Best: Beth Should Just Stiff The Sh*t Out Of Everyone
Chances are you didn’t care about this match (usually when I talk to people about WWE women’s wrestling they take an absurd purist’s stance about pedestals and whores or they say they don’t know what I’m talking about because this is what happens during the fast forward), but at least jump to the end and watch two great things happen:
1. Kelly Kelly touch the ropes and come in for a kick, then back up into the ropes as if she needed them to get up enough momentum for a hurricanrana. Kelly, you would’ve gotten the same momentum if you’d bounced off a brick wall.
2. Kelly going for her Gymnastics Attack and getting clobbered in the back of the head by Beth.
I don’t like the “every female in WWE sucks but Beth Phoenix is amazing” talking point, but I could get behind it more if Beth skipped the taking roll-ups part and got straight to the “hitting you as hard as she can in the back of the head” parts. Kelly did a convincing job of playing dead for the remainder of the match, possibly because she was shoot dead.
Worst: Congratulations On Getting On A List Your Bosses Paid A Magazine To Put You On, Ladies!
WWE has made a big deal out of Kelly Kelly and Layla making the Maxim top 100 Hottest Behbs We’d Love To T.F. or whatever, but I don’t support it. Like everything these days, the only way to be honored is to pay someone to honor you, so basically what I’m saying is that Kelly Kelly being one of the hottest 100 women in the entertainment industry is the Shakespeare In Love winning Best Picture of Lad Mags.
For the record, Kelly Kelly finished higher than other tanned blondes with big boobs like Kate Upton, Brooklyn Decker and Paulina Gretzky, meaning she was directly compared to her peers and deemed hotter. Hell, Lois Griffin ranked higher than Paulina Gretzky. But seriously, this isn’t a “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” thing, it’s comparing a concept with an identical yet objectively superior-in-every-way concept and favoring the inferior model. No pun intended. The people who put this list together are bad and they should feel bad.
And for the record, it goes
1. Kate Upton
2. Brooklyn Decker
3. Paulina Gretzky
4. Kelly Kelly
Best: Michael Cole FINALLY Bags On Jerry Lawler’s Stupid Shirts
And we’re … at the main event already? Wow, 25 minute speech segments really knock out your programming block, don’t they?
Anyway, the best part of the main event (a pretty forgettable impromptu handicap tag match pitting John Cena and who cares John Cena wins every handicap match against Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Lord Tensai, who is no longer a Lord and is just “Tensai”, so I hope things are okay for him and he doesn’t show up in a few weeks as “Serf Tensai” and have to work for JBL … although Serf Tensai would be awesome if he did “hang loose” gestures instead of fake karate poses) … wait, where was I … oh, right, the best part of the main event was Michael Cole pointing out that Vickie Guerrero and Jerry Lawler were wearing the same shirt.
That’s not bad for Vickie, because everything at New York & Company looks like that and in lady tank top form it’s fine, but in 65-year old man in a bedazzled t-shirt Jerry Lawler it is an apt and hilarious burn. Maybe next week Lawler will bring back the singlet and drum major jacket and say goodbye to the discount urban shirt barn forever.
Best: Proud Of Dolph For Not Taking The Pinfall Here
I thought for sure Cena was going to take this by himself (with a few Putski hammers and maybe a clothesline over the top rope to somebody by what’s-his-face), and the pessimistic part of me saw Dolph taking an Attitude Adjustment and lying there for several minutes while Cena walked around the ring Five Knuckle Shuffling the also-rans at ringside before dancing back in and making a cover. I’m very happy that the optimistic side of me won out, then became a literal part of the show in the form of a battle royal featuring a bunch of NXT guys. Thanks, brain power!
Oh, and before I forget:
Additional Best: Here You Go, Ladies
No Rosa Mendes this week, so we do what we must.
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¡Finalmente!
¡La respuesta de mis oraciones!
Lo Mejor Y Lo Peor de WWE RAW con Señor Stroud.
Dude, Brandon, we’re going to BRO IT UP so hard they’re going to have to rename it KING OF BROS from now on.
I was thinking of making the trip over this year, but only if I can also BRO.
All bros are welcomed to bro out with us at King of Trios.
Hey, Brandon, are people who aren’t BROS also invited?
The THESTINGER, will we have to rename Las Vegas “Bro Vegas” when we bro it up then?
all people who share our vision are Bros
Yes, Mr Cat In A Suit And Tie.
Sweet, Brandon, can I give official Brandon Stroud Brotasms in the Potomac and Anacostia rivers?
I am only going to be able to bro it up 1/3 as much as I have been in the last two years. #sad
Find an third and you can be the Kings of Three Bros at King of Trios.
Can you out-bro Team Alpha Male? You better!
I can bob my head to music while I eat Apples Jack & other foods stuff :)
It’s about damn time. I wish I paid for this so I could complain about not paying to wait til Wednesday to read B&W (note to Uporxx please do not charge for these thank you).
/sarcasm key, for those who can’t distinguish (brian).
/kicks you out of chatroom
Brandon’s too vegan to work for Uporxx.
Why too vegan? Has Uproxx taken their Ron Swanson obsession so far that they pay in straight up meat?
the joke is LTF’s typo spelled “uporxx” or “u-porks”
And there’s a stunning display of my reading comprehension skills!
ah, but reading is for lame nerdlinger types, so who cares!
The Additional Best Gif and its caption had me crack up hard and in an incredibly undignified way. So we do what we must, indeed.
I read this, “AJ turn that will lead to Daniel Bryan being squashed by A Train.” as you saying literally “a train” as in “a single train”. Doing so made me laugh. Probably intentional.
I GET JOKES U GUYS
yep, I thought it worked well both ways
At the risk of sounding like CreepRoseHair, I’ll say you’re a lucky dude and that is a really great prom photo! Everyone looks real happy and RACHEL SUMMERLYN IN A DRESS BEEP BOOP ~~WOW~~
Totally fine. She is amazing.
AJ poster approves.
Whoa. She really is amazing.
William Regal on last week’s NXT said it best. “When I look at her, I think it would be a good idea to give up all of my worldly possessions and ask her to go backpacking across Europe with me.”
Don’t forget her second dress of the night, which was Big Bird.
I am balls deep in love with Rachel Summerlyn :)
I was outraged when Cena beat Mysterio for the title, OUTRAGED! He just became Champion earlier that night Cena, you big bully!
Yeah, that was one of the most overtly heel acts I’ve seen in a while. Like it would have killed Cena to let Mysterio be WWE Champ for a fucking week.
Ok, I got like two paragraphs in but I had to come comment on the absolute awesomeness of the reference to Screech singing “home at our school”. (Although wasn’t that one of those awful Tori episodes?) Either way, great reference, Back to the report. Love, Buzz.
I’m going to have to make a similar comment with my name in place of Buzz’s name.
Big Show and John Cena were friends in the sense that Hulk Hogan ran out to check on his friend Bret Hart at the end of Wrestlemania 9. Don’t you remember your rules of prowres?
1) All people who smile when they see crowds are good people, and friends.
2) All people who do not smile when they see crowds are bad people, and uneasy allies.
3) Anything that good people do to bad people, up to and including severe unrepentant repeated physical harm, is justified at all times.
Just waiting for the foley artist to f up, so we get the mountie shock stick sound with the next punch.
Hey B who was covering for you for B/W of Over the Limit?
Cena’s incoherent rambling and story-telling will all make sense next week when he opens the show with 30 minutes of his Dr. Evil impression.
When Bryan said, “You don’t have to take my word for it,” I was hoping they’d cut to a montage of 8 year olds reading their book reports on Over the Limit.
+1
+1
Hey guys G.I. Joe 2 pushed back to March 2013. You know what that means? WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE THE ROCK AGAIN IN 10 MONTHS!
Cena is actually Zartan…it all makes sense now.
Why the pushback? Uncreative differences?
They are up against some major soccer tournament, thus messing up their chances at the international market this summer. That’s the official reason, anyway.
They want to add 3D, which apparently the overseas crowd loves. And they don’t want to get slaughtered by Spiderman (which opens the next week).
Just to make sure I understand the Punk/AJ thing: It was acceptable, or something, when *Daniel Bryan* was verbally abusive to AJ, but now that *Punk* is treating her *not as badly,* we’re back to it being wrong, and we’re going to call him out for it. Do I have that right?
Yup. And DB is a heel–the one of whose actions we are NOT supposed to approve–while Punk is a face–the one of whose actions we ARE supposed to approve. So for the face to be doing THE EXACT SAME ABUSIVE THING as the heel is doing…it kinda undermines that whole face/heel dichotomy.
Well yeah because the iwc is supposed to hate the face and love the heel.
Yup, when DBry did it it made him into a bad guy. We still cheered for him because we like the person, but his character is a Bad Dude (unsure if he’s bad enough to rescue the president from ninjas, though).
When Punk does it he’s being an asshole but also being the COOLEST and SMARTEST person in the world and OMG he’s the best!
@Ian: I can sort of buy the heel vs. face argument. Except Bryan *was* the face to everyone here. And I don’t recall anyone complaining about the way he treated her (unless I’m forgetting something– if so, my bad).
Also, Punk saying “You know you’re acting the fool” isn’t in any way like Bryan telling her “I wish you were never born.”
@Guitarzan – As they said, the important thing is that Bryan was a heel and Punk is a face. Two very different sets of rules.
@Arrested – This is not the place to pull “heh the IWC sez” shit. I am not the IWC, I am Brandon.
@Guitarzan (‘s reply) – Daniel Bryan wasn’t the face here, he was someone we liked because he’s good at his job. I love heels who treat people terribly and do bad things. That’s why they’re the bad guys. I didn’t think he was being cool or noble, I thought he was being an unforgivable asshole. Punk’s doing that, but he’s supposed to be cheered for it, and that’s abrasive to me.
I know I was playing “guys, I love DBry but this shit is getting really uncomfortable to me!” card quite a lot around that time. I know others were as well.
Or did you want to come in here and be like, “A-Ha! I figured out where everyone else is wrong and I am right and I am going to humble everyone here by sharing my super secret knowledge and they will all bow to my greatness.”
As someone that’s done that before on posts about Inception and shit, I can sympathize. But, no, sorry bro.
“I didn’t get Inception!”
“We like the person but the character is a bad dude.”
OK, I realize that pro wrestling requires some 1984-double speak, but I don’t buy the “it’s acceptable when the heel does it, because it’s just his *character,* and he’s supposed to do it. But when it’s the face, it’s totally wrong you guys, because…. because…. well, I don’t like the face anymore.”
Was it acceptable– really– when Stone Cold stunned Stacy for not drinking a beer, or whatever? It wasn’t, right? Because he was a face at the time? But it was OK when Bubba put Diva’s through tables, b/c he was a heel?
@STINGER (I think): I’m just argumentative in general. That’s why I try not to post much here. I enjoy reading, and I don’t want to be one of the posters nobody likes. So I generally shut up. The double standard, and the ‘we kinda hate everything Punk does now’ stuff just got to me today. Sorry folks.
What point are you trying to make, exactly? Who here’s trying to argue for Austin and the Dudleyz? Get a grip, guy.
I got Inception when it was called Total Recall.
And yes, exactly Guitarzan. Remember a little film called STAR WARS and remember how fucking badass Darth Vader was because he was cold murdering planets just because? Yeah, we all knew it was a bad thing to do but he’s a bad guy and we knew he was a bad guy because he was straight fucking murdering planets.
Remember a little film called STAR WARS: 2 ATTACK OF THE CLONES. Well, if you don’t it’s okay. Go to your local library, they might have a copy.
But, if you do remember it there is a scene where baby Darth Vader straight murders a bunch of alien people and it’s a bad thing and not something we point to as cool because he was a good guy who just did something bad and it makes you uncomfortable.
That works because it’s a way from getting to point A to point B. Point A being “good guy” and Point B being “bad guy”.
The problem with the DUB DUB E is that they’ll have Cena or Austin or Rock or whoever do really bad shit but it doesn’t mean anything: they’re still the good guys and they’re doing bad shit because lol they’re cool.
When DBry started doing that bad stuff to AJ we could point to it and say, “Hey, DBry was a good guy and we can see him become a bad guy because of how he is acting to AJ.” That’s called character development.
When Punk does dickish stuff to AJ or everyone else and it goes nowhere that isn’t character development, it’s just him being a “good guy” by being better and smarter and cooler than anyone else. It’s him being a bully, but we never get that character development and it’s painful to watch and deplorable fucking shit.
I hope that helps, bro.
@Guitarzan That is exactly correct. Bad guys are supposed to do bad things. Good guys are supposed to do good things.
People love Darth Vader because he does awesome, evil things and he’s not real. When it’s not real, you can root for the bad guy.
Holy crap, Stinger and I both used the Darth Vader comparison. High five!
HIGH FIVE!
(I don’t even like Star Wars)
(Not even the first 3)
(Well, Empire is cool with me. That’s watchable and fun.)
(And the first half hour of Jedi)
(Wait, does that make me a Star Wars fan?)
(Fuck, I’ve been really contrarian about this for years.)
(Fuck)
I’m not sure I even understand the comparison’s between DBry’s behavior and Punk’s RE: AJ. Punk just seems kind of awkward and not really sure how to handle the girl who keeps running up to him who he has seen kind of lose her shit before. Calling her crazy isn’t exactly nice but he tried to set her straight with LOGIC! and she broke down in tears. This isn’t exactly Punk being “the COOLEST AND TEH BEST OMG COOL GUY”.
All right, fine. I get it. Darth Vader was awesome (and actually, I think I probably cackled with glee when Anakin killed those sand people or whatever in Ep II).
I still say that Punk hasn’t said anything that bad to AJ (because she *was* acting crazy, and it’s OK to tell her that– he didn’t say “go kill yourself”).
But Punk is almost getting “go-away heat” for everything these days. So I’ll just quietly like CM Punk by myself. I hope some of you will join me again when he eventually turns heel. =/
My roommate in college dated this really cute girl with rad tattoos and was totally my type at the time. They were together for like two years and after he broke up with her her first reaction was to come to me. I thought she just needed a friend, we had kind of been frenemies or whatever, and I was polite about it. Whenever she started to come onto me in weird ways I never said, “Lol, you’re crazy get the fuck out.”
I didn’t like this girl a whole lot and sure, at that point in my life I probably would have hooked up with her if she was just a random chick. She wasn’t. I knew her. She was hurt. I didn’t want to take advantage of that.
