. I’m not on the Kelly Kelly side either. She can eat a sandwich and then a bullet.
@Nemesisto – AJ doesn’t have the body of a “10 year old boy” or “12 year old girl”. Beautiful women come in all different shapes and sizes and that “REAL women have curves” thing is just as harmful to women as only liking skinny ones. I guess I shouldn’t be sharing this info with someone who’s broader point is “eat a sandwich and kill yourself” but whatever.
Well said, Brandon. Comparing adult women to children because of their body type has always weirded me out.
And even though no one cares, or should care, AJ is still my fave. Her GM role isn’t as fun as her unpredictable Best In the World/actual best in the world foil role was, but it’s a lot better than alternating Beth/Nattie victim and romantic interest of Hornswoggle. Plus she’s still interacting with D-Bry every week, so I still have hope they’re in secret cahoots. Also, it isn’t outside the realm of possibility that she might recruit Kaitlyn as her official assistant or whatever and do handshake explosions every week!
It’s not even that it’s less fun….it’s really that they’ve managed to strip every ounce of character away from her. When she was in the DBry/Punk/Kane thing, she was solid gold. To me, possibly the best use of a “Diva” since back before Edge’s Live Sex Extravaganza or whatever. And all of that vanished the instant they put her in a pants suit. And that is a real shame.
She had a ton of potential, just this wildcard insane girl running around causing havoc, but all of that is a wash now. To be fair, it’s better than Competed in the Royal Rumble and Didn’t Do Poorly Beth Phoenix pleading “B-But we could get r-r-r-raped!”, or any of the other insanely degrading things they do to women, but fucksake can’t we just have something good?
At the risk of being the Wait and See How it Plays Out ™ guy, I think you have to give AJ a little time. This is a massively new direction for the character, but she seems to be gradually finding the right tone.
The “respect my authoritah” parts of it aren’t working so well, and I wish to god they’d stop with the Twitter matches, but I lovedlovedLOVED the interactions with Bryan this week. The running “yes/no” battle warmed the cockles of my Looney Tunes-addicted childhood’s heart.
I think I speak for most of us when I say we love AJ but dislike what they’re doing with her. All her charisma and love for wrestling won’t save a fundamentally flawed role.
AJ’s character suffers from the near-supreme power she has as a GM. During the time between Over the Limit and Money in the Bank, every bit of power or manipulation she had was calculated and earned, all the while designed to look like the actions of a crazy person. She was like a supervillain in the body of Squirrel Girl.
Now, in power, she has no reason to try and no one to challenge her. All Daniel and Punk (and Eve and Vickie if they get back to that) can do is take what she throws at them, which, due to WWE’s current limitations, isn’t much.
last night looked like a fun show to be at. crowd was hot all night
im going next week in dallas, if i write up a brief synopsis about my live experience. will you post it?
That picture of Destiny watching Kane’s entrance made my heart grow three sizes this day.
If Destiny’s fondness for The Big Red Machine doesn’t turn you into a Kane fan, nothing will!
Also, Kane no longer hangs out at the concession stands amongst the pretzels & crackers jack, because KANE KNOWS! that if he let’s his guard down…Jeff will start Kane’s entrance w/o him.
:)
I hate Destiny too.
C’mon Beej.
Dang, I’m going to San Antonio near the end of the year. Your description saddens me greatly. There won’t even be minor league baseball and jalapeno mascots to take in then. Hope I can figure out a way to get to Austin a time or two.
i remember those guys in the refs shirts last time they had raw in san antonio, idk why it was so entertaining to me but i still like it
Man, by being there live, you probably missed about 40 Jerry Lawler Worsts. Maybe it’s just me but he was unusually fucking awful last night.
In regards to the merch table section, I though I might add a little inside insight.
I work on the side at an arena that hosts Raw/Smackdown around twice or so a year, and as such have been on the other end of the wrestling merchandise hungry crowd. We long ago abandoned the idea of putting labels on the shirts because, as mentioned in article III), the people coming up to the stand are usually either a) amazingly stupid or b) amazingly drunk. The number was often mistaken as the price, because in their mind three dollars for a Rock shirt makes sense. Also, as someone who actually knows things about wrestling, my bosses send me around to each stand to tell all the other people who each shirt is for. That way, when the “I WON’T THE PUNK SHIRT” scenario plays out, the people have some idea of what they are talking about.
