As I most often point out as to avoid being called a hack – my feelings get hurt easy, y'all – I do not profess to be a sports expert, like ol' Dick Vitale up there. I'm simply a guy who has a big TV and 12 web browser windows open at all times to follow multiple games until smoke starts to spray out of my ears. And watching all of those games, I develop opinions that I like to share with all of you. I believe that Mufasa or Pumba called it the “Circle of Life.”
So my point is that there are people out there who might be flipping through channels tonight, and they'll be all like, “Hey, these guys are playing basketball, but I don't know a thing about them.” Even worse, you could be a dude on a date with a hot girl and she'll be like, “Why don't we go back to your place and watch NCAA Tournament basketball and maybe I'll take my shirt off if you know a lot about the games.” But you're all like, “Snap, I haven't watched anything.”
That's why I created this handy-dandy guide to enjoying the Sweet 16, and to keep with the time-honored tradition of UPROXX live-blogging, I'll be hanging out tonight to chat and make jokes about things that I notice. I invite you to join me, mainly because it's fun, but also because I'll be giving out free shirts at random to people who tell me why I'm wrong.
(Images via the AP and Getty.)
What you need to know about Syracuse: Success seemed improbable for the Orange this season, at least incredibly difficult to achieve, when it was revealed early in the season that assistant coach Bernie Fine was being accused by at least three men of molesting them when they were younger. Fine was ultimately fired after a recorded phone conversation revealed that his wife knew about his, um, preferences and behavior. Also, it was revealed that Fine's wife had sexual relations with multiple former Syracuse players. In all, the Fines are allegedly some f*cked up people.
But the Orange prevailed, finishing the regular season with a 31-2 record that helped 'Cuse grab a No. 1 seed in the tourney. And then more poop hit the fan, as the team's star and big man, Fab Melo, was suspended for the Dance for academic reasons. That's why a lot of people don't have the Orange making it past this round.
What you need to know about Wisconsin: Finishing the regular season with a 24-9 record, the Badgers were the fourth best team in a very strong Big Ten this year. To put it bluntly, Wisconsin is not a sexy team. The Badgers are the epitome of a disciplined, fundamentals-driven basketball team, which translates to most fans as BOOOOOOOOOORING.
The Badgers also aren't nearly as athletic as the Orange, but that doesn't mean they're doomed. They run some solid shooters who can pick apart a zone defense... if they're on.
Players to watch: For Syracuse, Scoop Jardine and Dion Waiters need to bring their A-game to dominate early and often. As for the Badgers, Jordan Taylor is the obvious choice, because the offensive star. But Ryan Evans needs to carry some of the burden, too. *sets down sports cliché guidebook*
Who should win: Wisconsin. With everything that Syracuse has been through, you'd think that they'll finally run out of gas, and this feels like the perfect game for it to happen.
Who will win: Syracuse. Have you watched them play? Even without Melo, they're more athletic than 99% of the teams out there.
What you need to know about Michigan State: As stated, the Big Ten is walking with a big bulge in this year's tournament, with four teams still alive in the Sweet 16. At the top of that small but powerful pile are the Spartans, who finished the regular season with a 27-7 record to grab their No. 1 seed in the Tournament.
Through all of the hours and hours of game film and breakdowns that I've watched (read: highlights on bar TVs), Michigan State just seems like the most unstoppable team remaining. I mean, it's college, so obviously any team can lose. But MSU seems like the team most likely to not screw it all up.
What you need to know about Louisville: In the Big Dance boner challenge, the Big East is also reigning supreme, as 25% of the remaining teams hail from the conference that is never going to look the same in a year. With a 10-8 conference record, Louisville was on the bottom rung of the Big East elite, but the Cardinals are still a 4 seed. That's pretty damn impressive.
Players to watch: For Michigan State, it's always about Draymond Green, who leads the team in scoring, rebounds and assists, and would look outstanding in an Orlando Magic jersey next season. For Louisville, it's center Georgui Dieng, who has to avoid being pummeled by MSU's big men down low. He also has a really fun name to say.
Who should win: Michigan State. They're just that good.
Who will win: Michigan State. But my gut tells me that this could be that left field upset game, and also that Bagel Bites are yummy.
What you need to know about Ohio State: Ohio State flew under my radar this season, as I've had casual conversations with my friends who like OSU (but never went there *sticks out tongue*) and they look at me like a koala bear is having sex with my face when I tell them that I don't know much about the Buckeyes.
Ignorance aside, I've done some homework and I'm aware enough to know that Jared Sullinger is pretty darn good. I think the key to this game – and I say this with only partial jest – is the ability to maintain composure and play smart basketball, because even though these teams haven't played in like 50 years, there's some sort of rivalry when it comes to declaring the best college hoops team in the state. If there really is a rivalry, Ohio State just needs to play smarter.
