Worst: John Laurinaitis Doesn’t Care What’s On WWE.com
Me either, Johnny, me either.
So let me get this straight … John Laurinaitis is in charge of both televised wrestling programs AND he’s in charge of the talent available to be used on those shows, but he doesn’t know Vince McMahon is going to be on next week’s Raw until David Otunga shows up with an iPad to tell him what’s on Dot Com? Does the WWE.com article mention that while Vince is still the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, Triple H and the Board Of Directors relived him of his day-to-day duties as COO, which means (or should means) that Vince shouldn’t be able to show up and handle day-to-day operations, such as giving performance evaluations? That should be Triple H’s job. But John Laurinaitis power-played Triple H out of the picture enough to end up running both shows (after Triple H gave him a job evaluation, right? Or was it the other way around? How many job evaluations from how many different people do you have to have per year?), so …
I don’t know. As far as I can tell now, the hierarchy goes
1. What These People Want
2. Board Of Directors
3a. John Laurinaitis As VP of Talent Relations and GM of Raw and Smackdown
3b. Triple H As C.O.O.
3c. Wrestlers Making Impromptu Matches
Both 4. and 2b. Vince McMahon As C.E.O.
5. Eve Torres, Head Of The Knockouts Division
6. ???
7. Stockholders
So who knows? They should’ve filmed a follow-up segment where Otunga approaches Laurinaitis backstage, Laurinaitis tells him he’s busy, and Otunga’s all, “Have you seen WWE.com? They ranked Layla above Big Show on the Power 25. Isn’t he supposed to be main-eventing your pay-per-view?” And then he shakes his head derisively, and they stare off into the distance for way too long until somebody says “cut”.
Worst: They Have A 3-Hour Raw Next Week And All They’ve Announced Is A Performance Evaluation
I seriously might have to give up this column when Raw goes to three hours in July. Or I’ll just cover the first hour, and the last five pages will be the Best And Worst Of Whatever Episode Of Adventure Time Is On. Not sure I’m mentally prepared to write about the same 20-minute sneak peek of Common Law I’m gonna have to recap every week.
But yeah, next week is a three-hour show, the go-home Raw before No Way Out and one of the big Raws leading up to the milestone 1000th episode and the ONLY THING ANNOUNCED is Vince McMahon showing up to have a business meeting. I’m not asking for the Attitude Era to come back or anything, but can somebody PLEASE put everything in a dumpster and shove it off the stage?
Best: Remember Sin Cara? He’s Back, In Pog Form!
Sin Cara is back, and he’s taken some important steps toward erasing his legacy as the guy who f**ks up a lot on his way to rightful lucha glory:
1. He got rid of the “jump the top rope” entrance, reducing his chance to botch it by 100%.
2. He’s taking it easy in comeback matches against Hunico, who should really probably try leaving Sin Cara alone forever now.
3. He’s integrating simpler lucha moves into his WWE moveset – for example, it’s a hell of a lot easier to springboard at somebody than it is to stand up safely on the top rope with your head in their armpit and backflip without either of you getting hurt or slipping off and killing yourself.
Steps 4 and 5 are
4. Get rid of the stupid moodlighting, because Jesus, seriously
5. Immediately get into a feud with Alberto Del Rio, then only wrestle guys who have seen more lucha libre than Chavo Guerrero cruiserweight title matches.
Sin Cara should be a big deal, and I’m never going to shake that image of being at WWE Axxess during this year’s WrestleMania and seeing 50 people in line to meet Tony Atlas, then looking across the room at 4 f**king people waiting to meet shoot lucha legend Mistico. My brain doesn’t want to process that, and of all the people who need good will right now, Sin Cara is the one for whom I wish the best.
Best Camacho Exists Solely To Be Knocked From Ring Aprons
LOL Camacho
Michael McGillicutty’s dad is Mr. Perfect, one of the most beloved in-ring performers in modern wrestling history. McGillicutty doesn’t get to be Junior Perfect or Joe Hennig, but he’s come around, and he’s having good matches on NXT. If you extend that scale in both directions, you have Camacho. Camacho’s dad is MENG, aka Haku, aka King Haku, aka one of the very coolest and toughest people to ever walk the pro wrestling planet. Camacho doesn’t get to be Haku Jr., he gets to be Hunico’s boyfriend (this isn’t canon, but they aren’t giving me a lot to work with) on a bicycle and the only thing he gets to do is climb up on the ring apron and be immediately knocked from it. He got to lose to Ryback once.
What weird world do we live in where Cowboy Bob Orton’s son is supposed to be the ace of your promotion, but Mr. Perfect’s son and Meng’s son are chumps? This shouldn’t be happening. If Raquel Diaz and Richie Steamboat end up slumming it in a company where f**king Carlito won four f**king championships I’m calling shenanigans on the entire operation.
