Best: CP Munk
This was my favorite sign of the night, because that kid has no idea that CP Munk is a real thing.
Worst: So Is Everyone Missing The Point That This Tag Match Is Happening Before The Contract Signing
Hastily-scheduled tag team main events featuring teams of wrestlers who don’t get along might as well be a weekly, announced feature, but at least the wrestlers looked like they were having fun, so I’ll give it a pass. The biggest problem here is that CM Punk, the guy who has spent the last month complaining about how he was overshadowed by John Cena, The Rock, Big Show and Brock Lesnar doesn’t seem to realize that his big one-on-one match against Big Show curtain-jerked the show or that his big tag team main event match was happening at the top of hour three because the last 50 minutes of the show were set aside for Inappropriate Ponytail Theater. Shouldn’t he … I don’t know, but SUPER, SUPER PISSED about this? Instead, he’s just making moveset wanking motions at John Cena.
Worst: These WWE In Austin Commercials
Speaking of Cena, my least favorite thing he’s ever done might be those form commercials for WWE In My Area, where he says HEY EVERYONE THIS IS JOHN CENA I’M COMIN’ TO YOUR TOWN TO TAKE ON THE BIG SHOW AND JOHN LAURINAITIS, YOU WANT SOME, COME GET SOME and he depressingly does the You Can’t See Me gesture as if that has anything to do with wanting some or coming to get some. I think they’ve played that commercial a dozen times, and every time it starts with the announcer going “Austin … Austin … Austin!” That doesn’t make me want to see John Cena, that makes me want to see Steve Austin.
This gets a secondary worst because I’m leaving on a plane tomorrow and will miss a Smackdown taping 12 minutes from my house. Sure, I’m going to SummerSlam, but my chances of seeing Heath Slater go down by like 85%.
Best: Cena-M Punk
Like I said, the wrestlers were having a lot of fun, and I would be a cold, cold hearted man if I didn’t mark out for CM Punk suddenly doing a bunch of jumping dog shoulderblocks to set up a fist drop because he is a Total Prick. I marked out equally for Cena stomping in and doing the worst jumping knee in the corner ever, and then slightly less when I realized he wasn’t going up to the top to hit a beautiful Macho Man elbow drop* and make Punk look like dogshit for having ever attempted it.
I don’t want to give it its own worse, but I’m started to get concerned about Daniel Bryan being the sorta-main event guy who gets into these matches just to take the pinfall. I can handle him losing to Cena last week in a one-on-one thing, but I really, really don’t enjoy him getting slotted into that weird character spot of “guy who puts up a good fight against Cena until Cena gets distracted by something else, realizes he’s distracted and instantly kills them so he can get back to whatever was bothering him”. That was R-Truth and The Miz last year. They went from main event guys to being beaten up by the Primetime Players and Everybody For 11 Months respectively.
*Yes, I know Cena’s entire top rope agility is “jump and SITTTT”, work with me here.
Best: Damein Sandow Isn’t Losing To Your Stupid Tropes, Fat Man
Remember when Dolph Ziggler wrestled Sheamus, and Sheamus immediately went for a Brogue Kick and all those horrible memories of the 18-second Daniel Bryan match flashed in your head and you pictured yourself falling off a skyscraper or driving headlong into traffic, but then Ziggler stopped, dropped and rolled and everything was okay? I had that happen to me again last night, when Damien Sandow’s match was interrupted by Brodus Clay hobbling out to do threatening dinosaur hands. They cut to a tight shot of Sandow yelling, which is usually code for “and now he gets rolled up and pinned, and he’s SO MAD because he was DISTRACTED and then a long shot of Brodus smiling”.
And then, IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
Sandow escaped the school-boy attempt, got up, hit Christian with his neckbreaker finish and won clean. ‘Hallelujah’ didn’t start up again, that was the sound of me singing at home. They even cut over to Brodus making sad faces because he was SO SURE this was gonna work, but it didn’t, because Damien Sandow is a better class of man and is not going to fall for your dumb WWE nonsense. I love it so much I can barely contain myself. This is how I felt: