Worst: The Rock Concert
"The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/12/12 Is Definitely Attitudinal"
Good show indeed.
You’re sitting in Section Homicide? That’s pretty brutal, B Dawg.
Homicide section would be 187
I know this isn’t the Open Discussion Thread but, +1 to Brandon!
This is off topic, but I just thought of this… For your wrestling gifs page, a gif of show screaming bloody murder and backing towards the ropes after Henry “broke his leg” would be amazing.
The Day After RAW: thoughts from a Cat with a Tie.
Rock Concert < Cena Rap < With Leather Daddies Rap Funkasaurus sighting: Es la respuesta de mis oraciones! It IS! And just to set the record straight, me & THESTINGER are not the same person, he's an orange human and I am clearly a black Mexican cat wearing a tie…or AM I !?
My friends and I used to go to OVW every week when it was connected to WWE, and I know it’s subjective, but Poorly Rapping Thug Cena is a waaay better character than Prototype. However, Prototype was a better wrestler.
Only on the first page, but: NAS flow, not nice flow. Come on man, know you rap lyrics!
I know my lyrics! I’m just a typo monster sometimes.
*sits in an empty arena*
One of these days….I’ll make it into the top ten….Until I do…it won’t mean anything….
*slow wash to black screen*
Awesome job Brandon. You had some great excerpts to choose from, and finally a RAW to go with them.
I chose the MLS over the Rock concert. I regret nothing.
Likewise. As soon as he came out I switched to the Portland/Philly match.
Brodus coming back was AMAZING.
Booker T sells Brodus the best, tends to get all the announcers involved.
LULZ at the Mark Price jersey. The only former Cav less “street” than Price is current ESPN NASCAR analyst Brad Daugherty.
Wellll, what Michaels was saying could be construed as ironic from a certain point of view. The “irony” that he gets one more shot to end the streak and won’t even be facing Taker in a match, but is also the man who Taker feels “just can’t get the job done”..no? Well I dunno, Alanis Morrisette thought coming across a spoon in her cutlery drawer when she just wanted a knife was ironic so go figure.
Also, if D Bry is gonna have some mustard in Cleveland, why would he opt for yellow over stadium? That would be the most foolish of decisions.
Because Quicken Loans Arena food is the worst, and yellow mustard is indicative of that.
You obviously haven’t been to the Q recently, Brandon. They have Quaker Steak & Lube and a mini-B Spot now. (B Spot being a restaurant founded by Michael Symon of “Iron Chef” fame, for those of you not from Cleveland.)
Of course, you don’t eat meat, so neither of these are very appealing to you. But they’re both pretty damn good for arena food, I’ll tell you that much.
B Spot being a restaurant where you can pay $12 for a tiny burger that doesn’t even come with french fries
Regarding the booing of Vickie Guerrero over daylight savings—I was actually in attendance last night, and none of us had any fucking clue what she even said after “EXCUSE ME.” The entire building just turned on her the second they heard her voice, and I doubt that no more than 10-15% of the crowd even heard her DST remark. (I didn’t until I watched my DVR this morning.)
What’s the conversion rate of Bison Dollars to Wrestlemania Dollars?
The Punk/alcohol thing could work if they make him the “riches to rags” face like they did DDP.
A) I just want you to know someone reading your column gets and appreciates the Excel Saga jokes. B) And on that note, I think you could make a plausible argument that Santino = Menchi. Adorable comic relief kept around by the stars whenever they need something to eat/beat the shit out of? It’s perfectly logical.
Best: Kane Is The F**king Worst At Mind Games <– That whole section made me cry-laugh, well done sir!
This is spot-on. Also, Kane seems more like the type of person who just communicates through fire blasting. He was just trying to give Orton a heads-up that he was still on for their dinner plans.
Me too. Holy fuck that was funny. Absurd Kane problems are the best.
You know something is bad in wrestling when Chris Benoit’s ruined legacy is compared to it.
Why did Brodus drop the mid-match call outs? “Should I get him?” and “My bad!” were my favorite things about his character. Why don’t more WWE wrestlers yell things out in general? Does Chris Jericho hold the trademark?