So, instead of making her feel worse or taking advantage of her pain by hooking up with her I tried to be respectful and decent in making sure there was a difference.
Punk chose to be kind of cruel and then fuck with her head by coming on to her so that she’ll either keep pursuing him and he’s not actually interested, or he’ll take advantage of a gal who is Having Issues.
Either way it’s pretty shitty!
And Guitarzan, don’t feel bad. Post more. We’re all righteous bros and chicks here.
I can’t wait for Punk to have long hair, get his old music back, turn heel, and shit on Jeff Hardy’s poor fucking life. Until he does he’ll continue being the worst to me.
the problem I have with Punk calling AJ crazy is that it’s in response to nothing. She literally says “hi” and he says “you’re crazy and a fool”. No provocation or any reason to run her down, he just does it.
Maybe Punk’s been watching Smackdown/PPVs? She has been stalking D-Bry like she’s Kane and flipping out on everything with a vagina.
Fair enough. In the real world, a guy like Punk should (and probably would) actually comfort his coworker. But Vince would probably call Punk a fag and take the title of off him if he acted like a senstive guy on camera. So… some things just aren’t going to happen on a wrestling program.
The sad thing from my perspective, is that I enjoyed the segment, because it was sort of funny (Punk’s discomfort and AJ suddenly stopping crying), *and* it means that AJ is going to be on TV more. And yet I said to myself “This segment is going to get a ‘worst,’ because CM Punk.”
…So yeah, I kind of came here today expecting to defend the segment. A losing proposition, clearly.
I don’t think the segment was a best or a worst, I just needed to interact with THESTINGER. It’s a slow burn for Wrestlemania, I’m not sure I can maintain the feud that long.
Don’t worry dude, I’m saving up my STINGER SPLASHES so I can unload them all before finally putting you into the SCORPION DEATHLOCK.
[www.youtube.com]
For me, I see it like Batman and his villains. We all recognize that Joker and Two face are insane, and if we met them in real life, we would run or attack them. But on TV/Film/Comics, we find them interesting. I don’t think anyone roots for serial killers in real life, but people like watching Dexter, correct?
No, people do not like to watch Dexter.
Nah, The way I see it Punk is a) a bit uncomfortable with the resident crazylady reacting all weird towards him and b) trying to reach out and make her realize she’s not acting rational. (Much like Kaitlyn tried). When she starts crying he, awkwardly tries to comfort her, and when she suddenly stops his “I sorta dig crazy chiks” I see as more of his way of saying: “You’re nuts, but that’s okay” i.e. he doesn’t see her as a trap laid by Bryan anymore.
Can “fake rumors Brandon sent to 411Mania” become a regular feature, please?
Also, I think Santino’s point re: The Cobra was that, until he does the wrist/elbow bends and wrist turn, it’s just his arm in a cobra sleeve. In order to accomplish the body alchemy that turns his arm into an actual poisonous snake, he has to do the whole ceremony. Think of it like the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Only Santino knows the acupressure points that, when properly struck, make human fingers create and excrete a topical toxin that mimics cobra venom.
Fake Rumor Brandon Sent to 411Mania: CM Punk will wake up, it being the morning after MITB, in a cold flop-sweat after nightmares of wearing HHH’s jacket and acting like he was immature for a 12 year old. He will go back to being awesome and shoot-ish.
I still maintain that the real CM Punk is tied up in a community college basement with Dean Pelton.
With these two.
and me hopefully
And.
Annie > Britta, but Rachel > Annie > Britta
Goth Britta gets real close to Annie.
G-d, I have no taste.
Should we be posting pics of Alison Brie this soon after her breaking Burnsy’s heart?
The guy’s taking it pretty hard :(
Burnsy can always rebound with Kate Upton.
“Rachel > Annie > Britta.”
I think I’d go with. . . Ann Perkins > Annie> Rachel > Britta.
MMM. Rashida Jones
“No Rosa Mendes this week, so we do what we must”
She was in a car crash here in Las Vegas, I feel terrible, WHY WASN’T I THERE TO RESCUE HER!!!???
@Brandon it was a joke cool down. I understand why you say what you say, and i respect it. I’m just being a jerk.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Dude, Animorph reference? Fantastic!
d’aww, nobody else read the adventures of the animal morphing teenagers?
“GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! THAT HOVEROUND JUST RAN OVER AUSTIN!”
Seriously though, psyched to be in the top 10 comments bit. I genuinely never thought I’d get in, what with this time difference meaning I can’t actually watch raw with you guys. Thankful though.
Rikishi: “I did it for Big Johnny. I did it for the People Power.”
?
And at the last minute too! Congrats Mr. Snrub.
The only downside is now I might be expected to be funny. There was no pressure before, and I could say any old shit.
Just post AJ pics and they’ll love you forever.
or Rachel Summerlyn pics
*loves LTF forever*
Since I couldn’t comment during Raw (stupid internets not working!), I just want to say that when Laurinaitis rolled out, the first thing I thought of was Sad Tim Sylvia in His Wheelchair of Despair.
