Worst: WWF’s Brief Infatuation With Pretending A Guy Is A Race He Isn’t

My opinion on Razor Ramon is not the greatest. It’s hard to have constructive opinions about these guys now because so many of them are important to the childhoods of wrestling fans today, sorta like how you could say “Great Muta mailed it in more often than not” and I’d scream I’LL KILL YOU and leap across the table and try to choke you to death.

But yeah, Scott Hall doing Al Pacino doing Scarface is not great. It might not be so bad if we hadn’t had Yokozuna on the same show, but WWF’s mid-90s thing of handing out racial identities like they were trunks colors is the worst. Hall eventually made the character self-aware enough that when he showed up in WCW going HEY YO we were in on the joke, but man, watching him dress like an 80-year old retired Floridian woman and say “mang” to a crowd of white children is depressing. I BEAD UP JOO BRUDDER, MANG. You were the Diamond Studd like two years ago, asshole, your tanner is the safest blackface ever.

Best: A Random Best For Anything Owen Hart Related, Ever

Owen only shows up for a second or two on this Raw, being beaten up backstage by Razor Ramon to help build Razor’s feud with Bret Hart. Because I write about Owen Hart even less than I write about Battle Bowl, I will give “Owen Hart getting kicked in the ribs while wearing his High Energy-esque Zubaz jumpsuit” a Best.

Everything Owen Hart ever did was a Best. Even the “leg out of your leg” thing. Everything.

Best: The Sherri Martel Version Of ‘Sexy Boy’

Zero Hour Shawn Michaels shows up on the first episode of Raw fresh enough into his Heartbreak Kid run to be an undercard guy, but late enough to have the full Sherri Martel screeching version of ‘Sexy Boy’. While they don’t appear on the show, the first episode of Raw is secretly full of the most bulletproof people in the history of WWE, people like Owen Hart and Sherri Martel.

Seriously, if you haven’t heard this (or haven’t heard it in a while), get ready for Shawn Michaels’ return on Raw 1000 with the best theme ever:

Okay, SECOND best ever.

Worst: Max Moon

According to legend, Konnan (let me speak on this) was supposed to be Max Moon, but he left WWF after a “backstage disagreement”, possibly centering around how f**king ridiculously awful the Max Moon suit looked. Paul Diamond of the Orient Express fit the suit, so he got stuck being “Maximilian Moon, Man Of The Future”.

From Wikipedia:

The suit was a very elaborate powder blue bodysuit with markings that were supposed to look like a circuit board and white protruding rings around his arms making him look rather “outlandish”. The elaborate outfit also came with two wrist devices that shot out fireworks and a jet pack that was supposed to make Max Moon look like a man of the future.

I want to do a gritty reboot of Max Moon and have him be a guy who can’t stop pulling down his pants.

Worst: That Awful Shawn Michaels Suplex Finisher

One of the worst things about playing WWF video games from this era is trying to set up and superkick people with Shawn Michaels, only to find out he’s got a SUPLEX as his finisher. Enter the Teardrop Suplex, where Shawn reaches between your legs, clasps his hands around your nuts and kinda Olympic Slams you over. It looks like it has less impact than a bodyslam, but it kills you. The crowd reacts to it with less enthusiasm than an actual bodyslam, and Shawn gets the win anyway.

The Teardrop Suplex is a great example of how lucky you can be in the world of wrestling, and how important getting and getting over certain moves can be. Can you imagine Shawn Michaels without Sweet Chin Music? He just looks like a Rocker still, right? What’s even worse is when he first started using it but before he added in the “tuning up the band” stomps, and he’d stand in the corner waiting for a guy to get up all awkwardly, like he knows he’s SUPPOSED to be doing something but doesn’t know what. It’s like now, when Zack Ryder hops back and forth making L-I hands and looking for the camera light so he knows when to do the move.

I’m trying to picture how differently WrestleMania 14′s title match finish would’ve played out if Austin had had to do “LET GO OF MY NUTS, NO” gestures before Stunner attempts.