Best: David Otunga Is Back!
oh thank god
Things can return to normal now that my favorite character in professional wrestling (narrowly ahead of Maxine and Johnny Curtis as NXT’s Team Rocket and near-sighted tattle-tail Veda Scott), Mr. David Otunga, has returned from his real-life obligations. His thermos still matches his sweater, by the way. A quick Best and Worst of photos from David Otunga’s Raw hiatus:
Worst: This courtroom photo where the person drew him to look like f**king Al Sharpton.
Best: This photo of him and Jennifer Hudson on a roller coaster.
Notice how Otunga returned and Eve’s total screentime was a silent minute at the very end. Never leave us again, David.
Best: People Actually Like The Big Show
And while we’re on the subject of unflattering pictures:
A homemade, airbrushed Randy Orton shirt, a medallion and a Big Show poster that is 15% WWE logos. You, my hilarious little friend, are the sign of the night.
Best?: Kane Versus Big Show Wasn’t That Bad, Really
I remember watching the first few minutes of this match (which is only like, five minutes long) and thinking “wow, this isn’t as bad as I expected it to be”. They fought with a sense of urgency, and while it wasn’t their catch-as-catch-can classic from years ago it was a big man versus big man fight that moved along briskly and (as the Battleship commercials say) had “a heartbeat”.
I might as well have walked out onto my balcony and said “hey, the weather sure is nice!” before a tornado touched down, destroyed my house and dropped me off in the merry old land of f**king Oz.
Hilarious, Hilarious Worst: 22 Minutes Of Big Emotions
And now the centerpiece to the May 14 edition of Raw, nearly a half an hour of John Laurinaitis trying to top that time Ricardo Rodriguez ran over the Big Show’s leg in a car by forcing him to get on his knees and beg for his job.
Honestly? I sorta liked it. Some of that has to do with me loving John Laurinaitis and hating the Big Show, but I thought as a concept it was pretty well done — Laurinaitis was being a terrible, reprehensible boss to one of his employees for a petty reason and not whipping out a chair and having his bald Japanophile manservant hold them down, he was just being a coldhearted prick. It was an exaggerated version of a situation tons of people have been in before … a menial task boss decides to lord his power over you, and as a human being you just kinda want it to be over so you can go back to doing the menial tasks.
I remember my boss at Blockbuster Video telling 19-year old me that I should just shut up and do my job, because I was never going to amount to anything and this was the best I could do. I spent two years as a trainer at Olive Garden (a job I recommend to anyone who wants to go vegan for life and hate strangers), and I remember our management changing and the new boss deciding to “make an example” of me in front of the staff so people would respect him. I remember so many of these ridiculous situations where someone with a sad heart made the purposeful decision to be cruel because their situation in life had become slightly more advantageous than another’s. At no point did any of these people pull down their pants and try to make me kiss their ass cheek, and that’s why I thought the segment worked better than most.
I also thought Show did a solid job of being a blubbering chump. You have to suspend disbelief and assuming TNA doesn’t exist in the WWE Universe and Show has found himself in a Shawn Michaels situation where he’s living paycheck-to-paycheck and can be Virgil’d at any moment, but as a guy about to get laid off from the only job he’s ever had, he did well. I felt bad for him and wanted him to punch John Laurinaitis in the face and go traipsing off to NXT to wrestle Curt Hawkins for William Regal. Just like his feud with Cody Rhodes, one of my least favorite wrestlers elicited enough reason and emotion to get me on his side, and hoping he’d bop the guy I like and shut him up.
All that being said, there is no goddamn reason for you to devote 22 minutes of a primetime wrestling show to us watching Big Show cry about being fired. F**k you.
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I want to live in the alternate universe where Big Show was corpsing during his segment.
MILLIONS BILLIONS MILLIONS BILLIONS
(i’d argue that ARRUHARRUHARRUH is still better than Woo Woo Woo, however)
I know it’s the dog bark, but the first time I glanced at that, I thought of Futurama’s Nixon: Harroo!
