Tonight, the fallout from the fallout continues on the road we’ve already started traveling toward Wrestlemania (I don’t know how they classify this) continues! Last week saw a ton of great wrestling, the return of the Undertaker to challenge Triple H for a three-peat at Wrestlemania and the firing (?) of Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw and Dynamic Dude and Awesome Person John Laurinaitis. What’s on tap for tonight? We can only guarantee two things:
1. a Funkasaurus
2. almost 40 seconds of him
- This week’s poll:
- As always, your comments and shares are awesome and appreciated. We’re building a great little community of people who like wrestling but aren’t total sociopathic a-holes here, and you’re more or less giving me a reason to keep watching. I love that about you.
- Remember, my ten favorite comments from tonight’s open thread will be featured in tomorrow’s Best and Worst report. Keep ‘em coming.
- p.s. what did you think of the Super Bowl? Did the halftime show remind you of Wrestlemania 9? Discuss.
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And yes, I post in a blast on Tuesday morning because I’m too cheap to buy a laptop and participate in the live Open Thread goodness.
(*cough* and my wife made me watch “Smash” for the last hour of Raw last night)
Was flipping channels during the Super Bowl halftime show, so I missed it until today – Cee-Lo broke out his Summer Slam sparkly wizard robe for the halftime show!!
Which begs the question…is that just Cee-Lo’s usual Sunday outfit?
I think “HHH randomly quotes 80′s metal songs” needs to be a weekly thing.
“It’s like a wise man once said, Undertaker…heaven isn’t too far away…”
BIG JOHNNY LIVES!! BIG JOHNNY LIVES!!
So I’m in Ireland, watching Raw at 8 a.m. after a good nights drinking (so excuse any spelling/grammar errors) and decided to check with leather while watching as I’ve enjoyed it in the short time I’ve been reading it. I started watching wwe again around November for the first time in around 10 years and you have definitely increased my enjoyment of it. I hadn’t commented (because of not having much to say) or shared (because I’m sort of embarrassed to still be watching wrestling) up until now but you saying that this community was part of why you keep watching has inspired me to at least comment more often so here goes nothing.
1 That HHH bit took waaaay too long just to say no.
2 This whole Daniel Bryan heel arc thing annoys the shit out of me. Maybe because I watched some ROH in my time off WWE and enjoyed watching him wrestle. Maybe just because it’s shit. Also what’s with ad breaks during matches, I know it happens all the time, but really? Is the wrestling of that little importance to your show?
3 Seamus beating Otunga around the ring was fun.
4 I would love to see Seamus get into an elimination chamber match, win, and then unite the belts at wrestlemania.
5 That Jericho/Punk bit was ok I suppose. I enjoyed him telling everyone he trolled them (maybe just becasue I like saying Jeritroll). I don’t think a lot of the crowd would have got Punk retrolling him otherwise. At least Punk didn’t make it go on too much longer by not saying anything.
6 Cody & Barrett V Orton & Khali sounds like it could be a decent tag match. Seeing them in the ring just reminded me that I fell asleep during Orton V Barrett on smackdown, what happened? I’m giving up with the numbers now because my typing has caught up with my viewing. Sorry. Not a great tag match but I’m looking forward to the elimination chamber seeing as I’ve never seen one. Recommendation for one to watch? OH MY GOD shut up about twitter. We know what it is. Those who care are there. That Cena shit was boring but I suppose they gotta keep talking about him V Rock. Hopefully this means there won’t be a stupid Cena/Kane/Ryder/Eve 20 minutes tonight. I’m sure someones said it before but with Wrestlemania being on April 1st wouldn’t it be great if Rock V Cena ended with a punch K.O.? Another Divas 4 V 4? Really? Have you ran out of options for divas matches? Or ways to set up Kane/Eve situations? Hurry up and have Kharma fight Beth. Hehehe tittytag. Ok maybe Beth/Kharma/Tamina/Eve at wrestlemania? They can probably make that an ok match right? I’m delighted to hear HBK will be back but do WWE have that little faith in they’re current roster that they have to bring back Rock HHH Kane Jericho Taker and HBK in this short a space of time? Are they really trying to make this wrestlemania THE BEST EVER? Did they just show the same taker promo twice? Can someone make an edited version of Raw and Smackdown every week, cut down to maybe 50 minutes? I’d like to see Jericho wrestle tonight. Fingers crossed. Again this match has potential (and 10 minutes) to be awesome but what are the chances? I lol’d at Miz selling the double crossline early. Glad we got the obligiitory 3+ man superplex. Jericho winning by 5 man count out would have been great. Him putting his legs on the rope when he didn’t have to was ok. Oh there’s Kane. Because we’d forgotten about that story.