He did three moves and was in the ring for < 30 seconds. There was no such thing as "mid-match."
I am SO bored by the Rock. And all this hating women and lady parts and all that pisses me off. Maybe because I’m 6 month pregnant and think my lady parts are AWESOME but it’s just not cool. Speaking of my baby, loved what you said about you and your dad. My little girl is marinating in so much wrestling that hopefully she’ll like it when she comes out.
I know why you didn’t like the Rock segment, but the comparison to RAAAAAAAANDY from Funny People is somewhat misrepresented, as Randy actually had some funny jokes, they were just all about getting laid. Also, I’m a bit partial because I know Aziz and my brother directed the FunnyorDie bits for the character.
Every time you make an Excel Saga joke in a B/W, you get all of my current stock of +Rhodes
Page 7 made me laugh and laugh and then Page 8 summed up my feelings about the whole segment. Great job, Brandon.
I honestly think the best way to summarise the Rock is that if Santino had done that segment, it would have made more contextual sense and been better and funnier. This is how low Dwayne has sunk. He never actually attempts to communicate on any sort of deep level( even relative to depth of WWE promos). It’s just sad to watch. I legitimately want Cena to Attitudinal Adjust him and send him back to doing Journey 3: Any Way you want It so that he doesn’t ruin my mental image I had of him any further.
Objective truth: if you are still on the side of The Rock, please note how John Cena has the ability to memorize and successfully recite his shitty lyrics. The Rock is confronted with some obviously pre-written parody lyrics to like four lines of a Queen song, and he stammers like a group of five drunk girls who put in “Wannabe” at the karaoke booth after their sixth round. You know why? Because he didn’t practice. You know why? Because he doesn’t give a shit. You know why? Because he actually doesn’t give two shits about lame-ass wrestling fans. He hates you. Yes, you – The Rock fan reading this. Stop liking him.
“That’s not ironic. It’s just coincidental.” Great job as always.
um, it is Daylight Saving Time, not Savings
Can’t remember Punk ever looking vulnerable
Also, the Rock thing. I thought it was mildly amusing, certainly not awful. And I’m not A) Someone who just laughs at funny words or B) Laughing because I’m a bit Rock mark and I’m supposed to. Nothing you say about it is untrue, and yet it can still be kinda funny anyway. You know? It’s like snickering through a Police Academy movie or something. That being said, he has been pretty much owned by Cena last couple of weeks. I think it’s a shame Rock didn’t come back “Hollywood asshole” heel tbh.
I agree with this completely.
Jeff is a dick.
The best part is I know a Jeff that’s working on Wrestlemania, so I’m hoping he’ll act that out for us at the show.
I am recovering from hernia surgery and it hurts to laugh or cough. You made me envision Kane eating a hoagie. My surgical wound hurts now.
Kane getting mad at jeff for not understanding his attack plans made me cry with laughter. So the entire undertaker family are now just a bunch of spoiled teenagers? Since Kane and randy seem to communicate through attacks, I assumed the ring fire was a giant middle finger or something.
What’s it going to take to make the Rock take this seriously? It’s so frustrating to see him show up each week just straight-up PANDERING to a crowd who already worships him. What’s he got to gain by getting all fan-service nice-guy on ‘em? Where’s the cockiness? Where’s the anger? Where’s the *energy*?
For a second I thought I was reading the Weezer boards. :)
This. A million times this. That’s exactly what’s ruining what should be the biggest match in a very long time…Rock is putting this match over like a guy who doesn’t give a flying fuck how it ends because win or lose, he goes back to Hollywood and his giant pile of money with many naked ladies…because that’s exactly what he is.
Psych > Raw.
I’m crossing my fingers hardcore that Otunga draws up the contract for the GM vs. GM match and puts in a loophole that makes him the manager.
I literally blew snot all over myself from laughing at the Kane vs Jeff part. Excellent as always, Mr S.
PS – Thanks for +1′ing me Destiny, even though it’s all your fault Undertaker/Shawnblahblahblahthisbusiness.