And in one fail swoop, O’Neal & Young won me over!
*fell swoop
You were right the first time. Did Darren Young really just fall off the second turnbuckle for his devastating finisher? Really? Really?
Is it just me, or does Darren Young follow everything he does/says with a look to O’Neal as if to say “Did I do good?! Did I do good?!”
No but at least they are having fun with it, When Zack does his Woo Woo Woo in a promo it is awesome, when he does it before doing the Broski boot I like MILLIONS BILLIONS better
Are you reciting our website?LOL avatar.com
AJ and Punk is now the thing I root for the most in this world. Bryanson can chant all he wants, but that would be the new MachoLiz hotness.
Conversation from last night:
Wife: I want some cereal
Me: Me too!
Wife: Pass me the Apple Jacks
Me: Here’s the Apples Jack you asked for
Wife: Tha…wait what? Say that again.
Me: Apples Jack.
Wife: Apple Jacks.
Me: Apples Jack.
Wife: APPLE JACKS!
Me: APPLES JACK!!!
Long story short, I slept on the couch…
This is the best comment. Apples Jack is correct. Also, “Froots Loop”.
We quickly made up after she said that DBry was the best member of The Nexxus.
Where does it go when pluralizing a certain beverage? Coconuts Drank?
@Alopezb5 – David Otunga is the best member of the Nexus. Daniel Bryan was gone after the first attack and barely counts.
Now YOU’RE sleeping on the couch tonight, MR!
Philip Rosenbaum, can I call you Phil for short? *Gets down on one knee*
PHIL let me paint you a picture here:
Alopezb5 gives Mr. McMahon a Stunner or whatever.
Alopezb5 begins to yell at time keeper: “Throw me some Coconut Water ENERGIES Drank!”
Alopezb5 chugs! Pours some on Vince.
~FIN~
Please do shorten it to Phil. I hate that I used my name. And that makes the most sense, ENERGIES Drank. Gracias, ALo.
MILLION OF DOLLAR
Glad to be of service, and I chuckled at “ALo”, that was my high school nick name.
I figured I wasn’t being too presumptive with it since it’s in your twitter handle.
. . . . forgot it’s also part of my username on Twitter, face->palm!
[twitter.com] by the way in case you want to follow, I love cheaps plug.
@Brandon *
DBry’s one night w/ The Nexxus > Otunga’s whole run w/The Nexxus/New Nexxus.
I will Pokémon Battle you to the death over this.
Also, 2 > 1?
Why are you spelling Nexus like The Corre?
Didn’t it have two? Or was that the hair products? ….*Googling* … I stand corrected.
My apologies, my Energies Drank is wearing off FAST!
Alopezb5, that couch is lucky to have you. Apples Jack forever!
Thanks Bear, although my neck was killing me this morning. Probably because I sleep on couches the same way THE & MrsTHESTINGER’s dog does. #WLTwitterPals
9/10 Phillips Rosenbaum agree.
Millions Dollar.
APPLE-FLAVORED JACKS would be the Thomeian way to put it, right?
I wish you wrote for WWE. Not, like, storylines or anything, just the dialogue that they say within those storylines. Because if Triple H went out to the ring to calmly explain that Brock Lesnar was a borderline-retarded albino farmhand with Super Diarrhea Disease, it would have been promo of the year.
I wish I did too, friend. Write your local congressman.
Heyman was such Ducksauce last night. He didn’t add anything, save for his throwing around of legal mumbo jumbo. His lawsuit decree was most egregious, seeing as how “his client” put his hands all over the guy he just threatened. Clean up the underside of your desks, fanboys. Heyman’s got little to nothing left.
I think he’s just working with terrible material. He should start trying to hit Triple H with a Zack Morris cell phone.
Hey-nous Alliance
His first week was okay, but him being second string Lesnar is lame. Plus, why can’t we have his Extreme match? All is forgiven if he has to wrestle AS Lesnar at some point.
At some point, hearing Lesnar’s music and having Heyman come out is going to be a letdown. It might have already happened.
