Best: Josh Mathews Makes An Ass Out Of You And Me
I love how tightly booked the opening half hour was. We started with Jericho and Punk feud, transitioned into simultaneous Punk/Bryan, Laurinaitis/Long and Otunga/Santino feuds, transitioned from THERE into Laurinaitis/Punk, then smoothly back into Punk and Jericho for the finish. That’s beautifully put together, and even if certain feuds encroached onto ones I’d like to see more, it was still a great example of how wrestling shows can happen.
The next hour is … not that.
It is, however, extremely hilarious to see Cole and Lawler send it back for a medical update only to have Josh Mathews standing in a hallway talking about how Punk is madder than he is injured. Do we have any sort of verification on that? Did he just make it up, because it sounded right? Are we left to assume that they had one of those “CM PUNK, I JUST WANTED TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS ON WHAT WENT DOWN EARLIER TONIGHT WITH CHRIS JERICHO” things where Punk yelled “I’M NOT HURT, I’M MAD” and then rolled away on the operating table while Josh stood there trying to lower his head down inbetween his shoulderblades, remaining silent?
I wanted Josh to be all, “It looks like CM Punk is madder than he is hurt. Just kidding, his back is broken. Back to you, Michael”.
Best: The Right Way To Do Recap Videos
One of the best ways to know the emotional story a wrestler is trying to tell in the ring is to have the people commentating it steer you in the same direction. That’s why wrestling announcers are so important, and why Michael Cole’s infuriating insult-train and independent wrestling’s penchant for guys who scream and make Fun Jokez are so equally awful: if Jim Ross says Mick Foley is dead and he sounds like he means it enough, I’m gonna go “oh god, is he dead?”
That’s what I liked about last night’s revisiting of the Triple H vs. Undertaker match from WrestleMania XXVII. I’m not a huge fan of the match itself — I’ve never been a fan of Triple H’s interpretation of a Big Match Story being “we hit each other with stuff and lie around, and then at the end we make so many faces” — but showing the major moments and having popular wrestlers tell the story again made it seem like the most important thing that has ever happened, and that’s great.
Exposition works really well when you’re looking back on things … VH1 got like five years or programming out of Donal Logue or whoever saying “Glow Worm is a worm that lights up when you hug it”. Exposition while something is happening is the WORST, but if Edge says “Undertaker was starting to show weakness and humanity and Triple H knew he had to kill him to finish him off”, that’s an important thing for us to know, and a great way to tell us without spittle-screaming it like Stimpy for 20 minutes on Raw.
Worst: Pretty Soon The Divas Matches Are Just Gonna Be Amoeba Slides
Things I observed during the Divas match
1. Someone needs to tell Kelly Kelly that a bridge isn’t “impressive” if you fall all the way back and then bridge. You have to bridge back. Post-move bridges are for the birds, you might as well be doing the Super Delfin taunt at the end.
2. The match should’ve ended in silence and we should’ve watched Kelly pose for a minute and head to the back, and then like 70 seconds later Cole should’ve screamed WAIT A MINUTE, TWIN MAGIC! to no one in particular, then just sorta looked around like he had no idea where he was.
3. I observed no other things during this Divas match.
Best/Worst: Cena Getting Main Eventer Clean Wins/Miz Being Completely Irrelevant
The Best: John Cena is going into a match with The Rock at Wrestlemania that is being called the “biggest match in wrestling history”. The only thing he’s done since, like, June of last year has been beating R-Truth on a pay-per-view with the help of a child, literally losing the title to CM Punk, beating Alberto Del Rio for the championship in apathetic fashion on what seemed like six straight pay-per-views and having an ambulance three-way with Kane and a guy in a wheelchair.
If we’re to buy that Cena is the Best and Most Important guy of this generation, he’s got to have matches like this where he just shows up and smokes a guy. It’s unfortunate that Miz has to be a victim of that, but at this point Miz shouldn’t have any chance against him — if Miz couldn’t win HANDICAP matches against Cena, he shouldn’t be able to stop John’s basic chain of monster dog-jumping offense one-on-one. He shouldn’t muster more than an “WAIT, WAIT… ah shit /taps out” when he’s in the STF. Cena should be the f**king Terminator heading into Mania, and Rock should be the legendary champion who nobody expects to lose. Hogan, Andre.
The Worst: The “HEY MIZ, REMEMBER WHEN YOU MATTERED?” sign was less of an ice burn and more of a teeth-gritting “eesh, you’re right”. Miz lost Alex Riley like Samson lost his f**king hair. At this point all he can do is go back to bed with not much hair left on his head. Eat a slice of wonderbread and go right back to bed.
Worst: Jerry Lawler Is Masturbating Under The Table Right Now
We get it, Jerry, you like The Rock. You don’t have to sound like you’re blushing and shuffling your feet every time he’s mentioned. Lawler’s nervous, “heh, wow, there’s only one The Rock. The ROCK! Later tonight! Oh I can’t wait!” made him sound like Butters from South Park.
I would not be surprised to open Lawler’s cartoon portfolio and find a bunch of intense pencil sketches of him nude, riding the assy-CGI Rock Scorpion from the end of The Mummy 2.
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Regina Spektor quote. +1
Oh man, I just saw it on page three. It’s glorious.
+1 for this being the first comment
On page 3 or 4 and had to say one thing: the first half hour had an entire show’s worth of stuff. It kind of pisses me off how they drag out bad things but then rush good things.
Big Lebowski quote in the first post and a best comment too, YES YES YES!
1 page in and we’ve got a Michelle Tanner reference…I’ll allow it.
