It's true, he doesn't. Sign credit: @Jo3yHuds
Pre-show notes:
- I mentioned in yesterday’s Best And Worst Of WWE Elimination Chamber ’12 that I’m looking for a fill-in for Best and Worst of Wrestlemania. The response has been overwhelming, so please, if you don’t get a personalized response in the next few days, don’t worry — I’m terrible at e-mails and am considering you. I promise!
- Don’t be afraid to leave a comment on this report. Not really afraid of that on the “Eve Torres is a bitch” week, but still, we’ve build a great community of intelligent, funny wrestling fans and you should be a part of it, because seriously, you aren’t gonna find it anywhere else.
- Big thanks again to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his brand new gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use.
- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.
- This is a late edition to the report, but the greatest thing other than a sign on Raw has happened to me. I participated in today’s #AskAGM hashtag, and got this response:
/swoon
Please enjoy today’s Best and Worst of WWE Raw for February 20, 2012. It starts off a little heavy, but it gets stupider, I promise.
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Where’s my vegan cake? :(
go get a piece of that orange chocolate cake at The Vegetable Garden and tell me how much it is, I’ll send you a check
I’ve only read the first two pages, but before the jokes start, I want to give you a virtual fist bump, Brandon. You talked about the Eve thing honestly and passionately but not pedantically. I agree, this is something we should be moving on from in the 21st Century, *especially* if we want to be PG. So, job well done.
Thanks, friend. It’s a hard thing to write about.
People should care and there shouldnt be anything you should have to “get over”. There is no reason WWE can’t be something to look up to and still entertaining.
Well put (as always)
Ask and ye shall receive:
[www.stumpsparty.com]
In your choice of colors!
I love you. Ordering immediately.
Brandon, there’s a minimum order of 72 mugs. I’m just throwing it out there, but if someone were to try to sell me an argyle mug with “>=( MAEK COFFEEZ” printed on it, I would buy 7.
Didn’t notice the minimum order. I would definitely throw in on 85′s idea.
Brandon Stroud treats objects like women, man.
-The Bro
Is that anything like The ‘Stro?
Ooh, La-La!
Yeah, the whole Eve-Cena thing was uncomfortable… unless the WWE is planning on turning Cena (not happening) and just using this as a cover up. Kinda like the whole…. Steph-Jericho thing or Trish-Jericho thing… hum…. Jericho is cool.
Also, im holding out for the pink Dolph shirt…. I know it exists….
Only read the first two pages like JSF, but already, you deserve a standing ovation. Great, impassioned work, and it’s the reason that even though my wrestling intake these days amounts to YouTube clips, I read your column: because you are a fierce, take-no-prisoners writer, and the personal stuff you bare here is what makes this writing a cut above the brilliant jokes and nerd references you weave in.
Thank you. You’d think after doing it so long writing would get easier. I’m glad to have people like you around to read it.
Good Lord. Slow clap for page two.
Thank you. Wish I didn’t have to write it.
dude, every week you bitch about how sexist, racist, homophobic and un PC WWE is. Not one week goes by without out you complaining. “Slut Shaming” is some B.S. feminist crap, invented to tell girls it’s ok to be a whore. Get over it man. I used to really like this column but you keep craming in you’re progressive viewpoint into it. It’s just a show you read way to much into it. And I haven’t even got that far but I am sure you will cry foul about teddy longs Fairy comment.
No, there is such things as women being whores…. But Eve didnt pull a Lita. Im also pretty sure that they didnt know where they were going with this until sunday night/early monday morning
Hi there. You know your opinions on this matter? You have them because you, in fact, also hate women.
Go away now. You are too dumb for here.
You must be a big hit with the ladies.
It is pretty interesting that you can still get negative feedback for saying “we shouldn’t treat women badly”. I’m not gonna call you names or anything, but if you use the phrase “B.S. feminist crap”, you may be part of the problem.
Also, CM Punk is in a “twitter feud” with Chris Brown because you know… Chris Brown is a piece of shit and hits women and laughs about it.
CM Punk is a star. Cena is the New York Yankees
Not wanting to make 51% of the world look like two-dimensional whores is not a “progressive viewpoint.” It’s being a decent human.
It’s also 2012. WHY MUST WE STILL HAVE THIS TALK?
Yes, isn’t it so lovely that you can accuse someone of having ‘herpes’, being full of ‘skank-juice’ and being a ‘hoski/hoeski’ for KISSING you, which YOU RECIPROCATED and have people cheer you for it.
Oh wait… no, it just signifies WWE’s weird way of making Divas only fit outdated stereotypes i.e ‘harlot’, ‘whore’ and ‘bitch’.
That segment disgusted me and should be the case for everyone.
Taker, please read the book Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy. Also, please read.
don’t like it? DON’T READ IT.
[www.gifflix.com]
Team Breezy in the house?
You know how Dolph Ziggler’s finishing moves all suck? Why not let him use The Figure Four? No one has used that in years, he can do crunches while his opponent is tapping, and he could call it The Ziggler Four Leg Lock. Seems perfect to me. If he farted while doing it, that would be even better considering the current state of the WWE.
Excellent!
I would love to see him do a fisherman’s suplex, but Cena already does that in a non-finishing fashion.
ive seen him do a superkick a few times, id love for him to just take that. but if he must stick w/the taking of every blonde hairs moves then a figure 4 or a fisherman suplex would suffice
I dont understand the hate with the Zig Zag. It comes from no where, is literally slamming the back of the guys head down with your whole weight and can be reversed…. its like the RKO but not lame
Hi guys! It’s me, @Jo3yhuds from aforementioned article. Yay for me!
Anyway, for the record, security did steal one of my favorite signs about 3 minutes after HHH’s appearance
SAY “BUSINESS”
Brilliant.
you are the greatest person in the world (personal comment)
+1
+1 MAEK POOPIES achievement.
Amazing. I chose not to go awhile back, but if I had gone, I was totally going to make with a massive and simple… >=(
You know what that’s actually hilarious because that means someone from behind the scenes saw it and had this internal dialogue. “Oh shit, HHH says that too much. That might make him look bad if someone points this out visually on our program.” SECURITY!!!
It’s looks like I was actually able to get the sign on in that totally normal moment when the lighting went back to normal for HHH’s entrance. [twitpic.com]
EPIC.
awesome!
I think this is you. Otunga took you for Otunga Cosplayers, I think!
[twitter.com]
The silver lining in that whole mess is how profoundly crushed Primo and Epico look in that picture at the prospect of ‘hoeski’ trending.
hahaha agreed
Today, I found out Community is coming back on March 15th and I was all like, “Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!”
doing the same thing right now, pointing at my waist for no reason
I point at my waist all the time saying, “Yes! Yes! YES!”. But, trust me…there IS a reason.
Inappropriate comment, M4G3RK.
Totally agree with you about how creative threw Eve under the bus. They knew the Cena/Kane storyline was a bust, but they couldn’t just abort and pretend that the last month didn’t happen. Even though they routinely do that with divas and mid to low-carders. Awful.
Having said that. I like that the WWE’s production values allow you a small character bit to latch onto. Like Jericho refusing to shake Punk’s hand. Since Raw “has to” end with whatever god awful bon mot Cole can serve up we don’t get to hear what Punk says, but you can read his lips. “I thought so.” Or after Jericho leaves the ring, rather than head for the ramp, he circles back to the announce table and plainly asks “Is he alright?” Its truly the little things.
i really do enjoy this column bro and look foward too it every week, i think it’s funny and original. im just tired of getting beat over the head with “the writers are intolorent” every week. You see the boogeyman (not the wresteler) in every episode. Some of you’re critisism’s are valid but alot reach. I don’t think they we’re “Slut Shaming” EVE, it was just a convienent way to end the story. Hope that clear things Brandon. Go Tribe
Zack? Are you really that hurt?
