Worst: DANGER, Watch For Falling Careers
This match was half the length of the Eve/Alicia Fox match. Other than “frowny face emoticon”, I can’t think of a lot to say about it.
I think Miz would benefit most by being the Lex Luger of his time and jumping to TNA before his contract is up. He can convince Panda Express or Sugarbaker Designs or whoever’s in charge of the Impact checkbook to drop a ton of money on him and make him the most important person in company history, then spend three or four years there in the style of Christian Cage, getting super good in the ring and surrounding himself with enough ignorant, forgettable stories that he can waltz back into the E as a bad-ass 34-year old and average 3-6 aborted championship runs a year. Bonus points if he stops by WWFX briefly and Skull-crushingly Finales John Morrison into something solid.
Alternate plan: Freshen up, stupid.
Best: Cody Rhodes Is Killing It
If you didn’t laugh at Cody Rhodes’ embarrassing Big Show Wrestlemania moment being footage of him wandering around WWF New York like an unenthusiastic and nigh-abandoned idiot, you’re watching wrestling wrong.
AJ was so cute back then, wasn’t she?
Worst: This One Is Exclusively About Dick Jokes, I’m Fast Forwarding
Rock’s third (third!) video promo of the night pretty much begins and ends with him suggesting that John Hancock had a big dick because he had “cock” in his name, and if that isn’t reason enough for you to say “okay, maybe this is sh*tty and for babies” I don’t know what to tell you. He said he had a cock like John Hancock. He said he had a cock like John Hancock.
That’s somehow worse than when he mentioned he was 25% black, 25% Samoan and 50% “Clydesdale” because his dick is horse-sized. At least that was saved by the suggestion that Rock’s horse dick is more important to him than his racial heritage. This is just the word “cock”.
Best: R-Truth Notices The Fourth Wall
Sadly it didn’t make the cut in the WWE Fan Nation video, but R-Truth doing a picture-in-picture interview and having to stop in the middle because he realized he didn’t know who he was talking to was great. This is the kind of comedy WWE should be doing more of … character based stuff that is aware of its environment and embraces it instead of picking it apart.
Even more sadly, that was followed by a Kane vs. R-Truth match, which was more than four times the length of Miz vs. Big Show and exactly as bad as you’d imagine.
Worst: Randy Orton Is The Least Appropriate Person To Feud With Kane Now
Since his return, Kane has:
1. Forgotten about Mark Henry breaking his ankle in favor of bothering John Cena about his t-shirts
2. Spent two months trying to literally murder Zack Ryder and force Cena into accusatory love triangles in an effort to make John “embrace hate”, because he’ll need to be really hateful (?) if he stands a chance against the Rock, who Kane I guess hates for some unspecified reason, but probably for that time Rock said he had a burned-up John Hancock.
So what’s he doing now that Cena is directly involved with the Rock storyline and people who aren’t in feuds with each other can’t interact? Why, trying to force Randy Orton to … be welcomed back, or embrace hate or wear t-shirts or … something. It’s not really clear.
If he’s trying the same act with Orton that he did with Cena he’s an idiot, because Orton’s whole deal is that he hates EVERYTHING, including his Mormon stable of wives, and is willing to RKO Stacy Keibler or kick John Cena’s dad in the head to prove a point. Contextually, Randy Orton is WAY more evil than Kane. It’s the difference between Walter White and Tuco. Tuco might flip out over nothing and punch you to death, sure, but at least he’s got the decency to be forthright and crazy about it. Walter White is a f**king monster.
Recommendation: Make Kane’s reason for beating up Randy Orton be “Christian needs one more title shot”.
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this better be good, im missing quality mass effect 3 time to read about this business
I missed like five hours of my second Skyrim playthrough to write it, give me a break.
BUT ARE YOU A NORD GOOD SIR???
Poop.
pardon
dwayne johnson straight but curious about feathers
I really hate all the homophobic back-and-forth, but if Cena was like, “Rock, you’ve quite literally been offering to anally fist dudes for the last fifteen years, and I’m the gay one?”…that would be okay.
Been going through some rough times, lost two friends on consecutive days this past weekend. Thanks for making me laugh for the first time this week with Fallout references, Brandon.
Damn, I’m sorry. Glad to be of any help at all.
How can Jericho pin Punk if he wasn’t the legal man? Did he tag Bryan or did I just miss it?
If I got upset every time they lost control of legality or forgot to hold the tag ropes I’d have had a nervous breakdown years ago.
Glad I wasn’t the only one to notice this.
Sugarbaker Designs? Designing Women reference for the mother-lovin’ win.
lol Camacho indeed.
CamachLOL
The Game. Cerebral Assassin. THE OAK. HHH is everything to everyone.
John Cena. You have something that belongs to The Rock, and it happens to be NINETY SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS
“Peabody and Shermanic” I bow to you sir
It just occurred to me with this show, but ya know what the worst part of not having WCW is? When Hogan/Savage et al left town in the early 90′s, they were working for the competition, so Vince was like AND WE NEVER SPEAK OF THEM AGAIN, so the only stars were the current stars. They had no choice to put over Bret and Shawn and Nash and Hall and Undertaker and Yokozuna, because they couldn’t rely on “but maybe Hogan will do one show a year” to get people to turn their heads.
Now, literally everyone of substance under the age of, like, 58 is still at least tangentially related to WWE, so even though our regular cast of characters doesn’t contain the stale old guard, the stale old guard still shows up every other damn day. And when they do, they point out that they’re way more awesome than the current crop. So no one, least of all WWE, feels like they should give a shit about the Dolphs Ziggler and the CMs Punk, and we’re locked in a self-repeating cycle of obsolescence.
What I’m saying is that The Rock, HHH, HBK, Undertaker, Kevin Nash, Edge and John Cena should all go to TNA.
I’m VERY MUCHLY seconding Taker, HHH, HBK and Rock in that list of TNA should-bes. I can’t even comprehend the amount of backstage skullduggery that would come out of Trips and Shawn trying to undercut Hogan’s circle jerk with their own, slightly less geriatric circle jerk. And it goes without saying Nash should be back there … isn’t he already? (And I’m just tired of Taker and the Rock, it’d just be interesting to see how they’re booked over there)
If Undertaker goes to TNA than we can finally get STING v UNDERTAKER.
