Best: Chris Jericho Explains It All
Chris Jericho is a heel again, and the world is right.
Obviously the true joy of Jericho as a bad guy isn’t that he’s bad, but where he goes with it. I’m giving this a best because we skipped that Save Us Dot Y2J Dad Haircut And A Glittery Vest thing from 2007 completely and went straight to what he’s good at — being a colossal True Life prick who makes every show he’s on a fun one to watch.
Now that that’s out of the way …
Worst: Tighten Up Those Examples, Chris
I was … okay, how do I put this … less than impressed (?) by Jericho’s reasons for the onset of the end of the world. He ran down the current crop of WWE Superstars for being “wannabes”, poorly emulating the things he’d pioneered and perfected before them. While this is situationally true, he had to stick to the people he’s scheduled to face at the Elimination pay-per-view, so some of them worked and some were John Cena-grade Cheapsauce.
CM Punk - This is the important one, because Punk calls himself “Best In The World” and Jericho called/calls himself “The Best In The World At What I Do”, with neither one being brave enough to admit they lifted it from Bryan Danielson and Wolverine respectively.
The Miz - This is the truest one, because yeah, when Jericho left they gave the suits and slow talking and dour arrogance thing to Mizanin, although saying it on WWE television is throwing Miz under an entire fleet of buses and rendering him even later of an afterthought from now until possibly forever. And while we’re at it, Alberto Del Rio probably doesn’t even OWN those cars!
but then, uh
Kofi Kingston - As if anyone could beef with a cardboard cut out, Jericho claims Kofi Kingston does exciting moves in the ring because he once also did exciting moves, and sure, if Kofi had started doing a boston crab and a quebrada between Jericho leaving and Jericho’s return I’d say he had a point (a Kurt Angle point, but a point). But nope, he’s complaining about dropkicks, I guess.
Dolph Ziggler - He walks to the ring with Vickie Guerrero because one time in his 21-f**king-year career Jericho walked to the ring with a woman. Miss Elizabeth doesn’t exist, I guess, and neither do Baby Doll, Sunny, any number of Steve Austin’s ex-wives and Woman. Well, I’ll give you the last one.
R-Truth - … says “what’s up”, Jericho used to say “shut the hell up”. Because “up”. Because they had to include R-Truth.
Best: TAKE YOUR BALLS OUT OF YOUR FLASHING LED PURSE Did Not Happen
Here’s the one time since August CM Punk has had a ton of material to work with to deconstruct and destroy another wrestler’s point, and hell, he could’ve even added a YOUR NAME ISN’T EVEN CHRIS JERICHO, IT’S CHRIS IRVINE!!! to the end of it, but nope, he just walked to the ring, didn’t say a word, held his title over his head, showed Jericho the back of his shirt, said “f**k the lemons” and bailed.
That’s good. It works. He made Jericho look stupid in a good way — the way that would get people behind Punk and against Jericho without really making Jericho look worthless. I want to see their matches, both because of this and because are you kidding me, Jericho vs. Punk is gonna be rad as hell.
Jericho, you didn’t even MAKE that jacket… you bought it! etc.
Worst: Does Anybody Care Whether Or Not Randy Orton And The Great Khali Can Get Along
no
Worst: “Aggressive Tagging” Is The New “Distraction Into Roll-Up Loss”
Every few months, the WWE writing team looks up “wrestling” on TV Tropes and picks something, and they like it so much they write it in to happen in every third match no matter what. The most recent plague was the thing where someone wrestling would get distracted by an involved rival (or that rival’s music) long enough for the person they’re wrestling to roll them up from behind and pin them, no matter how fresh they were before it happened they just kinda had to lie there like a newborn baby until it was over.
The new “that wordy sh*t I just typed” is aggressive tagging, where someone tags in or out by slapping their partner as hard as they can. It happened here, to show that Randy Orton and The Great Khali couldn’t get along. It happened again in the next match, when Beth Phoenix tagged in one of the Bella Twins to “show dominance”. Somewhere a writer is on the bus to work, headphones on, writing “aggressive tag, singles match, ???” onto a yellow notepad and grimacing.
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I approve of this report.
Also, I cannot wait until the time Triple-Aich starts out Raw by citing “Now… Websters defines _________ as _____________.”
“Now…Websters dictionary defines a wedding as: ‘the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’”
It did feel like this raw was written by Philip J Fry.
It took him 2 hours to write, he thought it’d take 2 hours to read
HA! Love it!
