Best: David Otunga And The Tiniest Shirt In History
We talked about this at length on the Wear The Cheese podcast, but My Twitter Lawyer David Otunga’s total mangling of the incredible and hopefully available for sale Team Johnny team t-shirt was amazing and the best Best of Raw. Two things:
1. He cut it so small that it looked like a bib.
2. He cut it so small that it wasn’t even clothing anymore, and if he was gonna cut it like that he should’ve just cut out Johnny’s head and taped it to the middle of his chest.
I think my favorite part is that while the shirt was so small, his jacket was still SO BIG. It’s like when people try to be sexy in movies and wear lingerie with a trench coat over it, but with threatening muscularity. Teddy Long should wear that exact same t-shirt to Wrestlemania.
Worst: Flag Fail
Another thing we pointed out was how badly done the “Team” flags were put together … if you want a flag to wave, you have to leave a space open in the middle, you can’t just print it out on banner paper and staple the entire side to a stick. You’d think a company jingoistic enough to do flag matches on the reg for the last 40 years would know how to put one together and not leave Vickie standing there looking like she’s got no hand-eye coordination.
Worst: Team Teddy Vs. Team Teddy Johnny At Elimination Pay-Per-View
The match itself gets a Best, oddly enough — the rivalry between Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw Mr. John Laurinaitis and Peanut Head has been consistent and allowed to grow better than any Mania feud not involving Cody Rhodes in the last month. The teams aren’t the greatest (Team Teddy could be defeated in total with one well-timed distraction and looks like that section of guys in Fire Pro you scroll by trying to find Kenta Kobashi), but the story makes sense for both the guys on the teams and their namesakes, and there are actual things at stake.
The worst comes from a flub that even I can’t justify. The Miz saved John Laurinaitis from being Cobra’d, and after weeks of trying to get on one the Wrestlemania card Miz gets greeted with a CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF TEAM TEDDY and has to sell it as exciting even though f**king Johnny doesn’t know if Team Johnny or Team Teddy is the one he’s running. That’s … not good.
Maybe next week he’ll get Otunga to sue WWE for making the team names too confusing, and at Extreme Rules we’ll see Team Me vs. Team Him.
Best: Maria Menounos Being Injured Opens The Door For Wrestlers To Be On The Wrestling Show
From US Weekly:
No amount of pain could stop Maria Menounos from showing off her new moves!
Despite suffering a minor rib injury during rehearsals, the Extra host, 33, and pro partner Derek Hough, 26, wowed judges with their Bonnie and Clyde inspired quickstep on Dancing With the Stars Monday. “Injury or not, I’m going to be a tough Greek and I’m going to kick some [butt]!” Menounos said prior to their performance.
I really hope this injury is a work so we can get 10 minutes of heat out of Menounos with her ribs taped up like Diamond Dallas Page. I also hope that where it says [butt] she said “f**king ass”.
The best case scenario would be a Nathan Jones rewrite where a few segments into Mania we jump backstage to find Maria “unconscious” and Kelly has to go it alone, so Kelly stinkface and K2′s her way through 15 minutes of handicap match beatdown before Menounos reappears like so much Hulk Hogan on her way to bodyslam so much King Kong Bundy and saves the day. Better yet, Kharma replaces her and Maria Menounos dies on the way back to her home planet.
Worst: Madonna? Since When
Madonna’s spoken word (?) effort “Girl Gone Wild” was thanked for being the Official Theme Song of Wrestlemania 28. Did I black out during a ‘Fairly Legal’ commercial and miss six weeks of that being common knowledge?
What’re they even gonna use it for, the graphics bumpers for the Maria Menounos match? Does a 33-year old TV host smiling and saying “heh I’m gonna show you some movez” constitute “going wild”? The last time a girl legitimately “went wild” in WWE, Mickie James was kidnapping people and jamming her fingers into Trish’s vagina to keep from being bulldogged.
They should license out ‘This Used To Be My Playground’ and play it when The Rock loses.
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I enjoy these
I lost my shit so hard reading the Waldo Geraldo Faldo analogy.
One of the better references in a while, and that’s saying something.
+Snorlax for page 2, wait this isn’t the Open Discussion Thread…
Guys, Madonna’s got a theme song because Deadmau5 refused to let WWE use one of his songs. IT’S A TROLL, GUISE! WWE IS CURRENT!!11
Trance Funkasaurus. Oh god, no!
It’s basically the same as Quina’s.
But what if they replaced his funk music with trance music?
Somewhere in California, Shawn Harrison walks into Uproxx’ headquarters and demands a royalty check. He hasn’t eaten in months.
I’m shocked that Lawler didn’t earn himself a worst for his “I wonder what Rush Limbaugh would say about her” line about Eve. Sadly, that was just about the most memorable part of RAW for me.
I think it’s generally accepted that Lawler is always a worst. Always.
Very nice work overall. I too wish they’d do something other than squashes with the Funk.