What you need to know about Cincinnati: At 26-10 (12-6), Cincinnati was the fifth best team in the Big East this season. I watched a lot of Bearcats basketball this season – for reasons we'll get to in a moment – and I became a fan when Cinci rattled off wins over Marquette, Villanova, Georgetown and Syracuse, before losing to Louisville in the Big East Championship Game. Even before those wins, the Bearcats lost to USF by 1, a game which ended a three-game winning streak.
Cinci is a team with huge potential, and the Bearcats can definitely do some damage against Ohio State. But they're very frustrating at times, between raw talent and sloppy mental mistakes.
Players to watch: For Ohio State, it's always Sullinger, but if Deshaun Thomas steps up, the Buckeyes will be golden. For Cincinnati, I love watching Yancy Gates. He's just a monster.
Who should win: Ohio State. This one is such a huge toss-up, but OSU has some advantages in size match-ups that could play out in its favor.
Who will win: Cincinnati. I've enjoyed the Bearcats too much, and I think they're more explosive. I'm probably wrong, though. (See: Picked Mizzou to win it all.)
What you need to know about Marquette: Things I know about the Golden Eagles off the top of my head – Dwyane Wade played there. I think. Oh well, I'm preaching to dummies here, so I don't need to be an expert. At 27-7 (14-4), Marquette was second to only Syracuse in the Big East this season. And yet that only earned the Eagles a No. 3 seed. I'm not sure how that works, but then again, I spent the two NCAA Tournament games that I actually covered following Rachel Nichols everywhere. (Not because I think she's hot, but because I was trying to get on TV. I was a very responsible journalist.)
Where was I? Ah yes, Marquette. I won't go as far as to call Marquette inconsistent, because you can't really be inconsistent when you're the second best team in your conference, but they just don't have the zazz and sparkle and zip zow zing of a powerhouse. Again, this isn't a scientific breakdown.
What you need to know about Florida: The Orlando Magic of the NCAA, the Gators have a tendency to live and die by the 3-pointer. If they can make them – and they made plenty this year – they're going to make Marquette look foolish. But if they don't, it's going to be ugly.
Players to watch: For Marquette, Darius Johnson-Odom and Jae Crowder are a twin nightmare, averaging more than 36 points a game together. For Florida, it's Kenny Boynton, but Erik Murphy is going to need to be imposing with some size to shut Crowder down.
Who should win: Marquette. The Eagles are just better.
Who will win: Florida. Call me bold, but having my bracket slaughtered early just has me loving the upsets.
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If I point out a reason why you’re wrong right now, do I get a free shirt?
Michigan State is one of four, not three, teams from the Big Ten still alive in the Sweet 16 (Michigan State, Ohio State, Indiana and Wisconsin). Now, admittedly, Indiana is playing Kentucky, and I don’t think they have a snowball’s chance in Hell…but still, for the time being, they’re alive.
Gadzooks. Maybe. I was rushed.
I always forget Indiana.
Indiana already beat KY this year
They did indeed. At Assembly Hall, where they beat Michigan State, and Ohio State, too. But it’s not happening tonight.
OK, if Kentucky wins, Man Getting Hit by Football gets a shirt. If Indiana wins, Stringer Bell gets a shirt.
Nice Burnsy!
That seems completely fair. Except that it makes me root for a John Calipari team…
Nobody should cheer for Calipari. Not even Kentucky fans.
Hence my dilemma: Free stuff, or schadenfreude. Fuck it, I’m cheering for Kentucky.
I’m hoping Steve Alford and Isiah Thomas show up and have a game of eligibility left
I won a shirt!
The only thing I hated about living in Ohio was Ohio State. I’m going to secretly root for them to lose.
I live near Cleveland and secretly root for them to lose as well. I didn’t go there so I have no real affinity for them. Most people root for them because they’re the only Ohio team that consistently wins. I root in silence though because a lot of my family went there and cheers for them.
Today I will cheer for them only because of thugfest between Xavier and Cincinnati earlier this year. I hope both of those punk teams lose this weekend.
This Michigan St / Louisville game is going to be tits on acid
Wanna know why I’m pulling for Syracuse? Because I just don’t like how Aaron Rodgers can up and bone Miss America whenever he wants.
What are the odds on her vag smelly like cheese?
That she’s not a couple deuces should be considered a modern miracle.
If I had put more time into this, I would have spent about 300 words emphasizing how wonderful I want Dion Waiters to be.
At least these Wisconsin fans always have this.
How has Comedy Central not brought this back? I mean, thank god they haven’t tried to rip it off with Mencia and Dunham talking, but I refuse to believe it would get bad ratings if they showed it once a week in a night slot. Hell, give me reruns.
The positive of not watching these games at a bar is now being able to make the case that I deserve a second TV. So someone donate blood and plasma and buy me a TV.
I was really hoping there was a with leather slush fund
For as much as I dislike Jim Boeheim, I love Jim Boeheim.
Not gonna lie, I expected this Michigan State game to be like 40-40 by now.
This game is pretty sloppy, but Louisville looks sharper.
