Today is day two of The Dugout’s ‘Opening Days’, a celebratory maxi-series (maxi meaning “tampons”) that hopes to touch on every Major League team as MLB drags opening day out until July. Yesterday we took a look at the Tampa Bay Rays, and today we’ll visit the Pittsburgh Pirates, a young team that hopes to capitalize on the unexpected successes of last season with a focused, dedicated run toward the playoffs in 2012.
Just kidding, they’re the Pirates. Ah well, at least they appear in the strip this year, and I didn’t just have it be about Barry Bonds again. Note that today’s comic is based on an actual thing that happened.
Please enjoy today’s installment of Opening Days, and for any Pirates fans out there, I’ll see you in 365-ish days with next season’s strip.
The Dugout
** Online Host ** | ||
 | HurdleWax: Can I uh, can I help you | |
 | SteakGrowsOnDmitri: wanna try out for dem pirits | |
| HurdleWax: That’s not something you can just “do” … it takes years of practice, a lifetime of experience and also costs 20 dollars. | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ya playin righ /flashes World Series ring | |
| HurdleWax: /gets erection | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee my name da meat tree i playd it up fa dem nats, fattin it up like a muhf**ka at first like fo years ago | |
| HurdleWax: Dmitri Young? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you, you aren’t smoking somebody’s skull like a bong. | |
| HurdleWax: wait, when did you win the World Series | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aint, got this back in oh-ate when i bit off bobby kielty finger | |
| HurdleWax: Well, good to see you again. How’s the diabetes treating you? | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: aight i jus got my weight down ta 3 digits an my blood sugar back in numbas again watchen what i eats, downin a fun tube a green skittles ta keep fit ya feel me | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: stop thowin up cheerwine like 2 days ago, reh ta play | |
| HurdleWax: You picked a great time to try out, I had to fill out the 40-man roster with 19 cardboard cutouts of Bobby Bonilla last year. | |
| HurdleWax: Jeff, throw Dmitri your heater, let’s see what he can do. | |
 | KarstenDunce: do i know how to do that | |
| HurdleWax: it’s the thing where you move your arm and the ball comes out | |
| KarstenDunce: buhhhh ok i guess whatever | |
| KarstenDunce: derrrrrrrrp /throws 45 mph fastball /makes stupidest possible face | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: oh gah /moves bat off shoulder /collapses facedown in dirt | |
| HurdleWax: okay, that didn’t go like I expected | |
| HurdleWax: Jeff, throw him another one. | |
| KarstenDunce: sorry skerp i reached muh pitch count | |
| HurdleWax: Right. Okay, go lie down in your sleeping bag until June. | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: sry main my heart is a solid nialater, sometime i say move an it just sit there bein sour apple as shat | |
| HurdleWax: Don’t worry, you still took a better cut than half of our infield. | |
| HurdleWax: Kevin, do me a favor. Toss Dmitri a slow pitch right down the middle, let’s see what happens when he makes contact. | |
 | NorthCorreia: do i know that pitch | |
| HurdleWax: It’s the only one you ever throw. | |
| NorthCorreia: welp /takes deep breath /throws terrible pitch | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: hernnghhhh /can’t move bat from shoulder /falls straight back /gets dirt in mouth /gurgles | |
| HurdleWax: All right, here’s my expert analysis: on one hand, you’re clearly a 38-year old overweight diabetic who I’ll watch die by mid-May unless you literally murder me first | |
| HurdleWax: On the other hand, we’re the Pirates, so | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /foams Fun Dip at the mouth | |
| HurdleWax: What say you, Other Clint? | |
 | BarmesAway: /is cardboard cutout | |
| HurdleWax: mm hm | |
| BarmesAway: /is still cardboard | |
| HurdleWax: jeez Clint, that’s a pretty racist thing to say | |
| HurdleWax: okay, after conferencing with racist-ass Clint Barmes, I’ve decided to give you a minor league contract with the Pirates. | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee YEE | |
| HurdleWax: keep in mind that I have no pull in the organization and we have no farm system, so “minor league contract” means you get to sit on the street outside of the stadium and wear my Pirates hat | |
| SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dat papers | |
| HurdleWax: I don’t know what that means. Please sit in this wheelbarrow so we can roll you away. |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Collllllllllege-World-Series-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/the-miami-marlins-are-giving-out-fedoras-for-fathers-day-with-leather-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/BUTTHEAD-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/nick-legrande-first-pitch-180x180.png)
I like how it’s conditional on him sitting in the wheelbarrow.
I’m reading this as I’m listening to the Tampa Bay Rays get introduced before the Yankees-Rays game. I’m not sure which is absurdly funnier.
/throws bat
Great to see the Dugout again.
No LadyCop? Booooooooooooooooo
If I shoehorned her in where she didn’t belong she’d lose all her gravitas.
As Scoop said, that’s why you write ‘em and I just comment.
KarstenDunce
That’s why you do these and I just comment. Genius.
he missed the tag! he missed the tag!!
Glad you liked it. I spent like 40 minutes trying to work in that “And for totally outrageous class rings, it’s Josten’s.” quote from the Simpsons for his screen name.
Also dug NorthCorreia
cheerwine sez boom ya dumb bitch
Excellent.
You have to hand it to Karstens…he NAILED making the stupidest face possible.
One of if not THE best in the league.
derrrrrrrrp :)
I want to play for the Pirates!!! Yee YEE
As the only Pirates fan on this site — scratch that, the only Pirates fan on the internet, I thank you personally.
I will not send you a gift, as you have not yet produced The Best and Worst of Wrestlemania 9, as previously requested; however, I will tell you that I briefly interviewed a Tribe fan outside of the ballpark yesterday. He was kind, personable, and not stupid enough for me to play his clip on the radio today. So the best of all possible worlds.
This is inexplicably funny, Brandon. Seriously out of bounds. Is there a Royals one planned?
#boombitch
yee YEE.