Photo credit: WWE.com
Photo of John Cena Attitudinally Ajudsting Kane at the top of the world’s tallest building instead of FROM the world’s tallest building not related.
On tonight’s show: Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and (Still!) Interim General Manager Of Raw Mr. John Laurinaitis brings on some guy named Shawn Michaels to deliver a message to Triple H. What that message will be, and whether or not Shawn will superkick a moose upon delivering it, remains to be seen.
- Poll of the week: The Raw discussion threads and Best And Worst reports have created a nice little community of wrestling fans at With Leather, so here’s my question … if I presented a similar open discussion thread for Smackdown, would you participate? Pros are “Daniel Bryan is on it more” and “more time to talk to your Internet wrestling fans”. Cons are “taped show” and “shouldn’t we be doing something better on a Friday night?”
- Yes, I have seen that pic of David Otunga at the Grammys. Yes, it is going to be its own Best tomorrow.
- That thing where you have to reload the page to see the comments that’ve been added is being addressed by our tech guy, and should (should) be resolved by next week’s thread. Sorry. I appreciate your clicking, though.
- Secondary poll question: Are we gonna get the Funkasaurus tonight, or are we supposed to forget he exists?
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So, my friend Chris sat behind Cole, and you can see it best right around where Kofi kicks Jericho at the end of the debate, but he had a Boo Thad sign, and I think it’s great, because the story behind that is 8 years old now…lol.
“Hi, Eve. I just want to wish you a Happy Valen- ARE YOU SERIOUS, HO!?!?”
I can’t wait for the gifs today. I’m gonna play Yakkety Sax over and over while watching every last one of them.
Just wanted to say that sadly I am unable to watch RAW live & comment with you guys on Mondays. But every Tuesday I come back to read everything that you guys post and it is gold! Thank you all for making wrestling 1000x more entertaining and fun, keep up the great work everyone!
i can’t be the only person who’s ever thought that kofi kingston has the weirdest pecs ever. they look like two tennis balls on the sides of his ribs when he flexes.
also, i felt like a proud papa watching shawn michaels go through puberty last night.
OHMYGOD. That’s hilarious. My friend Andrew has been bitching for MONTHS about Kofi’s weird pecs. It’s become a running gag every PPV when we’re watching. At the Rumble, every time the buzzer went, we yelled “It’s Kofi’s pecs!”
On a less whiny and self-righteous topic:
FUCKIN’ CRUTCHES: HOW DO THEY WORK?!?
I wonder if the Funkasaurus is just a big troll as well. Sort of like when Matt Sydal was Matt Sydal one week on ECW and came back a week or two later with the exact same ring gear and look but a new name. Next week, he’ll come back with the Vader gimmick, go for 3-4 weeks, leave, then a month later, he’ll come back with a “Love Machine” gimmick. Because why the fuck not.
So if All Of This That You Can See will belong to HHH one day, does that make him Simba? I spent far too long last night trying to work this out. Funkasaurus is Pumba, Santino is Timon. I guess this makes Stephanie Nala, but that seems too easy. And Taker isn’t really Scar. This all works much better with John Cena. And I’m sad.
I have to say – I waited a bit before posting anything about this because I wanted to be sure that Cena throwing up the “X” during the final segment wasn’t a legit thing, BUT…if the intention of that was to make the angle seem “more real” to us rubes at home, then FUCK YOU, John.
Right now, there’s a 22 year-old kid in a hospital room with a fractured vertebra waiting to see if today’s the day he’s gonna get feeling back in his legs – and that shit happened 24 hours before your little stunt, John. Go ask Jesse Sorenson about the “X”. See if he thinks it should be a part of a storyline.
Better yet, go ask Darren Drozdov if he’s OK with there being the slightest bit of confusion about whether or not somebody’s actually hurt when the “X” goes up.
I’m not somebody who’s naturally predisposed to disliking John Cena, but that really pissed me off. Rant over.
I honestly don’t remember if there were Owen Voices(tm) or not. By that point the show had run so far off the rails that I don’t recall much of anything about it other than the Jackass jokes on here.
The “Owen Voices” ™ don’t really bother me all that much, because the announcers have a job to do, and when the storyline is “wow, that guy’s pretty seriously hurt”, they don’t have many options but to sell it.
But to me, flashing the “X” is a bit like pulling the fire alarm – if you’re doing it and there’s no fire, whatever the reason, you’re an asshole.
Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. It just seems that the two often go together, so the linkage is pretty strongly forged in me as a viewer.