I love the fact that CM Punk’s complaints about Chris Jericho are literally EXACTLY the same as John Cena’s qualms with The Rock (“I’m here all the time because I Care About Wrestling and the belt and the people and all you care about is fame and adulation which is why you were in Hollywood”), but because they completely eschewed any mention or Twitter or how gross and horrible it is to be a woman, it works gorgeously.
and because its with two likeable guys/great wrestlers
AJ was breathtakingly adorable before, but I must say I am absolutely in love with Evil Mirror Universe AJ. It’s just like Kira on Star Trek: DS9 (YAY I GET TO MAKE A NERD REFERENCE), where I was hugely attracted to her before, but having the Mirror one be a bondage bisexual asshole version? My every dream is encapsulated.
And when Riley partners up with Dolph Ziggler or whoever Miz can be all “i loved you first”
Dude, that Race Warz tag match was NOTHING compared to this one house show I was at this one time. (Note: every wrestling conversation eventually devolves into this one house show I was at this one time.)
So there are nine matches – one is a Divas match, one is a tag match. So then seven regular singles matches. EVERY ONE OF THEM WAS BETWEEN A WHITE GUY AND A NON-WHITE GUY. Kane vs. Viscera, Elijah Burke vs. Tommy Dreamer, Kofi Kingston vs. Deuce (sans Domino,) CM Punk vs Shelton Benjamin, Ric Flair vs. Mark Henry, Finlay vs. Khali, Edge vs. Batista.
I truly believe that in the back, some ridiculous road agent was just like “Eh, there’s only 900 people here, let’s have some fun.”
Whatever the hell they did with The Rock last night sucked. If it was to make Cena look better, it just really made Rock look like shit. If Rock genuinely got flustered, he looks like shit for getting flustered to the guy who, like less than a year ago, jumped like a cheerleader after winning a match with Bret Hart, the guy who just a few months ago looked like a pansy on the apron at Survivor Series weeks after he blew a huge loogie saying Rock’s name aloud. This segment just didn’t work for me at all.
If Rock was genuinely flustered, he needs to face up to it next week. Otherwise, it just looks bad.
After the opening segment, this show was crap.
Mainly because everyone will realize the Rock isnt that great….
there i said it.
BOOM, you’re welcome bitch
That’s my big problem with this feud: the entire feud has continued to make me hate both of these guys so much that I really couldn’t care which millionaire wrestler wins.
First, Team Cena all the way. Second, it’s weird and a little creepy seeing The Rock built like Triple H circa 2003.
And Wrestlemania X-7 just for the Gimmick Battle Royal.
Random Acts of Kane and the Amazing Colossal Alicia Fox were my favourite moments of the show, because both times I said out loud “What the fuck?”
I’d really like video of Jeremy Lin doing the Super Delfin taunt……
That’s a lie, I’d like a stereotypical “Old Asian Man” to say the phrase “super delfin”
It was like The Rock forgot he even had to do RAW, ate some Chinese food for lunch, and that is how we were blessed with his Trending Topic Wank Fest. Rocky is getting bored with this wrestling stuff again. It’s like when I dig out my old GBA. I get SUPER pumped up to play Mario and Luigi-Superstar Saga for a while then I start thinking “Oh, I’m bored with it now”. Then I go back to making Disney movies. Cena owned him and every Cena hater (which can be me from time to time) needs to accept that and give credit where it’s due.
No, you’re absolutely right. Is this really the Rock at his best? Was it all just the glitz and glamour of nostalgia making me think that he was ever as big as he was? This is chump change. Maybe Cena isn’t as bad as we think either. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see….
+1 for the Bohemian Rhapsody closer. Cena’s just a poor boy. He needs no sympathy.
The main thing that annoyed me about Primo & Epico being the tag champions is that THEIR ENTIRE STORYLINE up to this point is “hey look Rosa Mendez” They’re like assumed heels for no real reason, which is kind of unsettling.
But yeah, pre-Reaper, that was a pretty awesome match and letting them keep the titles means you can actually build them and maybe we’ll get a storyline going into Wrestlemania. Maybe we’ll get a non-major title that isn’t contested on a PPV because someone got into a fight over a midget eating cheese.
Also whoever wins the tag titles at Wrestlemania, can Rosa Mendez just go with them?
The Kane thing led us to just making jokes that X-Pac was coming back (did he really also team with the Hurricane? LOL Kane), which sounds awful and impossibly stupid, until you remember that Kevin Nash texted himself to powerbomb CM Punk.
You’ve got to admit that the racist tarps that Vince makes them wear to the ring are pretty sweet.
I’m amazed they don’t ALSO wear wifebeaters and ride down to the ring on a low rider bike together. Because that is WWE’s entire approximation of the Spanish-speaking world.
wait, you mean rosa mendez ISN’T the prize awarded to the best tag team in wwe? color me shocked.
Super Delfin reference?!? WOW! How about an Ebessan joke next? At any rate, my first reaction to the Mark Henry thing was poor as well. (still is really) I, however, don’t think it’s that bad. He did lose a two on one. (even if he didn’t really put up a fight.)
Rock/Cena makes me feel like a kid again. I know. intelligently, that it’s not a shoot, but they are doing such a good job of it that I feel like it is. I get caught up in it.
I’m okay making those references because they’re contextual. Like, Super Delfin’s ridiculous pinning taunt is a good way to describe what I’m going for. Not just googling “japanese wrestler funny” and droppin’ em in.
It was a compliment, man. It made me laugh. Considering that I spend more time on puro these days, I appreciated the reference. You can be so defensive, sometimes.
I’m not being defensive, I was just explaining why/how I drop them in.
How sad is it that the second Rock said “Kung Pow Bitch”, I automatically thought of this column?