If Laurenitis lost, couldn’t Big Show have just asked the new GM for his job back?
You’re right, I’m being far too logical with this line of thinking.
Cena did bring that up, or at least that any new GM with half a brain would re-hire him. But I guess the guaranty of an “iron-clad” contract was alluring to the big galoot.
I thought that too but, no that wouldn’t work because Eve has pics of Big Show kissing Dixie Carter.
I’ve never seen Show and AJ Styles in the same place before!!!!
i’d like to see show try a pele kick and just fall over backwards on his giant head
You forgot the the time he beat a dude clean, decided that wasn’t enough, then dropped eleventy-billion chairs on him*
*on top of a dolly he was laying under
oh, how we laughed and laughed for days about that!
and we means john cena and jerry lawler.
CONTROVERSY: Paulina Gretzky doesn’t do a thing for me.
Yeah, she’s just a trashy chick who smokes and is ugh yeah.
Then again I only like this Katherine Upton lady in like 1/3 of the pictures I’ve seen her in.
I wasn’t a big fan of Kate Upton until I saw that Cat Daddy video. That was pretty froot.
I’d like Punk to stop trying to make MMA references when he talks. He’s thrown out two that immediately come to mind (one was on Raw), and instead of laughing and clapping my hands, I just think “Ugh, don’t try to equate the two this way, Punk”.
“Where I come from, women are to be respected and revered.” –CM Punk to Chris Brown, Feb 2012
“Gyat dang, I just loves me a crazy bitch!” –CM Punk to AJ, May 2012
Only way to explain this is that Punk is infected by that misogynistic-Peter-Parker black suit symbiote from Spider-Man 3.
If Punk does this I think we need to kidnap him and stage an intervention for his own good.
I’m pretty sure I saw Punk lose his shit in a piano bar, come to think of it.
Does this mean one day Punk will tear out his tattoos screaming, and the tats will run onto Trent Baretta and he’ll go insane and try and kill Punk?
I wish Chris Brown saw Raw and would call him out on that.
Course, Punk would just saw, “lol it’s just a show, bro.”
If anyone is the Eddie Brock to Punk’s Peter Parker, it would be Chuck Taylor. F.I.S.T. for LIFE!
Glad to see that you have recognized that Dolph Ziggler’s Man Stripper Ass Roll is ALWAYS a Best.
“ass roll” is really funny to me for some reason
How come it never looks half as good when I do it??
Have you tried it with an angel hair pasta wig, LTF?
1) I have no better way to describe it. 2) Maybe you need more practice. 3) I bet that would totally make it work.
Adult Dagotron: I had a feeling that comment might be up your alley, Brandon. Thanks for the recognition.
The kid inside Dagotron: AW YEAH TOP TEN BITCHEZ
“they can put him in a ceremonial mask and say he’s a savage invader looking to seize control of the Inter-Continent.”
I laughed my ass off at that one. Good read, as all ways. Keep up the good work.
LOL, CAMACHO!
@Brandon – please don’t hate me, but sometimes, when I look at pictures of you, all I think is “That is the same hair Nexus-era Mike McGillicutty had”. Luckily, you don’t have similar facial features, and your eyes are not dead, lifeless rocks, so there’s not much of a resemblance. Good report, by the way!
Great recap Brandon, well worth the wait! Question for you though: How does one obtain picture posting privileges? There is a serious lack of Maryse and Vickie pics in the Raw forum.
BRANDONBRANDONBRANDON *catches breath* Rachel Summerlyn is a Childish Gambino fan! I think I love her.
Have you seen this picture?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know which one I’m more jealous of….her probably.
Wow, his penis really IS irresistible to white bitches!
“Chillin’ with my N-words, say it like a white kid. Yes your booty’s big as hers, say that to my white bitch.”
Although I take offense of equating my new celebrity Twitter crush with anything close to a B-word Lester.
I apologise, LTF. It’s just that…
He loves pussy! He love bitches! Dude, he should be running PETA!
“Butcher and I know it man. Kill beef! Go H.A.M.!”
will i get kicked out of the ‘cool kids what can post pictures and whatnot club’ if i say i don’t really like gambino’s music?
if Lobster gets kicked out of the club can i have her spot?
“I just blue myself.”
if otunga does a “Now where is my coffee?” bit, then finds it in Big Johnny’s hoveround basket, thus starting a Big Johnny stealing random things arc, I will lose my shit.
Alex Riley thinks X Pac was underrated because fuck you.
[www.wwe.com]
To be a safe, you should write a Best/Worst with nothing but AJ/Rosa/Ziggler pics & gifs in it for when there’s a problem again. I think that’d hold us till the next week.
Agreed. I would be quite satisfied w/ nothing but gifs of Ziggles shaking what the good Lord gave him.
I’m sorry THESTINGER, but Goth Britta is easily the second hottest thing in this picture, and I’m straight.
