Best: More Daniel Bryan Matches Please

Kofi Kingston versus Daniel Bryan was as good as a Kofi Kingston match can be, I think. Bryan is a better opponent for Kofi than his blood rival Dolph Ziggler because Dolph, despite being #heel, is a largely defensive wrestler. He shines when he’s countering something or being forced into perpetual motion by a suplex or whatever. Kofi’s offense is terrible, so when he does the Steamboat chop and Ziggler sells it by falling down and rolling around, it’s hard to buy. Conversely, Daniel Bryan shines offensively, so he allows Kofi to relax with the bullsh*t dropkicks and leapfrogs and concentrate on huddling in the corner with his arm across his chest making sad faces. When Kofi gets in a few moves, Bryan makes them look like they might hurt, and that works for Kofi in tiny, tiny doses.

Of course, Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler make better opponents for each other because their styles overlap perfectly with one another and neither of the is Kofi Kingston.

Worst: F**k Sheamus

Sheamus is the worst. If I was in charge, here’s how I’d book him: Sheamus would run out with his big necklace on and try to Brogue Kick the invisible guy sitting on the bridge railing and end up tumbling down into the water, where he is washed away by the sea and we never have to see him again. F**k Sheamus.

I get that we’re in Europe and everything, but there’s no reason for Sheamus to be on my show when William Regal and Alberto Del Rio aren’t. If Daniel Bryan beats Sheamus in two straight falls at Extreme Rules, it will earn Sheamus back 1% of the love I had for him 19 seconds before WrestleMania started.

This is my positive commentary about Sheamus. I urge you to keep me positive so I don’t have to copy and paste in those 15 paragraphs I wrote about me spitting on my hand and trying to rip out his heart.

Best/Worst: Jerry Lawler And Michael Cole Are The Same Guy

The Best here comes from Jerry Lawler’s response to Daniel Bryan’s catchphrase, which almost always sets him up for a lay-up statutory rape joke. “I normally like to HEAR yes!” when I pick her up from school, etc.

The Worst comes from Michael Cole blindly supporting Daniel Bryan while Jerry Lawler dismisses every one of his accomplishments with “he’s an idiot!”, as if they don’t remember the last 6-18 months of having that argument in reverse. If they want to go that way with it, why not have Cole be all “sorry Jerry, I see what you’ve been saying about Bryan” and have King respond with “no no no, YOU were right, he’s a jerk!” and then argue about it, or better yet be best friends who will never end up wrestling each other again.

david-otunga-john-laurinaitis-eve

Best: Did John Laurinaitis And David Otunga Just Tag Team Eve?

I don’t want to be that guy, especially in the wake of HoeskiGate, but I’ve got to be honest — when John Laurinaitis ushered Eve into his office with a “great idea” and sorta nod-nudged Otunga to join them, my first thought was … well, let me put it this way. If I was fantasy booking it, a year or two from now Zack Ryder would be nervously questioning her about it at a hockey game and she’d just blurt it out.

And then he’d approach John Cena about it later, and Cena would respond with “Holy f**king sh*t! Finger Cuffs? You’re dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch?” and then Kane would show up and the whole thing would get really juvenile and wordy.

Additional Best, Just Because: John Laurinaitis’ New Theme Music

F**k. Yes. It sounds like it should be in the trailer for Dinosaur.