Photo credit: WWE.com
Pre-show notes:
- Before you watch (or read about) tonight’s show, be sure to catch up with The Best And Worst Of WWE No Way Out 2007, our retro show report for February. Inside you’ll find basically-naked pictures of Ashley Massaro, a discussion on the difficulties of enjoying a post Baby Murderer Chris Benoit and a gif of Melina doing her splits entrance with her vagina hanging out. Fun for the whole family!
- Tweet this to people, share this on Facebook, “like” it, Google-Plus it incessantly. Somehow we’ve managed to build a community of hundreds of reasonably-minded wrestling fans who are funny as sh*t, and I know the people in your life with a tolerant opinion of pro wres would enjoy seeing it. Let’s work together to make this break repeatedly!
- Tonight’s massive, four match card:
Raw Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Championship
CM Punk © vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Kofi KingstonSmackdown Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Daniel Bryan © vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show vs. The Great Khali vs.Randy OrtonSantino MarellaAmbulance Match
John Cena (w/ Hate) vs. KaneWWE Divas Championship Match
Beth Phoenix © vs. Tamina sNUKA
- Poll time:
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wrestling-glamour-shots-31-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/SHIELD-180x180.png)
The ending was so damn lame, I half expected cena to jump in delight and freeze frame in mid air.
This, with a You Can’t See Me.
Where’d you get that mask? At the…toilet….store?
I spent the time I didn’t spend watching Eliminations Chamber last night dreaming up the perfect segment…the segment where they could blend ALL of the tropes they’ve been running into the ground lately into one perfect package.
Cena comes out – reminds us all that we paid our hard-earned money and can cheer him, boo him, or imagine him in frilly girls’ underwear. This brings out CM Punk, who makes a series of not-that-funny gay references. They are about to fight when…HOL’ ON A MINNIT, PLAYA!! – Teddy Long comes out to make a tag team match between Cena/Punk and Jericho and THIS MAN…Sheamus! Who wasn’t even scheduled to be here tonight!! WOW!
During the match, Zack Ryder’s music hits, which distracts Cena so badly that Jericho is able to roll him up for the cheap victory just as Ryder arrives at ringside – and is promptly run down by a city bus, driven by Kane.
After the commercial break, HHH comes out to talk for 20 minutes about how everything that just happened affects his match with ‘Taker at Wrestlemania. Jericho stands silently in the background, saying nothing.
*Fart noises*
The end.
Brilliant!
“Anything can happen in the WWE!!”
(untilwe’vegotyourmoneythenwe’lljustgiveyoumoreofthesameoldcrap)
i think a worst needs to go to michael cole shouting “nobody home!” three times in two minutes during the smackdown chamber.
Yeah this was my first time doing one of these and it made a very meh show, slightly less meh, so cheers guys.
@leemalonetv if you want to compare Booker-T-isms.
Anyway, off to dip things in the Wonderfall.
Was it a great ppv? No. Did I have fun watching it anyway? Yes.
@the stinger: You’re pretty lucky. There aren’t any bars around here that play WWE PPV’s. It would be awesome if they did.
You know, guys, it might be because I saw it at a bar full of amazingly funny people but I had a good time watching this. I was able to start “Kharma”, “Eugene”, and “Ron Paul Sucks” chants and it felt good. Even still, I missed all my homeboys here.
Thanks again, you guys. You’ve all made a positively terrible PPV far more bearable.
Seconded. You are all wonderful.
So I ended up watching this show… man, kinda wish I didn’t. There was no point to anything. Literally. Although I gotta admit, Santino was the bright spot of that show. I think WWE just made him a legit wrestler, if they wanted to go that route.
That was well booked. But part of me is sad that they wasted it on Santino, who I don’t see as having any potential. Obviously Kofi is on Raw, but he would have been an outstanding candidate to receive a bump like that. I would like to see what he could have done with a close call to the title like that, falling just short and then needing to reassess that he’s doing everything he can to win the belt.
New angle for Ryder. Zack is at the Doctor’s office:
Zack: So how’s my back, Bro? Am I cleared to compete?
Doctor: Zack I’m sorry to tell you this, but you appear to have a very large brain tumor.
Zack: Are you serious, bro?
Doctor: …Yes I’m serious. This is very serious, you’re going to die.
Zack: Woo Woo Woo!
Doctor: Yes about that, apparently the tumor has affected your cerebral cortex, which would explain your inability to talk in any form other then shouting woo and catchphrases.