“not sure if the writers came up with 45 minutes of material and expected random challenges and impromptu tag matches to fill out the show or what”
They were banking on Teddy Long to say “Now hold 75 minutes, playa”
Actually, HHH’s quote WASN’T Lovecraft. It was Metallica’s slight paraphrase of the original Lovecraft quote from “The Thing That Should Not Be”.
nerd alert
(but seriously, saying it’s a Lovecraft quote makes my Dynamic Dudes joke play better)
I fully accept my “nerd” status on this one. Mostly because I damn near woke up both of my kids when I blurted out “DID HE JUST FUCKING QUOTE FUCKING METALLICA?!?” much too loudly. My wife just looked at me with that “I’m seriously re-evaluating my life choices right now” face she saves for wrestling and when I fart too loudly.
I also stand by it as a Metallica quote because I think “HHH randomly quotes 80′s metal tunes in an attempt to sound smart” needs to be a weekly feature.
“You know, Undertaker…a wise man once said…heaven isn’t too far away…”
Lemmy should come out after Triple H next week and be all “hey man, metallica, what gives”
My iMovie comment kinda got mentioned! Although Brandon could have had that thought independently…
My week one best comment is sending me on a downward spiral of doubt :(
I hear ya, Lester. One Hit Wonders, we are.
Dude I don’t even care I made it for the first time and I’m probably WAY more excited about it then I should be. I’m glowing right now.
I always figured it would be a Lawler pedophile joke that got me there. You know… because they’re easy.
I made 2 in a row. I guess I can survive twice as long without having to be e-vindicated again by a withleather mention.
I DO wear my MAEK POOPIEZ badge proudly.
You know, it’s pretty impressive to read this gargantuan recap and remember Raw as being so much better and funnier than it actually was. Because, goddamn, it was a trainwreck. And no, I know at least I was one other person who thought that it was just some fan screaming at the end of Raw.
On another note, I can’t be the only one who was really surprised when I looked up how old Truth was for a faux obituary one-liner and found out he was 40. Holy hell.
I was also totally weirded by the screaming. It really sounded like two tweens shrieking because they wanted to be heard on TV. Instead it was Eve, who lacks a tween’s communicative skill set.
So the ultimate result of Kane spending all this time with Eve is him Bootypop Moonsaulting Cena at the pay-per-view right?
Serious point: you know why all the recaps and video packages and stuff are SO BAD? (I’m addressing the WWE writers directly here, because they’re all on Uproxx all day, or so I’m told by no one.) Because boredom begets boredom. If I’m bored to tears by you being repetitive and showing me things I’ve already seen and/or don’t need to see – which covers pretty much every video package and/or recap last night – it’s going to be a lot harder for me to get into the good stuff you’re presenting.
Think of it like this. Say you’re at a baseball game, just a game you bought some tickets for. Say it’s a good game, fast paced, and your team wins. You’re excited. You’re having a good time. Then the PA guy says, “And now, a live performance by Styx!” (I’m from Pittsburgh, this actually happens in real life all the time.) Despite the fact that you’re only a marginal fan of Styx at best, like all of us, you’re all, “Whoo! Awesome! Get more beer! Styx! Play “Renegade” seven times!”
Now, pretend that you’re at an interminable sales conference or whatever. Bored out of your mind. After seven unnecessary hours, the guy is like, “And now, Styx.” You’re going to be like “Ugh whatever I don’t give a flying shit about who is or is not sailing away, I just want to get back to the hotel.”
Because you were bored the second time, and that makes it not very easy to get un-bored when something interesting happens. The six-pack challenge thingy was fine, but I was so bored by the rest of a shitty Raw that when it happened, and my girlfriend was like, “Yo, the dog needs to go out,” I was just like, “You know what, that’s fine. I am not intrigued enough by the television to make my dog wait to pee.”
If I’m bored, exciting things won’t be as good. Don’t make boring things, ever.
I got so bored last night that I ended up trolling Baby Center and reading mom blogs. Good example.
I’m assuming you know the Pirates actually got Styx for this summer. Christ on a pony that shit’s gonna be the shitheel yinzer Mardi Gras.
Really, they should let Styx play the infield for an inning. It probably wouldn’t make a difference.