#OtungaLaw
You are crime, Otunga is law.
@Tobogganing Bear WORD
I actually was pleasantly surprised by Punk’s response to AJ, and here’s why:
The absolute FIRST thought that came to mind, evidenced in the comments of the open thread, is that AJ had become a D-Bry Spy. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve watched wrestling for so long, or if I’m just really in tune with soap operas (sports operas?).
Punk quickly snuffed that out. Was it the most eloquent way of putting it? Not particularly. I actually had more of a problem with how he was stumbling through his point than the point he was actually trying to make. But I appreciated him preventing a crazy elephant in the room going unnoticed.
Also, LFT needs recognition for his MVP performance in the thread last night.
LTF. LastTexansFan. I’m apparently dyslexic.
MVP of providing numerous hards on last night?
I think AJ is ridiculously cute, as in she’d make for a great little sister.
No hards ons here.
(/hums LastTexansFan’s theme out of respect, admiration)
thanks for the s/o fearless leader.
The middle of Page 2 left me looking like this, @_@
Even though the John Cena promo was ugly and stupid, Big Johnny came off looking like the coolest dude ever when Cena prodded him to spit out what he had to say about the Pittsburgh Penguins, then tried to interrupt him again, only for them to say “Losers” at the exact same time. Amazing.
Johnny could barely keep from busting up. I’m not even going to guess what shenanigans will occur (**cough cough bigshow cough*). I’m just going to rnjoy it (I hope) as it unfolds.
also, the crowd was a big-time face crowd, thus making me completely stunned by the excellence of the DB YES! moments.
I’m absolutely convinced HHH reads all the blogs…and does the total opposite. They don’t like me opening the show? Bam, 15 minute open. CM Punk is the coolest? Bam, complete character flip. He’s like the Emeril of bad booking. Bam!
We like to think that Vince is the one toying with our emotions, all HHH means is more Haley Williams Gifs
So we all see Big Show coming back and helping Johnny Ace win against Cena to show how sorry he was and how he is a team player. This opens up a “light feud with Cena so he can adjust to the divorce… I just wish Johnny fired him like 2 weeks ago or something so it would be more of a surprise.
I understand why Cena went all Pet Detective. He just found out that his wife is a disgraced former NFL kicker with a dick. I just look forward to Sunday when he puts Big Johnny in his awful STF and screams “LIKE A GLOVE”!
After the inevitable Big Show run-in at The Over Limit, I want to see Johnny stand over a knocked-out Cena and proclaim that he will now proceed to lose 30lbs PORKIN’ HIS (ex)WIFE!
Kane Versus Big Show Wasn’t That Bad, Really ???? It was complete utter rubbish, salvaged solely by that terrifically horrendous “chokeslam” kane delivered. Someone please make a gif of that and you will have my sword in battle
It’s a sad state of affairs when a bad match is saved by terrible finish….
I did love that terrible chokeslam. I’ll justify it by pretending that Kane has unresolved emotions from last year when he was screaming for help after Big Show got run over.
making practice squad based on raw athletic talent, not a college football career, is hardly a miserable fail.
Is our bad that I side-skipped, arms in the air yelling “YES!” at my place of business for making the top ten?
Thank you Big Show and Cody Rhodes’ former distractionary measures for making this possible.
The Sophie’s Choice/Zack and Cody analogy with Big show leading to Brodus had me literally laughing out loud. Great job this week.
Last night reminded me of the Galactic Senate bullshit from The Phantom Menace.
Is it hypocritical to yell “Yes!” down the hallways of your school with a leather jacket on?
Nah, DB’s only vegan for health reasons.
Wait a second, since you’re a vegan aren’t you against the name of this site and do you think it should be changed to something like with carrots?
No, the story of the site’s name involves Chris Berman picking up ladies, I wouldn’t change it to anything. Even if it sorta sounds like a porn site.
Nah, man, leather is cool for the Vegs. People still need to pelt themselves. It’s all about not clogging arteries, recycling and…I’m not sure. I’m only sure what WWE tells me.
Although with carrots would be great.