Worst: Rock Has No Idea Freddie Mercury Was Gay, Does He
Technically, he was bisexual
1) Melt is the best. I dont think they may many vegan options, but their salads are pretty excellent so the scene would work. 2) Is “Extinction Meteor Splash” too long a name for WWE Brodus? Or perfect for a bizzaro world Chikara Brodus?
I’d call it the Chicxulub Crater, but then, no one else would get the joke.
Just “The Extinction Event” would work.
The Kane/Jeff section made me realize how awesome if they transformed Kane’s character into Killface. He could spend time developing elaborate video packages to torture Cena or what not only to find that he only has a direct mail order campaigns to harass him. Also, Cena as Xander Crews would be TREMENDOUS.
Extinction Level Event would be a good name, just to get a Busta Rhymes reference.
Also, the Frisky Dingo homage would have to go far enough for Ryder to become Broski X.
The commentary on the Explain GTV sign made me crack up hard.
Anyone else wondering if the Rock is reviewing his old bits and tapes, studying them intently to find out how to play “The Rock” like he’s going to be doing a TNT biopic? Watching the Cleveland Sucks video, seeing how easy it seemed for him to be that character we all know and love, just makes me think that Dwayne Johnson just doesn’t know how to be that guy anymore and is doing some… well, terrible acting.
So is “he’s doing the same old thing!” the new smark rallying cry against popular wrestlers they don’t like? Because literally every wrestler does the same thing every week with slight variations.
Also, I hate to get too technical here, but not an ounce of Photoshop was used in that Cena/Teletubbies picture.
Can we even call that a PhotoShop joke? None of the photos were altered. They just slapped three pictures and some mathematical symbols on a purple gradient. It’s so much lazier than a PhotoShop joke. It’s more like a “Microsoft Publisher 2010 joke”.
I’m glad I didn’t watch! This is always much better than actually watching anyway.
Not to be a dick, but how is this and any wrestling news on a sports blog?
“Not to be a dick” is the equivalent of “I’m not trying to be racist BUUUUUUUT…”
So…you know…mission failed.
Don’t ask “How?” Glazed. Instead, try reading it, maybe you’ll end up liking it. Embrace The Pro Graps!
Because we aren’t a sports blog, we’re a sports comedy blog, and anything tangentially associated to sports is fair game — world records, swimsuit models, etc. Wrestling is pretend sports and I know a lot about it, so I write about it.
I thought for sure that Brandon would comment on the fact that CM Punk is also selling this feud on his Twitter feed — “I don’t want any sympathy. Save it for Chris.”
Of course this is nothing new; he was half-kayfabe tweeting about Cena all last summer, but I like that he’s doing it.
It’s also way more interesting than Zack Ryder whining on Twitter that Eve stood him up last night.
Real world example of those jokes is Dane Cook. All he does is jump around and make silly noises
Never write the N word in your column again or I stop reading
You’re aware that I’m just transcribing song lyrics there as a joke, right? I’m not openly suggesting that John Cena call CM Punk the n-word.
As a very white dude who listens to lots of Wu Tang I can’t even bring myself to say that word when I’m alone in the car having a good time as I listen to Wu.
Not that everyone should reflect my personal discomfort with that word, but I think very reasonable people can be very reasonably upset by the use of it even if it’s done as a quote for “teh jokes”.
“As a very white dude” is such a lame excuse. Things like that have always seemed to me like the person is saying “Look, I know raps are for the black folks, but I like it, too!” I’m white, but I’m not ‘too white to like rap’ or anything of the sort.
Also, I feel that if the word is in the song, it shouldn’t be an issue for anybody to recite the lyrics. If it’s a personal thing, that’s fine. I don’t like fuck songs, or dudes talking about “beatin’ that pussy up” and so on, so I just skip those tracks.
Do we need to confer with The Smoking Section for a ruling on this, though?
I think you were reading more than I intended.
I am white. I listen to lots of rap. I like to sing along with said rap. Partially because I am “a very white dude” I do not feel comfortable saying that word even in private and even when it is part of a song lyric.
That’s a personal detail, but I feel such details are important as they ultimately color our impression on these bigger issues. Had I not spent middle school in Norfolk I would likely not be a fan of rap, but there you go.