Oh my lucky stars…the Johnny Ace ‘Best’ has me in tears. I can’t decide which part I like the most:
1. he knows who Dashboard is
2. he may actually listen to this song
3. he referenced the song
4. you rounded out the post with lyrics to ‘Hands Down’
It’s gotta be #2, right? Can’t you just imagine him sitting in his Stamford office, door closed, feet propped up on the desk, eating a PBJ sandwich with a glass of milk, feverishly writing ‘THINGS TRIPLE H MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT SHAWN MICHAELS’ on a yellow legal pad, ‘Vindicated’ blasting out of an iPod dock, and him singing at the top of his voice-immodulated lungs ‘VINDICATED…I AM SELFISH…I AM WRONG…I AM RIGHT…I SWEAR I’M RIGHT…I SWEAR I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!!!’
I just wet myself with excitement.
I think I may even send Johnny a Valentine’s Card or something for being so awesome all the time.
In last night’s dark match, The Funkasaurus defeated Flatulence in an AMBULANCE MATCH.
You are NOT the only person who loves David Otunga. I fell out when he Tebow’d. Dolph Ziggler is magic and special and anyone who thinks he sucks is not my friend any more.
I cannot believe Lawler’s comment about Otunga’s wrestling career being better than his PERFECT legal career and Michael Cole calling him out on it was not mentioned as a BEST.
after last week’s vegan thing I tried to tune them out as much as possible this week
brandon: you were right about laurenaitis before just about anyone and you deserve credit for it. the man is a genius. i mean johnny. you’re smart too, though.
Made a lot of great points from last nights show. It was a real letdown. I said to someone earlier, the Jericho Punk thing should’ve started the show, and then have HHH in the top of hour 2, because I’m pretty sure his 14 minute diatribe about basically calling the Undertaker a bitch killed the audience, even though they weren’t great in general. Also loved how you referenced Wolverine in the “Best in the world at what I do” thing, because I was saying that to a friend weeks ago. haha. Anyway, keep up the great work dude.
Man, don’t be hating on NASCAR now. My roots showing up there. (That segment was painful, though.)
Other than that, nice work, like always.
Jericho pulling stuff out of his ass for Ziggler and Kofi was actually great. All I could think of was Little Richard’s Playhouse. [www.youtube.com]
Ok, that’s it. Give me your mailing address. I am sending you one US dollar for comparing HHH’s music to the fucking Black Racer.
Alternate explanation for Sheamus’ random-ass booking – dude just wanders around backstage repeating “Oy’ll foight ‘em!” over and over again, knowing full well that at some point it will be appropriate.
I think he’s like that all the time, not just back stage. Just going around to people on the streets, in grocery stores, gas stations. Even up to animals. Just going around yelling “Oy’ll foight ‘em!” then just kicking somebody’s fucking face off.
So WWE really has 4 options at Wrestlemania, right?
1) Taker beats HHH- Publicity stolen by guy who doesn’t need it; happened twice so who cares
2) HHH beats Taker – HHH becomes worst person on planet
3) Taker beats other person (Barrett please!) – Same as always; other person gets some attention; maybe Taker makes him look good on his way to retirement
4) Other person (Barrett! Barrett!) beats Taker – Instant main event heel created
They’re gonna pick an Undertaker option, aren’t they?
Also, I might have died when I read the Sheamus section.
If you are a woman in WWE and any man threatens you, it seems like your only options are 1) watch, cry 2) open-palmed soap opera slap 3) be Kharma
Geez, I remember when skinny, awkward Lita would throw a punch when Test/Christian/Stone Cold during that weird heel run got all up in her business. Eve should find a new jiu-jitsu coach.
Heck, I remember the DDP/Taker/Sara angle where DDP stalked the woman until she finally got her hands on him. Sure, it’s weird and doesn’t fly on Canadian TV but Eve should just get a jiu-jitsu coach and then do jiu-jitsu.
Yeah, that’s kind of surprised me regarding Eve. She trains jits under at least one Gracie, yet I don’t think she’s ever exhibited any submission skills. Just once, when Beth Phoenix has her in position for the Glam Slam, spin it into a kimura (Granted, that’s more Sakuraba-style than Gracie).
Oh, wait, like Diva matches are given the time or forethought for something like that to transpire. Silly me.
Brandon, I don’t know how you made Raw halfway decent, but that is skill. Well done.
also, Cousin F**ker 500 was amazeballs.
Your argument is invalid because Rachel Summerlynn.
truth
She is way more attractive in that photo than I had realized. On the other hand, in most photos I’ve seen of her she’s covered in someone’s blood.
