Worst: Really? Cena Again?
I think I speak for all post-pubescent wrestling fans out there when I say that nobody wanted Cena to win. Sure some it has to do with the fact that he’s been the same guy for a decade and makes timely Star Wars references, but that’s not all. Cena may have “needed” to be the Rock and he “needed” to beat Lesnar, but he didn’t need this match. Even if he lost MITB, he could walk in the next night, ask for a title shot and deserve it. Having Cena win the briefcase means very little in the big picture.
Unlike Sheamus, Cena can’t cash the case in at an opportune time and take advantage of a situation. He’s going to give proper notice and make it a fair fight. Even if they make him the first person to cash it in and lose, it doesn’t mean anything. He’s still going to show up every night, work hard blah blah blah. To Cena’s credit, he is the first person I’ve ever heard of that’s able to “muscle out” of a choke hold by just flexing hard. Maybe all those wrist bands aren’t just because they look cool. I think they restrict his blood flow so much that he can now survive without oxygen. Brilliant.
Best: Cena’s Victory Face
This picture pretty much sums up everything
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Julian
It’s just a little brogue kicked! It’s still good! It’s still good!
Lester
That Money In the Bank contract is Cena’s only way out of the main event.
Tobogganing Bear
The Sky Mall ladder!
Geo
AW has invested in audio technology Jimmy Hart could only dream of.
Mr Snrub
Arizona crowd was confused: There’s racism, but it’s from the people we should boo.
DavidDTSS
That explains the homeless guy that was screaming “I have til 5!” as he was escorted out of the mall today
Lobster Mobster
Jerry Lawler’s motto regarding women:
If there’s grass on the field, see if she’s got a daughter.
LastTexansFan
We’re gonna have try-outs!!”
Downbound
I hope the writer who was able to name six divas got a gift card to Subway or something.
burgermike
“The briefcase like a hot potato!”
Out runs Sheamus.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/emma-dence-nxt-180x170.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/impact-wrestling-scratch-off-game-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
Cena won with his patented Super Cena technique?! I R amaze.
Delightful recap Danny Boy Downes. +Rhodes to you!
Damien Sandow is fantastic, but am I the only one that thinks he’d be perfect as General Zod in a Superman themed porn?
Get out of my brain.
I’d say Sandow’s more Non, if anything.
I think this was my favourite guest-written B/W yet. Good job, Danny! The Sheamus promo about the different kinds of shirts cracked me up.
Also, thank-you to THESTINGER for giffing AJ putting the chair in the middle of the ring and sashaying back to lean seductively against the ropes and watch the boys scramble. That was amazing.
“Sheamus is related to my cousin’s future wife”
Does that mean you’ll be related to Beaker?!
Verified
Just through marriage, but it’ll be enough for me to apply for Muppet citizenship
AW gets my best for “best getting hit in the face with an astonishing amount of water for one little cup”.
I liked this. Not because you’re a former MMA fighter and you might hurt me. But because I actually liked it.
This was a very good read. And not just because of the Cena reaction face and the fact I got a top 10 comment. Kudos to you.
The girl who said her favorite Raw moment was when AJ proposed to CM Punk was Pat Summitt, so give her a break.
the worst part of this review… besides it being 4 pages long and it basically being a bleacher report article… was the comment that if Brandon left us, you would take his place….
I’ll agree that it’s nice to see the Divas get some legit PPV time, but a six Diva tag match where winning means nothing should be on Raw. A tag match like that should be used to set up the upcoming championship between Layla and whomever. And as much as I love to see Ryback kill two guys in a match that he will obviously win, save that stuff for Smackdown.
I’d rather see Ryder get a cheap pop by beating Swagger as long as it’s something that’s been built up to (who has the best hair in the WWE?).
Verified
Lucky for you I hear that With Leather has a money back guarantee. Just send a self addressed stamped envelope to headquarters (and the proof of purchase of course) and the refund is yours!