Also, Cena destroyed the Rock last night. I never thought I’d say that. Ever.
Who could have predicted they’d future endeavor John Morrison just to replace him with Mark Henry? So sad.
Great read, as usual.
I’d like to see a review of WM 9. It is across-the-board horrific.
Also the WWE knows that this isn’t 1998, and not every Puerto Rican drives gold chained bikes, eats beans and has a friend who was shot a la Tyrese in “Baby Boy” or practically every movie on the hood ever, right?
I seem to remember some kayfabe commentary during the JBL/Cena feud claiming that JBL was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and that Cena came from the streets, blah blah.
“I would not be surprised to open Lawler’s cartoon portfolio and find a bunch of intense pencil sketches of him nude, riding the assy-CGI Rock Scorpion from the end of The Mummy 2.”
Expect a bill for the 55-gallon barrel of bleach I’m gonna need to clean that image out of my brain. Bad Brandon–bad, bad Brandon.
I can pay for it, I make a blogger’s wage!
I picked WMXX, LET’S GET WEIRD!
Curtis’d
WMXX would be great, but I need Brandon to break down Savage vs Steamboat
Bingo!
I read the “Let’s get weird!” as Frank Reynolds / The Lorax.
Does this Lorax fellow have a van w/a disco ball in it?
Stinger, everything is better when read in the voice of Frank Reynolds
Frank Reynolds is my profile pic and I DEMAND all my posts be read in his voice.
RumHam, is it okay if I interject pauses to allow for the Frank Reynolds voice to gargle up beer when I read your posts?
Lobster Mobster, that is more than okay.
only problem is it now takes like five minutes to read a RumHam post. Such is the price for authenticity!
As I type this I’m watching Rock vs Triple H from Backlash 2000, aka the glory days. If that Rock shows up at some point then Mania will be insane, if not I hope Cena pulls it out.
Was VERY disappointed in the Rock last night. I was just bored. On the other hand, Bateman’s promo notes made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my couch. And I wish could put AJ in my pocket, take her home, and have a slumber party. :-)
I want to have a marathon Phantasy Star Online (the one for the dreamcast) session with her.
Derrick Bateman is the best in the world
the truth
Hey man, Rock had GOOSEBUMPS! That’s real, right there. *rolleyes
Brandon, I’ve incorporated “Pre-Crisis vs. Post-Crisis” descriptions of things into my daily conversations and I wanted to thank you for that. Also, I loved the Regina Spektor reference. That is all.
As sad as it is, pre- and post- Crisis are the most accurate ways for me to put stuff into perspective. I’m a weird kind of nerd.
And yeah, Regina is the best. I need to work her in more often. Next week I’m shooting for at least one Nellie McKay joke.
I truly enjoyed Eve’s “Embrace The Hot” speech or whatever, her smarmy kiss-blow, and then her horrible pop diva-face music hit. Completely out of place and did not fit at all yet hilarious.
my favorite part was right after Cena left, the crowd was SILENT as Rocky stumbled through saying the same 5 things over and over but THE SECOND he got into the catchphrases they went nuts..
It’s really scary and uncomfortable how The Rock, and Triple H to a lesser extent, can win a crowd over. Fascism isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Miz’s Twitvid* > Rock and / or Cena’s promo last night
*as an adult I feel that I should not have to use the following words: Twitter, twit, tweet, tumblr, spotify, iPad, Beebur, glee, or smark.
what’s wrong with smark? hybrid smurfs and snorks are pretty gnarly, man.
I almost hesitate to say this for fear of jinxing it, but I’m in the “all part of the plan” camp when it comes to how the closing segment shook out. “Can Dwayne get his mojo back and truly become THE ROCK in time for the match” becomes the storyline, and it was all too perfect – from the wrist notes to the stumbling promo, to Rocky SLIPPING ON THE TURNBUCKLE when he went to do his pose at the end. It’s perfect.
I’m a little scared to say this…but it is possible that “creative” actually got something right?
Another great review considering there was literally nothing in that second hour at all. Also, I voted for Mania XX and I have the gif ready for the final page.
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What a lot of people don’t know is- that’s alternate footage from Wrestlemania XX. McMahonondorf was going to force Eddie to fight his own shadow to unify the Tri- erm, title belts. But then they decided that it would be better to just play up the Link between Benoit and Guerrero.
I’ve got it. We do Otunga vs Santino at Wrestlemania in a Thermos vs Cobra match. Since the WWE sells Cobra socks (I’m guessing) obviously Santino wins. However, the next night on RAW he confesses to Otunga that he is sad about the thermos and gives him a coffee mug. AN ARGYLE COFFEE MUG.
Then since the WWE fucks up everything I start to like later Santino finds the mug in the trash setting up a BARISTA BRAWL at the next PPV.
[img-THESTINGER.davebarista.jpg]
Oh, man, are you referencing my hilarious Twitter joke no one thought was funny but me?
[twitter.com]
guess how high I was when I typed that out
an acerbic level of high?
I don’t care what anyone says, that’s the most realistic fantasy booking in the history of this sport.
I voted for other. Write about Wrestlemania 24. You know you want to.
I do. I really do, but I thought it’d be too recent.
If Krusty needs cue cards for singing the nation anthem, Rock can write promos on his wrist
For the love of everything that is electrifying, I may… just may be on #TeamCenation now… oh dear lord, the apocalypse is on us.
That final segment though, has me absolutely mesmerized. It reminds me of the movie “Carrie”, where you have to sit through an hour of insipid high school bullshit because it makes the climactic half hour so much more satisfying. You have to endure so much crap and be convinced that it’s horrible and tiresome, because then when they GET GOT, it inflames the emotions in ways you wouldn’t otherwise have had.