I admit, I am very slow on the Rachel Summerlynn bandwagon because my only prior exposure to her was on the atrocious ROH on HDNet TV show getting squishy squashed by Sara Del Rey. I am in the process of educating myself and righting this wrong.
I wish I was as good as you at pop culture references.
Hey! Thanks for the top 10 nod! Qaplah!
I am going to try to make this as short as bearably possible: So, I am 35 and have loved wrestling ever since I can remember watching tv. I met my wife at an Undertaker message board for christsakes! (True story, I will embellish some other time.)
The reason I am mentioning this is because I have been “out” of the wrestling scene for the past few years. I kind of “fell OUT of love” with wrestling. I just felt out of touch with it.
So, I started paying attention to what you guys were doing here on With Leather and “half reading Brandon’s (well made) articles. It seemed like you guys were at least having fun with the shows.
So, with football season OVER and no competition for my Monday nights for a while, I finally decided that last night I was gonna tune in to Raw, follow along on the liveblog, and maybe even pitch in. So glad I did! Everyone was real cool, and even though I am way behind the times on what is going on in modern wrestling, I still had fun watching and joking along with the rest of the gang.
I guess this is my way of saying “thanks”, and I am looking forward to some more liveblogs! Qaplah!
Welcome to the party, and believe me, you’re not the only one who got sucked back into wrestling because of WithLeather and Brandon. I can’t decide if I should thank him or yell at him for it, but regardless, welcome to the fold.
Undertaker message boards? Undertaker message boards! Women… ON UNDERTAKER MESSAGE BOARDS?!? My face just Ark of the Covenanted itself.
You guys have never heard of Taker Ladies? Oh man, the stories I can tell in the liveblogs…
Anyway, them gals like them some fanfiction. My all time favourite has to be a girl that wrote a story about her getting raped by Kane and stung by a scorpion and the scorpion DNA and emotional trauma gave her psychic powers and she becomes a PRO WRESTLER.
Is that where Twilight originated?
I agree that Jericho’s examples of people stealing his stuff was tenuous, except Punk and Miz, obviously. But I prefer to think that it was *intentionally* so. Like he’s so self-absorbed that he sees what Kofi does, and *actually* thinks he’s being copied.
…Since the only other explanation is terrible writing, I chose to think it’s intentionally over-the-top. It makes it funnier and less sad that way.
I have to say I’m with you on this one – I think it was an attempt at “ridiculous heel” Jericho (a la “ARMBAR!!”)
Intentionally over-the-top, agreed.
Best: The fact that “because it’s wrestling” has essentially become “It’s Chinatown” in my household.
My wife: “Wait…did he just say he’d still be a vegan?”
Me: “Yup. He’s actually a vegan in real life, so they made it part of the character.”
My wife: “Huh. …And why is the audience booing him for it?”
Me: “Because it’s wrestling.”
I had such a similar convo with my wife that its scary.
“That song is like the Black Racer.”
MORE FOURTH WORLD REFERENCES PLZ
Hey! Don’t hate on the Cousin F**ker 500 until you get over Lawler hating on Vegans. You can’t have it both ways! You can’t you can’t you can’t. I’ll get Triple H to call and explain it to you over 20 minutes on a phone call in ring promo.
“Firstly, instead of saying “it was uh ACCIDENT, but aw I feel so bad!”, try “sorry about that, but you’re being a dick, now I’m gonna punch you in the face”. ”
This just happened on Smackdown, actually. Just with a chokeslam. AJ was there. She saved the day.
And cmon Jericho, Truth stealing “Conspiracy Victim” was RIGHT THERE.
“So is Eve dead, or what? Is that the end of the story?” – Brandon
Let us not forget that time when she was left for dead inside Zack’s car too.
Maybe she’s WWEs version of Kenny McCormick.
On a scale of 1-10 how sick will we be when Hunter and Taker get 30 minutes to lay in the ring at Mania? I’m at a 14 right now.
Between the NASCAR bashing and the Vick stuff last week, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re just trolling us for comments. I guess it’s working.
The NASCAR stuff is just jokes, I don’t have anything against it. The Vick stuff is real talk.
By coming to the ring and not saying anything wasn’t Punk ripping off Jericho again? Why didn’t Jericho immediately call him out again?
Heel Rule #49b: If a babyface has proved your point that he wants to be you by using your most recent trick against you, you are obligated to be flummoxed and unable to speak coherently to said babyface for a time no less than 6 days.
