Worst: John Cena, Aggressive 9-Year Old, Reading Promos Written By Nerds Who’ve Gotten Too Old
And then this happened.
Cena continues to be in a weird dark place since the news of his divorce broke, and this week it took the form of an absolutely out-of-a-bat’s-ass shit promo about Star Wars where Cena makes WWE guys be Star Wars guys and pretends it’s hilarious. You know for a fact that this was scripted out meticulously by some 36-year old Kevin Smith-esque asshole who either
1. Hasn’t updated his pop culture references in 20 years and missed Zack And Miri Make A Porno causing Star Wars references to jump the shark for f**king ever.
2. Wanted that promo to be Cena comparing wrestlers to ‘Babylon 5′ or ‘Lexx’ characters but nobody got his “John Cena’s a Cylon” Prototype gag and couldn’t get anybody to laugh at anything but ‘Lexx Luger’, so he dumbed it down and made it about Star Wars so people who watch wrestling and have the pop culture scope of a Ziggy comic could enjoy it.
Either way, it was a nearly-lethal dose of secondhand embarrassment, and as Totes Adorbs as Cena was laughing at his own Yoda impression it only succeeded in making me forget about Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter’s forceable nostalgia entry from last week. If you want to be nerdy on wrestling you have to be SINCERELY nerdy on wrestling, like when AJ dressed up as Kitana from Mortal Kombat. It worked because you knew she knew who that was, and because she tried to do the fan lift. If Cena’s seen an entire Star War for real I’ll eat my shoe.
If you guys are just hiring nerds to make pop culture jokes on Raw, I am a pretty desperate blogger with mild wrestling business connections and I could write the hell out of a “Kane and Undertaker are Fire Benders” gag. It ends with Kofi Kingston throwing a boomerang at Kane and f**king up his third eye.
Best Best Best: Chris Jericho Is Tired Of Your Shit
This Raw was full of great moments, but I think my favorite was Chris Jericho remembering that he’s CHRIS JERICHO and not that stammering weird guy from the last four months, wandering out in the Million Dollar Man’s jacket and asking John Cena to cut another Star Wars promo like a 9-year old (complete with GLORIOUS EYE-ROLL):
The video package of Fozzy preforming in front of a bigger-than-Raw audience made Jericho look like a huge star, and despite sorta looking like Dana Carvey he made more of an impression on me last night than he has since January. Seriously, the guy looks like he’s aged 15 years in the last month. Kicking a Brazilian flag is basically the worst thing you can do. Regardless, Cena desperately needed someone to shut him up, and all Jericho had to do was be a normal person who isn’t an invalid 5-year old to do it.
No offense, Make-A-Wish kids.
Best: Money In The Bank Matches With Actual Guys In Them
WWE looks like they want to keep the good will from last year’s Money In The Bank going, so the announced matches so far include a straight-up CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan WWE Championship match and a pair of Money In The Bank ladder matches, with at least one of the two featuring actual WWE Superstars. Usually those things are full of guys who can jump off a ladder or hold a ladder to be jumped from, so you end up with Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne and R-Truth and like Kane in there, when you’d assume guys like Show and John Cena and The Rock (cough) who always want the WWE Championship would WANT to be in there and get an easy-as-shit opportunity. If Jack Swagger can cash in on a guy and become champion, how easy would it be for Cena?
The thing about Cena being in the match “to stop the Big Show” is pretty funny, since literally two months ago he was a fat guy who lost his month-long Intercontinental Championship by accidentally stepping through a table. Gravity and a ladder rung not built to support a f**king moose would probably stop Show without Cena having to be around, but I guess Jumping Dog Shoulderblocks From The Ladder~ are a solid insurance policy.
Cena winning the match could work, too, especially if you have him be the guy who fails on his cash-in. They’ve got to have someone fail soon, and Cena’s got enough credibility and enough title wins under his belt to not look like such a goober about it. Have him nobly challenge Punk to a match at SummerSlam and lose. Gimmick integrity preserved, Cena gets another good match without having to resort to props and Punk’s title reign gets closer to the full year. A win all around.
Best: SID, MOTHERF**KERS
Okay, I was lying about the Jericho eye roll. The best part of this show was SID, because SID RULES THE WORLD. That’s my analysis. Through boots and powerbombs he has been PUT IN CHARGE OF OUR WORLD.
