Best: Josh Mathews Makes An Ass Out Of You And Me
I love how tightly booked the opening half hour was. We started with Jericho and Punk feud, transitioned into simultaneous Punk/Bryan, Laurinaitis/Long and Otunga/Santino feuds, transitioned from THERE into Laurinaitis/Punk, then smoothly back into Punk and Jericho for the finish. That’s beautifully put together, and even if certain feuds encroached onto ones I’d like to see more, it was still a great example of how wrestling shows can happen.
The next hour is … not that.
It is, however, extremely hilarious to see Cole and Lawler send it back for a medical update only to have Josh Mathews standing in a hallway talking about how Punk is madder than he is injured. Do we have any sort of verification on that? Did he just make it up, because it sounded right? Are we left to assume that they had one of those “CM PUNK, I JUST WANTED TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS ON WHAT WENT DOWN EARLIER TONIGHT WITH CHRIS JERICHO” things where Punk yelled “I’M NOT HURT, I’M MAD” and then rolled away on the operating table while Josh stood there trying to lower his head down inbetween his shoulderblades, remaining silent?
I wanted Josh to be all, “It looks like CM Punk is madder than he is hurt. Just kidding, his back is broken. Back to you, Michael”.
Best: The Right Way To Do Recap Videos
One of the best ways to know the emotional story a wrestler is trying to tell in the ring is to have the people commentating it steer you in the same direction. That’s why wrestling announcers are so important, and why Michael Cole’s infuriating insult-train and independent wrestling’s penchant for guys who scream and make Fun Jokez are so equally awful: if Jim Ross says Mick Foley is dead and he sounds like he means it enough, I’m gonna go “oh god, is he dead?”
That’s what I liked about last night’s revisiting of the Triple H vs. Undertaker match from WrestleMania XXVII. I’m not a huge fan of the match itself — I’ve never been a fan of Triple H’s interpretation of a Big Match Story being “we hit each other with stuff and lie around, and then at the end we make so many faces” — but showing the major moments and having popular wrestlers tell the story again made it seem like the most important thing that has ever happened, and that’s great.
Exposition works really well when you’re looking back on things … VH1 got like five years or programming out of Donal Logue or whoever saying “Glow Worm is a worm that lights up when you hug it”. Exposition while something is happening is the WORST, but if Edge says “Undertaker was starting to show weakness and humanity and Triple H knew he had to kill him to finish him off”, that’s an important thing for us to know, and a great way to tell us without spittle-screaming it like Stimpy for 20 minutes on Raw.
Worst: Pretty Soon The Divas Matches Are Just Gonna Be Amoeba Slides
Things I observed during the Divas match
1. Someone needs to tell Kelly Kelly that a bridge isn’t “impressive” if you fall all the way back and then bridge. You have to bridge back. Post-move bridges are for the birds, you might as well be doing the Super Delfin taunt at the end.
2. The match should’ve ended in silence and we should’ve watched Kelly pose for a minute and head to the back, and then like 70 seconds later Cole should’ve screamed WAIT A MINUTE, TWIN MAGIC! to no one in particular, then just sorta looked around like he had no idea where he was.
3. I observed no other things during this Divas match.
Best/Worst: Cena Getting Main Eventer Clean Wins/Miz Being Completely Irrelevant
The Best: John Cena is going into a match with The Rock at Wrestlemania that is being called the “biggest match in wrestling history”. The only thing he’s done since, like, June of last year has been beating R-Truth on a pay-per-view with the help of a child, literally losing the title to CM Punk, beating Alberto Del Rio for the championship in apathetic fashion on what seemed like six straight pay-per-views and having an ambulance three-way with Kane and a guy in a wheelchair.
If we’re to buy that Cena is the Best and Most Important guy of this generation, he’s got to have matches like this where he just shows up and smokes a guy. It’s unfortunate that Miz has to be a victim of that, but at this point Miz shouldn’t have any chance against him — if Miz couldn’t win HANDICAP matches against Cena, he shouldn’t be able to stop John’s basic chain of monster dog-jumping offense one-on-one. He shouldn’t muster more than an “WAIT, WAIT… ah shit /taps out” when he’s in the STF. Cena should be the f**king Terminator heading into Mania, and Rock should be the legendary champion who nobody expects to lose. Hogan, Andre.
The Worst: The “HEY MIZ, REMEMBER WHEN YOU MATTERED?” sign was less of an ice burn and more of a teeth-gritting “eesh, you’re right”. Miz lost Alex Riley like Samson lost his f**king hair. At this point all he can do is go back to bed with not much hair left on his head. Eat a slice of wonderbread and go right back to bed.
Worst: Jerry Lawler Is Masturbating Under The Table Right Now
We get it, Jerry, you like The Rock. You don’t have to sound like you’re blushing and shuffling your feet every time he’s mentioned. Lawler’s nervous, “heh, wow, there’s only one The Rock. The ROCK! Later tonight! Oh I can’t wait!” made him sound like Butters from South Park.
I would not be surprised to open Lawler’s cartoon portfolio and find a bunch of intense pencil sketches of him nude, riding the assy-CGI Rock Scorpion from the end of The Mummy 2.