We didn’t even get the Kane segment at the end in the arena. Then again, maybe that had to do with the fact that Eve broke her nose during her match (if you look at the screen cap for the match, you can already see the blood gloves on the ref).
Last night’s unanswered question: If it’s no longer on a roll, does Funk become stationary or does it just dissipate into the atmosphere?
I await a video package with these answers and more. And by more I mean Kanerape.
he’s in captivity, so I imagine they just hold him wherever they keep him
I think the Kane-rape angle is 100% appropriate considering Mike Tyson going into the hall of fame. Maybe they could rename it as the Hall of Rape or the Hall of Sex Offenders or something, open a new wing, and it could be right next to the wing that houses “Those who were ‘Grand Marshall’ at the Cousin F**ker 500″. That would be amazing.
Cool story, Bro!
I woke up from a nap and checked out Raw, saw H burying Big Johnny and turned it off.
Hey guys! HHH is totes a hard worker and all and seriously did not get this cushy job of his by boinking the boss’s daughter. And he’s never backstabbed ANYONE ever. No sir, he’s the most honest man in wrestling ever.
Also, I guess wins and losses only count if you walk out with your head high. Never mind that Trips tapped like a bitch and all, even after destroying UT with a billion finishers.
At this juncture, the only good thing that can happen is that Taker is going to zap H with a lightning bolt.
All Big Show needs to do is serve Daniel Bryan a cup of coffee that has whole milk in it but tell him it’s soy milk. Once Bryan loses his Vegan Edge, you finish him!!!
The only way I will accept “FINISH HIM” as a thing in professional wrestling is in conjunction with the Super Smash Brothers. Otherwise, this is tremendous.
Only if we get the requisite Vegan Police tag team.
(hi-five in slow mo) YEAH!!!!
@AP – That’s ALL I want to see
That twitter exchange was genius.
Oh, and it occurred to me that in your response to my comment about saying WWE and that they all do it…oddly enough, the only one who doesn’t that I can think of is Miz, arguably the most derivative of Jericho of everyone.
Great report, Brandon. Hit me up if you need help getting images next week. I can take an hour during lunch on Tuesday and pull up images if you give me a list. <3
Also, I'm getting the impression that you're on a crappy computer now and really need a new one. If there's a "Buy Brandon A New PC Fund" I'd be willing to donate because you give me a lot of of happiness and I give nothing in return.
I'm not a Nascar guy. I'm not even sure if it's Nascar or NASCAR. If NASCAR what does it stand for? I'm thinking it has to be NASCAR because there's no squiggly lines. Is it National Association Stock Car Association Racing? I don't know.
But, yeah, I'm not a racing guy but I went to some small mud track races when I last visited my folks who moved to Kentucky a few years ago. It was a lot of fun. I'm guessing most people who look down on wrestling or car racing would have a lot of fun if they went to an independent event and could get over their own prejudices. I'm just a little sensitive to any sort of disparaging remark against working class people or things they are thought to enjoy.
Both A’s stand for Amurrika.
Thanks for standing up for NASCAR; I may not enjoy it, but there are a lot worse stereotypes to instantaneously boo than enjoying cars.
Yeah, I don’t get NASCAR. It just looks like dudes going in a circle in cars to me. But I’m almost 30 and still watch professional wrestling and play Warhammer. I live in the shoddiest glass house ever built.
I will happily take you up on that. Thanks, THESTINGER.
and the NASCAR stuff was just jokes
I’m sorry for overreacting there, Brandon. <3
Fucking awful night on RAW. My mind had erased the stupid end vignette with Eve, but I see that it cannot rest quietly in its mass grave of bad WWE ideas. And what was Kane actually trying to say? It sounded to me like “I’m so scary that I’m afraid of myself.” Dude, you haven’t DONE ANYTHING. Scaring Eve is clearly about as difficult as amusing Santino.
I really like my mental fantasy world where Triple H stays off-camera, Undertaker and Kane set up for one final brother vs. brother showdown at the next Wrestlemania, Kharma comes back to dominate the divas roster and feud with Beth Phoenix and/or Tamina, Punk and Bryan have a series of matches to prove who is truly the best, Jericho plays Red Skull to Cena’s Captain America, and AJ gets to wrestle for more than 18 seconds. There’s plenty of room in my fantasy world if you want to visit.
I check this site about 20 times before 4pm my time which is 2:30 EST, in my mind I know the BandWofR won’t be there but my heart cries for it. This column makes my day.