I was talking about this earlier today … the coolest thing about WWE’s legends build for Raw 1000 is that they’ve forgone their usual “let’s bring out whoever’s already in the back” thing with Sgt. Slaughter and IRS and are actually bringing in cool guys we haven’t seen for a while. And Sarge and IRS are GREAT, don’t get me wrong, but they are WWE Legends, not VADER and SID. If Stan Hansen shows up next week to break Heath Slater’s neck with a Western Lariat I’ll forgive another year of sports entertainment.
Sid is awesome, but you don’t need me to tell you that. I wish he’d gotten a backstage segment with Teddy Long, though.
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Holy shit… the animorph made me lose it.
best joke on here since the Kane ambulance ride to hell
Any reference to Animal Morphers is automatically awesome.
I also welcome our temporary Vickie overlord.
I agree. Vickie 4 Lyfe.
(/preps the allegiance oath commemorative plates)
I also loved Lawler shutting his mouth when Vicki was in her swimwear.
Basically he said “Ok, she has 2 kids and isnt a professional athlete… she looks better than me naked” she wins
It takes a lot of courage to go out there and stand next to freaking Katelyn in a bikini and strut your shit like you own the place. Vickie rules.
Since 1999 or so, it’s probably fair to say that a quiet Lawler is the best Lawler.
May death come quickly to her enemies.
I haven’t read it yet, but an anticipatory YES! for what is sure to be another great column.
Two Bests missing from the Shoadus segment:
1) The “cmon. . are you even serious” expression on the Generic WWE Security Guy as Show knocked out the Funkasaurus.
2) LIL’ NAITCH FAN CLUB SIGN!
Also, how about that one referee who had the wherewithal to actually duck Show’s punch instead of just dumbly standing in the way of it like most referees are fated to do.
That security guy is so great.
That sign won.
also… no best for Dolph smashing the shit out of flowers????
He needs to do more of that. Someone’s just bought a soda from a vending machine, Dolph asks if it’s for him, takes a sip, and “I hate root beer!” and throws it in the trash.
This. So this.
Dolph’s new theme song – Lonely Island’s Throw it on the Ground
The concept of a wrestler with a gimmick of throwing things on the ground like in that Lonely Island video is too amazing for them to really use it. We can dream though. Imagine the contract signings!
As long as they don’t get their gimmick inspiration from “Jizz in My Pants”
I only wish they would have replayed the Sid idiot promos from Monday Nitro when he was introduced.
….and I agree that The Rock will be in the Money in the Bank, Brandon.
yeah, I would actually mark out if the Rock was in that… just so Cena didnt win.
moral of the story. I hate Cena
So glad to see that Katy Perry commercial referenced. I watched 2 hours of wrestling and that still managed to be the dumbest thing I saw all night.
I think it could be alright. Granted, I’d prefer a documentary on the paths Marit and Marion went on after M2M broke up (spoiler: Marit went on the correct one), but Katy “Ha! Wigs” Perry: Part Of Me 3D has potential to be watchable.
Fine, you talked me into it. I’ll bring the Pepsi.
I’ll bring the candy-themed costumes!
Imagine what B&W would have been like back when there were three FFX-2 commercials per commercial break.
I would’ve talked at length about the Final Fantasy series every single time and it would’ve been awesome.
I attended Raw last night, and there was stuff that happened after the show went off the air. Big Show brought out Tensai for a two-on-one handicap match against Cena after he Colossoly Choked him out. Cena rallied back and won. The Big Johnny Laurinaitis came out, tried to ht Cena with a chair, and missed and got Attitutinally Adjusted. Also, Bi Show came out and WMD’d Brodus Clay twice, but Raw only aired one of them. I assume this stuff happens all the time, because i haven’t attended a wrestling event since middle school (I’m 24 now). But I just figured you’d like to know Laurinaits was there, at least in (kind of) spirit.
Bi show? whats with the gay jokes. be a star.
Typing on an iPhone is still rather new to me, by the way.
I confused Percy Watson for Titus O’Neil last week and still haven’t gotten over the shame of my unintentionally implied racism. :-(
DAMMIT, there I go again. It was Titus on tv and I thought he was Percy. Gahhhh.
NO Sir Digby!! BLAME IT ON YOUR NEMESIS!!!
Knoxville, you should be able to tell the difference between Titus and Percy by now: MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
So glad to see my girl on TV again.