Fuck Wrestlemania, I want to see this shit at Bound For Victory Glory Road or whateverthefuck they call their PPVs*.
*I know what they call them. I make jokes and posture that I’m too good to know, but I know. I like TNA, but don’t want to feel like a loser for it :’(
I had almost the exact same thing dawn on me today. Three of the top five (w/ HBK) guys on the card would be in WCW if this were 1997. And Dolph Ziggler would be Shawn Michaels. We’re missing that!
Enjoyed the read, as always.
This was one of my least favorite episodes in a long time, but the open thread totally made it a great use of my time. The “source for intelligent discussion” thing is not flattery. It is fact.
Also, I publicly admit my shame in jumping off the Cody Rhodes bandwagon when he was doing his month of “I am in Texas. You are lazy illegal immigrants” promos. I should have had more faith. I hope there is still room.
I’m really happy with how the comments sections are filling out in these. Being associated with this deep community of hilarious motherfuckers who watch pro graps is the best part of my job.
this is the first time ive really paid attention to the comments after reading.. a shortened 6 page review might be why.
but i cant believe how fast these comments are filling up. seems im not the only one who eagerly awaits that tweet every tuesday
While gritting my teeth through the opening segment, it occurred to me – is Shawn Michaels slowly morphing into Jim Carrey’s “Fire Marshall Bill” character?
I know this is in no way related to the post, but I was in the open thread last night and it was one of the best times I’ve ever had watching wrestling. I wish I had done it sooner, you are all amazing.
And an honorary “+1″ goes to Mr. Stroud himself, for our shared love of Mary McDonald and Sarah Shahi.
The difference between your review and John Canton’s review is astounding. I couldn’t agree with you more and I could disagree with that other guy plenty. Also, this comment section is way funnier and full of more (dick?) jokes.
Great column as always.
My biggest problem with the Rock is that he seems to have completely lost his ability to ad-lib. When Cena was all “I think the crowd’s chanting Tooth Fairy…LOL!!!!”…Rock should’ve come back with something like “Yeah, I was in Tooth Fairy and it sucked, then I was in a bunch of other movies because I’m a MOVIE STAR. You, on the other hand, were in the The Marine and it sucked, then you went back to being a wrestler because that’s all you’ll ever be.” Instead, what we got was Rock pausing to allow his PromoBot 5000 to reboot and regurgitate the script he’d memorized 5 minutes ago. If the Rock would just let go and be himself this would be a much more entertaining feud.
Right. Any logical discourse could crush John Cena’s heart, he’s right under The Miz on the list of easiest to emotionally destroy wrestlers. Just five seconds of reasonable thought instead of “I’m gonna put stuff in your ass”.
Brandon’s Case in Point; Punk’s promo with Cena and Vince on the go-home RAW before MITB.
I really think the yearlong build to this sucked the air out of their ability to do stuff. It’s almost like they have to hold back to some extent because it’s been stretched out. They made the match, and should have SHUT UP about it until after Elimination Chamber, so “a year of pent-up rage” on both sides could’ve exploded.
I agree, Thad. Part of why I like Raw is the variable end time so you never know if something insane might happen at the very end. Knowing when a movie or a show will end can cut off some of the suspense since you’re aware of the schedule they need to keep.
We all knew the Cena / Kane feud was a placeholder feud and would go nowhere and be irrelevant. It didn’t need to be irrelevant (having Cena become an angry hate machine that would allow him to Super Saiyen so he could be The Rock-geta would have made it relevant) but whatever.
seancollierpgh touched on this some below, but there’s a weird divide with the older guys and the regulars. The Rock isn’t looking very good now that he’s trying to go toe-to-toe with Cena, nor is Jericho really doing anything, and the less said about Undertaker / HBK / HHH the best.
It almost feels like they’re bringing these guys back to ignore or otherwise bury. I couldn’t imagine a world where Cena could get traction against the Rock after Summer of Punk (ugh) but he’s doing it. Jericho had a really big build up and was great at trolling the audience and now he’s just another guy who comes out and wrestles no differently than Jack Swagger.
The WWE is managing to ignore its younger guys for older wrestlers who will only sporadically be there while making those older guys irrelevant or worse. I don’t get it.
Imagine how much time we would have to flesh out feuds and storylines involving the Intercontinental Championship or the United States Championship if Rock / Taker / HHH / HBK wasn’t there. There’s so much wasted potential now and it’s really worrying.
tl:dr – The WWE has the best roster of guys now than it ever has had at any point ever. Use them. Fuck The Rock. There’s nothing The Rock could say that I wouldn’t rather hear from Cody Rhodes.
No here really needs to reminded of this, but it’s cause the powers that be are still living between 1998-2003 but with the parameters of the PG Era. It’s incredibly frustrating on multiple levels, but you can’t help but not blame them for wanting to profit off the guys who made them lots of money even if they are sucking the wang on TV.
I think the Jericho thing stems from people over-estimating just how brilliant he is on the mic. Sure he’s fantastic, especially as an antagonist heel. But everyone assumes he can just come out and crush Punk and Punk would be all “DOYYYYY! I gotz owned!”. They just think Jericho is the original so he has to just hit home runs during every promo and suddenly the hugely talented talker in Punk would just turn into some bemused Eugene.
God that was horrible typing… *No one here really needs to be
Unfortunately we’re such a small sample of fans that appreciate the Attitude Era for what it was and are ready to move forward with the next wave of wrestlers or Superstars or whatever. Wrestling will most likely never peak as high as it did in the late 90′s however that is what makes them money. They’d rather go back to the well instead of allowing the Punks, Bryans, Rhodes and Zigglers of the world to be “the guys”.
I know WHY WWE is doing Rock-Cena. Like I said, I’ve talked to more non-wrestling fans about wrestling in the last couple weeks than I have at any time since I got back into this last summer.
