Best: It Is Motherf**king Vader Time
In celebration of one of my very favorite wrestlers of all time showing up at age 57 to murder dudes with extremely fat prejudice, here are 5 random moments from Vader’s career that have stuck with me.
1. Vader’s WCW Debut:
When I was a kid, my parents loved wrestling so we’d order every (or most) NWA/WCW pay-per-views and tape them onto VHS. I burned out my VHS of The Great American Bash 1990 watching Vader’s debut, where this guy in a f**king steaming elephant helmet comes out of some terrifying part of my nightmares and royally f**ks up the Z-Man. The match is maybe 2 minutes long and has been in my top 10 sentimental favorites for decades. Vader made more of an immediately impression on me than any other wrestler I can name. Additionally, Tom Zenk blows.
2. The time I wedged my way into the front row at a show and tried to high five him. He wasn’t giving out high fives, so I slapped him on the boob. He smelled like peppermint.
3. That time he deadlift-German’d Anotnio Inoki to death. To literal death.
4. The time Stan Hansen hit him so hard his eyeball popped out.
5. The time he got emasculated by Mr. Feeney.
Best: From Now On, I’m Only Standing Up Like Vader
Oh man, how much did I love Vader trying to walk up steps or stand up? I guess when you’re 60 and weigh 400 pounds you can’t do things as nimbly as you could before, but Vader’s standing technique of “sprawl out on the floor, planet your feet, use your hands to push yourself up to standing” was hilarious. He practically had to lie down on the steps to climb them.
I’m so happy to see Vader again. This was a proper Vader tribute match, not like that weird time when Jonathan Coachman brought him back with Goldust to beat up Batista and Vader was too fat to leave the ring without falling over. WWE Vader has always been really sad, so I’m happy to see him treated with respect and gravitas. I’m also happy that Slater got to fight him a little, and wasn’t made to look like a total putz. The Vader Bomb looked extra great, but I would’ve loved to see The One Man Rock Band eat a powerbomb. Or at least have them call it a Big Van Crush.
I love you, Vader. Even if you wouldn’t take a picture with me.
Worst: In A Better World, AJ Would Get To Look Like A Wrestler Here
The Women’s Liberation Movement going down in independent wrestling these days has spoiled me, so it’s with the knowledge of that spoilage I say I didn’t like AJ being treated like a total non-factor in the match (a “glorified handicap match”, to which she nods) where she’d get hurt like a helpless little girl if she got in the ring. More and more local promotions are realizing that “women’s wrestling” shouldn’t exist, but that women should WRESTLE, and wrestling should be the thing. Sara Del Rey gets high-profile singles wins against men in CHIKARA, Portia Perez wins Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s Heavyweight Championship, Mia Yim is winning TLC matches against guys in CZW and so on. It’s not a regional thing stuck in one promoter’s mind. It’s happening. And I mean yeah, if AJ wrestled Kane he could probably kill her with a boot, but in a company where Rey Mysterio can win the WWE AND World Heavyweight Championships, it’s not ridiculous to think AJ couldn’t get a legit move or two in on Daniel Bryan.
So hey, I know it’s WWE and I know how WWE works. I know AJ would get snapped in half by either of those guys. But stuff like this makes Beth Phoenix in the Royal Rumble a novelty statistic, and turns WWE’s female employees from wrestlers to wrestler’s girlfriend when they become a person of note.
Best: AJ, The Most Complex Character In WWE (For Better Or Worse)
AJ was the star of this match, no doubt about it. The match was f**king terrible, but it was fun enough to watch, and AJ proved she belongs in that spot. As I mentioned before, good or bad, AJ is the most developed and fleshed-out female character in recent WWE history, where the Divas are either a bitch or a well-meaning spunky type who cries when they win the Divas Championship. AJ’s got an entirely different thing going on … she’s playing wrestlers against each other, playing herself against expectations, changing the approach, working the angles. She’s given us a legitimate reason to think she’ll go in any of three directions at No Way Out, and as obvious as it is that she’s trying to earn Daniel Bryan’s forgiveness, it’s still a more outlined plan than “Big Show gets fired, nobody on WWE roster can interfere in match between John Cena and guy who fired Big Show”.
One of the only disappointing aspects of it is that she isn’t this character in the Diva’s Division, which desperately needs it. If WWE put a little effort into giving people like Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, Natalya, Maxine and Kaitlyn characters more thorough than Good or Bad they could very easily and very quickly have an interesting thing going on, whether the wrestling was good or not. The other Divas would benefit by being given a purpose and earning the fandom of different kinds of people who might not be into them as titty models, and AJ would benefit by getting to be an awesome mentally unstable character without having “mentally unstable” be synonymous with “woman”. Not a crazy chick, but a chick who is crazy. That’s so tiny, but so important.
She’s doing a hell of a job with it. Even the coldest heart had to be warmed when she started skipping. Then immediately frozen when the announcers couldn’t summon a spirit younger than 40 to call it.
Worst: Tell Me Daniel Bryan Didn’t Just Get Pinned By That Sh*tty Elbow
The most offensive thing that happened on Raw without a goddamn doubt was Daniel Bryan, WWE title contender, getting pinned by the worst looking transitional move in wrestling. I want to know what part of a man jumping on you awkwardly with his armpit caused you to be knocked out cold.
Punk, I’m begging you, learn how to drop an elbow. The “Best In The World” should be brave enough to land hip-first without bailing. Seriously, I will forgive an entire year of you derisively calling Mexicans “amigo” and never speak an ill word if you drop one decent elbow. One. Ever.
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I can’t wait for Slater Time. And why did he go all Tensai on us and announce himself as just The One Man Band? What’s he got against rock?
Or the south, for that matter
He’s still mad at the shit crowd in Greensboro from that Raw in May.
Get well soon, Destiny. Or get well at your own pace. I don’t mean to bully you on the getting well schedule. Just get well.
Aww, thanks. :)
You’re welcome. (“You’re welcome” is on loan from Damien Sandow.)
I like the Metallica reference in the title.
It would probably be awesome to see exactly how tiny and skinny Kali’s legs actually are. Well, awesome or you’d get an arena full of heads actually exploding. So, really, awesome either way.
It’s kind of amazing how much better Swagger is when he is an a match where he can put some believable offense in.
Swagger is a totally fine wrestler. He should be in hoss fights with Isaiah Cash or Roscoe Jackson.
A.J. is working FOR Daniel Bryan. Just like Vince is swerving John Cena. Is that really not obvious?
I believe that to be true but I question that because AJ is just so great at acting crazy.
In re Bryan/Punk:
Hear, hear
If you remove the “AJ is crazy” angle from all of this and consider AJ might actually be the smartest person in this whole angle. She could be playing all three sides to this and actually be the one pulling the strings, She only approaches Kane when he does his fire monster thing and seems to have the upper hand in a match, then will help Punk when he seems to have the advantage and sunday at No Way Out she could pull a reverse Wrestlemania and end up causing the belt to land in Bryan’s hands and this whole thing to be set up as an elaborate ruse.
AJ is the most compelling character man or woman on WWE TV right now, its a pity they can’t let her have an match every now and then.
Right, it’s upsetting that she’s getting TV time as “wrestler’s girlfriend” and not as “wrestler”.
At least she not getting exposure as “the hoeski” or as “eye candy”.
Well in addition to the character she is providing eye-candy as well. It’s gotten to the point where when she shows up on screen I physically, mentally, and emotionally don’t know how to react. I usually just end up in my underwear in the corner crying. Most monday nights are weird for me.
↑ I like the cut of your jib.
Don’t you like powerful women Waydiddy23? AJ loves powerful women, haha.
when she said that I did a double-take, digested it, and then began to feel this world is a now a better place
I think it will (hopefully) play out somewhere along those lines. AJ is purposely sabotaging all claimers to Bryan’s title like some pinfall-inducing black widow.
I’m already antsy for part 2!
