Best: Team Brandon
I noticed two major things in the first 30 seconds of this match:
1. How sad are the current WWE Champions? I like Christian as much as the next guy, but Christian, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston and invisible child leading R-Truth as the statistically 3rd-6th best people in your company is depressing. There’s something to be said for giving title belts to people who need them instead of to people who deserve them, but man, if Vince believes that shit he said to Daniel Bryan about D-Bry “not looking like a wrestler” he should watch these Raw showcase matches. They end up being less important than the dancing dinosaur, is what I’m saying.
2. The heel team of Cody Rhodes, David Otunga, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil is basically my perfect mid-card eight man tag squad. Not for winning matches, really, but for Brandon’s Enjoyment. I’ve grown to love these guys, even if Cody SERIOUSLY needs to start hanging with a more impressive gaggle of jobbers.
Fantasy booking in my head involved The Ryback wandering out and Muscle Busting eight guys at once, but we don’t always get what we want.
Worst: One Of My Least Favorite Tropes Leads To My Least Favorite Trope
The match wasn’t great (I’ve gotten spoiled by Chikara, Dragon Gate and others making trios matches and eight-man tags into something special), but it gets a big smelly steam-lines Worst for evoking my second least favorite wrestling thing right now — heels giving up five minutes into a match and walking to the back for a count-out with nobody stopping them — and having it lead directly to my LEAST favorite thing about wrestling right now — babyfaces ganging up on a heel, beating him down and getting cheered for it.
WWE babyfaces are being really awful about this lately. Cena needed help against the Big Show, so five guys run out and help him win. Brodus Clay gets shanghai’d by David Otunga, so Brodus AND Christian AND Santino AND R-Boom all take turns beating him up and a bunch of kids dance on his corpse. Otunga deserved comeuppance, but shouldn’t that have just come from Brodus? That Sheamus-ass thing of attacking your foe from behind and serving him up on a platter to somebody else to beat up is at LEAST as cowardly as the purposeful count-out thing. It’s happening so much the “be a star” gag has gotten tired. Just have wrestling matches, don’t be afraid to let wrestling matches end, and don’t systematically humiliate everybody on your roster.
Best: Teddy Long Dancing At His Television
Ladies and gentlemen, the best moment from last night’s Raw:
They cut away from the Funkasaurus Dance Party to backstage, where Teddy Long is happily dancing along. Or he’s riding an invisible dirt bike, I’m not sure.
Teddy being in charge of the @WWERawGM is probably the most infuriating thing happening in my life right now. He tweets “Hey playas! Kane and Big Show are having a match!” and it’s totally harmless and I’m still typing and deleting YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT TEDDY 10 times in response. As a young fan of the Steiner Brothers a teenage fan of White Boys and an older fan of John Laurinaitis, Teddy has made my wrestling life Hell for like 25 straight years.
Best: I Don’t Miss Shane McMahon, But The Vince Training Video Is Amazing
I bet Stephanie’s favorite Smackdown moment is “that time I compared my Dad being investigated for steroids to 9/11″.
Anyway, Vince McMahon doing sit-ups while screaming I HATE AUSTIN, I HATE AUSTIN is one of the best and most pure moments of character development in wrestling history, and those Vince training segments still hold up today. He’s chasing a chicken with VIDEO CAMERAS IN ITS EYES for Christ’s sake. When Vince power walks out onto Raw these days to make both literal and figurative wanking gestures over his own talent, remember that he used to earn it.
Best: ADR F**king Up Sin Cara, Rudo Style
1. Alberto Del Rio has a mystery opponent, Teddy Long picked it, but he’s wrestling Sheamus at the pay-per-view. Is Randy Orton back yet? Maybe it’s THE UNDATAKAH
2. AWWW HERE IT GOES
3. did michael cole just say sin cara was a “popular lucha libre”
4. Alberto just attacked Sin Cara during his entrance, this is gonna be so awesome. I’m happy they’re finally pairing up the two legit lucha guys they have, becau-
5. Wait, is that it?
And then I settled into a happy place where Alberto Del Rio is tired of the stop-and-go bullshit he’s been plagued with since WrestleMania 27 and is ready to once again snap arms in the name of destiny. He’s made it this far without them doing a dumb split angle with Ricardo Rodriguez, so if he Rybacks Sheamus like he Rybacked Sin Cara we’ll be set.