Well sorry for the lack of structure there, I need sleep more than I need to edit this, good night everyone.
Am I right in thinking there were no ‘Bests’ tonight? That this RAW was one of the worst shows ever? Not that anything went catastrophically wrong, but it was… so… boring. The ONLY things I enjoyed even briefly were Sheamus beating up Otunga, Beth chest-slapping the shit out of a Bella, Tamina’s Superfly Splash, and Punk’s silent treatment of Jericho. If only the entire show could’ve been condensed into 10 minutes of entertainment, I would’ve been much happier.
In fairness, I largely tuned out by the last match, so maybe it was awesome and I was just too stunned from the preceding bore-fest to notice.
I cannot understand, and would love for someone to explain to me, why Eve is featured so much. Does she have enormous fan support that I am unaware of? Is she that popular? Is she so beloved by WWE writers and management that they will do anything to put her on TV? I do not get it.
Twitter brings us a much-belated Best:
@WadeBarrett Wade Barrett (12:20 AM EST)
If people keep telling me how much they hate my new music, i’ll change it. I REALLY respect the opinion of other people.
@WadeBarrett Wade Barrett (12:21 AM EST)
I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than hear End of Days again.
wow. That’s awesome.
AJ looks like nothing but a victim of Stockholm Syndrome next to Daniel Vegan Bryan.
Holy crap! That was the most effective promo that Punk has given in months! He didn’t call Jericho a fag or a woman. He just offered his title as proof of his claim.
By the way, I kept hoping against hope that Jericho was going to say something about KENTA when he started talking about what an unoriginal liar Punk was.
It’s funny how Michael Cole now says “oh no” whenever the Great Khali comes out, because that’s what I say too, albeit for completely different reasons.
Racist
I’m afraid of Indians too. I poop my pants every time I watch Ring Ka King.
All of Sheamus’ matches are impromptu and unscheduled. This can only lead to him forgetting to pick a champion to challenge at Wrestlemania. Dumb foreigner.
Understandable worst for the shot of the apathetic crowd after the Divas’ match. Was someone in the production truck trying to send a message? “This is what pointless 8-Diva tag matches does to the WWE Universe(tm)!” I’m slowly getting behind Tamina as a meaningful opponent for Beth. I reserve the right to revoke my enthusiasm if and when Tamina displays any booty popping or booty popping-like behavior.
Did Otunga have a huge, Iron Sheik, erection?
So Undertaker wants a rematch because he won?
Funkasaurus badge. Coming soon to a diva match near you.
between Kelly Kelly off-screen and Eve on-screen, the entire WWE Roster are rapidly becoming Eskimo Brothers
Wait, so was that the music Wade won on NXT Season One?
A Winner Is You!
That show was terrible from beginning to end. I can’t think of anything that would encourage me to order a pay per view. I really can’t think of anything that would encourage me to watch next week, except that I am a total sucker and I have a fast forward button.
“Hey, get your balls out of the Whambulance!” CM Punk to Kane after the Cena/Kane amatch at the Elimination Chamber
I vote for accepting Vegan Cake Badges. Also, I can’t believe that we didn’t receive guaranteed Funkasaurus. Tonight was pretty much the shits.
Actual tag team competing tonight (courtesy of the Superstars taping results):
JTG and Michael McGillicutty.
There is no punchline.
“competing” was the punchline.
I like the idea of McGillicutty being the Bull Buchanan to JTG’s Cena.
The Do-Rags?
The more I think about it, the more I like it. Backstage segments would be gold. JTG just goes off on a 2 minute rant in WWE’s version of ebonics and stereotypical black-speak, and McGillicutty just looks at him and goes “…what?”
Hey Brandon, still waiting on that Vegan Cake for everyone.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we will accept Vegan Cake Badges.
Screw the badge, I want cake.
YOU WILL TAKE A BADGE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT
Yes sir, thank you sir.
Rumors that Ron Simmons is going to go into the HoF this year too. I weep at having missed out on a Ron Simmons video package on this show.
Man I watched the video of when he won the WCW title off of Vader the other day. The crowd pop is nuts its pretty awesome. People were FREAKING out. Worth watching.