Me too
Great job on Part One. You’re right about the “not enough fat guys”. I have a bit of a thing for them for some reason. In other words, I swoon for Kevin Steen in the same way I swoon for Ziggler. Don’t ask…Totally agree that D Bry was the best part of the whole Punk/Bryan thing. Also, the way AJ was sitting in the ring is “Cris Cross Applesauce” Much better than “Indian Style”
Congratulations on winning the hearts of 80% of the internet with that comment.
Which part? The one about how Kevin Steen of all people gives me tingly lady parts? I thought that would frighten most people…
I think he meant it would win the internet since most wrestling fans who frequent the internets look more like Steen than they do Ziggler.
“[Khali] looks like the fake octopus Bela Lugosi wrestled.”
Excellent. =D
I agree that the C.M. Punk character has been riding the goodwill of one godamned promo for nearly an entire year, now. Also, I think it’s funny how the WWE thinks that I have forgotten that Punk climbed the exact same ladder and stepped on all of the exact same rungs that Bryan is stepping on now.
CM Punk seems like the worst improv partner ever.
It’s never “Yes, and…” with him. He’s always blocking offers and changing the focus of the scene. He’d never make it out of the Second City Conservatory program.
I’d love to see Punk and Triple H stonewall each other for hours at an improv show.
Woof, these 3 hour RAWs are going to be brutal. But man, i’m totally in line with you on these bests/worsts. I guess Kane/Bryan/Punk needs some kind of drama to make it interesting and not just “two talented guys rolling around Kane”. But hell, the way they’re writing AJ is almost painful. It’ll be interesting sorta to see how this plays out on the ppv.
Someone should come up with a chart of WWE’s power structure. “Guys that Can Make Matches” will be like 90% of the people on TV.
first time poster to this fine column. Just wanted to say how much I love the B&W’s and that they have shown me a different side to wrestling fandom that I immensely enjoy reading on a weekly basis. Although I don’t agree with everything you say, I’d figure I agree on most. I am a giant CM Punk fan, but even I agree that I’d rather he just focus on the Best in the World aspect and not camera-smirk when anyone said anything to him ever. “I have the belt and you don’t, come and try and take it”, which may seem like a simple part of a character, but it’s one I buy easier and allows them to add layers of a feud or character on top of it. It’s one of the reasons I like Sheamus, the “I’m big, strong and the champion let’s fight and settle it” character.
Welcome aboard!
And instead of Best In The World CM Punk wouldn’t you rather have Straight Edge Savior CM Punk?
…that. I want that back.
Welcome to the board. :-D BTW, would much rather have Straight Edge Society Punk myself.
that package does include Jared Fogle, right?
Oh believe me I would. I have had images of AJ as the new Serena bouncing around my head. It would be such an amazingly fast and bizarre turn from his current character it would be even funnier to see and hear people’s reactions. In lieu of that I’d be perfectly happy with July-August of 2011 Punk, when (minus THHHis Business’s involvement) he was feuding with Cena at MITB and SSlam under the “whoever has the belt” is best in the world feud.
Is it whoever or whomever?
SES Punk only *really* works he if has a druggie like Hardy to play off of. Who would SES Punk feud with in 2012? Orton, I guess?
Yes, Orton. Or with the audience and just getting a chance to be a smarmy asshole.
When Punk came out a few weeks ago and said that he never shoved his straight edge lifestyle down anyone’s throat I almost kicked a hole through my television.
I never really dug when Punk would “convert” plants in the audience, and go on and on about “Straight Edge means I’m better than you” stuff. It was too much like the stereotypical “THESE PEOPLE” heel who’s just getting cheap heat and not being all that creative. And in the hands of someone less talented than Punk, it would’ve been as one-note as Del Rio’s “Destiny” promo that he recited about 100 times.
Also, I was afraid they were going to take Bryan in that direction. When Smackdown was in Omaha (beef country, of course) he cut a promo about not having the diseases that all YOU PEOPLE have, b/c he’s vegan.
…It’s *true,* and it was funny, but it’s a one-note promo.
It’s a little one note, but it also explains why he’s a condescending jackass to everyone. Now he’s just a condescending jackass to everyone because he’s the best in the world? Or something?
I don’t know, I like seeing wrestlers actually portray people who care about things and how those things mean something to them.
Plus, I fucking hate Jeff Hardy.
But I think it goes back to Brandon’s point. SES Punk was a heel through and through, but the character believed what he said, which in most cases is the antithesis of cheap heat which is cheap for that reason, that you don’t mean it, it isn’t a character trait.
Which I feel was creative because he was a heel who got booed because he said drugs were bad, the only heel-ness was him claiming moral superiority
Yeah, one of the things that really bothers me about people of my generation is that no one seems to believe anything anymore. People are too cool to have things that they actually believe and care about, instead relying on irony and sarcasm to mindlessly laugh at everything and everyone around them.
I want people on my wrestling show to have real beliefs. I want these beliefs to come into conflict. I want these conflicts to play out and matter.
Punk really believes in being straight edge (and he has the shitty tattoos to prove it) and I loved it when he made that matter. Now all Punk believes is that he’s the coolest and bestest wrestler ever. That’s not enough.
“Yeah, one of the things that really bothers me about people of my generation is that no one seems to believe anything anymore. People are too cool to have things that they actually believe and care about, instead relying on irony and sarcasm to mindlessly laugh at everything and everyone around them.
I want people on my wrestling show to have real beliefs. I want these beliefs to come into conflict. I want these conflicts to play out and matter.
Punk really believes in being straight edge (and he has the shitty tattoos to prove it) and I loved it when he made that matter. Now all Punk believes is that he’s the coolest and bestest wrestler ever. That’s not enough.”
This. That entire thing. I’ll admit, I’ll do the same crap every now and again, but that’s more my sense of humor than anything else.
But yeah, no one wants to believe in anything anymore. I wonder why that is…
*leaves comments and ponders*
What if Kofi came back as a devout Rastafarian and his finisher was called FIRE ‘PON BABYLON
RE: Punk/Bryan:
1. Bryan’s half of the promo was definitely better. He had something to say.
2. Punk’s concept of “selling out” is pretty weak, if he considers the “YES” shirt a sellout. But that being said…
3. “Punk wore Hunter’s jacket” is the worst possible reason to dislike someone. When Punk did commentary before the Nexus angle started, he wore a jacket. Because wrestlers usually wear their gear when they’re on commentary (or a freaking Affiliction shirt, if it’s Lawler). Punk either a) wanted to look like he should be there, or b) was doing it tongue-in-cheek, like “haha, look, a wrestler in a blazer.”
…So when he wore Hunter’s jacket, it wasn’t “Hey daddy, can I wear your jacket like a big boy?” It was a jokey call-back to months earlier. And either way, why the fuck should I care if he jokingly wanted to wear a jacket? Jesus.
4. What was Punk going to “pipe bomb” Bryan about, anyway? What if Punk had really pipe-bombed him with this: “You’re only popular because you lost a match in 18 seconds, and the fans felt so sorry for you that they chanted your catchphrase. If not for that, you’d *maybe* be wrestling Santino on the PPV.”
Would that really have been better than calling him “goat face?” Instead, the crowd (and Bryan) got a cheap laugh, WWE got a trend, and life goes on.
I’m on your side in this. Basically, a year ago, Punk was on his way out, Daniel Bryan was languishing in the midcard, and AJ was occasionally appearing on Smackdown to be cannon fodder for Beth and Natalya. Now, all three are on the big show, and part of the main event. And that means, unfortunately, that as the face, Punk has to act like a WWE face, and be “funny and awesome.” But I’d rather have him being the one to do that than oh, I don’t know, Mason Ryan.
The thing is, I can’t even tell you how excited I was to see that the three of them were actually going to get to talk this week. How many in-ring promos have Punk/Bryan gotten since their feud started? One? So I’ll take what I can get from them. …AJ’s not great on the mic, but her facial expressions and body language are stellar.
Backing you up on this 100%— I think I get why Brandon is so down on Punk. He was the first one of the fabled “indie darlings” to really really break through and it seemed like he was going to do things his way, and then he didn’t, and continued not to. At the time, D-Bry seemed unlikely to break up to this level or to stay at it, especially in light of Michael Cole shitting on him every week.