In the simplest way possible: In what kind of tolerant society does it make sense to call a woman five different kinds of ‘whore’ for daring to kiss another wrestler who had just heroically saved her.
It is beneath anyone, not even considering WWE’s low track record for this.
Hey, bro, how’s it going? Dick hanging low? I know mine is!
Anyway, I just thought we could have a chat. You know, I think you have a point, but I don’t think you understand the problem all of us progressive bros and hos* have with it.
See, homeboy, we’re okay with this being a story or something. It’s whatever. You ever see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Pretty fucking sweet movie, amiright? I don’t think Brandon is upset that Leatherface wants to murder women because Leatherface is supposed to be a bad guy.
Bro, taker, takerbro, I think the problem is that when it’s a good guy doing this stuff and doing so in a way to get the crowd cheering for him that it has become something ugly.
Cool, bro?
*To be fair, I’m not a progressive bro. I don’t like you progressive and liberal types. I’m a socialist bro.
I’m going to pretend that this is all performance art.
Okay, I was lazy and just said “you’re dumb” the first time, so look, here’s the deal.
There are three things at hand that make this very, very bad.
1) It’s not okay to call a woman a “skank”(/skank juice), a “whore”(/hoeski), or imply that she has STDs. It’s especially not okay to do so publicly. That is definitely bullying, and it goes to the level of hate speech. It’s not different from using the n-word, or calling someone a fag. It’s just a variation on “I am a privileged white straight male; you are a different thing than that, I am mocking you for it.” It’s not okay. If you call women skanks or whores, you’re being hateful, and you should stop.
2) John Cena is a hero. This is a product tailored for children. John Cena is teaching children that it’s good to hurl sexual insults at children. This is really, really upsetting.
3) Eve wasn’t even being sexually forward with anyone. She kissed one dude, and occasionally implied that she might go on a date with another. If Eve did something wrong, it was that she was manipulative and deceitful, not that she committed any sexual misdeed. So John Cena is using an unrelated occasion as an opportunity to call a girl bad names.
NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. Please try to understand that. And please try to understand that there’s no such thing as “B.S. feminist crap,” there are just things that you don’t seem to understand. Make yourself a better person – learn about them.
Great I just finished replying to everyone on yesterday’s discussion thread, (even though no one reads it the day after, oh well), can’t wait to read this weeks B&W.
Wow, your little “rape culture” diatribe was off base and the same sort of holier-than-thou BS that you just claimed you were above. When you started this blog, I thought “Here’s a guy who is willing to discuss wrestling intelligently.” I thought you were better than the average dumbass internet wrestling writer. Well, I was way wrong. This column has devolved from high brow analysis (like your piece when Vince said to the fans and CM Punk “I Don’t give a damn what you want.”) To your constant preaching and boring anecdotes from your life.
Get off your high horse amd just analyze the wrestling without the biased glasses of your life experiences. Maybe I’ll read this again in a year but I’m done reading about your youth, health issues and girfriend issues. I’ll just watch the wrestling and hope for people better at this than you.
Hey the9! GTFO.
The fact that you explicitly mention “high horse” means you probably didn’t read this or make an attempt to understand it, so go fuck yourself? I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t do match results and stars.
Go! Go! – and stay out you, gang bangers! Talking to you the9.
the9 is a cool guy. He says stupid bullshit and doesn’t afraid of nothing.
Telling the guy to go fuck himself because he disagrees with you? Classy. the9 has a point. A once really fun weekly article has become a little overly preachy, lately. I think the “rape-culture” diatribe was off the mark and digging a little deep, too. I guess that makes me a woman beating, white trash, rapist. I guess I’ll go fuck myself.
I’m either jaded or a bad person (probably both); I didn’t really care about the whole opening segment with Eve. It was boring, and stupid, but most of the all-talk openings are boring and stupid. I didn’t think Eve was representing the entire female sex being pilloried by the tyrannical male establishment; I just wanted someone to wrestle.
WWE, do not let Aksana or Eve back on TV until they can wrestle. However long it takes. Especially if it takes a long time.
Even “Rock isn’t here” will ultimately not be enough to get the fans behind Cena. It doesn’t even matter who wins, since nothing is at stake. There really isn’t any way to sell this match; just let them fight and then we all go back to what we were doing before.
R-Truth and Kofi would make a great team, which is why I have little hope that it will happen. The tag division barely exists, and the tag title means nothing anymore.
Now that I think about it, last night’s RAW was pretty depressing.
Wanting someone to wrestle on wrestling instead of watching ANYTHING, good or bad, is a valid viewpoint that I will support.
Thank you Brandon for another 5-star review, and once again you’ve read my mind; During the Ron Simmons promo I made a comment out loud to myself that I wish I was as excited as that kid in the powder blue shirt about anything ever.
I like to think that Santino went to one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark and then after his meal just said to the waiter, “Well, I’m already sitting down, how ’bout you just give me a haircut”.
Only 2 Undertaker promos? Are you forgetting the time Lex Luger recruited him to Team America for Survivor Series and he opened up his trench coat to show the American Flag. Awesome promo and not one word spoken.
I was like 8 or 9 when that happened and I remember fist pumping so hard I thought I was going to break something. Wasn’t that right after Gulf War 1: The Good One?
After reading spur of the moment recaps, I was quite glad that I missed the first 15 minutes of Raw. Your wall o’ text (well written and with a point but a wall o’ text nonetheless) only reaffirms my gladitude at not seeing those first fifteen minutes.
Ignorance truly is bliss. Almost makes one consider self-trepanation.
If everyone flipped their shit about The Miz not catching R-Truth a couple weeks ago, than the Big Show should be in serious fucking trouble for launching Ziggler like that last night. He put three(!) awesome upper-mid card guys in danger last night, and seriously injured Wade Barrett (forcing him to miss his Wrestlemania payday). But nothing is going to happen to Big Show. He’s not going to get yelled at by Triple H or blasted by internet columnists the same way Miz did.
Sorry for ranting. But Big Show is the WORST (I hate him even more than Khali), while Ziggler and Barrett are two of the best wrestlers they’ve got right now. TALK ABOUT BARRETT’S INJURY! MORE!
Thus raising the legitimacy of AJ’s “injury”
I lost sleep over Dolph being hurt last night. No joke. I also got on WWE 12 and made as many of those fuckers pay as I could. One unfortunate individual picked Nash ( he became my substitute for Show)
Man, you’re not kidding. When the Miz thing happened last week people were immediately responding with “fire him” or “send him to FCW for a couple years”. The universal double standard: Everyone I don’t like should be fired for existing and everyone I like should win every single match they’re in clean as a sheet, or they’re being buried.
Man, mistakes happen. I’m not a professional rassler but I imagine there are so many chances for people to get SERIOUSLY HURT that it just happens.
I don’t like Big Show. His character, popular xenophobic redneck face, is terrible and he can’t wrestle. Like, if he got fired I wouldn’t mind because 1) He gives me nothing I want in a wrestling show, and 2) I’m sure he’d be able to live an upper middle class life afterwards, so whatevs.
Even still, why can’t we all just be sad and wish Barrett the best? Why does this shit always have to result in a crusade?
^ Because it’s wrestling. On the internet.
That was just a mess of a main event. I certainly would be stoked if Show just hung it up, but mistakes happen, and everyone makes one every now and again. The scorn will certainly be greater right now because Barrett’s been great, Show has been predictably lame and we’re 40 days from ‘Mania, but what’s done is done. I’m just glad his arm isn’t broken and that Dolph can still think.
Honestly, I think Barrett was injured when he went over the top with Santino. Find video and watch his arm when he hit the apron. It got all noodly. Granted, he probably hurt it even more saving Ziggler’s life, but I believe that just aggravated it more.