Ha!
Don’t take offense. TeamCaptain seems to have decided to be an asshole to random WL posters and see if it gets him noticed. We’re all thrilled.
Great report Danny! I dug it.
I hated Cena winning, but after some thought, it’s really not so bad. Cena Punk should be a lot of fun, and while I’d love to watch him and Bryan wrestle forever, they should move on soon. It’d be tricky from a storyline perspective, but Bryan/Del rio would be seriously fun to watch.
Good write up, special guest writer.
Excellent work, sir!
Great work, Danny–if there was ever a competition for Official B&W Backup, you would get my vote.
Really fun write up, man!
I was really disappointed in this PPV. The Smackdown MitB match was lots of fun. It had a lot of really great spots and told a fun story of Ziggler getting destroyed and still managing to win. It made everyone else look good (except maybe Sandow) and even gave Tensai something to do as he was just tossing around all the smaller guys. It felt like a game of Magic the Gathering and Tensai was the periodic Wrath of God.
Everything else about the PPV was poop, though. Jericho pissed me off since he couldn’t climb a fucking ladder. The Raw MitB match was just full of timing issues where people climbing had to stall. It broke my first rule of wrestling: Just because wrestling is fake doesn’t mean it has to feel fake.
Punk v DBry was Punk v DBry. Again. I’m blaming my lack of enthusiasm on Punk. Sorry, dude, but you’ve not made me excited for a year so please get the fuck off my TV so we can get Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, or anyone else. Also, how many fucking hit points do you have? People bitch about Super Cena but fuck me, Punk was so much worse last night.
Whatever. I got a bunch of rad gifs that’ll be up on my Tumblrs soon. Also catching up for the last few weeks because heh Tumblr.
Well, at least Cena’s win means the WWE Title will be main eventing, finally.
Does that goddamn title still spin?! Ugliest fucking belt in the history of ugliness. Or belts. Or history.
Seeing it live really spoiled some of the fun for me. During the first MITB match, I was in the upper deck looking at Damien Sandow, just sitting on the outside of the ring,pretending to be hurt. He did two moves, was tossed out, and was suddenly f*cking immobile. I get what they’re trying to do, but seeing this thing live makes you do nothing but stare at the outside and see who the ref is telling to get up next.
- I bullshit my way down to the lower level, literally right next to the left side of the Titan Tron. Which was awesome, ’til Ryback came out. Pretty sure they lit two M-80′s under my ass while I was texting, and I think I’m still pooping my pants.
- Tyson Kidd done good.
-Holy shit, the crowd was terrible. There was a decent ‘SI” chant for ADR, but the crowd was full of little kids chanting all the wrong shit.
- Like I said, I started int he upper deck. Tehre was a fat guy with a Hurricane Helms shirt who smelled like he’d been wearing that shirt since we last saw The Hurricane. On the other side of me, Mexican baby screaming in spanish because he wants to get the Hell out of there. Thank you, all parentds who think that by not removing your kids, we all benefit. Assholes.
-I’m sort of a fan of AW’s talking on the mic while watching on TV, but the translation to seeing it live is a bit lost. ‘Rosa can’t dance!’ and the crowd booing was the second biggest pop off the night, right behind her ass. popping.
- Eve Torres in person. Holy fuck.
- The apathy coment DBD made is spot on. The place was crickets from the moments his music hit. Nobody cares about poor Miz.
-Sheamus is becoming John Cena. End of story.
- I mentioned it yesterday, but a rather gangsta-looking african-american gentleman was decked out to look like a cross between New Jack and Hunico, and was sporting an expensive looking custom belt. The badges on the sides, as well as this nameplate had a the words ‘ Fried Chicken Nig”. And no, I didn’t take the picture because I didn’t want to get punched in the face.
-Lillian Garcia is in charge of pumping the crowd up before the show. She really busts her balls, and does a bang up job. Plus, she didn’t eat shit, so there’s some awesomeness for you.
