The Washington Nationals are on top of the NL East after a hot 7-3 start, but that’s missing what’s important: Nationals Park is now offering a gross $60 dollar cheeseburger named after Stephen Strasburg. Because “burg”, get it.
Weighing eight pounds total (including toppings), the StrasBurger is a monstrous all beef burger (combination of ground brisket, chuck and short ribs). The burger is served on a large burger bun with our secret sauce, American cheese, shredded lettuce, sliced tomatoes, sliced red onions, pickle chips and served with a cone basket of fresh cut fries and a pitcher of your choice of soft drink. This signature dish is the perfect entrée to share at this affordably-priced family restaurant.
Today’s Dugout explores the whos, whats, whens, wheres and (most importantly) whys of the Strasburger. Reader discretion is advised.
Also, Pepto Bismol is advised.
The Dugout
** Online Host ** | ||
 | SlowLerner: new plannnn | |
| SlowLerner: it’s easier to empty nationals park than it is to fill it up so we’re gonna kill every remaining nats fan | |
 | SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee yee /brandishes burlap sack and a yardstick with bite-sized Snickers attached to it | |
| SlowLerner: what’re you still doing in here, get out, git, GIT /squirts pesticide from old-timey sprayer | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: nyahhh | |
| SlowLerner: right, so, murder | |
 | StrasburgerSyndrome: How do you expect us to do that exactly? I already met my pitch limit and stabbing is basically the same motion | |
| SlowLerner: no, nothing that messy | |
| SlowLerner: we’re gonna come up with the grossest food ever and name it after you and sell it at ballparks and people’ll eat it and die because they’re f**king animals | |
 | TheBigRedDog: Like what? There is literally nothing to eat in D.C. | |
| SlowLerner: like thisss! /
| |
| SlowLerner: i present to you “the strasburger”, 8 pounds of ground brisket, chuck and short ribs with special sauce, pickle chips and to make it as gross as possible like nine dollars worth of american cheese | |
| SlowLerner: american cheeeese | |
 | LifeIsWerthLosing: /vomits into glove | |
 | NeitherKnorr: What’s the special sauce? | |
| SlowLerner: jim riggleman’s tears | |
| StrasburgerSyndrome: “The Strasburger?” Do I really strike you as an 8-pound cheeseburger kind of guy? | |
| SlowLerner: remembering that I don’t know anything about you, yes | |
| SlowLerner: what would you suggest mr. “baseball player”, what would be more “steve strasburg” | |
| StrasburgerSyndrome: I don’t know… a plate of hot wings? | |
| StrasburgerSyndrome: wings that are super hot, and you break into the first one and it’s the most delicious wing you’ve ever tasted, but then you knock the plate into the floor and can’t have wings again for a year | |
| SlowLerner: noted /doesn’t note it | |
| LifeIsWerthLosing: I WANT SOMETHIN | |
| SlowLerner: don’t you have enough, i gave you my last 20 grand so you could get lunch, stop asking me for food | |
| LifeIsWerthLosing: no man, as the face of the franchise I thought I oughta have an item on the menu or something | |
| SlowLerner: face of the | |
| SlowLerner: actually that’s a great idea, hot dogs are made from animal refuse and make hundreds of millions of dollars, they’re perfect for you | |
| TheBigRedDog: heh, what about me, Mr. Lerner? | |
| SlowLerner: what about you, farnsworth, for the last time i’m not naming anything after you | |
| TheBigRedDog: but but but but I’m not- | |
| SlowLerner: sorry, getting bored, when i get bored i give money to adam dunn | |
| SlowLerner: so if you have any further questions about those 15 dudes at nationals park who don’t own phillies hats and say woo when we play “thunderstruck” being gorged to their doom by our ham-product please ask now | |
| SlowLerner: if not, enjoy me bringing back adam dunn and enjoy how rich he is | |
| NeitherKnorr: What’ve you got for Xavier Nady? | |
| SlowLerner: 10 gallons of rocky road ice cream in a waffle bucket, we’re calling it “cones disease” | |
| NeitherKnorr: Anything for Mark DeRosa? | |
| SlowLerner: fair traded-15-times coffee, goes great with cones disease (but for a limited time only) | |