With Lettuce
With Carrots is better.
Two things, Brandon (since I haven’t commented in a while and you were asking for comments):
1 – re: Layla’s theme – Shawn Michaels has had the same theme for like 20 years, heel or face, even after he came back as crazy Christian Ted Nugent.
2 – you didn’t like the Punk/AJ thing because subconsciously, you’re afraid AJ is going to be the next notch on Punk’s bedpost.
(Only one of these is serious – you pick)
Theory: Alex Riley is secretly CM Punk’s bff, and was totally in on that awful awful ruse involving field sobriety tests and pretending to be drunk.
That’s my theory. Not that I want to admit to thinking about ARy for more than 5 seconds or anything.
This makes too much sense to be what was intended.
I was thinking the same thing last night. It stands to reason though that WWE would give this deeper subtext to a guy who barely appears on television instead of someone who could use it like Swagger.
“….so if you’re interested in filling in for the Best and Worst of Over The Limit and have some sort of resume (like being a nationally touring comedian or having played Dr. Cube in Kaiji Big Battel.)
Dr. Cube running a Best and Worst? Oh God Please Yes!!
Already happened!
Personal bests from my live experience:
1. Seeing three little kids lose their f***ing s*** when their dad came back from scouring the entire building with three cobra puppets. And that one took the puppet off only to join in pointing “Yes!” chants
2. “Yes!” chants began at 7:55 and went all night.
3. The guy next to me getting visibly upset at how hard I was laughing at how much Triple H was moving his broken arm around during his promo.
Worsts:
1. F***ing “Albert” chants
2. No ADR
Those collars are FUNNY!
Spent most of Raw here on the Open Thread and have to say, I really enjoyed my time. Bummer that your Raw thing in Austin is next week, Brandon, because if it would’ve been last night, I would’ve told my hubby to go because he’s in Austin for his job till Thursday. :-)
I actually didn’t hate this Raw. I kind of figured if we can’t have amazing Raws where Daniel Bryan is kicking heads in, Alberto Del Rio says “cham-pi-on”, Cody Rhodes wears cool jackets, and Cole giving us dinosaur facts that we might as well have one that is so unbelievably bad that it becomes hilarious.
Raw wasn’t good last night but it was never boring. That’s something, I guess?
THESTINGER, you aren’t going to the fights? I don’t think they’ll allow you to hang out in the rafters until the main event.
I might! I got my tickets right here! Stuck in the office for a while, though. My boss was out today and she forwarded me all of her work for the day so I’m a little behind. I hope to get out there soon, though. I can literally see the Patriot Center from the window in my office.
Do yourself a favor and buy a Korean Zombie tee.Best shirt in all of professional wrestling/ultimate bumfighting
Work ended up killing my night last night so I didn’t go =(
I’m sorry, Lobster Mobster, I really wanted to give it a try. Was it at least a good event?
I didn’t manage to see the prelims, but I read there were some good ones there (McKenzitine strikes again!), but the main card fights were good, other than the Sadollah fight.
I’m so glad Tom Lawlor won since 1. It was his birthday 2. He said post-fight this will be the first checks (Yay, KO of the Night bonus!) he’s been able to deposit in a year and 3. He dressed up as GENKI SUDO for his weigh-in! AMAZINGNESS!
I felt Maldonaldo got robbed against Pokrajac, but damn, those body shots he threw looked rough (Maybe he should have a defense to clinch knees other than ‘absorb strike to face, land liver shot”).
Jabouin should have won the fight in the first, that ref fucked things all sorts of up. You either get between the fighters because you’re calling the match, or YOU DON’T GET BETWEEN THE FIGHTERS!
Dana was correct, Cerrone/Stephens should have been co-main event. I think Cerrone absorbed some of Nate Diaz’s taunting skills because he was jazz-handing and it looked like he mouthed “wow” all mockingly after Stephens whiffed on a big overhand punch. Good fight, though.
I thought Lopez did enough wrestling to win, but Sadollah might have got some home cooking on that decision, but maybe I’m just too biased.