I’ll say this in Show’s defense. As someone who doesn’t possess the ability to pick up large people and throw them great distances, I think what was required of him was probably significantly more difficult that 1. Break the guy’s fall 2. That’s it.
Put it this way: Had Barrett and Truth done what Miz did, Ziggler would have been a curly-haired grease spot. And I don’t blame Miz that much, shit happens sometimes, but I didn’t see as much blame on Show here as much as dumb bad luck.
Again, WWE missing out on great spots. When Eve reveals her plan to the Bellas, the Bellas could have gone all wide eyed and Eve simply going “He’s Right behind me, isn’t he?” but then reveal it’s Ron Simmons giving a solemn “Damn” thus killing two, maybe three birds with one stone.
That would have been great! Not to mention, the Bellas have been “evil” for a while now, so why they would show sympathy for Ryder, I don’t know.
Now that I’ve got my earlier rant out of the system, seriously good work again, Brandon. Great summary of the Eve debacle and some surprisingly positive thoughts about the rest of the show, even if it was just tiny moments. Totally missed the Laurinaitis thumbs-up, by the way, so thanks for that.
Personal Worst for Me: Prejudiced Big Show simultaneously injuring the Englishman and the black guy. Couldn’t let it go, could he?
/get well soon, Barrett/Ziggler/Rhodes/shit, it’s everyone I love
I definitely enjoyed your viewpoint on the whole Eve thing (which I missed so all I got from it was various forums/sites’ description of it, which we’ll say was less on the “this is awful” portion and more “HAR HAR SUCKS FOR THE HOE”-esque). I feel as the root issue is with the current archetypes of WWE Diva:
- Good Guy: I get around, but I pass myself off so that I’m remotely interested in you as long as you cheer for me! Also I do wrestling sometimes, I guess.
- Bad Guy: Wrestling is important to me, damn it! I don’t care about modeling for “you people.”
- Bad Guy: I get around, but I only do it with A REAL MAN.
Guess which one Eve falls under? Not to mention they actually had a remotely interesting storyline (hokey as fuck but I was certainly entertained), but they blazed through that in record time. Like a Diva’s match, amirite? I wasn’t offended by the segment since at this point I do just go “it’s the WWE,” roll my eyes, then continue on my merry way. That being said, I wouldn’t mind them taking steps to make the women on the show remotely relevant. Let’s start small – a five minute TV match please?
Besides that, I would like to simply state that I’ve been reading and enjoying these for a while now and finally felt compelled to join up with the commenting parade. You’re doing God’s work, sir.
Two things, in retrospect Yokozuna was incredibly Hawaiian looking and mannnn did my chest hurt just watching that Banzai drop
As children, I think we all just bought into that’s what Japanese people looked like. But I believe he was really Samoan and part of the A’noi (sp?) wrestling family. Samoa Joe might be related as well.
Solid entry, but the opening rant about Eve seemed a bit too personal for a poorly executed, written, and developed segment that will remain forgettable. And the people prematurely announcing some sort of Eve heel turn don’t seem to realize that real women are just caddy like that sometimes. The whole thing was just a disaster but the “slut shaming” references should be filed next to “Fart Hart” in things that don’t really matter on the show.
forgettable?
Remember this in 6 months when people are chanting “howski” at Eve… because of lazy ass writing
I have to agree with Lil Jonie here. If Diva screen time on any primetime WWE programming exceeded 6 minutes, you may have had an argument. But when you have a roster of 6 women on each brand and some permutation of 2-4 of them wrestle with any kind of regularity for 90 seconds per show, and you spend 10 minute segments every week focusing on ONE diva, where the conclusion of her character arc is “She is a Whore”. Your argument kinda falls apart guy.
With the way some of you are responding, you would think that Kaientai appeared and made Eve shame walk and get paddled. If anything, this gave Eve screen time and a reason to be on TV now that the Kane angle is over. Do you think Eve cared that the entire arena was chanting hoeski? Hell no, because she became more relevant being “slut shamed” than she had been as “cootchie-popping moonsault” girl. This could also to Eve having an actual character instead of “Scared Inmate 2.”
Yeah! Now she can be a SLUTTY cootchie-popping moonsault girl! Character development in wrestling everybody!
Seriously though, maybe she went into this angle thinking “More air time? Hmm. Its not what I would prefer, but it could be a challenge. I could make this work. Maybe even spin it into some extra PPV cash.” I could almost buy that, but character development? No. That’s it. She’s done. A lot of fans never let these things go (whether they like them or not). They could make her a saint at Wrestlemania, a majority of fans are going to chant “Hoeski” whenever she gets airtime for the duration of her wrestling career.
I really think that whole story would have been better if Eve had embraced Kane’s hate before The Big Red Machine was shot off into sabbatical Hell or whatever he’ll be doing during Mania. That would have made more sense. It’s just weird that people are more offended that a couple insensitive and childish remarks were slung around and not that this story didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Brandon mentions this later on, but dammit if the lede wasn’t buried there.
I disagree. Adding Ryder & Eve was pointless. Having Eve “embrace the hate” would have dragged the storyline on for another few weeks. I think we can all agree that that would have been PAINFUL to watch. If nothing else, I have drawn the conclusion that the whole angle makes Cena look 10 times worse than he did before (its SCIENCE) because he insulted Eve for, essentially, doing the same thing that he had been doing for weeks. Namely, bandwagonning off of Zach Ryder’s new-found popularity. Irony thy name is Cena.
Isn’t “Using people to get what she wants” character development? They could show her backstage trying to use people in order to get to the Divas title or whatever. Also, are people chanting “hoeski” really the worst thing for her? At least people will remember her for something. Again, she is relevant for the time being. If people still chant “hoeski” in a year, that means 1)Eve is still around and 2) They still care enough to chant ANYTHING at her. Instead of going to the bathroom during a Divas match, maybe someone will stick around just to chant “hoeski.” What were they chanting at Eve before “hoeski” besides the half-hearted Eve chant? Nothing.
Also, Eve is a character not a person and I think people have failed to separate that. They are not calling Eve the person a slut, but the character. Sure, it may be lazy writing, but still, this isn’t CM Punk shooting on Kelly Kelly for being a legit hoeski; This is super Cena yelling kayfabe things at character Eve.
Being manipulative as character development? Absolutely. Its worked for wrestlers, managers, and valets since time immemorial. But that isn’t what happened here. Creative briefly feigned gestures in that direction for the first 2-5 minutes of the opener and then launched into 10 minutes of extended slut-shaming. I personally don’t care if they turn Eve heel or not, but it is possible to do so without calling her a slut or a whore and have it be compelling. Hell, they could have sold the heel turn with just an embrace and no kiss after the ambulance rescue. Having Ryder misunderstanding the circumstance had enough dramatic tension to sell a “soft” heel turn. What we got was just misogyny.
Also, I hope you’re not intentionally being condescending, but I am aware (I’m sure we all are) that Eve is a character.
This column is genius and seems to be spot on week after week
Well since I’ve been reading it like 2-3 weeks ago :-P
Great stuff
Keep up the excellent work man
I hope Ron Simmons spinebusters the podium at his induction to the HOF
+1
+2. God I miss that Spinebuster. If JBL could clothesline something as well I’ll be a happy person.
Bradshaw inducts him into the HOF by simply running on stage and giving Scotty 2 Hotty a clothesline from hell. No words are spoken.
Legitimately just checked Bleacher Report for a laugh and saw one guy complain about ‘smart’ wrestling fans chanting ‘Sexual Chocolate’ and one guy call Cena/Eve a great way to end the storyline.
/shaking my head so hard right now
Who complains about a Sexual Chocolate chant? Really, who does that?