I’ve noticed how many ’80s guys hung around into the Attitude Era as well (watching Hawk and Animal wrestle the New Age Outlaws is like that South Park where Cartman meets Bart Simpson), so it’s been more frequent than I realized, but yeah, there’s so many great guys that, at the very least, it’s inexcusable how they’ve handled the Intercontinental and U.S. titles.
Thanks for the shout-out, and YES. Go back and watch an episode of RAW from ’93 (I am obsessed with RAW from ’93) after Hogan’s departure and see how many different dudes get some legit attention. Now compare with last night. If you cut out all segments involving The Rock, HHH and HBK, you would have, what, an extra HOUR FIFTEEN? What fer ta make your other WM matches (Punk/Y2J, Bryan/Sheamus and Cody/Show) actually seem like more than afterthoughts, build something out of the GM kerfluffle, give the Divas some legitimate attention, HAVE A DAMN TAG DIVISION, etc etc etc?
That’s it, I’m going home.
::Slow Clap::
I love nostalgia as much as the next mark (my YouTube viewing habits are pretty much exclusively old Epic video packages and “X returns at Y event!”), but more than “Hey wasn’t that cool in 1999…” I’m looking forward to “Hey, wasn’t that cool in 2012!” because the current crop of midcarders (Punk and Brian are included in that, sadly, as their spots are pretty much always 3rd place in the importance… if not lower) are soooooo much better than Main Eventers of yesteryear. AS IT SHOULD BE. These are guys that grew up/cut their teeth on the Attitude Era, and their stuff SHOULD be better. It should encompass the spirit that worked then with a modern dynamic.
Brandon I look forward to this column every week, excellent job. Also, thank you for making me refresh my browser like a meth addict with OCD to see if it has been posted yet.
Me too!
Around the time when the two guys in the crowd were bored to death by Rock was about the same time when my mostly-Spanish-speaking-not-much-of-a-WWE-fan-but-happened-to-be-watching-Rock’s-promo-dad yelled out “Shut up Rock” and walked of. My dad’s awesome. His favorite wrestler is Del Rio :)
I socially networked so hard that you RT’d it.
Anyway, we were going to get food before Raw, and my friends were late, so we decided to watch the first segment then go at the commercial break. This was a comically ill-fated mistake because it meant we sat through all of HHH-HBK and then missed all of Santino’s win. I have to remind myself to just leave, seriously.
I DESPISE back-in-the-day rose-colored faux-nostalgia so much, but going through old 2000s PPVs I didn’t see, John Cena and Booker T had a BEST OF FIVE MATCHES run for the US Title. I think they’ve lost the focus a bit.
We tuned out that Rock shit so thoroughly that we were getting food during the first one and summarily muted the second and the third ones.
If Eve gets a little bit better at being a heel and/or wrestling, maybe someday I’ll actually be halfway okay with her being from Denver.
Nostalgia is such a huge, and wonderful, part of wrestling. I’m just afraid it’s becoming so all encompassing that it’s stopping us from actually advancing. We’re reaching early 20th century literature levels of referencing and homages that we really need some Cody Rhodes styled Dadaism to break us out.
Oh absolutely, and there’s no shame in marking out when someone you love returns. But once that initial excitement wears off, they have to actually do something worth being continually excited for.
What I despise is FAUX-nostalgia, which, as someone who watches old music videos and old wrestling matches on YouTube, kills me basically 24/7. Every music video, regardless of date, genre or quality, all the top comments are “REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD GREAT MUSIC NOW ALL WE HAVE IS JUSTIN BIEBER RUINING MUSIC WTF LOL”, which ignores both a) that there was teen pop then too, and b) there’s great music now that you’d like if you just actually bothered to look for it. That kind of stuff makes me rip my face off.
Justin Bieber and John Cena are victims, is what I’m saying.
I also “missed” the Divas match because I left the room briefly and came back to see Eve standing in the ring listening to Ryder spout catch phrases.
TNA had two full length quality Knockout matches in one show last week and this is what WWE puts out there? Yeesh….
I’m pretty sure this is the only blog site wherein wrestling will be somehow reviewed to include Rocky and Bullwinkle references. I couldn’t stop laughing. Excellent job as usual, Brandon.
STINGER didn’t get me the gif of the hot chick when the Rock said something about piss, so I went and rewatched the promo. She’s still hot. Hubba hubba.
OH SHIT!
Give me 5 minutes.
Which promo was it? One of the history lessons or in person?
It was the first one, right after he threw like the second thing into the harbor.
Not my type, but whatever.
[i.imgur.com]
Also, as a militant Marxist Feminist I won’t be in the habit of screencapping random women in the audience unless I also find them desirable.
Nah, you guys are my bros. Bros before random women who I can only assume are hoeskies. Amiright?
Her face is a bit weird in the pic, but I’m totes in lust.
One thing you didn’t mention was during Zack Ryder’s thing, when Eve came and made out with him and he got his big grin on afterwards. You can almost read it as Zack being a little boy who doesn’t really understand girls so when he heard his Big Brothers/Big Sisters assignee John Cena calling her a hoeski he just started blindly repeating it because he wants to be like his big bro, but he still wants girls to kiss him so he gladly accepted it. ZACK RYDER IS EVERYMAN, or at least, every socially-awkward teen/preteen WWE fan, and as such, quit slut-shaming, Zack Ryder is very impressionable.
very true.
also, the look on eve’s face in the quarter second that she was on screen after that kiss was hands down the best “acting” i’ve ever seen out of her.
my interest in wrestling has absolutely sky-rocketed as a result of this community. brandon, and everyone else here are just making it so much more fun to commit myself to such a silly program on a weekly basis.
can we get a gif of santino & friends’ victory celebration?
The gif you seek is at the link on the first page. I was also disappointed it didn’t make the column.. [hammerlockdialectic.tumblr.com]
I wanted to throw it in, but the cobra redirect gif was more important and I’d already crammed too much media into the bottom of that page.
ah my bad. thanks guys
The “Aksana does the trombone taunt” GIF would have been nearly as Besty as the “Aksana elbow drop” GIF.
I tried to find a good segment to capture that, JB, but I couldn’t find one that worked. Sorry :(
While perusing old videos last night, i found a vid of Kane doing the trombone, sans mask. I couldnt sleep after that.