HOLY HELL, JUNG/POIRIER WAS THE BEST! I kind of wanted Poirier, but damn, I shouldn’t have doubted The Korean Zombie! That fight needs to be replayed at every event. Once again, Free MMA is the Best MMA and also Tiny Punchmen are the Best Punchmen.
Here’s a crazy sweep/transition that happend in the second round, and it was just that sort of crazy, cool stuff for the entire four rounds the fight went down.
I know you’d be here all night if you listed every possible worst from last night, but I was kind of surprised that you didn’t mention Big Johnny going to the “each and every one of you people” well last night when he was berating the crowd. Like, he literally said “each and every one of you people.”
I do think last night was the best of the more overtly dickish Big Johnny we’ve seen so far. I was a huge fan of the subtle, Punk-feud version, but he was pretty great throughout this week. And I actually kinda sorta liked the Big Show thing for reasons I can’t fully explain.
I would like to submit that Otunga was the one keeping big Johnny’s ego in check, and since he’s been gone for a few weeks, Eve (subtle biblical reference by WWE) has been tempting him behind the scenes to not take any of this shit anymore and start throwing his weight around. She has unresolved issues with Cena as well for calling her a hoeski.
My streak of top ten comments comes to an end. I blame that RAW for being too much talking, and NBA2k12 for being too good a game.
You’re always in my fave five, RonSwanson. (ShuckyduckyquackquackisStevieRaydoingokayshouldIsendhimmoney.)
Wait, is Brandon really not doing a Best and Worst of Over the Limit because that really sucks.
I’m looking for a fill-in. I’ve got an ACW show that night, then the live Raw show the next night and a full Raw column the day after that. Adding a second PPV column PLUS having time to actually watch the PPV and give it an honest response would be hard.
Get Hunico to do it.
Hunico: Best – “My homie Camacho! vatos locos for lyfe essa!”
LoL, Camacho.
Minus five points for dissing Pittsburgh. It’s nice to see a Rust Belt city that figured out long ago that all the steel mills and other blue-collar industries were going to shut down/move overseas, diversified its economy ahead of the game, and is thriving because of it. It’s really a pleasant city all things considered.
Plus a kajillion points for reminding me of Mr. Moseby’s exemplary dance routine. AND CHARLIE BROOOWN, AND CHARLIE BROOOWN
Everything you said is completely true, but on the other hand, fuck Pittsburgh.
Other than the whole “diversified its economy ahead of the game” – either you’re 12, or you didn’t live anywhere near Shittsburgh for the late 90′s and early 00′s when it was just as bad as every other rustbelt city.
Also, I’ll consider it “thriving” when they can retain some of the best and brightest, which is something that Pennsylvania as a whole has failed at for the past decade or so.
The perfect fantasy booking for John Laurinitis would be him coming out and whipping Randy Orton’s ass every time he does the RKO ala Sid Vicious in ECW with the powerbomb. That’s his move…you don’t ever do his move.
I still don’t get the big deal about “hoeski”.
I wrote several paragraphs about it for like half a month
It’s sexist because it’s slut-shaming.
Yeah, but this is WWF/E…aren’t people used to that stuff? They found a layup word to rhyme with broski. We’ve been hearing “bros before hoes” for years being used in normal everyday conversations by just about everyone.
I just don’t see the big deal.
“Bros before hoes” isn’t the best or least sexist thing you can say, but at least it isn’t directed at any one person in most cases. I think it actually goes towards the destruction of the nuclear family and how friends are replacing families and romantic relationships for many people. I’ve had numerous female friends tell me “chicks before dicks” and I think it speaks to the importance of friendship. Still, not the best way to say it but I don’t think it’s inherently vile.
Calling someone a “hoeski” is literally saying “Hey, you, you are a woman and you are perceived to enjoy sex so I am going to shame you for doing that while also trying to destroy your self worth because you were romantically interested in someone that wasn’t me because I’m a child.”
So, yeah, they’re different.