Worst: La Mistica Is Not An Impact Finisher, n00bs
I know saying “Mexican guys in masks doing submission holds” to Vince McMahon is probably like saying “here’s what I know about organic chemistry” to a basset hound (I’m convinced they took off Alberto Del Rio’s mask so he could do an armbar), but the move where Sin Cara spins around you and slams you to the ground in a Fujiwara armbar is, funny enough, supposed to end with you in a Fujiwara armbar. It doesn’t make any sense that he lands like that, then has to release a submission hold immediately to roll you over and hook your legs. If you’re gonna leave off the last half of the move, at least get him to spin around on the ground and Quackenbush you over, don’t make it a “David Otunga doesn’t know where he is in relation to the ropes” situation.
Imagine if AJ Styles hit the Styles Clash, then unhooked his legs from under your arms, rolled you over slowly and tried to laterally press you. Doesn’t really work when he could just turn slightly and have your shoulders on the mat, right? Let Sin Cara rip out Hunico’s arm. He’s barely using it anyway. Dueling armbar finishes make your upcoming Sin Cara/Alberto Del Rio feud even better. Wrestling is great and writes itself 90% of the time, don’t rip out the pages and lob them into the garbage when you’re almost finished filling up the notebook.
Worst: Triple H’s Favorite Raw Memory Is People Loving Triple H
f**k you
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Supporting the troops two weeks in a row? I had no idea you were so patriotic, Brandon.
there’s probably a better way you could’ve informed me
Ctrl C + Ctrl V
:D
Second is greater than first!
+1
2nd
The comments monster ate 90% of my comment.
Lets try this again.
2nd is greater than 1st? Idunno…sounds kinda iffy…
ROCKSTAR COCONUT WATER ENERGIES DRANK PROudly bring to you. . . . (!?)
I’m sad that I missed the Discussion Thread, pre-game extravaganza and all!
I even missed what I hear was an amazing Sin Cara vs. Hunico (w/LOL Camacho!) match, I hear that Sin Cara guy is pretty awesome, wonder who he really is…
I heard that Sin Cara is La Parka’s cousin.
Pfft! I WISH!…I mean…Sin Cara wishes! I mean…¿Que?
We were worried about you sir. I thought you had failed a wellness test and Brandon suspended you.
Nah! I’m clean, unless well you know, (enter Energy Drink joke here).
Actually I was at the doctor’s with my wife, turns out…MY BUN’S IN HER OVEN!!!
That’s how you announce pregnancies, right? *Shoots Confetti Cannons*
hooray!
Congratulations!!!! I tip my ENERGIES DRANK to you.
Thanks Lobster, who upon review of pic, is not a Lobster.
Thanks Knox, doctor said it looks like a peanut. Lady in lobby said it looks like a bean, is raycess!
So you are naming the kid Stansky, right?
Sorry I’m late to the party but YAY AND CONGRATS!!!! Babies are awesome but being 9 months pregnant, I’m slightly biased. :-D
Just stay away from racist toads that demand instant fluency of your babies!
Congrats, Alopezb5!
You’ll soon have a valid excuse to watch cartoons and pro graps!
-Stan Stansky would have been an awesome name…too bad my last name is Lopez, stupid last name.
-Thank you Steph, 9 months already? That’s exciting, make sure to post pics of With Leather baby when she’s here for all With Leather Uncles & Aunts to see :)
-Racist Toad won’t have to worry about us, me & wifey mostly speak English. Although, I’m still going to have to teach them Spanish so they can speak to their Grandparents.
-Lester, you are a genius, as always!
Racist toad wants any baby to speak the dominant language within two weeks of birth, doesn’t matter what country. Only the Swedish kids, with their made-up moon language escape his ire.
Will Mini-Lopez be represented by Business Cat icon? Congrats to both of you… now… did you make sure it’s not really a hand?
-”goo-goo-ga-gaa” is part of the dominant language right?
-Don’t know if Mini-Lopez will be opening an account here any time soon, BookSavvy, but if he/she did, I would hope they would continue to represent Business Cat. And yes, it’s definitely NOT A HAND! Did Mark Henry & May Young ever get an ultra-sound? They should have been able to see an ADULT HUMAN HAND in there…
Again, only in Sweden. Damn toad wants coherent, fluent, sentences out of week-old babies whether it be in English, Japanese, Basque, Klingon, or Quenya.
Fatherhood is gonna be tougher than I thought :/
We have visual on Lobster Mobster. Huzzah! Next up, autographed 8×10 of M4G3RK.
If you want I can send you some of my hair.
Platelets and bone marrow are also acceptable.
Used panties or gtfo.
That was an elaborate mannekin I have constructed using chicken wire and papier-mache.
Stop by my booth at WithLeatherFest 2012. $40 for a autograph and $30 for a picture with me. (I charge Ernie Hudson prices.) Come to my panel where I talk about how I did landscaping at Hulk Hogan’s house 11 years ago and how fun it is to go to ACW with Brandon.
There’s a WithLeatherFest?!?! I need to get booth ready!!!