- Nice to see Ryback take a little punishment for once. My ass still demands it. ‘Feed me More” chants were rather abundant, as were ‘Goldberg” chants. I want s’mores.
- The post-match camera man actually approaches the wrestlers and tells the wrestlers what to do as theyre coming up the ramp. Half the time, they cut to vignettes and the wrestler is left standing at the entrance waiting for some strange black-shirted man, presumably named Jeff, to give him a hall pass to go back into the Gorilla position. ‘Thanks, Jeff!’
-I logged into my GD phone at the event, tweeted and fb’d multiple times, and no zig Zag badge. Fuck you, man in charge of badges! I followed your strict badge-appointing rules! I demand justice!
Little kid asked me why I was cheering for Ziggles. My response was ‘ Watch,he can fly”. Two seconds later Tensai tossed him over the announce table, and the kid just turned around with his jaw on the floor. You’re welcome, little buddy. You’re welcome.
Fantastic write-up, Joel. Thanks for that. Kudos for turning that kid into a Ziggles fan for life.
Nice write-up.
Weird, because on TV, the Miz seemed to get a great reaction from the crowd. Maybe that’s my wishful thinking, because I was pumped.
Try liking the article now. It might still work.
I agree for the most part on the crowd, but that “We Want Ziggler” chant, and the ensuing explosion when his music hit completely redeemed them in my eyes.
I wish I could have seen that kid’s face! :) Converting the masses, one kid at a time!
Actually, mighty, WWE uses strange mic tricks to work the audience. Audio levels of mics are raised at times, and music for heels’ entrances, while loud, are not decibel-splitting loud. Sheamus came out and you could tell they were turning it up as the song progressed. Certain fan chants were pumped through the PA to make it seem deafening, while some of the others (Si!) were obviously not given the same treatment. That’s THIS BUSINESSSSSSSS for you, I guess.
“Bob Backlund would chicken wing the shit out of Verne Gagne.”
Who doesn’t know this?
Verified
The chicken wing > the Masterlock
Good write-up, DBD!
Yay, I made the top ten with my disgusting horribleness!
Oh, and Sin Cara almost killed Ziggler. At least, it looked like it from upstairs.
Great report, Danny Boy.
While I love the way Dolph Ziggler sells, I’m old enough to remember a simpler time when X-Syxx-Pac-2-3 Waltman was the 1-2-3 Kid and sold the HELL out of every match he was in. You thought he was literally in peril every time he hit the ring, and it was more than just “he’s really small”.
But then, he started getting hurt, and couldn’t sell and had to ground his aerial attack and well, got…bad.
So when I see Dolph get B.A. Baracus’ed into the announce table, I love it…but at the same time I wince a lot, because Jesus that’s gotta hurt.
I guess I’m saying I hope Dolph takes it a little easy on the over-selling. He’s an immense talent, and it would be a shame if he’s wasted because of injury, and ends up in TNA going by “D-Zig”, brawling with Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy in Reverse Gauntlet Battle Royal on a Pole matches. That would make me sad.
Hey guys, my gifs and screen caps are up on my Tumblr (wtf is a Tumblr?) and there’s some good ones that weren’t in the report. You should Check It Out! With Dr Steve Brule.
Yes! I made it to the Top Ten! “I’m here to show the world! I’m here to show the world!”
Seriously, though, I’m humbled and very grateful. I also think that I could “watch” an entire PPV or Raw just by hanging out here in the comments thread, have a completely accurate understanding of what’s happening AND still have the emotional pay-offs of being angry (Grr, I hate you, John Cena, I hate you!), happy (ZIGGLAH!!) and surpwised (Ohmahgod, you’re a bwoom?).
So, in short, I love you guys and this place.
