Best: Brock Lesnar Is My Favorite Wrestler
I’m loving the return of Brock Lesnar for two major reasons:
1. Brock Lesnar is (or at least seems like) a shoot awful person, so when he shows up on Raw and chooses to kick John Cena in the gonads from behind when he’s bigger and stronger than Cena and could beat him up straight up, that is pro wrestling sh*thead excellence.
2. Brock Lesnar’s return is just like the Rock’s, but the way I want it to happen. The Rock showed back up after a long hiatus to “host” WrestleMania, taking 20 minutes to do his catchphrases and effectively bumping a Daniel Bryan/Sheamus match off the card. That led to a year of Rock and John Cena slyly insulting each other on Twitter like they were flirting third graders, which culminated in five weeks of musical performances and name-calling. It was all very juvenile, and the most violent thing that happened was Miz being Rock Bottomed into that hole Ozzie Smith died in on The Simpsons and never being heard from again.
In contrast, Brock Lesnar’s return has been nothing but violent attacks and out-and-out threats. The reason I didn’t like The Rock’s staredowns is because I wanted him to respond to Cena by busting his lip. The reason I didn’t like The Rock calling Cena a “kung pao bitch” (besides the fact that it was f**king babytalk and didn’t make sense) is because I wanted him to say “I’M GOING TO HURT YOU” and mean it, and possibly to add “you have piss running down your leg” and “you sh*t in your pants” as chasers.
The Brock Lesnar video package above is glorious, because it shows you all the ways Brock can kill a man (other than “giving him diverticulitis”), shows Brock BEING legitimate instead of telling you how legitimate he is and allowing Brock a taped, MMA-style interview segment where he can say his farmboy Satan sh*t without having to stumble over a live microphone. Just a huge win all the way around. I want to see Brock kill everyone, and at least one more instance of him F-5ing a shark.
(Look for Little Jimmy at the 0:10 mark.)
Worst: These Two Are Not My Favorite Wrestlers
I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about Kane or Zack Ryder. Kane’s motivations have never made sense, and Zack Ryder, from that one show where he tagged with Punk and Bryan until now, has been the worst and most pathetic character in modern WWE history.
I’m happy they kept it short, and crammed everything into one two minute segment. Bob Orton had the hardest time ever with f**king Mr. T, he should consider staying the hell away from 7-foot guys with supernatural powers.
Best: Daniel Bryan Responds To Cockblocking With Literal Blocking
I don’t write about Smackdown for a variety of reasons, but you would’ve thought a Piper’s Pit segment featuring three of my favorite people (Daniel Bryan, A.J. and Rowdy Roddy Piper) would’ve been a can’t-miss Best. Well, without getting too far into it it was my least favorite segment in a while, mostly because of how A.J. was treated like a disobedient puppy (by both guys) and because of how Piper called her “little lady” so many times I started picturing him as John Wayne in The Searchers. Maybe A.J. doesn’t want to be saved, old man.
Anyway, they made that up quickly with Monday’s backstage segment, wherein Kofi Kingston remembers that A.J. hooked up with Jay Lethal for a while so he figures he’s got a shot until Daniel Bryan swoops in with his Pizza Hut font YES~ shirt and screams YES in his face until he leaves. I don’t know what I like more, the fact that Bryan stepped back and forth mid-Yesses to keep Kofi from leaving the hall or the fact that when Kofi left, Bryan turned in the general direction of the camera and kept going for nobody.
Best: The YES! Lock
The LeBell Lock being officially renamed “THE YES LOCK” is a fantastic call, in that it helps reign in the random YES! chants, gives everyone who wants to chant it a great moment to wait for and because I’m tired of remembering how to spell and properly capitalize Gene LeBell’s name.
Kofi should follow Bryan’s example and change the name of the Trouble In Paradise he sets up by standing in the corner clapping his hands and making us chant boom to the “I’m Never Going To Hit This Kick”. Or the “no” kick, whatever.
Worst: I Was Really Looking Forward To Ziggler Vs. Funkasaurus
You know a match is going to be disappointing when the YouTube upload is under two minutes and starts before the bell rings.
I am an unapologetic Dolph Ziggler fanboy and despite all the Stepping and Fetching Of It that happened at WrestleMania I can still appreciate a Funkasaurus, so I was looking forward to this match happening, and appropriately disappointed when it turned into Kane/Ryder II. I like that they’re giving Brodus Clay a chance to wrestle guys who can give him a good fight, but they’ve got to be brave enough to actually let it happen.
Also, Jack Swagger needs to be a little more trusting with his interference attempts. Ziggler was near the ropes and had been hit with one move, he’s a championship-level performer, there’s a good chance he’ll move out of the way or at least put his f**king foot on the rope. Funkasaurus isn’t a ring general, he’s not gonna drag Ziggler back to the middle and lock on a Stretch Plum, he’s the f**king Funkasaurus, he’s going to try a splash and hit his face on the ropes. Let it happen.
Best: Cameron No-Selling Injury Because It’s Time To Dance
I’m pretty tired of the Funkasaurus dance routine happening before AND after the match, especially when he just won a 40 second match by DQ and one of his Funkettes was just slaughtered on the arena floor, but whatever, here we are.
The Best comes from two places:
1. Vickie Guerrero avoiding an attack from the Funkettes by putting her foot in Cameron’s face and just shoving her funky ass to the ground. The instantly cut back to Vickie, who laughs her ass off. Vickie’s maniacal laugh is one of my favorite under-appreciated catchphrases, right behind Johnny Curtis getting weird. I guess nothing that dangerous happened during Melina versus Alicia Fox, huh Cameron?
2. Funkasaurus wins the match and Naomi just goes into the ring like nothing happened, so they start dancing and they kinda look over to where Cameron’s supposed to be. So Cameron, who I remind you just got kicked to the ground, struts into the ring like she’s been checking her e-mail for the last ten minutes and does a bunch of splits like nothing happened. Teach these guys how to call an audible, coach.