Okay, FWIW, I’ve got some contrarian points to make here, not for the sake of being that way, but because I honestly believe them..
1. Do I want Rock to win? Yes, yes, I do. For a lot of reasons. A: Cena needs to be humanized. He has been to a point, and he has been on fire the past three weeks in his promo work, but I think his character needs to be shook, and a loss to the Rock at Mania would do it. From what we hear, Rock’s going to likely wrestle some more at Summerslam and/or next year’s Mania. If Rock wins, he can have a rematch with Cena at Summerslam with Cena winning, and they can use that in between to get Cena to question himself. I think injecting some self-doubt can help get Cena over a hell of a lot more with us adult fans a lot more than the Superman routine.
B: WWE makes people job a lot in their home places, and it’d be nice to see them NOT do that for once.
C: The Rock’s legacy. He’s beaten a lot of the biggest names in the business. Austin, HHH, Taker, Hogan. A win over Cena gives him major validation.
As far as my support goes, I like the Rock, I remember how much he made me laugh back when, and I’ve noticed week after week people getting more strident against him. His shtick is what it is, and right now, to some extent, it’s nostalgia. Some of the insults are juvenile, but that’s WHAT HE DOES. And the Yankee Doodle line even made my Cena-loving friend laugh out loud, because some of Rock’s shit IS funny. He does what he does. He’s being a character, and that character didn’t evolve a whole lot because it left for seven years, but he’s being his character. We here in the IWC have been pretty harsh on him/WWE, and Brandon’s right in terms of real-life implications (they’re bullying in script while joining with an anti-bullying group), when it comes down to it, THIS IS ALL FAKE. It’s supposed to be stupid & violent & any number of things. How many people here loved ECW back when? ECW was FAR WORSE than any of this when it came to things like misogyny, but people look back on it fondly. There’s humor in the threads, but honestly, I skipped out this week because everyone’s getting so serious and >=( about this.
My friends and I put in an old RAW from early 1999 and watched it, height of the Attitude Era, everyone was amazing, right? Wrong. That RAW was a lot more unwatchable than last night. We enjoyed last night’s better. Yeah, some things suck, some of the storylines are terrible, it’s terrible that talented people are being buried and secondary belts are worthless, but it’s gotten SO SERIOUS here, and it’s getting to be a downer. I came here because Brandon’s a damn good writer, and I agree with a good deal of what he says. I like a lot of the commenters, too, but the tone has gotten way too serious. It’s like an alternate-reality HHH promo in most of the thread now, people being so serious about THIS BUSINESS from a different standpoint.
Wrestling is what it is. It is a male-dominated industry. There is misogyny everywhere in it. From Karen Jarrett’s slut-shaming of Velvet Sky to the Eve promo to ECW’s stuff in the 90s to Macho Man’s shitty treatment of Elizabeth throughout the 80s to Flair’s promos/vignettes regarding women, it’s always been there. And we’ve all been fans because of it, despite it, whatever. The front row is regularly stocked with little kids there with their parents. Pro wrestling is fiction, fiction that’s often pretty stupid, gimmicky, soap opera-y, and yet entertaining to us, because why the hell would we watch if it wasn’t??
Sorry for running long, but I think this needed to be addressed.
You’re doing what I talked about in the column. Your reasons for wanting The Rock to win have nothing to do with what’s happening on the screen, and more to do with where they are and where they’re gonna go and what he used to do.
Some good points and some needlessly weird points.
But, yes, I’ll agree that wrestling is better now than it was back in the Attitude Era. People have become so nostalgic that it becomes impossible to just enjoy what’s going on now, even when it’s objectively better than 99% of the past.
I’m with you, I throw on the “Monday Night Wars” series that WWE has on the Classics on Demand and most of those old Raws are awful. With few exceptions anything outside of when Stone Cold is involved in the show is crap. Brawl-for-All is embarrassing to watch today. The Rock has basically stolen Val Venis’ shtick, except we don’t get Dick Togo.
I find myself enjoying the Nitro’s a lot better. That could just be the cruiserweight matches though.
I’m very much for positivity in wrestling fan-dom, which which why your point about the open comments thread puzzles me. It’s the most easy-going group of wrestling fans I’ve ever seen. Funny too.
I’m flattered that THESTINGER replied to this. Heh.
I wrote this all very stream of consciousness, so maybe it got a little off-track there. I really work better with a copy editor (former paid writer here).
And Brandon, before they spent a moment on-screen, I wanted Rock to win. And yes, you’re right, it doesn’t have to do with what’s on-screen, because this match is the only match where on-screen can only do so much to affect it, because it’s so much more than an on-screen feud. They’ve been EVERYWHERE with this for over a year.
I’ve been watching so many old matches that I think I should just watch a year of old Raws and start a blog chronicling every dumb stupid thing I find, just to remind people that yeah, Big Bossman dragged Big Show’s dad’s coffin away during the funeral while Big Show rode on it crying.
And saying something has always been stupid isn’t an excuse for them not to try and do better.
Lester, last night’s thread didn’t seem to be. It was a lot of “why haven’t I turned this off?” “This is terrible.” “I should’ve stopped watching after the first hour.” I scrolled through it today, thinking I would be sad at what I missed, and I wasn’t. For the first time since I started reading this a couple months ago, I thought there was a lack of humor throughout and I was disappointed by it.
98 – 99 Raw was horrible. For every Stone Cold and Rock, there was a Blue Meanie and whatever else Russo pulled out of his ass. For me, the best was around 2001: shortly after Stone Cold came back from injury. You had him, Rock, Triple H, Undertaker, Kurt Angle, and eventually Jericho and Benoit. They had TOO MANY guys who could run with the belt.
I forgot to post in the Open Discussion Thread last night, but my buddy @MichaelGWD made a hilarious joke about Swagger’s new haircut.
He called it “The Ken Cosgrove”
I’m a little stunned that there was no mention of the Kate Upton commercial. You’re usually all over that shit, Brandon.
Excellent as always. I still don’t feel bad for Miz in the slightest, but I think I would be among the people who’d be sad to see him go anywhere even if it meant an inevitable, awesome return.
