Best: Brock Lesnar As The One Legitimate Asshole In Pro Wrestling
Usually I like wrestling performers and hate what happens to them on screen. That’s the opposite with Brock Lesnar — I think he’s an awful person but I LOVE how awful a person he is on television. Where I might give someone like CM Punk sh*t for being racist or misogynistic on the shows because I know he’s capable of better, I laugh my ass off at Brock in a sombrero dancing around in circles because he is actually that guy. He is actually a total asshole.
He’s the one guy in the industry I know for a fact is exactly like this in real life. I like that he isn’t particularly eloquent … he just says he’s a WAR MACHINE, an ASS KICKER, and he does it in that yokel Midwestern country voice that lets you know if not for a rudimentary college education he’d be off somewhere traipsing through the woods trying to punch a deer to death in the ribs. He’s a high school bully given gamma radiation powers by whatever people eat in rural South Dakota so he’s gigantic and unstoppable (save for the gut disease) so he feels no remorse and won’t stop trying to bully you.
He’s the guy who gets a series of dream jobs and just bails on them for no reason because he’s bored. He’s the guy who puts skulls and guts on one side of his shirt and a Jimmy John’s logo on the other. He’s that guy and holy sh*t is he fantastic. “JYASH, AHMMA WAR MACHINE.” Yeah you are!
Best: Alberto Del Rio Wiping His Nose With Zack Ryder, Literally And Figuratively
Zack Ryder versus Alberto Del Rio lasted about a minute-35, which is about a minute-34 longer than it should’ve. One is the dumbest fictional person in pro wrestling (we’re talking “Sting in his prime” levels of dumb here), the other is lucha royalty. I am so f**king pleased as punch to have Alberto Del Rio back in my life, and this animated gif of him wiping his nose with Zack Ryder’s stupid Phoenix Suns merchandise is a fantastic illustration of why.
Don’t ever leave me again, Berto.
Worst: Stay Out Of My Wrestling, Will Sasso
All right, so, the Three Stooges again.
The segment gets a “Worst” because it’s F-grade celebrities pretending to be shoot comedy icons on my wrestling show when wrestling should be happening, and unless you’re bulletproof like Bob Barker or Kermit Frog you can’t just waltz out onto Raw with this bullsh*t and expect me to enjoy it. The crowd booed them incessantly, and they deserved it.
THAT being said, they didn’t do that bad of a job. Weird, right? Their Stooges impressions are pretty good, even if they aren’t doing them for the right reasons, and Sasso’s Hulk Hogan impression in particular was awesome. He had the arm motions down and made sure to work in “dude” as much as “brother”, which most people forget. He was funny and funny looking and deserves some praise for the effort, regardless of whether or not wrestling fans are okay having paid like 150 dollars to sit through commercial breaks and be set upon by Stooges in-between.
Kane chokeslamming Sasso was also welcomed, as “Kane chokeslamming X” is always great as long as X =/= a wrestler. The biggest point of interest here is that Sasso was on an episode of Nitro a long time ago that apparently everyone remembers, so if you haven’t seen that, click the link. I guess if you’re gonna bring back Brock Lesnar, you might as well bring back Will Sasso, too.
I’m just sad Senor Bag Of Crap never showed up.
Best: This Inappropriate Ponytail Theater Video Package
That’s some good video package.
It made a 40-minute cage-without-the-cage WCW Weapons match look, sound and feel like the best and most important match in WWE history, and while I’m not the first to say it, the guys in charge of making WWE’s hype videos are the best people at what they do in the wrestling business. Maybe any business.
Pretty sad Cody didn’t record his parts in character, though. I want to see him sniffing and making raptor faces because nnnnnnobody, mm ha ha, is assss dashingggg.