Best: ‘Sup, Lita
how you doin’
stayin’ away from those yokel junkies, i hope
Best: Heath Slater Is Now Drinking Heartily In Sovngarde
I love that Stone Cold Steve Austin was hurt/busy and Goldberg reportedly turned them down, so the third biggest star they could come up with was Lita. When she grabbed the microphone to add an addendum to her challenge, I thought maybe Edge was well enough to run out and give OMB a Running Hug. Destiny asked, “Matt Hardy?” which made me laugh for a day and a half, and imagine Hardy tromping through his townhouse or whatever with a pistol, trying to find the Heath Slater ghost haunting him and threatening to steal his angel blood. APA was a pleasant surprise, not because I like the APA — I don’t, they’re garbage — but I love JBL and will accept any kind of on-screen beerdrinkery to get him involved.
The actual payoff to Slater’s match was fine, with the legends showing up to be the WrestleReunion version of that wall in Final Fantasy IV that keeps creeping forward to kill you, but they didn’t really tell a story, did they? Slater got arrogant, leading to a bunch of random people wanting to kick his ass, standing around backstage waiting for him to say something similar to their catchphrase so they could trot out and pin him. I was hoping the ending would be him learning that the power to be a legend is IN HIS HEART or whatever, or maybe have the Legends pick him up and pat him on the back for trying to fight them all … anything, really. Instead we just have a backstage video where Jeff the production guy says “Heath, you got beat by a girl” and OMG going C’MAWN MANNNN.
If I was in charge of Raw (and I shouldn’t be), Raw 1001 would start with Slater going “okay, facing legends sucked, I want to face the least experienced people we have”, leading to him facing NXT guys on Raw. Have him beat a few of them and run into Kassius Ohno or whoever at SummerSlam. You know, give TV and pay-per-view time to people who are not goddamn Road Warrior Animal.
Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout
Tout is still new/under ridiculous micromanagement so some of the Touts don’t come with embed codes. Whoops!
Regardless, I want to include a pair I couldn’t embed directly onto the page, starting with this one from Brandon/site favorite Lobster Mobster. Listen to her words and heed them.
Best: SEAN MOONEY, Y’ALL
It’s probably impossible for me to explain how happy I was to see Sean Mooney. I’ve mentioned a lot that I was an NWA kid growing up, but I LOVED Sean Mooney, mostly because he showed up as the host of the greatest baseball blooper tape ever, The Un-Official Baseball Handbook. Sometimes I feel like I was the only person who had it on tape, but it SHAPED me. To this day I write baseball jokes for a living, and if you know me well enough to know about my mascot photo psychosis, know part of it comes from this video package. Let’s GO! ONnnnn with tha SHOOOOWWWWW
Sorry, report’s over, I’m just gonna watch this tape for the rest of the day.
Worst: Do Not Make Me Live Through Rock/Cena II
Rock ran into John Cena backstage, and for most people it was their first teaser for TWICE IN A LIFETIME: JOHN CENA VS. THE ROCK for the WWE Championship at Royal Rumble. For me, it caused my face to do a hissing, Marceline The Vampire Queen scary face thing, crash through my upstairs window and fly away into the night.
I don’t ever want to write about those two guys beefing again, and if you make me it’s just going to be Taylor Momsen GIFs and pictures of baby sloths.
Best: I Want A Video Of Fozzie Bear Doing Non-PG WWE Catchphrases
This was cute, and basically anything with a Muppet on it these days makes me watch with my mouth open in happiness, but
1. Does Fozzie realizes Rock does that thing with his tongue during the Smell What because he’s mimicking licking a lady’s vagina? That’s what he’s doing, he’s eating poontang pie. Don’t emulate that, Fozzie.
2. And if you’re gonna make Fozzie emulate cunnilingus, at least give him a funnier catchphrase to work with, like X-Pac’s YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M GONNA SMOKE IT or Val Venis’ COCKED LOCKED AND READY TO EXPLODE. Would Fozzie Bear brag about how he’s Always Pounding Ass? Just use this innocent bear to remember how f**king crude you were for a decade, WWE, that’s what I’m saying.
3. Best catchphrase every is Konnan’s “THAT’S ENOUGHHHHH” and I’m sad Nitro clips didn’t make the cut.
Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout
The second COME ON WHY WON’T YOU EMBED ARGH Tout comes from another Brandon/site favorite, BookSavvy. My response is below.
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Been waiting all day for this in between falling asleep at work and wishing I was home.
Me too. I don’t even care if the IT guys see wrestling on my web history.
Woo hoo!
Hooray!
ABOUT TIME I’VE BE REFRESHING FOR 45 MINUTES.
I don’t see how JBL decapitating the one man band fixes…oh, never mind.
I’ve been refreshing this page all day (while periodically reading about emo Ichiro songs). PRAISE SCIENCE IT’S HERE!
I sat down at my desk at 8:03 AM.
I had my laptop ready to go at 8:05 AM.
I had a browser opened up with this page at 8:06 AM and have been refreshing ever since.
Pretty much the same here. I re-read all the comments while waiting… it was a slooooooowwww morning.
You’re doin it wrong if you don’t take a look at any of the other funny stuff Brandon & Burnsy post on the site. Reading & commenting on those helps make the time go faster :)
Alex* is right (as he usually is). There are other articles on here that are deserving of great comments that I know y’all can provide. It shouldn’t just be the wrestling and pictures of scantily clad ladies that get more than 10 comments.
best ever comment thread
Came home just in time for this. Awesome.
…any reason why it’s all of a sudden bold half-way through, including the comments? And why Tout isn’t working? Did we collectively break it, or is my computer just stroking out?