Also, my vote goes to #AJKaitlyn. Forever. Obviously.
can we get a weekly worst for the lack of ass-roll from Dolph?
I love how Brandon spends all his time talking about how AJ needs to be more than just a girl trying to date them and blah blah woman rights blah blah, then turns into every other guy and starts wanking it to her in her underwear and has it be a best. Way to keep your facade up dude.
yeah Brandon…. no happy medium for you.
Cool, Internet Tough Guy!
Yeah, they can be people and be nice to look at. They can be both. What a world we live in!
@selfreliable – you are a dumb
It is possible to not get the reason why they are wearing bikinis but also take in their beauty and other stuff.
Wanking it to AJ in her underwear is the right of every pro-graps fan and who are you to judge anyone for doing so?
Certainly not a facade. The column is nothing more than my opinion, and my opinions are both “women should be treated better on wrestling TV” and “beautiful women are beautiful”. I don’t want them to be grey cardboard cutouts, and I certainly don’t want to zap the sexuality from them, I just like when they’re treated like three-dimensional humans of worth. And when men are, and everyone else is.
A huge Best for the GLOW shoutout. That beautiful trainwreck used to come on after USWA on Saturday mornings. Even at like, 5, I identified GLOW as “fake wrestling,” whereas USWA was “real wrestling.”
Godiva looked like she was naked, y’all.
She did, and she was great. Zelda The Brain for life.
3-Time, 3-Time, 3-Time top commenter of the night!!! Although I’m putting an * next to my record since I cheated and used sheamus/shameless pandering to get this one.
Honestly, I’ve never liked Swagger. I won’t mind seeing him go.
We as a collective group also get a BEST for reaching over 3,000 comments. Has that ever been done before on this column?
or any story on Uproxx?
We got close on the 6/11 and 4/23 Raws and went over 3500 on Wrestlemania’s open discussion thread.
It was scrolling so fast I couldn’t keep up. I’d scroll down to read the new comments I’d missed and by the time I got to the top it would say there were 18 more posts.
I went to brush my teeth before bed and came back to about 123 comments.
yeah, it’s a case of “DON’T MOVE, YOU’LL MISS A THOUSAND COMMENTS!” which can be fun sometimes.
It’d be cool if there was a way to export the comments to Word and be able to read them all later. I used to spend about an hour clicking the little bar at the bottom if I missed something, but it takes too long.
I honestly liked the old system of having comments on pages instead of clicking the bar since most of the time it doesn’t work right with my browser or something, stuff loads weird.
Yeah, that happens to me too, Lobster. I have to log out off my uproxx account to make that load more comments bar function. Not sure why. The pages worked much better.
I really do love and appreciate that. You guys are tops.
I made the Top 10? I made the Top 10?!
[www.youtube.com]
I think my favorite comment was actually someone calling for a Naked Mideon run-in. That would have made this century worthwhile.
Does that mean you’re going to wear our clothes?
“The epic story of one man’s love for Mountain Dew Throwback. Tom Hanks stars in ‘Best and Worst of My Life – The Brandon Stroud Story’ coming to a theater near you in IMAX 3D, smell-o-vision & smision”
+all the oscars
Best part is when Brandon, (Hanks), achieves his life goal of creating a water slide with Mountain Dew Throwback instead of water. Not a dry eye in that movie theater!
Tom Hanks would be an awesome me. We both love the Cleveland Indians.
I’m still casting for the role of Destiny.
I want them to keep doing this “Raw legends come back to beat up Heath Slater” thing every week for the rest of the year until they’re down to like “My god that’s Beau Beverly!” or the Berzerker or something.
Also I want the last guy to be Barry Horowitz and when he and Slater punch each other the world explodes.
I’m hoping Marty Jannetty shows up and just as he’s about to answer Josh Matthews first question he’s immediately thrown through a glass window by Brock.
The final opponent would have to be Harvey Wippleman.
My God, Jannetty tried to escape through the window….
Animorphs! And uncommonly athletic everyman Kofi as uncommonly resourceful everyman Sokka makes so much damn sense.
Oh, also, the awesome Ricky Marvin, awesome thought is, is the least intimidating Ricky.
It took me like five minutes to decide who Sokka should be.
I’m with you everywhere concerning the Battle Royale. I just finished going back and watching NXT from when Regal took over and I’ve taken a mighty shine to both Kaitlyn and Maxine.