I don’t know why they didn’t go with that Regal feud they seemed to be teasing for a couple weeks there. He can do comedy really well and help Clay become a better worker. Does NXT take up too much of his time now?
” The last time a girl legitimately “went wild” in WWE, Mickie James was kidnapping people and jamming her fingers into Trish’s vagina to keep from being bulldogged.”
Haven’t finished reading yet, but this is news to me if true and I’m gonna need a YouTube link to this IMMEDIATELY.
First part of the reference.
part 2 will be just above this comment, because apparently I can’t post two youtube videos in response to the same comment
Thanks for this video. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this segment before, and it is awesome. More compelling than anything I’ve seen since … ugh… Nexus killing Steamboat?
calling ryder a perfectly cromulent wrestler is one of the best things i’ve ever read.
Once again, you have embiggened us all, Brandon.
R-Truth was just taking a hint from Fat Albert.
ATTN: 85
Re: Vaginal claw
Out of context, the text in this post is hilarious. “Regarding that vaginal claw we were speaking about…”
Vaginal Claw would make an awesome name for an all girl punk band.
Wow. Well thank you for that. As a general rule I like to read these with my pants on, but…
I saw Chyna use that same move once.
As an aside, Mickie James in the first clip below is better than anything any of the Divas on the roster now could pull off by FAR. I miss her. Not enough to watch Impact though.
My boyfriend had never seen this(he was not privy to the Attitude Era) and during our ‘Mania marathon it made its appearance. He looked at me like “I can’t believe what I’m watching.”
That’s it! I’m naming my fantasy team the Vaginal Claws next year and it’s all your fault. I hope you’re happy ;)
That wasn’t the attitude era, that was 2006!
Psycho Mickie James in a skirt is my all-time favourite Diva. I liked her once they put her in pants, but it just wasn’t the same.
My favorite Wrestlemania Moment.
I meant he stopped watching wrestling in the early 90′s and he just got back into it at last year’s ‘Mania, so this was not what he was expecting at all. Vajayjay claws and wrestlers named after genital piercings and such. ;)
Names to define the periods between the Attitude Era and the “PG-Era”?! GO!
The Invasion Era, followed by the The Baby-Punting Era.
Baby Punting Era FTW.
This CM Punk tweet is a billion times better than all the rest of the build up for their feud:
[twitter.com]
[twitter.com]
made me look forward to April 2013.
I look forward to Wrestle-meh-nia this Sunday.
Did some more research Punk, yeah that’s right, but this isn’t about any member of your family. No, this about your best friend. Your dog licks his own balls.
Miss Lippy’s car is green.
I have a radio in my car.
Team Teddy and Team Johnny Flags still pale in comparison to the FBI’s Tommy Rich flag.
*Waldo Geraldo Faldo line was great.
God I miss ECW-era FBI. Best stable of fake Italians ever. Tracy Smothers FTW!
OH SHIT! I missed Raw last night. Well, looks like I missed a real barn burner of an episode.
So many nails were hit precisely on the head in this weeks column that I think you should start paying dues to your local construction union. Good job, B-Stro.
I do want to leave this here though:
If this is the most important match ever to you then please stop smiling all the time, Masshole. It’s getting to the point where I’d rather see Giant Gonzalez come out and end both of these shitbirds.
Oh dear god, Tiffany speaking is really the best thing ever.
like Kelly Kelly running the ropes in voice form
Did anyone notice that Cody’s use of “Big Show” was almost a parallel universe version of the way “Rhodes” is used here?
+Rhodes for that.
†Rhodes for that as well.
Whoa… Mind. Blown.
you can’t as well a +Rhodes, you have to &Rhodes it
He really Britta’d it.
Funkasaurus and Toe Jam vs. The Fiery Colons for the rights to irrelevancy and dominance of Funkotron.
Nice Snorlax reference.
Anyone read this Chicago Tribune interview with Punk? [www.chicagotribune.com]
It’s a pretty good read; turns out he’s been pesciterian for the past three months and currently trying a liquid diet. Maybe Bryan could lure him over to the vegan side!
It’s also kind of depressing. Apparently it’s a bad idea to try to say anything to him.
That’s the impression I’ve gotten from every interview I’ve read. It makes me a little paranoid to go to Chicago, just on the off chance I would run into him.
baby face (good guy)
As long as you stay away from the North Side or the L to the airport you probably won’t run into him. It’s a big city ;) Seriously though, I think a nod and a “hey, great match at soandso. you made this fun again” would be much appreciated, but not a OMGHAIILOVEYOUSIGNALLOFMYTHINGSGLOMP!! while riding the train is weird when you’re not a “superstar”. Speaking as someone who has been hugged by random people on the L on the way home from baseball games (and I am not even internet famous, lol.) Begging the question, does Brandon have stalkers yet?
Team Johnny vs Team Teddy is basically White People vs. Minorities…with the exception of Zach Ryder. Team Teddy is the lovable group of misfit underdogs while Team Johnny is the high class group of favorites who have better resources and resort to cheating to win. So guess who’s gonna win?