(Picture taking of TheDandy sitting by himself at his own booth commence)
Every single response in this thread put me in a bliss coma.
At least it was Reks & Hawkins jobbing to Jumpy Jimmy Boom Boom instead of THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS BABY! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
that would have caused me to set something on fire.
Vickie DID look good last night, fuck the haters. Seriously. I’d hit that. Twice.
co-sign
Agreed.
She did. Had a big-boobed anime look I thought.
and a pretty nice donk.
I’d need to take Viagra to get a priapism so I could tap that for four hours (because after the first 30 seconds, man, without it the sex would go downhill quick)
In honor of John Cena:
[www.youtube.com]
Ryback’s armbands always throw me off. At first, I always think they’re Nexus bands…. then I think they’re some kind of memorial thing… which gets me to thinking…
Ryback should start wearing memorial armbands for the guy he’s about the wrestle. A little dark, sure, but it would be awesome…
If ever there was something WWE should steal from the internet this is it.
He should take trophies of his vanquished foes. Grab a boot and end up with a huge necklace of shoes in a few weeks.
I’m not sure that Ryback’s current incarnation is deep enough to do memorial armbands.
He’s more like a remorseless squashing machine and, until that changes, he shouldn’t worry about anything complicated like changing armbands.
Taking trophies of vanquished foes, though, is a stellar idea.
that is a fantastic idea
STANSKY OR WE RIOT!
Vickie’s hot all the time, dogg.
I was laughing my ass off since the first page “YEAHHH”. 2 > 1
Next week, the 135lb. Frank Grimes-esque jobber will get on the mic and say, “This is my last chance at making it as a pro wrestler. I desperately need this job to pay for my daughter’s operation, and they’re only paying me in food vouchers tonight. If I lose, my dream will die and my future is forever uncertain.”
Enter Ryback. Squash. 1-2-3. Crowd goes wild, and Lawler has a muscle buster-induced orgasm.
poor grimey
You are close. Cena should beat on him for bullying his way onto a mic.
The small Best in the hot mess that was Cena/Cole is that someone in wardrobe was kind enough to stitch up the flap in Cole’s shorts so he didn’t have a Janet Jackson moment. That person deserves a raise for sparing us from that possibility.
Anybody have a icepick? I need a mental image removed, pronto!
You know, it had not crossed my mind that something like that could have happened until you mentioned it.
Why, oh why, did you have to mention it?
Brandon, thanks for talking me down from the ledge with the AJ thing. After the smile and interview, my impulse reaction was “For the love of… they’re Eve-ing her!” Now I’m back into the wait and see mode, hoping that she’s still lovably unbalanced but cute.
My first reaction was pretty similar.
My first reaction was “yeesh,must be that time of the month”. MIRITEGUYS???
My first reaction was AJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my second was “she’s so pretty!” and then I think I just stared at the screen and dreamily sighed.
Does that make me a sociopath?
No, Lester, that makes you human.
I’m on a wait-and-see mode for AJ as well, though I’m not terribly optimistic about how this will play out.
Has the WWE ever let you down before?
Is there a name for “angled tv monitor watching”? It happened a lot with Ryback matches, so maybe “Rybacking”?
No, Rybacking is a verb meaning “to destroy without effort”. As in, I totally Rybacked Derrick Bateman at Scramble With Friends.
MAKES SENSE!
Do you totally Ryback Bateman on Draw Something too?
I Stansky’d my game of Mass Effect 3 when I went down to a Guardian.
Question: If Ryback ever took on three guys would they be Spike Dudley small?
At least one would have to be a dwarf.
Peter Dinklage does not approve.
Has Michael Cole just become the new JR…where management just wants to humiliate him on TV for no real reason other than they can?
Didn’t Heidenreich Murder/Rape him once?
JR even commented on it today saying he felt sorry for Cole and he knows that feel bro.
Another great recap Brandon. I hope you’re joking when you said that you might stop writing this column. I’ll file a change.org petition against you if you do, :-( ,
I kinda want to stop writing now just so you’ll do that.
or at least a twitition.
Just out of curiosity, Brandon – what response to “favorite RAW moment” would have given you an ounce of respect for Ayches? Mine would have been “that time Cactus Jack piledrove me through a table”.
The time Terry Funk wore panythose on his head and swung a chainsaw at the New Age Outlaws.
Something not involving Triple H, probably.
How about when Jericho beat him for the title on Raw? The crowd ERUPTED when Jericho won. It was reversed either the same night or the next day, but still. He helped to make Jericho be seen as a viable contender by the WWE audience that night.
One of the nights when Triple H was out with a quad injury?
speaking of,I happened to watch the Katie Vick scene earlier yesterday. Apparently there waqs an actual funeral going on the next room over while they were filing that
Against most of your advice, I saw the HHH/Katie Vick scene…am traumatized.
They did that in a funeral home? They filmed a man acting out necrophilia with a corpse in a coffin while a real funeral was occuring in the next room?
