Best: MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

As (maybe) the Internet’s leading NXT fan, if you told me a year ago I’d be marking out for a tag victory for Darren “Black John Cena” Young and Titus “Make It A Win” O’Neil (on pay-per-view, no less … against Tyson Kidd, the single most underrated guy in WWE, no less) I would’ve “Worst’d” you or Minus Five Starred you or whatever it is we do to show displeasure online. I would’ve fake tweeted you saying you smell like a butt and you eat your own butt and sent it to the Torch.

But yeah, the Primetime Players got a big win on pay-per-view and will get to challenge Kofi Kingston and anyone he can find with two working feet for the WWE Tag Team Championships. That’s pretty cool. And hey, better yet:

Best: Lowercard Matches With Angles That Make Sense

This was, somewhat predictably, my favorite part of the show. Abraham Washington explains somewhat stupidly to PERM that he’s let their tag titles rematch clause expire, so they have to win a match against three other teams. Before they can make the save and keep the Primetime Players from winning, AW grabs them by the feet and keeps them from breaking it up, giving Young and O’Neil the victory … because AW is working with Young and O’Neil, doesn’t give a horse’s shit about PERM and was waiting them out to weed out a challenger. That’s strong, basic storytelling for at least 6 WWE Superstars (counting Rosa and AW) who never get it. If guys on the very bottom of the card were given simple, easy-to-follow stories on the reg, chances are fans would have more interest in them, you’d have a better chance at a random undercard angle catching fire and everyone on your show would have a reason to be there besides “we’re also wrestlers”.

And while you’re at it, why not showcase a few other teams of interest? The Justin Gabriel/Tyson Kidd pairing could go a long way, with Kidd being one of the best pro wrestlers around and Gabriel looking enough like a Twilight character to get some Robert Gibson-esque heart posters in the crowd. They can be a London and Kendrick pairing that DON’T put pot smoking over keeping their dream jobs and f**k up their lives. The Usos are second generation guys who could really use a spotlight, if only in the hopes that one day they’ll be as cool as their entrance. Yes, I learned how to do the entire thing. Yes, I practiced.

This probably should’ve been saved for a really great Raw segment, but whatever. Keep everyone’s momentum moving forward, and eventually we all get where we’re trying to go.

Worst: Booker T Saying Young And O’Neil Were “Fruitbooty-ish” And “A Little Sweet” For Wearing Pink Trunks

F**k you, Booker. Nobody cool and hetero has ever worn pink in WWE, right?

Especially that last one.

Worst: Stop Hanging Layla Out To Dry

Speaking of “forward momentum”, could we give Layla some?

I’ve complained about it a lot in the past, but Layla is

1. Better in the ring than any Diva who has held that belt and is at least as good as Beth Phoenix
2. Is super, super pretty
3. Has a unique, enjoyable personality in and out of the ring
4. Has a couple of cool movez
5. Has a good foreign accent, not the Aksana one

So WWE needs to wise up and give her a segment or a backstage moment or SOMETHING to get across that she’s not just a pointing smiling lady and can offer us more than the Kellies Kelly of the world. I don’t blame WWE audiences for not getting behind her yet, because they HAVEN’T given her segments like this (at least on Raw), she spent a year being the worst of the worst female heels with Michelle McCool and still uses that awful heel Diva music. Get her something to clap along to, let us hear her say words so we’ll swoon and stop tossing her out there with infinity symbols on her gear and calling it character development.

Also, let her dance. That shit was 0.9 Bugs Bunny, but at least she’s doing something.

Worst: Sin Cara And Hunico Again? Again? Seriously?

Hunico came to play, looked about a dozen times better than Mistico and deserves to be more than the fake Konnan guy on the homosexual (?) tandem bicycle ride, but I sincerely do not want to see Sin Cara wrestle Hunico again. Again, this would’ve been a good enough Raw segment. What are they doing here that they haven’t done 8 or 9 times before (on television) to justify dropping 50 bucks to see it? The same spots, the same moodlighting, the same finish. It’s just drab. It makes high-flying cruiserweight action look like WWE Cruiserweight action. It makes lucha libre look like Super Astros. Stop making the cool things less cool so more people will like them.

If Mistico is moving at 60% speed and only wrestling the super safe guys who won’t hurt him because he’s not back to 100% yet, that’s fine … let him wrestle Hunico in the dark match, or at a house show. Pair Sin Cara up with someone and put them in a tag match against Hunico and Camacho, and only let Hunico touch him. Hell, put Hunico in a ridiculous mask and call him something stupid so it looks like Cara’s doing that Rey Mysterio WCW thing where guys like Super Calo show up and you’re all GASP A RIVAL FROM MEXICO because you’ve never seen him before and don’t yet know he’s just f**king Super Calo.

Best: Good Job Staying Off The Ring Apron, Camacho

Camacho stood by the ring and looked concerned for most of the match, but I’m calling bullshit — there’s no way Camacho can see what’s happening in the ring through dark blue mood-lighting AND dark sunglasses. He should’ve stood with his back to the ring and made concerned faces at the front row for the entirety of the match. Then for the finish he could climb up on the guardrail, and someone up front could elbow him off.

If I get put in charge of WWE Creative (and the way this column is going, I totally will), the first thing I’m doing is telling Camacho to grow out his hair, giving him some lavender island pants and advertising him as SON OF MENG. That is instant money. And when he eventually turns face, we call him Mengzooky.

Worst: What’s With All This Filler

All in all, this pay-per-view’s unadvertised elements included:

1. A Ryback squash
2. A Sin Cara/Hunico match
3. A tag team match between a bunch of guys who never get to be on TV
4. A lengthy Triple H monologue about This Business

If you ignore the pre-show, this ended up being like 15 minutes shorter than a 3-hour Raw. All we needed was a quarter hour of “special looks” at Callie Thorne in ‘Necessary Roughness’ and we’d be set.