My bigger points are 1) I don’t expect everyone to adhere to my personal feelings on such issues, 2) that very reasonable people can be very reasonably upset at usage of that word regardless of the context, and 3) rap and Langston Hughes and WEB DuBois is for all people and I do not feel the need to excuse my fondness for any of those anymore than I feel the need to excuse my love of professional wrestling, Chomsky, or Cormac McCarthy.
I’m often guilty of such things. Chalk it up to severe, prolonged, habitual doofusness on my part, THESTINGER.
And ugh, I guess people are allowed to get offended at things, but ugh, they really should just share my views and opinions. It would make things a lot easier.
Why is this on a sports blog?
Same reason why Kate Upton, Dog Shows, World Record Attempts & Kobayashi are. They’re AWESOME!
Did you really need to leave this in multiple?
GLAZED AND CONFUSED, AM I RIGHT YOU GUYS?
What is a sports?
Did you guys know wrestling isn’t even real? It’s fake, in fact! >=(
“It’s still real to me dammit!” -Loser
You spelt my screen name wrong!
That T-Rex comment had me laughing all day at school.
Makes me hope that one day D-Bry & Brodus will form an epic Funky tag team. A Dragon is kinda like a Dinosaur anyways, right? RIGHT!?
Can Vegans eat Funyuns?
No, they’re made with milk.
The guy from the Where’s Randy Savage tumblr was at the show last night and had a giant Macho printout, I didn’t catch it last night though.
And speaking of Macho, [doomsdayattire.storenvy.com] …gotta thank TH at the Wrestling Blog for bringing this gem to my attention.
Cool shirt, bro.
Yes, because I was pretending to be comedian. :/
Troll so hard. That sh*t cray.
Don’t worry, Glazed. I was able to transition from “obnoxious gimmick account” to “obnoxious guy who spams the thread with poorly written wrestling thoughts” and I have faith you can do the same!
Thanks ‘The Stinger’, I doubt I’ll ever live up to your level of anything. For that, I’m grateful.
NWO BLACK AND WHITE SAY THEY 4 LIFE BUT NWO RED AND BLACK IS 4-EVER!
I hope the Adventures of Kane and Jeff the Sound Guy becomes a weekly thing. If not in the column than in your WWE Creative run.
Also, thanks for sharing that wonderful Yahoo answers exchange.
I like to imagine Kane trying to eat the hoagie while wearing the welders mask. Also – while I truly appreciate the mention in the top 10, I feel like my comment does not stack up to the other 9 great lines.
Also – I did a literal spit-take at that Kane line. And not a Kardashian literal either. Slow clap to you Brandon!
me too,I join your slow clap
There could have been a top 50 comments from last night. It was that good. Open threads make shitty Raws tolerable, good Raws great, and the Rock concert… well, it was needed catharsis.
So what’s on tap for next week’s Raw (which I may go to? Maybe?)? Cena/Rock Posedown challenge?
At this point I would mark for a hurricane hitting Miami April 1st.
It’ll be nothing like Warrior-Rick Rude from the ’89 Rumble…
If I can be honest for a minute, The Rock didn’t make me laugh, but your paraphrasing of “6. John Cena is gay and likes buttsex” made me laugh. I’m not ashamed.
I just want to say that PSYCH is a really fun little show with a fun and silly formula but all the actors on it make it really great.
There’s also multiple episodes where they get really excited about wrestling stuff, like James Roday and Dule Hill’s annual Royal Rumble viewing. John Cena shows up a couple times as a Black Ops guy who NEVER GIVES UP, which is going to be quickly overshadowed by the Miz as a reality show contestant.
I agree man, Psych is one of two shows I watch with any regularity. The other? Warehouse 13, so maybe I am not the nest judge of good tv shows.
Neither of those shows are The Wire. Are you sure you don’t just endlessly rewatch The Wire while getting upset at your wife for watching NCIS?
jesus, the wires been over For 4 years. Omar’s dead. Get over it
I’m up there with you on the Psych fandom. That looks like one of the 5 most fun shows to be a part of the cast for. (for the record, the other four are Parks, Community, Bob’s Burgers (acceptable because they record ‘live,’ unlike Archer, where the cast each runs their lines alone), and Happy Endings).