Suddenly the John Cena thing doesn’t seem so bad in perspective.
If you want to do a Best And Worst Of Whatever Episode Of Adventure Time Is On, I’ll make that journey with you B-Stro. +TreeTrunks
Best: Marceline The Vampire Queen
Worst: when the amazing world of fucking gumball follows adventure time or regular show
this is one of my favorite parts of the best/worst and also with spandex, all these cartoons i’ve never heard of (well, i guess some i’ve heard of, just never watched). does this make us un-best friends? or just a dumb jerk that should watch more cartoons?
I’ve heard good things about Regular Show but, never really watched it. I saw most of an episode the other day where a cassette tape of a summer jam from their youth was trying to kill them. It was amusing.
I’ve been in love with Adventure Time since I first saw previews for it, and by sheer force of continuously watching it with her around, I’ve managed to make my 12-year-old daughter realize just how special a show it really is. Regular Show, from the previews, looked dumb, but I’m extremely glad that I gave it a chance, as it is, ABSOLUTELY, the perfect complement to Adventure Time.
I like to think when Ryback destroys one jobber, it should be so devestating that they break into 2 smaller jobbers. So next match, Ryback should wrestle 4 smaller dudes, then 8 Hornswaggles the following match.
Eventually, there’ll have to be a Ryback match based around “how many five year olds could you take in a fight”.
I’m surprised you didn’t mention how Tensai returned to help Cole, but then was no where to be found when Cena kicked out. Wouldn’t anybody else stay in the ring to make sure Cena was put away? Why didn’t he drink some bbq sauce and spit it in Cena’s eye?
I have interfered in this match, as intended. Now I shall beat a hasty retreat!
Woop-woop-woop!
Listening to Wear the Cheese! Pokémon Podcast…AH-MAY-ZING!
If RAW, nay, WHEN RAW sucks next week, can we have a Best & Worst of Pokémon instead?
I have yet to read the best and worst. I just wanted to say OMG AJ last night. I would hit that like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of our coitus would echo through these corridors like the gusts of a thousand winds!
Worst: AJ acting like a malfunctioning fem-bot.
Even Worst: Ziggler Jobbing and Cena acting like the biggeest heel on the program.
The worst of worst: Raw was so bad that I can’t seem to recall much of any of it.
You might have have a typo there, Thatsamare. I think the last one should be a best.
So stupid and funny I had to post it here
From: Chad Heath@chadheath11
“Clearly Vince McMahon has had enough of @WWEDanielBryan & @CMPunk murdering the ratings. Project Skinny Dwarves has failed miserably. #RAWWW”
opps maybe i shouldn’t have posted the name, but that was a retweet from one of the guys mentioned.
If I was a frog I’d have my own lily pad and I’d sit on it all day long… rribbitt rrrribbbit.
Would you have a banjo as well?
I’d reluctantly help my dad rape and murder two 17 year old girls and then unknowingly enter the home of one of their parents in need of shelter. It ain’t easy bein’ green sometimes.
♪The lovers the dreamers and mavanco♪
Did you use autotune on that song?
Autotune? But the kid’s got golden pipes, I tells ya!
Whats that wierd feeling you get when you find out something you were looking forward to wasnt worth watching? Like a concert that you found out sucked?
One of you creative geniuses out there find a wrestler to compare these feelings too.
Sounds like ECW after the move to TNN (or Spike TV, whatever it was by then). Or WCW after… well I forget when WCW got really bad. Probably when Russo got there?
These aren’t clever, I know, but they came to mind.
Taken from Brandon’s old “Vintage Promos” column for AOL Fanhouse. The Mulkey Brothers, King Jobbers of the NWA take on the super-dangerous Gladiators, the West Coast tag team champions might fit.
That video is the best wrestling video in the history of wrestling. I’m going to make so many gifs of that shit.
RANDY! BILL! YBEATUM! YBEATUM!
Congrats on the mid-90′s X-Factor reference. +Rahne
Raw could use a therapy session episode
/getting really obscure now
Doc Sampson could diagnose Cena as a sociopath and then beat him up.
This could equally be a 2012 X-Factor Reference.
I’m not sure if Madrox or Strong Guy are complaints, either :(
I had the Strong Guy action figure when I was a kid. Much like the character, it didn’t do anything.
AJ bein crazy and just trying to screw anyone is gonna be my favorite part of the show. I cant wait for AJ to smile at Vince and have him run away crying and be like “Alright Johnny,You can stay just keep this psycho away from me!”
That Big Johnny spin on the hoveround reminds me so much of Paul Rudd’s Pole spin in Wet Hot American Summer. I need to see a side by side. Lobster? Last Texas? Stinger?
unless it’s something found by searching, i’m no help. THESTINGER is probably your best bet for something that needs to be created.
