Chicago White Sox righty Philip Humber tossed the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history on Saturday, leading the Sox to a 4-0 victory over the Seattle Mariners.
His prize was a super awkward appearance on ‘Late Show with David Letterman’.
His consolation prize is having this special moment chronicled in the Opening Days series of The Dugout, so that it may be remembered and cherished for all times. The appearance on Letterman, not the perfect game.
Here’s that.
The Dugout
** Online Host ** | ||
 | CantFindALetterman: this guy walks up to me, looks me right in the eye and gives me one of these he goes you uh… you got any gum | |
| CantFindALetterman: Ha ha ha HAAAAAAA | |
| CantFindALetterman: you uh… you got any gum | |
 | ShafferTheFlavor: /can’t believe he hasn’t killed himself at some point 30 years | |
 | WhoDroveTheHumber: so should I start or what | |
| CantFindALetterman: so Paul, you uh, you uh, you seen this “game of thrones” people are talkin’ about … the “game of thrones” show? that people are talking about? | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: Game Of Thrones enhh | |
| CantFindALetterman: the game of thrones show | |
| CantFindALetterman: you uh… you got any gum | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: ennhh ennh ennhh | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: look guys, pretty sure my wife just went into labor so if we could move it along that’d be awesome, I’d rather see my newborn child than read your jack kevorkian jokes | |
| CantFindALetterman: tonight’s top 10 list /checks index card | |
| CantFindALetterman: top 10 things that went through philip humber’s mind AND NOW uh, presenting tonight’s top 10 list fromeer chicago white sox here’s “no-hitter” philip, uh, humber! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: hello everybody it’s me, “no walks” phil humber | |
| CantFindALetterman: so you uh, uhhhh you pitched a perfect game is that correct /checks index cards | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: yes | |
| CantFindALetterman: but would you say it was really “perfect”? Ha HA!! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: ughhhhh | |
| CantFindALetterman: so you play “the baseball”, is that correct? how does that work exactly | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: are you asking me to explain to you the entirety of baseball | |
| CantFindALetterman: do you throw it or do you catch it, or are you one of the guys that sells snacks and gum to the people in the crowd | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: I throw and catch it Dave | |
| CantFindALetterman: ol’ philip omber in the crowd sellin’ his snacks, sellin’ his snacks to the people there, guy looks him right in the eye and asks … uhhh you got any gum | |
| CantFindALetterman: got any gum and he does! | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: whehhh | |
** Online Host ** | ||
| CantFindALetterman: so how fast is your fastball pitch | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: I don’t know, like 92? | |
| CantFindALetterman: HOLY SHIT WHAT | |
| CantFindALetterman: and yer slowball, how fast is the ol’ slowball pitch | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: I can throw a ball as slowly as 0 mph dave | |
| CantFindALetterman: ZERO miles per hour! and that’s a difference of what there, that’s a difference of er uh what 92, 92 miles per hour | |
| CantFindALetterman: 92 miles, uh | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: 92 miles per hour | |
| CantFindALetterman: 92 miles per hour /checks index cards | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: my wife is literally dying in childbirth without me right now probably | |
| CantFindALetterman: nyer uh top 10 things that were going through philip urmber’s mind when he was throwing a no-hitter perfect game, number 10! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: “how the f**k does David Letterman still have an audience in 2012″ | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 9! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: “who the f**k is philip humber” | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: blenghhh | |
| CantFindALetterman: number uhh, number 8! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: /weirdly long pause “thank goodness I didn’t have to pitch to tim tebow” | |
| CantFindALetterman: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: number 7 is “thank goodness i didn’t have to pitch to jeremy lin”, do you just have a mad libs book and fill in the spaces with ransom note word clippings from people magazine | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 7! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: seriously | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: thank goodness i didn’t have to pitch to jeremy lin | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 6! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: this just says “go sit in the truck”, is that a thing | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 5! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: “these batters are worse at hitting baseballs than kim kardashian and the kardashians are at having morals” and then you have “first draft” colon “fix” in red ink with a circle around it | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 4! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: “I am a good baseball player” | |
| CantFindALetterman: number 3! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: next to number three on the cue card you’ve stapled a playbill for Rock Of Ages and there’s a post-it stuck to it that says “tom cruise gay” with a bunch of question marks written in gel pen | |
| CantFindALetterman: eh heh heh number 2! | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: “albert pujols doesn’t have any home runs” good to know the guy on your team who likes sports got one approved | |
| CantFindALetterman: and finally the number one thing that was going through philip plumber’s game, through his game while he was pitching a perfect game … | |
| WhoDroveTheHumber: I’m not reading that. Gonna go see my wife, goodbye for hopefully ever | |
** Online Host ** | ||
| CantFindALetterman: mark burly, everybody! | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: so enhh, what’d number one say | |
| CantFindALetterman: number one … “monica lewinsky”. there we go, “monica lewinsky” | |
| ShafferTheFlavor: /rests head on keyboard | |
| CantFindALetterman: stay tuned we’ll be right back with the lady who married rob on “rob” because a job’s a job and musical guest crazy town |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com
TAGS: BASEBALL, CHICAGO WHITE SOX, DAVID LETTERMAN, MLB, PAUL SHAFFER, PERFECT GAMES, PHILIP HUMBER, THE DUGOUT, THE DUGOUT OPENING DAYS, TOP TEN LIST
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“musical guest crazy town” is an all-time great Dugout closing line. The best ones always make you remember things you tried to forget were ever a thing.
/you’remybutterflysugarbaby
got me SPRUNG with ya TONGUE ring
I love that Crazy Town played an integral role in the moviefilm Orange County, without actually appearing in the film
COME MY LADY COME COME MY LADY
For the longest time I always thought the announcer was saying Paul Schaffer and the World’s Most Dangerous Man and disappointedly thought that they always ran out of time to show the World’s Most Dangerous Man…I’m not the brightest
Ken Shamrock will beat you into a living death!
you got any gum.
Norm MacDonald’s David Letterman > David Letterman
“musical guest Crazy Town”
clap…clap…clap.
The Perfect Meatloaf joke was pretty funny.
*Extends arms out*
Come at me with your insults bro!
YOURE MY BUTTERFL
BUTTERFLY
nothing more timely than reciting a norm macdonald sketch from 15 years ago.
It still applies tho
Hopefully the rest of the dialogue was enough to convince you that I wasn’t trying to be especially timely with a thing about David Letterman.
McBain: That’s the joke.
I’ve never nor do I ever plan to watch an MLB and these things are still pure gold.
Oh come on, that wasn’t so bad–and Humber did pretty well reading it compared to some people Dave’s had do it.
Of course, you know my favorite was #2 (Yep, 9-0…done deal…*snicker*)
Do you know who the Mets traded Humber for? Johan Santana. Hmmmmm, not quite sure who got the better deal there…
Fun fact: the only good thing David Letterman did was have Amy Sedaris on as a regular guest the past ten years.
LOL @ who drove the Humber. It was Scott Steiner
I just realized that Letterman is like . . . the “late night host version” of Tim McCarver. Also I can’t stop singing Pearl Jam now. Dammit on both counts.
Letterman is still better than Leno and he’s not even funny. You just have to be not… less funny? Or maybe I just like adulterers more than people who steal other’s dreams.
These are supposed to be funny, right?
not really
PHENOMENAL.
Mexican Ball! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
**Paul Shafer chimes**
♫ Dave is a Mex, Dave is a Mex, DAVE IS a MEEEEEXXXX!!!!! ♫
I’d watch Crazytown, especially if that guy is still rocking that sweet multicolored DARE shirt