I also like Psych, and was hoping James Roday would purposefully announce Miz and Punk as “H.R. Puffinstuff” and “M.C. Clap Yo Hands”, just because.
More gold. More gold.
Rock did mail it in, though. A lounge/piano bar act at an arena show?
It was great to see the Funkasaurus return as well.
I thought Beth Phoenix’s dress was atrocious. Also, don’t judge me for that.
And “How is a Babby Roode formed” was the best.
Really? Because I thought Beth looked pretty great.
I dunno…I’m kinda with both of you. Beth herself did look good…but I don’t understand what that dress was supposed to do for her except look utterly ridiculous on a woman that should be going around destroying women like Eve like they were pimples on the Diva’s division’s left asscheek.
The 12 Angry Men reference is, thus far, my favorite esoteric joke of yours. Surprised no one caught it.
I was a bigger fan of the HIMYM reference, and more surprised that no one caught that. But I guess most people on this forum are already monitoring the thread when that show is on, so it’s a wash.
I caught it, He_A_Ton, but I wasn’t sure how to respond to it, since I couldn’t tell if Brandon was referencing the show, or openly mocking it. haha
You are right Brandon, I didn’t read your Rock section… Because I thought the concert was terrible and didn’t want to relive that pain again. On a completely unrelated note, I want Kofi Kingston and R Truth to become tag team partners. Then, maybe they can set it up so my new favorite talker does the talking, and my favorite wrestler to watch will do the wrestling.
I’m assuming UT cause he bald with goatee and Bourne cause he’s an addict? #WaltNJesse
and tiny and stupid, yes
I liked Shameus/Zigs. I liked that Zigs sold a kick-out, and not a big man throw you one, just the shoulders one.
Brodus Clay’s splash>>>>Henry’s.
Looks like I missed a good Live Discussion Thread last night. Had a long day and was too mentally exhausted to keep up with you guys.
Fun read as always, B-Stro. Have fun at SXSW!
Let’s play the blame game….The Chris Rock part at the end is pretty good.
So is the Rock the monkey pissing in his own mouth or is that the Attitudinally Era’d collective? I think it could be both.
Can we fantasy book the rest of WWE Pictures Presents – 12 Angry Superstars?
Racist juror #10 = Big Show, obviously. But to me, the most important choice is who gets the role of juror #2, since the ’57 version had Piglet in that part.
Christian would work pretty well in that role.
The UFC sometimes cuts to commercial in between rounds of fights (Especially on a tape-delay show, like past seasons of TUF), and sometimes, that B-league promotion, Bellator, will cut to commercial with like five seconds left in a round.
Okay, I’m going to stop being afraid and comment.
I liked most of the show. Pretty much all except the Rock Concert. You summed up my feelings about it perfectly. The thing that I thought made Cena’s “rap” better was the fact that he sounded angry, like he wanted to beat someone in a fight. The Rock just made jokes and played to the crowd. People complain about how Cena smiles too much and doesn’t seem to take things seriously, but that’s exactly what I saw from the Rock at the end of this show. He wasn’t selling a fight, he was selling a book of insult jokes.
And a pretty shoddy one at that.
After weeks of reading whilst also pestering brandon on twitter i’ve finally gathered the courage to register and comment. Some weeks I laugh so hard I think I’m going to break a rib.
Also, where does Truman Show John Cena fall into the heirarchy?
I made it to the top 10! My life has been validated.
The worst part about this show was me falling asleep during Taker/HBK, which caused me to not understand all the irony jokes in the open thread.
I have reached the mountaintop and it is wondrous! I was a little sidetracked during the end of the show and it seems my DVR did me a favor and stopped recording right after the Rock wrapped up his first song. Even TV recording robots were not amused by the Rock’s shenanigans.
My gripes: the WWE is entirely clueless as to what “rap” consists of, and the “Rock Concert” sucked. I liked almost everything in between, especially when there were wrestling matches. I like that they still throw a few in there, like how MTV occasionally remembers to play a video at 4am between reruns of “Jersey Shore” and “I Was A Teenage Pregnant”.