An additional Best goes to any largely Latino wrestling audience. You guys are the best.
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Ricky Morton from the goddamn ROCK ‘N’ ROLL EXPRESS?! That shi’ cray!!!
I have a picture with him from when I was 6, and another from when I was 26. He’s one of my favorites ever.
I really enjoyed reading that NWA recap and I’m greedy for more details.
That pic of little you with Ricky Morton is so awesome.
Excellent column as usual, but duh.
First thing is first (I haven’t commented in a while) Damien Sandow AND Tyson Kidd in the Money In The Bank match. HELL. YES.
I always like having a guy who is underused but clearly fantastic to root for. It’s why I genuinely teared up when Bryan won MITB. It’s why the excitement I had of something coming from that win was far a different beast then the usual sort of excitement I have for anything else in the WWE. It’s like the difference between rooting for your favorite team, and rooting for the team you like more than the other one.
ANYWAYS. Now that Bryan is officially killing it and consistently in the main event picture, Tyson Kidd has become my new “underused guy to root for excessively.” And yeah, the whole bit on Raw tonight was pretty dumb, overall. But I just can’t even care. First Kidd looked great in that battle royale at whatever that PPV was, then he qualifies for MITB, and now he’s getting air time on Raw, getting SEEN. And yeah, the Kelly Kelly roll-up of doom sucked, but Kidd got a win on Raw, and that is huge to me. WWE is making an attempt to get this guy out there even just a little, and I could not be happier about it. If you watch NXT, you’ve seen that not only can Kidd have a great match, he can get over with a crowd who couldn’t have cared less when he first made his entrance, simply with his ring work. It’s fantastic to watch, and it gets me “favorite team” excited. Kidd isn’t going to win MITB, but he’s getting his face out there, and it’s just the best thing that ever bested. (That said if Kidd does win MITB I swear on my life I will fly to every one of your houses and get on my knees and blow you. Happily).
Blah blah blah, and again, great job as always Brandon.
TL:DR
RumHam’s back? Awesome! (/does a Calvin & Hobbes style full body joy dance)
Nothing you type is TL for me to R, RumHam.
I’m back so hard Bear, you don’t even know.
You’re too sweet Brandon, if you looked anything like Tyson Kidd I’d kiss you.
sadly I look more like Hornswoggle
Another round of celebratory BJs? But RumHam, you’re SO much cuter than those Heat fan porn stars… you don’t have to resort to it!
RumHam gettin’ weird with everything!
RumHam speaks the truth. Now that Tyson Kidd is done with his parade of stupid fucking haircuts I’m fully hoping he becomes a Big Deal.
+Rhodes
Rumham blowing all of the stroudmouths would definitely be the worst Bear-twink porn ever! (Glad I made the top 10, but a little concerned it was because of a gay porn reference, but hey whatever works, thanks for all the +1s perverts!)
Also, Brandon, your comment about WCW inviting DX into the arena and then having their roster shoot beating them would have been so epic it might have, quite possibly, gone down as the single greatest thing to ever happen in wrestling.
Yeah, that would have been awesome.
Realistically, WWE had to have a contingency plan on the off-chance that Bischoff would be like “Fuck yeah. Come join our show.”
Like they’d just edit around DX’s inevitable pussying out and show the segment as is.
From what I’ve read about Meng, he would have easily taken out everyone in DX and hate-fucked their tank.
Meng, right now, could win the UFC heavyweight belt if the Tongan death grip were a legal move.
I assume by contingency plan, you mean HHH fucking Chyna in the middle of a WCW ring.
Hooray, top 10! Great column, A-GAIN, Brandon.
I’m just gonna throw this out there…Your name reminds me of Allen Berube of The Ultimate Fighter 5.
oh, berube, take solace in knowing at least you aren’t wayne weems!
the name wasn’t exactly meant to evoke the monstah lobstah, but i’ll accept it.
And +1 for the groin shots. I’d also add eye pokes and back rakes
pretty sure eye pokes and back rakes were like 75% of Hogan’s offense throughout his entire career.
Although me, it would be two straight groin shots and then repeated chair shots to the head. Of course, you’re not allowed to hit anyone in the head anymore. I miss the Attitude Era.
The “more quivers in your arrow’s” line was so great. And I just know 75% of the audience had to have it explained to them…
Or arrows in your quiver… fack.
It’s three-for-one down here at Crazy Sal’s Discount Fletchery! Buy one arrow, get three quivers free!