Good write up of a very not so good episode, B-Stro. Also, all the top 10 comments were awesome.
Once again, I’m throwing this out there: If anyone in the Houston area would like to see Booker T’s indy promotion PWA (with whom I have NO connection to, so it ain’t like that) they are having a show this Saturday night. I plan on going. If you are interested, http://www.bookertpwa.com and hopefully you make it out to the show.
Because when you strip it all down…to the core…these Best & Worsts make RAW truly worth watching. That and the comment thread.
But yeah, as excited as I am for Wrestlemania, I’m not really looking forward to it. At least until they finally book Foley vs. Santino (Socko vs. Cobra) in a pinfall match. The Truth interview was phenomenal, and Miz’s career is slowly being flushed down the toilet. What a difference a year and #BootsToAsses make.
But by God, I’ma make that Top-10 comments section…
If it was a list of the Top-12 Comments you would have made it.
Seriously, you were funny last night.
AJ is killing me. I can’t watch matches when she’s out there, I just want the camera on her. Also nice job capping a shot of her with #BestInTheWorld below it.
I mentioned on Twitter that once again we need to remind everyone that Miz HEADLINED WRESTLEMANIA *WITH THE BELT* last year, and now he’s being used as a squash cog for a latent IC title feud. Maybe D-Bryan will lose the title at WM and then he and Miz can be the New New Rockers and Shawn Michaels can dress like Bobby The Brain Heenan.
The Kane thing sent us into hysterics, because we were trying to see who could come up with the most ridiculous shit for him to be doing. We wanted Rock to get a lorry cab and have Kane be in it and blow the streetlights out. We mused that Kane was coming back to destroy everyone to clear the way for he and X-Pac to rule the tag division, we decided Kane was working for a Higher Power that turned out to be Mr. Ass and he and Kane would come out to “Ass Man” with fire every week. It was glorious. (And yeah, love your Randy Orton as Walter White thing, which always makes it complicated how much children love him).
I felt the same way that you feel about AJ when I was watching the Oscars. “JUST KEEP THE CAMERA ON JESSICA CHASTAIN DAMMIT”
twitter handle?
Mine? @SchmanthonyP – Same picture and everything.
No bests for the “Sorkin 3:16″ sign?
I bested that shit a hundred times in my mind. I still think Studio 60 was highly underrated and I enjoyed it. Great cast that never got a chance because NBC lost all ability to program quality TV after 2004. Sorkin’s amazing.
no mention of the absurdity of HBK being “appointed” special guest ref.. in the COO’s match?
i mean.. i get it. insert HBK into the match, because hes as important a piece to this saga as Mr. H’s. this way, Taker gets the opportunity to “beat them both for the third time”, in a hell in the cell, at wrestlemania.. where he can finish his career at 20-0.
like thestinger said, there would be so much more room for up-and-comers without HHH/HBK/Taker/Rock. i think its safe to say that we’ll be doing without 3/4 of that list by april 8.
We all groaned pretty audibly at that, because Shawn Michaels as a referee means instant shenanigans and now the focus isn’t the streak or these two men but fuckery. Also it’s not like refs really even do shit in Hell in a Cell matches, so it’s even more superfluously messy.
For the second straight week, I was lulled into thinking Rock’s shit was the same old shit and then Cena came out and slaughtered his brains and it was immensely satisfying. Finally the writers are doing a great job with this, and as much as I know it’s killing Dwayne to be the heel, it’s really working.
WWE is attracting exactly the casual fans they want to attract with this, and as such, suddenly people who don’t watch wrestling are talking to me about wrestling, exclusively about that match and exclusively about how awesome and funny and killer the Rock is being and how John Cena is a bitch. They tend to be people I like so I don’t dismiss them out of hand but they’re looking like those kids who think “Ether’d” is a great synonym for domination because, in both Jay-Z-Nas and Cena-Rock, they don’t understand how much a calm dismissal is so much more devastating and effective than calling someone a homo.
I don’t know why everybody assumes that “Dwayne” doesn’t want to be the heel here – he’s never had a problem playing that part if it was good for business. I think we all just assume we know what these guys are like IRL because we’ve grown so accustomed to blurring the lines between them and the characters they play every week.
I just mean that even when he was the heel, he was the COOL heel that people loved even at his worst. He was able to say things that everybody loved even though he was technically the bad guy doing reprehensible things.
Of course, he’s doing that now with a lot of the same shtick, so fuck it, I guess it’s me, haha.
The WWE has moved beyond “heels” and “babyfaces” and no one seems to have noticed. People are either “cool” or “jive turkeys” and that’s all that matters.
When I first started watching again last summer, I was filled in about all the evil things Randy Orton has done in his career and I’m genuinely still unsure how he ended up a fan favorite that children love that you can put in K-Mart commercials sitting on your dining room table and getting hit on by your mom.
I’d also totally be down with a long Big Johnny/Otunga homage to Sherman & Mr. Peabody, as long as there was a weekly instance of Otunga saying “That’s right, Mr. Laurinaitis!”, with Johnny Ace replying, “Quiet, you!”
Oh my God if they did that Johnny/Otunga thing, oh my God! That would be the best thing ever!
The question isn’t where we are, David Otunga, but when.
+1 for Inspector Spacetime
I guess WWE doesn’t believe they have a place for Colt Cabana or Archibald Peck when clearly Santino is one of the most popular guys on the roster.
Also Brandon, bravo on the Zack Ryder-Boyz II Men comparison. I enjoyed a fond hearty laugh thinking of the “I’ll Make Love to You” video.
The crowd went NUTS for Santino back in late December at the house show I went to in DC. Santino is quickly becoming one of those guys I don’t especially like but that I’m starting to like just because of the positive crowd reaction.
What’s the most impressive to me about Santino is how long he’s managed to stay relevant to the audience. He’s had a few quiet spells but all-in-all he’s been incredibly popular for five years.