@Edwin – I don’t know what to do other than direct you to all the stuff I wrote. The “it’s just WWE!” argument was a big talking point. Just because something is classically ignorant doesn’t mean it has to keep being so. The Eve thing was exacerbated by how lazy and out of the blue it was, and how they jumped from “we kissed” to “you’re a scandalous bitch” in one move.
I think it’s slightly worse than that because they didn’t even do an implied sex thing with Eve and Cena (Slinking off to a locker room or some such), it was just a kiss, so apparently, WWE Universe operates on Disney princess movie rules, and a kiss is only allowed after the wedding vows. But, yes, THESTINGER is correct.
I almost wrote THESTINER and made me wish there was a gimmick THESTEINER account that just called people fat asses and shouted “huh!” all the time in the open threads. Get on it, Brain Trust!
@Edwin: “We’ve been hearing “bros before hoes” for years being used in normal everyday conversations by just about everyone.” Expand your social circle!
@THESTINGER: “Calling someone a “hoeski” is literally saying “Hey, you, you are a woman and you are perceived to enjoy sex so I am going to shame you for doing that while also trying to destroy your self worth because you were romantically interested in someone that wasn’t me because I’m a child.””
Except, it isn’t literally that, at all. Cena didn’t call Eve a “hoeski” when she kissed him, or when the camera panned over to the cripple in the wheelchair and made a wha wha whaaaa noise, or when she was booty-popping with R-Truth, etc. It was in response to her standing around backstage, twirling her moustache, and telling the Bellas that she was using Zack and Cena to further her profile or whatever. That was what turned Cena on her. Cena’s a jock asshole, so he implied she had STDs. Her “perceived enjoyment of sex” had nothing to do with it. He would of and has said the same thing to every heel diva he’s interacted with.
What’s weird to me about the outraged this segment caused on here, and continues to cause I guess, is that they have actually, literally, done what you’re saying before, several times. The crowd being encouraged to chant “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!” at Trish, and Stephanie, and Lita, was 100% about them being perceived as enjoying sex and being shamed for it. Calling Eve a “hoeski” for hurting Zack Ryder’s feelings to get more TV time isn’t.
For the record, I don’t like the hoeski thing. I just also don’t like the talking down to people who don’t think it was the worst thing ever.
There’s no need in arguing about it. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. I apologize if you feel talked down to, but if I’d been writing the column when Trish was barking like a dog I would’ve said something about that, too.
Had to stop reading to comment on the Simpsons opening reference.
I know there was the halloween one where Homer gets crushed against the wall, but I’ve only seen the one where he gets hit through the wall once, and that’s the one they use for all of the episodes? That seems ridiculous!
Also, I haven’t watched a new Simpsons in years, usually only when Sideshow Bob is involved.
The opening credits changed when they switched over to HD, so now they’re just crowded with references and Homer gets hit by the car at the end.
On the upside, though, they have Unibrow Baby shaking his fist at Maggie in the Supermarket scene now.
My favourite thing about WWE PPVs these days is getting an extra Open Thread.
Same here, friend.
Tune in next week when we find out Brodus Clay is really just a rubber robot as a naked John Cena comes crawling out of Clay’s asshole.
There’s an image.
And that will teach The NME to never eat delicious spicy blue tortilla chips while reading the Best and Worst of Raw comment section. Thanks…
I’d like to see raven come back and relight his feud with C.M. Punk
You know when your parents are going through a really rough patch and your dad starts showering you with gifts to assure you everything’s fine but it just comes off as desperate? That was Cena last night.
Ha! Now I’m corpsing.
He just sounded drunk to me.
“…Mr. Laurinaitis…IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME”
What?
It almost sounded like Titus O’Neil was channeling his inner Rick Ross and got stuck on a loop
If I can get a Hudson/Otunga Six Flags comforter and bed spread set, you bet your ass I’m going to snatch it up.
One day, it will be revealed that John Cena was Tyler Perry in white-face this whole time.
You mean Darren Young in white face
So Tyler Perry doing John Cena in whiteface doing Darren Young in blackface doing John Cena in whiteface? Shitception.