The first is Garrett clearing his throat in the background, right?
CRISIS ALERT!
DAMMIT I want a redo……
*ahem* SEXUAL IDENTITY-CRISIS ALERT.
Crisis is another word for orgasm round my town, so your first comment may still be accurate.
I gotta agree with you on this one, LTF. Britta has nothing on that version of Jeff.
When I saw Britta in that outfit in a promo picture, I just assumed Chang forced her to dress up like Pauley Perrette. I always imagined Chang as an NCIS fan.
“No Touching”
So that Revolution Campaign is totally about Connor O’Brian Right?
The rumors that I’ve read have been pretty disappointing. Like, it may be the announcement of a new video game. Whatever.
…And since I’m only slightly obsessive about reading rumors and news; and I’d *never* heard of O’Brian until a week or so ago, I can’t imagine it would be him. I mean, there’s been a lot more consistant buzz around Ambrose, and he’s actually been in dark matches.
at least ambrose will be on the new NXT when ever that actually airs. I can’t wait.
There was speculation that it was Matt Morgan
Also heard it was voldemort
Eli Cottonwood for the Mustache Revolution. All bearded Superstars have officially been warned.
I heard that nobody confirmed it being called the Revolution Campaign, and the real name is the Wii Campaign.
Just like always, the end of RAW once again proves:
John Cena with a camera man >>> Entire RAW roster in the ring fighting.
Dan Harmon needs a new job. WWE needs better writers. MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!
We’re already in the darkest timeline.
RUSSO is and will always be the darkest timeline.
Yeah as long as Cody Rhodes doesn’t show up next week with a goatee I think we’re fine for now.
Don’t know what i’d like to see more, a zombie raw or a paintball smackdown.
If Harmon doesn’t just fucking finish La Cosa Nostroid I’ll be pissed off.
I mean, I like Community as much as you all (well, maybe not because I acknowledge the truth that Parks and Rec is superior) but the motherfucker needs to finish Nostroid. Schrab finished Scud, afterall.
After Punk berated AJ, Raw increased to 12% darkness
Right there with you STINGER, Parks & Rec has been absolutely killing it for 3 straight seasons.
AJ is Annie for sure, but who is Punk?
I dunno, but Johnny is the Dean…right?
I have high hopes for what the influence of Joseph Campbell can do Dolph Ziggler.
HA! Johnny should totally start dressing up in costumes to tell the roster bad knews. Question is Otunga Winger?
“Bad news, everyone: I’ve signed you all up for a handicapped tag match against Cena!”
Big Show is easily Pierce Hawthorne.
And if Otunga is Winger, Johnny has to figure out a way to touch him and his abs each time he speaks to him.
Can’t wait till “At Least It Was Here” replaces burn it to the ground.
@Arrested: The popular answer around here is that Punk is probably Annie’s abusive boyfriend from high school who got her hooked on pills. …No, that’s not Community canon, but Punk’s the worst, right? …Wait, maybe Punk is Britta! He totally Britta’d his cool-factor when he became champ.
I guess Troy is Kofi, because the 8-Bit version of Troy wouldn’t stop jumping around.
+1 @ IrishCream’s Troy=Kofi idea. =D
@IrishCream I laughed my ass off at the 8-bit episode, i loved it.
and @theguysnameican’tspell yeah hes probally Britta/
Alright who is is starting a Community Wrestling Entertainment E-Fed? I might or might not actually aprove of that.
First he’s no longer a prince and now he’s no longer a lord. Albert just can’t catch a break with the class system.
I feel like every week I just comment and say “Good job Brandon! I liked the column again this week!” which is still true but I’m sick of it and also too lazy to type up my own opinions about Raw so instead let’s just go with MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
co-sign
Hey guys, if you’re gonna pic spam Rachel Summerlyn (and you should pic spam Rachel Summerlyn) then for God’s sake, pic spam the coolest known picture of her in existence
They should have a pre-match segment before everything where Justin Roberts names five things he likes about the wrestlers. “And now, a man who has a cool purple jacket and has been employed by WWE since 2010 … he ranked #336 of the top 500 singles wrestlers in 2011′s PWI 500 and most recently brought a box to the ring for his special hat! He loves his mother, ladies and gentlemen JINDER MAHAL!”
That would be amazing
Vince: “But that’ll add another hour to the show and we’re… going to 3 hours in June… … Goddammit, Thatsamare, you’ve done it!”
Hasn’t Ricardo Rodriguez been doing that for years?
@ Lester: Egads, you’re right! I’ve. . . I’ve RUINED IT!
@ Mr Snrub: Exactly, and Alberto Del Rio is awesome. Speaking of Del Rio, I’d be totally OK if he were to hold the US title for a bit while he regroups and teaks his character a bit.
Is everyone else kidding when they say they can’t tell who the silhouettes are? Because I thought it was pretty obvious it was Jericho, Del Rio and old Lesnar. Maybe a joke just went completely over my head, but yeah.