Mark Henry is definitely not on Team White People
Haha ‘The Miz’ is the new John Morrison. Except not ripped and he has a permanent Facebook Duckface.
I feel this video adequately responds to the way I feel about everything going on right now.
[www.youtube.com]
Anyway, see you in Miami B!
Two things: 1) And please forgive my shouting, but, THERE WAS NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH DOLPH ZIGGLER LAST NIGHT!!!! Last week, he comes out and shakes his hot little ass and this week, nothing: FAIL! 2) Between all my cousins on my mom’s side, there are 12 kids between them, none of whom were born before anything was made legal. My baby will be the first one in our family to be conceived and born AFTER her parents got married, so, Jericho, who cares?
I actually hope your final fantasy premonation comes to life, I think Big Show would make a fitting Adelbert Steiner
Listening to the podcast, great Randy Orton impersonation, Mr. Stroud.
Also, I’m gonna split the cost for Wrestlemania w/my lil’ bro…I had no idea it was $70+dollars!
This better be worth it WWE…it’ll be a huge disappointment wont it?
probably
Brandon, enjoy your weekend. The Wrestlemania experience should be a great one. I’m even more vicariously excited about Ring of Honor, though. I started watching when they debuted on Sinclair and I’m probably more excited for Showdown in the Sun than I am for Wrestlemania. Super jealous that you are going.
Great article as usual.
I’m a ROHbot from way back. Was at the original Dragon Gate six man tags, Joe vs. Kobashi, the Cabana/Homicide street fight with the chair riot, etc.
So reading through this there were lots of cool things I wanted to comment on, but there were so many of them that by the time I was finished I couldn’t remember them all. So I’ll post this and you can insert your favorite Watchmen/Simpsons/daytime soaps (seriously, well done with that. Chikara = Passions is PERFECT (especially since Passions and then AMC are my two favorite daytime soaps).) joke.
The obscure but really well done pop culture reference Brandon made was hilarious! DFTBA!
All My Children is one of those things I love to mention. I watched it with my mom the summer Sarah Michelle Gellar was on it. Got a huge crush on her, so I watched extremely closely.
Was Swans Crossing a real thing or did I just imagine it?
@Lester Swans Crossing was a teen soap opera that SMG was also on. The sad part is, the reason I remember this was because they made Swan Crossing dolls that I totally made hook up with my wrestling action figures. Bret Hart was totally a pimp with those Swans Crossing ladies…
Since I have commented plenty of times and even shared on Facebook and such, I demand a favor. I demand you yell derogatory stuff at Davey Richards. Because man, he is just the worst.
I was too sick to take part in the live thread this week. I missed it. Watching Raw on Tuesday afternoon with a cup of echinacea tea and the volume down just isn’t the same.
Great B&W this week, Brandon.
Oh, and #TeamFuckThemBoth? Trending worldwide.
Can’t wait for #BootsToMerchStand, personally.
If anyone gets a “Boots to Merch Stand” chant going at ‘Mania, I might die from happiness. You have your assignment!
Another great column, Brandon, even though they didn’t give you much to work with. Also, that Madonna song is fucking hilarious. My 6 year old niece on a Fun Dip high can write better lyrics than that.
Remember the time Brendon said he didn’t want to just write long columns crapping on this thing that he watches and supposedly likes? Yeah, good times.
1. No, because I don’t know who Brendon is
2. There were still a lot of Bests in this column, but if you’re breezing over them because of something in particular you disagree with, feel free to speak on it.
Is the difference between Brendon and Brandon like the difference between the Rock and Dwayne Johnson?
1.) Sorry.
2.) Yes, there were “bests” but they’re just the usual trying-too-hard variety that no one who watches wrestling really gives a crap about.
So since you asked…
THe Rock/Cena segment absolutley did meander a bit but it was DAMN GOOD. Once Cena got past the usual “ya’ll” belching he does and began telling us that he has to win because this is his life and the Rock will leave to go to his new life so it actually means something to him, oh and for all-the-haters-out-there-I-always-WIN, I thought it was gold. It almost sounded desperate, as if Cena knows all he’ll ever be is a pro wrestler while the Rock has gone on to bigger and better, so he better damn well win the pro wrestling part of this whole deal. The Rock was on to something with his bit about beating Hogan, Austin, and Cena but unfortunately lost the train of thought. This was good stuff, and once again Cena actually did something pretty brilliant – played up needing to be an underdog while underlining the fact that he does nothing to win AND feeding the Cena hate machine by reminding all those Cena Sucks guys that he’s always booked to win. Again, good segment.
Should there have been physical contact? Yeah, I’d like to have seen the usual crappy wrestling punch trading that happens when TWO MEGA POWERS ESSSPLODE but you have to sympathize with THIS BUSINESS for once. These guys can and do drop like a ball into someone’s purse if they twist the wrong way at the wrong moment, no reason at all to blow what they’re convinced will be a gigantic payday for the company.
