Hulk Hogan, one of the people in the world I’m guessing you’d least like to see naked, is about to release a sex tape. According to the Hulkster it was a set-up, and by the time the video is released we’ll learn that not only did this mystery brunette set him up, she was paid-off to break his legs.
Hulk says the tape was “secretly filmed” without his permission — and now his lawyer’s on the rampage … claiming, “We will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability.”
Because Hulk Hogan has never told the truth once in his entire life, the tape is now in the hands of Vivid Entertainment, the same gentle folks who released ‘Backdoor To Chyna’.
Yesterday I shared with you a list of ten jokes to help you cope with the news, and thanks to the growing community of hilarious wrestling fans who read my Best And Worst Of WWE columns, here are ten more.
1. Burnsy: “Does he cut holes in the back of the condom wrapper to make it easier to tear open?”
2. mrejr8234: “Just when Hulk was gonna give the money shot he stopped and got dressed and told the lady she wasn’t ready to carry the load and finished himself off in the bathroom.”
3. TheRealMSol: “Turns out he has long blond pubes on the side of his dick, but the top is completely bald”
4. Homo_Erectus: “Does taking viagra and yelling “oh god, oh god, oh god” count as saying your prayers and taking your vitamins?”
5. brotz13: “When she kicks him out of bed, does she receive a booty call moments later from Mr. America?”
6. FunkyWarmMedina: “When he cums crashing down, does she hurt insiiiiide?”
7. PixelDrop: “Hope she was using a Bubba the Love Sponge.”
And now, a few jokes with hilarious video explanations.
8. Another from TheRealMSol: “It’s gonna be a Yappapi Indian strap-on match!”
9. Mighty914: “He finishes her with the finger poke of doom.”
10. The Next Steve Blackman: “*Hulk crashes through the bedroom door*
Hulk: AHHHHH *points at girl* IT’S NOT HOT”
The Giant attacks Hulk Hogan in the Dungeon of… by Stinger1981
That’s probably the funniest segment in wrestling history. It’s also probably got worse writing than the sex tape.
Feel free to add your own Hogan sex tape joke below. Chances are, we could do this daily until the video is released and never run out of material.
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What a weird way for Garrett Bischoff to learn about the birds and bees.
+1
What if Hulk really DOES have a 24 inch python?
I wonder if they’ll ever release a recorded phone conversation of Hulk saying he screwed the girl into a coma, but she deserved it because she was a negative person.
#6 is the clear winner.
thank you sir!
Looks like Hulk Hogan has traded in saying your prayers and eating your vitamins for remembering your safe word and taking your viagra.
The part that no one expected is when a mummy-bandaged Amazon-of-woman jumps on Hulk mid-hump and bones him with a strap-on.
does he call his dick “The Big Boot” because it’s curved really weird?
Turns out the meat truck in Minneapolis was actually a male-escort ring that Bischoff managed.
Hogan would tell you he just likes it missionary, truth is he can’t stand the woman to be on top for more than two seconds.
Hopefully it’s realistic and he’s fucking John Graziano’s lifeless body.
I’ll actually watch it if he holds his python out and strums it like a guitar.
Whoever ends up winning the bidding war for this tape has to be disappointed that “Pastamania” already exists.
Of course it was recorded without him knowing. Dude’s been scared shitless of cameras ever since King of the Ring 1993.
Excellent.
+1
+100
The running commentary is quite superb, especially when Mark Madden exclaims “She’s sucked the pole!” and Tony Schiavone responds with “She really did! She really sucked the pole!”
This one’s really obscure, so here’s context. [youtu.be]
his condoms are tiny bandanas.
Now I know what he means when he refers to the “millions of Little Hulksters.”
This was all just a publicity stunt to sell more pasta.
This is still less embarassing than “Mr. Nanny.”
“I KNEW YOU HAD JEALOUS EYES!” – Randy Savage, entering the room 45 minutes into the video.