OH MAN WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT ANTI-DRUG CARTOON WITH “the combination of Garfield, Muppet Baby Kermit and Michaelangelo from the Ninja Turtles telling us to just say no.” I LOVED THAT CARTOON SOOO HARD!!!!!
something about cartoon all-stars, possibly coming to the rescue, I think?
That thing is a MILLION times better than anything Above The Influence has done.
Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue was the official name. This was basically the show of shows to me when I was in kindergarten.
I used to/might still have that on VHS at my grandmas…
www. youtube. com/watch?v=kzKx92QD8Hk
Watching it right NOW.
*SCREAMS WITH DELIGHT!*
Also, Brandon, as a guy who has a history of drinking and snorting anything he could find I promise you that resisting doing those things now is 10000000000% more difficult than it was before I ever did them. Yes, I made stupid choices and did the same stupid things my parents have done, but now that I’m trying to lead a clean life I can promise you that it takes more strength to say no now than before.
The problem with those commercials is that they’re populated by Tracy Flick-s and yeah, fuck that.
SNORT THAT DOG! SNORT THAT DOG! SNORT THAT DOG!
sorry, i got carried away when i read ‘snorting anything he could find’
No joke, Lobster. No joke.
I still kept kosher, though.
SORRY, THESTINGER. I AM A JERK AND INSENSITIVE (aka white)
I wouldn’t bring it up if I wasn’t cool with jokes =)
Guys, how good was Raw compared to last week’s Smackdown? I’d say about 25% as good.
Smackdown occasionally has boring episodes, but most weeks it’s better than Raw for me. I just wish they’d just stop fucking around with the audio and air it as a live-to-tape show. Less Sheamus would be nice too, but that’s just a personal thing.
1) I can’t read “AWWW HERE IT GOES” without thinking of Kenan and Kel. I’m sorry.
2) At this point, there should be a regular ‘top ten comments of the week’ page, and then a ‘top ten Tobogganing Bear comments of the week’ because that guy is just the bees knees.
3) YES! Do a Smackdown B/W! There’d be way too many bests, but you’d enjoy it more!
1) That’s totally how you’re supposed to read it.
Was I also supposed to read “And Here We …Go” in Heath Ledger Joker voice?
Yep.
Everybody: Don’t forget to check out the Smackdown live discussion. [goo.gl]
Yay! Thanks for putting that up.
Man, I almost went to that NWASM event in Kingsport. Usually put on a decent show. What did you think of Jason Kincaid (Or as I like to refer to him as, “The Ginger with a huge beard and looks like he wears Ugg’s in the ring”)?
OH COME ON STROUD. JELLO ZIGGLERS WAS GOLDEN.
“Worst: Oh Great, Eve’s Back”
I believe you meant best, good sir. . . Did anyone else sense sexual tension between Eve and AJ?
FEMSLASH!
We all wish.
Unrelated to anything: Angie is convinced Eve is pregnant. I’m not so sure.
AJ’s storyline finally got awesome last night. The turn from random plaything to girl who is clearly in charge and just making these guys dance when she says to rules. When she stopped skipping around the ring and pulled out the table, i was confused. But when she started climbing up on the turnbuckle, i sat up and paid attention. It was such an awesome ending, and i’m glad there’s finally a tolerable storyline for one of the girls on the roster, especially after Karma and the Divas of Destruction things fizzled out.
Very true. Like Brandon said, the last step is to actually transfer this attitude to the divas division itself, and make women’s wrestling in wwe interesting again.
I was legit concerned that– since they know AJ can take a bump– that she was actually going to Sabu that table to get attention *and* cement her craziness. The ending we got was so much better, obviously.
And I’m sure we’ve all already said or thought this, but it bears repeating: It’s a great accomplishment for AJ that the most interesting and important storyline in wrestling right now revolves around a woman.
How funny and/or crazy is it that the best character on WWE TV right now is AJ? I dig it.
Also, every time I see DDP I can only think of DDP/Karl Malone vs Hogan/Rodman. I don’t think that’s a memory anyone wants to have.
I got his autograph after buying tickets to a Nitro when I was going through puberty. After he would sign an autograph he had everyone make the diamond cutter sign and yell “BANG!” When I did it, my voice squeeked, and he tried (unsuccessfully) not to laugh. It’s a funny memory now, but I was crushed back then
Listen, say what you want about “No Holds Barred”, but a member of the Hogan family running somebody head-first into a tree? ALWAYS funny.