[warmingglow.uproxx.com]
^This Gif^
i can just put the two near each other, they won’t be contained in the same file or whatevers.
darn warming glow being tricksy!
here is laurinaitis
^The Greatest^
Wet Hot American Summer might be my most favorite movie ever. Thank you for uniting my most favorite movie ever and my most favorite moment from last night’s Raw.
If Little Jimmy is related to Layla Miller, R-Truth wins forever.
It would be awesome if Punk did another shoot promo, and called out all of the bullshit, and demanded that he be main eventing every show because he is the WWE Champion. It would immediately get people back on his side, and it would right a very obvious wrong in the way faces are acting and being promotoed as of late. But then HHH would probably come out and talk too long about how awesome he is and how he runs THIS BUSINESS, followed by Cena calling them both losers, followed by The Rock doing absolutely nothing because he is working very hard at regaining the Championship. The show would then conclude with a Be A Star segment and Michael Cole killing himself.
With that aside, I think a Ziggler vs Miz fued would be awesome. Two superstars who feel they are undervalued, wrestling to keep their job. Compelling?
It would be more awesome if John Cena did the shoot promo, calling out all the bullshit that the WWE has been forcing him to do. He can maintain his popularity with the kids and girls and turn the older fan’s back to his side. Now that he’s won back the crowd, he can ride his popularity well into the decade.
That is a very good point. Then they could continue to main event him, but it would actually make sense.
Yep, that’s what a good anti-hero should do: keep true to a code of ethics and morality and call others out on it even when it seems like the bad guy thing to do. Instead all of the characters in the WWE are just whores who want to sell merch.
Speaking of Punk, and calling out bullshit, about an hour ago, Punk tweeted:
“You a wrestling fan or a ratings fan? I’ll take cross over seg telling a good story over covering a non-wrestler with condiments any day.”
That is the true Punk, I love. If he ditched the weiner jokes he is forced to say because he is a face now, and grabbed a mic and said that on tv, I think everyone would be happy.
If I die before Punk does and God willing I make it to Heaven, I’m going to make it my Afterlife’s goal to convince Him to give CM Punk a break on the whole “atheist” thing.
The last time I was with Rosenberg he sent his Ryback because the corned beef wasn’t lean enough.
+Rhodes
I really do love Ryberg. I mean Goldback. I’m wishing for good things for him.
Just so long as the Mountie doesn’t come back, I can’t imagine he’ll ever be defeated.
Just once i would like to see the audio guys accidently play goldbergs music for him.
calling Ryback Goldberg is like chanting “Albert” at Lord Tensai
short version: don’t do it
Its easy enough to chant ryback, but it wont happen until he show the audience something uniquely himself. He needs to show a little more personality.
As someone who never really got into Goldberg, I find myself enjoying Ryback. I think the chants are somewhat of a compliment, but could see how others disagree.
If WWE is going to create a character who is bald, insanely muscled, destroys people, and even yells things at the camera (“Feed Me More” vs. “Who’s next?”), people are gonna make comparisions.
He’s lucky they didn’t put him in plain black tights, to play up the same-ness even more. (I never thought I’d say Ryback is *lucky* to be wearing RVD’s old gear, but there it is.)
If he would develop a little more personality he would character-wise be better than goldberg. That is the problem building an undefeated character with no storyline or other gimmick building outlet, people have to try to figure you out in there own way.
If Ryback would throw someone into the crowd a la Bam Bam Bigalow and Spike Dudley, then I’d like him. Until then, I’ll be looking (and rooting) for Scott Hall to come to the ring with a cattle prod.
Overall it is not the worst thing in the world to be compared to Mr. Bill G. He was one of WCWs biggest NON-WWF stars. I could see why people don’t like goldberg and would if they thought were similarities hate Ryback, but its not terrible to be compared to a big draw in the industries past.
I enjoy the Goldberg chants. :/
Personally I prefer chanting “ROOOOOOOOSENBEEEEERRRRRRRG”. Also, has anyone else noticed the Prometheus poster on the back of Ryback’s singlet?
Seth Mates (former Creative team member – @SethMates) started the hashtag #nextwrestlingtrend a couple hours ago. Surely the brilliant minds here can come up with some funny stuff?
#nextwrestlingtrend – treat the women onscreen like actual fucking human beings, you horrible cretins
How would one type in italics here? I believe that would help me better convey sarcasm on this site.
I’d like to see Ryback wrestle the Scrawnies next week, and throw at least one of them into geosynchronous orbit around the Earth.
Som you want to wear Vickie’s “shaul?” I see what you did there.
Bah. So not som.
“One of my biggest complaints about Kofi Kingston (if Kofi Kingston gripes were members of X-Factor from when I was reading X-Factor, this one would be Strong Guy)”
So do you read X-Factor now? Because it’s pretty great. Strong Guy doesn’t have a soul.
I don’t read it now, but I read it in the 90s. The Havok/Polaris team.
Good news then, because they’re back on the team. It’s like 90′s all over again, only there is slightly less spandex and nobody is wearing moon shoes.