When Rock started having the crowd chant random stupidity it seemed like this was the worst Raw finish since I came back last summer, and yet…Cena’s decisive takedown was only so viscerally sweet because Rock plumbed those depths.
WWE Creative doesn’t seem to script complexity on that level, so I’m totally fine assuming they accidentally created a brilliant promo ala Ralph Bakshi’s WIZARDS or something, but if they did it the way it came off…every now and then you folks can really knock it out.
I wasn’t in any way interested in this match, just treating it as something we know is coming and we have to get through. Now? Color me intrigued.
For a couple of feuding wrestlers, these guys talk about one another’s genitals an AWFUL lot. They don’t need a ring, they need a honeymoon suite.
Rock’s stuff was obviously terrible and pandering, but anyone that can string a couple words together (not Miz obviously) should be able to interrupt, not get cute and peace out before the other guy can respond. Whether he was really shook or not doesn’t make any difference to me. I wouldn’t care about these guys anyway, but the fact that Punk and Jericho touched on relatively the same subject matter but did it a BILLION times better makes the Cena/Rock thing completely irrelevant.
Still really pissed that Barrett won’t be at Wrestlemania because of Show. I hope he can get a backstage segment or something. Also, are they just going to do a Team Johnny vs. Team Long match for the midcard or are they still going to do MITB? Or both?
You call √ a checkmark?
✔ THAT is a checkmark. What you did there was math, and nobody likes math.
Also, I gotta give you a 6-hour sitdown course on footnotes.
From your friendly neighbourhood Canadian Markdown nerd.
I didn’t know how to make that one. Will replace post-haste.
How does anyone NOT vote for WM XX?
Because the three biggest matches on the card are invariably depressing and X-7 is the fuggin’ truth!
Ultimo Dragon slipping twice in his dream MSG debut is something that needs to be written about.
“I promise I don’t just like heels, I just like the people who don’t look like they’re trying so hard to make me like them.” – This x1000
I don’t have much to say on the episode other than: I don’t like Cena and I do like (not love) The Rock but, after last night I like The Rock a little less. And Cena didn’t gain any points with me. It just made me wish that this match was not the centerpiece of WM.
Thanks for another great write up, B-Stro.
Personally I’d like to see WrestleMania VI reviewed, but I had a feeling (even before seeing the results) that X-7 would win.
That Chomsky comment continues to crack me up.
Also, Best & Worst once again restores my faith in humanity. Amazing piece as always Brandon.
XVII because Foley takes part. That’s my all time favorite wrestler.
ZOMG please, please do the wonderful terribleness that was WM IX. I would love to read you tearing that show apart.
It’s interesting that Cena vs The Rock and Jericho vs Punk are working more or less the same storyline, but Jericho vs Punk is doing it a lot better after only a couple of weeks.
I enjoyed the reference to Donal Logue in a paragraph about Triple H mostly just for the fact that one is sort of an unhealthier version of the other
+10000
Ha!
While I would love to read a B&W of Wrestlemania IX, I think Brandon would have an aneurysm getting through it.
On to The Rock and Cena’s ending… I have to say I love The Rock, but dude is just annoying right now. It was great seeing him live at Survivor Series. That building exploded when he appeared, but holy shit he hasn’t saying anything. At all. No one gives a shit about the #9 special with brown rice trending on twitter. I thought he might’ve been starting to build something when he said people were sick of being force-fed Cena, but it regressed quickly. Cena owned him in that segment. I guess I’m really worried though that The Rock is going to win and we’ll get 8 months of Cena turning emo Peter Parker on us.
This BnW was great but lacked the necessary number of jet fuel explosions to keep me interested
Needed more cowbell
Brandon, this first part is directed at you specifically, and it’s not calling you a Kung Pao Bitch (which I laughed at despite my brain telling me it was fucking retarded).
Inside that 21 minutes, the Rock did show some humanity, and I felt was making some good retorts to Cena’s teardown of him last week. However, he got BOGGED THE HELL DOWN in catchphrase-creation land. Even worse for him, he DID get rattled, and I have the feeling Rock did NOT know that Cena was going to hit him the way he did last night. The fact he got rattled the way he did tends to make me think there is some legit heat building between the two of them. I am not on Team Cena and I doubt I will be there, because I have enjoyed the Rock for so long in so many roles (Nation, Corporate Champ, People’s Champ, Hollywood 2003) and I hate how WWE always has people lose in their hometowns.
That having been said, I am glad Cena has finally found a groove, a real groove where he’s got a mean, determined streak. I was SO SICK TO DEATH of his Dudley Do-Right persona, and his always being happy, and it’s good to see him pissed off in a real way, and slamming someone without resorting to his degree in Thuganomics. I really hope he stays this way post-Wrestlemania, because although the ring work still makes me cringe sometimes (always know when the Five Moves of Doom are coming), I like the mic work in the past two weeks.
Now, general comments. Punk and Jericho will steal the show. This has the potential of being the best pure wrestling match at Mania since AT LEAST Jericho and Shawn Michaels in 2003, if not Steamboat-Savage in 1987 (which was my first Wrestlemania). Punk had it perfect: no gimmicks, no promos, no fancy gear, just two guys in tights and a ring wrestling to prove who is the best in the world.
HHH-Taker, as I said last week, will only be good if they’re allowed to bend some rules. A little blood will help sell the Streak story as something huge and intense, something that one guy is determined to end because he’s tired of being thought of as second-best to his buddy, and the other guy is willing to kill himself to maintain. Went back and watched the match from last year, and they really DID do a great job of storytelling. Call it dragged out if you want, but Jesus, they had us questioning the Streak’s survival for the first time in FOREVER.