Also, I almost died when I saw a Sean O’Haire reference. I remember really liking him back in the day. But Test was my favorite wrestler back then as well. Can someone who was a more discerning fan in 2002 tell me if Sean O’Haire was good or not?
My last memory of him was bullying a one legged wrestler with Roddy Piper.
I liked the gimmick they were attempting, but he was never anything in the ring.
That seems unfair, to say O’Haire was “never anything in the ring”. Considering he was pushed out onto television long before he was ready as part of the Natural Born Thrillers, O’Haire probably had the most potential of anyone in that group, and it’s a shame he wasn’t a) given more time at the Power Plant, and b) able to spend about five years working WCW style, as he had the intensity and athleticism that he really could’ve been something special. His time as part of the WCW tag champions before WCW folded provided some very exciting matches.
Sean O’Haire somehow convinced the Internet that he was this colossal, charismatic athlete who could do anything if they’d just give him a chance. The reason the WWE gimmick didn’t work is because he couldn’t do it live, and he couldn’t get it across in the ring. At the Power Plant and in TNBT he was just one of the guys, to the point that Chuck Palumbo ended up having a way more prosperous career.
What I’m getting at is that he WASN’T anything in the ring, and could’ve beens don’t make it so.
“Cena gets another good match without having to resort to props and Punk’s title reign gets closer to the full year. A win all around.”
I don’t want Punk to have the title around his waist for a year.
That Diva’s batte royal was incredible. The girls looked fantastic.
I don’t necessarily want Punk to be the champion (D-Bry plz) but I do love me some legitimate, lengthy title reigns.
Glad to see everyone had the same reaction to the Divas Battle Royal: expecting it to be really horrible and exploitative and then finding out it was mostly benign and just bad from a wrestling standpoint.
It’s like having your tank on E and thinking gas will be $4 but when you pull up to the station it’s actually like $3.15. It still sucks way more than it should, but it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be.
Okay, I have a bone to pick with your Best: Money in the Bank Matches With Actual Guys in It.
First off, for all intents and purposes, the “WWE Championship Money in the Bank Ladder Match” is going to be contested by FOUR people. Beyond that, the idea that only former champions can be in the match is so completely ass backwards for a couple reasons. A. That leads to your MITB match having FOUR people in it. The only options left are Sheamus, Del Rio, Mysterio, Orton and Sid if he wants to stick around. John Cena vs. Kane vs. Big Show vs. Chris Jericho is not a match that I want to see at all. And it’s a match none of them need because B. The MITB is for young guys trying to get over. Guys like Daniel Bryan and Del Rio who are on cusp of the main event scene and need that last push. Cody Rhodes would be a perfect example.
I agree that if they are going to do this having Cena win and lose the briefcase is probably the best bet but first, you imply him cashing it in against Punk at SummerSlam, meaning that Bryan is losing at MITB, which is probably true but still makes me extremely sad. And then you say “it brings Punk’s reign closer to a year. A win all round.” In no way, do I see how that is a win in any way.
There’s a second Money in the Bank that I assume is going to have most of your usual Money in the Bank participants in it anyway, so this is a solid storyline way to get another match, fill all the old guys that are going to be involved in the WWE Title hunt anyway, and give them something to do with potential for various story tropes pulled out, while still having a proper up-n-comers MITB match.
They have a few former WWE Champs out, maybe they come back to be in the WWE title Money in the Bank match.
Maybe they can shoehorn Triple H in there to save the match (slow-wanking motion). Also, Brock Lesnar held the Undisputed Championship, which I believe was converted back into the WWE Championship when Triple H was awarded the World Heavyweight Title, so he qualifies too.
@Schmantony Pretty sure they’re doing the same thing for the World Heavyweight Money in the Bank, which means Ziggler can win so that’s not all bad.
@Arrested The people I listed are literally the only former WWE champions on the roster. Del Rio is more than likely be involved in a match with Sheamus, Orton will still be suspended and Mysterio could show up but I have no idea what the hell is going on with him.
Could the Miz go AWOL for this?
There’s no way the Cena MITB match won’t have at least 6 people in it. My guesses would be Miz and Mysterio will get added in the next two weeks. They need dudes beside Jericho who can do laddery stuff and get their asses kicked by the big guys.