Also Shatterstar and Longshot are on the team and they are TIGHT.
I will never believe anything positive about Shatterstar
I Can’t be the only one who actually legit liked Goldberg can I?
I loved the shit out of Goldberg up until the Kevin Nash Starrcade match.
Did you like him in WWE in 2003?
I got back into wrestling around the time Goldberg was on his streak. He was US Champ, and it was actually fun watching him destroy people. By that time everyone had accepted rasslin as fake, but I remember feeling tension when he faced people who could possibly beat him. His match vs DDP was great (or I thought so when the home viewing audience got to see it), face vs face done well.
But yeah, after the Kevin Nash thing…if you didn’t see it play out in real time, his star power was just, just DEAD. Full stop. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t a clean finish, the party was over. I remember being excited for his revenge vs Scott Hall match, which I liked, and then I stopped watching WCW at some point after that. The NWO was boring as crap after the Wolfpack (whose popularity is MASSIVELY understated, seriously they were huge) re-integrated, Raven’s Flock was gone, seemed like everyone was a heel or the faces could never get a win…it was just a big pile of crap.
If I could sum up Goldberg’s WCW career I’d say: One day you’re the most important person in the world, and the next you’re some schmo working in a box factory.
I’m still legit pissed that DDP didn’t beat Goldberg at Halloween Havoc. I was so fucking pumped for that match.
After he hit the Diamond Cutter I was screaming COVER HIM! COVER HIIIIIIIMMMM WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!??!
So, let me get this straight: The main reason you dislike Kofi Kingston is because the writers call for him to lose matches after having a bunch of momentum and setting up his finisher? That doesn’t really sound like his fault to me. That sounds more like another issue with the creative team of the WWE.
I try not to ever base my opinions on what the writers do or don’t do. I have no idea what the writers do. I dislike Kofi because all he does is jump and miss kicks, and his pecs look like tennis balls and he’s an African guy with a Jamaicanish gimmick.
also people who start sentences with “so let me get this straight” are almost never opening up the floor to debate
You’re supposed to say, “HOLE ON A MINNIT PLAYA…”
Or “GREAT OPINION, BRANDON, AN IMMA LET YA FINNISH, BUT…”
I didn’t even realize I had used the same phrase you did to open page 3, so my bad. I wrote that comment after reading the ripping of Kofi. I am perfectly capable of understanding your opinion. Mine is just that I actually like watching his matches, and as an added bonus, I am never “treated” to him talking for 20 minutes without wrestling. And I am a sucker for watching what I think are exciting matches that keep my interest, which I think he does. Anyway, keep up the good work, this is the only wrestling recap I read.
I think Kofi has a lot of value (so I agree with HAMMER1649, seriously bro screen names should be in all caps) but I also agree with BRANDON that Kofi needs to do something new. I liked his thing, but it’d old now. Do something new.
Thanks THESTINGER, and I will take your advice on my screenname into consideration. Which means, if I’m not too lazy to change it, I will.
Please don’t quit Best and Worst Brandon when we get Raw from 9-10 and WWE Universe HR hour from 8-9.
Thanks for keeping me watching and reading!
John Cena is a ruiner.
Lobster Mobster’s a chick? Holy shit. And after all those drunken posts after UFC. I thinkw e need a Lobster Mobster badge of awesomeness.
baaaaarf!
(also thanks)
I thought you were a dude swearing liek a sailor whilst scratching thine balls. I obviously stand corrected.
i really only drink on friday/saturday (and even then, not every week), usually only if i’m watching some form of people punching each other. i do curse probably too much, though.
MIND.BLOWN!!!
Not mine… I knew she was one of us ;)
Great column as usual Brandon! I’m gonna actually be at Raw next week, so thank you for giving me something to laugh about going into it. Idk how great my seats are, but I’ll be there with a With Leather sign for which to hold in front of the creepy Sheamus kids. 3 Hours… oh boy.
I’m thinking about going next week or to the PPV? Is it worth it if I’m only interested in seeing Bryan/Punk/Rhodes/Asscape and Co/Del Rio/TravelMug/Johnny?
I am going next week for all those same reasons. Take that for what it’s worth lol
Funny, I listen to the With Spandex podcast the same way Lobster reads Best/Worst: by hanging my ipod (yes, I still have an ipod) on the wall, and staring intently at it while my arms are crossed. Don’t be surprised if I fly to Austin and interfere with your next podcast recording, and hit you with my finisher, the Shaba-plex.
You better make a run-in, Joey Joe Joe Junior!
Also, you can take solace in the fact that I never owned an ipod, so I think that makes you cooler than me.
Well, I’ve never had a flat screen as big as yours, so perhaps we’re even.
Pictures or it didn’t happen ;)
i’m only eight inches tall, though.
I think you might’ve missed out on a tiny “Best” within a “Best”, Brandon – when AJ got all crazy eyes and smiled at Kane, he stopped, stared for a second, and the look on his face was just “F*** this, I don’t need another crazy chick in my life – I’m out.”