Bryan-Sheamus has almost an afterthought feeling, because Bryan’s been getting bounced around between people, so I hope to God this week on Smackdown they get the mic time to start telling their story, too, because it can be a good match, the power guy versus the submission specialist.
Final note: Rock saying “This Business” so much made me laugh, especially after the thread in the comments tying it to taking a dump last night, which had me in tears laughing.
NO RUM HAM OR STINGER AS BEST COMMENTS? Whoops. Caps lock.
We were funny when there were fewer people commenting. Now ol’ Rummy and I have been outshined by everyone else. Don’t mourn for us, though, as we’ll always have our memories.
Well I actually bailed at about 9:20 last night…
But THESTINGER is right. Every week there is an influx of about 5 people who I find saying way funnier things than I could ever think of. Seriously. Everyone here is hilarious.
I mean, THESTINGER and I are the END OF AN ERA. THIS BUSINESS THIS BUSINESS BLAH BLAH BLAH.
We’re the end of an era. None of these new kids have what it takes to do some real smashmouth commenting week in and week out.
All there’s left for us to do is finish this at Starrcade, RumHam.
*Slow point to Starrcade sign*
I can’t give THESTINGER a comment of the week if I’m giving him hype blurbs in the pre-show notes! And shut up, you guys are hilarious.
You’re right. If it wasn;t for the name, I’d be way funnier thn Rum Ham. Eheeh!
Guns don’t kill people, the guy wearing Test’s shirt does
After reading your review…I…I think I hate the Rock! No wait, I find him informative and witty. Dissent in the Uproxx writer ranks!
Oh, and Wrestlemania XI — I still love the Bam Bam Bigelow main event.
Even NASCAR started referencing Trending Topics during the BOOMJETFUELTRUCK, which won’t help the constant comparisons between the two.
WrestleMania XX, because I’m a fan of the idea of you awkwardly trying to explain the ending.
You’re an evil man, Holzerman.
For whatever reason I feel like Cena saying “It’s not your strudel, it’s your penis,” is a defining moment of my wrestling-watching career. I only started watching in the post-WCW birth-of-ROH days and have had to deal with overromanticized garbage for the past decade. I’m so far past diva danceoffs and goofy nicknames for body parts that when they’re drudged up again by mailing-it-in veterans it makes me want to tear my hair out.
It’s your penis, Rock. That’s what mature adults can call it. No one explodes when they say it.
One other thing, people: When Punk did his amazing speech last June that made me care about wrestling again, HE HAD NOTES ON HIS WRIST TAPE. So while Rock’s were more obvious, just know that Punk did the same and owned up to it in subsequent interviews about it.
yea Punk said in a shoot (him & Cabana) that he doesn’t script his promos but he will jot down ideas/notes on napkins or whatever is nearby so when that whole thing happened I wasn’t surprised.
Writing promos on your wrist is something I do not consider bad, I have a pretty terrible memory for words, and if I wanted to ensure my promo were to go swimmingly I’d jot ‘Do Miz impression in German accent’ and ‘”My wee-little size 9 boots up your ass” in Irish accent’ and ‘Get them to chant “colostomy”‘ somewhere on my body.
I shall now post in Kayfabe somewhat. Punk had a nice, elaborate and meaningful set-up of words on display, not surprised he needed some bits written down. The Rock had nothing impressive or original to say, the only thing worth mentioning was the camo-shorts-invisible-balls thing, until it trended worldwide. The Rock is a mooovie star, who has to memorize mooovie scripts, he has done at least 18,548 promos, the shit he said the other night, is not something that you have to write down to remember, because the crowd will shout it all out beforehand anyway.
This is just a note from one of the many people who read and enjoy this column every week, for whom the live threads have become an integral part of current wrestling fandom, and who is grateful for all the free entertainment you provide.
So much of internet wrestling discussion is dedicated to how other internet wrestling fans are wrong/stupid/homosexual and part of what made me such a big fan of Best And Worst was the absence of that. Most of B/W is still free from it, but every now and then a tone creeps in where it seems you’re not talking to the people that actually read your column, but the few that stumble across it and call you a gay-vegan-Rock-hater before leaving. The section telling us not to assume everything is a ‘shoot’ had an edge of this.
I don’t know. This column is still awesome and I’ll stop pointing out the one thing about it I don’t enjoy about it and go back to revelling in a webpage existing that fuses my appreciation of WWE and Regina Spektor together into one.
How gay of you, sir.
No, negative criticism is important, I’ve just talked to a lot of reasonable people online today who’ve been all SO Y’THINK IT WAS A SHOOT or HOW COULD CENA SHOOT ON ROCk, and I’ve been all “argh, no”
So that may have creeped in, yes. But I’ve always come right out and said wrestling fans are goons.
Most seem to have goonish qualities, true, but there are some that are hardly goon-like at all. So much so that if you stripped away their love of wrestling they’d be almost indistinguishable from reasonable, educated, thoughtful adults. It’s a testament to your column that it’s attracted such a large amount of them, to a possibly previously unseen degree. Which is kind of my point. Most wrestling sites have to talk down to their readership by necessity, but your site really doesn’t. So it feels a little jarring when it very occasionally does. That’s all.
On a side note, I’ve seen a couple of comments here saying that WithLeather readers just copy whatever opinion you have. Like what you like, hate what you hate. My take on it is that your kind of voice is so rare in the world of wrestling commentary that the kind of people that already think like you do flock here. It’s part of why The Daily Show is so beloved (and similarly, wouldn’t work if it wasn’t also really well-made, consistently hilarious, etc). I’m sure you also change opinions and turn people on to things they’d otherwise have missed, but as evidenced by the live threads enjoying stuff that subsequently gets a Best in the report, I don’t think it’s just that.