So here was Punk, who has the ability to break out and be different…being the same.
The sad fact is that pretty much everyone is better or more interesting as a heel (Michaels, Cena, Punk… I could go on forever). And the guy who’s an underdog or has something to prove is also a more compelling character. Punk isn’t either of those anymore. So his mic work suffers, and he gets kind of unlikable (especially since WWE faces seemingly *have* to act a certain way).
I’m not a really smart guy or anything, but I think saying “Punk wore Hunter’s jacket” is what some would call symbolism. Yes, Punk wore HHH’s jacket. That is OK because people get cold and just sitting down in an arena with underwear on gets cold if you aren’t moving around.
You know, what? No. I’m not going to explain this. You seem like a good guy, but you’ll just have to trust me when I say that Moby Dick is about more than a guy who hunts a whale, Light in August is about more than a guy of mixed race, and Blood Meridian is about more than guys murdering Native Americans.
I think it’s symbolism if a person *wants* it to be symbolism. What does it symbolize? Hunter passing the torch to Punk? No. I guess some folks here think it symbolizes Punk being Hunter’s lapdog. And I just don’t understand that.
Punk cloaked himself in the greasy threads of THIS BUSINESS for he found the truth to be far too cold in just his underpants of righteousness.
Also, he was one of 3 dudes who thought HHH was doing a bang-up job running Raw, so he’s totally a doofus.
Last night was the first time that Punk has pissed me off and I’ll get into it more in my post but it’s because he should be better than the pandering face bullshit that Cena does.
Buzz, this isn’t about indie darlings or selling out or any of that bullshit.
Tell me with a straight face that CM Punk of today is anywhere near as compelling, interesting, funny, intelligent, or just plain entertaining as he was when he feuded with Jeff Hardy. You can’t do it.
If you’ve read this column for more than a month you also know that Brandon, and most people here, made a game out of shitting on the Big Show. He was boring, racist, fat, stupid, boring, fat, and just awful. He made everything worse.
Then they gave Big Show something to do and Brandon, and many here, came around to him because they finally found an angle and story that worked with Big Show but also made for a coherent and logical story. I don’t think many here are going to go out and buy Big Show shirts, but no one has been shitting on him now that he’s doing something interesting.
It cuts both ways, though. CM Punk was great and Brandon and people here said so. Now he’s not, so instead of making excuses and just forgiving him for all of his wrong doings we instead hold him to a higher standard. The only people who don’t do that are fucking Jeff Hardy fans. Don’t be a fucking Jeff Hardy fan and just make excuses for him because he appeals to the white trash part of your heart.
No, it symbolizes that Punk is going to do the same fucking thing HHH does: get a big following, be mostly mediocre with some moments of greatness, and be the coolest and smartest and funniest kid on the block who eventually buries everyone that gets in the ring against him.
OK, agreed. But you’ve described a lot of WWE faces, not just Punk. It sucks that Punk couldn’t escape that, but… well, he couldn’t.
It really is crazy when you take a step back and track Punk’s journey, at least regarding HHH from last June. He begins with calling him a doofus, then drops nasally pipe bombs about testicles in handbags, then it’s “gee, golly, gosh, can I really wear your blazer, can I really, huh, can I?”
But the white trash part of my heart likes Joe Dirt and Twinkies and reads that tumblr about people that shop at wal-mart for fashion tips. /hack material.
No, Punk isn’t as compelling. I’m not arguing he is. I’m saying I think the reason Brandon was SO high and then SO down on Punk (when the OP is asking Brandon, basically, why he’s so down on Punk) is because Punk was the first of the ROH-veteran, indie guys to break through.
I def see your point about Big Show. It’ll be interesting to what the sentiment is about Kofi when they finally give him something to do.
If you think Brandon’s opinions are so intellectually dishonest and shallow why do you bother to read the column? I’m not trying to say that to be mean, but I’m serious. I don’t read tons of other websites because I don’t like where their opinions come from (or the opinions themselves, oftentimes) so I don’t read them. Why are you reading Brandon’s if his opinions are so transparent and shallow?
I’m pretty much over Brandon not liking this version of Punk. I mean, not over it (obviously), but I get it. My main thing this time was actually buried at #4, and hasn’t been addressed. What kind of pipe bomb could Punk have dropped on Bryan that wouldn’t have made people dislike Punk even more? Someone in Punk’s position more or less shooting on Bryan would have been the definition of burial. It would have been like Vince’s backstage segment with Bryan, which was fucking awful.
1) “Bryan, we’ve been friends for a long time and I don’t understand why you hurt AJ the way you have. That’s really mean because she’s such a sweet person who deserves someone that can respect her and appreciate that. I know this is business and everyone wants to be champion, but just know that I’m going to kick your fucking head off because of how you treated her.”
2) Or invent an actual reason for a feud instead of, “I’m CM Punk and am better and cooler than you.”
3) Something something Nexus something New Nexus something something?
1) Logic? Yes. Pipe bomb? No. No top WWE face has been that much of a boy scout since Kurt Angle, and he was actually a heel at the time.
2) This would have been the correct answer. Might be too much to ask on the last Raw before the PPV. And too much to ask from Creative in 2012.
3) Something about having great matches while Bryan was choking announcers with their ties? There could be something there.
1st of all, +1 to THESTINGER for that line about appealing to the white trash part of your heart. I fully intend to use this line on my boss the next time he tries to argue with me about how Jimmie Johnson is better than Dale Earnhardt.
2nd, I still like Punk, but I haven’t been impressed with how he talks to people lately. Punk’s whole character turn last Summer was based on him getting in people’s faces and saying the things that needed to be said. Vince doesn’t care about the fans, Cena’s become the franchise he claims to hate, and HHH is a power-tripping dickhead who used his influence to always be viewed as the coolest guy around. If you look at Punks promos over the last several months, he doesn’t do that anymore. The longer he remains WWE champion, the more he evolves into the typical babyface that WWE likes to showcase. Bryan got in Punk’s face on Raw and told him what was what. Punk HAS changed, and in my eyes not for the better. In spite of how he’s treated AJ, Bryan comes off as the good guy here, because Punk’s started acting hokey.
3rd, W/L is a place where we can all have opinions and not result to being hurtful, so play nice everyone!
Stinger, I don’t think all Brandon’s opinions are shallow. In fact, I don’t even think this one is shallow and dishonest. All I was saying is that, despite the reasons you provide, his opinions was somewhat influenced by him being a huge fan of the guy before all the pipe-bomb business. It’s akin to how disappointed I’ll be when Community inevitably falters without Dan Harmon at the helm and Ashton Kutcher starts guest starring.
The thing is, even if Brandon’s opinions WERE shallow and dishonest muck, it would at least be well written, humorous, and engaging muck. There’s not too many other dudes out there like that writing about my favorite pastime.
You’re right about how we need more old/ugly men/women in wrestling, but I think that’s just American TV in general. Just once I’d like to see a fat woman on TV with a character trait that’s something other than “heh, she’s a fat lady!”
Agreed!
Which happens first Ziggler has a Legit more than a night WWE or WHC title reign or Cody Rhodes gets a WWE or WHC title shot?
Serious, non-sarcastic answer (I promise): We like them for a while, then they change, we don’t think they’re quite as cool anymore, and we get disappointed in how their career has progressed.
…This really only applies if either of them turn face. If they manage to stay heels– which is probably a safe bet for Cody for the time being– it’ll be OK.
Cody. Cody is the future and the WWE knows it. I think Ziggler could be as well, but I don’t get the sense that the WWE believes it yet.
I like Sheamus as a face. I thought his face turn was rad and am sad it never had closure as his feud with Mark Henry could have been awesome.
Whoops. I misread that. I thought the question was “what happens WHEN…” Because I’m still optimistic that they will both happen.
To answer the actual question: yeah, probably Cody.
To rehash a comment from last nights open thread: “Would the (WHC) hinder Dolph’s ability to asscape?”
Maybe? I think he’d just throw it over his shoulder like a boss and not wear it around his waist.
