Best: The Best Match Brodus Clay’s Ever Been In
Hopefully I’m not the only one who sided with The Miz here.
After comparing Brodus Clay to King Hippo (and adding an unnecessary MIKE TYSON’S PUNCH-OUT!! to kill the reference dead because he’s the Miz), Miz ran down Clay’s act and spend three-ish minutes doing a better job of wrestling him than anyone I’ve seen from G-Rilla to present. Brodus is twice his size, so Miz spent a lot of time kicking him in the knees, sneaking up on him from behind and staying on the attack every time Brodus went down. That’s smart, and this is the most competent Miz has looked in our out of the ring since like last October. It beats the hell out of Dolph Ziggler’s strategy, “run at him and jump”.
There was, of course, the small problem of…
Worst: People Dying So Quickly When Brodus Is On Offense
I’ve figured it out, and this is what I hate about Funkasaurus matches. He just criticals guys with everything he does. When he’s wrestling a guy like JTG or Curt Hawkins you can buy it, because those guys lose to Carlito neckbreakers or whatever all the time, but The Miz is a former WWE Champion who once got shoulderblocked off the security railing and straight into concussion hell by John Cena. The only thing Brodus did to him all match was a suplex and a splash. That’s it? That’s enough to incapacitate you and make you fail at your job? I know the guy weighs over 400 pounds, but a 400 pound guy jumping on your perpendicularly shouldn’t knock you out. Maybe if he was trapping you with his wide body and you couldn’t kick out, or if he was doing the Yokozuna thing and coming off the ropes with his entire ass weight on your ribcage, yeah, that would kill you. But a splash? From like a foot up? I’m not buying that. If people kick out of a Mark Henry splash, Brodus and his memory foam body shouldn’t end you.
Something else that bothers me now that we’re seeing the Funkasaurus in longer matches is the dancing. Brodus starts off every match with a very long dance. He wins quickly, then does the entire dance again, sometimes even longer if they’ve got to segue into a commercial break. So what does it say when The Miz spends three minutes kicking his ass, he hits two moves and is completely fine enough to dance? People complain about Cena’s shoulderblock comebacks and this motherf**ker is dino-dancing for six f**king minutes. At least do a funny “hold on gotta catch my breath” thing before you start claw-handing.
Worst: Brodus And The Cat Have Very Different Reasons For Mother Calling
Brodus Clay: Wants you to call your mama because it’s Mother’s Day. Also asks that you call his mama because he’s dancing a lot.
Ernest Miller: Wants you to call his mama because he’s about to lock the doors of the arena and whoop everybody in here.
More directly, the Funkasaurus wants you to call your mama because it’s a nice thing to do and The Cat wants you to do it because he is about to commit mass homicide with his hands and feet because he hates a building full of people and needs a loved one to be informed of his whereabouts.
Best: Paul Heyman, In Theory
Paul Heyman is awesome. His ongoing feud with Missy Hyatt was my first real consideration of gender roles, he legitimately changed the national pro wrestling landscape for good, good or bad, with Extreme Championship Wrestling and though he started off as a broke-ass Jim Cornette, the Dangerous Alliance was better than anything else that ever happened ever. Love? Religious enlightenment? The birth of your first child? Not as good as the Dangerous Alliance.
Anyway, Brock Lesnar having his feels affected and spending 40-450 minutes explaining his contract demands sorta necessitated a mouthpiece, and Paul Heyman is Brock’s greatest possible mouthpiece. Just listen to the way he says “Brock Lesnar”. The way Paul Heyman says “Brock Lesnar” is wrestling perfection. I hear him say it and I think of that video package they did with crying babies and Latin chanting because Brock was gonna shoot kill the Undertaker and keep him from knowing his unborn child. That’s the Brock Lesnar I want, the one who might seriously be breaking John Cena’s arm, not the guy in the Death Clutch track pants who can’t say “WWE”.
Heyman as an on-air character is the best. He’s probably my favorite non-Scott Stanford WWE announcer of the last two decades, and I loved how much sh*t he’d give Jim Ross over the asinine crap he’d say and get wrong. The thing constituting the “hardcore legacy of ECW” or whatever in 2012 needs to die in a storage unit fire, but Heyman is indisputably one of the most important and least ruined figures we’ve got left. So I want him around, I want him on Raw and I want him saying BRRRROCK, LESSner.
(I do not necessarily want him reading boring, prepared statements.)
That is all.
Best: So Is Common Law Going To End With Them F**king Each Other Or What
My favorite segment on the show was Big Show just sorta standing backstage smirking as the stars of USA’s new hit series COMMON LAW do some loosely-prepared improv about a wrestling show they’ve just learned about. The Wikipedia page (and constant commercials) for Common Law say the plot of the show is “two cops get partnered up and don’t like each other but they do a good job, so the police chief sends them to couples couseling”. For a second I thought the show was gonna be about gay cops, so I’m moving forward assuming this is a show about mouthy gay cops who watched Psych and love it but think it needs more hostage situations.