Agreed. I have a hard time with the whole “blurring the edges” between storyline real and REAL real (thanks, Russo, you prick). Every time they do it, images of dimwitted teenagers smashing fluorescent light tubes over each others’ heads in their back yards flash through my head.
I saw Mick Foley tweeted about that spot this morning, saying he thought it was too risky. MICK FOLEY. If Mick Foley says you’ve taken a spot too far, you need to check yourself.
All things considered, I suppose it could have been worse – when Ryder was in the wheelchair at the top of the ramp and Kane came on the ‘Tron to taunt Cena some more, I was pretty much expecting them to give Zack the ol’ “James Hetfield in Montreal” treatment.
THAT would have been the “Owen Voices” (TM) spot to end all.
So here’s what I see happening with Zack
1) Next week he shows up in a Capt. Pike style wheelchair where he can only communicate via beeps. 1 beep for Yes, 2 for No and 3 beeps for Woo,Woo,Woo
or
2) He goes full on Speedball and shows up in an all leather outfit complete with mask and covered in thorns. Emo Bro.
Then he’d be Penance, not Speedball. /outnerded
See he’s Speedball now, but after his big dive and being friend zone’d his big dark transformation is underway.
Dear Mr. Laurinaitis,
There are too many Chrises Jericho on your roster nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.
Sincerely,
Chris Jericho
That kiss was our generation’s barber shop window.
Et tu, John Cena?
So if wwe history is any indicator, eve will end up pregnant with john cenas baby, and then kane will make her have a miscarriage……….. or something
Or she’ll give birth to a slime-covered trucker hat.
I feel like it’s appropriate to mention that one of my friends offered to hit me in the back with a chair when we found out my wife was pregnant. I politely declined.
/Snitsky’d
Sorry I’m late. *AHEM*
“ARE YOU SERIOUS, HO?”
I went to the live show tonight, and it gave me an idea: Make a Money In The Bank Briefcase at home; bring it to next WWE event to counteract all the douchebags with title belts.
Never forget. Ever.
Just wait. His next theme is a Downstait’d version of Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.
Who hurt Ryder the most:
Cena – Stole girl he liked
Kane – Injured him leading to US Title loss, threw him off the ramp
Eve – Friend Zoned
I will be at the WWE Elimination Chamber PPV cause I rock and live in Milwaukee. I plan on starting a “YOU’RE A WHORE” chant when Eve shows up. Yay or nay?
whoops. that was suppose to be it’s own comment. but to reply to you, it’s Eve. Eve should of been up front and told Ryder he didn’t want him from the get go.
“Eve unlock the door”
The guy who decided to put Child Proof Locks on the rear ambulance door needs to examine the procedure at most local medical facilities
Wow, I thought the show was really good. The best competitors won pretty handily for the most part, and it was filled with enough drama and compelling story lines to hold my attention for the entire show and had me anxious for the commercial breaks to end so I could see the results of the hotly contested competitions.
I don’t really get the criticism that the internet has, honestly. Do they perform perfectly 100% of the time? Of course not. But we’re watching the best of the best at what they do, and almost all of them have beaten out 20, 30, sometimes even 50 other competitors to get to where they are.
That’s not to say that the show didn’t have any disappointing moments for me, though. Winston, the pug, got totally robbed.
Kane opening that ambulance door seemed like a shot strait out of MTV cribs. “Hi, I’m Kane. No, it’s not a weave, why would you ask that? Have you seen my ride? Peep, girl…”
I didn’t really get a chance to watch much tonight but I’m going to make a pledge right now for (my boy) Daniel Bryan, Asparagus and Brandon that if Daniel Bryan maintains his belt through Elimination Chamber I’ll go vegan until Wtestlemania. If (my boy) D-Bry retains through Wrestlemania I’ll keep it up until Summerslam. I’ll work from there. For serious.
On the one hand, I loved me the soap opera aspect of many of the Attitude Era angles.
On the other hand, wow, that was terrible.
I think Kane and Eve dragged the audience to hell.
The girl in the pink mask and matching iPhone brought some much needed gravitas to the splattering of Zack Ryder.
I was so worried that Eve wouldn’t make it out of the ambulance. After all, she can’t open doors.
This is a woman in the WWE. We’re lucky she doesn’t drown from staring at the rain falling.
