This weekend was a busy one for me -- attending Wrestlemania XXVIII, meeting Dave "Masked Man" Shoemaker from Grantland, trying to figure out what the sh*t a "Sun Pass" is -- but one of the biggest highlights was attending Sunday's exhibition game between the New York Yankees and the new look Miami Marlins in brand-spanking-new Marlins Park in Miami.
There's been a lot of talk about the new stadium, mostly about how it cost too much to build and how they wanted a motorized nightmare machine in center. I got there early (on the same day as Wrestlemania, because I love to pay for parking) to take a few pictures and share the experience with you guys, because holy crap, if you think the fish machine is bad you haven't seen everything else.
Take a look and let me know what you think. Worst case scenario, you'll get to see a sweet Bobblehead Museum. And "Katherine". Katherine was awesome.
[all photos credit to me, jerks]
Outside of the park, they've created the illusion that the MARLINS PARK sign has collapsed and giant pieces of the stadium have fallen to Earth. So either they were too lazy to hang up the sign or they modeled Marlins Park after the Kingdome.
The enormous inflatable Billy Marlin was a top tourist spot for visiting Yankees fans (who outnumbered Marlins fans about 200 to 1). They liked pretending to sit on his feet. I don't know.
I don't know why it's so funny to me that the Spanish word for base is "base".
The inside of the Third Base Gate, which I guess is supposed to be a tribute to great Marlins moments but sorta looks like a storage shed.
They used all their money to build the stadium, so it's magnet schedules all year long.
And here we are, the stack of neon Post-It Notes known as the Miami Marlins outfield. Fun fact: the structure didn't activate when the Marlins hit a home run because they're "saving it for Opening Day". So I guess it's got a limited amount of juice before it explodes?
The view from the outfield. I don't know why they gave the park a retractable roof, the only two weather conditions in Miami are "swelteringly hot" and "torrential rain" and you have to shut it for both of them.
Detail on the monstrosity. I think the worst part is the random cubes in the water.
The backside of it. AHHH
It's copyrighted, by the way, so don't try building a huge metal jumping fish carnival ride thing in YOUR ballpark.
The home run tower isn't even the worst art in the stadium ... that award goes to this mural, apparently painted by SB Nation's Jon Bois because it's just baseball gloves and bats with eyes and popcorn and BASEBALL FANS written across it over and over.
More bad art: the Diamond Kings looking thing above Burger 305.
A giant framed portrait of a child sliding, because my f**king Aunt designed this park.
The greatest Marlins player of all time, the legendary Exit Salida.
Imagine the yellowest thing. Marlins Park is more yellow than that.
Another thing I loved: they've got SWIMMING POOL WALLS everywhere. They should just pump chlorine into the air when they close the roof.
Please ignore the fact that I took a picture of the ladies john.
One of the most popular features of the park on Sunday was The Bobblehead Museum, which was less a museum and more a big display case full of bobbleheads. Still though, pretty cool. I found like 4 Victors Martinez in there.
Slider! GO TRIBE (even though you aren't here)!
Stare into the Godless face of Cal Ripken Jr.
Baseball video games were made available for any teens who want to see baseball but don't have enough control over it.
The window wall, with a view of Miami. Also, a metal fish Scrambler.
Good luck watching the ballgame from here.
New look Billy Marlin, giving Yankees fans something to accent about when they get home. He picked up one kid, turned him upside down and shook him for change. Not sure if anybody got stabbed by his football helmet-strength spike nose.
I'm only human.
The dumbest thing about Marlins Park has to be the team store. The one inside is about the size of my bedroom, so people were lined up for the entire game to get in and stand in another line, and the only way you could shop is if you'd already gotten in the queue to pay.
Of course there's another huge, completely empty team store downstairs, but the only way to get downstairs is to leave the park and about 3/4 of the security guards and ticket takers don't know they're supposed to stamp your hand so they just yell NO RE-ENTRY at you when you try to get to it. Good times.
I tried to find some healthy food in the park, and here are your vegan options:
- Water
- Napkins
I kept getting "we don't have anything vegan, we MIGHT have something vegetarian ... have you tried the kosher stand?" I'm guessing "ten dollar tuna fish" is what they meant.
Also, baseball happened! Here's Logan Morrison looking like f**king Smeagol. The Yankees got really nicely photoshopped backdrops of Time Square, but the Marlins players were stuck with their school picture backgrounds. I guess they're saving that for opening day, too.
Jose Reyes, still stuck wearing bright orange.
Also, Derek Jeter is here, for some reason!
Florida Stanley
The Marlins ushers are total hard-asses about letting you down near the field if you don't have a ticket (even though half the seats are empty) so this is as close as I could get to a picture of the backstop fish tanks. No shattered glass marine life fatalities yet.
The view from right.
This guy has the right idea: skip the tiny team store and rock your own Marlins gear.
The best part of the stadium was Katherine, the Marlins Vision lady. Holy crap was she hot. Considerably hotter than the Ian guy in the background. Yes, this is the most porno looking shot I took of her.
VCR font scoreboard! Fast forward!
The view of the city from the smoking deck. Not pictured: the homeless guy fragrantly pissing in the bushes in front of everyone a block down.
The good team store is around here somewhere. Compare and contrast the line with the one in the stadium.
Pretty sure if I could climb on top of this thing it'd take me to EPCOT.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Collllllllllege-World-Series-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/the-miami-marlins-are-giving-out-fedoras-for-fathers-day-with-leather-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/BUTTHEAD-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/nick-legrande-first-pitch-180x180.png)
FWIW, the giant letters around the stadium spell — I believe — ORANGE BOWL, as Miami’s latest monstrosity now occupies the former’s exact location. Appropriately, I would say, as south Florida is certainly littered with the remains of deceased… everything.