I made the top 10 comments! This is the second greatest wrestling related moment of my life. The first was when I met Chris Jericho backstage after Raw even though Triple H attacked him with a sledgehammer and put him in the hospital. Oh 2000, you were so long ago.
I DID like Jericho’s explanation as to why he alone should get a title shot to Laurnaitis on Smackdown…maybe it was just his inflection on, “most receNTly.” In my head I really just want him to run-down Punk one more time but with more emphasis on how Judd Nelson-esque he really is. Cena may be Emilio, but clearly he has emotional issues with his dad and little reasoning as to WHY he’d tape Larry’s (Ryder’s) but-cheeks together. Punk, on the other hand, is just a dick in general because he knows how much smarter he is than everyone but can’t use it the way he’d really like in the place he hates but NEEDS to be. Also, he talks all TON of shit to Vernon (Big Johnny), but you KNOW if Animal’s little brother and he were trapped in a closet with him he’d just hold his knees and tear up.
Laurinaitis: “You…are worthless…PUNK!”
…what was the point? Oh, yes: take Jericho’s verbal leash off. Thank you.
Before this column, I had never heard the term corpsing. Until I looked it up to make the connection, I assumed it had something to do with Katie Vick.
Every time I think of the Katie Vick casket skit, I feel like JR should have shouted “MAH GAWD! KATIE VICK HAS BEEN BROKEN IN HALF BY TRIPLE H!!!”
Are there videos of this on YouTube? I wasn’t around for the Katie Vick angle and would like to check it out, I feel like I need to see the worst angle WWE ever came up with… because… I hate myself?
It’s on dailymotion, but seriously don’t. It’s so terrible that you can’t even like it in a sarcastic fashion.
It’s not even something that’s funny to get other people to laugh at, like 2 girls one cup, or goatse. The only thing I could compare it to would be the joke from 40 year old virgin. You go to see a girl fuckin a horse, and you think awesome, but in reality, it is just a girl fuckin a horse. And the horse is really giving it to her.
:O
Personally, I think Punk would have looked stupid if he *hadn’t* told AJ to get lost. As he so helpfully explained, he doesn’t trust Bryan, and AJ’s kinda crazy.
…And it’s not like Punk was really that mean about it. It was just ‘thanks, but you’re a bit unstable, so no thanks.’ That’s the nicest a Diva has been treated by a Superstar since before the days Bubba was powerbombing chicks through tables.
All that said, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all if AJ is involved in the match Sunday. Yes, Punk v Bryan is the Holy Grail of indie-guys-in-the-WWE matches. But you know the WWE version of this match is going to disappoint us somehow, right? It might as well involve our favorite cutie-pie Diva. There’s got to be *some* reason for her to stay on TV.
Double Turn?
No, Punk v Bryan isn’t the “Holy Grail of indi-guys-in-the-WWE” so much as it is a chance for a REALLY AWESOME MATCH to happen in an era of wrestling where those matches only happen once a year, and so far those matches only seem to happen if either Punk or Bryan is involved.
Did Big Show lose all of his lifetime earnings in a Ponzi scheme? He has been wrestling for 17 years now and he is crying because he is out of a job?
He wasn’t yet 100% vested in the WWE 401k plan.
Those custom-size giant beanies don’t come cheap, either.
Funkadactyls on the mic right after Big Show crying all over the ring equals the most inapproriate Funkasaurus ever
I want inappropriate funkasaurus to show up all the time. Daniel Bryan insults AJ? Inappropriate funakasaurus. Announce the death of a WWE legend? Inappropriate funakasaurus. Someone does a stretcher job? Inappropriate funakasaurus.
Ideally, Inappropriate Funakasaurus would actually knock the stretchered superstar off of said stretcher, and instead of being concerned, he would just smile and say “OOPS! My bad! Somebody better call his mama!”
Oh my god. Yes. Please make this a thing. BRANDON! I know you’re secretly a WWE writer! Make this happen.