Jericho: “Cena made out with Eve, AFTER I made out with a woman . . . Zack Ryder wore a neck cast AFTER I wore a cast . . . Kane drove an Ambulance AFTER I drove and Ambulance. EVERYONE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A BIG FAT PHONEY!”
Smash cut to Jericho standing in front of Titan Towers yelling at traffic: “HEY EVERYBODY! YOU KNOW WHO WORKS HERE A BUNCH OF PHONEYS! THAT’S RIGHT, BIG FAT PHONEYS!”
John Cena said this is all part of Kane’s plan. Was Kane’s plan to get Cena laid so maybe he would lighten up a bit? Good plan.
So what wrestler do I support?
You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, John Cena.
All this needs is Carl on the jumbotron: “Truly were an aqua teen hunger force”
They pre-empted the Westminster Dog Show for that?
CNBC you missed the Open Discussion Thread… Sadly lobster dog got tossed off a stage by a pit bull after catching this girl he liked liked (but she only liked him) sniffing the ass of the corgi
So what’d we learn tonight, kids?
I learned that, to Kane, arson and attempted murder are nothing compared to the ultimate crime: failing to put bros before hos.
Many pluses. Many many pluses.
Zack Ryder has been compromised to a permanent end.
And The Rock knew before anyone somehow!
Cena taking his shirt off to fight the crippled guy gets my vote for most hilarious segment of the night.
So what exactly would make Cena embrace the hate? Kane has already crippled his best friend and that fucker is NOT budging.
Yep, not suppose to go there..I’m terrible at life.
From the looks of the original post, interrupting a press conference on top of the tallest tower in the world
Thrown of a stage by a demon hellbent on getting your best friend to embrace the hate?.. Better Call Saul!
Oh God it’s still so long before Breaking Bad comes back. God damn it.
I just realized how easily we could turn this into a White Collar thread.
Kelly Kelly Kelly Kapowski
The good news you guys is that Ryder is gonna do great in next Jackass film.
*in the next Jackass film.
And ignore this comment because Vina beat me to it and made it funnier. Props.
That’s not Kane. That’s Jello Biafra under that mask.
Weird show, better than last week. 250 points on Viggle so it’s not all bad.
K: My name is Kane, and welcome to Jackass. This is the Wheelchair Dive.
Make it a running theme. Kane finds different wheeled things to push Zack off the stage in every week. Wheelchair, shopping cart, wheelbarrow, dolley cart, and just culminate with pushing his iron lung off a loading dock.
My name is Eve and this is the Moving Ambulance Jump.
This comment deserves both a best and a badge of its own.
That was a weird one you guys. I loved that last segment but I’m pretty sure it’s only because you lot are on fire tonight and had me laughing the whole time. Best: All of you.
Jesus Christ Zack! Pick a leg and stick with it!
What a horrifying show. Thanks for making it more bearable, commenters. I’ve loved reading all your comments and one-liners, and I’m gonna miss participating in this open thread every week.
Zack looks like a baby giraffe taking it’s first steps. :3
No, I don’t care if that emoticon diminishes my street cred.
I WATCH THE WIRE, MUTHAFUCKA
So that was kind of wild. A suck show that ended with that which was definitely something. I don’t know what to say overall.
“They changed Kane!”
“He’s better than ever!”
“Wait! He still embodies all the awful angles and matches he did before!”
“But he’s got a new mask.”
Kane cannot give (what appeared to be) a pre-taped promo to save his life. He sounded like he was reading to a Ron Paul delegation or something.
“Cena, you won’t be wrestling until WrestleMania because you’ll have to wait until you get your pennies together for medical treatment after Medicare is abolished. Sincerely, Mr. X”
Nice of him to make sure that even if he wants to destroy Cena’s body and soul, Kane plans to have him patched up in time for his money match at ‘Mania.
That was embracing the hate? I did more to pick up a technical foul in rec league basketball last week.
I don’t know what to make of that show. That was beyond strange. It was a bunch of funny little moments amidst an horrific, twisted Robitussin nightmare
So Ryder’s new gimmick is basically Officer Nordberg. I can get behind this.
“Hate John, Hate”
“Gee, I dunno Zach, that’s a pretty tall order”
Somebody mentuioned Nordberg earlier in the night, and I didn’t buy it solely because of Zack’s apparatus ( Zackarattus?). That last bit cemented him as a bonafide Nordberg, and I love every second he gets splatted now.
What Brie Bella was wearing had me thinking right away, Zap is going to fucking tear her apart.
Well, if I can’t have good, I’ll settle for hilarious.