If its Sexual Milk Chocolate; the lactose intolerant.
Now I’m just hungry for a Mars Bar.
Thanks, guys.
“I’m truly shocked the writers at BleacherReport didn’t have a more thoughtful stance on the Cena/Eve promo.” – Nobody Ever.
Does anyone else think we’re expecting too much from our pro wrestling (I’m sorry) show?
Great read as always. This was the first televised event I went to, so it was a bad day to be the only guy in the stadium with a Wade Barrett shirt.
I just wish that Mark Henry & Ezekiel Jackson could be spirited out of “Big-Guy-Who-Loses” land. I know someone has to fill that role, but I would really rather it be Mason Ryan or Great Khali.
Mark Henry was the best thing in WWE while HHH was screwing up the CM Punk stuff and all bodyslams aside, I do like Big Zeke.
I’m never sure if Big Zeke is supposed to be “smiling guy from somewhere in Africa or something” or “BRINGER OF THE FUCKING END”. If they decided and stuck with it I’d better be able to get behind Zeke.
Zeke needs to go on a Mark Henry based diet of straight wrecking dudes for the next few weeks.
I couldn’t agree more with both of those statements.
I leave my house for a couple hours last night and this happens? Huh? Wha? Juh?
Excellent B&W as always, Brandon. Thanks for addressing the bucket of unpleasantness that is this terrible Eve angle.
I keep wondering when the audience is going to evolve past some of the recycled wrestling/storyline tropes. Also, I like Cena’s promo as a promo, but the premise is bothersome. “THE ROCK WONT BE THERE AT THE SHOW AFTER OUR BIGGEST PPV EVER!” I mean, should the Rock feel bad? “Hey John, you should be fighting for the title, but instead you are calling ladies whores and pushing a guy on crutches – so you keep your full time and I’ll SMELLLLLLL WHAT WRESTLEMANIA is cooking whenever I feel like it.” Selling all that on the back of HHH vs Undertaker in their only matches in the last year (and look, its retired Shawn Michaels). But, that being said, I don’t know what better I guess so…. go team SOS JIMMY!
Part of the reason I no longer watch the show are shows like last night. The waste of time, degrading, whore shaming they went through with Eve was just…uuhhhg. If I was a father, how would I explain that to my kids?
“Remember, Billy, if a little girl gives you a kiss at school someday and then the next day you see her kissing someone else, it’s okay to round up the entire class at recess and do what John Cena just did. Then, when you grow up, people will totally respect you and cheer you on for it.”
I, like you Brandon, remember being young and impressionable and seeing racial stereo types portrayed on WWF (which it was at the time) and having to be disabused of certain prejudices via my mother and to a lesser extent my father. This just shouldn’t be happening. It’s just bad for people.
After that seriously heavy-handed opening, it became difficult to read or enjoy the rest of the column.
That’s exactly what watching the show felt like.
I wasn’t as opposed to the “slut shaming” angle as I was to the “what the hell is going on?”
Que?
My initial viewing of that opening segment was at one in the morning, and I’m at work right now, so I may not be as up-to-speed as I would like.
The root of this issue for me is the shoe-horning of “that jezebel Eve” after weeks of being personally tormented, along with having her friend and/or love interest Zack Ryder get beat down. Eve’s been a goody-two-shoes for forever now, and has solidly been one of the main Divas. So it’s questionable to suddenly have her go from goody-goody buddy of Ryder, to scared shitless when Kane targets Cena’s buddies [Zack], to OMG JOHN YOU SAVED ME and that heat of the moment kiss, to the shock and disappointment that Zack saw it. They follow that up with Eve suddenly going “lol all part of my master plan”. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.
My issue with the slut-shaming is not what seems to be everyone else’s point of contention. In this TV-PG era, Eve can’t really be a slut based off what happened on TV. Because this is a PG show, there were NO sexual innuendos. If this was during the Attitude era, maybe they’d show backstage segments of Eve taking Zack Ryder into the bathroom to blow him or something. But that doesn’t fly today, and I don’t think Zack and Eve even had a STORYLINE DATE. So to insinuate that Eve is a slut is improper. However, she explicitly stated that her goal was to move up and attach herself to someone that will keep her high-profile. In the WWE of today, that doesn’t necessarily mean sex (as stated above), but in the real world, it’s a bit closer. So here, maybe she’s a power-mad jezebel, in the evil and vain sense.
Sure, gender stereotypes generally picture a woman who does this as a slut and a whore, and a guy as enjoying the sweet sweet fruit, good job bro, etc., but I don’t personally subscribe to the latter, myself. The IDEA of what Eve was doing in the storyline is certainly deceitful, and it SHOULD paint her in an improper light. But the writers certainly sensationalized the whole thing after they (probably) rushed to put this together.
Explaining her sudden kiss of Cena as “the heat of the moment” barely holds any water, IMO, but it seems a better reason anyway. Unless the real storyline branch here is that Eve is psycho-schizo.
Welp, there’s been 50+ new comments since I started, and I need to look busy, so I might as well hit post.
Okay, so I had some time to think about this show after last night, where I was like, where was this Eve turn at the Chamber, she could’ve been in cahoots with Kane, Cena could’ve still won but Eve would be scheming to knock him down a peg, Kane could still harass Cena as he tries to prepare for Mania….GOD, there was so much MORE they could’ve done.
So I got my Eve heel turn only to have her treated like that. I thought it was questionable, but not over the top bad. There’s been so much worse that it’s hard for me to be overly upset about it, but I think, subtly, we saw Cena “embrace the hate” last night. With Eve, with Rock. Now, if it’s true, I MIGHT be willing to let this one slide, provided they don’t keep doing shit to Eve. I doubt I’ll get my wish, but it’s nice to think that maybe Cena is getting in touch with that dark side.
What I wish they would’ve done is to have Eve be one of those “strong, powerful, sexy Divas” and be something more than a pile of quivering goo in there. She should’ve fired right back at Cena, maybe slapped him in the face, just so it’d be a little less uncomfortable.
All that said, maybe Cena/Rock can be something BIG now. And if they allow some blood and violence to take place in Hell in a Cell, something that makes us really believe it’s a fight to the death, HHH & Taker can be REALLY good.
I am fully prepared to be incredibly disappointed though.
I agree with many of your social concerns Brandon, but this wasn’t ‘slut shaming’.
It was obviously misogynistic in a very lazy way, but they weren’t attacking her for sexual proclivity, despite the terminology, rather her apparent deceitfulness.
He specifically mentions her STDs. And dropping the “skank juice”? You don’t generally get those for deceit (or I’d be SO swollen)… if he wasn’t attacking her sexual proclivity – he was doing a really really bad job at it.
I disagree. They were drawing a direct correlation between her deceitfulness and her sexual proclivities. Which is what makes it so bad. If there were some evidence that Eve was sleeping with both Cena & Ryder, that would have been pretty bad. But to label her as a slut for leveraging their friendship for attention is awful.
I agree with the people above me. They specifically indicated that she was some kind of STD ridden whore and should be punished. That was a level of woman hate that I hope to never-EEEEVER— see again.
Was at this show and had a GREAT time! The guy w/ your sign sat about 8 or so rows down from us and loved his bow tie. And yes, I must read the column because I was the only one going crazy for David Otunga and the E.V.P.O.T.R. I was a little surprised that people started “What”-ing the Undertaker. Seemed kind of disrespectful. I actually liked Cena’s promo on the Rock. He actually seemed like a human being, like a guy who actually gets upset and irritated by things. And I TOTALLY wanted a Ziggler shirt and was ready to buy one when I got there but there were NONE. And I would buy a hot pink shirt but I’m a woman. And finally I’m not a trained wrestler, I’m 5 months pregnant, and I STILL could drop a better elbow than Aksana.