Perhaps he borrowed some self-aware-ness from former tag team partner Big Show while thinking back to Tori (and any other woman who’s ever been involved in an angle with Kane).
Oh God, Tori. Was she hot? I feel like yes, in an incredibly generic, non-memorable way.
Tori was “90′s skank hot,” in that you wouldn’t kick her out of bed but there’s no way in hell you’re taking her out on the town. Like pretty much every WWE diva from that time period.
I loved Lord Tensai’s gimmick, as well. The Shredder-esque mask, the evil robe, the crazy arm pads, the face tattoo… it’s like a classic, evil 80s wrestler. It’s a blast from the past but with a modern spin (perhaps by default since it’s Prince Albert). But! If they’re willing to forgo all of that, including the “Lord” part of the name, just because they’re willing to coddle and entice those who already ignorantly question the character based on “He ain’t Japanese, even!”† or “That’s just Albert, wut a joke!!”*, then the WWE doesn’t deserve such an awesome character.
† The WWE has never claimed he was Japanese, but that he went to Japan and was influenced so profoundly that he became a different person, but he’s still very much AN AMERICAN.
* Many wrestlers have had ridiculous gimmicks in the past before they hit their stride or attempted to. If we’re going to demean and refuse to take someone seriously based on that, then we might as well throw the whole “pro wrestling” thing out the window with it.
Fuck y’all.
Yep. His gimmick isn’t any worse than Undertaker’s but could you imagine if Undertaker debuted with his gimmick now? People would just be chanting “MEAN MARK CALLO—–WAAAAAAY!”
the real cool kids would chant “HUTCH!” or maybe “INTERGALACTIC SPACE BADGUY FROM SUBURBAN COMMANDO!”
A-Train smarkiness aside, Tensai’s problem was that his gimmick was done before. He was called the Sultan. And before that, he was called Hakushi
I agree. Since everyone (apparently) remembered who Albert was, it really seems like it would have been a better idea– in restrospect, of course– to just keep calling the guy Albert, and put over how much better he became in Japan. Instead, we’re supposed to go along with the idea of the guy becoming so immersed in Japanese culture that he forgot how to speak English. Also, he changed his name and became a lord. Wrestling fans might swallow a lot, but there’s no need to make our suspension of disbelief that envolved.
Yeah but I like that he changed his name and became a “lord.” It’s so ridiculous and self-aggrandizing that it’s patently awesome. Maybe I’m alone in that sentiment (or joined by few people), and I’m willing to accept that, but I love the strange, gritty, comic book-esque world of professional wrestling. And that definitely includes characters like Lord Tensai who appear after a long hiatus as something completely different.
I also don’t think it’s a problem that he’s tried a similar gimmick before, because so much is often recycled or “re-appropriated” that it makes no difference to what’s happening now (especially if you consider the notoriously short-term memory problems many wrestling fans seem to suffer from).
And he spoke both Japanese and English; he never pretended to forget his native tongue.
I think the way to save his character, now, is for him to come out and berate the crowd as angrily and as belligerently as possible. He should address that yes, he was Prince Albert, but he’s changed and this is who he is, now. He’s not here to reminisce or play the Chikara-style game of kitsch. If he could angrily (and I mean seriously angrily) reprimand the crowd for giving him shit, all the while promising even more brutality (and actually dishing it out), he may have a chance. I dunno, that’s merely speculation, but I think they should at least attempt something.
And Sakamoto is the MAN. He’s like an evil Bruce Lee; so comfortable and engrossed in his villainousness that it’s almost centered, honorable and noble. If they give up on Lord Tensai, then they should just push Sakamoto to the moon. His vicious and quick attacks on Cena are pure gold.
That JR’s BBQ Sauce is a helluva bronzer.
Thanks for recognizing me again in the Top 10. I can’t make it to the live thread every week, but when I do Raw is always (+Rhodes)x better to watch*. Thank you Brandon for providing the forum, and thank you everybody for making it so much fun to (mostly) hate-watch wrestling.
* In math, (+Rhodes)x > ∞
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Your wishes have been granted:
[www.wwe.com]
Why does Big Johnny look like a White Walker in that pic?
Hello “you people”!
Your wishes have been granted:
Big Johnny WWE’13 cover is downloadable from wwe.com
Had to reply just to show it off. This is also my new driver’s license/passport photo. Success!
After reading the things about Tensai’s dirt sheet rumors I just realized.
I have no idea where to even find modern day dirt sheets. It’s been so long since I read them.
Unrelated to RAW, but related to WWE in general:
One of the bigger continuity gripes I have is when guys who define themselves professionally by their championships (particularly Triple H and John Cena) all of a sudden forget that they’ve established this fact. Triple H went from cutting promos where he swore that the WWE title was the only thing that mattered to him to “this businesssss”. John Cena doesn’t seem to give a squirrel fart who has the title, and is certainly not actively gunning for CM Punk. Main eventers seeming not to care about main event titles is yet another way the titles become devalued. It also makes it seem like the guys who have devoted themselves to being champions… just don’t care that much about it anymore.
