Best: Brock Lesnar As The One Legitimate Asshole In Pro Wrestling
Usually I like wrestling performers and hate what happens to them on screen. That’s the opposite with Brock Lesnar — I think he’s an awful person but I LOVE how awful a person he is on television. Where I might give someone like CM Punk sh*t for being racist or misogynistic on the shows because I know he’s capable of better, I laugh my ass off at Brock in a sombrero dancing around in circles because he is actually that guy. He is actually a total asshole.
He’s the one guy in the industry I know for a fact is exactly like this in real life. I like that he isn’t particularly eloquent … he just says he’s a WAR MACHINE, an ASS KICKER, and he does it in that yokel Midwestern country voice that lets you know if not for a rudimentary college education he’d be off somewhere traipsing through the woods trying to punch a deer to death in the ribs. He’s a high school bully given gamma radiation powers by whatever people eat in rural South Dakota so he’s gigantic and unstoppable (save for the gut disease) so he feels no remorse and won’t stop trying to bully you.
He’s the guy who gets a series of dream jobs and just bails on them for no reason because he’s bored. He’s the guy who puts skulls and guts on one side of his shirt and a Jimmy John’s logo on the other. He’s that guy and holy sh*t is he fantastic. “JYASH, AHMMA WAR MACHINE.” Yeah you are!
Best: Alberto Del Rio Wiping His Nose With Zack Ryder, Literally And Figuratively
Zack Ryder versus Alberto Del Rio lasted about a minute-35, which is about a minute-34 longer than it should’ve. One is the dumbest fictional person in pro wrestling (we’re talking “Sting in his prime” levels of dumb here), the other is lucha royalty. I am so f**king pleased as punch to have Alberto Del Rio back in my life, and this animated gif of him wiping his nose with Zack Ryder’s stupid Phoenix Suns merchandise is a fantastic illustration of why.
Don’t ever leave me again, Berto.
Worst: Stay Out Of My Wrestling, Will Sasso
All right, so, the Three Stooges again.
The segment gets a “Worst” because it’s F-grade celebrities pretending to be shoot comedy icons on my wrestling show when wrestling should be happening, and unless you’re bulletproof like Bob Barker or Kermit Frog you can’t just waltz out onto Raw with this bullsh*t and expect me to enjoy it. The crowd booed them incessantly, and they deserved it.
THAT being said, they didn’t do that bad of a job. Weird, right? Their Stooges impressions are pretty good, even if they aren’t doing them for the right reasons, and Sasso’s Hulk Hogan impression in particular was awesome. He had the arm motions down and made sure to work in “dude” as much as “brother”, which most people forget. He was funny and funny looking and deserves some praise for the effort, regardless of whether or not wrestling fans are okay having paid like 150 dollars to sit through commercial breaks and be set upon by Stooges in-between.
Kane chokeslamming Sasso was also welcomed, as “Kane chokeslamming X” is always great as long as X =/= a wrestler. The biggest point of interest here is that Sasso was on an episode of Nitro a long time ago that apparently everyone remembers, so if you haven’t seen that, click the link. I guess if you’re gonna bring back Brock Lesnar, you might as well bring back Will Sasso, too.
I’m just sad Senor Bag Of Crap never showed up.
Best: This Inappropriate Ponytail Theater Video Package
That’s some good video package.
It made a 40-minute cage-without-the-cage WCW Weapons match look, sound and feel like the best and most important match in WWE history, and while I’m not the first to say it, the guys in charge of making WWE’s hype videos are the best people at what they do in the wrestling business. Maybe any business.
Pretty sad Cody didn’t record his parts in character, though. I want to see him sniffing and making raptor faces because nnnnnnobody, mm ha ha, is assss dashingggg.
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FIRST!
The best part of the opening brawl was seeing Santino so concerned about the well-being of these two superstars that he picked up Cena’s green hat and did nothing else. It must have been a great hat.
Cicople reference. Well done.
That Snitsky poem was inspired.
Never understood when wrestlers run out like that to break up a fight. “Oh my god! They might hurt each other! WE MUST STOP THIS COLLECTIVELY!” Imagine this happened every time HHH grabs the sledgehammer and he’s gang banged by 30 superstars before he even looks up.
It’s because Vince is backstage yelling: “Dear GOD they’re giving it away for FREE! Anyone who doesn’t stop this NOW is FIRED!”
I was a little concerned that not all of the talent ran to their respective heel/face corners to hold back “their guy”. Is there not a diagram of this in the back next to the building evacuation procedures? Then again, I was secretly hoping it was just a way for ADR and Swaggler to punch Cena in the head a bunch of times unnoticed.
Also possible that someone, maybe Justin Gabriel, yelled “Guys, this shit JUST GOT REAL!” and they all came out to stop it because… uh, it kinda falls apart there.
If I was in WWE, the Texas Cloverleaf would totes be my finisher. Except I’d call it the “Vegas Cloverleaf…cuz…you know…I’m from Vegas.
*immediately signs you to WWE Creative*
:D
Being from Vegas, you would have to be repackaged as a Lounge Singer. Because Vince doesn’t understand things have changed since he was young.
Fuck you, Kevin Nash, for spoiling any potential Vegas gimmick that could actually get over.
@RonSwanson I can do that, my voice is easy on the ears. I also own a fedora hat.
You would probably also get the curse of death finisher “Roll the Dice” the inverted DDT/elbow drop thing that every awful wrestler once used as a finisher.
Just looked it up on Youtube, looks like Cross Rhodes, which I will gladly take!
Cole: “Vintage Plus Rhodes by Alopezb5, (wrestling name pending), now he’s setting Hornswoggle up for the Vegas Cloverleaf. SWOGGLE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TAP!”
I didn’t watch Wrestling from like 2002-2009.
What is a Bork Laser? (Obviously it’s just a funny way of saying Brock Lesnar, but where did it originate?)
It was used as a way of avoiding copyright infringement in the early 1700′s when Bork was running wild on the Internet.
The best part about the reptile dysfunction joke was the 10 seconds of radio-silence that followed, and then their mics coming back on and Michael Cole corpsing the hell out of his next few calls.
If you look, the camera angle catches Cole in the background attempting to pull his shit together, covering his face and laughing his ass off for a SPLIT second right when Lawler tells the joke.