I seriously thought Zack Ryder, Tyson Kidd’s head on a bigger body, and maybe Del Rio.
I suppose cheat code Tyson Kidd is a possibility, Lesnar was the one I was least sure abut.
@Stinger: I thought Ryder as well. Speaking of Ryder, is it just me, or does anyone else think he’s about to get future endeavored?
Poor Ryder, I want to like Ryder and I like Ryder in theory but ugh, fucking Ryder. Yeah, I could see them dumping him because why not? He sold all the merch he was ever going to sell by now.
I still think we’re near the endgame of WWE’s long-con punishment of Zack Ryder for having the audacity to build and cultivate a fanbase on his own. Remember where he was at in December?
I agree with Stinger. I like Ryder in the theory that he actually has a gimmick other than generic heel/face wrestler guy. He even carries that personality and charcter into the ring and makes it a part of his matches. Unfortunately, the character can only take you as far as your in ring skills and he kinda lacks in that deptartment. I think he could actually be an awesome asshole heel if he wanted to be one, but I don’t really think he can hang in the ring with the big dogs.
Prove me wrong, kids. PROVE ME WRONG!
I saw it as Jericho, Del Rio (or Ziggler, it’s the hair really) and Wade Barrett. It might be I’m just seeing what I want to see.
Zack Ryder, Brunette Ziggler, Matt Striker. FIN.
Not to be a downer, but WWE did a feature about Underrated wrestlers, and Dolph Ziggler’s Pick for most underrated was The Ass Man. I don’t know how to feel about that.
He respects the ass wiggle
Speacking of ACW, could we get ACH on Withspandex’s podcast? I’ve seen 2 of his matches and I am impressed. I would like to hear him speak about non-wrestling related stuff. . . Su Yung would be another great interview. At least, I’m assuming so because she’s pretty hot.
I watched RAW, and I read the B&W article. I can’t really think of anything more to add at the moment.
That’ll do, White. That’ll do.
Thanks for the B/W.
I dont remember who said this, but, they deserved to be in the top 10 comments of the week with the (paraphrased line):
“I’m going to start watching wrestling like a WWE Superstar: standing directly next to the TV, head turned sideways, body facing forward.”
Brilliant
If anyone could convince me to start drinking coffee, it’s David Otunga. But only if he tells me what it’s made of.
/5 Hour Energy Guy
David Otunga only drinks “Almost Coffee.” It’s like Coffee, but not actually coffee.
Is that like Almost Pizza?
It’s close enough to coffee, but can’t Legally be called coffee.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Does it shatter like glass if you spill it?
It’s delicious!
*pretends to drink it, but is very obviously pouring it behind his mouth as it dribbles on the floor*
The puddle that spilled on the floor killed the cat and is sliding under the refrigerator.
Does “Almost Coffee” contain plenty of “Malk”?
Is it just me, or is Smackdown’s title picture all of a sudden stale as shit?
Sheamus. Yawn. Del Rio. Surprising yawn. Jericho. Hate to say it, but yawn. Orton. YAWN. YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN YAWN. Kind of hard to believe when you consider Jericho’s only been back since January, and Del Rio since Wrestlemania, but here we are.
And it’s even worse because Christian was right there. Instead he has to come back and hold the WWE equivalent (at least in their minds) of the TNA Heavyweight Championship, which possibly minimizes someone who should probably be at least challenging for the world title right now (Rhodes). And that doesn’t even take into account whatever the fuck they’re doing with Ziggler.
Agreed. I like how Orton keeps getting rewarded with big time matches, even though he seems bored as shit with all of this. Seriously, he lazily walks down the ramp, slowly gets on the top turnbuckle, and uses what little energy he has left to lift his arms up and half-open his eyes while he smirks. Orton doesn’t really show any signs of life until he sets up for the RKO by doing what looks like a pre-rape attack stance.
[www.youtube.com] Has anyone else seen this D-Bryan rap? It’s pretty good.
Or they go in the other direction: “Did You Know? WWE Raw is The Alpha and The Omega, The Beginning and The End. The Morning and The Evening Star!” Brilliant!
“Did You Know? WWE is one of the five wealthiest people in the world known as the pentaverate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers. And meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion known as the Meadows.”
Anyone read the new David Shoemaker article on Grantland? Mind=Blown
Wow, that is really a great piece of writing.
Him comparing title matches and Cena matches to the Super Bowl and the Pro Bowl was pretty damn brilliant.
Then again, he pointed out CenaFam (starring Cena Dad) was also in the front row of Extreme Rules in addition to Over the Limit. I feel like someone told me Santa wasn’t real for the first time.
The most mind-blowing fact is that one year of Brock Lesnar cost the WWE two million dollars more than all of WCW, for all time.
Very good.
