Let’s hope Brock remembers how to write!
On tonight’s show:
- No, really, that’s the only thing they’ve announced. Brock Lesnar and John Cena will be having a contract signing for a match they’ve already agreed to with stipulations that’ve already been announced. This show is gonna be three hours long.
- Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez won’t be in attendance, as they’ve been traded to Smackdown. You know, unless they appear on Raw as members of Smackdown, which is a thing that always happens.
- Heels making jokes about Detroit, like Michigan doesn’t feel badly enough already.
Poll time:
A few things to remember:
- The top 10 comments of the night will be featured in tomorrow’s Best And Worst Of WWE Raw report. To nominate a comment for the top 10, respond to it with a +1. You can respond to it with a +anything, really (or even a well placed but less committal “haha”) but the formal +1 makes it easier to find later.
- Be sure to listen to episode 2 of our pro wrestling podcast With Spandex. This week we talk to David “Masked Man” Shoemaker of Deadspin and Grantland fame.
- If you’re in the Austin area tonight and don’t feel like +1′ing anybody, come out to The ND and watch me try to handle a three-hour Raw for my first ever live Best and Worst-style comedy venture. If you show up to this, you are automatically my friend for life, pending you not heckling me the entire time.
Anyway, enjoy the show.
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Also, If you wish to donate to Brandon’s “Fuck Sheamus” Campaign, I am soliciting non-tax deductible donations on his behalf @JordanTheHoff
Also, I am a shameless self promoter…
Reading twitter coverage of the NSAC hearing for Alistair Overeem is more entertaining and has a more compelling narrative than last night’s Raw.
Listening to Brock Lesnar talk is like watching Aksana wrestle. Also, does the WWE understand that they’ve hired someone as “the new face of the WWE” who is, literally, a big bully? How does Lesnar (character and person virtually indistinguishable) favourably represent the WWE?
Until Brock and half the 80′s WWE roster beating up on Alberto Del Rio’s ring announcer, then celebrate like they’d cured cancer I think the WWE already has its bully.
Be A Star Sheamus!
The way I see it, it gives them a chance to let Brock come in, take over and be the bully that literally EVERYONE (Including Johnny, Vince, and all the staff) become scared of so that when Cena gets his groove back its the big bad bully getting his come uppance. I totally expect Cena to lose again and for dub-dub-e to continue his fall only to be built back up around Summerslam, starting the Lesnar/Taker match next year.
I don’t want to have a quote in the top 10 tonight. It was too shitty.
Change #Purple: John Cena p*ss and sh*t, I’m an asskicker. I learned that Du-Dubee isnt care about Brock and Money for me plus I remember Vince and good Jacket I’ma win at extreme rulz!
*Internal dialouge:* Man, I nailed that promo! Perfect.
Brock looked awfully proud of himself for cutting a “I’ve got half the brain that you do”-Sid-Vicious-promo.
Brock Lesnar = Man in the Mirror.
Did Cena not say a single word on the show tonight?
Is that another side effect of Green Mist? Has the Mist been studied by WWE Scientists at WWE Laboratories in Stamford?
What if Muteness is a Mist side effect?
I want to say that the end bit was dumb.(it was) I hated it. However, I think it may actually be accomplishing something. The crowd seemed pretty behind Cena. I think that’s the point.
At any rate, I can’t wait to see how Brandon saw it.
Just got home from the show and wanted to get my thoughts down about the show.
First of all, not to toot our own horn, but we got on TV a LOT, and it was fun. It was amazing seeing us on the screen as much as we were.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can say this was one of the best crowds I’ve been a part of. I don’t know how much of it came across on TV, but the fans were really into it, with Yes! and No! chants hours before the show. The line outside was huge at an early time, there were clearly some readers (or at least people in agreement with us) there, as I saw a good deal of Ziggler shirts and even a row with great signs spelling out Showoff. When doors opened, Yes! chants rang out throughout the line. There was a lot of Woooooo! chants during commercials, which I was surprised by. Bryan was well over with a majority of the crowd, Santino and Ryder got HUGE pops, and evidenced by the comments in the crowd, Lesnar is doing his job perfectly of being a heel, because he drew serious, legit heat from everyone.