I don’t think a ladder match with four people in it will be bad. Some ladder matches are great with TWO people. If they have two on the same show, it’d be cool to let them be different.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading these comments but I retract most of these comments after reading the SmackDown spoilers because the World Heavyweight MITB is most certainly not former champions and sounds AMAZING.
I jumped around my apartment doing “YES!” chants for being in the Top 10 this week. Great write up as usual Brandon!
I would’ve grown a newfound respect for Cena if his promo was about Animorphs instead of Star Wars, where Vince is Elfangor, Big Show’s a Hork-Bajir, Otunga’s a Yeerk, and Brodus Clay can only morph into a dinosaur but since he’s never touched a living dinosaur he figures he can disguise himself by dancing like one.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Ok, so does anyone really want to watch Otunga? Seriously? He’s a horrible wrestler with a horrible heel character that pretty much ran it’s course with Johnny’s exit. I love the column, but I don’t understand the weekly Otunga love. Well, I don’t understand the constant Triple H hate either, even though he’s sort of a hit or miss guy at this point.
My biggest problem with WWE TV right now is that they seem to have no respect for their champion, even though they’ve committed to keeping the belt around Punk’s waist. All of the prime TV and PPV spots go to Cena, while Punk’s matches get stuck at the beginning or middle of almost every show/ event. Why the heck is he not in the main event? I wonder if it’s written in Cena’s contract that he just has to have every goddamn main event on every show.
Dude, Otunga did the fucking Carlton on Smackdown last week.
Triple H just spends hours talking about how he’s the coolest and toughest guy ever.
The rest of the internet is full of websights that love Triple H and ignore Otunga.
Punk sez: (on his Tweeter*) “No matter where I’m at on the card, I’m always the main event” (paraphrased, but barely).
If he’s content with wrestling where ever they stick him, why can’t you be? This isn’t 1985 (or even 1997) anymore – talented guys can wrestle anywhere on the show and it’s still good.
Whoops….forgot to explain my asterisk.
*Credit: Joe Maddon (or some other old baseball manager)
Otunga rules, and I feel like I explain it at ultra-length every week.
Finally broke the Top 10. Thanks, Brandon. I’m sorry if this post seems subdued, but my first post with a Youtube link to Ode to Joy is still under review.
Sometimes I feel like John Cena delivering that abomination of a Star Wars promo On here, I say things that sound like they will hit, but I ultimately don’t know what the fuck i’m saying. Except i am more aware of popculture than him
Jericho: You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren’t there at the beginning! You don’t know how good it was, how important! This is it for you! This jumped up, firework display of a RAW promo! People like you make me sick! What’s wrong with you?
*Cena maeks sad face*
Jericho: Now, I don’t care, if you saved up all your star wars jokes, take your Yoda impression, and GET OUT!
*Cena runs out, sobbing*
Jericho: *sigh* What a prick.
Thanks for another great Best and Worst of Raw….It makes a crummy day at work bearable.
What is next on John Cena’s pop culture wrestling fan fiction list? I vote John Cena comparing wrestlers to memes. R-Truth? Chocalate Rain. Zach Ryder? Star wars lightsaber kid. Jerry Lawler? Verbal Goatse.
Which Sex and the City character everyone is. John Cena’s totally a Samantha!
Zack Ryder is definitely Star Wars kid. AJ is Boxxy.
As for CM Punk being a secret heel, how can a man who once admitted to being the devil himself be a secret heel? More like double-secret face.
I believe i am in need of spell check!
Scott Steiner next week or we riot!
that would be so awesome dude, I would lose my mind
Building new stars in the Money In the Bank match? Nope, just put in Cena and 3 heels so he can overcome the odds.
I don’t want Cena overcoming the odds all the time either, but MITB can be used for lots of things, and “building new stars” never happens no matter what they do.
And are they really doing only 4 man MITB matches? I love the 8 man MITB.
Laurinaitis: Vorlons
McMahons: Shadows
Cena: Sheridan
Layla: Ivanova
Big Show: Garibaldi
CM Punk: Bester
Sheamus: G’Kar
+1
Wow. +1
[www.youtube.com] Has anyone else seen these 5ish minute recaps of Raw? Funny as hell.
nice
Another great article, Brandon! I too would have loved a best for Ziggler throwing flowers though. I love the thought of him being a popular face, and still being an arrogant asshole.
