Best And Worst: Funk Is Still On That Same Roll
Things I really enjoy:
- The Funkasaurus
- NXT guys showing up on Raw to do things
- Funkette butts
Things I really hate:
- Re-run segments on Raw, assuming they aren’t sponsored by Lugz or the JVC Kaboom Box
So while I instinctively have to give a Best to any and all Funkasaurus appearances, I can’t in good conscience give it a flawless Best because f**k, how many times do I need to see this fat jiggly dude jump on Curt(is) Hawkins? Brodus Clay REALLY needs to start doing something on the show, because wrestling isn’t territorial anymore and I’m not paying to see the bearded lady, I’m paying to see the bearded lady doing something interesting.
I thought for sure Miz being left off the Wrestlemania card was going to lead to him squaring off with a wild F-saurus at Mania, but it wasn’t to be. Then I thought maybe Miz was gonna join Team
Teddy Johnny and Teddy would counter with Brodus, and THAT didn’t happen. So what now? We keep Funkasaurus splashing these guys until Lord Tensai shows up and Baldo Bombs him through the ring? Are we seriously doing a Kuja/Necron thing with them?
Maybe he’ll win a pre-Mania handicap match against The Colons, because that’ll happen. I mark for the first person to choke him with his own breakaway pants.
Worst: Oh God, The Tag Champs
There’s no greater indicator of the importance of the WWE Tag Team Championships than Primo walking down to the ring, pointing up a storm while Big Show dagger-eyes him. If you don’t want to do anything with these guys (or Otunga/McGillicutty, or “tag teams” in general) you don’t have to give them titles and put them on your show. You can give those to someone you do want to use, like Swagger and Ziggler, guys who are in tag matches all the damn time. Use it as a storytelling prop, I don’t know, but don’t hit the samba demo on your Casio keyboard from 1992, parade out an old wrestler’s kids and have them hold plate-sized penny belts that used to sorta mean something.
I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I’d rather Primo and Epico get into one of those YOU’RE OVERSHADOWING ME, I’M THE ONE CARRYING THE TEAM break-up angles than what they’re doing now. The Colon kids (well, most of them) are good at what they do, I feel like you could get SOMETHING constructive out of them if you wrote a broader outline than (a) point at Rosa while she does things, (b) wait for further instructions.
Best: Rosa Mendes In A Corset
Ay dios mio (spanish)!
Best: Cody Rhodes Is Spinning Turds Into Gold
Cody’s “keep my Intercontinental Championship” gameplan is as follows:
1. Produce a series of YouTube clips to insult the Big Show
2. handcuff him to the ropes once and punch him with Street Fighter boxing gloves
3. call him names
In the hands of anybody else, that three-step plan would’ve been straight-up Wrestlepoopies, but Cody has managed to deliver it with enough panache and Roman philosophical paraphrasing to elevate it to something grand, something indicative of what mid-card pro wrestling heels could accomplish when they looked like they were having fun and meant what they said.
Cody’s going to get destroyed at Wrestlemania, and that’s good. He deserves it, and stuff like “I have to take a Big Show” is why. Usually that kind of material is reserved for popular babyfaces to get the crowd laughing with them. Cody understands that that’s the kind of sh*t you say when you want to look like a f**king dickbag, because only a bag of dicks would say it. You beat someone up for photoshopping Heath Slater’s head onto Wendy, it shouldn’t make you want to see Heath Slater GET beaten up.
Best: Drew McIntyre Gets A Wrestlemania Payday
Good for him and his crazy vegan ex-wife. Drew should’ve been on Team Johnny all along, as Johnny gave him back his job and Teddy Long’s been jerking him around since they met. For true poetic justice, McIntyre should get the deciding pinfall for Team Johnny while Teddy watches. If I get put in charge of WWE Creative, the fourth or fifth thing I’ll do is slowly turn McIntyre face and feud him against Daniel Bryan, just to bring back Tiffany. And then I’ll use Tiffany’s “drinking is about having fun with friends” bullsh*t to feud them both with Punk.
Then maybe we can move forward into that DrewMac/Sheamus/Wade Barrett/William Regal stable from WWE 12 that was way better than anything happening in real life.