Since Dolph usually wears shirts around his waist, I imagine he’ll wear his belt like a garter.
Cesaro needs to win a belt, so can wear it like one of his thigh wraps. …OK, no. But he *should* win a belt sooner rather than later.
Johnny Nitro and Joey Mercury were able to wear the old tag team belts like dick extensions, so I’m sure Ziggler could engineer a way to make a golden asscape out of the WHC.
“That’s not selling, that’s a guy bleeding from the face, trying not to roll his eyes back, collapse and yell JESUS CROIST FELLA.”
I believe that first word is pronounced JAYZUS
i do believe you are correct.
JAYZUS CROIST THE LAIRD AN’ SAHVYER
Even from the somewhat cheap seats you could see some of the blood and bruising. I was impressed by that.
1) Last night was the first time that I’ve been irritated by CM Punk Halpert-ing all over the ring and it’s because he reminded us of last year. Brandon said last week that wrestling 90% writes itself and it does. Punk doesn’t have to be a smarmy douche to Laurinaitis because Punk’s a face, he can say that he doesn’t trust Laurinaitis because Laurinaitis tried to screw Punk out of the title last summer and he’s a glad-handing-yes-man-douche. There! Motivation! And it pisses me off that every damn WWE baby face has to be a dickish bully.
2) I wish Daniel Bryan had completely no sold being called “Goat Face” and come back with “Yeah, I may have a Goat Face, but I’m a killer. Just call me the Goat Face Killer”. Now, this couldn’t have happened because about 3 people would have gotten the pun and I don’t think you can say Killer on TV-PG WWE but I totally would have bought a Daniel Bryan shirt with “YES!” on the front and him as a cartoon goat on the back.
I am loving how the crowds can’t decide how they want really want to react to the Daniel Bryan Question and Answer time. Half the crowd shouting YES along with him and half shouting NO, but only half heartedly. Its like they want to shout YES, but then remember they are supposed to like him. Although how anyone can resist shouting YES over and over is beyond me.
Brandon, instead of writing about every segment on a 3 hour Raw, why not axe a few segments? Vince McMahon interacting with Hornswoggle and The Funkettes could have been chopped as it wasn’t all that important to the show.
” I don’t want to pull the “WWE Universe can’t handle a woman of color who isn’t a monster” card, but damn, she’s about a thousand shoot times more gorgeous than an average woman, she’s got a legitimate personality and she can do things like hop from the bottom rope to the second rope and back for a crossbody without killing herself.”
Well said and I agree. It’s nice to know someone else out there is championing Layla is an entertaining wrestler. Sadly, race and sexism plays a role in all this. If only Lawler could get fired, as it starts with him
Lets just agree that CM Punk has crossed over to the Dark Side. In a Raw that had two segments involving himself, Daniel Bryan, AJ and Kane, Punk is the one person I don’t remember much about last night. Kane made more of an impression with me than CM Punk did! Are we living in the end times or something?!
I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I’m starting to like Kane.
i prefer stand-up comedian kane, but this version is good, too.
It takes either very good control or a obscene amount of tranquilizers for him not to react to what AJ did to him last night.
Anyone that knows me knows that I legit hate Ron Paul people, so even if Kane Cruiserweight Champion Jericho or Surfer Gimmick Sting I would still hate his fucking guts.
But, yeah, he seems more mobile and alright lately plus he’s managing to not make me hate this feud. I don’t like Kane, but I’ve not yelled at my TV in a while because of him, either.
He was in floods of tears when Big Show was run over last year, but completely emotionless last night. It’s hard not to love that.
For whatever reason, I was always a Kane fan growing up. I’m enjoying seeing him in this storyline because he is fighting 2 people who tried to use him as a pawn, as opposed to fighting people for no reason.
Kane’s pipe bombs are actually pipe bombs. Except they’re not, they’re really just terrorizing McMahons and/or an announcer and/or a priest.
I think it’s because Kane is the closest thing this feud has to a face. He took exception to Bryan and Punk manipulating him into doing their dirty work, and now he wants to kick their asses.
Meanwhile Daniel Bryan is an arrogant jackass (Excusable because he’s actually supposed to be a heel) and CM Punk is a guy who exploits the psychologically ill for his own benefits. It’s kind of hard not to root for Kane from a moral perspective.
My Dad took me to Unforgiven 1997 and we had front row seats. I was nine years old and Kane stumbled past me with his arm on fucking fire. That shit blew my mind as a kid, and I’ve been a fan ever since. I think I even remember crying when X-Pac turned on him. To be clear though, I only like Kane in a mask.
Another first time poster and lover of B&W here. Maybe it’s because I’m from Chicago and I have a soft spot for him or because the hype from Punk’s promo is what got me back into watching wrestling in the first place, but I don’t get the level of CM Punk hate every week.
Obviously, I wish CM Punk would be cutting shoot promos on the company and his opponents every week and doing things a la last summer. But WWE “faces” don’t rip the company or say things like that. They are generic, good-way, “lol u mad?” characters. And I’m personally just happy that, since someone has to do it, at least it’s CM Punk and not 20 more minutes of Jern.
He needs to be chasing the belt, in my opinion, to get some of that edge back. But the fact of the matter is, he can go in the ring better than 90% of the roster and has been the champion for long enough where he SHOULDN’T have anything to complain about or shoot on.
I know, Brandon, that D-Bry is your clear favorite and understand you’re frustrated with Punk. But you get your favorite wrestler in a main event feud with another great indy circuit alum, all the while the main focus of the feud is your favorite female in the biz. It could be better, sure, but after watching BBQ-Gate last week, it could be so so so so so so so much worse.
Welcome aboard and I totally respect where you’re coming from. I’m still a fan of Sting and get excited when he’s on TV, but I also know that I probably shouldn’t be anymore.
I have to disagree with your assertion that Punk is a better wrestler than most people.
Here’s a short list of people I think are objectively better than CM Punk in the ring:
Daniel Bryan
Hunico
Alberto Del Rio
Wade Barrett
Cody Rhodes
Dolph Ziggler
Tyson Kidd
Antonio Cesaro
Christian
Chris Jericho
Part of that is that I think the WWE has some of the best talent ever and their roster may be better now than at any point (even if they aren’t using anyone well, you have to admit they got some amazing people now), but, yeah, CM Punk is a good wrestler. He’s not a great wrestler, and that’s okay because when he’s allowed to do something interesting and good it can make me care so much that he can step up and deliver a great match that can culminate a great feud. Day to day, though, he’s nothing special.
I agree that the typical WWE babyface isn’t supposed to say the things Punk usually says. However, it’s a massive, glaring mistake for nobody to realize that Punk got people to like him in part for his abrasive personality and his against the grain talking points. He could have still been cheered while deriding people, but WWE is full of idiots and dead plants.
That’s an interesting list. I agree with a lot of them. Although it’s hard for me to say “better than” in some cases. When it’s close, I’ve just got to say “as good as.”
Wade Barrett? Really? I’m not totally disagreeing, but I guess I haven’t seen anything that great yet. I do like him though. And Christian… OK, if you’re talking ring psycology, building from past matches, then yes, he’s great. But damn, some of his moves take so long to develop. Not even talking about the Killswitch. That kick through the ropes in the corner is painfully slow.
I don’t disagree, Guitar. In some cases it’s close, sure, but I think my point works out: CM Punk is a fine wrestler but I’m tired of people defending his shitty new character because he’s a “great wrestler”. He’s not a great wrestler, he’s good and all but let’s not get carried away.
I agree, Lobster, that his character is now is pretty much the antithesis of the CM Punk that got so over last summer. Triple H returning and inserting himself into a top feud definitely killed Punk’s momentum, not to mention taking the belt off him, on him, off him, on him.
He definitely has hit a stale patch and needs to get screwed over and lose the belt because everything has just been too hunky-dory for him the last 7-8 months and it has definitely shined through on his character.
I’m not trying to defend his new character, just that WWE has forgotten (or is just being lazy) how to write their “faces” and made all their “heel” characters seem pretty awesome in comparison. And it’s sad that they have turned CM Punk into this. I’m rambling.