Giving a worst to the Jericho thing…well, what did you want to happen? Jericho trolled Punk again, but we got to see Punk take out his anger on another wrestler in a vicious way, thus setting up interest in seeing what happens when Punk is finally face to face with Jericho. This is just old school stuff. It was well done, and I don’t mind Christian being the sacrificial lamb due to his injury.
I guess my overall point is sure you’ll throw some bests here and there, but usually it’s for stuff that really isn’t about the pro wrestling you claim to enjoy. It’s for dopey meme stuff that gets tired after a while. Yeah yeah. Laurinitis is HILARIOUS and so is Otunga! Dude, anyone who tells you Lenny and Carl aren’t the funniest thing on early 90′s era Simpsons just wasn’t watching! I mean, the GM stuff is so awful there isn’t a single redeeming thing going on and it annoys me that it’s even taking a place on a card I’m going to stupidly pay $60 to watch. Do you *really* enjoy that stuff? For serious? I’d take a million HHH/Taker THIS BUSINESS promos tongue kissing someone’s balls in their purse over David Otunga getting even 20 seconds of screen time. THERMOS!! HAW! Stop.
Oh, and a note on all the concern over all the homophobia being thrown around: you’re watching pro wrestling. Stop trying to take this thing somewhere it won’t go. At it’s heart, pro wrestling is DUMB. We know this, we enjoy it for a multitude of reasons. But constantly trying to take it to a place it wont’ go, namely wishing it *wasn’t* jocks making stupid jock jokes and coming up with stupid jock reasoning for beating each other up suggests that, well, maybe you don’t like watching it. Or the things you enjoy about it just aren’t things anyone watches professional wrestling for.
“You buy the premise, you buy the bit…”
Maybe B just wants to see actual wrestling instead of the same couple of tedious promos every week. But I guess “john cena gay” “the rock gay” is what pro wrestling is all about. The tyranny of David Otunga’s thermos is taking away from all of that.
@Jericholo:
1) The Rock/Cena segment was pretty tedious since it’s just a rehash of things they said the previous week.
2) The Jericho stuff is also fairly tedious since really all the audience needs is, as Punk puts it, “Best in the world v. best in the world”. Being a smarmy heel was a little fun for a bit, but “Your mom was pregnant before she was married” is a 0 on the care-meter. If she had said that his Mom was a jericholic it would’ve got 10 million bests, though.
3) Otunga and Lauranitis are pretty great. Otunga-as-Carlton lawyering it up is phenomenal. Lauranitis’s monotone and straight-laced nature but calling himself “Mr. Excitement” is so fun. Teddy Long is the worst, though, and is dragging down the GM stuff. If the Face GM had done something more than make tag team matches for the past 4 years and fucked around with a recent Diva hire (in kayfabe, I assume), the feud would be a little bit better. Lauranitis is great whenever he’s on Raw, Teddy Long showing up on smackdown is always the shits.
4) Wrestling is dumb, but it doesn’t have to be homophobe/racist dumb. For instance, Steamboat’s ‘therapy’ prior to WMIII was dumb but harmless and the match was great, so that gets a pass. Sgt. Slaughter becoming a traitor so Hulk Hogan could body slam the personification of Iraq is a million worsts. Had Sgt. Slaughter tried to claim he was the ‘real american’ by picking on poor people and Jim Duggan before attacking Hogan to take the mantle would’ve been effective, the results are the same, and no one is embarrassed when looking back on it.
Having Rock call cena a faggot in so many words isn’t being a star, it’s a terrible message to send to kids, and fans shouldn’t condone it. The company should be called out when they fall back on the trope.
Oh Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.
I hope this all doesn’t come off as needlessly argumentative, Jericholo.
I think the WWE is aware of how varied its audience is. Some people eat up the Rock / Cena & Triple H / Undertaker stuff. Brandon, and many of the people that post here, aren’t those people. That’s totally cool because the people who do like that stuff get a half hour of it every Raw.
Now, Brandon could just say “Worst: Cena and Rock talking again. I’m not this target audience.” and move on, but that wouldn’t make for a really good column and would likely not put vegan food into his vegan belly.
Dolph Ziggler said something in his Colt Cabana interview a few weeks ago. He doesn’t get a ton of time to do anything but what time he does have he’s going to spend trying to make sure we all remember him. I think that ethic has really started to spread to the rest of the roster.
Otunga and Swagger used to be pretty boring. Now they try to do something interesting with the time they have, and we appreciate it.
I don’t know, friend, I think there are a lot of details in wrestling that should be appreciated. A lot of these guys are brilliant and hilarious, but only get a minute to do something and I think it’s cool that we all seem to appreciate those small bits.
I disagree that wrestling is for dumb jocks by dumb jocks. It never was and only snooty people think it is. We want more stuff like CM Punk last summer and less “haha Cena is gay so let’s tie him to a fence and throw ROCKS at him.” It isn’t like the people who are really into the Triple H storyline didn’t also enjoy Punk last Summer.