I think it’s very simple, wrestling fans want to go to a show and have fun and Santino provides that. His jokes aren’t the most complex but people dig it and at the end of the day that’s all that matters. You want to laugh, you want to have a good time, you want things to go absolutely apeshit over. So when Triple H spends 25 minutes pontificiating about THIS BUSINESS and then Santino comes says “Wrestlemanya” it’s a welcomed comic relief from the ham-handed breathing-into-microphone COO telling you that the people you paid $50+ to see aren’t worth your money.
But the longevity! There have always been comic relief characters than people get really fond of, but for whatever reason they don’t usually last long before either the crowd or the management gets bored and moves on. Santino’s stuck around, and even though he’s changed things up occasionally (Santina!) he’s always been basically the same guy. I think it’s a testament to Anthony Carelli (according to Wikipedia)’s natural comedic talent.
I remember Heyman saying something about wrestling being a three ring circus. If the circus was just 3 hours of lion taming, it would be boring, so you throw a couple of clowns in there to mix it up. You can’t have nonstop intense faces without sprinkling some levity into the mix.
The crowds, for me at least, can make or break a lot of stuff that happens, and I often find myself yelling at them for various reasons. The fact that every place, every where, seems to always get going for Santino is starting to make me come around on him. The things I don’t like about him get slowly overcome by the pure excitement of the crowd when he’s doing well. As a viewer, I feed into it. As long as Santino continues to get the crowd on their feet, I will continue to be okay with his increased presence.
The WWE is never going to be “good” for two straight hours, but maybe it can at least be exciting.
I think part of the appeal of Santino (speaking for myself, level 12 projecting on everyone else) is that he a friendly gentle humor type character. He’s the kind of wrestler that Jay on The Sarah Silverman Program would find hilarious. Part of rooting for Santino is rooting for childlike innocence and fun.
Of course now that I’ve gushed over the positive qualities of the friendly tattooed Italian stereotype man, he’s probably going to throw hot tomato sauce in Eve’s face to accompany her skank juice or whatever.
Oh God, I really hope they keep everyone I like away from Eve, I don’t need the stink of that angle on anybody I still enjoy. If I see Cody Rhodes and her on the screen at the same time I will legitimately start panic-smashing my TV with a baseball bat Gerald Broflovski style.
Both Lester and Bear raise spot-on point that there are several huge components that go into Santino’s success; his ability to add something new to the mix to refresh his character and that childlike innocence. Santino is just so silly sometimes. Well done friends.
When Santino first got past the Milan Miracle bit and went heel, with Maria Kanellis as his doting valet, he was pretty damn chauvinistic! Even through the Glamarella days.
@Mavanco: Santino/Matt Classic. Wrestlemania 29. Holy crap that would be awesome.
Santino is pretty funny. Ever since he turned heel and did things like the “Honkameter,” and would butcher everyone’s names, I was laughing. I even laughed at how he said everyone in Philadelphia was like Tom Hanks with the AIDS. He just amuses the shit out of me, and the roomful of wrestling fans I was in last night were all cheering when he won the US Title. He’s a likeable guy, and that will always get you somewhere.
Best: The guy in the crowd who yelled out, “Wrap it up!” at the end of the HBK/HHH mess. (Please tell me someone else heard that.)
Worst: Everything else besides the tag match. I’m out until after Wrestlemania. This is unwatchable. Of course I’ll still read and support the column and threads though. More entertaining than the actual product.
The whole build to Rock/Cena for the last month has been an e-fed match in the making. This is nothing new.
I’ve been reading your take on this stuff TH, great stuff.
“M4G3RK, explaining the whereabouts of column comment regular THESTINGER:
I think he is busy studying his Rosetta Stone “Indian Edition” for his eventual trip to go see Ring Ka King live.”
I was so close to being in the Top 10! *sigh*
I started that comment thread! :( always the comment bridesmaid, never the comment bride):
I’m at peace with not making the top ten comments. I made the leap year Rock t-shirt joke a couple of weeks ago. I think there’s just too many comments for any person to read through them all. The top ten are a funny little cross-section, not necessarily the ten best.
I agree that the Top 10 aren’t always the funniest, but I also can’t imagine having to deal with the herculean task of reading through all of them and compiling only ten. But at least take comfort in knowing that anyone that comments every week knows that both of you are hilarious.
Thanks guys, I love these tender moments we share from time to time. :’)
I crack up pretty hard reading the comments during the show. Not like when I participate in the Shotgun Saturday Night open thread.
Yeah you guys are way funnier than the commenters over at my “Are You There, Chelsea?” live thread. Those people are WEIRD.
Bear, that because you’re distracted by the strippers/Terri Runnels.
Hng. I have reluctantly joined the Chain Gang. But one thing i don’t get about this whole feud is when exactly the stakes got so high? I must have fallen asleep during a few weeks of build-up, because the last thing i remember is Cena’s “You’re not here” and the Rock’s “Cena talked shit on me penispenispenis lol”. Now all of a sudden Cena is going to lose everything and somehow be completely retconned out of continuity like Superboy Prime (yes i know he came back later, just shut up)? I’m really at a loss for why these two are even fighting now.
I have to disagree with you about Eve, though. I think there’s potential there, and she is heading in (mostly) the right direction. Coming out all smiles, doing her normal happy Diva thing is great when taken in context of “yeah, i used ryder. whatever, whatever, i do what i want.” Then awkwardly beating up Alicia Fox and still being all smiles. The only part that didn’t jive was when Ryder came out, called her a hoeski and made her look distraught like she actually cared for his feelings. Buuuuut it was taken care of later when she made out with him and sauntered off. I’m all for Eve being open about using her looks to get things and not giving a shit about it or feeling bad.
I’m going to bring my iPad to wrestlemania, so i can play Angry Birds or something during the remaining 40 minutes of the HHH/Undertaker match after i go piss and buy a hotdog or something.
It’s basically been last week + this week. Before that, both of them said “catchphrase homosexual vagina trending” every time Rock showed up. It’s only been the climax of last week and the climax of this week that have had anything even resembling emotional stakes.
But even then, what stakes were introduced to make everything so serious all of a sudden? Last week, Cena told Rock he was gonna get beat up. This week, Rock took an unfunny walking tour of Boston while Cena talked in an empty arena. Nobody’s career is on the line here, so what is Cena stressing over exactly?