Good writeup, man. Enjoyed it. As for the show, I wanted to like this more than I did. The Smackdown MITB was good, and I was glad Dolph won, but I’ve pretty much had it with Sin Cara and Tensai. And I reeeeally want to like Tensai. But for whatever reason, the guy can’t get out of his own way. Oh and he’s a human monster who is really married to using that terrible finger-stab uppercut instead of bludgeoning people.
Santino sucks. Moving on.
After last week’s Rawbortion I was at least convinced the AJ thing was going to have to come to a conclusion last night. To me, the only satisfactory conclusion was her screwing over Punk, but either way, you’ve got to move this story along. They’re stuck in a bad groove of not wanting to change the titles, which is OK, but they’re also so lost for ideas that the stories aren’t moving. They don’t know what to do, so they don’t do anything. The girl proposed to the champ last week – what more of a story is there to tell?
Speaking of no ideas, Cena. My lasting impression of that match will be facepalming as he Rose Above Needing Oxygen. Can’t wait for Raw!
Excellent write up. +Sandow to you, sir!
Solid write-up man. +Rhodes for you.
I enjoyed myself last night, even if the Cena ending was predictable and I kept worrying that everyone in the Smackdown MitB was going to die. I’m still a Punk fan, even if I long for the Summer of Punk Punk, and thought the match was solid, even with the looming worry of an AJ interruption. Not sure if this angle is over now that Cena is “Mr Money in the Bank” which STFU that belongs to DOLPH. >:(
Another Best was DBry’s crazy beard. Shaving his head made it look all that more epic but also made MrBookSavvy try to convince me that I should let him shave his head again so he looks less like Sandow and more like DBry. If he does that, I get a Vicki haircut so that shut him up. Sorry, I thought we needed MOAR FASHION talk today ;)
BTW, if Zigs loses his title match… this place will burn. Hey… where’s my Ziggle Wiggle gif?! ;)
To quote a great coach: Good jorb!
+Poopsmith
Two observations:
1. That GIF of AJ throwing the chair, backwards-Flair-struting and her sadistic smile was nice.
2. If Dolph Ziggler is a Resident of the Other World from Dragon Ball, where is his halo? Or if he is a member of the Black Lantern Corps, where is his Power Ring and his Black Lantern Symbol and why doesn’t he look like a zombie? I am only asking because there is no way he should have survived that throw into the chair. Seriously, someone has to tell him to dial it down a notch or two before he hurts himself.
Oh, and always nice seein’ youse in these parts, Danny boy. Cheers.
Verified
Thanks, it’s fun to write for something non MMA related.
“I like the way Snrub thinks!”
Someone had to say it.
(And might have, if I go back and read the bazillion comments.)
GREAT write up, man.
If Brandon were Maverick, I am sure he would say “You can be my wingman, anytime.”
Good job Danny. Admirably filled in, hit most of the beats we come to expect from this column. Kudos.
Also F**k Sheamus.
I notice (having just watched the PPV) that Lester and LastTexansFan were about the only folk on here who vocally enjoyed the WWE title match. Having just spent ages away from wrestling I’ve come back to it with a new determination to take the bits I enjoy and leave the bits I don’t and not moan or fantasy book, and I really seriously enjoyed that match. I also think AJ did contribute in a very real way, just by being there and being emotionally involved, n’est pas?
Also, very good work on the column sir
I really enjoyed the review. I have yet to enjoy a match featuring a mic’d up AW, but hey, you get one. Everybody gets one.
MILLIONS OF LADDERS MILLIONS OF LADDERS MILLIONS OF LADDERS MILLIONS OF LADDERS
Kudos to everyone here for gritting their teeth and being polite to the guest writer. Good, uh… good effort there, champ.
My laugh thread:
‘Bob Backlund would chickenwing the shit out of Verne Gagne’ is a shirt Barbershop Window needs to make. Just gold.
Late to the party, but just wanted to pop in and tell you what a great job you did, Mr. DBD. Loved it, funny stuff!