It might just be you, it seems to be okay (and properly emboldened) over here. Anybody else having that problem?
Yep me too.
try refreshing your page
Yeah, it was just page 4, momentarily. It’s all good now.
Also, I with I attempted to figure out how to Tout. Also that I had a webcam.
Top 10 comments are up, refresh for enjoyment!
Thanks Fearless Leader! I know it wasn’t verbatim, but I was typing from the heart. What’s important is that I just skipped around my dining room table, new-GM style, to celebrate this momentous occasion.
Does anyone else’s computer make intermittent screeching noises when they try to play the Tout videos?
Not mine, try using Internet explorer.
GTFO with the IE already.
Lobster Mobster wins the day with that Tout.
Thanks, friend!
Also glad that I wasn’t the only one thinking that Kane was getting Hassan’d
I want to see Bryan and Punk in a tag team match against Charlie Sheen and Chris Brown
Haha with Bryan and Punk shoot wrestling them for half an hour
Regarding Regis; When he started talking I asked my wife if he had cancer. Google says no.
Piper’s happy to help. Maybe she’ll have better advice after I teach her to read.
I am marking out for your dog. I can’t decide which part is better: the glasses, or the bandana!
Haha, the glasses are just something I cam up with moments before touting but her bandana is a permanent fixture of her wardrobe.
There’s something magical about how she takes off the glasses to illustrate her illiteracy. Also she has big floppy ears, yes she does!
I really should be ashamed that I taught her to sit, stay, and come but not to read.
The timing of that head shake was amazing.
Ive watched this video like 3 times and it still cracks me up. I applaud your TOUT Piper!
I know I’m entirely too old to even know who Taylor Momsen is, much less revel in how skankily hot she is. But yeah, Taylor Momsen GIFs would make Rock/Cena II bearable. (Better stock up in time for Wrestlemania season.)
It’s going to be a fun several months.
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon.
And now, Taylor Momsen?
WHAT WITCHERY IS THIS?!
So, Taylor Momsen is the starwipe to Hayley’s “part of the scene where they’re just kissing,” right?
I love what I love, what can I say?
+Rhodes
TWO adventure time references? (Finn the Human Eyes)
also woo punk.
I think I made the second one forgetting I’d made the first one. Season 1 just came out on DVD, forgive me.
not complaining.
dog tout dog tout dog tout dog tout.
Am I nuts or did you get a haircut between your tout yesterday and your tout today? Or does your hair grow super fast and you recorded this one before the others?
Haha no I did indeed get a cat’s worth of hair removed from my head before lunch today. It is too hot to have that much hair! I thought about the weirdness only after I posted my final video, but I was like eh, haircuts are fun.
Well it suits you! Good haircut.
Oh I was so mad that Punk didn’t call the Rock out for getting a title shot by doing nothing… but bam clothesline and I jumped of my chair with joy
No top 10 for me.
I’M A GONNA HAVE TAH OVERCOME THE ODDS AND PERSEVERE and so on and so forth.
It was impossible for me to include every funny thing in that thread. You guys were all amazing, and are all sentimental top 10s with me.
Best: Brandon sucking up to us all.
No worries, looks like I’m going to have to try harder next time. I once tasted the sweet sweet taste of the top 10 and I will back again!
I hated this episode. Even CM Punk (hopefully) evolving into dick “straightedge means i’m better than you” CM Punk could only barely save me.
My brain started screaming at the AJ / Vince “reveal”, and didn’t stop until after the next three segments.
Unless AJ goes straight Malkavian and starts making people wrestle like some goddamn golf clubs or something, this is going to be the complete worst forever. Luckily, with the way the WWE works, i’m sure it’ll last two months, and all of her decisions will get overruled by whoever is manning the tshirt gun at intermission. Ugh.
Sometimes i think i wasted a lot of my life on wrestling, and last night i thought it especially hard.
I’ll have to wait and see where it goes. If she’s a down-the-middle GM who doesn’t favor anyone, and just makes everyone do things they don’t like b/c she’s crazy and doesn’t care, I think I’ll like it for a while.
Actually, as long as she’s not blatently heel or face, I think I’ll be fine with it. If they insist on having an authority figure more involved than Jack Tunney, they need to take it in a new direction. Hopefully AJ can do that.
One of the best things about AJ is that she’s been a WWE fan since she was little and is pretty smart and funny, so she fills all her TV opportunities with awesome things that a beaten-down writers room would never think of. She could make a really fantastic GM.
don’t ever want to write about those two guys beefing again, and if you make me it’s just going to be Taylor Momsen GIFs and pictures of baby sloths.
Hey hey hey, WHAT is going on here? After Hayley Williams and kittens, that just hurts everyone, even you.
Baby sloths is a SAINT!!!
I made the Top 10 in a thread with over 6,000 comments. Holy shit.
Hey, does this mean I helped write this week’s B&W? Thanks, Brandon!
Why couldn’t AJ marry Byran and be the new GM? Does Vince have something against women in the workplace?
Because now she’s married to THIS BUSINESS
Does that make her Stephanie’s sister-wife?
Grossssssssssss
My favourite B&W of Raw moment was when Brandon made a list about why a silly throwaway Mae Young hand son joke was factually incorrect. God bless him for that.
Mark Henry is f**king black as night and could not have helped biologically create one of the goddamn Barenaked Ladies. I would buy him impregnating her with a severed hand before I’d buy his sperm being responsible for half of THAT guy.
Yeah loved it, especially that part, seriously WWE, how can you cast that guy??