On the flip side of that, Jericho had half the arena chanting for him (which happened for Miz during the Superstars taping too), and no matter what, just can’t get people to really hate him. It feels a lot like Austin back in 2001, where you want SO BAD to cheer for him, even though he’s being a douche, and so it’s preventing him from getting the heat he should be getting.
Oh, and Edge showing up? THAT WAS AWESOME.
Finally, and I’ll upload it tomorrow when I have time, the after-show stuff was fucking awesome. It really made my day. Cena and Punk won a quick dark match against Kane and Jericho, hitting their finishers simultaneously, and then Punk worked the crowd on the mic, building up Cena’s birthday. Vince’s music hit, and the arena went apeshit. He says that Cena wasn’t going to get away with not celebrating his big day, and he brought out the whole roster, with Punk announcing all of them. Then HHH comes out, and he makes some jokes about being old and Cena getting there, and how Vince doesn’t count because he’s ancient, and everyone sang happy birthday to Cena. Then HHH said Khali missed his cue, and Khali sang a horrible out of tune happy birthday to Cena solo. This was followed by the Divas coming down to the ring, followed by Hornswoggle. They all give Cena hugs and kisses, and then HHH and Vince said Cena needed a present and a laugh, so Hornswoggle comes up the ramp and sprints down it again. This was followed by Cena being piled on by all the Divas, and then he gave a little speech where he asked Punk for the liquor basket he had. He said if anyone was celebrating their 21st, they should come join him for a few cold ones, thanked everyone, and then they all left.
Honestly, this was the best event (save for WM23) that I’ve ever attended. Good crowd, got on TV a lot, I was entertained thoroughly, and the fact that they went on for a good half hour after going off the air was awesome. I definitely have a higher opinion of Cena now for how he was after the show, and while I still would like to see more from his character, I clearly see that Cena the person is pretty fucking cool, and I’m down with that. In all, I had a great time and hope it was as good for y’all watching.
Oops, side notes: Kane promo was boring as hell, as was Show and Khali’s match about half of the time. The crowd couldn’t have cared less about the Divas match, only got into it a bit because of Beth’s injury causing a surprise title win for Nikki.
And anyone who noticed the flipside of our Yes! signs, which spelled out Boo Thad (an inside joke with other friends of ours), that would be awesome. Heh.
Glad you had a great time! Sounds like the crowd was pretty good in person. Can’t wait to see the videos!
As promised, here’s a mark photo of me and Brandon before the live Raw show tonight in Austin…
[instagr.am]
Uhm, Brock, Exhibit A is just a crayon drawing of a penis sword.
Am I the only one who wants Frank Mir to come to WWE just so he can cut a better promo than Lesnar?
Frank Mir is also a legitimate giant douchebag.
Mir is a smarmy, smug douchebag asshole, while Brock is a hyper-violent, rage-filled jerk asshole. Both are horrible people.
Not saying he’s a good person, just saying he cuts a better promo than Brockle Snar.
Maybe he speaks better because he just thinks he’s fucking awesome at everything, while Brock just thinks “MURDERDEATHKILL!”
Change Gamma-Delta-Bravo: Fresh changes of track pants upon request
Change #-76Q: All future contracts must be printed on bacon.
Wait, isn’t Kain a monster, now because Edge murdered Paul Bearer?
I have to keep making jokes to keep from crying because we paid money to be at Extreme Rules and if I have to sit through 15 minutes of live verbal diarrhea I’m going to jump off the upper balcony.
On that note, I hope Brandon had a field day with this at his live viewing.
Welp, time for me to hit the old dusty trail, oh and by the way, COCONUT FLAVORED ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRANK. TRENDING WORLDWIDE!
Good Night guys, you are all awesome!
Strangely, Brock tonight was everything I ever wanted out of MVP. I kind of hope the Jimmy John’s shirt is hiding a big tattoo of Malcolm X instead of a penis sword.
I just had a thought. You know how kids imitate wrestling moves because they saw them on TV. And the kids saw Paul Bearer being locked in a freezer and the fans laughed. So for the impressionable youth that is the WWE’s core demographic, it is fun to throw your best friend in the freezer, lock it and walk away?
I hope Vince has Otunga on retainer because he may need his legal expertise.
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!
Change #B: Effective immediately, all announcers and figures of authority will be replaced by puppets. Because… Muppets.