Stuff like “the pro wrestling you claim to enjoy” and the paragraph about how I should just accept homophobia because wrestling is stupid really undermine your valid criticisms.
Having a difference of opinion doesn’t necessarily mean that one of us is the correct wrestling fan and one of us is wrong. We each get different things from the show, and hopefully the three-to-eight-dozenish paragraphs expounding on my bolded Bests and Worsts help explain shit like “what did you WANT to happen”.
I guess this is probably a case of whatever-floats-your-boat. We all watch wrestling for different reasons. But …
1.)Rock/Cena~ Didn’t watch this segment yet, so no direct comment. I am happy to read that there is finally a reason for these two to fight (IE Rock to beat Austin-Hogan-Cena / Cena to defend his turf from Mr. Hollywood Pecs)
That has been my biggest complaint to this point. Why does the Rock hate Cena and feel compelled to insult his fashion choices?
2.) Jericho /Punk~ These have been my favorite segments over the last 3 weeks. Jericho cuts deep with “Your dads an alcoholic -> You’ll be an alcoholic too -> Try to be straight-edge all you want. One day its gonna get you, cuz of me” Compelling stuff. Far more compelling than “we use similar catchphrases”. The next 2 weeks, Jericho was insulting and hilarious. Last weeks promo gets promo of the year from me. Legit-sounding “I’m sorry saying that stuff about you dad. That was too far and I clearly crossed the line. I promise I won’t mention him again … BUT YOUR SISTER!” Awesome. This week’s “legal-definition of a bastard” was again hilarious (as if there is a legal definition, like its on his birth certificate or something). I wish we still had a few more weeks of these before WM.
3.) Otunga and Laurinaitis~ As with most of the comic-relief matches at WM, I just don’t really care much about this stuff. Santino is funny when mis-pronouncing his way through a promo (Snoopidy Dog-Dog). Laurinaitis has had a few straight man funny moments. Otunga? I think I’d enjoy a bit where he’s in the back wearing the bow-tie, he start’s speaking in the I’m A Wannabe Lawyer Trying to Sound Smart voice, and then every big wrestler on the roster (Show, Mark Henry, Khali, Funk, Viscera, Monsoon) show up for no reason and destroy him. They could all do a simultaneous splash with him at the bottom, and when they un-pile he has disintegrated, and we never speak of it again.
4.) Wrestling is stupid~ Say what you want about Sgt. Slaughter the Iraqi, but plenty of kids got hooked on wrestling because angles like that. I hated Slaughter, was irate that he was allowed to wrestle with pointy boots that clearly should have been deemed illegal, and loved watching Hogan beat him. I’m not embarrassed by the angle. If Sgt. hadn’t come out waving the Iraqi flag, it wouldn’t have been nearly as memorable.
@NWOstinger
I guess that is where we differ, in regards to finding rehashing this stuff tedious. I found Rock and Cena’s stuff from last week tedious, but I don’t think it’s fair painting this past week with that brush. I mean, building up to a match will always be somewhat tedious as the point is to set up the conflict and have the characters reiterate why they’re in conflict until they hit each other, no? (This also goes towards Jericho/Punk and HHH/Taker).
I don’t think the point of the Jericho stuff this week was really to make fun of CM Punk for being a bastard but rather Jericho knowing he has Punk’s buttons in his back pocket and pushing them just for the hell of it. Punk losing his shit over it just confirms that and perhaps *I’m* reading too much into it but it actually struck me some kind of subtle, clever writing or promo-ing or whatever the hell it is these guys do when it’s not reacting to Big Dick Johnson.
On the homophobia stuff, sorry but no sale. During the 80′s we accepted that a headbutt from black guys was extra painful cause of their supposedly extra hard heads, anyone from an island didn’t own a pair of shoes and are usually savages (which we still give a pass to), and do I even need to bring up Eddie Guerrero’s entire persona? We all loved Eddie, loved the gimmick, but you’re going to have a hard time selling me on the notion that stuff like that isn’t fair game in the righteous indignation parade. For some reason BrAndon and a lot of guys on this blog give a pass to everything else because…I don’t know. I guess railing against homophobia sounds more sincere or something.
Incidentally, the Cena everyone claims to love back in the day pretty much did nothing but call all of his opponents faggots in his promos. Don’t know what to tell ya but pro wrestling is pro wrestling. If the perception of homophobia is a legit issue, all the racial stereotyping and degradation of women should be a legit issue (beyond calling Eve a ho).
I never suggested or meant to suggest wrestling is for dumb jocks only. I stated that the logic and reasoning behind 99.9 of all wrestling matches and feuds is dumb jock-fueled. I-don’t-like-you-so-I’m-going-to-beat-you-up is what it is. I fully agree there are lots and lots of levels one can enjoy wrestling on. However, my point is simply that insisting that pro wrestling needs to RISE ABOVE all the things that pro wrestling has always been seems like a waste of time.
