Worst: John Laurinaitis Doesn’t Care What’s On WWE.com
Me either, Johnny, me either.
So let me get this straight … John Laurinaitis is in charge of both televised wrestling programs AND he’s in charge of the talent available to be used on those shows, but he doesn’t know Vince McMahon is going to be on next week’s Raw until David Otunga shows up with an iPad to tell him what’s on Dot Com? Does the WWE.com article mention that while Vince is still the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, Triple H and the Board Of Directors relived him of his day-to-day duties as COO, which means (or should means) that Vince shouldn’t be able to show up and handle day-to-day operations, such as giving performance evaluations? That should be Triple H’s job. But John Laurinaitis power-played Triple H out of the picture enough to end up running both shows (after Triple H gave him a job evaluation, right? Or was it the other way around? How many job evaluations from how many different people do you have to have per year?), so …
I don’t know. As far as I can tell now, the hierarchy goes
1. What These People Want
2. Board Of Directors
3a. John Laurinaitis As VP of Talent Relations and GM of Raw and Smackdown
3b. Triple H As C.O.O.
3c. Wrestlers Making Impromptu Matches
Both 4. and 2b. Vince McMahon As C.E.O.
5. Eve Torres, Head Of The Knockouts Division
So who knows? They should’ve filmed a follow-up segment where Otunga approaches Laurinaitis backstage, Laurinaitis tells him he’s busy, and Otunga’s all, “Have you seen WWE.com? They ranked Layla above Big Show on the Power 25. Isn’t he supposed to be main-eventing your pay-per-view?” And then he shakes his head derisively, and they stare off into the distance for way too long until somebody says “cut”.
Worst: They Have A 3-Hour Raw Next Week And All They’ve Announced Is A Performance Evaluation
I seriously might have to give up this column when Raw goes to three hours in July. Or I’ll just cover the first hour, and the last five pages will be the Best And Worst Of Whatever Episode Of Adventure Time Is On. Not sure I’m mentally prepared to write about the same 20-minute sneak peek of Common Law I’m gonna have to recap every week.
But yeah, next week is a three-hour show, the go-home Raw before No Way Out and one of the big Raws leading up to the milestone 1000th episode and the ONLY THING ANNOUNCED is Vince McMahon showing up to have a business meeting. I’m not asking for the Attitude Era to come back or anything, but can somebody PLEASE put everything in a dumpster and shove it off the stage?
Best: Remember Sin Cara? He’s Back, In Pog Form!
Sin Cara is back, and he’s taken some important steps toward erasing his legacy as the guy who f**ks up a lot on his way to rightful lucha glory:
1. He got rid of the “jump the top rope” entrance, reducing his chance to botch it by 100%.
2. He’s taking it easy in comeback matches against Hunico, who should really probably try leaving Sin Cara alone forever now.
3. He’s integrating simpler lucha moves into his WWE moveset – for example, it’s a hell of a lot easier to springboard at somebody than it is to stand up safely on the top rope with your head in their armpit and backflip without either of you getting hurt or slipping off and killing yourself.
Steps 4 and 5 are
4. Get rid of the stupid moodlighting, because Jesus, seriously
5. Immediately get into a feud with Alberto Del Rio, then only wrestle guys who have seen more lucha libre than Chavo Guerrero cruiserweight title matches.
Sin Cara should be a big deal, and I’m never going to shake that image of being at WWE Axxess during this year’s WrestleMania and seeing 50 people in line to meet Tony Atlas, then looking across the room at 4 f**king people waiting to meet shoot lucha legend Mistico. My brain doesn’t want to process that, and of all the people who need good will right now, Sin Cara is the one for whom I wish the best.
Best Camacho Exists Solely To Be Knocked From Ring Aprons
Michael McGillicutty’s dad is Mr. Perfect, one of the most beloved in-ring performers in modern wrestling history. McGillicutty doesn’t get to be Junior Perfect or Joe Hennig, but he’s come around, and he’s having good matches on NXT. If you extend that scale in both directions, you have Camacho. Camacho’s dad is MENG, aka Haku, aka King Haku, aka one of the very coolest and toughest people to ever walk the pro wrestling planet. Camacho doesn’t get to be Haku Jr., he gets to be Hunico’s boyfriend (this isn’t canon, but they aren’t giving me a lot to work with) on a bicycle and the only thing he gets to do is climb up on the ring apron and be immediately knocked from it. He got to lose to Ryback once.
What weird world do we live in where Cowboy Bob Orton’s son is supposed to be the ace of your promotion, but Mr. Perfect’s son and Meng’s son are chumps? This shouldn’t be happening. If Raquel Diaz and Richie Steamboat end up slumming it in a company where f**king Carlito won four f**king championships I’m calling shenanigans on the entire operation.
Worst: La Mistica Is Not An Impact Finisher, n00bs
I know saying “Mexican guys in masks doing submission holds” to Vince McMahon is probably like saying “here’s what I know about organic chemistry” to a basset hound (I’m convinced they took off Alberto Del Rio’s mask so he could do an armbar), but the move where Sin Cara spins around you and slams you to the ground in a Fujiwara armbar is, funny enough, supposed to end with you in a Fujiwara armbar. It doesn’t make any sense that he lands like that, then has to release a submission hold immediately to roll you over and hook your legs. If you’re gonna leave off the last half of the move, at least get him to spin around on the ground and Quackenbush you over, don’t make it a “David Otunga doesn’t know where he is in relation to the ropes” situation.
Imagine if AJ Styles hit the Styles Clash, then unhooked his legs from under your arms, rolled you over slowly and tried to laterally press you. Doesn’t really work when he could just turn slightly and have your shoulders on the mat, right? Let Sin Cara rip out Hunico’s arm. He’s barely using it anyway. Dueling armbar finishes make your upcoming Sin Cara/Alberto Del Rio feud even better. Wrestling is great and writes itself 90% of the time, don’t rip out the pages and lob them into the garbage when you’re almost finished filling up the notebook.
Worst: Triple H’s Favorite Raw Memory Is People Loving Triple H