Does nobody else remember that Lawler used that joke on Vickie at last year’s Slammy’s (Or maybe it was the year before last, anyway, he’s said it before)?
Road agents administering shoot punishment based on their gimmicks could be pretty rich, actually. Larry Rotunda chasing ADR around about tax evasion? YES PLEASE.
“Triceratops is the best dinosaur.” YES! YES! YES!
As a massive fan of Billy ‘the Blue Power Ranger’ Cranston, I have to agree.
They were vegans, and friendly, and had horns to ruin your good day if you got up in their business. If you don’t think Triceratops is the absolute best ever, then I don’t know what to tell you.
WRONG! Ankylosaurus is the best (at least according to Dan Tefler)! [www.youtube.com]
as soon as I saw that engraved plaque hanging over his Wrestlemania suit, I knew that was a Best.
I just hope he has that sleeveless “I can be cool, too!” referee shirt from RR hanging somewhere as well.
At some point, he should have a pair of baseballs/footballs that he places in a handbag
@RonSwanson +1
According to new research, the triceratops may not have existed. Sorry, B.
P.S. T-Rex ftw.
YES! YES! YES! T-Rex is the undisputed champ.
As a massive fan of Jason’ the Red Power Ranger’ Scott, I have to agree.
““Albert” was/is not especially good.”….I’m so glad you went on to talk about A-Train at the end of his first run/Giant Bernard and how wrestlers can get better and worse over time because I was about to KICK OFF.
Great article by the way. The various descriptions of who Brock Lesnar is are amazing.
I’m awarding a supplemental best to THESTINGER’s dog for getting his paw in on that pic of his sign.
Doggy photo bomb :)
+1 I loved that
Huzzah for THESTINGER & the Scorpion Death Paw
She’s a good girl!
Not gonna lie, but sometimes it’s the tiny details like the Jeff Hardy/Starbucks comparison that makes this column mandatory Tuesday reading.
Sadly, everything else in the column is rad but secondary to that.
I remember when Starbucks had to change their original logo, which was the same mermaid-ish thing but scaled back so you could see it spread-eagle with its fish legs. Then people complained about its non-existent genitals…which makes me wonder why anyone would think about going balls deep inside the invisible fish coochie of the Starbucks logo.
Except for me, I guess.
SHIELD YOUR EYES FROM THE DEBAUCHERY!!!
[i.imgur.com]
In the third grade, I remember doing a crude drawing of an Iguanodon performing Sub Zero’s spine rip fatality on another dinosaur WITH HIS MOUTH. I didn’t know that the Iguanodon was a herbivore, and I surely didn’t know that depicting Dinosaur Mortal Kombat with colored pencils was looked down upon.
Random dinosaur anecdote aside, I missed this Raw due to family being in town. And even though this seemed to be a “bad” show, still kinda bummed that I missed it. Looks like the Punk/Jericho thing is getting interesting.
Where were you during my childhood? You did something awesome like that and your avatar is freaking Scratch from Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine. Bromance on.
♪Guy love, that’s all it is♪
Starbucks= Jeff Hardy made me lol. I will never look at that logo the same.
Over/under on Cena making a Jimmy Johns joke: 1.5 Raws
Jeff Hardy/Starbucks: YOU CANNOT UNSEE!!!!!
Johnny totally blowing off Eve made the entire night for me. Just slayed me.
Said it in the thread and I’ll say it again: with you 100% on the Albert chants. It’s one thing to decide to do the “Yes!” chants as a way to say “We like this guy whether you want us to or not.” It’s totally different to actively try and ruin a part of the show with chants. We get it, he’s Albert. And Kane was a dentist and Josh Matthews was on Tough Enough. Curtain. Pulled.
Also, I’m going to be at Raw when it’s here in Pittsburgh in a month or so, I’d be happy to contribute a page.
Made top 10 Comments? That calls for a Victory YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! lap around my office.
Q: What noise does Tony Atlas make when he’s frowning?
A: Still “HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH”
WORST for slave hand Teddy Long.
I may be wrong, but I don’t recall Henry mentioning that the championship is even on the line next week, only that there’s no disqualifications.
Am I wrong?
I hope I’m wrong.
Last night’s match was a Championship Match, so the rematch is one as well. You had to pay close attention (and I don’t blame you for not) to see that.
Cheers Sting, paying close attention is not one of my strengths.
Is the Tensai/Albert and Ryback/Sheffield thing fairly recent, or have I just not noticed when WWE acknowledges that some wrestlers have been here before? I know they haven’t used any names, but was R-Truth ‘exposed’ as the former K-Kwik when he returned, or is it just like “Oh, here’s this guy, he’s brand new”?
Brandon-
I suppose I should admit that I actively don’t care that Matt Bloom is back in the WWE before I start here but here is the problem with your Lord Tensai isn’t racist thesis.
The WWE does not have a particularly great history in treating their ACTUAL wrestlers of Asian descent with dignity or even giving them a character beyond Evil Asian Stereotype X and Wacky Asian Stereotype Y. So having a white guy come in, get a prime spot and essentially steal all of the standard “Japanese wrester” characteristics (even if they insert the knowing wink where they acknowledge he’s actually a white guy) seems completely in sync with the standard WWE brand racism that’s been going on with this company for 50 years. All I can see when I see this character is the implicit “Dances with Wolves” narrative bullshit where a white guy goes to a foreign land masters all of the foreign secrets and becomes a better samurai than all of the Na’vi because he’s a white guy and thus better. It sucks and I don’t want it on my screen.
I mean if they went out and got Takeshi Morishima to be Evil Giant Tatooed Samurai guy, it still be annoyingly racist but at least, it would another minority getting a prime spot on a national television show.
I’m sorry if that makes me Britta Perry in this scenario, Rum Ham.
Hahahaha, yeah sorry about that dude that was completely a dick move on my part. My apologies. The minute I said that you followed it with like 5 or 6 witty/interesting comments and I felt like a huge asshole.
I agree. The Lord Tensai gimmick is full-on cultural appropriation, and while it may be with the best of intentions (if we’re to believe the story about Matt Bloom discovering himself in Japan and immersing himself in its culture, thereby making this gimmick more of an homage), it’s still rooted in racism.