Sometime before Punk-AJ-you-crazy-gate I made a comment on the open thread about AJ and emotional/erotic manipulation which I now feel bad about because it makes me look like one of those blame the victim types…I was just excited by the promotional material for No Way Out, which makes it look as if they might be about to let AJ assert some sort of resistance…Given the likelihood of WWE ever presenting a progressive and mutually-supportive image of gender relations, I’d even accept idiots chanting “hoeski” if it meant that they allowed AJ to do something other than just stand there and meekly accept abuse from both sides of the douchebag-awesome cool guy spectrum/love her abusers more the more they abuse her. I mean, WE’d know she was just asserting some basic human dignity, right?
Yeah, I see the AJ thing playing out a handful of ways, none of them particularly good for the “treat AJ like a real person” contingent:
1. It just gets dropped after a few weeks, no more mention of anything weird between anyone involved
2. AJ uses “wiles” to play Punk and Bryan against each other
3. AJ enlists the help of Kharma to punch Punk and Bryan in the head a bunch, there are weird sapphic undertones to their relationship.
Three. Three.
Incidentally, Kharma punching men in the head was my fantasy booking blow-off for the Kane-Cena-Ryder arc a few months back
The No Way Out poster that came out a few weeks ago had me hoping the AJ/Bryan relationship would play out like a more family-friendly version of Polanski’s Bitter Moon, with AJ gaining some sort of leverage over Bryan and treating him like he treated her, in an awesome dysfunctional comedy relationship that keeps my favourite wrestler and diva on screen. Still hoping for that, but they’re taking their sweet time.
I was way more excited to find out I had a top ten comment than I was when I got a really good performance evaluation at work today. I’m not sure what that says about me.
Also, Serf Tensai FTW.
Swagger looks like a stop motion video of an action figure or something.
It’s like he’s only coordinated enough to move 2 points of articulation at a time.
i read this column cus i like it. i tell my friends about it bc of things like comparing cena to screech singing the bayside song.
Tensai translates as natural disaster. So they’re rehashing a classic fat guy gimmick incognito?
Too bad they dropped the “lord”, Lord Natural Disaster is a badass name.
Great read, as always.
““Did You Know? WWE Raw is The Alpha and The Omega, The Beginning and The End. The Morning and The Evening Star!””
And instantly everyone will predict this is a promo for the Undertaker.
I never thought Eve was hot until she started dressing like a sexy librarian, now I can’t get enough.
I am an incredibly shallow person, apparently.
An unabashed +1. Glasses, half-slip and all.
LTF, any room in that large Texan heart of yours for at least one Monday night of sexy Eve photes?
I don’t think AJ plays crazy very convincingly; she’s too cute to seem crazy. When she’s all flustered it seems more like a kitten getting tangled in yarn than a woman in the throes of psychic torment. Victoria is still the best crazy diva in recent years.
So, late yesterday afternoon, I remember I’m gonna come hang out here while I watch RAW and stuff. So I get here and see this has been posted, and it dawns on me… and I check the lil clock in the corner to be sure. Yep, already Wednesday. And I’m like “Damn, it’s already Wednesday. What the hell, me?” And I thought about how messed up, how out-of-sorts, how incoherent and disorganized someone has to be to miss something a weekly thing they actually enjoy by two full days without even realizing it. And then I went back to the 36 flippin’ tabs I had open and finally made it here to read this like 9 hours later. I am supposedly reasonably intelligent and insightful, but man, I am a total wreck of a human being.
But enough about that, it looks like this was a fairly fun, if not especially good, show. Little sad I missed it. It’s pretty distressing how easily the current WWE morphs into a cartoony old school video game without really having to stretch your imagination at all though. Truly, these are dark and confusing times…
I’ve been saying forever that Claudio Castagnoli is a dead ringer for Soda Popinski. Complete with European (Eurasian?) uppercuts.
Any ideas on what the ‘Revolution X’ starting next week is all about?
a video game where you rescue aerosmith by shooting aerosmith cds at bad guys.
For supposedly being the super cool good guy, Punk sure acts like a complete douchebag most of the time. Watching AJ fake cry on TV was really painful, not because I felt sorry for her, but because it was really bad, like Eve fake crying bad, but at least she gets to be on TV and doing stuff so I should be happy about that.
Also, I don’t care what anyone says, I love Eve being the hotter Aksana/Tiffany to Big Johnny’s Teddy Long. As long as she’s there in addition to David Otunga and his fabulous argyle sweaters and thermo,s and not instead of, then I’m totally down with it.
So, can we not ever have Aksana do anything again ever?
Her amazing mic skills, ravishing beauty, and uncanny wrestling ability are just too much to justify her WWE existence.
The silouhette on the right = Mason Ryan. Possibly. maybe. could be someone else entirely.
Whoa, this is interesting: [www.tmz.com]
With Jericho now out of the picture for who knows how long, who is going to attract our interest and keep us hanging indefinitely without any story progress or payoff to their angle?
I know, right? I’ll drink to tha– [whiskey bottle immediately shatters, spilling all over tight leather pants]