I enjoyed everyone’s touts, theyre very entertaining.I just wish I could bring myself to do one.
C’mon, you know you want to…
Don’t be intimidated by all the facepaint and dog voiceovers, it’s really easy and fun.
That is one hell of a widow’s peak Taker is sporting nowadays.
It’s either really sad or really cool that this is a highlight of my day. I like seeing the faces of some of these fine folks doing the Tout messages.
Nice as always.
Not sad, hanging out in the open thread watching last night was the most fun I have had watching wrestling since I saw Hogan v Savage at the Tacoma dome when I was 12.
I should add that I meant sad as a reflection on myself.
I didn’t think Tout could enrich my life, but Stroudmouths/With Leather Daddies/Sonic Carhop Development Discussion Havers have proven me wrong. Excellent touting. Also, fantastic column as always Brandon. As someone that had loads of cheapo sports bloopers tapes as a kid, I’m happy to know about Sean Mooney’s proud contribution to that noble VHS art.
Yeah, the touts were pretty awesome. Wouldn’t mind them becoming a regular feature of the column.
That’s when the sponsorship money will come rolling in. Your move, Advertising Industry.
I am SHOCKED so far that no male has posted here yet with creepy messages about Papermint. *Checks watch* Well there’s still time I suppose…
Brace yourself, Papermint.
P.S. Brandon your blog was alright too, I guess… good job?
I wouldn’t mind a papermint on my pillow ifyouknowwhatimsayin
I don’t think you even know what you’re saying.
thanks, kind of
Don’t worry I’ve got a Mr. Papermint at home to give me enough creepy messages for everybody!
And with that, Papermint has Ryback-squashed our hopes and dreams.
FEED HER NONE FEED HER NONE
“PAPERBACK”?
That’s no paperminty, that’s my wife (fiancée)
Worst:
No Abe Washington/Slick interaction
Worst of the worst, that would be unbelievably awesome.
There were a lot of things I hated about last night’s show – Daniel and AJ belong together oh god – but the general festive atmosphere in the Open Thread with Bateman and Belding and the 6000 comment milestone was so much fun that I still had a really good time. Thanks so much, Brandon and the WithLeather community. I love you guys.
This is my favorite article in a recent memory. Maybe it’s the subject matter, maybe its the vitriol with how it was written but, dammit…it was good.
Thanks, B-Stro.
(If you liked my Tout, you can follow me on there @M4G3RK. Same as Twitter.)
I’m crying at the mascot video package.
I’m a pretty easy to understand guy at the end of the day.
Would you believe that I did that Tout in one take?
Also, howd’ya like my “Brandon on Quaaludes” voice?
Also the second, I KNOW THAT DOG!
I had to retake like 20 times and I still didn’t like how it turned out :( oh wells…
The new best is now Undertaker in a DX shirt [i.imgur.com]
It took him about 20 minutes to pull that shirt over his head.
Just LOLed so hard at all these touts, in the best way. Especially THESTINGER’s. I know the Mrs. is proud.
Proud… regretful… you know how it goes. He convinced me to do the paint, so that must count for something.
Wow, MrsTHE, I am legit jealous at your dedication to your husband’s frivolous pursuits.
my favorite part of the best and worst of raw is when casey aka THESTINGER said who cares about all those people that died in colorado on twitter
Except THESTINGER did not say that. Back to the rafters I go!
my bad i thought you were that casey guy
well either way he is the one that said it.
The point I was trying to make, in a conversation where I believe that context helped to illustrate, was that what happened in Colorado was tragic and that the people who were murdered should be mourned for, but that senseless losses of life happen all the time. I saw, what I feel, was an exaggerated display of grief that was surprising and that was surprising.
But, yes, the topic of conversation centered on how this tragedy might be politicized. My larger point, and a point I may have failed to adequately express on the Twitter, is that there are lots of very small things we could do to save lives and otherwise make the world a better place but yet we never address many of these issues because they lack any sensation.
I care. Don’t get me wrong, there are many tragedies and issues that I care about far more because I believe they effect more people and can be more easily stopped, but I care.
If you see me say something that you find disagreeable please bring it up. As an outspoken socialist who really resents the feeling of entitlement that many white men feel you have to believe that people get upset at me for plenty of things I try to express, and that it can be frustrating for me when people get upset at me for misunderstanding what it is I’m trying to say.
Thanks, friend.
Casey @HammerDialectic
@ChrisCJackson @IrishCreamOG Shootings happen ALL THE TIME. Why do people care about this one? Because Batman? #NotTryingToBeAJerk
it is a stupid awful thing only an idiot would believe
I have not seen very much on Twitter or in the news about the mass murders that happen across the border in Mexico. We hear about it in general but rarely are specific instances talked about, yet America’s lax gun laws and drug policy make these mass murders happen so I care about them more since they are something we can stop.
People care about the Colorado shooting because it is something they can relate to. They can relate to being a middle class white 20 something going to the midnight release of a children’s comic book movie, so the shootings have more emotional weight. I don’t think many of us can relate to the victims of the mass murders in Mexico or the thousands of murders that happen in America’s cities as much.
Yet, it is things like what happens in Colorado that drive the conversation and any public policy discussions even though these instances represent a very small percentage of the horrors that these tragedies bring.
My tweet was in context of the politics / public policy discussion and was meant to illustrate those points and to do so in 140 characters.
So, yes, I care about what happened in Colorado. I just ask that everyone also care about tragedies that happen to people that don’t look like you do and to think about the day to day horrors that many people live through. Don’t focus on the individual tragedies when we can do so much to make this world a better place if we were all to just think about those that didn’t look and act like us.