PUPPET H FOR GM OF SUPERSTARS!
I’m pretty sure they have Khali on strings already.
Vickie Guerrero will be replaced by Miss Piggy and no one will notice. However, Jack Swagger will be constantly distracted by his desire for ham sandwiches.
Change #947: Just like Nickelback, I will be doing my entrances with my balls out.
+♪All in balls out!♪
Lil’ Johnny vs. Lil’ Jimmy in a Dreamatorium match?
does that mean the ring is surrounded by a paper towel roll and cardboard box cage?
+Troybed and ALL OF THE RHODES!!
One thing I learned from Raw tonight is that despite Kharma’s pregnancy and Beth Pheonix’s snapped ankle, the women’s division is STILL in better shape than the tag team division.
Was that ankle thing legit?
Looked legit to me, it kinda seemed like they changed the finish.
Although most women’s matches end with a disjointed and sloppy finish.
[twitter.com]
Uh, does Curtis Hawkins mean he just got fired from WWE?
He just hasn’t figured out yet that he isn’t Big Andy.
C’mon, no one really gets fired from the WWE – they just get the opportunity to pursue other interests.
Change #454: Tell Shane Carwin he can eat a dick.
Channing Tatum? more like CHARMING Tatum, amiright?
I really want to dislike the guy, but he’s starting to grow on me.
21 Jump Street was legit hilarious.
Change #12: New Lil’ Jimmy T-shirts
Shameless plug time:
Follow me @I_Am_ALo
I just uploaded a pic of my latest creation, Ice Breakers: Ice Cubes.
[pic.twitter.com]
Judging by his moobs, I would’ve guessed Brock would be the one begging for WWE ice cream bars to come back
I would love a Homer Simpson style cut to into Brock Lesnar’s Head. I feel it would end up like Being John Malkovich. BROCK? BROCK! BROCK! BROCK? BROCK! BROCK! BROCK? BROCK! BROCK! BROCK? BROCK! BROCK! BROCK? BROCK! BROCK!
I hope to God that next week’s RAW opens up with a close up of that freezer door, and we just hear Paul Bearer yelling, “Guys? Kane? Randy? Mark? Someone? C’mon, guys…Ha Ha, jokes over! Ya got me! Everyone have fun at the expense of the fat man! Guys? GUYS!?
…Please let me out, I’m so cold.”
CUE THE NICKLEBACK!
And the whole opening montage is just Brock Lesnar.
♪All in balls out!♪
♪Paul in Balls Out!♪
If you think about it, this was the easiest way to get everyone to hate Lesnar. Both internet fans and normal fans hate him now. But it still was a waste of time.
Change #49: I get a free year of buzz cuts at any Supercuts in the nation.
Alright, I’m out for the night. Well done as always everybody. Should be a fun column tomorrow.
BROCK LESNAR: CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN
Change 267 – always shirts v. skins
Change #Tweleven – NO STOMACH PUNCHES
+ all the Rhodes
Change #Purple: Jimmy Johns sign for me to point at.
+POINT
If you will look at section 3, exhibit A, your honor, you will find that the defendant clearly only understands farming and murdering people.
Change #Eleventy: Punk & Orton have buses, I want a tractor.
LOL!
Change # ( * ) ( * ) – HAHA I MADE BOOBIES
Change #58318008 – All contracts be must be printed upside down.
+58318808 Space Monkey
Change #386 – Pay a Mariachi band to follow me around at all times.
Change #Q: 10 count must now be a 5 because numbers are hard.
+STR
+LegitLOL
Change #387 – Handicapped people are thrown down the stairs every week.
Wait…I thought the 3 Stooges were the ones brought on to legitimize Raw?!?
Next week on Monday Night Raw starring Brock Lesnar…WWE Ice Cream Bars starring Paul Bearer!
Channing Tatum – Young John Cena?
Change 321: The YES chant is now the BROCK chant
Change 246: I demand my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!
Change 247: Everyone has to bite my knotted doughy ass!
Brock: “Have you ever considered turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?”
Change #1184: Get Jared from Subway to make another guest appearance. Don’t worry about why.
BRING ME JARED FROM SUBWAY!!!
Subway vs Jimmy Johns
SANDWICH WARS!!!
The whole feud makes sense now