Well, almost always funny.
Rip ‘em.
+Rhodes
I swear that “above the influence” dude who does the “half as strong” schtick is one of the creepiest people I’ve seen. He’s got the hairstyle of a teenager, but looks, acts and sounds like an evangelical preacher (or bible study instructor) in his mid-to-late 30s. Fucking hate that shit.
You know that bit in the first of Twin Peaks’ black lodge dream sequences, when grey-haired Cooper is sitting across from Laura Palmer in the red room, and off in the corner, with his back to the room, the little “Man From Another Place” guy is shaking and shuffling in this intense violent way and it’s so fucking horrifying and nightmarish because WHAT IS HE DOING?! OH GOD?
That’s what Teddy’s solitary backstage dancing reminded me of.
I made the top 10! YES! YES! YES! I better be on there every week from now on, or I will climb the turnbuckle and jump through a table. Seriously guys, I’ll fucking do it!
In all seriousness, thanks for the top 10! And thanks for this wonderful place where we can all gather together to discuss wrestling. The open discussion threads and B/W are 2 big highlights for me every week.
Good job, champ. I just hope you’re up to carrying the burden of being a Top 10 Poster. It’s a hard and lonely road.
I know we’re already over a year old on this B/W column, but maybe we could have some sort of Hall of Fame?!?! I nominate THESTINGER and Lobster Mobster for the 2012 class.
Thanks! You’re consistently awesome here and it means a lot for you to say nice things about me!
“All we need is for her storyline with the boys to be over at Money In The Bank, no matter what happens, and an equally fully-realized female babyface to show up, siphon her cheers and give us our first chance to really care the way we should about women wrestling in the big leagues in years and years.”
OR a full fledged female heel (who I actually care about. With respect to the totally ineffective Beth Phoenix) that can go after Layla and her championship and they can have their awesome match that lasts longer than 2 minutes! (They had something last week on Smackdown…until Bryan showed up.) Then I will care for the divas once more instead of just drooling over Layla or taking a piss break.
Agreed. They seem to be actually making some effort to make people appreciate and care about Layla. I was worried they were just building her up for Kharma (who at this point I don’t care about anymore, b/c the Diva’s division is so worthless); so it’d be great if we eventually got a Layla/AJ feud.
…That being said, I still want AJ to be involved with the guys’ storylines for as long as possible. Because we know once she’s back to dealing exclusively with other Divas, that Creative has lost interest in her.
“I sincerely feel like if WCW had opened their doors…”
Looks like SOMEBODY had been reading up on the “Rewriting The Book” section, huh?
I don’t know what that is, but I’m happy it’s not a unique thought.
The WWE should have lockers for backstage stuff. Just so Cena can hang another pair of jorts behind him during an interview.
Tensai should have thrown Kidd inside the locker and shut it. Pretty sure he would have fit.
That would have been awesome.
Next week, Slater needs to be all: “You know I’m getting sick of these washed up “legends” showing up every week trying to embarrass me. I’m so sick of it that I’m coming down with a fever…… /♪♫♪DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH! Disco motherfucking Inferno comes out.
You forgot to give a best for the look on Chris Jericho’s face when John Cena’s music hit during the main event. With Teddy Long as GM for the night he looked surprised that the match announced at the begining of the night actually had the same participants by the end of the night.
I want to stick my nose in AJ’s buttcheeks and sniff.
I loved the Cartoon All-Stars reference. That tape was a free rental at the video store, and they should have just given it to me after I borrowed it for the tenth time.
I just caught the AJ WINS moment on dailymotion, and dear god, I love that psychotic little Harley Quinn in plaid.
You could’ve caught it in the video I posted in the column.
For some reason, YouTube just refuses to work for me with my new ISP. I fear shenanigans may be in the process.
That whiteboard is awesome. Thank you.
And you know, thanks for the rest of the B/W. You’re awesome.
Great stuff Brandon. I know it’s not perfect, but I’m pretty happy with the product we’re getting these days. Guys like Prime Time Players are making tag matches fun again, and Dolph Ziggler just keeps getting better. That dude makes any match a must see.
Now if we can get only Cody Rhodes involved in the main event scene…
I don’t care for the Above the Influence commercials either, but that’s a really douchey thing to say in response to them.