The question I have is… would the gimmick be working better, worse, or the same with an actual Japanese wrestler in place of Albert?
If they got Takeshi Morishima I’d be dancing around in happiness circles. And then a week later I’d be super sad because they’d call him a fat girl.
I’m Asian. It’s not racist. If anything, it’s Albert doing cosplay.
choppy choppy
I’d be willing to do a 1 page write up for the B&W if the WWE comes to Vegas, although a good 75% of it would be pics & gifs of animals wearing people clothes…
My Business Cat meets Dog Fort Fanfiction would go over huge. HUGE I TELLS YA!
I have A LOT of business cat & dog fort stuff saved on my flash drive!
While the Stooges are a deserved WORST, does anyone know how those movie plugs work? You know their studio paid serious money to get the time on the show. Is it for a set amount of time? A number of appearances throughout the show? I’m just curious because based on whatever the deal has to be, maybe that was actually the best anyone could have hoped for. Otherwise, they probably would have buried it and just kept the studio’s money, right?
My original thought was that part of WWE and NBC Universal’s deal is that they have to plug a certain amount of company movies per year. But it looks like 20th century fox is releasing 3 stooges, so I’m guessing it is a paid sponsorship thing? In sales job where I’ve sold advertisements, we’ve had various levels of sponsorship’s, depending on what you put in, you could get various amounts of visibility.
I think a lot of this cross promo (which I almost went on a rant about during the WM thread) is all NBCU synergy. I’ve been ranting a lot at work and in general about how much better NBC is at it than everyone else – like WWE people on Fallon and Leno, Voice people record a duet (Moves Like Jagger) that happens to be on a Universal label, and so on. I didn’t look into it, but I’m pretty sure Flo Rida and MGK are likely signed to Uni labels (even if Uni Music isn’t part of the conglomerate). In this case tho, RonSwanson has to be right on the paid sponsorship thing. The distributor is Fox and the Farrellys seem to have a deal with Fox. WWE must have gotten a lot to structure a show around the movie, and the target demo must be their viewers.
Re: Lord Tensai: I don’t know, I’m not buying him. I feel like he should be “grizzled vet who made a name for himself in Japan and learned a lot because japan is vicious” but instead he’s “The Sultan”. I mean, does he have to yell Ichi Ban Tensai! Is that the ONLY Japanese he learned after like 8 years of being over there? Ichiban?
As a massive fan of Tommy ‘the Green Power Ranger’ Oliver, I have to say the Dragon is the best dinosaur.
ichiban is my favorite sushi joint!
When they send Kidman out to do pull aparts they should have whoever is brawling attempt to powerbomb him. That’ll teach em.
but YOU CAN’T…
“Worst: Kids chanting “Let them fight!” when Lesnar and Cena were being held apart. That made me feel uncomfortable.”
@THESTINGER Your wrestling fandom seems very conflicted sometimes. I see what you’re getting at, but shouldn’t any and all kid interest in wrestling make you uncomfortable if this did?
I think there’s a line, and it might be thin, to wanting to see wrestling and being into the stories versus wanting to see blood and violence. I’m also not a UFC guy, so maybe this is a needlessly thin line that only makes sense to me.
As much as all the Three Stooges stuff was pretty awful, I do have to give a BEST for the WWE’s fantastic continuity (and credit to DocZeus for pointing this out last night) of Kane HATING shitty celebrity guest stars and demonstrating such with CHOKESLAMS. I didn’t actually enjoy the segment, but just the idea of that being one of Kane’s driving forces as a “character” was maybe my favorite moment of the night.
Also, Camacho explaining Hunger Games had me laughing for a solid ten minutes, well done as always Brandon.
Camacho, after explaining Hunger Games to a stunned Santino says: “WHATCHU THINK WEZ IGNIT HOMEY!?”
I wasn’t here for the thread, but that is a wonderfully astute observation by DocZeus.
Because I am that kind of mark: both Kofi and Dolph have stated on their Twitters that they are reading The Hunger Games. Oh to be a part of the WWE book club.
WWE rips off ‘A Christmas Story’ with “‘Fragile’ – sounds Italian.”
YES! I wasn’t the only one to catch that :D
If there was a chance that my Pontiac POS could handle the 2500 miles and 24 hour round-trip (and not fall apart a la the Bluesmobile somewhere in Tennessee), I would be at your live riffing of Raw, Brandon.
Oh, and THESTINGER, my vote is for either Raw Group Therapy or Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.
TEAM ALPHA SUPER AWESOMECOOL DYNAMITE WOLF SQUADRON ASSEMBLE!
Marky Marks and the Marky Bunch?
I’m torn on the Albert chants. I understand it’s sort of a dick thing to do; and the fans were just doing it to demonstrate that they know who the guy used to be, and they remember that he sucked.
But is it *that* much different than last week’s “YES!” chants? Those chants weren’t so much in favor of Bryan as they were *protesting* Bryan’s treatment the night before… right? Drowning out Sheamus & Alberto with “YES!” chants is kind of dickish too. We just don’t see it that way, because we all like Bryan.
…I’m not saying last night’s crowd gave it that kind of thought. They were just being dickish “smart” fans. But if I had been in that crowd, I probably would have been chanting “Albert” too. But for the right reasons– to make fun of this guy I never cared about, AND to protest the fact that *he* gets to wrestle on TV while other, more deserving guys, don’t. It’s just another way of saying “Don’t tell me what to care about, WWE.”
The “YES!” chants were dickish moves with good intentions.
The “Albert!” chants were dickish moves with dickish intentions.
The YES! chants were protests against being screwed out of seeing Daniel Bryan wrestle at WrestleMania for the second year in a row. If anything, its a nice reminder to the Powers that Be that its never smart to piss off the fans.
EVILKIMMELMAEKSPOOPIEZ
I want a celebrity match between Allison Brie and AJ. With Kate Upton referreeing. And the winner gets to fly around the world with me on my new jetpack that is fueled by the smiles of children! YES! YES! YES!
That is just so glorious. How on Earth did I miss it???
Good stuff, Brandon. You found the words that I couldn’t to describe why I think Brock is great. I’m all for the Incredible fucking Hulk kicking people in the dick instead of smashing them just because he thinks it’s funny.