Zack: You know it!
Don’t worry though, Boogeyman will eat the tumor out of his head and cure him
Wade Barrett: Fighting the Frizzies at 11
+1,000,000
Yes YES YES!
I don’t know about you guys but my favorite part was the farting
It’s all going down on RAW! LIVE!
Just wait for RAW tomorrow- it’s gonna change the WWE Universe!
I am officially a Santino nerd. Screw all of you.
This just confirms that John Cena is “Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat”, and every week he wrestles there’s a canal, or an inlet, or a fjord.
QUIET! I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY BAD MOUTHING OF THE BOAT!
Hey guys, I did other stuff tonight. Nothing too great, actually – watched Simpsons, did the dishes, walked the dogs. I mean, it was fine.
So…that was a good decision, yes?
Yes.
well, fuck.
All right, now that the feud with Kane’s done, Cena can move on to Mania to face Ryder. The storyline is set. Cena kissed and stole his crush. Ryder’s been beaten up, no thanks to Cena. This is going to be a good feu… hold on. What’s that? He’s not facing Ryder?! He’s facing The Rock. Then what’s the point of Ryder being Kane’s bitch for a month and Cupid’s bitch for a week. Oh, there was no point? WWE was just making up crap as they went along? OK, great.
So what does Kane do now? Try to get Kofi to embrace the hate?
He gets a WrestleMania payday in some lame Battle Royal, and then he retires.
Kane and Zack Ryder are gonna share a hospital room. Hilarity ensues
I smell a spin-off to Z! True Long Island Story!
All this time, Kane has been trying to get Cena to embrace the hate. But Zack will end up with hate practically pouring out of his full body cast
Kane and Zack Ryder in: Wheels and the Redman.
I’m gonna miss the weekly catastrophes of Zack Ryder.
I’d like it to see it become a recurring angle for him, regardless of Cena or Kane’s involvement. As someone pointed out last week, he should just become the Hans Moleman of WWE.
Otunga: (sips coffee) Come on, Zack, it’s time to go.
Ryder: (points to Funkasaurus) But he ate my last meal!
Funkasaurus: MY BAD! (dances out of room)
Otunga: Well, if that’s the worst that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky!
Ryder: Are you sure you’re allowed to execute people on national TV?
Otunga: From this point on, no talking.
Then for no reason, Sheamus runs in, screams “OY’LL FIGHT UM!” and Brogue Kicks Ryder’s face off.
So do we just forget this whole Kane/Cena/Ryder/Eve thing until after Mania or something?
i was thinking more like forget it forever
I was at least hoping they’d have the ambulance blow up or something as it left. Then Kane can emerge unscathed and we find out Eve/Ryder were in that ambulance. More interesting than whatever that crap was
At least it’s been a while since we’ve had to have a PPV end with Cena standing victoriously in the ring and everyone collectively MEHing about it.
“This melodramatic, two-month-long, multiple wrestler idioti-feud? Yeah… Not important, because CENA V ROCK.”
That fucking blew.
Good thing now is this feud is at a permanent end.
if there wasn’t 2 elimination chamber matches, this totally could have passed as an edition of RAW
Wait until they finally bring the first chamber match to Raw for some reason. Then this PPV will be even more worthless.
now I’m watching Boogie Nights. WIN!
Life’s Too Short is on HBO
If only the PPV had featured the Boogie Knights.
“Cena was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Zack Ryder, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world…He had no further intercourse with Kane…And so, as Zack Ryder observed, WOO WOO WOO!”
End of the Kane storyline.
awesome
Ahh sweet, wwe.com has the photo op of Henry, Christian, Del Rio and Big Johnny up on their website.
That photo is going to be covered in Cole’s semen as soon as he gets back to his hotel room.
Poor Miz. He not only lost his spot, he lost his psudo-homosexual, almost-erotic stalker in Cole.
Probably the most phoned-in Pay Per View in the past AAARRRGGGHHHH FUCK FUCK TITS FUCK!
[wwe.com] YOU ARE ALL WELCOME.
When Otunga’s twitpic is the only thing that happened on a PPV, that’s one shitty, shitty PPV.
It wasn’t even close really. It was Otunga’s pic, Bryan toying with Santino and then nothing else.
What about the fear that we might have entered into a timeline where Santino became World Champion?
And Dolph doing Chamber Crunches.