Thinking that I don’t care about the victims misunderstands what I was trying to say just as much as my accusing everyone here of not caring about any number of tragedies that happen every day because they don’t talk or acknowledge them.
I hope you understand that and appreciate the time I’ve put into typing this out. I would hate if this was just about you sharing something I said on Twitter to just try to make me look bad!
i will say i do appreciate the time you put in to it
“Hoe Kogan” made me laugh for like 10 minutes. That would have been the best best ever
Why do I keep reading this as Joe Rogan
This is David aka John Cena gay. My legitimate favorite moment would have to be when Brandon Stroud proved that R-Truth was actually Artruth, who was raised by Granny Goodness of Jack Kirby’s Fourth World. [withleather.uproxx.com]
CM Punk has always been a cult leader. First, it was the Straight Edge Society, then it was the Nexus and for the last year, it’s been the WWE Universe.
SO EXCITED
Was there a call for Favorite Best and Worst Touts? If so, I missed it, and I deeply regret I didn’t make one. Great job on the column as always Brandon, these discussions are the highlight of my Mondays and Tuesdays.
Yeah, didn’t know that doing a Tout was a thing or the baby and I totally would’ve done one. :-( Excellent column per usual. Loved everyone’s Touts, they were cute. The only thing missing was no gif of Ziggles and his quite epic ass roll last night.
It should be a weekly thing, but I’m afraid of validating Tout.
It was near the end of last week’s column.
Here are some more hilarious comments from yesterday’s thread that I picked out while doing a read through! You guys are the best.
dRail
Dolph Ziggler saw Billy Gunn and immediately wondered how that painting got out of his attic.
yifsuibfe
Daniel is losing his mind…..and we’re reaping all the benefits
papermint
Who else wants AJ to abuse her power by making all the boys wrestle in skimpier outfits? A DELICIOUS REVERSAL.
papermint
bonus if she makes them dance and touch their butts together.
Derrick Bateman
#rockbateman
Cami
JBL is back on the APA? Damn you, Wall Street Crisis!
BookSavvy
Legends House is on a field trip.
Joelski
BATEMAN DO A SHOOT RUN IN
Lester has gone rogue!!
Lesters gonna do his own B/W of raw, with blackjack, and hookers!
Yeah! In fact, forget my own B/W of raw!
Yes!!! Boys in skimpier outfits! I would be all over that.
I legit love dRail’s Dorian Gray reference. LOVE.
A Dorian Gray reference followed by a quotation from The Wedding Singer says a lot about my love for this site.
@Lester/Book +Rhodes on calling out the Dorian Gray comment.
Um, so, yeah: [t.co]
*head explodes*
I like that Waltman looks like he’s going to the trouble of making a dismissive wanking gesture for me in the picture.
The highlight for me was hearing what everyone’s voice sounds like. It also makes me self conscious because of my new york accent, use of slang and rampant cursing. I would be made fun of
Yes! I knew Ric Chair was a creeper like me! SSsssssssssss :)
Psh, as if. Tout your heart out, sentient inanimate object! Woo!
Gah, I got real named! Great read Brandon, though I gotta admit, I marked out for both undertaker and Mae youngs adult hand child, but that might have been just because I really needed a laugh. Speaking of which, I’ve yet to read yesterday’s discussion thread (I just finished watching raw, like, half an hour ago) but I can imagine most people liking the show. I mean, the bad stuff was godamn terrible, but there was a lot more good stuff than bad.
I’ll echo the sentiments by saying that this was my favourite recent B&W, probably because there ended up being a whole spectrum of awesome to awful for you to write on, Brandon.
Also, since I couldn’t do a TOUT(emphasis mine): Favourite moment was when the phrase ‘TEXT MASON RYAN OR WE AREN’T FRIENDS’ was used. You were right, him selling a dropkick is hysterical.
I’m surprised the whole show didn’t get a Worst for being about 40-odd minutes of wrestling in over three hours.
The WWE isn’t wrestling. it’s sports entertainment. Sherlock Holmes costumes for everybody!
HHH’s costume has no sleeves. Punk doesnt have one, but will wear HHH’s when he is done with it.
Good news: Raw got crazy ratings and D-Bry/AJ gained a million viewers, while Triple H lost a few hundred thousand viewers.
Bad news: All of WWE’s Touting, Tweeting, and general self-fellating has been rewarded.
Where do those numbers get posted? TVBytheNumbers usually only does it as an episode total.
I disagree with your Bad News. Fact: There are more people who stopped watching wrestling than ones who currently watch wrestling and even more people who’ve never watched wrestling than people who stopped watching wrestling (or currently watch wrestling combined.) Sure, the ratings were good this week, but there is little chance that this show managed to get new viewers or lost viewers back.
Celebrating themselves over viewers is going to cost WWE dearly and in as little time as next week.
No lie. Stinger’s tout and wicked hair made me poop all over myself.
YOU PEOPLE all seem to have problems holding in your peeps & poops.
i basically felt the same as Brandon. 2.5 hours of shit with a couple OH NEATO moments and then CM Punk giving The Rock the finger and me going YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY
I’ve also been checking back to WL all day (and neglecting Twitter, which is how I missed your message Brandon. Sent you a new link). I hope you enjoyed my Tout-ing. Notice how there wasn’t a single WWE Raw Tout featuring a lady? And B&W has 4 (because MrsTHESTINGER get’s the cred for Piper’s amazing Tout.) So take that stupid WWE infographic! And now the GM is a lady. Woot!