I tend to take a moderate side on just about everything, wrestling or otherwise, but this was stupid and petty on just so many levels. A big +1 for having the societal and moral wherewithal to write what should be written about it. It’s really quite sad that a few boneheaded decisions by creative and an absurd lack of effort could lead to this.
I think WWE must get a discount on vests with hoods.
Some thoughts that you helped me think and didn’t think of while doing my blog earlier:
1) This John Cena v Rock thing could be a lot worse. It could have been him being a dominant champion and calling out The Rock because he didn’t think any of the current guys were a viable threat. It’s not that. Thanks, Cena.
2) I think Santino should be the go-to wild card in any Battle Royal type match but be unable to do anything in a 1v1 match.
3) I hate hate hate this Eve thing. The WWE literally profits off of her sexuality but when she tries to use it for her own self advancement it makes her into something bad? Whaaat? This doubly makes zero sense because I don’t know of any reason outside of “she’s hot” for Ryder to fall in love with Eve. Fuck.
4) DBRY!!!!!! He should be destroying the midcard every week.
5) Wouldn’t it have been a great chance for Funkasaurus to come out last night to fight Cena and defend Eve? He seems like a sexually progressive guy who wouldn’t stand for a fly girl being treated like that. These stories write themselves, guys.
6) Holy shit, when the WWE is treated like an actual sport there’s so much drama inherent that you can get great emotional reactions from just the wrestling. Having a match that matters and it being treated like a sport makes it all worthwhile. We don’t need a storyline for every match. We don’t need everything to be about “feuds”. We just need people trying to compete against one another to win a championship and the drama will take care of itself.
7) Also, THESTINGER is getting lots of Twitter and Tumblr followers. What’s etiquette? Should I immediately follow back? I do if I recognize the name. If I don’t follow you back or otherwise give you love it’s because I don’t know who you are so send me a message, tweet, tumbl, or whatever and I’ll hit you up. You all are the best and THESTINGER loves each and every one of you.
Relevant: I appreciate the re-follow, and even though I left no comments, I’ve read your blog a couple times now. You seem to be an interesting person.
By the way, awesome job on the Jumping Split Guy GIF. That was every bit as awesome as I hoped it would be.
The WWE: Where guys like Daniel Bryan probably never had a girlfriend before becoming champion, and girls who want to date potential champions are subhumans ranking below rapists, attempted murderers, and the writers who make Natalya fart.
6) I think the damn writing staff’s job would be so much easier if they just tapped into the THIS IS A (FAKE) SPORT FIRST idea. I’ll continue to cry out for “seasons” and “tournaments” that give reoccuring structure to the narrative. We have that ONCE A YEAR with Rumble > Mania, and that energy could come up THREE TIMES a year with similar pushes towards Summerslam or Survivor Series.
Preach, brother!
I didn’t get best comment? I thought I was a shoe-in with Tobogganing Bear taking the night off and all.
I’ll try harder next time!
You were in THESTINGER’S Fave Five. <3
:)
I’m pretty happy that we’re for the most part not all assholes and hated Eve segment.
agreed.
Co-sign.
I think we all threw up a “what the fuck” comment as it was happening.
For the record, I LOVED “I am Eve, and I used Zack Ryder to get close to John Cena, and now I’m going to use John Cena to be a bigger star”.
I did NOT so much enjoy “John Cena’s Not-So-Humorous Synonyms For Slut Happy Fun Time”
Tweeted, Facebooked, Google+’d, and Tumblr’d….
You hear his dong is my fave. And as usual, great insight.
Your story about being young and full of misplaced rage hit really close to home. I know this is such a heavy subject matter to discuss on the comments section of a comedy wrestling column, but I was wondering how you overcame your own personal demons. I’ve been feeling a lot like the younger Brandon you described (minus the racism and homophobia). I’m trying to change, be a better person, and discover some sense of emotional catharsis; but I sometimes I feel like I just can’t change the way I am.
Trying is really all that matters. Thanks for knowing how I felt, I appreciate you reading and knowing there are other people out there like me.
Long story short, I just tried to put my heart in the right place. Make sure I never stopped caring about stuff, or learning, or trying to get better. Effort is everything. I’d rather celebrate an effort that failed than an easy success. Just keep whatever you consider the reason for being here in the right place and things have a way of getting better.
(also, stop eating meat)
/propaganda’d
You know what? In a way Brandon is right about the not eating meat thing which I will get to in a minute.
I was picked on for being fat all through Junior High and I was the kind of kid that was getting to the point of being one of those colombine fellas. Well, when High School hit I bulked up some muscle, wore all black plus trench coat, carried a duffle-bag instead of backpack and grew my hair and beard out. Oddly enough, it worked to get people off my back. Unfortunately, I became my own avatar and started packing weapons, selling drugs, and getting into all kinds of violent bullshit. Basically, that lasted many years.
Eventually, I became a buddhist and now I don’t even kill bugs, don’t eat meat, and refuse to ever harm any other sentient being. Now, I’m not saying be a buddhist but I am saying that it takes the realization that the surest way out of pain and anger and self loathing is to lead a life where at the end of the day you don’t have to feel bad about yourself. That doesn’t entail being perfect, only lots of forgiving of yourself and everyone around you and trying your best every single day!
I’m not trying to preach… it’s just that I was equally moved and thought I would share my story.
PS: Weirdest/coolest wrestling community ever!
Thanks, guys. I didn’t really realize how badly I needed that until I read those responses. I appreciate it. Oh and since this is my second comment ever, I’d just like to take a moment to say hi. I’ve been a long-time reader; and as pathetic as it is to say, reading B&W has been a weekly highlight and has brought some much-needed levity to my life over these past couple of shitty months. Thanks! I’ll take your words to heart, and try to contribute to this already-awesome online wrestling community. I can be funny. Sometimes.
Nice job Brandon, the sad thing is the happiest person out of all of this is probably Eve who is probably on her way to a WrestleMania pay day in some awful mixed tag match vs Ryder.
Serious times: Brandon, that’s an excellent essay you put together there, and could well be a rallying cry. Not to get self-important about comment threads on a wrestling blog (where I get to amuse myself by using The Mountie as my picture,) but seriously – didn’t the internet get WWE to stop fat-shaming Vickie Guerrero by bothering Be A Star sponsors about it a little bit? Does anyone want to, like, make some of that happen again here? We can figure this out! We are the internet, dammit!
Happy times: That was fun, and thank you a million times for giving me a Yokozuna squash match to watch. Bonus points for it being one where Gorilla Monsoon totally forgets which move the “Banzai Drop” is. Hint, Gorilla: it’s the one where he yells “Banzai!” and then, you know, drops.
seriously considering including a Jobber Squash Of The Week segment now.
Watch any Steiner Brothers vs. Dorkus Malorkus and Guy Incognito match from 92-93 Superstars and you will move from “Seriously Considering” to “Always Doing Forever.”
Honestly, I laughed through a majority of the opening segment with Eve and Cena. Not because she drinks skank juicke and morphs into Skankapotumus or whatever other dumb fucking 5th grade level insult Cena could muster his brain to throw at her. But, because of the sheer absurdity of it all. Her over the top wailing, the fact that people had to remove her from the ring while no thought to maybe tell Cena to chill out of the destroying of a women’s psyche. It was just kinda like, “Wow, lol.” Then immediately after I took a breath and thought, “Welp, that just set women in wrestling back another 10 years.”
Anyway, my Cena (the character) hate goes back to when he first debuted. I could not take him seriously and quit watching WWE. This is his original sin, and he will burn in a literal Christian HAIL for that in my mind/heart. This other shit, well…I guess its just icing on my HATE cake.