Is that a Round Rock Express hat you’re sporting in the photo with Billy Marlin? Geez, buy a local farm team hat.
They’re local to me!
I knew if I clicked through the pictures I’d eventually get to one of Brandon with Billy Marlin.
Hopefully the new stadium will be featured in an installment of The Dugout.
Technically it already has: [withleather.uproxx.com]
And a mention of vegan options. I know very little about veganism (?), but can pop corn be considered vegan?
And what about beer? That came up in the WM thread on Sunday.
Not when they pre-butter it. I ended up getting some Crackerjacks, which are fine.
Dammit, I forgot about that Dugout. How could I forget the classic line about “our annual attendance is four buckets of orange paint”?
Knishes should be vegan, I would’ve thought.
And I laughed at “Exit Salida.”
Are fries vegan? Or are they fried in some kind animal oil?
Some fast food fries (like McDonalds) are cooked using beef tallow or contain beef extract added during production. Outside of that, the major issue in getting fries at a place like a ballpark is that they’re cooked in the same oil as whatever else is fried, like chicken. The employees have no idea what you’re talking about, so you just skip them most of the time.
lol I love how anything you do just morphs into what shit you can/can’t eat
yeah, that one caption for the one photo really morphed this into a food blog
I could have sworn the McDonald’s fries USED to be cooked with beef tallow or whatever but now to make them “healthier” they just use magic flavor chemicals to replicate the taste. I could be wrong.
The beef extract replaced the beef tallow “back in the day”, around 1983 (when I was a week high school freshman.
also, “wee”, and also “weak”
In Spanish Mr. Baseball is Senor Beisbol.
Did they not even have popcorn?
So how does this compare to other MLB stadiums you’ve been to?
Pretty low on the list. Aesthetically Orioles Park is still the best, but Citizens Bank Park is the most utilitarian and Progressive Field is my sentimental favorite. I also have a weird love for Kauffman in Kansas City.
Jacobs Field, thank you very much.
I am moving forward with my Cleveland Indians.
Make a point to get up to Target Field when you can. It’s the Fenway of new ballparks.
Also, here is another pic of Katherine (last name Akra).
She is also a former Heat dancer.
try it again
new favorite
AAAGH GET RID OF IT I’M SO FRIGHTENED
.
.
.
I have akraphobia.
/is banned
Don’t forget that she has a twin sister Kristina
\yes, I should be working
Her twin sister is doing games for the Washington Nationals.
Don’t mind me, just here to find the picture of Brandon with Billy Marlin.
Ah, there it is. See you guys later.
Do they seal Land Shark beer there? If so that has to be the worst thing about the stadium.
How DARE you compare that crap in slide 13 to Diamond Kings. Diamond Kings were the motherbleeping JAM.
Besides the picture with Billy Marlin, were there any other cool fan experience bits during the game?
No worker fist in the Billy Marlin picture? Sad.
I had to hold up the bag, as it was the only thing I had that said “Marlins”.
Fair enough. And my complaint is but a minor nitpick. Great tour!
You could have just slid the handle of the bag over that “you’llputyoureyeout” protrusion from his head.
Exit Salida was an overrated closer… He let everyone get by him.
+1
:’)
lol for real
Base is spelled the same in Spanish except its pronounced, “base”. That didn’t help in the least did it?, LOL!
“Bahs-ay,” like Grandmaster Sex-ay.
Looks nice – should keep the locals interested until about May before it turns into a ghost town.
You should come to Minute Maid Park, B-Stro. We have a choo choo train inside!
And you can buy St. Arnold amber ale there.
And they let you do Parkour in the outfield.
I’ve been there! I saw them play the Cubs a season or two ago.
Weren’t these in a different order before? Enron Field rocks. And I can’t believe they have church at the Summit now. You kids get off my lawn.
Those prices are pretty expensive in the Kosher Korner. I don’t think they’ll sell very much stuff.
Love the cheeseburger with soy cheese. Well, okay, if the CHEESE is soy, I can clearly handle the BEEF. (Not Vegan, but veggie, so pretty much screwed there too.)
Oh, kosher. Duh.
Wow, they are going to feel so silly six years ago when they realize the decor is already out of date.
yeah that Rax they tore down in Danville 15 years ago is gonna be pissed when they find out what happened to their booths
Why is Billy Marlin the Miami mascot? Isn’t he a Zooperstar Billy Martin?
Not necessarily. His name is a Billy Martin pun, but he’s not supposed to directly be an animal kingdom representation of actual Billy Martin.
“Red Grooms” is terrible at his job.
Also, putting the word “POP” on a mural does not automatically qualify it as “Pop Art.”
I like to pretend Red Grooms is the pen name for Jeffrey Loria’s 10 year old son.
Red Grooms has a piece at the Cleveland Museum of Art that I thought was cool when I was a kid and everyone else in the city thinks is the best thing in there as adults: [en.wikipedia.org]
All in all, the whole thing looks like a South American airport built in 1996.
But thanks for the tour.
/if I have to click 40 times, you gotta read 4 posts.
Man, I was hoping Brandon was overreacting, but holy shit. Whoever designed it must have been drowning in LSD.
The inside of the park looks like it came straight out of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Great pics Brandon. No run ins with Carlos Zambrano?
I am in awe at how crappy this stadium is. I want to visit it so I can experience the horribleness… Can you ride the homerun “sculpture”?
It looks like you could lose a hand if you get too close to the back of it which, from the angle of the photo, looks frighteningly easy.
Imagine hordes of drunken fans doing this, proclaiming themselves kings of this and that