And finally, hopefully you’ll take it as a compliment that I’m writing these long, boring comments cause good god is there not another wrestling site where I’d bother.
I definitely take that as a compliment, and I’ll consider the criticism. I could probably stand to be nicer to wrestling fans, as I love a lot of them.
Certainly the first time I’ve ever actually cheered for John Cena to make an appearance. And the Punk/Jericho confrontation was the best bit of show opening speech I’ve seen in a while.
Oh also I voted for X-7, but I’d really love to see either Wrestlemania IV or Wrestlemania X. I don’t think X gets enough talk amongst the other.
Excellent work as always Brandon. I voted WMXX, solely because I was there, and thus will always fondly remember the Hulk Hogan chant during the Goldberg/Lesnar match.
The Eve segment was certainly better than last week’s travesty, but like you said, I’d rather they create logical storylines ahead of time instead of creating ad hoc explanations after the fact. Even so, Cole was yelling at the end that Eve can’t help but throw herself at men, which is not only the EXACT OPPOSITE of what a seductress does, but also something Eve never did to Ryder or anyone else, except literally that one time at Cena, out the back of an ambulance, to avoid being rape-torture-murdered by Kane. C’mon, guys, you’re getting your misogynistic stereotypes mixed up!
Two things they can do to salvage this:
1) Emphasize that it’s not her sexuality that’s at issue but rather how she uses it. That’s the difference between faces and heels. Big Show is a large, often angry, destructive man, and so is Mark Henry, but Henry utilizes those characteristics to wreak havoc outside of sporting contests and deliberately injure those in his way. Kelly Kelly has feminine sexuality (ALL our divas are smart, sexy, and powerful, King!) but doesn’t use it to manipulate people and turn friends against each other. This distinction isn’t hard to make, and it keeps you from looking like f*cking Neanderthals. Make her Salome instead of Hester Prynne (if Hawthorne really hated/was threatened by assertive women and reflected that in his writing).
2) Reveal that Kane and Eve have been dating all this time. It’s the only way the entire last three months or so make any sense. And look, you well know Kane alternates periods of being hell incarnate/the Devil’s Favirote Son/whatever with the periods where he’s acting in Chef Boyardee commercials or teaming with the Hurricane or doing spinaroonies. Since we’re evidently, conveniently forgetting that Kane just got annihilated by Cena at EC, let’s team up Kane and Eve and just let them be the most hilarious, ridiculous evil power couple since Edge and Lita. Or Vickie and Eric Escobar.
Seriously, let’s see them on dates. Eve worrying that Kane doesn’t know how to drive well enough, Kane wearing a denim shirt with red yarn stitched into it in the same pattern as his onesie wrestling outfit, presenting her with dead flowers, “We’ll have the Lovers’ Special, two porterhouses… CHARRED” as they laugh evilly. She’s a temptress who uses her sexual assets to put men in vulnerable positions, and then Kane visits insane amounts of violence upon them. Tell me that wouldn’t be streets ahead of what they’re doing now.
I’d love to see option 2. Eve and Kane want to see a movie, but the line is too long, it’ll be sold out! So Eve charms her way to the front, and after getting two tickets (Maybe to Paradise, not sure what’s showing at the multiplex), Kane yanks the salesman through the ticket booth.
Also, I’d like to see Eve running late, so Kane uses his fire-powers to quick-dry her hair or something insanely stupid.
Another great read Brandon. And for anyone who didn’t understand the @DadBoner reference, for fuck sakes follow him on twitter. CUZ STONE COLD KARL WELZEIN SAID SO!
John Cena…not gay?
Also, The Rock needs to hit on one of the Divas and he will officially be Wooderson.
When is The Rock gonna say “trending worldwide” is trending worldwide…BITCH
Brandon has permanently ruined the Rock for me. I think I’m a better person for it. Thanks, Brandon! /jc not g
Brandon, not sure if you know this or not, but this was a super-awesome write-up, as usual. You are the guy what is really great at writing.
I did know that! (thank you!)
See, I’m glad I went with sincerity instead a facetious rant about how you should just stop having opinions and just craft jokes for free. First thought is usually best, especially when my second thought involves my attempts at humor!
“The kids in the crowd go NYAH HEE HEE NYAH HEE HEE WHOA, WHOA because they’re babies and like funny noises and don’t understand jokes. ” -Quite possibly the greatest scathing comment ever produced by Best and Worst.
One thing I wanted to point out though, and I know it can be swept under as ‘Triple H Gay’ but a few weeks ago when Triple H cut his promo about him, Shawn and Undertaker were the last of a different era who left it all in the ring, Brandon and several others (aka literally everyone else who watches wrestling and writes about it on the internet) shit all over him for being a selfish cock who buried the entire WWE roster.
Jericho says last night that he’s ‘part of a dying breed’ whose concern was great matches, not fame or money, that the were ‘given nothing but took everything’, so much in the same vein as Triple H, takes a big steamy one right on the current roster. However no one points this out. Everyone just golf claps and says “wow what a great promo Chris cut”. Is this me nit picking, or has the entire internet just joined hands and decided fuck Triple H no matter what?
It’s mostly because Jericho is the complaining, deluded bad guy and Triple H is the COO super tough bad ass good guy who everyone loves and believes.
That’s not what Jericho said. He said he was a part of a dying breed of performers that toured the world and became stars before they ever got to the WWE. He’s right! The territories and rival companies that allowed wrestlers to do that are gone.