What if it was a Lost analogy instead of Star Wars?
I suck for not being able to list off which characters would be played by which superstars right off the top of my head, but perhaps it would be fun to discuss?
If not, just make like a WWE storyline and pretend none of this dialogue every happened.
Been watching it on netflix with the soon-to-be mrs so every train of thought I have usually spirals into a Lost reference.
Well, if you start from a place of AJ is Kate, it gets the ball rolling.
AJ = Kate
Punk = Jack
Bryan = Sawyer
Um…
Cody Rhodes = Ben
Cena = Locke
Vickie and Dolph = Sun and Jin
I’m stretching now…
Locke = Daniel Bryan
If it’s a LOST reference, Cena would try to compare himself with Jack or Sawyer but we all know he is Nikki and Paolo combined.
@THESTINGER – Daniel Bryan wouldn’t be Locke, he’d be YES Locke
Great B/W. I’m glad I’m not the only one sad that we saw no Ryback. Also, how the John Cage 4:33 comment didn’t make the top 10 is beyond me
Yay, people like my comments! It’s no issue, though.
It mostly didn’t make it because there were 3,000+ comments and it’s hard to find them all! I <3 you, Lobster Mobster.
It’s totally Coolio, B. I’ll get ‘em next time!
“Also, let Kaitlyn be there.”
Please
People take notice. People Power!
I just want to see a weekly episodic television show starring Sid, David Keith, and John C Reilly as buddy cop brothers or something. The specifics don’t matter, just put those three guys on a show, let Keith overserious everything, Reilly be Reilly,and Sid do some crazy shit like the “yappa pi” promo, and I’m good.
WHOA..top ten comments? I’m honored.
Even though Sid and his “stuck-to-his-sides” arms were straight out of Seinfeld, I truly enjoyed seeing him back in the ring. I’ve always been partial to the “Master of the World” gimmick mostly because imagining Sid on some throne consolidating his power is something of a pastime.
But man oh man am I sick of the “Love John Cena because he’s good to kids” Make-A-Wish foundation promos while simultaneously showcasing him as a jock, douchebag bully when he’s dealing with his antagonists. It’s so asinine that I’ve accepted the (non)challenge of changing the channel anytime that dude or something about him is on the air.
I’m not saying there aren’t things to like about Cena outside of wrestling, but that’s just it. Outside of wrestling. In the wrestling world, he’s cringeworthy and the video package after video package of showing him as a good guy outside of the ring does no favors for those who already despise him. I’m sure plenty of wrestlers are good people who do good things in their free time (what little there may be of it), but in the glorious world of kayfabe, those good deeds are irrelevant. They mean nothing in regards to the matches, stories, etc.
Just a thought on that bullshit.
More fuel to my point that Cena needs to spend some time as a heel.
Also, B, I’ll ashamedly admit that I wasn’t really sure about the whole AJ experiment until last night. And it wasn’t seeing AJ in her skivvies doing the “Yes” chant for all she’s worth that convinced me either (although that certainly wasn’t a hindrance by any means). It was the fact that AJ is able to pull mannerisms from various other WWE characters and really make them her own. The Kane head tilt, the “crazy look” that’s a “Randy Orton, Viper/Alpha Predator” trademark (yes, AJ’s is different than Orton’s, but the concept is still the same – essentially a psychotic version of the Hulk Hogan “head shake”), the CM Punk “better than you” smirk, and obviously, the Daniel Bryan “yes” chant. As disparate as these guys are (and I’m really only scratching the surface, I think), the fact that AJ is able to blend them so well speaks not only to her love of the business, but also to her talent and ability to portray an honest-to-god character. Now we just have to hope “creative” doesn’t screw this up.
Tweet’d, Facebook’d, Tumblr’d, and Google+’d
The only thing I want to see of Kate Perry in 3-D is her feet.
Psycho Sid – Not sure how I feel. I remember he attacked Arn, who is one of my favorites of all time. Gotta admit, I’ve always loved his powerbomb. Better than Nash’s, perhaps below Vader’s.
I”m going to start commenting per page. I always forget mild to moderately clever or weird things by the end. This will be the thread.
Vickie Guerrero is clearly taking what the Eddie Murphy “Nutty Professor” is taking to stay slim. Find her stash of that stuff, and you beat Vickie Guerrero.
