Best: Brock Lesnar Emasculating Josh Mathews

Monday night was a bad night for Lesnar, but he was still responsible for my favorite moment on the show — responding threateningly to Josh Mathews’ standard line of asshole questioning, then running back and tossing him through some sh*t for running his mouth.

This is how more people need to react to Josh. His only speeds (at least when he’s backstage with a microphone) are “smarmy” and “wistfully staring off into the distance”, and both deserve physical injury. I loved how the medical team tried to help Josh by strapping him down with every strap they had, as though bumping into a freestanding aluminum panel has broken every bone in his body. They were just lying straps on him at one point, not even strapping them to anything.

Lesnar got to look good for about a minute of a three hour program, and Dead Josh can join the ranks of other Misfit Tough Enough personalities like Rehab Maven, Concussed Chris Harvard, Blind Nidia and Silent Rage Andy Leavine.

Worst: The Unbearable 45 Minute Punk/Jericho Thing We Figured Out Two Seconds Into The First Backstage Segment

Woof.

All right, the big problems here are that 1) we know CM Punk isn’t going to start drinking, especially after the light prodding of Chris Jericho, 2) Chris Jericho can’t possibly be stupid enough to believe CM Punk spent the first hour of the show drinking plastic cups full of whiskey and is now totally wasted you guys, 3) “facetious CM Punk” is the worst actor ever and we got that he was faking it backstage.

The other big problems here are 1) the ring being divided by a line a la I Love Lucy, and 2) the colossal logic gap of what’s happening. If CM Punk HAD been drinking … let’s assume for a moment that Jericho’s harsh words about his bastardhood drove him to drink and he’s been drinking all day … how did we get to the point where his drunkenness is handled by having the assistant to the General Manager bring him out into a wrestling ring in an arena full of people and instruct two policemen and the guy who hates Punk most to give him “field sobriety tests”?

First of all, they aren’t in a field, they’re in a building that sells alcohol. Secondly, they are players on a show where Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entire thing was drunk driving vehicles into a building, beating up everyone (including the women) and demanding beers be thrown to him until he was too drunk to stand up. One time he had a truck that was literally full of beer with a hose attached that he used to spray down his bosses and most of the crowd. Thirdly, when you take a sobriety test, is it standard procedure to have someone watching and yelling LOOK AT HIM HE’S DRUNK, HE’S SUPER DRUNK while you do it? Fourthly, have these f**king indy wrestler mall cops ever heard of a Breathalyzer? They should’ve had Teddy yell to the people in the crowd about how Punk was hepped up on goofballs.

I don’t know. I feel like “Punk pretends to be drunk but isn’t” as a segment has some worth, but not the epic length of worth it was given on Monday, and certainly not following three set-up segments that never went very far toward convincing us he’d badly Macho Man elbowed the wagon. It was stupid and tiresome to watch, and the “coolest and smartest and best wrestler ever CM Punk” we get in moments like these might be the worst character in WWE.

Best: WWE’s Idea Of How Cops Work

But no, I can never watch a HE’S ABOUT TO BE ARRESTED WWE moment without enjoying wrestling’s interpretation of policemen. They’re all 6’5, they all have long hair, they don’t know how jail or laws work and they’re okay standing calmly in the background until someone who is absolutely not their boss points and orders them to do something.

I preferred the more realistic, socially-accurate 1980s, when “WWF policeman” meant “fat redneck who handcuffs you to something and beats you with a stick”.

Best: The Bella Twins Make Great Foils (Get It)

The Bella Twins are about to be gone forever (according to Da Dirt Sheetz, their contracts are up on April 30), so let’s take a moment to admire them for dressing like this and making sure their Reynolds Wrap singlets show every single cranny and nook of their vaginas. Please teach Primo and Epico how to do Twin Magic on your way out, ladies.

Best: Beth Phoenix Is The Best Actress On The Roster, But More Importantly KHARMA

I’ll admit it: I bought the Beth Phoenix injury.

According to the only point of view that matters (Powell’s!):

Beth Phoenix’s ankle injury is not legitimate, according to a pair of sources. Rather, she was selling an ankle injury to set up dropping the Divas Championship to Nikki Bella.

As we were watching it, Chris put his hand over his microphone and asked me if she’d really gotten hurt. My response was, “yeah, that’s real, Beth Phoenix isn’t that good of an actress”. Well, like Natalie Portman before her Beth had at least ONE great acting performance in her, and bless her for breaking it out and giving us our only realistic scenario for a Bella Twins victory.

It goes without saying that I’m extremely goddamn excited for the return of Kharma, as transitioning the Claire’s Icing Title to Nikki Bella cleanly sets up that “IN A YEAR IMMA GETCHA FOR THAT THING YOU SAID ABOUT MY FATNESS AND MOTHERHOOD” thing the Bellas did with Kharma last year. The easy-going wrestling fan in me can’t wait to see The Twins get Natural Boob Busted and sent packing forever, and the awful fan in me is even more excited for Nikki’s Mean Girl interpretation of dead baby jokes.

Unrelated note: They should team up Hulk Hogan with Evan Bourne and call them “Stillbourne”.