Worst: The Worst Thing You Have Ever Seen In Your F**king Life, Presented By Doritos Locos
And that leads us to our last page of the report, wherein all that positivity I tried to learn from Jeff and Jeff and the goodwill of laughing about pro wrestling for three hours with comedians and friends comes crashing the hell down because holy motherf**king sh*t the Funkasaurus is dancing with Hornswoggle and Hornswoggle is wearing a singlet and oh my god his legs looked like raw chicken wings and jesus christ he looks like a dick in a fruit roll-up and f**k me they’re destroying dolph ziggler and jack swagger
I’m sorry. I don’t want to be that guy who watches wrestling just to complain about it but WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. Two good things happened:
1. The Funkettes being renamed “Funkadactyls”, which is pretty funny
2. Vickie Guerrero’s Funkasaurus dance
Other than that, it was an entire commercial break of a fat guy dancing with a dwarf, approximately 30 seconds of simulated pro wrestling and then another minute and a half of dancing. I don’t know what to do. This makes me want to watch Impact, and I am not the kind of man who just says that.
Worst: In Case You Missed It Earlier And Last Week, Here’s The Brock Lesnar Interview Video In Its Entirety
Worst: AND UP NEXT
OH COME ON
Worst: So We Waited Three Hours And 15 Minutes For This, Then
They beat me down. I can’t handle these three hour Raws.
I was at least looking forward to John Laurinaitis and Brock Lesnar sorta interacting with each other on the mic, but all we got was a vast expanse of Brock discussing contract specifics with Day 1 Trish Stratus charisma and Laurinaitis just kinda glaring at him until Cena wandered out AND DID NOTHING. He held a chain and looked extremely sad and green.
That’s the segment in a nutshell, but it took them 20 minutes. It wasn’t fun. Hopefully this was to establish that Lesnar is a “real life” asskicker and not a performer, so he didn’t show up to Raw with a bunch of jokes and catchphrases to entertain you, he came here to get what he wants and he doesn’t give a sh*t about you or your fake wrestling show. That’s good. That’s a good place to go with it, but like the Punk sobriety test before it it just really didn’t need to take so long. It felt like I’d accidentally hit the pause button on my remote 10,000 times and was watching a two-hour Raw frame by frame. All that was accomplished was a feeling of malaise, and me wanting to see Extreme Rules a little less.
But … in the spirit of positivity, I like John Cena getting a little character depth, especially when it doesn’t involve him saying he’ll FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT something. I like that the contract signing was more or less an actual contract signing. I like that Cena has a legit reason to need to beat Brock, and I like that the WWE universe now has a reason to hate Brock, not just “he’s beating up the guy we also don’t like”. And hey, all in all I love that there were more prop-related segments in-ring than matches.
Wait, sorry, I f**king hate that.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
What was the gift Punk? Was it deez nutz in yo face? -Josh Matthews, Ace Reporter.
I kept hitting what I thought was the “dislike” button during that contract signing, but it turns out that was just the power button for my tv.
Change 15: Lord Tensai’s skull tattoos must read: “Jimmy John’s” in Japanese.
Space Monkey Mafia
Ladies and gentlemen…Inappropriate Crewcut Theater
Change #11: When I win the WWE Championship, I want the design to be changed–not to a new belt, but of Zach Gowen’s prosthetic leg.
Philip Rosenbaum, speaking the truth.
I’ve never wished so much that Cena would f**k somebody up.
1. More boobies!
2. More aminals like farm!
Vickie went to the Zach Morris school of conflict resolution.
Eating Taco Bell makes you Live Menos, not Mas.
Dear WWE, if I wanted to watch something three hours long and featuring a midget, I’d watch the most recent Game of Thrones three times in a row.
See you next week, unless next week is three hours, in which case f**k you and goodbye.