Great stuff Brandon. You too, Stinger.
Thank you!
Disagreed with a lot being said here as I was bored to fucking tears by this show last night. I thought the Cena and Lesnar brawl was pretty much the only redeeming of the whole show. But, hey, you know opinions and shit. Enjoyed the column all the same. Also, best and worst of Old School Smackdown? A possible Dean Ambrose debut may happen tonight.
Keep in mind that it followed Night of a Thousand YES!es. The only way they could follow that is by showing Bret-Owen at WM10, Bret-Austin at WM13, Austin-Rock at WM17 and Cena-Punk at MitB.
I felt absolutely terrible after about the 10:20 mark in last night’s show. Today, after reading this, you’ve put things in some perspective for me and I feel 90% less terrible about wrestling. Thanks for being the leader of this group therapy session, B. With Leather and all the goodly people o’ open thread land keep me from giving up.
THESTINGER, where in the hell did they have a wrestling match in Key West?
I was a kid so I can’t remember the name, but it was an outdoor arena with a tunnel leading to the back (I remember that because we were right at the mouth of the tunnel and I slapped Sting’s back! STING! I had a rat tail and an earring. I was a badass 8 year old).
It may have been on Marathon now that I think about it.
Are we getting an Open Thread for the live Smackdown?
I’m in favor of this. It has MEAN GENE (woooooooo!) for crying out loud!!
Guys and gals, I stole the keys from Brandon’s office, so I’m making this thread into a lock-in for tonight’s Super Live Smackdown!
Let me guess, you young kids never did lock-ins at the skating rink, right?
We had lock-ins in Junior High. That’s all I’ll say.
I see what you mean about Tensai, Brandon, and I think it’s cool that they’re mentioning his past run and explaining his current character. It’s pretty rare and I fully expected them to just shove him out there and expect no one to remember he used to be the fat guy with the hairy back. HOWEVER, for the past year Mark Henry is putting on a goddamn UNSTOPPABLE MONSTER clinic and Tensai’s shit pales in comparison so far. If it’s not done right, they’re just fat, slow and boring. I hope they have some solid plans because I’m not sure he’s getting over on his own.
Shouldn’t Smackdown only be allowed to blast to the past of like ’98?
Is Piper going to crack a slab of ribs on Bryan’s head?
Daniel Bryan in PIPER’S PIT!! Love it.
THAT MONSTER SHOULD BE IN CHAINS! HE IS A LOOSE CANNON!
Are we using this to talk about Smackdown tonight? Hillbilly Jim or we riot!
We sure are!
Fuck yeah.
I appreciate the dinosaur references too, but Lawler didn’t do his research well enough. “Brontosaurus” is nomenclaturally inaccurate; “apatosaurus”, please.
Can’t believe you haven’t mentioned the new Del Rio shirt, which features his profile on what looks like a Roman aureus. You should buy it for Destiny so that it looks like she has the most bad-ass personalized softball jersey in history.
Okay, so, Brodus at Wrestlemania. At first, when his “momma” came out and it was clearly a young African-American lady in a frumpy sundress with a butt prosthetic, I thought, “Well, this is really dumb and kind of racist.” But then her “bridge club” came out and I stopped hating it out of sheer confusion. Everybody was dressed like his momma — same dress, same aged hairstyle, same artificially large ass. Is Brodus’s mother important enough to be a trend-setter among her peer group? How did they all know the same dance? I’ve set up brunch for a bridge club before, and all they did was play bridge and gossip, not rehearse group dance numbers should they gain the opportunity to dance on pay-per-view in Miami. It became so absurd and so inexplicable that I can’t hate it as much as I’d like to. When WWE does lowest-common denominator humor, it sucks out loud, so if they’re going for a “funny” segment, I’d rather they go all out and produce something that looks like an Andy Warhol fever dream.
On a related note, seeing that image of a bloody Cena, I really hope they let Johnny Curtis eventually start doing his idiom-explained-literally schtick again once he’s done chloroforming passers-by backstage.
With Del Rio wearing a shirt with a Roman Coin, Does that mean Santino will have a shirt with his ass on a peso?
Wait, referees have names? When did this happen?
Sheamus uses the phrase “Code of Honor?” If I thought Vince had ever even heard of ROH, I’d be pissed about that.
He thinks it’s the name of one of them vidja games his grandkids play. Code of Honor, Medal of Duty, all that jazz.
Disapproving Johnny disapproves. **Jesse Jackson voice from South Park** “That’s rite, apologizzzeeee”
Who does he think he is, Triple H? Giving out 100′s of thousands of dollars.
of fines
Probably a mistake to take more than he makes in a year. That seems a little high.
People Power is the best!
So is Mean Gene gonna have to chug eggs and go for a nice jog with Sheamus in order to train for his match tonight?
Cue Sheamus from across the ring to Mean Gene: “Oye’m sorry fellah, I luve ya” followed by kick to the face, and Mean Gene’s dentures go sailing into the 3rd row.
Last two weeks: Miami crowd > Last Night’s Crowd > Tonight’s Crowd. Bringing back “what?” during the Johnny – Sheamus spot? F you guys. This is why we can’t have nice things.
There is already a severe lack of YES chants and booing Sheamus. The WWE already won. Miami was our last hope.
I heard a brief, mild Daniel Bryan chant during Sheamus’ first moments in the ring, but yeah, that ended quickly.
In all fairness, the DC area (which I am including this in) is notorious for pretty much doing whatever the WWE wants them to. Go back and watch last night’s show. Their reaction to Brock is “Well, we know this guy, and he’s a big deal, but isn’t he the bad guy?”, and then they lose their shit for Cena.
Extreme rules is in Chicago so we’re ok.
Throwback Randy Orton with a mid-rope DDT to Mark Henry.
Hooray, Mark Henry time!
Splittin’ wigs since 1996
Clearly, Mark Henry’s slams gain a +5 Damage boost when the opponent is held in the horizontal position.
I think the Smackdown crew (or maybe it’s just Josh Matthews) has forgotten how to do live shows. The last two commercial breaks have been kind of awkward and sudden.
I think Matthews only knows how to be awkward.