I believe he is operating on the oft-used THIS BUSINESS Corollary.
What SP said. If JEEEEERN’s commitment, hustle, loyalty, respect, nevergiveupattude etc. can be easily defeated by the Walking Catchphrase Man who hasn’t been active in THIS BUSINESS since 2003, then really what has he built for himself other than a house of cards? So now he’s using humor to back himself off from that strange, sad notion and also put doubt into the mind of the Walking Catchphrase Man.
I clicked on the “Vickie Guerrero upskirt shot” link. This is the man that I am and I apologize for nothing.
+1 for the day after.
You and me both Mr. Bear.
I suppose adult fan fiction has me covered on that as well.
Vicke is more attractive than Aksana and I say that with 100% sincerity.
I have a soft spot for Aksana based on NXT season 3. She was so lovably terrible at everything, in this really infectious way that made you love her.
The more I reflect on it, NXT season 3 was one of my favourite wrestling things ever. So much amazingness.
I did it too. Judge me as you will.
I totally saved it. Made my day.
Shame you didn’t mention William Regal threatening to slap the just for men goatee off rock’s face.
Also, I can’t watch raw live, being a Brrit, so I watch it on youtube the next day. And oh my god, the youtube wrestling community are some of the most asenine, moronic people I’ve ever seen. On average, I only have to look at about 8 comments before I want to kill myself. On the bright side, it makes it easy to keep up with what people are saying on the live discussion thread. Why is this website the silver lining to everything bad about wrestling?
There’s a reason I only come here for comments things. I need to participate in the live discussion threads, and then regurgitate anything funny I said to my friends in the room.
All I know is this: Johnny Ace would look magical on a Hoverboard.
Oh god. Fuck sleep. You would make the top 10 comments so easily.
Yes. God, yes.
STOP BOASTING ABOUT YOUR DICK, ROCK. WE’VE ALL SEEN YOU IN TRUNKS AND YOUR CLAIMS ARE EXAGGERATED. EVERYONE KNOWS ALBERTO DEL RIO HAS GOT THE BIGGEST COCK IN THE DUBYADUBUNIVERSE.
Sorry, I’m still in open thread mode.
But Alex Wright still has the all-time crown
I feel like everyone should know that the guy with the cane isn’t even in Boyz II Men anymore. I can’t begin to remember why I know that.
I’d been fighting it for a while but the dirty dirty sheets “matches 2011″ really got the hooks in. As rough as wwe is right now the same things that were interesting to me 15 years ago are more or less the things that keep me in now.
Good young stars
The occasional 15 minute tv match between guys I like
Great comedy whether intentional, unintentional, or made of whole cloth in the community
The only thing I really miss is commentary that rises through the action as opposed to “unceasing plot hammer shill machine”
… I mention the E-Fed joke in the Discussion Thread before anyone and I didn’t even get a mention for it at the end of this? Well that’s just disappointing.
The trans jokes prove one thing: only thing worse to Rocky than being gay is being a woman. Man, I wish he would shut up, because I’m going to have to stop linking him, or call him out on Twitter or something, and that never goes well.
The dude that cut the promo for Cena at the end “WRESTLEMANIA 28, BABY! APRIL 1ST!”
That’s my old Health teacher/football coach from when I was in High School…dude told me when John Cena was in Springfield College for “hazing” on the football team he had to do the ass chug…which was drinking beer that would be poured down a linemans back down his ass crack after practice and you’d have to drink the entire thing…The Rock should be using that.
Anyway dude ended up getting caught with some of my classmates at a party… became the Guidance Councelor.
That’s him on the right in the banner pic..and just letting you know I thank you gor that pic…its prime for photo shopping.
haha i called that the best promo of the night.
ive done my share of springfield college partying…
ACH? Pfft. I’m trying to perfect a machine that will allow me to replace Ezekial Jackson with Uhaa Nation…
Just chiming in to say that I got that Designing Women reference and immediately felt kind of ashamed of myself and now I need to seriously reconsider my life decisions.
same here.
Watching back the show, there’s a big sign right behind Cena during his promo that says “JOHN CENA CHEATS ON HIS WIFE”. His wife was right in the front row and must have been able to see it. How unpleasant!
In case you need further proof that Cena is the better man
[www.azfamily.com]
That woman at the end of the promo video for next week’s Raw, the same excited brunette Rock fan they’ve been using in adverts since last February, is porn star Allie Haze.
Someone must have told them this.
/obligatory Chyna Wrestlemania parody porn reference
I like how Cena brought up the 18-1 Patriots then says “They perfectly show that no one remembers 2nd place”. Uh, that’s the worst example you could have brought up, John. EVERYONE remembers the Patriots losing the perfect season in the Super Bowl, and we’ll never let them forget.
In fact, pretty much every 2nd place Boston team is remembered, because their fuckin’ fans will never let us forget 18-1 and BUCKNAAAAAAAAH!
18-1 Patriots: NEVER FORGET (becausebostonfanswontletanyoneforget)
Lex Luger united the states Champion for 75 weeks, Santino gonna chase it again?
“I am’a so honered to be de champione of dese United American States!”
So I just picked up one of those VIP tickets for Axxess and a meet and greet with Mick Foley. And I paid way less than what they were asking for on Ticketmaster, which is pretty cool. Do I pull a Chris Farley and ask him if he remembers that time he fell off the cage?
I wonder what Foley gets more of, People asking him about HIAC, or people JOKINGLY asking him about HIAC so as not to be that guy asking about HIAC…
Haha I don’t think I could ever be that guy. I’ll probably just thank him for being an absolute lunatic and compliment him on being one of the largest humans I’ve ever met in my life. I met him a number of years ago for a radio show I interned at, the dude is immense.
One time i saw Mick Foley talk, and i asked him if he still talked to Brian Knobbs. He then interrupted his story to talk about Brian Knobbs being accused of using steroids.
Later i asked him what it was like being in the same building as Silver King.
I really hate the idea of Cody Rhodes losing the IC Title to Big Show, JUST so Big Show can have probably one last final “Good WrestleMania Moment”
ESPECIALLY if Rhodes is just ganna win it back at Extreme Rules or whatever…
You failed to mention that Kofi Kingston randomly came out to back-up Teddy Long because Black Guys.