It’s really awkward at the beginning of the tape, when Nash, Hall and Syxx come into the bedroom and point back towards the door.
(alt)
I was on board until he tagged out to Mr. T.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Dixie Carter a brunette?
Oh man, I should have watched the whole Yappapi promo, almost everything he says works in horrifying context
When Hogan tries to finish prematurely, Bret Hart runs in and pushes the face-painted brunette back on top of him.
Unfortunately for the girl, Hulk learned his best moves from The Ye-taaaaay!!!
or, if you prefer…
If you honestly think, Linda…If you honestly believe, that I was just the right gay guy, at the right place, at the right time…And you know somethin’, I had sex with you…I had a…I had…(Linda looking befuddled)…You know what I say right now, Linda, we settle this, because I had sex with a random brunette a couple of weeks ago, and you were the one I wanted to get in the bed. You were the one I was supposed to have sex with a couple of week ago. You say you’re a woman, well I say prove it, Linda! Get in this bed with me right here tonight!
Hogan “finger pokes” some chick as u hear Schiavone in the background tell people that on the other porn channel Traci Lords is winning the Gangbang championship and with a sarcastic tone “that will make guys wack off”
that was good, man!
Mean Gene afterwards: “Put that cigarette out!”
There’s a Mean Gene/”Fuck it!” joke in here somewhere.
I need to hear commentary in the background from Schiavone yelling “That was the greatest cumshot in the history of our sport!!”
Building off my pubes joke from yesterday (#3)…
…”and he dies the pubes on his balls black”
well done.
I hope Dave ‘The Redneck’ Schultz knows about this story. No more going to San Francisco looking for a women and finding a lot of men that look like women and insinuating Hulk would enjoy that. In your face Redneck!!
Looks like Hulk finally got that WHOA-MUN.
/this was awesome, by the way.
Hopefully the soundtrack is provided by The Wrestling Boot Band. And for the ladies, the softcore edit uses the instrumental version of “Hulkster in Heaven” because MMMPH fuckin’ romance!
The tape will ultimately be a disappointment, because while the brunette wanted to put on a real technical bedroom clinic, Hulk only knows one position.
This is just going to result in Jim Hellwig releasing a long pissy rant about how he got the girl screaming louder, but Vivid’s backstage politics got him blackballed.
The bonus commentary is just Mike Tenay completely miscalling positions.
No wonder he debuted his new finisher, the Hogan third leg drop.
Troy Aikman is going to appear in the video and start telling us that Hulk got this prostitute at Rent a Center for a mere 10 bucks a day!!
The video is actually Hogan getting caught having sex with Sharmell. #insertbookertreactionhere
WHUTDAHAYLE???
Hulk Hogan… We comin’ fo’ you nigga!
Thank you Tigre, for saying what needed to be said.
…………. you got ta be KIDDIN ME
Calling this the “Hulk Hogan sex tape” really spoils the surprise ending. He only shows up inexplicably at the end after Bret Hart gets something in his eyes.
All of these jokes about Hulk Hogan’s sex tape has brought joy to a super crappy day.
On a more serious note, I would like to wish my Precious Childhood Memories the best of luck in their future endeavors.
The problem with seeing this post later on in the day, is that the one or two decent jokes I came up with were already posted. So, I’ll go with this one:
Before going down on the brunette, Hogan will proudly announce that “Thunderlips is here and in the flesh, baby!”
No, not yet. Not for the meatball. I’m not done with her yet. If I can’t break your spirit, I sure enough can break your hymen!
Hulk calls this position the “Macho Man’s Career” because he completely and thoroughly fucks it.
God, did I ever laugh at this. Well played.
OH GOOD GOD that third video is amazing.
I want to see the Ultimate Warrior’s reaction to it
I bet after he cums first, he takes his belt off of the nightstand and just hands it to her.
I believe him when he says he was set up. Why would he want his steroid-strangled 2″ third python exposed to the world?