I made it in the top 10! Granted I was merely name-dropped and had no productional value to the comment, but YES! YES! YES! YES! (makes out with AJ) YESSSSSSSSSSSS
I’m posting just because my avatar is finally up.
The Rock was worse in concert than Justin Bieber. Bring back Hollywood Dickhead Rock. Forget this “striving for 50/50 crowd” bullshit.
Good Lord, if this is their idea of “striving for 50/50″, they’re doing an even shittier job of it than usual.
Mark Henry is the Ice-T to David Otunga’s Christopher Meloni.
When was the last time the IC title was defended?
Next week we need to get George Takei on raw to explain to rock and cena that there’s better ways to sort out their differences than calling eachother gay.
Been reading since the Summer of Punk, and I think it’s safe to say this made me laugh harder than anything I’ve ever read:
“They should’ve jumped backstage to Kane at the catering table with like half a hoagie in his mouth, looking off to the side and saying “wait, was that my fire music” with his mouth full. And then a few minutes later we see him roll up to the production guy and be all “what the f**k, Jeff” and Jeff is all “sorry Kane, Orton was about to leave, I thought you were gonna run out and attack him”. And Kane just throws his hands up, barks “GOD Jeff, you never understand my plans” and storms away.”
Just…wow. That’s fantastic. Congrats, and keep it up.
Should be noted that it’s funny because it makes total f*cking sense.
Yeah, that was definitely my favorite part of an all-around awesome report as well. I was reading this during my lunch break and all of my co-workers turned and looked at me as I tried to choke off the laughter that came to me unbidden.
I’m confused. Does Kane also want to lose three pounds?
I think Jeff is my new favorite fictional WWE employee, replacing “Charismatic Ted DiBiase Jr.”.
Why does it feel like Bryanson is in an abusive relationship with AJ? And who is the abuser?
Storyline a month from now: AJ was “using” him.
Oh God, Brandon, why do you have to go and bring up Melt. Just bring up bleeping B Spot while you’re at it.*
*I sympathize that you do not get to enjoy B Spot.
I also enjoy that your 2-part question about Callie Thorne involved 1-part statement: having sex with Thorne.
So w/r/t to rapping, John Cena = Jean Ralphio?
Brandon, you’re the wrestling man, but the rap commentary is a bit off. Cena’s making words rhyme, but he’s always done what more contemporary battlers do. In these days, acapella battling replaced your typical song formats so the lyrics don’t get outshined by the beat. It’s no longer what you know from 8 Mile.
Also, I think the flow is evident. Speed it up and put it to a beat and the only thing that will change is his cadence. His bars might actually work if fitted into a standard boom bap.
So the best part of the open thread were people writing down Paramore lyrics through the Undertaker/HBK segment. It made my entire evening.
Jericho was great, but damn that dumb haircut distracts me.
I guess I’m in the minority, but, I actually liked Raw (minus the Rock’s crap and the HBK/Taker fromage). Two good matches and the return of Funkasaurus AND Otunga being named the Captain of Team Excitement is pretty sweet.
As for the Rock, fuck him. I hope Cena sqashes him in under 10 minutes to open the show, followed by Big Johnny future endeavoring the Rock. If anyone on the current roster showed up more than once unprepared for their tv time, they’d be fired. I can’t even imagine how big a payday the Rock is going to get. It’s bullshit.
I’ve been onboard with you, Brandon, about The Rock most of the time, but I have to be honest and say I enjoyed The Rock Concert despite the fact that the points you made were legitimate. I enjoyed it up until he completely BUTCHERED Queen’s We Will Rock You. That part was cringe worthy.
I love this community of weird, funny people that read and comment on this blog. It’s incredibly heartening to see not one person making the “Hey, man…lighten up! It’s just wrestling!” argument about that 25-minute wankfest that ended the show.
I mentioned it in reply to another poster’s comment, but I think it bears repeating – what’s absolutely destroying Rock/Cena and keeping it from being the biggest match maybe since Hogan/Warrior is that Rock is putting this match over like a guy who honestly doesn’t care whether he wins or loses – either way, he goes back to his mansion to sleep with many naked ladies on a gigantic pile of money.