I enjoyed the show last night, in spite of the Worsts. Because come on… if we didn’t have any Worsts this would be a really cheerful rainbows and unicorns column and I’ve gotta say that I love our snark. And even though I liked the Mae Young hand thing, I appreciate that Brandon made a list of all the things that were wrong with that moment. Someone’s gotta keep us in check and that’s what BStroud is for. Because even I noticed that the Hand should only be 13 at the OLDEST so yeah! Don’t try to put one over on us, WWE Creative. We’re like, human encyclopedias of useless wrestling trivia and this is the only place we can actually use it.
I’m certain any woman could’ve touted something better than what was the standard last night of “what do I think about blank? Yes! Yes. *meekly, his mother just heard him* yessss…” …well, except maybe Tricia Evans.
I’m pretty sure that LobsterMobster won Tout for the day with her comment.
Thanks!
Just think… Somewhere, in some other dimension, we are all commenting on the Best and Worst of Nitro number, what, 800-something? I’d like to think in that dimension that Eddie is still around and the entire LWO reunited this past Monday and beat up Scott Norton or something.
Also… wow… WWE was pushing everyone to Tout their fav Raw moments for the past two weeks and they used, what, 6? I wonder how many blurry, garbled shots up someone’s nose as they mumbled something about Cena they got… Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll keep it to the bare minimum during the show.
I don’t understand why they didn’t use Lobster Mobster’s KOFI JUMP or my sign point! Those were from the heart people… from the heart.
Face it, BookSavvy, we’re just too awesome to be put on TV like that.
One of you should do one where you use up the 15 seconds with Big Johnny’s full title. Like “My favourite Raw moment is when the former, then current, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and General Manager of Both Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown, Mister John Laurinaitis—”
I think I might do that (but can I overcome my crippling self esteem issues to speak into a webcam without strong drink? We’ll find out!)
Great review. Pretty sure I thought “That’s gonna be a worst tomorrow” for all but a segment or two of the show.
You will quit writing these and/or die for reelz after Charlie Sheen knocks out Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam, right?
Glad you liked my Sean Mooney comment Brandon! There’s something about him that really makes people love him. When he came on screen a friend of mine I hadn’t talked to in like 6 months texted me with “SEAN MOONEY!!”.
Great report as always! Just finished watching on my DVR. (Missed it cause of my 2yr anniversary with my ladyfriend. Not married. Just 2 years. Engaged though! This is a really long collection of thoughts to be in parenthesis… Did I put the leftovers away last night? *sniff sniff* Nope…)
Anyways, any chance Rocky actually wins the title at the Rumble, and Cena takes it back at Wrestlemania? Perhaps that would drag it out too much?
And fully agree on the whole Heyman segment. What the hell? “If someone is suing you for assault, assault them and talk down to them until the aren’t suing you anymore!” Is that why the ratings are poor? Cause all our viewers are going broke and going to jail because our babyfaces are preaching horrible life lessons?
Also, we kicked Hardy to the curb because he was basically the Charlie Sheen of professional wrestlers, and then we use Charlie Sheen as a ratings ploy? Is that not a conflicting idea? I am not a Hardy fan, but if you are going to suspend and release guys because they hurt the image of the WWE, then why have Charlie Sheen on the show? Someone tell me if I’m in the wrong for being slightly miffed about this.
Your Rumble-thru-Mania scenario seems like the most obvious plan to me. So does that mean WWE absolutely *won’t* do it, or that they still will? Hell if I know. But I’d still be shocked if we don’t get Cena/Rock II at Mania.
Also KEVIN NASH MAEKS POOPIES!! >:(
Always the best. Always.
Where did Kevin Nash go, by the way? I assume his bones finally fell apart or something equally troubling.
The important thing to focus on is that he’s not here and there’s been no hint of him coming back.
He never got his crippling bone-itis cured. He was too busy being a 90′s wrestler.
Don’t worry about poopies, let me worry about blank.
Don’t you worry about Kevin Nash. Let me worry about blank.
Kevin Nash is like Germany. Ambitious, and misunderstood.
Don’t you worry about posting the same Futurama quotation,
Lester, you could have also gone with, “Blank? BLANK!? You’re not looking at the Big Sexy!”
Road Dogg said “I gotta make poops” on a recent “Are You Serious?” and I nearly lost my (stuff). Seriously. It was a meta moment.
Gun Season! I almost died. It’s funny cuz it’s true.
With a tag line like, “they tried to break him…so he’s breaking their rules.”
While I do love seeing and hearing all your beautiful faces/voices, it has sort of screwed with my dream that we’d have a huge get-together at wm 29, but nobody would know what each other looked like, so we’d have to roam new jersey, saying B/W catchphrases to strangers until we found each other.
Does that mean I can’t make us all matching shirts?
Could it be like Lost where we all have flashbacks and remember each other and our B/W experiences in dramatic fashion?
Or maybe the Parent Trap where we’re all given a little piece of a photo of Kevin Nash MAEKIN POOPIES >=(
“+Rhodes? My apologies, sir, sorry to have bothered you?”
Or we could just wink at each other, like in Fight Club.
I’m intrigued by the prospect of such a meet up.
I would rather go with matching ass capes.
I’m going to randomly walk around asking people “+Rhodes? My apologies, sir, sorry to have bothered you?” at all wrestling events just to see if I can pull some of the lurkers out of the woodwork ;)
And +Rhodes to MrSnrub for a Parent Trap reference.
You don’t wanna meet me. Just ask Brandon. I’ll get drunk and not be there to hold up your wrestling signs.
King of Trios, everybody. King of stinking Trios.
