Earlier this week, I scoured the Internet to put together my official 2012 Summer Olympics Team USA viewing gear so I could properly cheer on my nation’s best athletes from the comfort of my favorite bars. While I won’t yet reveal what I will be wearing almost every day for the next month – good hygiene be damned – I did think that it was important to help other people scrounge the webs for some last second items to help them also appreciate the best part of the Olympics – dressing like an asshole. This will especially be important for our bevy of Olympics live discussions.
Of course there’s no better place than my favorite time-wasting website, Etsy, to find such championship-caliber gear on short notice. Some people might argue eBay, and with overpriced, poorly produced crap, and lazy shipping policies, I’d agree that eBay is probably more indicative of America. But screw eBay, because Etsy rules. And to prove that point, I’ve dug up 10 awesome American clothing items that you can purchase to wear while the U.S. of A brings home every single medal* on Earth.
*Not counting the sports we suck at, like men’s soccer and probably ping pong.
For $53, you can purchase this pair of cut-off jean shorts that I believe recognizes the highest point in this country’s style - the acid-washed jeans era. So go ahead and celebrate that fact and your love of Team USA with these shorts. They say that these are intended for a female, but I believe that is a misprint. Also, if $53 is too rich for your blood, I also recommend this cheaper alternative.
This is actually similar to the t-shirt that I purchased, but mine may or may not have sleeves, and they may or may not be replaced by shiny streamers. Regardless, what better way to remind the fans of other countries that they owe us everything than with this $19.99 t-shirt?
The current USA men’s basketball team is certainly chocked full of NBA superstars, but it is a far cry from the powerhouse that was the 1992 Dream Team. People have tried to debate that, but they’re wrong. So wrong. Remind them and this year’s stars by wearing this vintage $78 Chris Mullin jersey. If anything, it should inspire Kevin Love to be better than Christian Laettner.
I have to tell you, this item may not exist in a few minutes, because I am very keen on this $36 Team USA Olympic fanny pack. I can just picture my USA sunglasses, coozie, and Winston Selects fitting snuggly in it right now. Yessir, act fast.
This $14.99 women’s John Lennon peace sign tank top supports the true American ideology of world peace, but it also points to her boobies, which is equally important.
Whether you love America, ride a crotch rocket, or impersonate Vanilla Ice at bar mitzvahs, this $145 American flag leather jacket is just plain amazing. You might think it’s too expensive and even impractical in the summer heat, but look at it. Find me anything more awesome on this Earth.
At $150, this vintage WWII Navy uniform is a bit pricey, but since when does supporting your country’s athletes warrant frugality? Splurge, I say, on this excellent uniform and even after the Olympics you can hang out in emergency rooms trying to score with nurses.
If you’re like me, you view the summer as a chance to shed the shirt and show off the sculpted upper body that only a two-year membership to Curves can provide. What better way to say, “I love America, but f*ck sleeves” than this $38 sequined vest? And don’t worry, there is more than one.
Consider yourself among the fancier Olympics fans? Then show your top shelf pride with this 1% swag, because people don’t have to know that you only paid $22 for this handmade top hat. Just think how good you’ll look telling homeless people to f*ck off.
Everyone should buy this. It could possibly save the economy.