P.S. Clearly I enjoy Brandon’s writing, otherwise I wouldn’t take the time to say a word. I just realized that I almost didn’t read his column this week because I wanted to enjoy Wrestlemania and felt he was slipping too far into the cynicism-for-its-own-sake choke hold.
The WWE’s viewpoint on minorities and women are just as oft maligned on B&W and its comment sections as its views on homosexuality…
You’re right, we all did love Eddie. That’s the difference. Of course wrestling will always use stereotypes and other short hand, but it’s when the uses of it is ONLY seen as a negative that it becomes really awful.
If we had a wrestler who everyone loved and who was also gay you might have a point. We don’t, though. Being gay, or otherwise being anything but the MANLIEST MAN WHO EVER FUCKING MANNED, is always always always a bad thing in the WWE.
Also, if a guy came out and attacked someone because of their race or sex they would be the villain. If Cena came out and said, “I’m not gay, but you’re half black!” to Rock he would be boo’d and hated on. It’s when the Good Guys are saying awful things that are homophobic / racist / vile and remain the Good Guy after doing so that it becomes a problem.
Hell, I’m also the guy who liked Eugene so I could be totally fucking stupid.
So… because WWE has been racist and sexist and homo/transphobic in the PAST it’s okay NOW?
As you say, no sale. Society develops, though slowly and the WWE is practically retrograde, but if we’re consuming a product, we’re allowed to ask that it’s not hateful towards people it’s generally considered bad to be hateful towards. I thought the Mexicools were disgusting bullshit too, and the guys on the bike aren’t much better. At least they’re not gardeners.
I was the biggest Rock mark in the world. He RTed something I said and I used it in a presentation to execs about the power of Twitter. Now? Can’t stand the guy. It’s not okay to throw around slurs. It’s really not. It’s just as bad as Cena saying racist bullshit to Rocky. It really is.
Buy a Team Teddy shirt and wear it to every wrestling show you go to in the future. Thanks in advance.
When the WWE sees Eve wrestle, do they see something the rest of mankind does not? Because I have yet to see her put on a match that could even be called “competent”. And yet Beth Phoenix has been reduced to near-Perry Saturn levels of irrelevance so that talentless Eve can be pushed to the moon.
Does that make Natalya Moppy? And the Diva’s Title Terri Runnels?
Moppy never farted.
I don’t know—you have to hand it to a girl who holds a side slam pick-up pose for 5 seconds while Kelly Kelly saunters around the ring before hitting her Whirlybird.
It’s really sad to look at the women’s talent they have- Natty, Beth, AJ, Kharma- and that they could bring back or bring in – Mickie, SDR, Rachel Summerlyn, Layla, Melina, hell even Molly- and see that they’re persisting with the fucking Bellas, Eve and K2 (who has gotten somewhat better, but still can’t run) as the main faces of the Divas division.
On that note, they could have Natalya dropping her fantastic Sharpshooter on AJ at some point in the night, but we’re much more likely to see the Rock’s awful one.
Although I guess it wasn’t too long ago that they’d devote 8 minutes to a Women’s Title match on Raw and have the announcers put the damn thing over. Where did we go wrong? Was it the Claire’s belt?
Your work embiggens my heart. Thanks for another great week.
“You would just watch f**king ‘Passions’* “instead, right?
*CHIKARA is ‘Passions’ in this analogy.”
Second PAGE and I’m laughing hysterically. You hyper-literate sumbitch, you…
Brandon, Love these reports. Highlight of my Tuesday. Thanks for all your hard work, and keep Rhodesing it each and every week.
Thanks, Ron Swanson!
Top 10!! YES! YES!! YES!!!
Brandon, just wanted to say that it’d be rad (heh, rad) to cross paths with The Best In The With Leather at ROH or WrestleFestMania, or f*** it even the Marlins v Yankees game, because damned if I don’t love baseball, expensive gaudy new stadiums and pretzels.
ROH will definitely be the easiest place to find me. Let’s do a thing.
Brandon, if I can paraphrase your final Best: I’m going to go have the best f’n weekend ever. Wrestlemania and Opening Day at a brand new park? You son of a bitch…
You should do more TRAVELING and LESS WHININ’.
But no, unfortunately the Marlins game isn’t opening day, it’s an exhibition game against the Yankees. I think actual opening day is the 4th. Regardless, “holy shit baseball”.
Surprised to see Daniel Bryan classified as True Neutral…not only would Zapp Branigan disapprove, but since the turn I thought he was more lawful evil. The letter of the rules, but not their intent, etc.
Daniel Bryan was born with a heart full of neutrality.
Now before his wrestlemania match, D-Bry has to cut a promo saying “If I don’t survive, tell AJ I said, ‘hello’”
“I met her in a club down in old Soho,
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,
C-O-L-A .. .Cola.
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance,
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, ‘AJ!’”