When I saw the screenshot of Tamina I was hoping that would be followed by Brandon shitting all over her Superfly Splash. What a tease. And what a shitty, shitty splash.
I’m really enjoying WWE’s obsession with Twitter, I have to say. From AJ maintaining kayfabe by not posting for a week or so, then posting a pic in a neck brace… to Cena and Rock keeping the “feud” alive online (since Rock is too busy to show up right now)… to Big Johnny showing us that he actually has a personality.
I’m willing to put up with Michael Cole constantly telling us what’s trending if it means we get entertainment and even storyline advancement via Twitter.
*Sigh* Just think what they could have done with Punk on Twitter and YouTube if they’d held him out longer after MITB… Oh well.
So, no Brodus? Does this mean I don’t get my “Crisis on Infinite Funks” fantasy match between a returning Flash Funk, PN News, and Godfather fighting Brodus, Ernie Miller, and Wanda Sykes as Biggie Shorty at Wrestlemania? With Clinton and P-Funk playing through the whole match? No?
Shame on you for not including Black Dynamite and Pootie Tang, but otherwise I love this idea.
Alright, I know you enjoy analyzing the backwards corporate structure displayed on RAW, but let me see if I can add to it:
So, last week, the board decided that Triple H could fire John Laurinaitis if he felt it was necessary. HOWEVER, because he only said about 60% of the phrase “wish you well in your future endeavors” before being interrupted by the Undertaker, the power is switched from Triple H back to the Board. And the Board had a really difficult time making a decision by 11:07 or so on the only night of live WWE programming of the week, so they needed the period of 11:07 PM to 9:59 AM to really put their heads together, buckle down, and make a decision to keep Laurinaitis. The WWE Charter must be a beast to learn.
Additionally, I wonder if the Undertaker’s hair had anything to do with the swing of power.
I said the exact same thing about Ziggler to my non-believer wife last night. She really hates him.
Hot shit, my avatar works now!
Big Johnny also quoted MLK, and he’s added “Voodoo Chile”, “Keeping the Faith”, “Survivor”, and fucking “The River” to his playlist. Oh, and “My Girl”, with “Job” subbed in for “Girl”. Somebody recently asked him what he does when he’s not being EVPoTRaIGMoMNR, and his response was “I enjoy model trains.” John Laurinaitis is the best.
The best part of reading this is it means Brandon didn’t suffer some kind of brain attack and die due to the horribleness of Raw.
Secondary best is that this report is great, as always.
Tertiary best = B
GOATunga is GOAT
Hey! I made it in the top comments, thanks for recognizing my brilliance yet again B-Stro.
I hope Kane shows up at the Daytona 500 and gets on the track with fire whips and cuts cars in half. Maybe Cena will drop his funnel cake and and open a suit case containing Camo jorts and colorful armbands and NASCAR will be a casualty of Cena’s HATE EMBRACING.
If it turns out you accurately predicted Wrestlemania ending with Big Johnny walking on water, I will send YOU all of my life savings. Which, due to my inexperience with eBay, now exists entirely in the form of two dozen Snapcaster Mages.
Point the First: I would attend the CousinFu**er 500
Point the Second: I will buy three pairs of Otunga’s shoes on Shopzone right this very now.
boy, you sure hate the Rock!
I’ll admit, around 2002 he was basically the same thing as Cena, super god face everyone loved with all the edginess smoothed off for marketing purposes. He used to say, “Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?” as a general lude reference, but in 02 he just said because…well, the fans expect him to say he. He was formulaic, and that’s why he got booed in all the smarky towns when fighting Hogan at WM18, or winning the belt at Vengeance, or battling Lesnar at Summerslam.
But, he came back in 2003 as a heel, and he was amazing. EEEEEEEEVIL Rock has got to be one of my favorite wrestling characters, all the charisma and charm of the previous version with the dickhead power bar at max levels. The Sacramento Concert is one my all-time favorite WWE segments.
In comparison, Cena has basically done the tired squeaky clean 02 Rock character for what…five years now? With none of Rock’s comedic timing or delivery? That can be pretty grating, especially when he just buries any real threat that comes his way. It’s easier to enjoy the Rock’s heroics when he’s got real assholes the crowd loves to hate like HHH or Kurt Angle to feud with. Cena gets The Miz and Del Rio, who Cena instantly swallows up as soon as he enters the ring with them. I crossed over into my “boo Cena” stage when he almost single-handily buried Nexus, the hottest angle the WWE had in years, even after taking a DDT on the concrete floor. If the hero is never in danger of losing, that’s a superhero soap opera failing in its job, and what is pro wrestling if not that?