Of course Sid’s powerbomb was better than Nash’s. Nash had twigs for legs: which was why he only managed to drop Show on his neck back in WCW.
Never been much of a fan of the release power bomb, although Sid always had some muscle behind it. Last Ride Power Bomb was always impressive to me. It’s been a few days, but someone hit a power bomb (hell it might have been Sid’s) that made me wonder if the dude’s head was busted open in the back.
Sid is 52 and he still is in better shape than anyone on this site. Meanwhile, Ric Flair looks like a corpse of Ric Flair. My point? Don’t bring back Flair.
Please, and thank you.
Come on, man, Ric WOOOOOOOOO Flair is at least 102 years old. He might still be a limousine-ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss-stealin’, son-of-a-gun but he’s parked in the handicap spot up near the terminal and they’ve got his old butt seated in the chair closes to the exit on the plane.
Every time they have Big Show beat up on Cena in a non-PPV setting it’s always some sort of lame thing like Monday where he puts Cena in the Colossal Clutch and yeah whatever. Why can’t Show just turn up, WMD Cena like…four or five times and make all the Cena-haters happy? Remember when the Rock completely beat the ever-loving crap out of Mankind with, like, eleventy-two completely undefended chair shots directly to his brain? Well that’s what I want to see Show do to Cena with his fist. Every episode of RAW. Also, every episode of Smackdown. Also, every episode or NXT. Also, anytime there’s even a camera within a kilometre of the pair of them.
Currently reading Smackdown spoilers. I’m not gonna be ‘that guy’ and spoil anything; but the description of the show so far makes me wish there was an open thread for SD. …Or at least, makes me wish that more people came back to this thread on Fridays to discuss. I’ll be checking in if I can.
Tiny mini-spoiler: the MITB match for the WHC is… interesting so far.
I second the call for a Smackdown open thread. Doesn’t have to be a write-up or anything, just someplace we can post. Smackdown has become pretty good again ever since Daniel Bryan became one of the top guys on the show. Plus don’t forget Damien Sandow, Antinio Cesaro, and MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! are usually a weekly feature.
Made the mistake of being ‘that guy’ and revealing a spoiler before. I don’t know if it was because I was so excited, or because I picked that moment to throw away any form of intelligence, but I learned.
Ditto on the open thread. Don’t need a write-up but would love to have another night to talk wrestling.
BWSD wouldn’t be a terrible thing either. Since Brandon is a busy man, someone else should probably write it up.
God damn it, Brandon.
1) Previous Pretty Guardian Sailormoon References
2) Throwback pop references
3) Sparky Sparky Boom Man references
4) AJ’s Yes Gif.
WHY MUST YOU BREAK ME SO?
I can reference PGSM all day dude, don’t test me.
Holy shit an Animorphs reference!
Wait they had Sid there and he didn’t interact with Teddy Long at all?
By the way this is building to Flair at Raw 1000 to bring in all of Sting’s nemeses but never Sting.
Papa Shango was supposed to run in during Sid’s match, but he missed his cue.
As a Kane fan from way back, I must side with Destiny on this: no Kane, not worth my time.
I hope Heath Slater comes out and tries to say he broke out Australian prison and beat up 8 police officers in the process just to coax Nathan Jones out of whatever it is he’s doing
+1
Has Chris Jericho’s lionsault ever worked? I like that Sid looks like a mixture of Dennis and Randy Quaid.
When I was a kid, I was terrified of Sid. I remember crying when he wrestled Shawn Michaels because I thought he would legit kill him in the ring.
Needs more veganism and feminism.
need more reading the column and not just trying to troll
Did someone tell you to shorten these?
It’s six pages long, what’s the problem?
I hope the 1,000th episode goes off the air almost like Conan O’Brien’s tonight show. Except in my version Heath Slater is singing “One Man Band” with Man Mountain Rock playing lead guitar for the entire overrun, and it ends with Cyndi Lauper braining Slater with Henry Godwinn’s slop bucket.
I had a whole thing ready about Bastion Booger showing up next week to sit on Heath Slater, but my inside sources inform me that Mike Shaw has apparently been dead for two years. Damn.
Great column as always Brandon.
I especially liked your write-up on Jack Swagger. He is a talented guy, but he just seems so forced in the ring. You said it better than I could, but he definitely needs something.
Man, that Divas battle royale was a trainwreck of a match, but Natalya, AJ, Kaitlyn and Maxine in bikinis is an automatic best from me.
