Best: David Otunga Is Back!
oh thank god
Things can return to normal now that my favorite character in professional wrestling (narrowly ahead of Maxine and Johnny Curtis as NXT’s Team Rocket and near-sighted tattle-tail Veda Scott), Mr. David Otunga, has returned from his real-life obligations. His thermos still matches his sweater, by the way. A quick Best and Worst of photos from David Otunga’s Raw hiatus:
Worst: This courtroom photo where the person drew him to look like f**king Al Sharpton.
Best: This photo of him and Jennifer Hudson on a roller coaster.
Notice how Otunga returned and Eve’s total screentime was a silent minute at the very end. Never leave us again, David.
Best: People Actually Like The Big Show
And while we’re on the subject of unflattering pictures:
A homemade, airbrushed Randy Orton shirt, a medallion and a Big Show poster that is 15% WWE logos. You, my hilarious little friend, are the sign of the night.
Best?: Kane Versus Big Show Wasn’t That Bad, Really
I remember watching the first few minutes of this match (which is only like, five minutes long) and thinking “wow, this isn’t as bad as I expected it to be”. They fought with a sense of urgency, and while it wasn’t their catch-as-catch-can classic from years ago it was a big man versus big man fight that moved along briskly and (as the Battleship commercials say) had “a heartbeat”.
I might as well have walked out onto my balcony and said “hey, the weather sure is nice!” before a tornado touched down, destroyed my house and dropped me off in the merry old land of f**king Oz.
Hilarious, Hilarious Worst: 22 Minutes Of Big Emotions
And now the centerpiece to the May 14 edition of Raw, nearly a half an hour of John Laurinaitis trying to top that time Ricardo Rodriguez ran over the Big Show’s leg in a car by forcing him to get on his knees and beg for his job.
Honestly? I sorta liked it. Some of that has to do with me loving John Laurinaitis and hating the Big Show, but I thought as a concept it was pretty well done — Laurinaitis was being a terrible, reprehensible boss to one of his employees for a petty reason and not whipping out a chair and having his bald Japanophile manservant hold them down, he was just being a coldhearted prick. It was an exaggerated version of a situation tons of people have been in before … a menial task boss decides to lord his power over you, and as a human being you just kinda want it to be over so you can go back to doing the menial tasks.
I remember my boss at Blockbuster Video telling 19-year old me that I should just shut up and do my job, because I was never going to amount to anything and this was the best I could do. I spent two years as a trainer at Olive Garden (a job I recommend to anyone who wants to go vegan for life and hate strangers), and I remember our management changing and the new boss deciding to “make an example” of me in front of the staff so people would respect him. I remember so many of these ridiculous situations where someone with a sad heart made the purposeful decision to be cruel because their situation in life had become slightly more advantageous than another’s. At no point did any of these people pull down their pants and try to make me kiss their ass cheek, and that’s why I thought the segment worked better than most.
I also thought Show did a solid job of being a blubbering chump. You have to suspend disbelief and assuming TNA doesn’t exist in the WWE Universe and Show has found himself in a Shawn Michaels situation where he’s living paycheck-to-paycheck and can be Virgil’d at any moment, but as a guy about to get laid off from the only job he’s ever had, he did well. I felt bad for him and wanted him to punch John Laurinaitis in the face and go traipsing off to NXT to wrestle Curt Hawkins for William Regal. Just like his feud with Cody Rhodes, one of my least favorite wrestlers elicited enough reason and emotion to get me on his side, and hoping he’d bop the guy I like and shut him up.
All that being said, there is no goddamn reason for you to devote 22 minutes of a primetime wrestling show to us watching Big Show cry about being fired. F**k you.