We’re in! F-ing Comcast…
Worst: “Raven is the worst” sign in the front row.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“You know, Cole, I had a dream you died”.
Booker T., paraphrasing MLK.
This commentary…uhhh…can I suggest a slap fight to settle it?
Needs more Cowboy Bob… Where’s that cast???
I believe it got buried with Owen Hart. Too soon?
Is Kane’s mask on sideways?
Oh no, a boiler room!
Hasn’t Randy done worse things to his dad, though?
Kane raped Cowboy Bob. :(
“Let’s find out why they call you…Cowboy”
BrokeSmack Downtain…
Are we +ing things tonight? Because blacksnakemoan just got most of mine.
Quick! Someone get a paramedic back there to slap a fresh cast on Bob Orton’s arm!
Kane’s got a new tag partner, Inanimate Carbon Rod!
Quick, someone give that Inanimate Carbon Rod a push! Kid’s got a future.
Try the veal! Kane…OUT!
Kane, with a lame, Spider Man-level punchline to sum up the scene.
Can we have a return to the attitude era and have Kane stop talking?
Oh God damn it, I always miss the beginning of these things cause I think they start at the same time as Raw >_<
Recap: Mean Gene is in a wrestling match. Kane raped Cowboy Bob Orton.
Teddy Atlas sez time for a squarsh match!
Oh, good. The What chants are back, with nary a Yes to be found. Jesus Christ, I hate it here.
+Rhodes
I would say maybe they should have waited a week or two to print up those YES! shirts. But I’m happy he got a new shirt, so whatever.
When did Ry leave? Cause now, RyBack! Lollerz!
Benny Camer…that’s my porn name.
So random guys in the back watching a monitor is part of Ryback’s gimmick?
Can we have Kaitlyn back?
That was a fucking MurderDeathKill lariat.
That clothesline was kind of amazing.
I have audio equipment that weighs more than Benny Camer. 185?
Ryback channeled the Steiners circa 1990 with that clothesline.
Ryback had me at “Feed me more!”
Are *all* incoming superstars get saddled with the worst finishers possible?
Or rather, *do* all of them get terrible finishers?
Cue Jimmy Hart…
I discovered Ryback for the first time Friday. It took me a second to realize that the hulking steroid freak was the former Skip Sheffield. I heard he had put on some extra muscle, but he ballooned up incredibly creepily. Look, I know that probably 85% of these guys are juiced, but must they be so obvious?
Putting Tyson Kidd next to Heath Slater is a great idea. He seems so charismatic now!
There’s no way Brock “Part-Time” Lesnar is making the trip to England for Raw. Maybe since it’s his first month, they’ll make him travel more to get established again?
What does Brandon see in Heath Slater? Because to me, he’s the literal worst.
I enjoy his overwhelming goofiness. His Appalachian accent is delightful, too.
Heath Slater has been putting on some good matches on NXT and Superstars.
Heath Slater is amazing at selling and got soundly booed live in a dark match at the royal rumble against Yoshi Tatsu. In fact, he may have gotten the second most boos that night (after Cena).
Is it just me…or does Cole just not give a single shit during Smackdown? It’s rather arousing…
Arousing? Freudian slip?
…..whatever you say…
Dean Ambrose, please.
Wait for it guys…. we might get some Dean Ambrose tonight.
I’m at work for another 15 minutes and won’t get home till 9:30 EST. And I have no DVR. Am I missing anything good on Smackdown?
Like Milkman said earlier, so far Mean Gene has been put in a match against Sheamus, and Kane raped Bob Orton with a carbon pipe.
so not really.
I want Jimmy Hart to manage or just hang out with Jericho. Just and endless stream of “Come on, baby!”
Haha!
Everything’s sloped like Kidd was dragged from a rope in the Mouth of the South below!
Why waste Foley at the same time as Hart?
TALK ABOUT BARRETT! >=(
…MORE!! >=(
Nice Owen shout out, Foley.
Owen’s widow just called her lawyer (but not her momma).
oh god i can’t watch this again :’(
I hope Alberto doesn’t do something to offend Bryan by eating foie gras or something.
You bring out Mick Foley…for that? Really? You don’t bring out Ambrose. You don’t do anything. Why the fuck do I watch this shit?
Piper’s Pit!!!!
Hopefully he won’t have a brain fart and call out “Hogan” from last night.
Aw I miss Jillian
It’s the Maniac! Where’s his bucket of chestnuts?
Most notorious interview segment in history??? Didn’t they try to kill the Ultimate Warrior in the Funeral Parlor?
I remember that freaking me out as a kid. Kept the camera on the casket the whole damn time as they were trying to drill it open.
Also, fuck this crowd. How can you not go apeshit for Piper?
Aw, there are like four guys trying to do the “NO!” chant
The crowd just had the entirely wrong reaction to Daniel Bryan’s name. I hate all of them.
Oh, this crowd can fuck right off.
Clearly, LeBron had the right idea. I wish WWE would just take THEIR talent to South Beach.
Play some bongos for these people… Fuck……Yes……
fuck this crowd: VEGAN AVENGER!
I miss AJ :(
Good God, this crowd is bi-polar.
I think they just suck…they just need to be force fed EVERYTHING to give a reaction.
Fuck this 18 seconds chant so hard.
Yo, Pipes, I’d rather lose a world title in 18 seconds than never win one! Burn-town!
Oh, fuck that. FUCK. THAT. I’m getting in the car, driving to VA, and murdering all of these people. WHO’S COMING WITH ME?
I can’t tell if I hate this crowd…or if they hate themselves.
Oh man, 2/3 falls! *gets hard*
I’m just really tired of the Punk/Jericho angle. Their execution of the angle is what it is (meaning it’s not terrible), but the angle itself….ehhh. I just don’t get why this is a big deal.
I mean, I know Punk has made chicken salad out of his straight edge stuff his entire career, but there’s one key ingredient missing: the fact that alcoholism isn’t entertaining. His past stuff has always centered on the simplicity of “I’m pure” and/or “I’m better than you.” They probably thought Jericho bringing up the whole father side of it would be edgy, but it’s not even entertaining anymore.