Mmmm HATE cake. Thats not vegan is it? :p
I’m gonna assume you could easily make a hate cake.
Yeah. I have a bile problem.
when you’ve grown out of your “drawing the grim reaper on my folder” stage
Why did you look at me when you said that???
I also looked at everyone in my 11th grade art class.
I drew Spider-Man and Wolverine on my folder =/
I drew Nightcrawler. Fewer fingers/toes to worry about.
Nightcrawler’s face and hair were always difficult for me
True, but if you took John Byrne’s example you didn’t draw a forehead or hairline. You’d just have one big cool inkblot from brow to hair highlights.
THAT’S what bothered me, for some reason. My shadow forehead/hair blend always looked dumb.
Same here, wish I could have saved up to have have Terry Austin do touch-ups.
/first-world problems
John Byrne + Terry Austin = Near Perfection. I hated it when Byrne would ink his own work…it looked like a rush job.
Agreed. Didn’t like Byrne’s inks either. Austin, however is magic.
Terry Austin was a pretty damn good artist on his own. I remember reading a short Daredevil/Bullseye Russian roulette stroy written by Frank Miller and drawn by him that looked really good.
Not sure if someone has already said this or not, but I’m guessing they’ll let the no blood rule slide for Undertaker-HHH.
Maybe, but Undertaker will toss HHH off the cage into another dimension. And by another dimension, I mean a discreet foam pit fill with pillows…or marshmellows.
Mattress fort!!!
I think I’m always going to resent Stone Cold a little bit for the “What?” chant. Taker’s promo bored the shit out of me, but I still wanted to force sterilization on everyone who was doing it. I just don’t understand why they need to take 20 minutes to do something like that.
Loved the column as always. Page 2 should be nailed to Vince’s office door/office curtain wall/forehead.
Ace and Otunga are just awesome anymore. Ace dropping a “player” on Teddy Long in both a completing condescending and yet not remotely racist way was stellar, and Otunga’s pose was… man, I don’t even know. And a +1 to whoever it was who commented last night that Otunga should be wrestling in argyle tights.
Also, +1 @Jo3yhuds for that sign. And endless jealousy @Brandon for getting a response from #BigJohnny.
I’m surprised they didn’t make Eve walk down the ramp naked holding her clothes up to her body while a bunch of frat dudes chanted “WALK OF SHAME! WALK OF SHAME!”
Is there gonna be a Best and Worst of SmackDown tomorrow or is the boycott still in place?
So makeshift Smackdown Discussion Thread?
Not true – H stopped listening to Metallica when Hogan became their bass player.
Great read as always Brandon.
There have been many times watching Raw where I’ve had to stop and take a breather, simply because what I was watching was too stupid or terrible for me to handle. But never once have I had to take that breather because I was just downright UNCOMFORTABLE. That happened TWICE last night. Once for Cena in the opening for the fairly obvious reasons. And secondly for the Undertaker promo, which was just hard to watch, between the terrible mic work and (surprisingly) awkward and negative crowd reaction, I just couldn’t do it, had to walk away. And to those of you saying that the Cena/Eve thing wasn’t a big deal, but are too lazy to actually READ everything Brandon said, let me simplify things for you: It is NOT okay to get a crowd that features a good chunk of young kids chanting “HOE” at a woman, let alone doing at the behest of their favorite wrestler, who is supposed to be a GODDAMN ROLE MODEL. That is never, ever okay. One of the few supposed benefits of the PG Era was supposed to be that I wasn’t supposed to have to see shit like this anymore.
(Also, back in the top ten baby, 3rd time, and yeah I’m bragging, fuck I’m Ric Flair “WOO”ing all over my apartment. I’m SUPER cool.)
How was Zack Ryder able to tweet with all of his bones being broken? Did he blow into a tube or something?
The new WWE rule is that all “superstars” have twitter microchips lodged into their brain that can be used even while asleep or in a coma!
I’m imagining Zach dictating tweets to a Speak-N-Spell for some reason.
I’m not sure I agree with the slut-shaming point. Eve made the comment that she lead on Ryder, then noted that her plan was to do the same to Cena in order to improve her own position in the company. She wasn’t called a skank, whore or bitch because specifically because she was women. She (the character) had done something that many people would consider objectionable and was insulted because of it. In short, while it may be wrong to call someone a slut because they sleep with a lot of people, I don’t agree that it’s wrong to call someone a slut when they attempt to sleep their way to the top.
As for your other issue, namely, that the writers did not have to make Eve’s character someone attempting to sleep her way to the top, well, good point.
I guess I just don’t see why he couldn’t have called her a backstabber or liar or something along those lines.
Exactly. It would have been closer to form for Cena to tell Eve that more than anything else, that he was disappointed in her behavior. That Ryder is too nice a guy to deserve such treatment. That would have been more nuanced.
Instead Cena insulted Eve using words with very specific sexual connotations. What does lying, or abusing someones trust for attention have to do with being a slut, or a whore?
I should also add that I like the column and will continue reading it, despite the fact that I disagree with many of the positions you express in it.
Yeah, her sexuality was so secondary or tertiary to her being manipulative and otherwise mean spirited in her attempts at personal advancement. That her sexuality seems to be the primary area of attack by Cena says way more about him and the WWE than anything else.
Women are rated purely on their sexuality. Vickie Guerrero has the audacity to age and is ridiculed for getting older and not being as sexually attractive. etcetcetc
And this is where the argument becomes strange to me. If someone uses their money to attempt to gain an unfair advantage, I don’t think anyone would have a problem seeing them called out on bribery.
Her sexuality, in this case, wasn’t secondary to her being manipulative or mean spirited. It was the tool she used to manipulate. Cena’s response was to attack the tool she used.
Was it? She was dressed in a top that exposed her midriff and pants, a dress, and a low-cut blouse with pants in all of her backstage appearances. The only physical intimacy she shared was a kiss with Cena. This qualifies as feminine wiles? This establishes a woman as a slut? Seriously?
Having Ryder believe they were an item even though they never went on a date works, calling Eve a slut because she strung Ryder along and kissed Cena is ridiculous.
Bribery isn’t used as a flimsy rationale to subjugate an entire class of people.
Nemo, I would agree that most of the information you listed isn’t relevant. However, if you jump on the court and make out with Lebron James so that your new reality show is picked up, I would say it’s fair to say you were acting slutty.
Its entirely relevant, you said that calling Eve a slut was justifiable because “It (her sexuality) was the tool she used to manipulate.” How do you not see that as misogyny? As for your example, that is entirely irrelevant as
A.) I am a man. So this example has nothing to do with gender inequality.
B.) It still doesn’t reflect the situation in question. A better analogy would be if I were Norris Cole’s agent and befriended Maverick Carter and then James in a bid to become his agent. That would be manipulative right? Would that make me a slut? If I were a female agent and I did the same thing would that change your opinion?
Brandon I am a loyal reader of yours and have never commented before but after this week I had to make an account to comment. Buddy I sometimes think you might take the things that happen in WWE a little too seriously. This is wrestling not CNN, it’s ok to have some things that might not be in good taste. John Cena wasn’t calling Eve a hoe because she sleeps around with a lot of guys, he called her a hoe because she just got done saying that she used his friends and was now going to use him. And even if that’s still seems morally wrong to you, it’s still a TV show, it’s not real life. Sometimes you seem, like you said yourself, to be on a high horse and it’s really off-putting to a lot of readers.
If he wanted to call her a manipulative liar, the most effective way to do that would have been to call her a manipulative liar. Last I checked, no one’s ever gotten STDs from being a liar.
Long-time first-time as well. The premise of almost every storyline in the show is settling differences with violence and you seem to be ok with that. Words can hurt, but fists do.
