I don’t know about you hard-working folks, but when I hear that Forbes has released its list of the 100 Highest Paid Athletes, it might as well be Christmas morning to me. After all, nothing makes me happier than the success of a person who was given a gift by the gods. Well, that’s not entirely true. What makes me incredibly happy is when that person is also a total dick. Because if you’re talented and wealthy, what’s the point in caring what people think about you?
And hoo boy, this year’s Top 10 is chocked with some athletes that really don’t give a sh*t what people think about them. That’s not to say that these are all necessarily terrible human beings, but they’re definitely not universally beloved. For starters, did you know that the highest paid athlete of the past year currently lives in a prison cell?
Haha, life is fair!
Why We Like Him: Does anyone like him? I don't. I like his honesty sometimes. But that means crap compared to why we don't like him.
Why We Don't Like Him: Geez, where do we begin? Mayweather is just an arrogant gash of a man. “Yeah, but he must have had a bunch of big fights for that kind of cash,” you say as you empty your coin jar into the Coinstar machine. Wrong. He fought twice. “Well, then he must have a ton of endorsements,” you reply, dipping your Hydrox in malk. Wrong. He has no endorsements. Mayweather received $40 million for his fight against Victor Ortiz and $45 million for his fight against Miguel Cotto. Hopefully he’s paying someone handsomely to manage his money while he’s in prison for beating a woman.
Why We Like Him: He doesn’t beat women, for starters.
Why We Don’t Like Him: As a boxer who cleared $62 million last year ($56 for fights, $6 for endorsements), we don’t like him because 1) He won’t give his fans the fight that they want (Mayweather), and B) He was just part of one of the biggest sham fights in history (of course that’s not his fault… that we know of). It also doesn’t help that he can’t keep his politics out of our sports.
Why We Like Him: We desperately want him to return to domination, because it’s fun to cheer for Darth Vader.
Why We Don’t Like Him: For starters, he cheated on his smoking hot wife with countless porn stars and skanks. For a lot of people there’s no statute of limitations on that. For others, who don’t care because his ex-wife walked away with $150 million and a mansion, he’s still incredibly smug for a guy who doesn’t dominate anymore.
Why We Like Him: He’s the best basketball player on the face of the planet.
Why We Don’t Like Him: Because he’s surrounded by enabling yes men, who have constructed this bubble around him to shield him from self-awareness. He’s completely inept when it comes to the relations between a star athlete and the working class fan, while living with this idea that everyone should just shut up, accept him, and love him. Oh, and all that other stuff from the last few years.
Why We Like Him: Because along with Rafael Nadal, Federer has made tennis finals incredibly exciting for the past decade. He also seems like a pretty nice guy.
Why We Don’t Like Him: I actually don’t know too many people who dislike Federer, because, again, he seems grounded. So I’ll play the role of antagonist – HE’S NOT AMERICAN!
Why We Like Him: Because after his reign of terror as the best basketball player on the planet, he’s still one of the best basketball players on the planet.
Why We Don’t Like Him: A lot of people still haven’t forgotten about Colorado. And as Daniel Tosh once said, he changed his number as a way to remind people that he’s No. 24 now, and that was No. 8 that banged the nurse. Some people don’t like the spoiled brat that he acts like at the expense of his teammates, and others probably don’t like that he allegedly didn’t learn his lesson after Colorado. I assume that his ex-wife’s accountant likes him for that.
Why We Like Him: He seems like the Lefty who lives next door. For so long, we pulled for Fat Boy to win a major because he didn’t have one and seemed like a nice guy, so he should get one, damn it. Also, he’s not Tiger.
Why We Don’t Like Him: I actually know a lot of golf fans who HATE Mickelson, and I think the only explanation is that he’s Tiger’s rival.
Why We Like Him: Because he’s handsome, charming, and was once one of the best soccer players on the planet.
Why We Don’t Like Him: There are two views for this. For soccer fans, he’s just this overrated, overpaid has-been who is more concerned with modeling and becoming a huge celebrity in America than he is with what’s best for Team England. For non-soccer fans, his life is pretty much perfect and that makes us all sick.
Why We Like Him: Because he’s smoking hot. I mean, right ladies?
Why We Don’t Like Him: Because he’s smoking hot. I mean, right dudes?
Why We Like Him: I thought about this for roughly 5 minutes and the only thing I had typed was “Saturday Night Live United Way commercial”.
Why We Don’t Like Him: For starters, he made $42.5 million last year while not playing one minute. And when the Indianapolis Colts decided it was time to move on, he gave this whole “This isn’t about the money, it’s about playing in the right situation” routine before signing a deal with Denver that was worth as much as the deal he would have had if Indy hadn’t dumped him.
(It’s also worth noting that the second highest earning NFL player was… Haloti Ngata with $37.1 million. If you had put a gun to my head, I would have guessed Tom Brady and then cried while pissing my pants.)