I just want to know that if you think CM Punk has gotten stale in less than a year, how have you been able to stand the last 8-9 years of John Cena? (I’m not being snarky, just seriously want to know. Cause I’m already sick of it)
“What was Punk going to “pipe bomb” Bryan about, anyway? What if Punk had really pipe-bombed him with this: “You’re only popular because you lost a match in 18 seconds, and the fans felt so sorry for you that they chanted your catchphrase. If not for that, you’d *maybe* be wrestling Santino on the PPV.”
YES. Thats exactly what he should have said. Make it personal, make me believe that the pressures of being a “sports entertainer” in the biggest market, chasing titles will turn lambs into lions and friends into foes.
I’m suspending disbelief when I watch wrestling, so add stuff in that makes it more “real”. I want to see CM Punk and Daniel Bryan get extremely personal on each other so it seems like these guy are going to tear each other apart. It’s why Bret v Shawn worked so well: They actually hated each other. It’s why Stan Hansen v Vader was an awesome match: cause they were actually beating the shit out of each other, and it’s why the nWo was such a great faction of heels: cause they were actual asshole that thought they were better than everyone else.
Hunico, Stinger?! Have you really seen enough of him to say he is a better wrestler than Punk? From FCW and when they let him wrestle in WWE he looks like a good wrestler, but I wouldn’t say better than Punk. I also wouldn’t say Jericho is better than him anymore.
I didn’t take issue with Hunico being on that list before, but after looking at it again, I have to agree with Shark.
Maybe he was great in Mexico, but he hasn’t shown anything in WWE. I’m not saying WWE is the be-all-end-all, but part of being a *great* wrestler is being able to have good matches with people of all shapes, sizes, and talent levels.
…Look at Taz in ECW vs Tazz in WWE. I loved Taz, but he sucked in WWE, because the wrestling style is different (that’s an important distinction), and most of the guys on the roster were just big enough that they couldn’t be tossed around like rag dolls like he did to most of the ECW roster.
The internet can shut the hell up! I hope Ryback NEVER stops killing nobodies. I’m super entertained by it.
I agree. I hope Creative has a white board where they’re just writing down funny names for jobbers so this will never have to stop.
Dear WWE,
If you come out with a Ryback shirt that is cool (meaning doesn’t make me feel like a fucking loser if I wear it because I’m an adult male with a grown up job) and Ryback is still squashing juggalos I promise to buy that shirt.
Sincerely,
THESTINGER
THESTINGER, how crazy would you go if the next pair of Rybackian jobbers are named after captains of industry, tycoons, and the like?
Morgan and Rockefeller gonna get squished!
Co-Sign!
I would like that very much, Lobster Mobster. Ryback should be defending the heroic proletariat against their cruel bourgeois expropriators. Death to the capitalist! Glory to the working class!
Side note: Is there ANY wwe shirt that doesn’t look stupid in front of people that aren’t wrestling fans, but can be immediately recognized by another wrestling fan? Dolph’s shirt comes closest in my opinion, if you wear a jacket to cover the stupid “IF YOU BACK IT UP” on the back.
Shirts that just have a logo don’t look too bad around non-wrestling fans. Like Punk’s Nexus shirt (or the better, non-yellow one before it), or maybe the original DX shirt, if you cover the back.
Or I suppose one of Orton’s Affliction-esque shirts are OK. I wouldn’t wear them, but a non-wrestling fan might not even notice it.
Also, a Ryback shirt is almost certainly going to look terrible. Something that tries to be scary, like Lesnar’s tattoo shirt, with “RYBACK” in huge letters. Then everyone asks “What the hell is a Ryback?” And you have to say “Um… well, it’s… never mind.”
If it was a “FEED. ME. MORE!!” slogan’d shirt it could work.
Yeah, a Ryback shirt makes itself.
[i.imgur.com]
I’m kind of a fat guy(kind of like Roy Nelson) and that would be hilarious.
The WWE should have an intern program that’s just having people being fustigated by Ryback for college credit.
Agreed Stinger. I only own one wrestling shirt (the white Punk shirt from last summer) and I have a YES shirt from BSW coming my way, I don’t know how often I’ll wear them to non-wrestling events because it’s kind of weird (and they’re also expensive, so I don’t want to wear them out or get them dirty)
If people can wear t-shirts with rubbish like CALIFORNIA SURF CLUB MUSIC KINGS 1947 on them, I can wear my tasteful JBL t-shirt any day.
Best for Johnny to Sheamus: “You stay right here… (thinkthinkthink) because I’m gonna go in back and find an opponent… (hampsterwheelspinning) whose going to make you sorry… (hampsterexplodes) that you said those things about me.” and then everyone legit LOL’ing on camera/mic.
Waiting for the rest of this article is like getting controllers for a new game system for Xmas then not getting the console until everyone else unrwrapped all their presents and then you had to go on a scavenger hunt for the last box. Vader is the Yokohama Game Sphere in this analogy.
I can understand the backlash for Punk to a point, but isn’t it kind of absurd to freak the fuck out because his character isn’t what we wanted it to be? He’s doing his job.
No.
I’m not going to freak out about it, I’m just… disappointed.
I’m completely disappointed as well- but that’s as far as I’ll take it.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, “freak the fuck out” is a little strong. I still very much enjoy what he does between the bells. It’s the character that I’m starting to dislike.
No? I’m not calling his job performance into question, I think the TV character I’m presented every week sucks. And the column is what I like and don’t like about Raw.
okay well I’m calling his shitty elbow into question, but other than that
Meh, Punk seems to be one of those “this isn’t a character, it’s who I am” types, and if that’s the case, he is pretty unlikeable. If he’s going to claim that he’s the “voice of the voiceless” and have a Rosie the fucking Riveter tattoo on his arm, you bet I’m going to hold him to a higher standard than most whenever he makes sexist comments about AJ’s mental stability.
@Brandon comment wasn’t directed at you- just at everyone that have gone crazy over it. I think the backwards character development is atrocious, but I guess I’m holding out hope that creative gets their heads out of their asses and realize how they’ve screwed up. I know it’ll be a heel turn, and I’m all for it.
I also love that at some point wwe creative said “fuck it, let’s just acknowledge that Big Johnny botches his promos all the time, and have Cole and Lawler laugh at him for it”. It feels realistic.
If you’re worrying about Liv Tyler’s non-matching underwear, you’re doing it wrong. God I had a thing for her. Can’t count how many times I’ve seen that movie, Stealing Beauty, and Inventing the Abbots.
I hope next week when Michael Cole starts promoting their sponsors we see a bitter Jerry Lawler just go off on Domino’s Pizza. “I’M STILL WAITING ON MY PIZZA DOMINO’S! YOU KNOW WHAT WWE UNIVERSE? JUST GO TO PIZZA HUT, INSTEAD!”.
“See? I told you Domino’s would come. Just like I said! They’re gonna bring us food. And water. And smite our enemies!”
King: That’s not Domino’s Pizza!
Cole: What do you think, I just slapped a Domino’s Pizza uniform on some wino?
Little Ceasars Pizza Delivery Guy: Yeah King, I am so a Domingo’s Pizza employee!
King: I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq. But I can say, without hyperbole, not getting my pizza is a million times worse than all three of those things put together.
I bet Josh Matthews stole his Domino’s Pizza. That guy is a dick.
Domino’s: You told me that you broke Jerry Lawler’s will!
Cole: I thought I did-
Domino’s: YOU BROKE NOTHING!!!
@ Arrested Developmental
According to JR: “King’s Domino’s Pizza was delivered backstage last night and apparently @wwejoshmathews ate it. Josh is a big JR’s Beef Jerky fan. The Domino’s thing is more good product placement by WWE. Smart marketing by Domino’s.”
So he is just a little creep.
This is the worst way to read a Best and Worst.
Read a page.
REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH
Read.
REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH
Ad money. Ad money. Ad money.
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
+MILLIONSOFDOLLARS
Millions of dollars were in the Superstars segment before Raw, but they didn’t use the catchphrase and I was the only person in my area to shout it out.