When the crowd bounces back and forward between “LETS GO CENA” and “CENA SUCKS”, you got a problem, because all they care about is that one guy. They don’t give a damn about Alberto, and why should they? He’s no threat to SUPERMAN, boo Superman, you stink, dude!
The last real foil to John Cena was CM Punk. The crowd chants are now “LETS GO CENA” and “CM PUNK”. He’s the one guy who’s been built up to actually be on Cena’s level. If they had more CM Punk caliber stars, I bet you John Cena would be easier to swallow, despite being as stale as dried out store-bought apple pie.
So….you have a real problem with an overrated Diva having to play a character with flatulence, but are in no way offended that the writers are using Daniel Bryan’s lifestyle as a villainous trait that wasn’t explored when he was a face?
I don’t think they’re in any way related. I think one is stupid, and one is a good idea. Whether or not Natalya is rated properly has nothing to do with the pointlessness of making someone fake fart. Daniel Bryan can make people want to see him get beaten up because he’s being indignant about something they don’t believe in. Natalya is literally just farting.
PLus, I think if we saw women actually wrestling, Natalya wouldn’t be as overrated as you say…I know she could kick my ass <3
Okay. It just seems weird that you and someone like TH would get up on a soapbox about a trivial 20 second promo on the B show, but continue to wear your Daniel Bryanson blinders while he pulls the dreaded “you people” to garner cheap heat. As someone who can’t buy into the guy, I’ll admit he’s had some fantastic matches during this run, but he’s just flat on the mic all around. In a few years Bryan’s title reign will go down as one of those Jack Swagger “oh yeah” callbacks and that’ll really be the extent of his legacy.
I had an entire paragraph a few weeks ago about how sad it was for Daniel Bryan to do the “you people” thing. You have to actually read the columns, guy, I can’t reiterate every point every week.
Sorry, Brandon, I didn’t mean it to sound like I don’t read BnW. It’s actually the thing I look forward to most on the internet, and probably a good 35% of the reason I watch Raw is to read this. That said, it just gets tiring reading the same hobknobbing of Bryan on several sites (not particularly yours) because everyone still has their “indy” love for the guy or whatever. He’s the champion…he should get the most coverage of all the people, right up there along with whatever Punk and Cena and HHH/Big Johnny are doing. The Divas, though? So insignificant. They’re pretty much the debate team of WWE High. Wake me when Karma, Beth Phoenix, and Madison Rayne are triple-threating it all over the place.
I think Daniel Bryanson is a pretty good wrestler, especially when you talk about submission moves and overall “no regard for personal well-being while jumping from heights”…I respect that.
But when he annoying yells “World Champ” and dates a hottie **I** wanna date, I want to punch him in the face…
**cue Motorhead**
Longtime reader, first time commenter here. While I agree that Jericho’s reasoning was specious at best (not an uncommon occurence in 95% of promos (ITS SCIENCE)), I feel that the promo had an underurrent that carried it through. Conviction. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. I don’t need a wrestler’s motivation to be logical for me to buy into it, I need them to convince me that they believe it. I think Jericho has done that. I liked how both Punk and Jericho basically used each others shtick to play against type. Notice how Punk’s retort is the same silence that Jericho greeted fans with? How once Punk “made his point” he turns his back and Jericho braces his mic to strike. Or how Punk pauses expecting the pipebomb that doesn’t happen? There was more character development in that 4 minutes than the 15 minute Triple H crapfest that opened the show.
Aggressive tagging, or AggTagging is only going to get worse I fear. I have a theory that Team Pin-Up Strong and their cohorts are going to come to blows over AggTagging, which will lead to a string of matches with Beth Phoenix defeating every Diva including Natalia before losing the belt to Kharma at ‘Mania. Or not.
And lastly, Kelly Kelly the Watcher. If she starts coming to ringside in a toga, blue cape, and macrocephalic paper mache head, I will lose my shit. Thanks for the visual.
Keep up the good work.
I turn on Raw and CM Punk is feuding with Val Kilmer in Lite-Brite jacket. WWE can do better.
Top Secret! Val Kilmer, or Spartan Val Kilmer?
Spartan Val Kilmer. Not as good, but still has it.
I think Kharma is still on maternity leave and the Royal Rumble return was just a one-time thing to remind you she exists. She’ll probably come back at Elimination Chamber.