Are you writing these diatribes for us or for you? I hope you are able to find peace with yourself somehow. Real peace, not PC signalling for the people on the internet peace.
But she wasn’t just a manipulative liar. She used her sex appeal to use Ryder and Cena. Again this is WWE not CNN, what they do on their TV show and what they do for their “Be a Star Campaign” are to separate things.
No, they are not separate. Not if they are genuine in their efforts. What good does a 2 minute blurb with different people saying “Don’t bully” do if all of your good guys go bully people for two hours? We have derogatory terms for those whose words and actions are not the same. Interestingly enough, those words are not as negative or as hurtful as “slut.”
And it’s not being PC. It’s treating one’s fellow human beings as though they have human value. I teach. I see it every day. It needs to end.
Again it’s a tv show. Hitting people with chairs is wrong but no one has a problem with that being on the show. This is no different it is just a tv. I don’t know if you guys know this or not but the people on the Sopranos really aren’t in the mafia. The “Be a Star” Campaign is real life, Monday Night Raw is not, there is most definitely a difference.
Hey ritesofpatches, if you think Brandon’s words on this here blog will be effective in ending bullying in your school, so be it.
It just doesn’t ring true. If he wanted to do something effective he would do almost anything else except publicizing the company that is doing it. Those derogatory terms you refer to are in play here I would say. Writing one page on it doesn’t buy you any indulgences when the actors literally go out and bully each other with physical violence. Shouldn’t Ryder or Cena have called the authorities on Kane rather than fight him?
That’s why I say that’s what this is about. Brandon has guilt and that sucks for him. I feel bad about that. Not guilty mind you, but I do wish him happiness.
Condescension aside:
YES WE KNOW ITS TV.
YES WE KNOW EVE IS A CHARACTER.
With that settled, if it is just a TV show and Eve is just an actor. Why do you so vigorously defend a devious woman being called a whore? Why does it mean that much to you? Is it just the inconvenience of reading others commenting about it?
No I just really like reading the article because I like Brandon’s take on wrestling. He’s really funny and obviously has a lot of knowledge about wrestling. I don’t however like being preached to about being a Vegan or about sexism. I feel like he often uses the blog to push his own personal views on the reader.
Okay, fair enough. I don’t necessarily agree with how you frame it, but to each his own. I’ll just leave you with this. Brandon writes a great column about wrestling because as you so wisely put it, “he has a lot of knowledge about wrestling”. And I agree. But for me and others, what makes his column great is that his knowledge of wrestling helps provide a context for how things have changed over the years, and how they could still stand to get better. It may not be your favorite part of the column, but it is vitally important to maintaining his voice seperate from other wrestling commentators. Take it out, and it isn’t the same at all. Just keep in mind he’s not preaching directly to YOU, he just wants wrestling to do better. We can all agree on that right?
Dylan, we read this column as opposed to something on a former wrestling turned MMA fight because of Brandon’s authorial voice. As we are reading this for the recap and that voice, we accept that we get all of Stroud in the process.
To desire otherwise is something a hoe ski would want.
*slowclap*
WWE operates in this odd netherworld where their program is obviously scripted but still presented as a real sports competition in which feuds happen to develop organically. The Undertaker doesn’t show up at the Emmys in a tux and wave happily to the crowd and talk to Joan Rivers or whomever as “Mark Calloway” runs beneath his picture. Comparing it to “The Sopranos” or any other fictional entity indubitably presented as fictional is thus silly. WWE wants to make you think that THIS IS REAL, and even if you know that wrestlers stomp when they punch, they still add in worked-shoot moments like Jericho’s “injury” at Chamber or Punk’s speech last summer that legitimately make people question what is real and what is not.
The difference on the “why don’t Cena and Ryder call the authorities on Kane” front is that professional wrestling is clearly established as a universe in which problems are settled in the ring, yes, with varied degrees of violence. That’s how it works in the WWE, but if you went around solving personal problems with a steel chair to the back in reality, we’d lock you up and hopefully get you some sort of mental health treatment (unlikely in the modern prison system, but not impossible). Rational people can enjoy the drama and the storytelling of wrestling action without attempting to Stone Cold Stunner their boss. The problem with the slut-shaming is that it’s remarkably indicative of society’s prevailing attitude. Try it yourself: how do you feel about a man who sleeps with many different women? He gets high-fived at the bar, not called terrible misogynistic names by a crowd of thousands at the bequest of the biggest good-guy hero in the WWE. It’s lazy and stupid and incredibly hateful towards women, who already are treated as lesser beings in the company. “Puppies”, indeed.
You can say “heh, it’s a TV show, whaddaya gettin’ worked up about?!” all you want, but this is just an unnecessary, spiteful crystallization of an all-too-common social worldview that needs to end. Taking into account the considerable role that broadcast entertainment plays in our lives (quick, name the Supreme Court justices; now name the Kardashian sisters), this attitude needs to be countered wherever it exists. Sometimes that’s in political debates over the availability of birth control, and sometimes it’s on a television program featuring a Funkasaurus, a fake Italian swallowing whole eggs, and a little person in a cheese hat. The general banality of the medium does not excuse the message. To the guy who says “why are you publicizing a company that does this”: do you think that ignoring it solves anything? Brandon’s a comedy sports writer tackling a very serious issue in the best way he knows how (and no, he doesn’t just rant about it on the Internet, he lives his life in a pro-feminist way too). Women aren’t objects defined by their sexuality, they’re f*cking human beings, as worthy of respect and humanity as anyone. If pointing that out makes some people think that Brandon (or myself) is “riding a high horse” or “being preachy”, well, that’s because some things are worth preaching about. If you’re uncomfortable with that, that says more about you and your proclivities than it does about Brandon. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. End of story.
that being said, john cena gay
Well said.
AudeSapere: So you are saying that we need to accept the conventions of the medium? Well that is arbitrary at best and again that derogatory word at worst. The convention of the medium is violence. The convention of the medium is also simplicity. The hairs you are attempting to split do not exist.
The fact is there are a few men with a lot of guilt who are outing themselves here. I know each doesn’t speak for all, but even still, each’s belief system is entirely incoherent. Displays of bullying are ok…extra displays of bullying are ok…this one particular kind of bullying is not ok in context?
I call it arbitrary. I call it hypocritical. If I only get 8 pages of Raw recap, leave out the one about something everyone who watches the show has tacitly chosen to accept. Or don’t do it at all.
I like your them vs us talk. Very W. of you. Its so sad so many of you men have been taught to hate yourself.
If you really believed what you were saying you couldn’t watch wrestling at all. You just need to justify yourself in front of your friends. I get that. I took the classes. I passed the test. I just don’t carry the guilt like you do.
“Try it yourself: how do you feel about a man who sleeps with many different women? ”
Hehehehe THIS IS NOT ABOUT BEING PC. I AM NOT REPEATING THE THINGS I HAVE BEEN TOLD ARE TRUE.
So no SmackDown thread due to overload of wrestling this week. Because I’m cool with that.
I think we planned on going back to the Raw live thread to continue.
if anyone gives you shit for your correct and completely decent view on that awful first 20 minutes of the show, you can go ahead and tell them that jon t (who is a guy from the internet who uses a picture of vickie guerrero in a neck brace as his avatar but who is totally cool seriously) gave you permission to knock the shit outta them.
it was miserable to watch, and it cast a shitty pall on what otherwise would’ve been an all-time best promo by cena later in the show.
good job, b, you got me to comment without having to read more than 5 paragraphs! time for page 2!
YES!
You tell him I think he’s a damn fool, Brandon. You tell him I said so –
H.I. McDunnough. And if he wants to discuss it he knows where to find
me in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility for
Men State Farm Road Number Thirty-one; Tempe, Arizona I’ll be waiting!