Daniel Bryan and CM Punk are the biggest non-WWE stars in years, and even they arrived on WWECW and NXT respectively.
…After working for years in indy feds and Japan.
Right, which is why I said non-WWE and also the entire reason I mentioned them.
Also, the whole “given nothing but took everything” thing? Yeah, that’s not Trips. He rode the Clique’s coattails in and was a second-tier star until he started banging the boss’ daughter and Austin screwed his neck up and Rock left to make movies.
CPREA: Randy Savage’s ghost read that comment and sighed “too soon, too soon. . . “
Why do the crowds still gobble up Rocky’s trash? I’ve been a devoted Cena-Hater for a long time, but being in the Minneapolis crowd last week, I couldn’t boo him after his second promo. After last night, I actually am beginning to respect the guy. I have to believe this all worked so Cena won’t get booed out of the building at Mania, but damn, he’s spitting some pretty good truth. Rock sucks right now.
The best part was the way the Rock just stalked around wide-eyed, like he always does, like he’s trying to hold in a pee.
Great column, btw. Seriously–I loved it.
That would be the cocaine that makes him pace like that.
Seriously, fantastic job with the columns, Brandon. I haven’t followed wrestling as closely these days as I did as a kid (Late NWA/Early WCW thru Attitude Era), but I look forward to these every Tuesday.
Cena eviscerated Rocky last night. Only person who could have burned Rocky more was 2001 Rock.
The Rock being so bad now is making me re-think liking the Rock during the Attitude Era. Was I just obsessed with three-syllable things with B-show swears in chant form that whole time?
Awesome read as always, Brandon.
Now that Teddy Long is the new GM of Raw, you may be getting those extra tag matches you wanted, Brandon!
This column is the only reason for Tuesday.
Oh, and tacos, of course.
So Eve Torres got called a hoeski by John Cena and thus turned heel?
No way, man. She turned heel at least 2 minutes before he called her a hoeski.
Band of Outsiders Reference!
#Menswear
Pre boob job Amia Miley does a great porn imitation of AJ. True story.
I don’t think I would be as interested in wrestling again if it wasn’t for these columns. Fantastic as always.
The only best missing was seeing Jericho bust out the full on Lion Tamer on Punk on the ramp. It makes me sad everytime Y2J just puts on a Boston Crab for the Walls, when it looks like someone’s vertabrae are seriously getting fucked? That’s a hold.
Another hold = armbar.
Is anyone else noticing that Rocky is becoming a parody of himself?
Yes.
The Rock used to be awesome, because he had a sense of humor about himself. The whole People’s Champ thing came from when everybody hated him. But then one morning, The Rock woke up and thought “I REALLY AM THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP” and started tweeting emotional, faux-inspirational bullshit. He used to wear $500 shirts that were obviously awful and inexpensive, he had big goofy side burns because it was funny, and he said his catchphrases to specifically be an annoying heel/foil to Steve Austin. At one point, he took most of these things but did them without that smirk, and that’s when he started being awful.
Harraby, I never did mind that persona of his. It was what made me a huge fan in the first place. The horrible shirts, the sideburns, all of the, “KNOW YOUR ROLE AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH” stuff was amazing. It was when he started saying shit like, “OH AND BY THE WAY…..FRUITY PEBBLES….NOW TRENDING!” and the, “K EVERYONE, START CHANTING PINECONES ON THREE! 1…2……3!”.
The Rock is at his best when he’s doing the goofy shit that made it work in the first place. It’s this whole, “trending” shit that boggles my mind. It’s when he tries mixing the goofy shit with a serious tone. It doesn’t work. He either needs to be serious the entire time, or be goofy the entire time, but not both. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Cena’s got the higher score right now, and he scored a perfect 10 IN BRIGHT, BLINKING, NEON LIGHTS (because who doesn’t love that shit?) when he basically said, “Rocky, listen up…idk what you call you call your penis these days, but just wanted to let you know that I’m gonna straight up murder your ass.”
Also, as a long-time fan of Rocky jerking off to himself, last night was disappointing.
Wrist notes (aka Sarah Palin mode) had to be on purpose. There’s no way a performer as experienced as Dwayne Johnson comes out with those on. Not after the last time he was on the show and was word for word perfect in his promo. Keep up the good work.
Even the most experienced singers f**k up sometimes.
There’s people who f**k up the National Anthem too! Can’t forget them!
Please tell me I’m not the only person who noticed Primo’s hilarious botch of running the ropes for no reason. He looked like he wanted a running neckbreaker, but he just stopped until R-Truth did something.
Tweet’d, Facebook’d, Tumblr’d, Google+’d…
And, yes, you do say that like a Shakespearean actor should…
Another piece of gold. Well done. Glad you had video recaps, because I had to give up the TV at the tag triple threat.
How about Royal Rumble 2012 for a recap you haven’t done?
*throws up hands in defense of potential verbal volleys*
nice
Love where Cena v. rock is going. Hope they put Rock in the ring with Ziggler or another on the cusp wrestling and make him look sluggish. The only way the storyline works is if the
Rock is the underdog.
Definitely do Wrestlemania X-7. It was a great show and it doesn’t have as much Benoit/Guerrero unpleasantness as XX. Also, it’s crazy how relevant it is to Wrestlemania 28. It featured Triple H/Undertaker I. It was the last time The Rock really wrestled full time. And it was the end of the Attitude Era, which has become a plot point in the Rock/Cena, Triple H/Undertaker, and Jericho/Punk feuds. It’s a must.
Great read, as usual, thanks!
