Ever since I saw and loved Marvel’s The Avengers, I’ve been jumping all over every little rumor that pops up and analyzing the hell out of it for FilmDrunk, because I need something to do in between chest and shoulder sets. With the success of Avengers, it’s hardly a surprise that Marvel wants to start making films for basically any character that has ever existed, so that got me thinking: “Hey, what about the NFL SuperPro?”
In case you’re unfamiliar, the NFL SuperPro was a character created by Marvel in 1991, and he was just your average NFL player whose career was cut short because he saved a kid from a fire and shredded his knee in the process. He’s like the exact opposite of Maurice Clarett. But he met a crazy sports fan scientist along the way – aren’t all scientists huge sports fans? – and through a series of zany coincidences, he was doused with a formula that turned him into a super-powered mutant. Thankfully, he chose to use those powers – and a fancy NFL-inspired costume – for good.
I know what you’re thinking: “This sounds awesome! How has this not already been turned into a movie?” Unfortunately, the NFL SuperPro only lasted 12 issues and people pretend like it sucked. Well, it didn’t. It was incredible, and he deserves to be a part of the next Avengers film. Please join me, as I explain my reasons.
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Because of the American public’s inability to grasp the amazing concept of a former athlete being doused by chemicals and turned into a powerful god-like being – as opposed to having his bones replaced with an impervious metal alloy, which is so real – SuperPro didn’t do so well. And that’s even with Spider-Man teaming with him in the debut issue. So by issue No. 8, Marvel had to bring in the big guns, this time in Captain America. So why not have SuperPro return the favor in Avengers 2, when Thanos’ minions attack the nation’s capital and perhaps a Washington Redskins game? With logic like that, I shouldn’t even have to continue.
In an era when sports team owners and product companies are terrified of losing their superstar athletes to unnecessary injuries, we’ve seen the end of the once incredible two-sport stars. Gone are the days of Deion Sanders, Brian Jordan, and Bo Jackson. NFL SuperPro wasn’t just a football star, either. In issue No. 11, he showed that he’s also an incredible basketball player. Maybe Red Skull returns and the only way to stop him is to beat him at H-O-R-S-E. Who’s going to do that, Hawkeye? Right.
“Touchdown!” Imagine children screaming that on the playgrounds after they see their new favorite Avenger yell that as he jumps on Thanos’ back and puts his helmet on him backwards to distract him while the Guardians of the Galaxy blast him into a cosmic jail cell. Hell, the t-shirt sales alone will push this movie beyond Avatar.
Look, I don’t want to be all Mr. Greenpeace lecture guy up in here, but I was very concerned about the number of trees that were killed during the Iron Man/Thor fight scene in Marvel’s The Avengers. I know it’s just fantasy and those trees didn’t actually die, but movie studios have an obligation to teach lessons through their films. Why not bring in SuperPro to save the rain forest from Loki, who can be disguised as a construction foreman in Brazil while he searches for a piece of the Infinity Gauntlet? Hollywood our children this.
In one of his 12 magnificent issues, SuperPro teams up with a man named Pennypacker, AKA The Almighty Dollar, who can fire pennies from his hands like Spider-Man shoots webbing. Um, hello? A hero who spends money to win? That’s Dan Snyder’s acting debut if I’ve ever heard it.
When SuperPro saved the rain forest, he fought against a powerful villain named Rip Saw. That’s a great addition to Loki’s army right there. Not enough? Fine, you can add the entire team of powerful former football players known as the Head Hunters. You think Tony Stark and the Hulk are going to have time for them? No. They’ll be begging for the SuperPro to come help them.
“ARRARR!!” “FWUMP!” “ZOING!” “SMAKT” “PUNT!” Can you imagine those powerful noises attacking your ears in IMAX’s three-dimensional sound? I’m not even sure we’re capable of handling it.
Forget his special powers and abilities, SuperPro can just go wild and take on everyone at once. He’s like a magical frat boy, but sober and not crying throughout the fight.
In this day and age, between lockouts and suspensions, drug abuse and violence, it’s important for athletes to remember that the fans are what’s truly important. And when the Avengers save the universe from Thanos’ quest for galactic domination and human enslavement, they should also let regular people know that they matter first. In that case, SuperPro isn’t just a role model to fans, but to the superheroes, too.
We’ve already seen that Tim Tebow is getting his own comic book, so why not let him star as the SuperPro in his first comic book movie? After all, SuperPro was Tebowing long before Tebow was. It just makes sense.
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They should set the film at Lambeau, so NFL SuperPro™ can do battle with Spiderman’s arch-nemesis, The Wall.
And yeah, young folks, the umpire in that clip is played by Morgan Freeman.
Goddamn, The Electric Company was awesome back in the day.
Well he couldn’t be Easy Reader in EVERY episode. OK, he could. He’s MORGAN G/D FREEMAN!
That they thought to throw in the specific, top 6th, two outs, a man on, game situation was the most amusing thing. That and “I can be pretty when I wanna be.”
Kabuki-back!
So I’m guessing that Sergeant Hatred was a member of the original Head Hunters squad?
I can’t believe this slideshow didn;t end with lots and lots of sexy cheerleaders. *frowny face*
Plus it may drive up the value of his Rookie Card
Well that didn’t work.
A small aside where he saves a bunch of people at a game, possibly suffering the career-ending injury in the process, and then gets spun off into his own hilariously terrible movie later on almost makes too much sense. I hope they enjoyed the Super Bowl tickets.
Come on everyone, do you all REALLY think Hollywood would ever do something that was positive in both ethics and logic?