Should Carl Edwards fear Kane now?
I hope next week Kane shows up and yells, “I REALLY DID IT. I DID. I SCREWED HER BRAINS OUT!”
Bonus points if Eve come out with him all Gothed out and talking about “embracing darkness” and other Hot Topic t-shirt slogans.
I’m on board for a Hot Topic goth Eve.
I have really bad taste in women.
Parasite Eve?
“Oh no! Eve’s mitochondria has gone haywire!”
Breaking: WWE Diva Breaks Nose
[www.wrestlinginc.com]
Don’t worry, it was only Eve.
You guys make Raw awesome. On Monday nights, you’re my alcohol replacement.
True Story:
Jake Howell has a life time supply of Best from me for that Downton Abbey/Cody Rhodes comment from earlier.
Greatest comment of all time as far as I am concerned.
I still need to watch Downton Abbey. Still haven’t seen any of it.
It’s like Gosford Park the tv show. And also crack. It’s a lot like crack.
More importantly, Cody DOES look exactly like the evil servant. Right down to the facial tics. So thank you Jake for that one.
Thank you! And yes, it’s one of the best shows on TV. Definitely worth watching.
Now that Livewire is over, what time does RAW come on?
Is anyone else afraid the Funkasaurus is no longer in captivity?
Real Talk: If Triple H were to guaran-damn-tee that he would never show his face on television again but the price that the Funkasaurus would no longer appear on television, would we accept this deal?
Too early for a heel turn.
How about Triple H goes away indefinitely at the cost of nothing, Funksaurus continues to be awesome, we get D’Lo Brown back, Khali is launched into space, the WWE forgets that Hornswoggle exists, CM Punk returns to being the guy we all know and love while remaining over with the WWE Universe, Mom buys us an icecream cake for our birthday and we all get to be happy?
I’d prefer that.
As much as I love me some Funkasaurus, I would make that deal in a heartbeat. Sacrifice for the greater good.
I want you guys to know that I would trade ANYTHING to get D’Lo Brown back.
Unless that trade involves watching TNA.
You say that but you aren’t watching the Impact Zone, now are you?
Hell no.
The Impact Zone? Is that like the inferior, non-Bollywood version of Ring Ka King?
TNA still has Bubba Dudley doing crazy eyes and being awesome. It’s been surprisingly watchable the last few weeks.
The Impact Zone is the inferior version of Nitro except everybody is older and Kurt Angle looks emaciated.
I have heard that Bully Ray is KILLING it lately, makes me wanna check it out but I don’t know if my brain can handle another wrestling show right now.
Well I think it’s fair to say that all of you were the best part of Raw tonight. So thanks for being the small silver lining.
Agreed.
The people here and Brandon’s writeups are always the best part of watching these shows. With Leather is the vegan mashed potatoes and Raw, when it’s good, is the vegan gravy.
Isn’t Vegan Gravy the name of UltraMantis Black’s band?
Funkasaurus versus Damien Sandow was a dark match, apparently.
Tonight’s Raw left me with only one unanswered question: Is it Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, or Journey To the Mysterious Island?
Every Kane/Eve promo, abridged:
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JUST THE TIP!
YES!!
“Yeah Moe, that RAW sure did suck last night. It just plain sucked. I’ve seen RAWs suck before, but that was the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”
oh and I timed the divas match since the bell rang
[i41.tinypic.com]
true story
On a more serious note, why is Eve playing the Eve role instead of Kelly Kelly? At least, people care about Kelly Kelly. Even the staunchest Eve supporters are at most mildly indifferent.
Because how unrealistic the WWE is Kelly Kelly is NOT slumming it up with Zack Ryder.
I challenge your assertion that people care about Kelly Kelly.
*no matter how unrealistic.
Derp.
Fair points for both of you.
Kelly Kelly has vacant doll eyes. She’s empty inside and doesn’t understand what emoting is. If that were her in that segment with Kane instead of Eve, she probably would have been smiling and intermittently holding a non-existent championship up over her head before her arm gets tired, completely unaware that Kane was even there.
Alternatively, she would have done that Pterodactyl screech she does for 4 minutes straight.
Chewy-
So if Kane were to stare into K2′s eyes and see the dark void of nothingness behind them would he run out screaming in terror, bellowing that “he has not known true darkness until right now!”
Because that would be the best shit ever.