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I must thank you Brandon, and the commentariat. Through these reports and threads you have allowed me to once again look at the characters the wrestlers are playing to better understand the narrative, instead of just seeing what someone like Jack Swagger is doing and dismissing it with a wanking motion. Watching wrestling can make you jaded and cynical to wrestling (if that makes sense), but having other people point out all of the oddities and crap and funnies and try to make sense of it makes the whole experience that much more enriching.
That being said, did they have a show written for last night?!?! Was the writing staff out with the airborne flu herpes? I mean, I’m all for video editors having jobs and stuff, but damn. Even the Carl Edwards “NASCAR SUPPORTS THE GRAPPLING ARTS” was prerecorded, and would have been fine on LAST WEEKS SHOW when it happened (supposedly).
Also, YAY, all of those years of watching the Simpsons are finally starting to pay off! I guess the lesson here is never try….wait, that’s not right…
#theaterstoasses possibly the greatest hashtag of all time.
and seriously Johnny’s twitter is the greatest thing ever. He listed a bunch more of the songs on his playlist.
@WWERawGM Track 7: “My Girl” -The Temptations …I sub in ‘job’ for the word ‘girl.’ #RawGMiPod
Him campaigning for the Hall of Fame on Twitter is also awesome and completely justified.
Also, picking ‘Otis’ because ‘it puts him in a good mood’ makes me think he really is that awesome.
Now all I want to see after elimination chamber is Daniel Bryan walking through backstage corridors whispering to himself “only a penitent vegan shall pass” and slyly ducking brogue kicks out of nowhere. Thanks for that.
I don’t so much love David Otunga (I do however love Rachel Summerlyn) as I love David Otunga’s argyle sweaters. The dude is single-handedly bringing argyle back (in my fantasy world anyway) and that’s got to count for something.
Sorry on the late post but I never get to watch Raw live anymore because of my schedule and my ability to get on the internet is for the foreseeable future spotty (read: wifi).
I cant wait for Big Johnny to come out to Swiss Army Romance next Monday
There **needs** to be a “Dugout”-esque series building up to WMXXXVVVIIII where the Rock and Cena Twitter-talk back and forth to each other…hilarious stuff. #StroudstoAsses
Brandon’s brain would tumor itself.
I’m a tumor I’m a tumor….I’m a tumor…I’m a tumor I’m a tumor…oh oh oh I’m a tumor
hoooolllly jesus!
amazing recap brandon,
never give up! (on writing these)
The one positive about the end of Raw was that Eve went from a -10 to a -4 in acting ability. By March, she’ll be at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s level (i.e. -1).
Great read. Rachel Summerlyn is adorable. If wrestling were an Alan Moore comic book everyone would be gay.
Fantastic recap as always, but I can’t believe Ziggler’s rodeo cowboy scream didn’t get it’s own best. It happens when he runs Punk in the corner, immediately following the last R-Truth’s Shattered Skull replay. If you didnt catch it, it’s glorious. And more believable than Eve’s screaming.
After watching it again for laughs, I hereby redub it from to “rodeo cowboy scream” to “Jack Black Sasquatch scream”
Good stuff as always Brandon. I’ve long been on the Otunga bandwagon. Ever since DAVIDOTUNGASBOWTIE and his coffee became a weekly occurrence, he cracks me up. I’m also glad you saw the Big Johnny soundtrack tweets. Hilarious.
I’m sure glad i didnt have the opportunity to watch this abortion of a show.
You once again managed to make chicken salad of out chicken shit. Cudos, Brandon.
Is it just me, or is K2 looking way more attractive than she has in the past?
I was laughing quietly to myself at the Indy reference
I really did like how Daniel Bryan said “I’m still gonna be Daniel Bryan. I’m still gonna be Vegan…” as if a stipulation to the match would be he’s gonna go back to being Bryan Danielson and have to drink a glass of Skim Milk
RE: Image on first page. Empirical data seems to suggest WWE Divas ring gear turns orange once they have been crushed by Beth Phoenix (3 down, 1 to go) And no mention of Eve’s busted nose?
Another great recap dude, keep up the good work. I especially appreciate references to the Black Racer and Paul Rudd’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Oh, and thanks for the Top Comment shout-out!
Just making sure you do realize that CM Punk is glomming Daniel Bryan’s “Best in the World” tagline from ROH, and Bryan is borrowing the lifestyle makes him better angle from Punk as opposed to Punk “coaching” Bryan, they’re just having fun with each other.