Last we checked in with our favorite 47-year old Twitterbug, Jose Canseco, he was declaring his intentions to track down the diabolical fiends who were conspiring against his desire to play professional baseball in Mexico by making up bogus rumors that he tested positive for PEDs. So did Canseco end up getting to the bottom of that? Well, yeah, because it turns out he indeed took testosterone, and he admitted that to the league’s El Presidente and that’s why he was banned. Huge conspiracy, bro.

Or maybe Canseco’s lack of effort in finding the real killers conspirators is just a matter of being distracted, as the overnight news of Magic Johnson being a part of the group that just purchased the Los Angeles Dodgers for $2.5 billion suddenly made Canseco eager to prove that he can still perform at the Major League level.

Sadly, even as Canseco’s Twitter hugs to his haters are still delightfully fun, this tired dream of his has grown overly pathetic, as it’s less puppy begging for food and more old, juiced-up dude begging for work. Fortunately, Canseco also reached out to another iconic “sports” figure recently, and this is more of a job opportunity that I could completely endorse.

I completely endorse the idea of Canseco and Scott Steiner having a Mesh Vs. Chain Mail match. In fact, I think I’d have a stroke of pure joy watching Canseco try to cut promos. But these job inquiries are just yesterday’s and today’s old news, because tomorrow Canseco will put on his scientist cap and presumably save the world.

Eat your heart out, Al Gore. Nevermind. Gore’s apparently dead.

I guess I need to brush up on my news more.