“World Wrestling ENTERTAINMENT,” right? “Sports ENTERTAINMENT,” right? CM Punk saying “I smelled like my alcoholic dad and hated it” into a microphone is not entertaining. And then Jericho comes along, all, “OOOH, I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU…UHHH…DRINK…AND STUFF…YEAH! TAKE THAT!” It’s just a dumb angle. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
AJ wiped her feet on the ropes! Clearly she learned from D-Bry/Regal
Because I will take any excuse to trot out the time AJ tweeted at me in April 2011… she did!
A.J. @WWEAJLee
It’s my way of showing my respect for the ring. I wouldn’t dare bring dirt into a sacred place. Also William Regal does it.
aw, roddy brought his kid to the show!
AJ in jeans on Piper’s pit with D Bry. So many best..
Stand up for your self woman! Piper’s going to scream at AJ and make her cry, haha.
Nope she’s Elizabeth part II with no alternatives to Macho Man
Maybe the other half of the Chick busters will show up and fix his wagon.
BEST: AJ IN JEANS
+BrandonBoner
Hey man, I’ve loved AJ since the first episode of NXT season 3. Brandon’s got nothing to do with my boner, thankyouverymuch.
D-Bry is an evil, manipulative genius! I don’t know if I approve or not…
AJ+Levis=Cleanup on aisle 4.
Pipes is gonna get tiny-slapped by AJ.
AJ’s offering anal, isn’t she?
Did Piper just work in the Sexy, Smart, and Powerful Diva line? haha
PUT HIS ASS IN THE SLEEPER PIPER!
I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU! [and the crowd goes mild!]
+Miami Crowd
I hate Daniel Bryan right now he’s such a great heel
Using AJ as a human shield? That’s a paddlin.
/totally stole that joke
stealing a simpson joke? that’s also a paddlin’. /not complaining
AJ not showing up at my house naked: also a no.
Once I get this damn jacket off, I’mma give you a Siler City shit-kickin’!
That segment was AMAZING. I wish it had happened in front of a better crowd.
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE FIREWORKS…………….ehhhhh, screw this.
I thought that was a really good segment. I thought everyone involved played their parts very well. It was nice seeing good Piper instead of rambling Piper as well.
The bad news is that Bryan is probably gonna lose this 2/3 falls match in 2 falls for a combined 36 seconds.
I wouldn’t say everyone played their parts very well. The crowd didn’t really react for much of anything.
Good point. This has been a pretty lame crowd.
Bryan is doing a great job with this storyline but this storyline blows. The WWE is too brain dead to capitalize on his instant popularity but they’re more interested in jobbing him out to a giant ginger asshole.
So does Nattie no longer fart? That’s an improvement, right?
I can’t even express how much I wish this story would end with AJ helping Bryan cheat to win at the PPV, in an attempt to get back into his good graces. …And succeeding, of course, because I want them to be a couple.
I want them to be a couple so bad >_<
Everyone in the ring could be released this week. That’s kinda sad.
Drew’s shooting all over the place. I wouldn’t wrestle Khali either, haha
You know what, Drew. You’re probably right.
probably be more accurate if he said, “I USED TO BE better than this.”
Guess Drew read about the Bellas quitting, too.
God bless Mae Young
Oh, God…no, no, no, no, no.
Mae Young moves better than Khali, and she’s been a corpse since 1977.
Just let Mae Young die in peace.
Did Mae Young just try and knee Khali in the face?
OLDLOL #retroDugoutjoke
Khali should have instinctively brain-chopped Mae Young after she kicked him
Mae Young’s hip bones would have shattered into a million pieces from the shockwave.
Waiting for Iron Sheik to some out and rip Jinder Mahal for stealing American jobs…
I want an Iron Sheikh and Ultimate Warrior talk show!
So we’re agreed. From now on, all WWE TV shows will be filmed in either New York, Chicago, Miami and alternating Canadian cities. Any objections?
You can also do Oakland and San Jose or any city in the California Central Valley. /west coast guy
Miami crowds aren’t usually that good. It was the left-over Mania fans.
Toronto is usually fun. We like to drink.
I used to work at a Domino’s once upon a time.
True story: There’s nothing heroic about it.
Aw, Sandow, don’t use the “Webster defines” route! YOU STUPID IDIOT!
Yeah Damien! Twitter sucks, you tell em!!
Contact me @TheDamianSandow!
He would probably respond to your tweets though, he seems like that kinda guy. And take 6 tweets to do it.
It was just odd for him to rail against social media, only to have his twitter handle pop up under his name. It’d be like Punk speaking about being straight edge only to have a beer ad pop up on screen.
Hahaha I was thinking the same thing. All his responses to tweets should be “Go get an education and stop tweeting me you loser”
Are these unused Existential Fat Man monologues?
And the crowd is whating this. I…I just can’t. I can’t even.
Dammit, man. I thought you were driving out there to stop them!!! You were our last hope.
HEY GUYS WHAT?! STONE COLD AMIRITE I LOVE WRESTLING
+rhodes. +miami crowd. +whatever thing we’re doing besides 1.
HEY THAT LORD TENSAI GUY…ISN’T THAT ALBERT!?!? LET’S REMIND HIM AREN’T WE HILARIOUS?
NANANANA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE!
MISS YOU, HHH!!!
Damien Sandow makes me miss Lanny Poffo even more.
Just tuned in :( Getting old and working sucks.
Is Damien Sandow going to be able to get over without Paul Burchill or Brent Albright anywhere to be found?
Are you suggesting Damien Sandow is a pirate of some sort? Because that would be pretty awesome.
Well, he’s behind a door marked “pirate”.
What do you mean, that says “private”?
So basically this ends with Santino naively dating an underage girl?
Hahaha that episode is awesome.
Wouldn’t it be funny if that brawl only happened because Brock went into UFC autopilot when Cena slapped him.
Triple H: “Oh shit! Brock thinks this is real! Everyone save John!”
I mean, it did look like his typical ground and pound flurries, where he doesn’t posture up to get more distance and generate more force on his punches. Not that he needs to, he’s got cinder block fists, so his tiny little hammer-fist punches can still wreck fools.
Scheme Gene is totally gonna 630 the shit outta Daniel Bryan
Mean Gene having a conversation in his interview voice is strange…
“This is all I know!”
At least Bryan Sheamus 2 will happen in Chicago.