It still surprises me how much people cheer and clap for Kane. Isn’t he supposed to be a bad guy?
Regarding Kane: It’s hard for people to hate Kane because “FLAMETHROWERS”.
Fair point Alopezb5.
I always forget that he worked an angle against X-Pac where he was an underdog face.
Kane angles just don’t make sense to me.
Another thing I wanted to mention: IRS was the first heel I can ever remember really liking while knowing fully that he was a bad guy. I still think I’d like him today though. His finisher was the “Write-off” (puns!) and he called everyone in the crowd tax cheats. Like Rick Rude in suspenders.
So “Kane should drive a car that looks like Kane” might actually be the best thing ever done with Kane. Sorry, Brandon, you know you’re my boy B-ran right here and all, but i think that Destiny should get the shot at writing for WWE.
I want to propose an experiment where we put Destiny and my girlfriend Angie in a room together watching RAW (or Smackdown, or NXT or TNA or whatever. I made Angie watch Chikara the other weekend), and we just hang out behind a mirror and jot down their reactions and ideas for storylines. Is that weird? I can’t tell.
I wasn’t on board this whole AJ thing up until now. I thought it was just transferring the attempted “hoski” thing from Eve to AJ, but now i’m more into the idea that AJ is just there to sow dischord and wreck everything. I’m not very secretly hoping that this turns into some kind of Kingdom Come thing, where the Batman-led CM Punk faction wars with the Superman Daniel Bryan faction over how to stop the crazy destruction rampage of the Kane faction while the AJ supervillain council rubs its hands together in glee. It’ll never happen, but it would be awesome.
Also: Kaitlyn. Just…..yes. I’mma go re-follow her on twitter.
So who will be squoshing Heath Slater next week?
Here are some of my guesses, will it be…
a) Batista
b) Scott Steiner
c) Goldberg
d) DDP
e) Lex Luger
am I missing anyone?
At the risk of repeating myself BOB BACKLUND
Heath Slater will rant on the state of THIS COUNTRY and claim that the only solution is for the ONE MAN BAAA AAA AAAND! to run for President.
Enter Bob Backlund.
Presidential debate between Backlund & Slater will end with Slater in the Crossface Chicken Wing.
Fun Fact: I still remember freaking out as a kid when Bob put the crossface on Bret Hart. Pretty sure I cried.
Isaac Yankem, DDS, and AJ will come skipping down to the ring wearing a dental mask.
Zombie Macho Man.
I cant believe Barondon didn’t destroy Kane more. IT DONT MATTA DESTINY KANE ALL WASHED UP GUURRRLLL *snaps fingers*
I asked this on the open thread, but can someone explain the old navy joke to me?
Without going back and watching, I assumed that the props around ringside (beach umbrellas, beach balls, etc) reminded folks of the fake, pastel “look at us enjoying time at the beach” vibe that one would get from an Old Navy commercial.
If there’s any more to it than that, I missed it too.
I’m not normally a fan of parading chicks around in a ring in their pants for the pleasure of others, but DAT ASS.
“Triple Trett” is HHH’s country music-lovin’ cousin.
Brandon! Come Quick! It’s Mark Henry and a Minor League mascot! And a “Worker Point (the not quite as cool cousin to the worker fist)!!!!!” [www.facebook.com]
I would’ve bet a large amount of money that Sid was dead. One of my favorite memories from Nitro was a close-up on Sid, yelling in victory after a match (alongside Mach, I think?) and then they did their cut-to-commercial thing with the explosion, and it was like Sid was breathing fire.
Great read as always. Thanks!
Maxine has, reportedly, LEFT the building!
The weirdest thing is that on a podcast two weeks, or one week ago, an emailer sent in an almost verbatim Star Wars – John Cena analogy. It was creepy. Someone in WWE Uncreative definitely peeps out the pods.
Decent match between AJ and Layla (decent by Divas’ standards). I appreciate it when ladies wrestle more or less a guys’ style, as opposed to backflips, hair pulls, etc.
I look forward to seeing AJ as special ref for Punk/Bryan; but as usual I’m afraid Creative will mess it up. They’ve done well so far, but it has to happen eventually.
…Also, it’s interesting how *annoying* the YES chant is when AJ does it. She’s like a yapping puppy. Still super cute, but shrill.