I will still totally willingly wander around MetLife stadium screaming “MAEKIN’ POOPIEZ” at the top of my lungs. Doesn’t even have to be during WM.
Lita is not hot enough for me to want to fuck her as much as I do. I want to fuck her so hard that Belladonna would say enough.
Whoa, partner, I think there’s a whole lot of internet where that comment would be appreciated but you managed to find the one place where it’s not.
Is it bad that I’m actively rooting for Charlie Sheen to finally O.D. so I don’t have to watch him do a program with Bryan?
It’s for the greater good. Whatever Sheen does will be embarrassing– if he had any sense of shame, he would die of it. So rooting for an OD is sort of like rooting for a mercy killing.
RE: BookSavvy’s Tout: Bravo. I am a fan.
Also: I enjoy the usage of colons as superfluous punctuation.
YAY PUNCTUATION! :)
@LobsterMobster’s Tout: The best part about Jerry Lawler jokes is not always are the always funny, but they are super, super easy. They are genuinely the only way I manage to have funny comments anymore.
*not only are they always funny. Sentence botch.
I’m the same way. I dropped at least one last night.
Also: I have strange feelings about finding out Lobster Mobster is a lady. It’s weird when you frame something in your head that turns out opposite. I think it makes everything LM has said even funnier. Not that girls can’t be funny. It’s just surprisingly hot when they are (Exhibit A: Lee, A.J.)
(Exhibit B: Kaitlynn)
All I know is, if watching wrestling all these years has taught me anything, it’s appropriate and healthy male/female relations.
p.s. Jerry Lawler + pedophilia = comedy gold. Works Every Time.
That’s ol’ LM, confusing minds, one mind at a time!
Lobster Mobster is my lady bro, fo’ sho’.
Just when you had all the answers, Lobster Mobster changes the question!
That’s why they call Lobster Mobster the Cerebral Assassin.
Sometimes I switch things up and assassinate my own cerebrals with heavy drinking!
Because you are THAT. DAMN. DRUNK.
Lester, you are the best.
Brandon – since we’re at 3 hour Raws, how about moving to a top 15 comments section? Granted, 5 could easily go to Tobogganing Bear.
At first I thought you were talking about JBL’s Clothesline from hell
The Trew Tout is incredible.
Haha, yeah. Was he nakedly touting?
Yes, bearded Jared Leto from Chapter 27 is awesome.
2 things that made this article awesome: comment from brandon about mae young handchild looking like a bare naked lady and thestinger tout video #motherfunkinwarhammer
Best: Sean Mooney. Who?*
*Doesn’t ANYONE remember that joke?
The WWE audience does not have the patience to wait 54 seconds before they shout “Love your hate”. Punk’s entrance would be longer than the Undertaker’s.
maybe so, but it’d be worth it
This strange Japanese Snow White is DARK. And DISTRACTING. And I totally recognize the intro song from when I was a wee babe.
It’s SO GOOD DUDE.
No best for Demonic Miz Girl in a video package?
Paulina Gretzky is also in Grown Ups 2
I should of said this last night but here goes. For the benefit to those with flash photography..Kane and Taker will pose for 5..hours
That homeless bag of shit Chris Trew cracked me up yet again.
THe Stinger is my Homeboy.
Yes!
THESTINGER is love.
Also, was that Veda Scott’s dog?
Thanks, Stinger. Great Tout, btw.
That’s our dog, Piper.
I kind of wish I commented more often so it wouldn’t be so creepy to say I think BookSavvy is waaaaaay cute.
With Leather is fortunate enough to have 4 of the pretiest wrasslin’ fans on the internets.
BookSavvy/Lobster Mobster/MrsTHESTINGER/papermint
*Sees reflection in mirror*
Come to think of it, With Leather has some pretty handsome men too!
Much like the cheese, Lobster Mobster stands alone (And for good reason, she’s a total weirdo)
Also – sounds like Alex* is a regular ol’ NARSISSUS!
Am not. *Installs pyro on mirrors*
I didn’t read any spoilers, marked out like crazy, laugh my arse off, and come here and I feel like i watched a different show than debby downer here…..
I really enjoyed it too, I think it was the most times I’d ever marked out on a single night for wrestling.
That first entry about DX probably explains our differences of opinion. I don’t mark out for seeing wrestlers we see all the time who weren’t great. I wasn’t 5 in 1997.
I wasn’t 5 in ’97 either, and didn’t care if they were great technically wrasslers then or now. Just the fact they were a-holes and the attitude of that generation… i liked that they flipped off authority like Austin did… I loved when they took on the evil Canadians (Hart’s) back then…
Shows you, Brandon, I was 3 in 1997! So ha!
I’m constantly shocked how many people assume “I disagree with something Brandon says” means “Brandon is an Internet smark who only likes technical wrestlers”. I love David Otunga, for Christ’s sake. Could you guys read a little more closely?
Not to get all “amateur psychologist” on this, but I think this demonstrates the fundamental misunderstanding of what made Steve Austin and the “Attitude” Era great. Austin wasn’t randomly “flipping off authority”, at least not at first – he was standing up to somebody who was ABUSING his authority.
The guy Steve Austin took on was a lecherous crazy person who abused his power, made people kiss his ass to keep their jobs, made a female employee bark like a dog to keep her job, and made out with another woman in front of his comatose wife. (And yes I’m aware that a lot of that stuff happened after the feud with Austin, but it’s definitive of the character.)
The guy D-X took on was Sergeant Slaughter, who was just an middle-aged ex-wrestler trying to be a decent middle-of-the road GM of Raw. See the difference? Standing up to an evil authority makes Austin a heroic anti-authority figure. Standing up to authority just because it’s authority makes D-X a bunch of sophmoric dicks.
