Best: David Otunga And The Tiniest Shirt In History
We talked about this at length on the Wear The Cheese podcast, but My Twitter Lawyer David Otunga’s total mangling of the incredible and hopefully available for sale Team Johnny team t-shirt was amazing and the best Best of Raw. Two things:
1. He cut it so small that it looked like a bib.
2. He cut it so small that it wasn’t even clothing anymore, and if he was gonna cut it like that he should’ve just cut out Johnny’s head and taped it to the middle of his chest.
I think my favorite part is that while the shirt was so small, his jacket was still SO BIG. It’s like when people try to be sexy in movies and wear lingerie with a trench coat over it, but with threatening muscularity. Teddy Long should wear that exact same t-shirt to Wrestlemania.
Worst: Flag Fail
Another thing we pointed out was how badly done the “Team” flags were put together … if you want a flag to wave, you have to leave a space open in the middle, you can’t just print it out on banner paper and staple the entire side to a stick. You’d think a company jingoistic enough to do flag matches on the reg for the last 40 years would know how to put one together and not leave Vickie standing there looking like she’s got no hand-eye coordination.
Worst: Team Teddy Vs. Team Teddy Johnny At Elimination Pay-Per-View
The match itself gets a Best, oddly enough — the rivalry between Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw Mr. John Laurinaitis and Peanut Head has been consistent and allowed to grow better than any Mania feud not involving Cody Rhodes in the last month. The teams aren’t the greatest (Team Teddy could be defeated in total with one well-timed distraction and looks like that section of guys in Fire Pro you scroll by trying to find Kenta Kobashi), but the story makes sense for both the guys on the teams and their namesakes, and there are actual things at stake.
The worst comes from a flub that even I can’t justify. The Miz saved John Laurinaitis from being Cobra’d, and after weeks of trying to get on one the Wrestlemania card Miz gets greeted with a CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF TEAM TEDDY and has to sell it as exciting even though f**king Johnny doesn’t know if Team Johnny or Team Teddy is the one he’s running. That’s … not good.
Maybe next week he’ll get Otunga to sue WWE for making the team names too confusing, and at Extreme Rules we’ll see Team Me vs. Team Him.
Best: Maria Menounos Being Injured Opens The Door For Wrestlers To Be On The Wrestling Show
From US Weekly:
No amount of pain could stop Maria Menounos from showing off her new moves!
Despite suffering a minor rib injury during rehearsals, the Extra host, 33, and pro partner Derek Hough, 26, wowed judges with their Bonnie and Clyde inspired quickstep on Dancing With the Stars Monday. “Injury or not, I’m going to be a tough Greek and I’m going to kick some [butt]!” Menounos said prior to their performance.
I really hope this injury is a work so we can get 10 minutes of heat out of Menounos with her ribs taped up like Diamond Dallas Page. I also hope that where it says [butt] she said “f**king ass”.
The best case scenario would be a Nathan Jones rewrite where a few segments into Mania we jump backstage to find Maria “unconscious” and Kelly has to go it alone, so Kelly stinkface and K2′s her way through 15 minutes of handicap match beatdown before Menounos reappears like so much Hulk Hogan on her way to bodyslam so much King Kong Bundy and saves the day. Better yet, Kharma replaces her and Maria Menounos dies on the way back to her home planet.
Worst: Madonna? Since When
Madonna’s spoken word (?) effort “Girl Gone Wild” was thanked for being the Official Theme Song of Wrestlemania 28. Did I black out during a ‘Fairly Legal’ commercial and miss six weeks of that being common knowledge?
What’re they even gonna use it for, the graphics bumpers for the Maria Menounos match? Does a 33-year old TV host smiling and saying “heh I’m gonna show you some movez” constitute “going wild”? The last time a girl legitimately “went wild” in WWE, Mickie James was kidnapping people and jamming her fingers into Trish’s vagina to keep from being bulldogged.
They should license out ‘This Used To Be My Playground’ and play it when The Rock loses.