And then Undertaker passes on his gimmick to K2 and instead of getting Tombstones and Pedigrees at ‘Mania, we get Pedigrees and Rocker Droppers. Glorious Rocker Droppers.
I’ve always assumed that WWE cameramen are like the toothless hillbilly in Deliverance. They just stand around cheering that shit on.
Dude, they’re just professionals. Or maybe the camermen are from National Geographic and won’t step in to stop anything they document in their field work?
Maybe the WWE only hires television crew that lacks empathy so they can document the horrific things the talent does without feeling the need to get involved. Sort of like a bunch of reality television producers…
I always get disappointed in the medium distance shots in promos and stuff that show the Camera guy walking right alongside the talent. I prefer to imagine them as THESTINGER asserted: guys who spend months hanging out in a box, just for the chance to film the Bird of Paradise do that sweet mating dance. And to heartbreakingly watch that cold hearted bitch female Bird of Paradise be unmoved and fly away.
Every Kane/Eve Promo, abridged:
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The only thing that could have made this Kane/Even segment more awkward is if Heidenreich showed up and read a poem.
True story: we were out buying MrsTHESTINGER a new car tonight and it was running late and I was getting anxious about getting back in time to watch Raw and talk with you guys. So, at the end they’re trying to sell us gap coverage and all that other bullshit and I quickly realize saying no would mean I would get another half hour of lecturing about how much we need it.
So, I ended up splurging on the “Silver Package” so we could get the fuck out of there and get home in time for rasslin’. Even still we got home late and Raw ended up sucking. This Raw literally cost $900. Assholes.
I hope the car has a TV, with which to watch video packages.
……..
No, but MrsTHESTINGER can voice activate her phone through it and it has a moon roof. And the salesman said the color matched her eyes. Ugh, I feel so dirty.
And a +1 for Downbound…
Best.
Hopefully, the writers also feel like they just got raped by a car salesman.
Can you relate this story via video package?
Did the salesman pensively stare at the Silver Package challenging you to take him up on his offer?
Your car salesman sounds familiar. Did he mention anything about ‘embracing the hate’ in his sales pitch by chance?
I hope someone is shitting in Miz’s gym bag for not catching Truth.
^That wasn’t suppose to go there. I’m a moron. Carry on.
Actually, the salesman was just some sad dude in his late 40s. He was trying to be personable and friendly but I just so very badly wanted him to shutup. I didn’t want to hear him talk about how he was stabbed in NYC or hung out in the red light district in Paris. It was awful.
MrsTHESTINGER loves her car, though, so whatevs.
Hey Kane, remember when Triple H simu-raped your ex-girlfriend/murder victim? Now would be a good time to destroy him.
The WWE: Where Rape Happens
Well, where it doesn’t happen, but it is strongly insinuated, but if you say it happens, that’s YOUR HANG UP, MAN.
Tiffany Amber Theissen ! Totally made up for Kane: Analrapist
I swear HHH reads With Leather. What other reason could they have to not schedule the Funkasaur other than to kill Brandon’s guarantee?
I can totally picture HHH sitting in front of a computer with tears streaming from his eyes: “You don’t think I’m cool?! Well, how about instead of the Funksaurus, I give you a show where literally nothing happens! NYEH”
Before clacking away on the keyboard with a tiny sledgehammer, all the while Steph stands in the background and wishes it had been Hunter who ate the cheese pizza and not Test.
Kane would never, ever rape Eve. It’s all about the implication, that’s all.
If only they were on a boat.
I feel sorry for Brandon the most.
Yeah Brandon, if you want to just submit a one page column tomorrow that just says:
WORST: Just about everything.
We’ll understand.
Why doesn’t Eve just say, “I’m Zack Ryder’s girlfriend! I DON’T EVEN HANG OUT WITH CENA!” (instead of “I’m calling the cops” or “why won’t you camera guys ever help me?”)
“I’ve actually been blaming Cena for all of these problems! He’s a dick, go kick his ass”
Chuck Lorre isn’t the only guy that can make inappropriate rape-tinged elements of programming a Monday night staple it seems.
Looks like you were wrong, Brandon. You should have made it a Paul Anka guarantee.
I cracked up really hard reading that.
I could really go for a video package recap of this episode right now.
Kane vs. Himself at Wrestlemania
So now they’re going to rip-off Monty Python’s “Colin ‘Bomber’ Harris vs. Colin ‘Bomber’ Harris”?