I would tout but i was legit told by my college speech teacher that i sounded “like something out of The kings Speech” needless to say fuck that asshole.
Nuts to that, get your Tout on!
Hello again! I brought up last week that I was just getting back into wrestling after a long absence. It seemed that I came back for the 999th episode and that was a mistake. I was told by everyone that “It gets better,” “wait for the 1,000th episode!” and so on ..
.. So I watched the 1,000th episode and I still have a couple questions for everyone:
1) Is there actually wrestling on these shows anymore? I got really excited for a Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio match considering I know WWE’s history with it’s high-flyers. I thought “Oh shit! This is like some WCW stuff here and it’s the 1,000th episode, so you know they’re going to blow your fucking mind!” Then a really pale Irish man came out and hurt everyone, I blinked and then it was over. I felt really empty inside, guys .. Really empty ..
2) Charlie Sheen .. Really?
3) Does that Santino guy actually wrestle? Does anyone wrestle? Have they given up on wrestling at this point and have turned it into the male-fantasy soap opera it’s always secretly been?
4) Who am I supposed to like? I consider myself a fairly intelligent person and am prone to thinking on my own, but I have NO IDEA which guy is supposed to be a heel and which is supposed to be a face. They all just sort of do their own thing and it gets real confusing sometimes. I understand that CM Punk is supposed to be having a heel turn, yet I was actually cheering for him when he managed to lay out The Thing That Used To Be The Rock.
I apologize for seeming bitter, or unintentionally stirring a troll pot. These B/W articles got me back into wrestling and I’m starting to understand why, if I met some of you in real life, you’d smile so brightly talking about WWE, but in your eyes there would be nothing but coldness .. And a picture of John Cena.
I will try to answer some of your queries, new friend!
1) Wrestling is a bit limited on the big, weekly shows. Things like NXT, Superstars and whatnot that are available online have a higher wrestling to overall running time ratio.
2) Vince McMahon wants to be trendy, but he is, at best, a year or so behind the times on what’s really popular. Expect someone to say “Call me, maybe” sometimes around May of 2014.
3) He does wrestle, and if I haven’t blacked out any moments, he is the current United States champion. I don’t like it, either.
4) It shouldn’t matter who you are told to like, enjoy people for what they do. If you really like jumps, you’ll probably like Kofi Kingston. If you like guys dying in elaborate ways, you might be a Heath Slater or Dolph Ziggler fan.
I’ll admit, Raw 1000 was probably not the one to use as a better measuring stick, since it was bound to be more of a spectacle than Raw 999. Try and catch Smackdown and hunt around online for the lesser-used guys.
I actually really like Dolph Ziggler, but can’t stand Vicki Guerrero, even though she is who she is. I was a little disappointed in how quiet the crowd was during the Ziggler/Christian match on the 1,000th episode.
That’s pretty common. There aren’t too many good crowds/cities for wrestling in the US. New York, Philadelphia, and Chicago are usually the top ones.
I initially disliked Vickie but I rather quickly swung all the way around to unadulterated love. She is amazing. Nobody gets as much heat for so little.
Also, as for things to love, might I suggest this handsome Mexican aristocrat?
[en.wikipedia.org]
[www.hombre1.com]
He’s the essence of excellence.
I haven’t missed a Raw since 2004 and those are questions I have also.
The most important thing to remember is that little has changed. Whatever memories you have of lots of wrestling in the past or better-told storylines or whatever is false. At least since the debut of RAW, we’ve always had good wrestling or stories along with bad ones and dumb stuff like celebrity feuds and in-ring weddings that always end badly (…hrmm!). As awful as Raw 1000 was (and Raw 998-999 being subpar), it is (they are) far below average. Most weeks are as they (and SNL) have been for nearly 20 years: 1 or 2 awesome things, some pleasant enough stuff, and a handful of facepalming moments. Weather it to get to Daniel Bryan matches and Dolph Ziggler butt wiggles, laugh through the rest with us, and I promise it will get better.
This is one of your best yet, Mr. Stroud.
I like to think that I brought my A-plus commenting game to the first hour and a half of hashtag-Raw1000, but hey, sometimes you gotta do the job to Mr. Belding.
Be careful with your Touts, guys. If you mess up your wording Daniel Bryan will find you, knock you to the ground, and fuck your shit up.
[www.tout.com]
“If a UFC Champion monster has 20 dates, don’t you use 19 of them to make him look like the SCARIEST, MOST UNSTOPPABLE GUY IN HISTORY and let somebody beat him and look great on day 20?”
This.
Except don’t let Trips be the guy to look great on day 20, please.
That, to me, is the greatest failure of the WWE since the end of the Attitude era – Rock comes back, he loses to Cena, a guy who’s already over; Lesnar comes back, he loses to Cena and HHH, guys who are already over. If the Undertaker’s streak ever ends, it’ll be Cena or Triple H who ends it, not someone they could make into a huge star. They keep looking to the past instead of the future.
Sorry for the rant.
Also, thank you for restoring my faith in humanity, Brandon and everyone, for all of the Adventure Time references. Glad I’m not the only adult who loves the show.
Great write-up Brandon! These reports got me watching RAW again and they (and the excellent community) keep me watching.
That and the distant hope that Daniel Bryan v Charlie Sheen is a 30 minute submission Iron Man match.
1st minute Bryan stomps him until he cries. Minutes 2-30 are Sheen tapping to the Yes-Lock until his right hand is as raw and red as a baboons ass. Best Celebrity match ever.