Have Sheamus’s lairs always been green?
CM punk would not approve of your motivation methods, Shemus.
Fuck, now Sheamus is doing Cena’s “everything’s OK all the time” smile. Wonderful.
Jericho left a keg over from yesterday…Sheamus has his night handled.
Big Show refuses to watch SyFy gameshow “Total Blackout”.
+1
All this blast from the past stuff just makes me wish Heenan was out there.
Poor Heenan’s missing part of his jaw now from cancer, and he’d still do a better announcing job than Cole, even if it was only in grunts. The man is a genius.
Yeah, I’d take Stephen Hawking robot voice Heenan on his own (Or with JR, that’d be decent, too) over Lawler and Cole.
So…the whole purpose of DiBiase, Hillbilly Jim, Pat Patterson, and Dusty Rhodes was to stand backstage and watch a monitor? Uggggghhhh.
Duggan looks great! /yikes
Best: Hacksaw’s “confused dad at the gym” wrestling bathing suit
Oh yay. Guy who chants “U!S!A!” vs disrespectful Mexicans.
Remember when this guy was Fake Sin Cara?
Remember REAL Sin Cara?
Yeah, me neither.
I remember his t-shirt with the penis on it!
Remember when Camacho was World Champion?
Just kidding, Camacho isn’t even a real person.
/this should have gone here >:(
I still loled.
But he’s got a three-point plan to fix everything! Even though everyone’s shit’s emotional right now.
Oh man, that one guy with his fist in the air for Sgt. Slaughter is totally a best.
I remember Sgt. Slaughter getting mad at young Shawn Michael’s a lot but not much else
This is racessssss….
This is going to be my main event. I know there is another match but I hate Sheamus! I would rather watch John Cena for two hours rather than watch that overrated guy.
I misheard Johnny at the beginning of the show. I’ve been under the impression that Sheamus was being forced to wrestle Mean Gene in the main event. I was looking forward to violence against the elderly.
Remember when Camacho was World Champion?
Just kidding, Camacho isn’t even a real person.
I loled.
oops, posted this in the wrong spot
This show is terrible.
When did Sgt. Slaughter become a Weeble Wobble?
I appreciate Cole shitting all over the gimmick for this entire night. On Sarge: “here comes backup… from World War I.” On Hacksaw and Sarge: “This should be a silent movie.” Etc. I approve.
+Rhodes
Well, at least we get Cody Rhodes.
This is going to have a Dusty Finish, isn’t it?
Yup.
yep, and here it comes.
What does Tony Atlas frowning sound like? I’m guessing Saba Simba’s theme song.
Aim higher Cody!
+RHODES
Screw the IC Belt. Rhodes for the World Heavyweight Championship!
I hope Big Show comes out to interrupt Dusty and Cody, and they gang up on him. Everybody falls for that trap.
Dusty looks just like he did in 1989! Bad.
Sweet Sapphire looks better than he does right now.
And she’s dead.
Dusty could stand to take a few -Rhodes’
Agreed. +/- Rhodes
Dear WWE…when Sheamus pays his fine, hire the Miami crowd to follow you around.
You just know that Teddy Long is backstage just aching to run out and declare this a Lisp-off match.
Now if Goldust shows up SmackDown! will have been saved.
The most monumental +RHODES ever.
A Rhodes Family Beat down would get the biggest +Rhodes
Cody is getting dragged to the level of this shit… -Rhodes.
Who’s ready to be incepted!?
This isn’t embarrassing. He really did that shit.
I was wondering when the Dashing Home Tips vault would be opened.
Dusty’s like… yeah that was pretty gay.
How is that embarrassing? That got him over.
And did Big Show just mix in Teddy Long with his Dusty impression? What the fuck was that about?
IT’S GON BE A TAG TEAM MATCH, IF YOU WEEEEEEEL PLAYA
Fuck this crowd!!! They did not cheer until Show smiles and waves. “oh guys…he just smiled, that’s the end..yeaaaaa!”
Is it possible to Bitch Slap an entire crowd?
Dusty: “You think that’s gay? You should see my other son.”
+1 for the thread this will never be recapped on
+1 indeed
Damn a Rhodes segment had so much potential what happened? Well besides nothing..
It took a Big Show.
agreed.
needed more direwolves
Did someone miss their cue…?
Man, Brandon is going to be PISSED when he sees what we’ve done to the Best/Worst comments section.
We Big Showed all over it.
Hey Big Show, I’ll call your Dashing and raise you some Burrito with extra Latino Heat.
[www.youtube.com]
[www.youtube.com]
Hey Big Show, I’ll call your Dashing and raise you some Latino Heat!
InCenarator – the car built for Cena.
Wasn’t Abraham Washington backstage watching the Mark Henry match on TV?
So, help a guy out who tuned in late… what happened to Del Rio’s title shot? Just hanging in the air?
I missed the first half hour too, but didn’t they say on Raw that he won a “future title opportunity”?
Meaning the writers forgot about Daniel Bryan’s rematch clause and had to write themselves out of a hole.
Rhodes, Bryan, Del Rio and Mean Gene. I’m ending this SmackDown! on a happy note.
Is anyone else REALLY NOT OKAY with Gene Okerlund coming out to what seems to be the Pat Boone version of “Tutti Frutti”?
I believe that was Mean Gene himself on vocals.
Oh! That makes more sense. I will google that sometime.
If that would have been Pat Boone I would have written fucking letters.
Oh okay there is Gene Okerlund singing “Tutti Frutti.” I’m not sure if I should feel racist?
SMDH
Flashbacks… Post-Traumatic WrestleMania Disorder…
This is seriously the fucking worst. I can not believe this is happening.
Plus fucking one.
Will they start dancing in a chorus line like the divas did in Vegas?
Killlllllllllllllllllllll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
That was really awkward.
Why am I still watching this?
Nexus: The Original Series
So cowboy Bob and Randy died or what?
Yes, until they were taken to a better hospital where their condition was upgraded to alive.
It was Smithers, screw the damning Kane evidence
BREAKING NEWS: Randy Orton and Cowboy Bob Orton have been downgraded. After a traumatic turn for the worst, the Local Medical Facility pronounced them to be Zack Ryder and Zack Ryder’s Dad, respectively. They remain in (are you) serious (bro) condition.
