phillie-phanatic-habitat“Sorry, homeless people, your house isn’t gonna be ready on time. We let a giant bird help us and he mostly just f**ked around and put holes in the wall.”

Or, if you prefer:

The Phillie Phanatic came to 1450 Marston Street to help Habitat Philadelphia staff put the finishing touches on the home for the Marston Family! :)

I think the only thing I like writing about more than fake fighting and Kate Upton is the Phillie Phanatic, the undisputed king of mascots (suck it, Paws) and the only living-ish entity who can make me watch four minutes of someone pretending to hit their thumb with a hammer. If I could have one person build a home for me it would be the Phanatic, and I’d be happy living in a ramshackle hut put together by someone who for all intents and purposes does not have eyes.

Phanatic should take his homebuilding skills to ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’ and build somebody a room filled with nothing but bald guys who need their scalp rubbed with a towel and looked into like a mirror.

[h/t to Marty Cozzola]