Also, in a completely unexpected note, the WWE gives us, at the very least, twice as much Cena stuff as any other wrestler. Having to count hundreds of Cena shirts has made me dislike him even more.
I loved this. :-D I love going to live shows and it sounded like you had a good time. The Jericho/Ziggler thing worked on TV so I hope you get to watch it. And YAY WADE BARRETT!!!! I am so happy he’s coming back because A) Bearded Wade broke my ladyparts and that’s going to be awesome and B) I have felt SO bad that he’s been gone because he got injured at the Raw *I* was at and have felt like it’s my fault because you shouldn’t bring your unborn baby to a wrestling show and this is what you get. (Yes, I’m weird…)
Oh good you’re alive, Steph! I figured the combined efforts of, Bearded Wade/Del Rio stripping off his dress clothes/Dolph’s Ziggle Wiggle had killed you.
You just had a real live baby and it was Wade Barrett that broke your ladyparts. Man’s Man, he is.
I second the “YAY WADE BARRETT!!!!” and the broken lady parts… I needed ice water after that video :-)
+1,000,000,000
So when are they bringing in Dean Ambrose to be Danielson’s therapist?
Stevie Richards is still waiting by the phone, waiting by the phone….
Damien Sandow is the best of The Genius and “The Model” Rick Martel combined. And those referee guys were assholes on TV too.
@MrBrandonStroud Needs to be inducted into the WWE hall of fame!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sure I heard you yell “BREAK HIS ARM” on the broadcast
Seconded.
Damn forgot where I was for a second. Clearly I meant +Arm Breakered.
Why does the merch stand smell?
I’d say it’s mostly because of the people gathered around it, and the fact that there is never fewer than 100 people around it.
wrestling fans
customers with poor hygiene
damn
It’s funny that if you’ve ever actually been to the merch stand or walked through a crowded concourse at a Raw, you know that “wrestling fans” is all the answer this question requires.
The more extensive version of the answer begins with “See all those grown men with full-size replica championship belts?”
The WWE gets how to have faces and heels act, they just have the faces act like the heels and the heels act like faces.
Brandon: I think you really would have enjoyed Jericho running down Ziggler after his loss, if only for his “And he just lost to Alex Riley, who hasn’t won a match since the age of Methusaleh.” Semi-nerdy bible references!
a Methusaleh rookie card, nice!
Alex Riley was walkin’ to Jerusalem, marchin’ with Methuselah, readin’ signs in Arabic, ravin’ like a lunatic.
just gonna continually troll brandon with golden-age country music jokes
No bullshit.
The free tickets I missed out on were right next to those guys in the ref shirts.
That section would have gone asshole supernova had I been there! LOL!
“One day you can find me talking shit to wrestler-ers/In an Asshole Supernova on the front-row”
Again, another golden recap, Brandon.
Thanks for taking the time to do it for all of your followers.
When the Kelly-Kelly music started up, I hoped beyond hope that Sara Del Rey was coming out next for some reason.
yes best and worst of impact plzzzzzz!
Hating on the guys in the ref shirts is pretty weak. You like to yell for Brock and Johnny Ace, they simply have an unhealthy obsession with the number 2. Anything that gets fans excited and making noise is good imo.
Agreed. I’ve seen these #RefBros on TV before during a Raw (that I’m now assuming was also in San Antonio) and I definitely dug their act. Cheering for everything the referee does is kind of creative and awesome.
I cheer for those guys because I like them, the ref guys are doing that to bring attention to themselves. Wrestling fans have been nurtured to believe they’re part of the show, and while fans can obviously believe or do whatever they want, it’s not my bag. This column is my opinion on stuff, not my objective read.
^ THIS is the 100% truth. Wrestling fans should always cheer for who they like, regardless of the good guy / bad guy dynamic. But when you cross the line into trying to make yourself part of the the show, you’re fucking it up. See also: ROH fans chanting “awk-ward si-lence clap clap clapclapclap”. That is the absolute worst thing in wrestling, now and forever.
Chris, you just gave me flashbacks to every ROH PPV at the Hammerstein Ballroom. It’s the worst.
Thanks for the B/W posts….only reason I actively started watching wrestling again
My Cena = Sebastian Shaw theory is now lost to time.
Lost to time.