“Thank you for AJ
Those endless As, those sacred Js you gave me
I’m thinking of AJ
I won’t forget a single one, believe me
I bless D-Bry
I bless the Bry that kicks your head, believe me
And though you’re vegan
You’re D-Bry every single day, believe me”
“Jumping purple balls to the face.” Just when I thought I’d never read anything funnier than “jumping dick to the face.”
I’ll read this tonight when I have more time and have watched Monday Raw. . . Is Kelly Kelly going for a space alien gimmick? She looks so. . . unnatural. It’s almost as if she’s trying to look like a space alien from Mars. . . Although, if this brings the return of Max Moon, I could get behind this freakish look.
In conclusion, my 4 month crush of K2 is over.
I like to pretend that the build up for everything thus far is one huge, elaborate April Fool’s joke. Triple H will walk out, spit water at everyone, then head to the back so Jericho can wrestle Undie in a match referencing his seemingly forgotten need to be better than Shawn Michaels that makes way more sense than “I’m doing it because I’m Triple H.”
The Rock will raise the microphone to his lips, pause, then shout ‘SIKE! Here’s Stone Cold, the actual best of the era I like to claim for my own. Lates!’
Then the Colony shows up, wreaks ant-clad havoc, then laugh as Brodie Lee delivers a spine-crushing running sitout power bomb to Randy Orton for no reason other than lulz.
Okay…I may have gone a little far on that last one, but jesus, look at the card. Let a girl dream goddamnit.
Either way, can’t wait to meet you at ‘Mania (or potentially ROH) and deliver your Otunga mug!
I’m excited to meet you as well, and to fill that bad boy up with coffee at least 15 times over the weekend.
If The Colony shows up at ‘Mania I will take my shirt off.
Any commenters out there in New York planning to watch ‘Mania at a bar? I’m in lower Brooklyn and will probably see if any of the chain restaurants at Atlantic Terminal will be showing it. Would be nice to meet up with some of the rest of you if we’re going to be throwing away 4 hours on a weekend!
How can I watch Wrestlemania on the interwebs without paying for it?
I think you were too hard on the Rock/Cena segment.I actually liked the last Cena/Rock interaction before ‘Mania. The Rock said something meaningful for once and Cena trolled his haters while pandering to his fans, which was hilarious. It’s as close to heel Cena as we’ll ever get. Most importantly, I actually believed that Cena believes in what he is saying, which deserves a best. Dwayne Johnson imitating the Rock can just go away.
The other main matches for mania hype deserves a worse. I get why Cena/Rock don’t come to blows before Mania.The other feuds have no excuse.
Sheamus has got to be the least hyped Rumble Winner in history. Why should I care that he wins? What has he done except become Teddy’s answer to a heel stepping on Long’s toes? What do we know about face Sheamus except that he’s really white?
Taker/HHH and Jericho/Punk should have had more physical interaction. We have seen all 4 fight eachother in the past. We know what we are getting. How hard would it be for Trips to get tombstoned by Taker, or Taker squash a jobber in 2 seconds, only for Trips to hit a pedigree and count to 3? Or have them meet in the middle of the ring and come to blows and HBK getting “hurt” causing turmoil between him and Yrips?
Punk’s mom’s flaw should be that she used to be a Jerichoholic. Thus, it’s in Punk’s DNA to become addicted to booze or something.
Finally, how come Zack Ryder on youtube is far more entertaining thanZack Ryder on Raw? It’s like they are two different characters.
“Sheamus has got to be the least hyped Rumble Winner in history. Why should I care that he wins? What has he done except become Teddy’s answer to a heel stepping on Long’s toes? What do we know about face Sheamus except that he’s really white?”
Agreed. With all the other major matches having some major build up (whether or not we like THIS BUSINESS/Jericho’s “your mom” stuff/Rocky’s Catchphrase Emporium and Warehouse, located at 432 Rudypoo Avenue across from the Shut Your Mouth Juicebar), it’s disappointing to see how little legitimacy Sheamus has been given as a title contender the last few weeks. Then again, his loss in the tag match just makes me think he’s winning on Sunday, and there’s the whole “Royal Rumble winner wins at Wrestlemania” thing that’s happened almost every year since 2000.
“Finally, how come Zack Ryder on youtube is far more entertaining than Zack Ryder on Raw? It’s like they are two different characters.”
Because Zach Ryder on Youtube isn’t being a wrestler. He’s being a funny caricature and making videos about pretty much whatever he wants. But then everyone thought it would be a good idea to get him on the show more, and we found out that he can’t wrestle or cut a promo.
Remember how everyone saw the trailer for Snakes on a Plane and lost their s*** and swore it was going to be the best movie ever? And then they went to see Snakes on a Plane and wondered what the hell they were so excited about? That’s Zach Ryder.
Faulty analogy!
Everyone thought “Snakes On a Plane” was the best movie title ever, and had fun making jokes about b-movies and Samuel L Jackson and “I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane”, etc. The company that made the movie thought they could turn the LOLz into ticket sales by embracing them and putting that line into the actual movie, but they were wrong cause nobody actually wanted to go out and see it.
