Ozzie Guillen said some bad things. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but this one had a little more despot flattering than most, so it’s a big deal.
Of course, we at The Dugout believe in freedom of speech, so if Ozzie wants to say that Fidel Castro is better at skateboarding than Tony Hawk it should be his constitutional right as an American Sports Person Of Interest to do so. It should also be my right to explain why he said it in somewhat-antiquated chatroom form.
So here we are. The Ozzie Guillen Loves Fidel Castro Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
** Online Host ** | ||
 | BuehrleBrawl: lol are you kidding, Ozzie’s the best, he’s like a five-eight mound of pissed-off olive Play-Doh, put your thumb in him hard enough and he’ll say anything you want | |
 | StantonDeliver: hahah nuh uh dude’s like 50 years old, he’s not gonna say dumshit because you tricked him into it | |
| StantonDeliver: he is a grown adult man, not the troll from the billy goats gruff | |
| BuehrleBrawl: ok, don’t believe me? Watch! HEY SKIP | |
 | OzzieOzzieOzzie: /stumbles into chatroom with pants around ankles whayouwhan | |
| BuehrleBrawl: do you support Chavez, y/y | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: Not too many people like the president. I do. My mom will kill me, but it’s an honor to talk to the president. Our wonderful, murdering president | |
| BuehrleBrawl: ok now watch this wait a minute, did you just say you SUPPORT Chavez? That’s WRONG! | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: you think if I supported Chavez I’d be the manager of the Marlins? I never supported Chavez! STOP PUTTING WORSE IN MY MOUTH | |
| StantonDeliver: son of a bitch | |
 | CiShektion: loool let me try | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: not my fault chavez is president i dunneven know what president is | |
| CiShektion: urm, so hey how much would you say you respect Fidel Castro, would you say “very much” or “the most”, those being your only two options | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: i love him | |
| StantonDeliver: /facepalms | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: i respect fidel castro. you know why? a lot of people have wanted to kill fidel castro for the last 60 years, but that lovable f**k is still there | |
| CiShektion: fidel castro is a brutal dictator | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: is that ok | |
| CiShektion: LOL NO | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: there is nothing to respect about fidel castro he is brutal dictator I HATE HIM, we live in a community of victims i will not stand until fidel castro is brought to justice or you’ve forgiven me one or the other | |
| BuehrleBrawl: Ozzie, Fidel Castro is here to see you | |
 | CastroGTX: OZZIE! /enters chatroom on floating shard of wood | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: hey fidel wanna ditch these f**ks an go ride bikes | |
| CastroGTX: YES | | BuehrleBrawl: ahem |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: im sorry suddenly i dunno who you are | |
| CastroGTX: I AM FIDEL CASTRO! BRUTAL DICTATOR! | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: i hear about you brutal dictation sry nothing 2 respect about you my family and friend agree it would be worse to live in cuba than to be black an you can quote me on that | |
 | HanleyDown: which part | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: dont quote me | |
| CastroGTX: BUT OZZIE, THE BIKES | |
| BuehrleBrawl: lightning round … go! | |
| StantonDeliver: Kony | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: great with chilren, hot dogs are f**ken amazing | |
| CiShektion: pol pot | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: 100 percents say marijuana shoul be legal | |
| HanleyDown: the guys that did 9/11 | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: jews or the actual guys | |
| BuehrleBrawl: Jesus Christ | |
| HanleyDown: actual guys | |
| OzzieOzzieOzzie: great teamwork, best ive seen since columbine | |
| BuehrleBrawl: shut her down, everybody, this was a mistake | |
| CiShektion: no way, let’s keep going if we let him keep talking he’ll get fired five games in and maybe the daedric princes who dressed us like this and made us play in this $515 million pachinko machine will have pity and let us go | |
| HanleyDown: all i heard was fired but yeah let’s do that |
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Ozzie and Castro should srsly go play spies. On bikes.
I support Ozzie Guillen and love his tenacity.
Ozzie Guillen is terrible and I never supported his antics.
The Dugout is increasing my interest in MLB by leaps and bounds.
I love that Mark Buehrle is actually there with Ozzie because there’s a 100 percent chance that this is somewhat truthful and he actually knows how to troll Ozzie in real life.
Hint: You troll Ozzie by saying words at him
You could just constantly stir the pot. “Hey Ozzie, you see so-and-so said some gibberish about you?” = “WHO THE F*** IS MAGGLIO ORDONEZ?”
You lost 50 percent of WL readers at Pol Pot and more at Pachinko. These are getting epic and should replace whatever is printed on the last page of SI these days. Another stunner, Brandon.
Pot Pol!
Brilliant. Nearly prolapsed at the Elder Scrolls reference.
It’s funny ’cause Ozzie probably can’t show himself in most of the fun neighborhoods in Miami right now.
can’t we just focus on what really matters: batebaw game!
Cambodia in da hizzy.
My favorite one in a long time. Dugout got!
The best thing about this story — other than Ozzie probably getting fired for being a dumbass and then getting hired again somewhere like Cleveland — is the call for a boycott of Marlins games. How will we know?
I love the new Miami ballpark, I admire its spirit and color palette.
What no, I would never go there, it’s tacky and I hate it.
CiShektion. Utter genius. This was unsurprisingly brilliant.
jews or the actual guys. That’s just well done.
I’m surprised no one brought this up, but what of the alarming absence of one Big Z? He, along with Farnsworth and Lady Cop, will be inducted into the prestigious Dugout Hall of Fame. Castro is a lock for the celebrity wing.
Just created an account to say how much I enjoy these (and have been enjoying them for the last few years). Well done, sir.
Man, watching Ozzie go nuts is WAY more fun when he’s not your favorite team’s manager. Thanks Marlins!!! <3 U guys
“jews or the actual guys?” may be the funniest line of any dugout ever