Ryback needs a manager named Seymour, just so he can start yelling “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!”
/rim shot
+Audrey2
Maybe “AJ is crazy” is way less rewarding as “AJ is a wrestler”, but she plays the crazy woman near perfection. Really helped me to go through the 3 hours.
It’s not cheating if I’m on the WWE RAW Open Discussion Thread one day AND on the “NBA Finals – Game 1 Open Discussion Thread” the next, is it? I don’t think I’m a cheater/hoeski…
not at all! I’m still waiting on getting the badge!
Nope. I know Lobster Mobster is big on MMA and goes over there for the chats, so you’re good.
You should be participating in all parts of the site at all times! I’m the editor of the whole thing, I don’t just write a wrestling column.
Yeah, everyone should comment on everything (especially MMA, even more especially if you don’t know what’s going on) here.
Sounds good, and I hope everyone stops by to talk pro b-ball & get the Boshtrich Badge. It’s glorious! :)
So knowing that Big Show is going to beat Cena in the steel cage (since they are not going to be firing Big Johnny) means they only match worth watching at No Way Out will be the WWE Championship match right? Do we really need to pay $60 for that?
WHC between Sheamus/Ziggler should be fun, especially since Ziggler looks legit dead when hit with the brogue kick
Oh shit you guys, Vader was an Engineer!
BUT WHY DID HE CHANGE HIS MIND? WHY DOES HE HATE US NOW?!?
Tonight the part of Vince McMahon will be played by Guy Pearce.
I thought Heath Slater was the poor mans Heath Slater
I though Heath Slater was insider slang for “wrestler about to be released”.
Heath Slater is great, and right behind Ziggler on a list of WWE wrestler selling.
Stop shitting on Heath Slater. The best matches in the WWE that have not involved Daniel Bryan this year have been on NXT and Superstars and Slater has been a big part of a few of them. Him and Tyson Kidd look stupid but they both can go better than CM Punk.
“Go better than CM Punk” is a little much. Say what you will about Punk being horrible on mic (he is) but he’s still a better wrestler than most of the WWE’s roster.
Tyson Kidd is like 10 times better than Punk in the ring, at least.
Was Kidd in ROH or something? I’m guessing he wrestled somewhere before WWE, b/c a 5 minute match on NXT wouldn’t make him 10 times better than anybody. [Serious question followed by snarky comment. Where did he wrestle that he put on these clinics?]
He’s been killing it on Superstars and NXT for months. He had a killer 12-ish minute match with McGillicutty on NXT that is one of my favorite matches of the year. Trust me, having long matches doesn’t mean you’re good.
I hate Heath Slater and I’ll continue to for the extended future
I saw Slater cut a pretty good promo at a Smackdown taping a few months ago (not sure if it got on TV anywhere). The guy’s got some personality, but he needs a haircut, or a wig, or a mask, or something. His look will hold him back forever.
NXT and Superstars consistently present a better in-ring product than SmackDown or RAW. It’s an objective fact.
I’ve never seen NXT, I don’t even know when it’s on; all I know is Heath Slater is and always will be the One Man Southern Job Squad until he’s finally cut. I’ve never seen him do anything worth paying attention to on RAW or Smackdown.
that is a terrible way to watch wrestling
Slater is invaluable as enhancement talent and there’s nothing wrong with that. He makes anyone he’s facing look ten times better.
You know who else can sell like a motherfucker and make his opponents look like studs? Drew goddamn McIntyre. The dude is a hoss in diguise and his continued stay in lower-card Hell is probably the most frustrating misuse of talent in the company.
Tyson Kidd might be my favorite WWE in-ring guy. I can’t really think of many that are really, truly better. He looks good, makes others look good… They need to get belts on some heels so they can mix shit up and give some of the lower card faces a shot.
Tyson Kidd was the last graduate of the Hart Dungeon. Can you name anyone who came out of there that was not good? Really watch Kidd wrestle and you will see he deserves more time than he’s getting.
Tyson Kidd yea, but there is no way Heath Slater is better than CM Punk. Heath is a great seller, but I don’t get all the love many of you have for him.
Is it wrong that I stared at the gif of AJ skipping around Kane for about three minutes?
That just means you are doing it right.
I’m not sure the length of my view, for some reason the battery stopped working and cannot confirm the length of my view.
Did Cole mark out for Vader during his entire match? I thought he sounded shoot happy to see him.
Yes, and I loved it!
Same here, it was cool to see another side of the guy.
Unrelated, but I saw this on memebase today:
“I’m Kingler, the motherfuckin’ mingler,
I’m a pimp, all the ladies love my tingler,
Graduated from a small fry to the king of the sea,
My Crabhammer crushes every n**** that stands against me,
left claw got 10,000 horsepower of pure brute force,
Wanna talk shit? Well come to tha’ fuckin’ source!
230 base attac, go ahead and try it,
COME AT ME BRO, this crab’s about to get violent…….. /drops mic/”
I think we all can agree that we need more pokemon raps.
I can just imagine a Magikarp rap that ends with:
You may have won now, I may need stiches,
But wait for Level 20, y’all be my bitches!
Things you realize while waiting for Best and Worst to update: MVP’s WWE theme was about totally ejaculating. I don’t know if I can embed videos but here’s the opening lyrics.
One…two…you hear the clock ticking
Tick…tock…you about to stop living (okay that line doesn’t really work)
Tick…tock…I want you to remember me (!!)
But the day don’t have no memory
I’M CUMMING!!!
Nobody can stop me
Nobody can hold me
Nobody control me
I’m here to do my thing…
I meant to say “totally about ejaculating” but “about TOTALLY ejaculating” is probably way funnier.
In case it hasn’t been said, I need to emphasize how much I loved that one of Ryback’s victims wasn’t just named Rutherford Hayes– he introduced himself as Rutherford *P.S.* Hayes.
I’m sure only about 10% of the viewing audience got it, but I laughed.
Dok Hendrix laughed!
Holy sh*t.
I did it.
Welcome to the club.
::hands you a vegan cigar:: (that’s a thing, right?)
My life suddenly has meaning.
A good vegan wouldn’t smoke at all, because of all the shit that goes along with smoking.
What would you quantify your vegan level currently at, B-Stro?
(puff, puff)
Mmmm…..kasha?
Laughed so hard I almost went into labor when you were describing Vader getting up. This sounds WAY too much like me getting up off the couch or out of bed nowadays.
Great recap, Brandon! I enjoyed last nights show a lot, and along with Vader, Ziggler vs Christian was my favorite part of the night. It’s that back and forth, “NEAR FALL! HOW DID HE KICK OUT!?” that I hope for each Monday, and makes me watch week after week. The way the crowd got behind Ziggler was awesome! I was out of my seat, and I can’t remember doing that in a long time. I hope Ziggler gets more than just a ‘shot’ at the title on Sunday. He is one of the best in the ring, and I want to see him main eventing. And thank you for pointing out just what was wrong with Cena’s promo last night. I complain about him a lot anytime he comes out (It’s repetitive, sorry guys) and I felt like he was mailing it in, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. You summed it up beautifully.
I also agree with all the stuff about the divas. It would be nice to see them actually be taken seriously, as opposed to a bathroom break. Kharma should pull a China, and fued with Jericho for a while. People could believe her beating male opponents. Or find a female Brock Lesnar and just have her should “LEGITIMACY” after every move.
I don’t give a flying shit if AJ’s getting a character. She’s the only female with a discernable character and it’s as a stalker slut. I don’t give WWE the benefit of the doubt here because they’ve never given me reason TO give them the benefit of the doubt. She’s gonna end up being Punk’s cum dumpster, and we’re all going to have aneurysms, except for the people who give you shade for daring to be socially conscious.
I mean, if AJ the psycho slut was one of a cast of varied good and bad character archetypes, she’d rule, especially with the way she’s executing. But there’s no way I can get excited for her when the best she can do in a match is French kiss a necrophile.
I see Big Van Vader was a member of the Brotherhood of Steel
She was sitting criss-cross-applesauce, put your hands inside the jar.