@Lester: Bullshit. I saw SoaP on opening night. Only movie I’ve ever done that with, because I want Hollywood to make fun and strange movies, and not super-serial explodey action “blockbusters.”
@CB: I think it’s also because the WWE thinks that only the parts they can put on a shirt are worth emphasizing. If they took the reins off of Zach and had him doing more than being Kane Crash Test Dummy and clunky accessory to whatever they’re trying to do with the worst female “wrestler” they have on staff, he could probably make that character work- the Jersey Shore/Long Island stereotype is perfect for a dick tweener like Rock at his peak.
It’s also kind of important that Ryder got over -in the ring- in an extended program with Swaggler, who can both get guys over- as Brandon has pointed out, with Dolph, the Rough Ryder actually looks like a leg lariat, and not the teabag of doom. Perhaps a program with D-Bry after Sheamus wins the Hwt. Title might make Ryder a better worker- the “wrestling logic” that Bryan’s already figured out the RR could force Zach to develop more offense. But that would mean that the WWE operates on any sort of logic.
You going to see it on opening night doesn’t make that bullshit, Keith. You’re obviously an exception, since that movie bombed at the box office.
If your issue is with a literal interpretation of my use of “everyone” and “nobody”, then I concede, I guess.
@Lester: Sorry, forgot to close my pedantry tag. Oops.
Am I the only one who is exceptionally uncomfortable watching the AJ/Bryan thing? As a woman who grew up in a household where my father abused my mother, it gives me chills. The way Bryan’s character is treating AJ is very much like my dad and mom. The belittling, the insults, the demeaning, the allusions to sex to a crowd of people. It’s the kind of public humiliation that accompanies the physical abuse that you don’t see. I really don’t like this angle. The sooner it’s over, the better.
Well, at least it’s not an extension of a real life abusive relationship, like Macho Man/Elizabeth was. Still, that must be awful. The worst angles are the ones where instead of wanting to see the heel get his comeuppance or whatever, it’s just really unpleasant to watch at all, i.e. any time Vince McMahon interacted with Trish, ever.
Agreed on the first and second point :)
Well as it seems Bryan is no longer dating AJ in real life, and is instead hanging out with one of the Bellas, (not sure which, not sure it matters), I would think they will let the storyline fade out after he looses to Sheamus.
If they wanted to make it an actual good angle, though, they could have kept AJ in the ring, given her a title shot and win against Beth at Mania, and then have D-Bry either unable to enjoy AJ’s accomplishments due to losing to Sheamus and being too wrapped up in his shit, or being overzealous in helping AJ retain, getting her a bunch of DQ losses in the process.
@Keith
I think that’s where they’re already headed. For the last couple of weeks that boy right there D Bryan has gotten AJ wins against the Bellas for the stated reason of getting her a Divas title match at some point.
I guess the Maria Menounos stuff is more important to WWE for the celebrity Wrestlemania rub they crave so much this time of year.
Thanks for the multiple plugs for the Hot Tag podcast! Apparently you’ve got some loyal fans as our iTunes subscriptions have seen a nice bump. Welcome, new listeners! :)
For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure CHIKARA is “Passions” in EVERY analogy.
So if WWE is All My Children and CHIKARA is Passions… what is Ring Ka King and/or TNA. I know THESTINGER won’t let me down on this one ;)
Yeah the little touches each wrestler is making are amazing. Otunga’s baby tee for the win.
Dammit, I want to see the Yankees play in Miami on Sunday! SO jealous of you right now…
Every time these dudes get all up in each other’s face and breathing heavy, I just think they’re going to start making out.
Cody Rhodes on Twitter: “We’re about to go see Hunger Games. Big Show, April 1st, may the odds be ever in your favour.”
Is it possible to +Rhodes Cody Rhodes? He’s already 100% Rhodes… Gonna have to ponder on this.
What is +Rhodes as a percentage anyway? 100% seems a little over generous, one witty comment alone does not mean you are at the same level of epic as Cody Rhodes himself. Hmm… I think we’ll need a scientific theorem on this.
God, I hope they don’t bury him. He was the bright spot in the show for me.
Cody loses the IC title to get pushed to WHC contender.
Punk versus Cody? I can’t even. That’d be my shit right there.
Personally I liked that Cenas strongest argument for why he’s gonna win on wrestlemania is because he’s always booked strong. Genre-savvy wrestlers are the best!
Wrestlemania 30: Undertaker vs David Otunga. ’Taker slips on spilt coffee, dies, and is pinned by Otunga, who then absorbs his powers. Streak over, and the birth of The Otungataker, Wrestling Deadman Lawyer, is witnessed by all. You heard it here first.
I’m officially relegating the show to the background, but I can’t wait to see what your review has! Enjoy Miami- Channel 7 had the Miz on the other day, so hopefully the WWE crew is out and about!
Welp, the Hornswoggle/Leprechaun movie is a thing that is happening. Does WWE really make money from these things?