I stopped watching WWE back when Austin ruined my life with the “what?” thing, so I missed the Rock’s final first run. I’ve been watching a bunch of Rock’s 2002-03 stuff on youtube…seems to me that he’s just picking up where he left off. His speech to Mick Foley at Wrestlemania before they faced Evolution was rambling and ridiculous.
I guess my question is: should we be at all surprised by how Rock is doing right now? Isn’t he just setting the clock back to ’03?
I loved John Cena at one point…in fact at a house show in my city about 10 years ago, save for Lance Storm, he was my favourite wrestler that night. He was wearing his initial wrestling gear…the shit before the shorts/U can’t see me shirts and whatnot. I even wrote 411 and claimed that he would be massive. He got really good on the mic doing his rap schtick and raggin on people…then he completely stopped being cool. For years he has been rediculous on the mic, gone around in circles and said basically nothing. To me now, he talks about rising above hate but he bullies just as much as anyone ie. his spiel with Eve but whatever. Anyways point being…he has been awesome on the mic in the past couple of weeks and I actually hate him more because it is brutally obvious that he has been dialing it in for the past few years. Cena is getting the better of the Rock but fuck this kid for being a dick for years and only showin up when the guy he has been chasing both in popularity and success shows up. He can’t claim that the Rock comes and goes when he pleases, when Cena has been Adam Sandler “Clicking” his way through the past 5 years. Blargh!
a great argument, but in his defense, he wasnt exactly challenged all those years. there are only so many face promos you can cut against Mr.H’s/orton/show. if the guy was never told or expected to change or give us any more.. then why would he? ya know?
here, hes got…THE ROCK. after months and months of the wwe universe finally challenging him, he finally has a real opportunity to bring it. if hes going to stay face, then he needs to do something to get and keep people on his side. and heres his outlet to do so.
maybe im looking too far into it, and maybe hes just been as lazy as the writers. but with a 2 week memory, im not complaining one bit.
I’ve read a lot of people’s comments and I think we’re missing the point.
First Ryder wins the US Title while serving as the Assistant to Smackdown GM Teddy Long. Now Teddy’s new assistant Santino wins the US Title after being given a match on Raw by Teddy, who was in charge.
So on top of his elicit affair with Aksana, Teddy is giving favorable treatment to his assistants!.
This man knows no shame.
One part caught my ear, The Rock making reference to the women of Boston lining up to give him their Boston Cream Pies.
Like.
Have their vaginas already been filled with semen or?
At least if the Rock is sleeping with period-specific women, they can’t get pregnant
Well. Played.
My hope is that a Santino US Title run leads to an Otunga US Title run.
That was my Big Show/AJ joke, Brandon! I cut you, meng!
Rewatching parts of Raw right now without the crutch of the live thread, and I’m lamenting the fact I missed this easy joke during the Kelly/King Nickelodeon Award conversation:
Nick.com is Jerry Lawler’s Match.com.
Missed this last night, but Cole casually mentioned later in the broadcast that neither Big Johnny nor Teddy Long appointed HBK the special referee. PLEASE don’t tell me we’re going to see a McMahon before this is done.
“If he’s trying the same act with Orton that he did with Cena he’s an idiot, because Orton’s whole deal is that he hates EVERYTHING, including his Mormon stable of wives, and is willing to RKO Stacy Keibler or kick John Cena’s dad in the head to prove a point. Contextually, Randy Orton is WAY more evil than Kane. It’s the difference between Walter White and Tuco. Tuco might flip out over nothing and punch you to death, sure, but at least he’s got the decency to be forthright and crazy about it. Walter White is a f**king monster.”
Might be one of the best things I’ve ever read on the Uproxx network. This deserves the utmost Bryan-esque Yesses and at least a few pints of vegan beer.
The one thing that really stood out to me (so much so that I rewound and watched it over again) was the end of the tag match between Punk, Sheamus, Jericho, and D-Bryan.
Jericho wasn’t the legal man.
They’ve been so good with Teddy Long and John Laurenitis coming out and stopping matches for technical reasons, but nobody caught it that Jericho couldn’t get the pinfall.
It was really weird because they didn’t even try to feint it. There wasn’t a ref bump or some other skull-duggery… they just didn’t bother to figure out an ending where Jericho tagged himself in.
Just expected better from three Best-In-The-Worlds…
I noticed this too and was excepting Teddy Long to “hold on a minnet playa” but it never happened.
Besides, they can’t build on it, cause it would be detrimental for Punk to complain about.
El Commento
So why we’re trying to figure out what ends Eve was using Zack Ryder for, why is Aksana seducing Teddy Long again?
In defense of “Time To Play The Game”, it is sung by Lemmy from Motorhead.
And performed by the other members of Motorhead.
Remember when they had Motorhead play it live and Lemmy just kept singing “it’s time to play the game” over and over cause he can’t remember lyrics anymore?
That Motorhead performance (I think at WM X-7) was so fucking awesome. The sheer awkwardness of a live wrestling theme mixed with the sheer awesomeness of a decrepit Lemmy made the perfect blend of wrestling entertainment.
ACE OF SPADDEESSS…
Seriously Brandon, I thought for sure you would write “Vanessas Hudgen.” I am disappoint.
Comparing Orton vs Kane to Walter White vs Tuco only made me want to see this so much more.
Brandon,
Great column. I look forward to the day that we have a 5-star RAW just to see how you lead the discussion for it. #I wish Wrestling was as cooler every now and then.
Now that you’ve made DC Crisis lingo canon for wrestling, THESTINGER making DBZ the same makes this epic: “(having Cena become an angry hate machine that would allow him to Super Saiyen so he could be The Rock-geta would have made it relevant)”
If we get some Divas-Sailormoon jokes, I’m shuffling off this mortal coil. (The PGSM joke was enough to make me see my cardiologist)
i didnt know john cena was a tranny??
Brandon you are hilarious!
AJ looked really hot tonight on Smackdown. That is all.
Is it too early to give a “Worst” to tonight’s “Rock Concert” on RAW?