How does David Otunga’s “this guy” not get a best?
How about a “worst” for the ending running over by at least 16 minutes. My DVR is set to record an addition 16 minutes, and it cut out just a Cena did his “Wow, I had to come down and be a part this” stuff. I have yet to see his Rock-Takedown.
Also, Punk ripping on Jericho’s light-brite jacket is the only thing that made my wife lol.
I put the video in the column on the page about it, you could just watch it there.
Excellent column as always, Brandon. The Regina Spektor reference ensures that I’ll be a devoted reader for the duration of this column.
Was that explanation of a “shoot” a shoot? Cause I think it was a shoot…Brandon…Brandon…let me tell you something.
Great article.
What I’m trying to figure out is who I’m supposed to be cheering for in the Cena/Rock match is supposed to be. Is it John Cena, the misogynist bully who is hated by half the audience? Or is it The Rock, the homophobic bully, who uses hegemonic masculinity as a weapon with all the subtlety of a kick to the nuts?
I tried to tone that down this week, because as preachy as I can get, the basic understanding is that wrestling is dumb and I’m okay with it.
Way to pull a “Vince McMahon is the Higher/Greater Power” reveal on who will be covering the Best and Worst of Wrestlemania.
IT WAS ME, READERS! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!
#heelturn
The Rock/Cena feud COULD BE the perfect vehicle for reinforcing the WWE’s anti-bullying campaign. The way to respond to someone calling you names, encouraging crowds to gang up on you, etc., is to do what Cena did–laugh it off, because you have total confidence in how you are and what you do, and don’t care what other people think. Or, the other tried-and-true-but-less-PC method of dealing with bullies, which is to stand up to them/punch them in the mouth. Cena’s doing both.
I say COULD BE, because we know it won’t, and no mater who wins this match the mental 13-yr-olds who write the WWE will go right back to the well (and also because Cena’s not exactly clean on this front).
But, I liked John Cena more Monday night than in the previous 10 years combined.
Again, why say “fuck” if you’re just going to star it out? Either say it or don’t.
Those aren’t stars, they’re assholes. He’s being even MORE offensive.
Do you not ever check back to see if I’ve responded? I responded to this last week.
Regarding why I don’t type the u and the c, from the last time you asked:
“I type fuck like that because I write for a mainstream blog with sponsors, and they get mad when fuck shows up in the body of a post they’re sponsoring. Because I want to make money (but still want to say fuck) I type f**k.
I am okay looking like a 13 year old mark with a wrestling livejournal if that wrestling livejournal pays my bills.”
Brandon, I would have just left it at “What Lester said” and be done with it. And besides, starring out swears makes them resonate more. It’s why South Park’s are a lot funnier on TV when they swear out the cusses.
Pre-Crisis/Post-Crisis as a simple explanatory device is awesome.
Soon to be updated to “Pre-New 52″ and “Post-New 52″
I watched Raw again last night because I was out of needles to stick in my eyes, I made thoughts:
It’s gonna be Kelly Kelly vs Eve at WM isn’t it? Welp, they have to put something between “random backstage skit” and “Douche-Rock Concert”, don’t they?
“Even guys like Heath Slater and JTG have footage of them losing in moments to a fat dancing dinosaur who is never appearing again.”
I WANT MY DISCO BARNEY BACK RIGHT NOW!!!
I could not pull my senses away from Punk-Jericho the entire time. I feel like they set the bar so high with their opening promo, there was not a trending topic or a “I’ma beat ya ass, Jack.” Cena and Rock could use to match it. I wish they could be like 2 1/2 hours of Mania (Along with some Ziggler, Cody and Beth vs. Kharma (I still have hope.)) Put HHH/Taker and Rock/Cena on Superstars or something.
If The Rock plans on having a sing-a-long the next time he shows up, he needs to whip out the guitar. #RockyNelson
HBK is coming back to add some more to the discussion of THIS BUSINESS. What’s he gonna say? He already got HHH to agree to the match. “Yep, Taker was right, I AM better than HHH, You didn’t see it, but when he was on my hunting show, I had to kill all his alligators for him.”
Brandon, I love reading this thing every week. You are straight up changing the wrestling journalism game.
HBK is going to add, “JESUS LOVES” to, “THIS BUSINESS”
Basketball shorts >>>>> Wrestling in leather whitey tighties
I wish I could take credit for:
- Inventing Canada
- Bad Eve
Since there’s really no other place for this (and I don’t have a Twitter, and thus I CANNOT TREND WORLDWIDE), I LOVED this week’s NXT. Especially the Kaitlyn-Maxine match with Bateman and Curtis on commentary. Somebody needs to make all of 4 them stars.
was hoping to see ‘Taker with the short hair this week. im guessing he wont show up hatless until wrestlemania? also woulda been nice to see Triple H and HBK fight at ‘mania after Undertaker called HHH out on him not being as good as Shawn.
I know I’m SUPER late on this, but thanks for including me in the Comments of the Week, Brandon. This column is honestly the highlight of my workday on Tuesday.
I have a lot of love for this column. It genuinely adds to my enjoyment of watching WWE.
Looking at the landscape of the WWE, does anybody else feel like we should toss another couple of belts (one for each “brand”) into the mix? I know too many belts can dilute the product (TNA) but WCW successfully carried the heavyweight title, TV, US and cruiserweight championships in addition to the tag straps. I, for one, would like to see the European Championship return to Raw and perhaps a Television Title for Smackdown (since we all know WWE doesn’t “do” light heavyweight/cruiserweights).
they barely even use the secondary (IC, US) belts they have now what would be the point of having more?
I’m not sure starting a show with HBK is ever bad.