HHH Survival Tip #39 “When stranded in the Canadian Wilderness, it’s important to rub your bodies together so I can absorb all your heat”.
At least this raw provided us all with this gif.
[i.imgur.com]
the disco ball of shame?
I see Hayley, but no kitten.
In the words of the Hurricane – WHATUPWITHTHAT?
Kittens are for the Undertaker. Hayley is for Aytches.
what Keith said
Then I have learned my lesson.
It’s sad when you realize that most of Cena’s fanbase has no idea that he was doing a shitty Ace Ventura impersonation
Live show report:
-In a dark match, Dean Ambrose made Zach Ryder look like an idiot and it was awesome.
-No one but me cares about Lord Tensai.
-Yes chants. So many Yes chants.
-The never-ending Big Show segment had crazy, angry, old-women-popping-out-of-their-seats-to-yell Memphis heat. I am not surprised to learn that this did not work at home.
-CM Punk and Chris Jericho had a lightning-quick No DQ Title Match after the Cena segment. The crowd was confused by post-Cena content, and did not cheer. It was sort of sad.
-So then, in a rare second post-show match, Orton and Sheamus ignored their moments-ago fury to team with John Cena to dispatch the evil heel b-team (Kane/Tensai/Ziggler.) To the surprise of no one, this ended with Ziggler taking a Brogue Kick, two RsKO and an F-U. Most of the crowd had gotten confused and gone home, but it was fun.
FB’d, Twitter’d, Tumblr’d, Google’d
It’s clear that the only thing worth doing in regards to WWE Raw is read this report.
So I’m no one important.
I have the Twitter. But I don’t pay attention to it.
I’m a comedian in my own mind. (Of which I HIGH LARRY US)
And I’ve watched Dr. Cube on multiple occasions.
Can I write blogs?
YES! YES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEESS!
Wow…I never expected to make the cut…I have so many people to thank…
First, I’d like to thank the Academy (aka Brandon), and Fred Ottman. I’d also like to thank the WWE writers, without whose tireless devotion to laziness, stupidity and racial insensitivity my Jeopardy-themed Taco Bell joke wouldn’t have been possible.
You worked an Ebbessan reference in. You have made my dreams come true.
I hated the show this week, but at least the column made me think about some of it and laugh.
Ebessan is my #1 dream mark photo. I hope he comes back to the states soon.
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it hilarious that Orton waits until the ring announcer says, “Winner by disqualification….. CHRIS JERICHO!” until he gets mad at Sheamus?
I mean… You’ve been in the WWF/E for like 15 years. You don’t know right away that when your opponent gets dragged out of the ring and leveled by someone not in the match that you’ve lost by disqualification? Maybe Randy Orton was thinking, “Oh! They rang the bell! I must’ve won! What the–? CHRIS JERICHO WON?! HOW??? I WAS TOTALLY IN THE LEAD?”
Brandon, your line about a make a wish kid writing Cena’s line was incredible.
I disagree with your Alicia Fox worst. Yes, she screwed up, but, how refreshing was it to get a match that didn’t end in a roll-up and a diva decided to try something athletic? The match felt a lot more fresher than most divas match. I hope this can and will be the start of divas doing something relevant.
I love Otunga, but, I thought Eve has gradually improved over the past few shows on the mic. I hope she gets more tv time on Smackdown and Otunga sticks to Raw.
I’d be down if/when Show returns as a heel if he and Kane reunite (tag name should be Fire show?) and go to the tag division. Maybe become Big Johnny’s tag team in his stable I hope he makes.
Show and Tensai. Inappropriate Shaved Head Theatre. Streak rematch w/o Nathan Jones. Show starts crying Mountain Dew.
Great write-up as always Brandon.
I’d like to give a special thanks to whomever recommended watching NXT in the live thread. I’ve watched three episodes so far and absolutely love it. The wrestlers seem like they’re having a lot more fun! I loved the Maxine/Curtis stuff, and Percy Watson is pretty good in the ring.
Also, any show that features both Kaitlyn and Alicia Fox is immediately worth my time.