Loved Randy Orton going ballistic after Big Show’s shush taunt because “Shhhhhhh!” is the absolute worst insult in Parseltongue.
And, we’re done.
+1
I liked Destiny’s tweets. They made me forgive her for being named Destiny.
Aw, man. I like my name!
Yesterday is when it finally occurred to me why we have so much inappropriate ponytail theater and why it’s so illogical when it’s happening: they are throwing everything at the wall so they can take what they want with them and ignore what’s left behind. It doesn’t matter if Triple H is a bully or that Brock Lesnar quit and should be able to leave or that Brock never once mentioned H’s family, because next week the promo guys will take whatever parts are available (and everything is done so it’s all available) and will cobble them together to make it look like how WWE wants it to look like. You can replay the whole H/Lesnar feud in your head and see the promo/story they want to exist edited from the actual story that took place.
Once I was aware of this, I became further aware that the whole way WWE presents their stories is based on dumping all possible ingredients in and pulling what they want, claiming they wanted that whole thing all along. Sheamus will trash ADR’s car, hurt Ricardo, and sneak attack ADR three times, but by the PPV the only thing the promo will show is ADR saying mean things and smashing Sheamus under his hood.
Another great read, that is all.
Thanks for another top ten! Made me smile like an asshole all afternoon.
Additionally, I was pleased enough that they had a diva’s match that I was kind of okay with it just being another pointless Eve and Kelly Kelly cheesecake match. I’d heard rumors that Kelly Kelly left but, much like the Bella Twins, I don’t know if Kelly Kelly does anything besides kind of wrestle and also kind of model, to activities that together make something of a career but once halved is just a part-time gig.
Why is the raw open discussion thread no longer open for discussion?
Damien Sandow leaves Brodus Clay in a drooping pants mess like Arnold did to that guy who just wanted to know where’s the bus stop.
Brandon, I’ll drop you a tweet (from @ wrestlingisreal) once I can confirm I have the day off for the SlamFest. I hope you’ll let me buy you something soy-based at Staples (Center).
Still wondering why certain comments are getting deleted, and why I’m apparently not respected enough for a simple one- or two-line explanation.
If we have “please don’t post ____” rules, for certain seemingly legit, wrestling-related things, fine. But fucking tell me what they are.
I don’t know why you can’t get a fucking clue and figure out that if your posts are being removed, there’s probably a reason why and you should just stop bitching about it.
This is not the comments section for Grantland or your Twitter account. Share that shit there, this is not the place to discuss what everyone else on the Internet is writing.
That’s all I was asking for. Thank you. I didn’t realize that this website was expected to exist in a bubble. I certanly understand not posting spoilers, but I thought the community here would find the… subject in question… interesting, which is why I wanted people to know about it. My mistake.
And for the record, I wouldn’t have kept bitching about it if I’d been given this explanation the first time.
oh snap
I’ll keep your bullshit sense of entitlement in mind the next time I try to moderate my website.
If you’re still wondering, I’m deleting your posts now because I’m not having this discussion with you.
The first thing I noticed about the Eve/Kelly pic is Eve’s bad rear naked choke technique. I’m pretty sure I’m gay.
She needs to spend more time with the Gracies, dang! Keep it real, eat acai, drink coconut water, dang!
↑THIS! I will have a talk with Eve to stop messing around and just snap chicks arms off & drink more Coconut Water Energies Drank, if it’s still around…
Gotta go straight to the source, my friend. Pure coconut water to keep it real on the highest level. Dang!
I am also skeptical about Eve’s Jujitsu Blue Belt.
Nah, Del Rio is the bad guy because he fucked up Sheamus’s arm on his car. Sheamus was just getting revenge for that episode of Smackdown a month ago.
The idea is that a bad guy does something reprehensible, so the good guy beats him in the wrestling match. Not that weird morality game WWE plays where if somebody does or says something kinda bad to you, anything goes.
Maybe Del Rio said something about Sheamus’ family off camera? I believe all bets are off or something when that happens…which I guess gives Sheamus the right to fill Del Rio’s car with taco farts.
Brandon’s spot-on with this. Faces used to get revenge by winning matches, now they get revenge by being equally reprehensible in ways that 12-year-olds find cool and funny. It’s the DEATH of the business (you know, other than short people winning championships). Thanks, Attitude Era!