| LifeIsWerthLosing: Ryan Zimmerman? | |
| SlowLerner: whatever the mets named after david wright, but worse | |
| NeitherKnorr: Jesus Flores? | |
| SlowLerner: a bunch of cracker pieces and grape juice we spilled on the floor | |
| SlowLerner: (pretty proud of that one btw) | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: meatry | |
| SlowLerner: we dump a pound of sugar into the toilet, then hold the toilet over your head at an angle and you have to beer bong it | |
| SlowLerner: also /releases the hounds | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: pisssh since when you got dogs | |
 | Teddy: ARRARRARRARRARR | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ohmuhgerd /throws self through window | |
| StrasburgerSyndrome: man, what happened, I was all excited about us, me and Bryce Harper showing up to make us the team of the future turns out we’re just the f**king nationals | |
| SlowLerner: the biggest bun in history with absolutely nothing inside | |
| StrasburgerSyndrome: what? | |
| SlowLerner: The Bryce Harper | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /rolls around in glass |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
TAGS: BALLPARK FOOD, BASEBALL, JAYSON WERTH, MLB, RANDY KNORR, STEPHEN STRASBURG, STRASBURGER, TED LERNER, THE DUGOUT, THE DUGOUT OPENING DAYS, TYLER CLIPPARD, WASHINGTON NATIONALS
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Fuck this was good. Too many moments to even count.
Seconded. Also I hope Juice is Orenthal commenting from a Nevada prison library.
Thanks, guys. I like to imagine that at least 20% of my audience in incarcerated.
Well worth the wait, B.
Between the disgusting burger, the hot wings analogy, and Strasburg’s realization at the end, I am suddenly very sad.
Dmitri is and always will be my favorite, with Ozzie, Manny and Farnsworth singing backup.
Cones disease, you guys.
The most negative feedback I’ve ever gotten from a Dugout was the one making fun of Xavier Nady. People got MAD.
I didn’t get mad. And my colon is the color of a Nats hat. And about as twisty.
Wow, Cones Disease is f*cked the f*ck up. But I also haven’t stopped laughing since I read it, so I’m going to hell, and tie goes to the runner. Bravo, sir.
After reading that Crohn’s disease one when it came out, I lol’d so hard and then I showed my roommate who has Crohn’s and he also loved it.
“NeitherKnorr: What’s the special sauce?
SlowLerner: jim riggleman’s tears”
Boom.
ohmuhgerd..I lollercoastered
Teddy: ARRARRARRARRARR
my thoughts exactly, Teddy.
Clippard “The Big Red Dog” is great, and seeing Dmitri is always a good thing.
I’m fat and love hamburgers and want one of those. The pepperoncinis on top of the bun is a nice touch.
I’m curious as to what brisket and ribs taste like grinded up into a hamburger. Those should be smoked/barbecued, damn it!
/eats home-made brisket sandwich
As a Cubs fan, I feel that Jim Riggleman owes me.
As a Padres fan, he owes me twice what he owes you. EDIT: /attempts to delete Padres fan comment, gets carpal tunnel
“SlowLerner: noted /doesn’t note it”
I love that the /action remains a part of the Dugout through all its incarnations. It’s way better than hashtags.
Brandon is still so very mad about how much money Jayson Werth got.
This was very funny.
“ohmuhgerd” might be the best three-syllable combo ever put together.
Agreed, LOL!
“Wings that are super hot, and you break into the first one and it’s the most delicious wing you’ve ever tasted, but then you knock the plate into the floor and can’t have wings again for a year.”
Also known as the early career of Kerry Wood
or Prior career.
After reading the description, I was sooooo hopeful that you would knock “secret sauce” out of the park. Well done.
does this foreshadow an attack of the cones sometime in the new Dugout?
…or at least more JWerth and steakgrowson please???
“SlowLerner: whatever the mets named after david wright, but worse”
Funny, topical, and accurate. Triple play, Stroud, that’s what we’ll call ‘em!
SlowLerner: (pretty proud of that one btw)
Speaking for yourself, Stroud? B/c The Jesus Flores was really, really good.
hahaha yes, totally
needs more elijah dukes
That was unbelievable. Nothing makes me laugh harder than the Dugout.