Am I the only one who thinks this leads to a Punk/Bryan double-turn? Punk is a smark, he probably reads this column. He is slowly setting us up for the “You old man, I’m a snake” moment.
Is it me or is the least likely scenario in the WWE title match that AJ actually will help Punk win? She might not cost him the belt but I just don’t see a scenario in which they let her be helpful to Punk. I mean we are talking about the people who booked the cena/big johnny ending that everyone saw coming so who knows. AJ being linked to Punk would not benift her character as much as being linked to Bryan or Kane Would. Being with Kane would mean she could continue to portray instability, while being with Bryan would portray her as a mastermind. AJ backing Punk would make her seem like a damsel in distress who is too blind to see he doesn’t like her the same way. The best outcome would be her messing up everything for all of them just because they all wronged her in some way. Silly me, this WWE that would never happen.
*this is WWE that would never happen.
I bet if withleather kept statistics on gramatical errors in posts I would be the site leader, if you went by a # of errors/ # of posts ratio (I’m not sure thats the correct way to calculate such a percentage.)
but you always immediately correct them, usually with an aggravated curse. So you win.
Great read as usual Brandon, and I seriously LOLed at your point about Rutherford (PS) Hayes getting mic time on RAW. It brought me back to watching WCW Saturday Night, and someone like “Hole-in-One” Barry Darsow or Roadblock would start cutting a promo, and then Scott Hudson would get all pissed like “Why would David Penzer give this goof a mic?!?! He must have greased his palm!” As a teenager who watched too much wrestling in the 90s, the thought of an undercard guy having to bribe an announcer for 30 seconds of mic-time was hilarious beyond belief, and always makes me chuckle.
How great would it be if Kane came out with his old mask that covered his mouth at No Way Out? Cause I think it would be great. “Can’t stop me now, bitch!”
John Cena is still a ruiner.
That last segment is the nightmare of every wrestling fan.
I’m glad everybody liked my Sheamus nicknames, which I generally use during my private couch color commentary for the amusement of my fiance and cat (Along with calling Heath Slater “Strawberry Blondie” and other people other stuff I can’t remember at the moment). Additionally, if you want a more aquatic alternative to “Great White,” might I suggest “Ginger Narwhal” ?
or “Celtic Narwhal.” or “Brogue Beluga.” Really, anything that isn’t “Great White,” which I’m pretty sure is a weird racial thing.
I prefer nicknames not being racist as well, and I like the Celtic Narwal the best. I’d totally buy that shirt if anyone made it.
At least his regulation t-shirt no longer attests to his skin colour and how great it is.
Great write as usual. And to you Brandon, I think your quote of the week that summed up my feelings….”Quicker version: Why the hell did Vince spend 3 hours wandering around backstage trying to bury everyone he could find? “
Santino and Ricardo feuding are like Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite fighting if they didn’t have their powers.
+1
“They should replace Lawler, and have the excuse be that he was so good at Pizza Hero that Domino’s hired him away. Replace him with Scott Stanford, and have a segment where Stanford drags his finger across the back of an iPad and mumbles “is this where you put the hot dog.”
As a casual fan, this was so funny that I immediately Googled Scott Stanford.
Scott Stanford is legitimately one of my top 5 favorite WWE employees.
I enjoyed this one way more than the last few B&W’s for some reason. Maybe because you talked about a lot of things that came up in my mind when I watched, such as:
Bryan owning Punk on the mic, McMahon evaluating Johnny making no sense, how Tensai/Sheamus was an entertaining and hard hitting match, Layla doing stuff, Christian/Ziggler, I even didn’t mind the “preachy” part this time, as I agreed with you this time.
Can the person who wrote that letter about the WWE making fun of Vickie do another one? The JR thing was really offensive and wrong. And I don’t get offended easily.
Seeing the names Willard Fillmore and Rutherford “PS” Hayes when they came down the ramp made me laugh more than anything on Raw in quite a while. I smiled at Stansky and Rosenburg, but this was amazing.
I grew tired of Brodus squashes fast, but Ryback’s are more entertaining. Plus they can build up to 3 jobbers, then 4, before he wrestles real guys.
It is awesome to see AJ being given an interesting role, and seeing her take off with it. Her skipping around Kane was another highlight, and everyone played their parts perfectly. Kane, Punk, Bryan. Well maybe not everyone, they need new announcers.
I still really like Punk, he is one of my favorites, but yea, he has changed. He just makes fun of peoples looks, the pipe bomb thing is dumb, but I can forgive all that. His elbow drop though is pretty terrible. Especially since I see IWGP Champ Kazuchika Okada deliver a perfect one in every one of his title defenses. Seriously, watch it on youtube, it is gorgeous. It is at 3:21 of this video [www.youtube.com]
Vader was awesome, he did great for a large 57 year old guy. The steps was whatever, but that Vader bomb and seeing him do all his mannerisms, great. Now we need SID!
Vince can stay away from the on screen product again now. He doesn’t really add anything anymore, and is more of a detriment than anything. Saying Big Show hasn’t done anything since 1999 was stupid and only buries him. Dancing with the Funkettes was stupid and not entertaining.
John Cena really brought the whole show to a halt. I agree with Brandon 100% about him here, nothing he does matters. Win or lose at No Way Out, either the feud will continue or he’ll move on to something else “important.” And his promos and shtick are cringe inducing. I wish they’d just let him talk and not script this shite out.
Also, the Game of Thrones analogy to the McMahon thing legitimately made me laugh. That was great. Also reallllly glad I started that show finally on Sunday and finished season 1 last night.
I was there at the show last night; here’s my perspective on the show as a guy that lived in Hartford for four years.
The jobbers were amazing; the line about the Whalers got great heat and even got me boo-ing them, and I love Ryback’s fodder. After the match there was a “Let’s go Whalers” chant, which was adorable because even though I live in Hartford, it’s literally our only notable thing to happen in the past 15 years.
Cena annoyed me (but still got a pop for it) when he said we were the Whales. It’s kind of correct (the Whales are a minor league team that plays in the XL Center), but it annoyed me because earlier in the show we were all proud and shit that we were once The Whalers (even though they left because not enough of us went to their games) and now people were cheering for being called the prey that the former team hunted. But maybe I just have issues with the Whales.
Other fun things of note: Kofi. could. not. stop. JUMPING. during. the. commercials. He just couldn’t.
There was a “CM Punk is not impressed” sign. It didn’t get shown during the sign segment, but there was a well photoshoed one of Daniel Bryan called “The Twenty-Nine Year Old Vegan.” There was also another “John Laurinitis YOUR fired” sign. I’m going to pretend they were all visiting from Boston (since there was a very annoying and loud (and violently cursing) group of wrestling fans with Boston accents at the Thai restaurant I ate at before the show.
Sadly when I eyerolled at McMahon at the BAStar on the jumbotron I ended up seeing the second jumbotron hanging from the ceiling.
If you thought it was weird watching a thirty-five year old dude in jorts on tv, it’s even worse live. I just felt really uncomfortable watching a grown man’s ass in jorts.
The crowd really turned on Big Show, which was weird.
The dark match was a three on one handicap match of Cena vs Show/Otunga/and yes, JOHNNY! Johnny got a good crutch whack on Cena, but after the match Cena was a dick and smashed him in to the ground. The match sucked and was really short, but I got to see Otunga in person and Johnny come out of retirement, so I’ll take it.
I still don’t get how Big Show speaking his mind and not doing stupid things his boss tells him to do is selling out.
There weren’t many (okay, maybe any) veggie/vegan options, but before the show I got lunch from GOLDBURGers, which I thought was funny.
regarding the crowd’s quick turn on Big Show: I’m for it, especially since I know a girl who said that (face) Big Show was her favorite wrestler and it made me mad, because that is like saying your favorite color is taupe or your favorite thing is air. It’s a really neutral option. He’s showing a lot more personality as a heel, and everybody who turned so fast is a dummy.
“CAW CAW BANG F*CK I’M DEAD!”