Yeah, it’s weird. If Cena cares so much about championships (and he does, he made fucking Rey Mysterio defend it the same night he won it for the first time) why doesn’t he give a shit now? Is it because him and Punk are both best friends or something?
They’re making championships so irrelevant that they can no longer do what they are supposed to do: help make people feel important.
That makes sense in theory. But in practice, if everyone who ever said they “live for the title” was always gunning for the belt, no one else would ever be in the title picture. They could swap people out with injuries and suspensions and whatnot, but that can get old too. And they can’t play up the “one more title shot, and then you move to the back of the line” thing too much, because then they’d have to actually decide who else is “in line.” So in short, there’s no easy answer.
Great report as usual, Brandon.
Not to be that guy, but I hated the Cena-Cole match. It didn’t strike me as a hated heel getting his comeuppance, it was like the coolest, most popular guy in school beat up the kid who tried too hard while the bully’s toady (Lawler).
There are a million ways they could have done that angle better. Hell, they could have had Cole beg for mercy and the Cena go to hit Cole, stop short, and say, “you’re not worth the effort”. And if you’re so hellbent on getting Cole embarrassed have Cole talk about Cena not having a killer instinct and that’s why the Rock and Big Johnny beat him and why Brock SHOULD have beaten him and then have Cena demolish him.
Stupid iPhone, the end of the last sentence of the first paragraph should have been “while the bully’s toady gushingly egged him on”.
You aren’t being “that guy” when you say the same thing I said at the end of the report!
BUT WAIT.
FIVE RAPHAEL.
TEN SAI.
MATH.
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
You knew it’d only be a matter of time after all your Pokemon talk: [pokemon.theirstar.com]
:O
Brandon, I’m calling shenannigans on you. I know you hate Triple H, but, what was Triple H supposed to say? He was a part of Raw for like 900 of the 1000 episodes. It seems pretty logical to me that his favorite moment would involve him. Just like Cena’s favorite moment involved him. And I’m sure Punk will mention summer of Punk, Ryder will discuss being on Raw, Santino will mention Italy, etc.
Johnny must remain on the Hoveround for a ridiculous amount of time. Like… in 5 years I want someone to finally call him out on it and he gets all confused like… wait… what?
This is by far, the only place on the internetz where we can talk wrestling AND Shakespeare in the same thread. I freakin love me some Hamlet. Huzzah.
I only talk Hamlet if it can lead into a talk about Lion King. The beggar that hath ate of a fish that hath ate of a worm that hath ate of a king is totes the Circle of Life.
So I’m thinking at this point WWE should start having contests to have someone in the WWE Universe become a member of their writing team. I’m pretty sure there’s quite a few of us who can do a much better job.
But the lunkheads outnumber us so badly that the quality of writing would probably get worse. It would just be a bunch of “Haw-haw, have Cena punch all the mud peoples!”
I think Cena needs a turn as a heel. He’s been a face nearly his entire career, except for a very, very brief time when the whole “Thugonomics” (God, it hurts my fingers just typing that) thing started. You get to a point where people are just over you being good all the time. And I think they missed a good opportunity for it with the Eve and Zach Ryder thing. Of course, that would have meant seeing more of Zach Ryder and Eve, which I’m not sure I could handle.
Also, and I’m sure I’ll receive hate for this, but I cannot wait for the day Vicki Guerrero leaves the WWE. I don’t care if her boobs look great every night, her voice makes me want to stab whoever handed her a mike.
She used to be WAY worse, though. Back when they were trying to establish “Excuse me” as a thing, and she’d say it like five times, getting more shrill every time.
But yeah, in general, the less mic time she gets, the better. And if she’s ever put in a position of authority again, I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch whichever show she’s GM-ing.
I’m not sure which was worse, when she was GM of Smackdown or in charge of the Divas. She is one of the main reasons I stopped watching Smackdown all together.
When you said X-Factor, I thought you were talking about the wrestling stable of X-Pac, Albert, and Justin Credible. It still fit when you mentioned “Strong Man”, because that’s obviously Albert in that group. Then it later turned out you were talking about comics.
On the June 4 edition of Raw SuperShow, the unknown tag team Stan Stansky & Arthur Rosenberg became the latest victims of RyBack in a 2-on-1 Handicap Match. However unlike previous victims of RyBack Stansky and Rosenberg did not fade away. Shortly after their RAW Appearance they began to garner a cult following. Today Stansky and Rosenberg are of of the great Tag Teams in the History of Professional Wrestling.
They could ever beat Chuck Norris and his Shadow.
No Seriously…
Follow Arthur Rosenberg on Twitter: @NotKirbyMack
Follow Stan Stanksky on Twitter: @StoneyHooker