You know, maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing to put the “main event” of WrestleMania in a brutal match up. I can only imagine the last words Vince said to Kane:
“Remember the spots. Don’t forget the ending. Oh, by the way, if you hurt Cena so he can’t fight The Rock, I will END you!! Best of Luck.”
I was thinking about that all night. They avoided catastrophe for 1 months, and in his penultimate match before WM they put him in a gimmick match.
Wow. I was expecting something a little less lame for an ending. Seriously, how does this help Cena’s character at all? He comes out of this the exact same boring super man he ever was to face the Rock
It killed two months didn’t it?
Hes a boring superman who now has sex with eve
When that ambulance gets to the emergency room, the doctors are going to be pissed that the fire rapist inside is not injured in any way.
Elimination Chamber, or as the WWE calls it “HEY LOOGIT WRESTLEMANIA IN SIX WEEKS”
Vince had better do far better for Wrestlemania. FAR BETTER. This was such trash that I can’t begin to process it. My God, I think the final WCW pay-per-view might’ve been better.
let’s not talk crazy!
Jason Jett v. Kwee-Wee and I will shout it until my dying day
[en.wikipedia.org]
Honest to Christ, as bad as some of it looks on paper, I really feel like it just might have been more entertaining than most of this shit tonight.
Wow. they ended it with that??
That was a totally uninteresting end to a largely uninteresting PPV.
No fucking way. That’s it? And it finishes 15 minutes short?
PPVs usually end at about 10:45
Hey, what were they supposed to do? Natalya can only fart so much….
Wait, what the fuck was that?
The celebration soon turned to tragedy when the ambulance, on its way out of the arena, plowed over an unsuspecting Zack Ryder.
+1
+1
This should be bested tomorrow.
Really? That’s it?
Was that on purpose?
Hahahahaha no not at all! That’s great!
Really? That’s it?
I’ll say it again, if anyone thinks Punk or Bryan are actually headlining Wrestlemania they’re delusional.
Who cares if they are in the final match? They are both wrestling world championship matches at Wrestlemania, Man,some people like to bitch.
O
Oh, everyone knows that Rock/Cena goes on last. I assume we open with Bryan/Sheamus like with Edge/Del Rio last year…Punk/Jericho will be the semi-main.
they’re not headlining at least they’re still the champions.
I’m sorry. I just think it’s a shitty message to say “this retarded storyline that’s eating up time so we can have a one match blow-off with a guy who’s wrestled once in the past decade is much more important than the two most prestigious championships in the sports history.”
I’m just mad Vince is all about short term vision. All he sees is the Rock/Cena buyrates, but after WM, why would those new fans want to tune in to see champions that are so obviously undervalued by their own company. All I’m saying.
Yeah I’m sorry but its been pretty clear for almost a year that Cena/Rock were main eventing. At least DANIEL BRYAN and CM PUNK will be wrestling in CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHES at WRESTLEMANIA. I’ll absolutely take it.
I’ll absolutely take those two as champions too, just frustrated that Vince is all about the one month buyrates than building up those two as real champions.
Posted that before your last posts LastTexansFan and those are both very good points as well. Its why I try to focus on Punk and Bryan. Everything you are saying there is accurate, and infuriating, so fuck it, I just try to ignore it. I mean to enjoy WWE you have to ignore a good 50% of it pretty much all the time right?
Yeah you’re right Ham. Just WCW did this shit all the time. Leno, Arquette, Russo. All planning for the one month returns instead of one year. Just frustrating but at least Punk and Bryan still put on stellar matches.
Yeah plus you’re going to need to save some of that anger for when Sheamus beats Bryan.
Mr TexansFan, I totally see where you’re coming from but I went from watching Superstars to get American Dragon a few months ago to now being able to look forward to him appearing at Wrestlemania. It’s a veritable mania of wrestling! And D Bry and CM Punk will both be there in matches against really good wrestlers!
Sure, HHH v Undertaker will probably suck and Shaq v Big Show (WTF) will be awful, but man, there’s two matches that will be solid gold! And I think Rock v Cena could be good, even if most people who hate Cena won’t be able to admit it.
what a shitty ending
Sign point! I believe that’s been the only one. Well played, WWE…
And there’s your Cena/Kane wrap up folks. no hate was embraced, bring on 42 days of twitter wars with in-the-closet homophobe Rock!
Yeah, I thought the whole point of this was to get Cena to embrace hate…but apparently by throwing Kane off the top of an amberlamps–all the way to Hell, I presume–he was somehow overcoming hate? I do not think that word means what you think it means…