+Draven
Your just referencing Empire Records since it was on the other day… I know because the bra and panties bothered me too
And now I can update my resume as a B&W top 10 Comment recipient. Far more excited about this than I should be.
Great column Brandon, though I will never see eye to eye with you on your despising of Kofi Kingston. But I just skipover it now,works better for me that way. One thing I agree on is the three hour Raw is… How can I put this? Terrible. And I am only expecting worse. I don’t need a great story to watch people fight, I own about 60 late 70′s early 80′s Hong Kong and Japanese martial arts movies. And the writers on Raw don’t even hand me writing I would even describe as tolerable to a martial arts movie. Then there was Vader appearing for some reason, and I don’t know, I guess I need my wrestlers to not be 57 and be able to walk up stairs to expect me to believe he can beat the crap out of a highly trained professional.
In unrelated news, I start way too many sentences with the word “And”
Vader’s music hit and I turned into the Grinch the moment the Whos’ song first hit. Immediately stop all snark and go wide-eyed and awe-filled like little me watching him swat Foley and Sting around. Almost everything worked with the exception of…well, you named them.
And then the most excellent wresting auteur of the interwebs has a best of Vader section. Slow clap, sir. Halfrican-American to I’m assuming mostly white dude? I hereby nominate you for your James Brown pass. Fucking A, man.
Nicolas Refn said when he was casting for “Drive” the first thing that popped in his head when he saw Carey Mulligan was “I just want to protect her”… this is kind of how I view AJ… Like no matter how batshit crazy she gets she still has the quirk where you just want to protect her.
John Wilkes Boot? That’s tremendous.
I tried explaining the WWE corporate structure to my wife last night. As far as I can figure the WWE is set up like human rock paper scissors. HHH beats Vince, Johnny Ace beats HHH and Vince beats Johnny Ace. I think Steph is home base or something…
+1
Is the board of directors lightning used by the douchebag kid?
Who is lizard and spock?
AJ head tilt after skipping wins the Heart Boner Slammy.
The only time “Indian style” is offensive is when it refers to wrestling involving either The Great Khali or Jinder Mahal.
E.g. “time for some exciting wrestling action — Indian style!”
(*leaves to go make sandwich and stand in the kitchen eating it*)
The green Ring Ka King guys would be a hundred times more entertaining to see on WWE TV than Jinder or Khali. They at least look like they have fire. Jinder seems like he’s a small step from doing that HORRIBLE Indian shopkeeper thing Vince McMahon had Ranjin Singh do that one time and Khali is… Khali. He’s going to fall apart in the ring some day.
Since they’re bringing back a “former RAW superstar” every week until ep 1000, this might be a good time for a up Ryback’s meals to 3 or 4 jobbers at a time, hint at a Goldberg one-off for #1000…. the bring out Duane Gill, who destroys Ryback in 30 seconds. I can dream, can’t I?
I’m pretty sure that I could watch the Z Man get beat up all day every day and it would not get old.
It’s true. He is prototype face bottom rung of midcard talent. Pretty good in the ring, likable enough to cheer, and has a good look, but no discernible personality. Sadly I think I just described Kofi (*I* think he’s pretty good in the ring at least) and less sad, DiBiase the Jr. And Swagger if we’re talking heels.
I dislike Sheamus’ RW&B Gear. I thought it was cute when he was a heel wearing it when he was US champ. Now I just don’t like them…
Layla is pretty.
I miss Santino and Beth.
I wonder if when they’re going over the promos, and they tell Bryan what his talking points are, if Punk is sitting there thinking about how it IS all true…
Was I the only one who was amazed that they ADMITTED HISTORY between Beth and Santino?
Sure, Punk got the pinfall, but Kane is the real winner from that match.
This storyline is like Kane’s Machete. “Here’s an actual, honest-to-goodness fairly compelling and not total shit storyline for you to shine in and a chance to make out with a total superhottie. Thanks for putting up with so much half-baked crap for the last 15 years, big guy.”
Matches i’m hoping to see at some point in the mysterious future: Sin Cara / Dolph Zigger, Vader / Ryback, Vader / Tensai. I would also completely die of love for wrestling with a Vader / Ryback / Tensai triple threat.
Cause goddamn it if i don’t love hosses beating the hell out of each other.
First time poster, long-time listener…
I was happy with the Tensai/Shemaus match, and I am hoping one of the following happens with Ziggler at No Way Out:
a) wins the title OR
b) wins the title and ditches Vickie OR
c) loses and gets rid of Vickie
Ziggler is WAY too good on the mic to need a manager. Let him flourish without Guerrero and allow Guerrero be a manager to up and comers to give them a name.
CM Punk’s not a vegan.
Please consult this: [vegnews.com]
A Twitter follower asked Punk about it last week, and he claimed he’s not. Follower said “Wikipedia says you are.” Punk said “Well if it’s on Wikipedia it must be true. Feces. Dumdum.”
It’s certainly possible that Punk was just being a lying asshole for the fun of it, but who knows.
What GuitarzanWSC said.
Hi first time poster love the colum blah blah blah, what’s with the hate on Kofi Kingston?
I think he’s said before it’s not that Kofi is bad, it’s that he’s always made to look bad, which after awhile, just makes him bad… That and he’s from Ghana and is portrayed as Jamaican?
He’s a terrible wrestler.
Maybe Danielson convinced Punk to get rid of his TV and now he can’t review Macho Man tapes for proper elbow technique? I don’t know, it is perplexing how a guy with such relative crispness in the rest of his in-ring work would pick a move he is SO UTTERLY BAD AT to showcase in such a dramatic way in almost every match.
Wasn’t the reason he was out for several months back before the New Nexus stuff because of a hip injury? Maybe he’s being overly-careful. Maybe he likes the idea of continuing to pay tribute to Savage (b/c he didn’t do the move until Savage died), but wants to do it in a way that is less likely to hurt.
Kind of like how Ric Flair took a back bodydrop in every single match, even though he was terrible at it, and always landed on his side.
A giant monster made of an amalgam of all the jobbers Ryback faced is a great idea. However, I’d also be interested in checking out a situation where Ryback comes out to the ring, the jobbers surround him (yeah yeah, a la Nexus) and begin attacking him. He, however, explodes in the center and tosses them all aside. They all slowly get up, part like the Red Sea, and a giant jobber dude appears.
Someone we don’t know. Someone we’ll never see again. Just some monster. He walks right up to Ryback. Stare-down. Suddenly, lumberjack match. Did I mention this is on a PPV?
Sounds like Dynasty Warriors: The Wrestling Match. I’d enjoy it.
I’m not sure why Tensai needs a retooling in the first place. WWE gave him some quick wins and one over Cena that was overshadowed by the shenanigans going on, so he’s not ready to be John Laurinaitis’ muscle? Let the fans chant “Albert” at him. He is Albert, even in kayfabe. It’s not like chanting “Jamal” at Umaga.
I just don’t get how dropping “Lord” from his name (although WWE have some sort of fetish for chopping names down), not wearing a robe and killing off his retainer is going to “save” him when probably all he needs is a few, decent hard-hitting matches like he had with Sheamus on Monday.
Hell, they could have made him number one contender instead of Dolph Ziggler (whom I enjoy but for some reason I feel like I’ve seen Sheamus/Ziggler more than I have Kofi/Ziggler). I’d gladly watch 15-20 minutes of those two punching the hell out of each other.
I want to insert Archibald Peck into the Santino/Ricardo feud and die happy
Ricardo/Peck vs. Santino/Cabana
“Seriously, I will forgive an entire year of you derisively calling Mexicans “amigo” and never speak an ill word if you drop one decent elbow. One. Ever.”
I will be watching every CM Punk elbow drop very closely from now on.
“He looks like the fake octopus Bela Lugosi wrestled” lmfao, that mus have the best popcultural reference and best comparison between anything and anything else I’ve ever read
*t* and *been* missing, should not type while laughing…
I really liked the part where Beth Phoenix was dragging Ricardo around, presumably for an eventual death by snoo snoo
+1′d
That .gif of AJ skipping around Kane might be the entire reason the Internet was invented.