Leaving a goddamn comment.
Thanks, Disco! Tell Alex Wright I said hello.
@Brandon: Das Wunderkind AW, or Berlyn?
“DX was never cool.”
This site is ass. BRING BACK PUNTE.
PUNTE PROBABLY HATES ALL OF THEM
You make a decent point – “Night after WM XIV/Shawn dropped the ball so now we’re just gonna murderdeathkill everybody in our way” DX was pretty cool for a couple of weeks before the fans started cheering them.
But the “Kings of Frat-Douche Comedy Tour” version of DX that was on display Monday night? Sorry, man – that was never cool. At least not if you were born before 1985 or so.
Much respect for the Demolition Man reference, John Spartan, but I don’t think you get to make the universal declaration that “Kings of Frat-Douche Comedy Tour” DX was “never cool”. You are certainly entitled to that opinion, but massive sold out arenas full of crotch chopping fools and thousands of ex-frat bros who spent 4 years pedigree-ing and fame-asser-ing their friends through old couches would probably disagree with you. That doesn’t mean they’re right and you’re wrong – it just means that no one person gets to decide what’s cool. Except Dolph Ziggler. Because hairflicks and asscapes are the shit.
If Brandon had just copy-pasted the pre-show notes from 2 weeks ago, I would have understood. This week’s show was the hardest my fandom for WWE has been tested since I returned to watching at the Royal Rumble. As awesome as a return of cool Punk could be, I’m still disappointed at what seems like a couple months of AJ and Daniel Bryan having to tread muck until “creative” has better ideas for the best female and male performers in the company.
Oh well, at least I get to imagine that AJ for real freaked when she got to meet Lita. That cheers me up a little.
Why does everyone seem to be ignoring the fact that it seems clear that the WWE is set to have Punk fued with The Rock while Super Cena and Big Show go off and have their own separate fued (that hopefully gets settled with Big Show punching his fist right through Cena’s skull)?
Is it because WwE lOGIK!!!1? It is, isn’t it. It is.
Err…probably because the Rock’s movie schedule won’t permit him to “fued” (or even “feud”, if you’re into the whole “spelling” thing) with anybody until the Rumble.
The far more likely scenario is a bunch of half-hearted “fueds” between a newly-heel Punk (that’s good!) and Cena (that’s bad!), with Punk cheating to win and holding the title until the Rumble. THEN…
Rock beats Punk -> Cena wins Rumble -> Cena challenges Rock at ‘Mania -> Cena beats Rock at ‘Mania -> I wish I’d found a more constructive use of my time, like say cutting myself.
Yeah, picking up typo errors on a messageboard is only mildy douchetardish.
It’s a “typo” if you do it once. It’s an “error in spelling” if you do it twice, and I was just busting your balls a bit – I wish you were right about the Rock/Punk and Cena/Show storylines you’re hoping for, but as the rest of my message points out, it’s not gonna happen. Sorry.
So much greatness. It’s like a really big sandwich – I just don’t know where to take the first bite.
I will say this – I imagine it will be at least a few weeks before the phrase “yokel junkies” doesn’t make me inappropriately chuckle out loud.
Well done.
Good job, Brandon. Loved it.
The CM Punk thing made me so happy that I keep re-reading your description of it. If I can say anything about WWE, it’s that they’ve given us so much shit that it makes the legitimately exciting/logical/intriguing things that they do seem THAT much better.
I was a little disappointed with the dog’s Tout – I was hoping for an Asparagus run-in.
So Big Show, who has reverted into giant-unstoppable-monster-mode, gets dead by Rock spit and falling on his back? What is he, part turtle?
NEEDS MORE MOON-SUIT
Long time reader, very infrequent commenter.
Just wanted to say thanks for the columns every week (except for when you farm them out to other people, then you are dead to me). Great read that I look forward to after every show. I am always a little bummed that I can’t watch the show on east coast time with the rest of you. It seems like a clusterfuck of fun.
Would love to see Team Punk (Punk/Bryan/Ziggler/Show) vs. Team Cena (Cena/Rock/Jericho/Clay) at Survivor Series.
So, it was only when I re-looked at the front page image that I realised the title is referring to Punk’s clothesline and not JBL’s awesome one on Slater. Eh, it’ll do as well.
>CM Punk Heel turn
Don’t you have to actually be a face to turn heel? I mean, I get that he got a lot of cheering and stuff but what was the last genuinely face thing Punk did? The celebration with Zack and D-Bry after TLC? He’s been a heel since he won the title at Survivor Series
I get what you’re saying, but I have to assume you know it’s BS (no offense). Playing to the crowd and feuding with heels makes one a face. Even if those heels get more cheers than they’re supposed to, like Bryan and Big Johnny.
…Maybe I should approach this a different way: do you think Stone Cold was ever a face? If not, then I’ll concede that you’re sincere with the “Punk’s been a heel since Survivor Series” stuff.
I was cringing while watching DX get through the first segment until hearing Sandow’s music chime in and instantly that changed. Just like Brandon, I gave out a hearty “Fuck Yea!”. Hopefully that signals a push for him. I love that in a show where WWE celebrates everything in it’s past, my favorite moment was a glimpse of the future.
Watching Smackdown. Well, half watching. Did I hear the commentators say that Damien Sandow was trained by Killer Kowalski?
Indeed you did. Wikipedia also states that Kowalski trained him (says that he trained a bunch of people like Kofi Kingston and Tensai).
just got home from italy. first trip to the internet was check this out.
I’m late to the party, as always.
I like how all the options for the Raw interactive match are the same match.