I hate wrestling.
You know who would have that flaming poop more enjoyable? Brawler…
He could’ve gotten in to a comedic argument with Sheamus backstage.
Brawler: “I’ll fight anyone!”
Sheamus: “No, OYL FOIGHT ‘IM!”
Brawler: “No, I’LL fight him!”
Sheamus: “No way, fella, OYM FOIGHTIN’ ‘IM.”
This would’ve continued for the next 40 minutes, and the show would’ve been better for it.
Some of Smackdown was pretty okay, and the Rhodeses were great although there had better be a damn good reason Goldust didn’t show up.
That was a pretty poor episode of Smackdown. Take away Raw’s opening brawl and tonight’s Piper’s Pit and I wouldn’t have minded skipping this week’s WWE programming.
Kind of wish I watched Smackdown live just so I could have joined in on the chat.
No, not “kind of,” it’s a definitely wish I watched.
You and me both brother. I’ve been cracking up for the last half hour
Hunico needs a uniCiclope
@Brandon
You see Smackdown last week?! AJ’s single. Single, bra. Dumped by Bryanson. Future endeavor Destiny, immediately. She’d understand.
“Best: They got YES!YES!YES! shirts in stock! No women’s sizes (sorry BookSavvy & MrsTHESTINGER) but they got them!”
Probably because he’s a misogynistic asshole who is still angry about his stunted height and splotchy skin. But dammit if he doesn’t kick hard.
WHERE THE F*CK WAS ABRAHAM WASHINGTON?
Its like United States of F*cking America without Barack Obama. Every show needs a smart black guy in a suit teaming up with another a angry black man in tights.
Wasn’t he watching Mark Henry on a TV in the back? Or did I just imagine that? D:
CM Punk should just put on some otunga harvard baby oil next time. Its obvious Jericho likes it wet.
I thought Raw was OK. I felt most of the segments went on 2 or 3 minutes longer than they needed. B Stro, I hope you’re right and Henry becomes the Transitional champion. He’s such a good angry black man (which is funny, because I hear he is a teddy bear in real life). Actually, I think Washington would be wasted on Henry. Henry can work the mic enough to have the people buy into what he’s saying.
I’m also giving a worse to McMahon and/HHH for their shitty booking. Who ever thought it’d be a great idea to follow up last weeks raw with the Three stooges impersonators should get shit canned/lose the rights to run the company. Terrible decision.
A huge worst: They said Punk’s title is the most prestigious title in the world. It’s not the first time they said this statement. They essentially are killing Sheamus’ title’s significance. If that’s not bad enough, the WWE has done a wonderful job of minimizing Punk’s importance by having him not be in the last match of a PPV card (which wil happen at extreme rules). So, is there any point to have a title belt anymore?
Good review as per usual, Brandon
Has there ever been a black WWE World Champion? Will Henry be the first? I kind of hope he wins it and can hold on to it for a while; if he is the first (even if it’s first in a long time), I’d like to see a solid reign and not end it quickly within a few weeks.
The Rock, if you count him. Also, if you’re including the World Heavyweight Title, you can add Booker T and Mark Henry to that list.
It’s a posthumous dig at WCW, since the WHT is basically the “Big Gold” old NWA belt.
I’m happy to say I was unable to watch this as I was attending CHILDISH GAMBINO in concert. I do believe I get ALL THE RHODES!!!
Your dick is like an accent mark, it’s all about the ovaries?
Great work, as always. So many +Rhodes, you are the Colossus of Rhodes.
For goodness sake will someone please confirm to if that was indeed Hugh Morris in the tan suit breaking up the brawl? Look at the still shot of the video Brandon posted. I mean that’s him,right?
I just watched the Cena/JBL match. Wow, how weird is it to see all the fans united in support of Cena.? My, how things have changed.
1 Lord Tensai sucked then and sucks now. Even if he did dominate is totes awesome Japan. I get that the only thing important in Japan is “fighting spirit” or whatever but here you should at least be able to talk a little. They even gave him a little silent Japanese man. HOW entertaining! 2 Smackdown was really bad. Ryback’s insane smasher “FEED. ME. MORE!” was nice though
I’m pretty sure I’m just gonna start fast forwarding everything on my DVR that isn’t Daniel Bryan and Big Johnny. And Brock Lesnar till they start screwing that up.
I totally love Big Johnny’s new entrance music. It’s AMAZING.
Didn’t get to watch SmackDown last night, and since the thread appears to have gone that way, I figured this is a good place to ask:
The SmackDown open thread on Fark said that it was painfully obvious at points that “YES” chants (as well as “SI” chants) were getting muted or something played over top of them, and that the same was true for “DANIEL BRYAN” chants.
Can anybody confirm?
They were definitely editing them out last week… I think last night was just a shitty crowd.
Its basically a show for kids…so dont complain about the Stooges.
I’m sorry maybe I missed it, but it seems that you’re ignoring that Brock Lesnar is getting titty fucked by a sword tatoo. How do you write a paragraph about how much of an asshole he is but leave that out?
So Miz’s dad told him about Hogan-Andre, and not Savage/Steamboat? Explains a bit there.
Re: The section about reactions to heels…
You know what? I’m probably one of few internet-savy fans who’ll say this, but I can’t cheer heels. If I find something deplorable in real life, I can’t root for a fictional character to do such a thing even in a fictional setting. I can recognize that they’re good at what they’re doing, and I can claim them as being high on my favorite wrestlers list(s), but I can’t applaud what their characters’ actions.
Similarly, I recognize Heath Ledger as a great actor when he plays the Joker, but I can’t cheer for the Joker blowing up a hospital. I consider the character of Adrian Veidt a well-written one, but I can’t applaud his killing of a million people with a giant, psychic, mutated squid thing. Okay, I guess that example’s a little more ambiguous, but still.
All right, I’m done.
Did anyone make a Will Sasso wrestling in WCW because he and Bret Hart got into a totally for reals fight on Mad TV, and then his cast member hit him with a chair and started shouting “That’s right I sold out!” for no reason reference?
If not, pretend this was a funny one.
Well one of the top 10 comments was a reply to me. Good enough, I guess.