PS – By WWE logic, I’m going to beat the living hell out of the next person who tells me how cute my kids are, all the while yelling, “YOU MENTIONED MY CHILDREN!! ALL BETS ARE OFF!!”
“If you live in California and don’t want to bash me in the head with a brick, be my pal.”
*Puts down brick, drives back to Las Vegas*…Wait! Will you at least SIGN my brick?
i like to call it “lost wages”
errrbody does :)
I work Monday nights now, so these reports are probably as much of Raw as I’m going to get.
That being said, I’ve probably watched the Wade Barrett video about 10 times now.
Ohhh man, you’ll be in San Fran? You better be booked for an episode of the Frotcast and support the Uproxx family, my dude.
Have we discussed the possibility that Sandow’s attack on Clay leaves open the possibility of Brodus “seeing the light” and returning as the philosophy-spouting destroyer of worlds once advertised?
HAVE WE?!?!
Wow. That’s a lot of “possibilities” in one sentence.
I live in Boston and had the same thing ruin my wrestlemania experience, besides the infamous :18. Damn palm trees. How did you contact WWE and explain to them that having trees block 1/4 of the audience wasn’t a good idea?
I have a question for the field (assuming I haven’t been excommunicated, and assuming anyone’s still here on a Wednesday afternoon):
Does anyone have experience with the Wrestlemania travel packages the WWE put together? I think they’re going on sale Monday morning, but I won’t be in front of a computer until Monday afternoon. Should I expect them to be sold out in a matter of hours?
…Yes, I did ask this in the open discussion Monday afternoon, but it got lost in the flood.
So David Otunga was given a thing to do, he was awesome at it…….and now he just disappears.
Why can’t Otunga, smarmy, selfish, worried about himself at all costs, lawyer, not be a continuing thing? He has a shtick that plays with literally anyone in the company.
Why are the people that are good at things not doing those things?
Otunga is of filming a movie with Halle Berry. WWE probably didn’t bother to make an on-screen excuse for his absence, since he logically would lay low with Laurinaitis fired and new GMs in charge…
Plus, he’s included in the new Raw opening video so they must be expecting him back at some point soon.
Great post as always.
I think I would have preferred Punk/Bateman too, although he is listed as a developmental wrestler on Wikipedia for some reason. Free Bateman!
Your girlfriend marking out for Kane may be the cutest thing on the interweb. Take that 1000 pictures of kittens.
Thanks! :)
Second time you’re in the Bay Area, and I miss it again.
I hate living in Tennessee so much.
Good stuff as always. I live in the Hollywood area but was too cheap to buy $85+ tickets on the back wall of Staples. If you go out for drinks in the area let us readers know.
Didn’t have time to drop in yesterday, but GREAT column as always, Brandon! I really enjoyed your take coming from being at the live event this time. It is cool to read about that perspective. Perhaps it could be a thing where anytime someone on here makes it to a live show, they can write a short report like Alex did (which was awesome!)
And Impact Best and Worsts would be awesome as well. I don’t watch it much at all as of now, but if you were writing about it, I would definitely pay attention.
I like how Brandon loves Ryback, hates that he’s compared to Goldberg, then compares his push to Goldberg’s because YES they are very much alike. Goldberg chants =fair even if we like Ryan Reeves
Brandon, if you’re ever in Toronto for a RAW show or a PPV, I would be honoured to buy a ticket specifically to attend the show in the seat next to you and buy all your snacks. Whatever they’re paying you for this column, it ain’t enough.
I would totally read a B&W of Impact
Great report…it’s true, the B/W of shows you attend live are more about the experience–every once in a while it’s important to check in on how the WWE UNIVERSE is doing, the autistic sleeping demons that undergird the creative direction of the show.
You have a vegan sherpa for when you come to the Lehigh Valley?
Some Smackdown thoughts:
AJ bringing the crazy back, in cahoots with Kane, doing that weird thing where she smiles and tilts her head all the way back at a certain angle all sexy like, continuing to interact with my boy D Bry: all awesome.
Kaitlyn as Booker T’s assistant? We called it! Wish she’d be AJ’s assistant though, cause of the fist bumps.
Sheamus facing repercussions for his GTA episode is an unexpected best. Having it turn out to be an ADR plot for a Nexus-style beatdown killed it a little though.
Wade Barrett return promo continues to amaze.
Antonio and Aksana are a pleasure to behold.