Best: Beth Should Just Stiff The Sh*t Out Of Everyone
Chances are you didn’t care about this match (usually when I talk to people about WWE women’s wrestling they take an absurd purist’s stance about pedestals and whores or they say they don’t know what I’m talking about because this is what happens during the fast forward), but at least jump to the end and watch two great things happen:
1. Kelly Kelly touch the ropes and come in for a kick, then back up into the ropes as if she needed them to get up enough momentum for a hurricanrana. Kelly, you would’ve gotten the same momentum if you’d bounced off a brick wall.
2. Kelly going for her Gymnastics Attack and getting clobbered in the back of the head by Beth.
I don’t like the “every female in WWE sucks but Beth Phoenix is amazing” talking point, but I could get behind it more if Beth skipped the taking roll-ups part and got straight to the “hitting you as hard as she can in the back of the head” parts. Kelly did a convincing job of playing dead for the remainder of the match, possibly because she was shoot dead.
Worst: Congratulations On Getting On A List Your Bosses Paid A Magazine To Put You On, Ladies!
WWE has made a big deal out of Kelly Kelly and Layla making the Maxim top 100 Hottest Behbs We’d Love To T.F. or whatever, but I don’t support it. Like everything these days, the only way to be honored is to pay someone to honor you, so basically what I’m saying is that Kelly Kelly being one of the hottest 100 women in the entertainment industry is the Shakespeare In Love winning Best Picture of Lad Mags.
For the record, Kelly Kelly finished higher than other tanned blondes with big boobs like Kate Upton, Brooklyn Decker and Paulina Gretzky, meaning she was directly compared to her peers and deemed hotter. Hell, Lois Griffin ranked higher than Paulina Gretzky. But seriously, this isn’t a “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” thing, it’s comparing a concept with an identical yet objectively superior-in-every-way concept and favoring the inferior model. No pun intended. The people who put this list together are bad and they should feel bad.
And for the record, it goes
1. Kate Upton
2. Brooklyn Decker
3. Paulina Gretzky
4. Kelly Kelly
Best: Michael Cole FINALLY Bags On Jerry Lawler’s Stupid Shirts
And we’re … at the main event already? Wow, 25 minute speech segments really knock out your programming block, don’t they?
Anyway, the best part of the main event (a pretty forgettable impromptu handicap tag match pitting John Cena and who cares John Cena wins every handicap match against Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Lord Tensai, who is no longer a Lord and is just “Tensai”, so I hope things are okay for him and he doesn’t show up in a few weeks as “Serf Tensai” and have to work for JBL … although Serf Tensai would be awesome if he did “hang loose” gestures instead of fake karate poses) … wait, where was I … oh, right, the best part of the main event was Michael Cole pointing out that Vickie Guerrero and Jerry Lawler were wearing the same shirt.
That’s not bad for Vickie, because everything at New York & Company looks like that and in lady tank top form it’s fine, but in 65-year old man in a bedazzled t-shirt Jerry Lawler it is an apt and hilarious burn. Maybe next week Lawler will bring back the singlet and drum major jacket and say goodbye to the discount urban shirt barn forever.
Best: Proud Of Dolph For Not Taking The Pinfall Here
I thought for sure Cena was going to take this by himself (with a few Putski hammers and maybe a clothesline over the top rope to somebody by what’s-his-face), and the pessimistic part of me saw Dolph taking an Attitude Adjustment and lying there for several minutes while Cena walked around the ring Five Knuckle Shuffling the also-rans at ringside before dancing back in and making a cover. I’m very happy that the optimistic side of me won out, then became a literal part of the show in the form of a battle royal featuring a bunch of NXT guys. Thanks, brain power!
Oh, and before I forget:
Additional Best: Here You Go, Ladies
No Rosa Mendes this week, so we do what we must.