I don’t know what the Spartans are doing, honestly. But Louisville’s going to stop hitting threes…I hope.
And speaking of free t-shirts, if you previously won one in the upset posts, they’re going out tomorrow. So go sit by your mailboxes and pout until they arrive.
So yeah, like I said, Louisville’s success depends on Dieng, but who the hell thought he’d be dropping 3s?
I wonder what the record is for the highest percentage of points scored on three pointers in an NCAA tournament game. Louisville’s at 90%.
Michigan State – give the ball to Draymond Green and get the fuck out of the way
I’ve commited to the Louisville game. Somebody tell me if I made a wrong turn.
I’m on it, too. It’s so sloppy but it’s on the verge of getting so much better.
The bar I’m at has 2 screens dedicated to hockey.
That’s only acceptable if it’s St. Louis Blues hockey, because they’re the best team in the NHL.
get out of canada asap
In truth, the coverage of the tournament blows in Canada. You guys totally take the worldwide leader for granted. TSN (the Canadian equivalent) blows.
Yeah but ESPN doesn’t carry the games. It’s CBS, TBS, TNT, and truTV.
I appreciate ESPN for vowing to not show NHL games. You know, even though I’m a huge Blues fan.
I could probably lose my citizenship for saying this but…there’s way too much hockey on Canadian TV…
Annnnnnnnnnnd Syracuse decided to soil some sheets.
Wisconsin is lights out right now. This is fun to watch.
This game is worth a few more beers
I don’t know if it was the NCAA or the networks who chose to use “Gold on the Ceiling” for commercial breaks, but someone deserves a hug.
The best commercial breaks of the tournament truTV ran. I had never watched that channel, I doubt many people do, so some of the commercials they ran explaining their channel were not only smart but funny as well.
Can we make Cuse and Wisconsin play a third half?
I’m heavily invested in Michigan State, I might go watch Community and come back to the game later
I’m pretty sure George Lucas is an assistant coach for Wisconsin.
Bo Ryan looks like a villainous wizard’s assistant.
PLEASE HAVE A GAME-WINNING SHOT, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!
Oh man, that’s a bad bad bad call.
Jesus, does Wisconsin realize they are the team that’s losing? They are just burning up clock.
Seriously, they look clueless.
And that was a bad bad bad foul.
Ooooooh
Fuck you Wisconsin. That is the best you can come up with having 15 seconds?
Big East 1 Big Ten 0
Louisville just looks mean.
Geez, Louisville is just plain nasty.
Tom Izzo you have five minutes to get your team together, or never show your face in Baltimore again. My ghost will haunt that ass.
And just like that, MSU wants to play defense again.
That Enterprise teamwork commercial would be so much better if it had notable college athletes who sucked as pros. “I’m JaMarcus Russell, please rent a car.”
Hurry up and lose MSU so I can watch Beal and pray the Cavs draft him.
Wow, what a put back.
Well, this one is over and sadly anticlimactic.
I think this about sums it up…
Where’s the fire?
WHERE’S MY FRIEND
Cinci is already in trouble. Being behind is not a good thing for them.
That sentences works pretty well for the actual city, too.
Lazy and down by 12 is no way to go through life, Bearcats.
Despite looking like Tobias’ date Michael in Arrested Development, Jae Crowder is an absolute beast.
Picturing Jae Crowder calling someone “Girl Michael” made me legitimately laugh out loud.
The Beal vs. Crowder match up is awesome.
Miller Time is about not knowing how to pitch a tent?
No matter what decade or which coach, the Florida Gators will always find a scrappy, tatted up white guy.
By the way, name of the year – Cashmere Wright. Slays me every time.
Cinci within 4, now we’re having some fun.
Lesley Visser’s face is shinier than the parquet floor.
Reminds me of a greased up Chris Jericho’s chest
That’s what happens when you face plant on concrete.
Pujols and LaRussa are sitting courtside at the Marquette game. I’d love to just walk up and give Pujols a dirty look.
That sure would show him.
What if he got upset and left? Who would drive LaRussa home?
LaRussa’s alcoholic fire breath could fly them anywhere their feelings won’t be hurt.
Bearcats tied it up! What a game.
Thad Matta is the king motivator of second half collapses.
Oh my, this is delicious.
/hates tOSU with a passion, despite attending said petri dish
Oh, balls.
CRUMBLING TO PIECES! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, THAD?
Coming back to TV this fall… Cashmere Mafia.
Hey look, Ohio State remembered they’re in the middle of a huge game.
Buford 4th foul is not good
Yeah but he’s not having a very good game so its not as big of a loss as usual. Let him collect his shit on the bench till crunch time.
Bob Ryan lives at the Garden. Because he’s homeless.
Damn, this one got out of hand quickly. Shouldn’t have blown all the turbo boost, Cinci.
Reason #8,153,211 to hate tOSU: Greg Paulus is on staff.
I’m flipping over to the Florida game. Let me know if Cincinnati starts throwing punches at the end again.