Serious mode: I’ll try not to reiterate the points you made, Brandon, but AMEN to you for making them.
Anyway, here would have been a really interesting dynamic between John Cena and Zack Ryder. John Cena has been historically the best guy around. He rarely does anything wrong and spends all his free time lifting weights and hugging children. However, he made a terrible mistake. He earnestly apologizes to his best friend for making a mistake in the heat of the moment, promises that he will try his best to make it up to him, and thanks him for his friendship. Zack Ryder, however difficult it may be, decides that in the past, he’s made a mistake or two himself, realizes that friendship is important to him, shakes his friend’s hand, and accepts his apology now that he’s had a week or two to cool off.
Ryder looks good, because he can forgive. Cena looks human. Eve can kind of just go back to being Kelly Kelly’s friend (more on this later). And maybe Kane can do that weird thing where one week, he’s a fire-using murderer-rapist, but next week, he’s assigned to randomly be Ryder’s tag partner and after winning, he fist pumps with Ryder and becomes a good guy.
Anyway, this next point is tough to justify, but I think it’s important. These women are role models. Now, they aren’t ideal role models, but the world isn’t ideal. They are athletic and attractive and exist in a world where men dominate (even if it’s only for a few minutes every weeek). And although I’d prefer for my non-existent daughter to avoid fake boobs and booty-shaking moonsaults in her life, you have one of your biggest female heroes look like LITERALLY THE WORST HUMAN BEING TO EVER EXIST. Like the Bellas can admit Ryder is a good guy and it’s sad that Kane almost murdered him. Eve starts cackling at the guy for being willing to die for her. It’s one thing to have a vain villian, because a strong heel can still be a role model, but having Eve grovel while referees need to stop her from trying to molest John Cena is a really bad image for children (and everyone I suppose). And listen, I LOVE this stuff, like everyone here, but this stuff is for children, and that little girl that brought that Eve sign to RAW months ago (I hope you remember the sign, Brandon – yellow poster board with Eve written on it and nothing else) doesn’t know what to think anymore.
Anyway, I’m going to finish the report now and hopefully have something funny and short to contribute.
You know what the worst part was about last night’s opening segment?
The fact that – as ass-backwards, painful to watch, non-constructive, and Not Being a Star as Cena was to eve – I’m willing to bet actual money that Eve will be verbally run down by The Rock next week and that the People’s Slut Shaming will make Cena look like a golly-gee-willikers-good guy fruity pebbles hustle loyalty respect superhero again.
I just want to remind everyone that Wrestlemania will be in a roofless stadium, so be prepared for filler when they are setting up the Hell in a Cell cage :(
In my mind they airlift the cage into the stadium and just drop it onto the ring a la the first episode of Metalocalypse – complete with front row fans being smashed into oblivion.
Yes it is roofless, but they in the past few years they have set up essentially a giant picnic tent over the ring to cover the light truss etc it’s conceivable to have it preset and hanging.
Brandon, I have an honest question for you. Its a hypothetical, but still an honest question.
Its highly unlikely that next week when the Rock appears that he will stray from his usual promo talking points. But what if, by some miracle, the Rock spent his 15 minutes of unbroken monologue reading Cena the riot act over the way he treated Eve this week? Of course that’s never going to happen, but still, hypothetically if it were to happen would that would redeem the man in your eyes to some degree? I’m not a fan of the Rock, but he has a lot of pull amongst a large section of the fanbase, and I wonder (as a social experiment) if such a rebuke from him would turn the tide. Thoughts?
I’d go see Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chiprocked!, if The Rock did that.
“Alvin and the boys learn a little something about race relations when they meet their African counterparts in: Alvin and the Chipmunks meet the Chocolate Chips!”
As a wrestling fan who is also a woman, I just gotta say thanks for bringing up all the things I was thinking about during the opening segments with Eve and Cena.
I might have felt different if there had been some build up, if you saw moments alluding to her bad intentions but it came out of nowhere and made absolutely no sense. It just had “Oh god can’t turn Cena heel” written all over it. It was incredibly lazy writing and offensive.
I might have felt different if there had been some build up, if you saw moments alluding to her bad intentions but it came out of nowhere and made absolutely no sense.
This sums it up perfectly. Mucho points for you
No, but it does make sense for it to be so sudden! Because us womens and our mood swings!
oh god you’re right, I bet Taker smokes so much pot.
Anyone who has ever performed a gogoplata has smoked pounds upon pounds of weed.
Well written post as usual…Thanks Brandon
Every WWE t-shirt follows the same formula. The front is actually pretty cool, and occasionally, something you would consider wearing in a non-wrestling setting. Then the back is something so absolutely awful that there is no way you could consider purchasing it. If I have some time one of these days, I’ll set up a gallery to prove this point, but a quick sample: [i15.photobucket.com]
It was disappointing to see the Bellas start off Raw with character development, only for them to lose any development later on the show. Im still not sure why they aren’t faces, especially given their work with the troops.
Cena getting cheered for that tirade of Eve was disgusting. I’m sure those fans cheering Cena also cheer Chris Brown.
Rosa Mendes: Still hot.
Any word on Ziggler’s health? I thought he’d be out for a while with a concussion.
My personal higlight this week….referencing the Undertaker’s dong. How big must that thing be if you can hear it?
WWE writers don’t have a lot of skill, or they wouldn’t be WWE writers. So when the big guy says “Make Eve a bad guy/gal” they have to do what they’re monkey-like brains allow them to do.
Calling her names? It’s not appropriate, I agree, but christ, this is the WWE where we have Farting divas, midgets in just-shy-of blackface and references to homosexuality as if it’s a weakness.
I don’t condone it, but I also didn’t let it get me bent out of shape. I kind of expect low-brow writing from a low-brow form of entertainment. There are literally dozens of ways they could have done things differently, but at the end of the day, they are just writers for the WWE and that’s the best they could do with Vince’s leash tightening up around their necks.
And with that low a standard from the viewing audience, they’ll never aspire to do better. Which wouldn’t really be hard at this point.
@Nemo, that’s exactly it. I haven’t commented on a WWE post in a while and I couldn’t ever put my finger on why exactly everyone seemed okay with story lines playing out the way they do, but it is because no one expects better–it’s a lower threshold for what is acceptable. It’s embarrassing and lessens the impact of the few parts of the show that are truly entertaining.
I watch WWE because my son is a fan. As a woman, I found it cringeworthy to watch the opening yesterday because I shouldn’t have to explain to my kid how Eve kissing someone implies that she is impure and disease-riddled. Fuck.
@writin_impaired. I can sympathize, I was watching with my wife. Awkward! Thankfully she’s been a fan just about as long as I have (if not longer) so it wasn’t quite so skeezy. It was interesting how our reactions developed though. The initial shock, audibly asking “WTF are they doing?” followed by shaking out heads in silence.
Yes, rise above ALL of our assholes, John.
What bothers me is that there are so many other things you can point out about Eve that are negative without calling her a skank:
1) She’s quite the shitty actress, between her “fear” of car rape by Kane a month ago, her “HAHAHA” fake laughing, and her crying face being the same as the face you make when you smell a diva fart.
2) Being the same color as a carrot.
3) Dating a guy who calls his friends “broski” and chants “woo woo woo” kinda brings bad things on yourself, ya know?
Where’s the fucking live Smackdown thread?
dissizit
Loving this blog has become a confusing part of my life.
“It’s not showing off if you can back it up” as a phrase always confused me. If you’re showing off, haven’t you already backed it up? Otherwise what are you showing off about?
I’ve always maintained that the Doom/Simmons theme song is the BEST of the 80s NWA/WCW themes. It just makes me want to walk down an aisle…ANY aisle…to a brawl. And the fact that his “entrance pose” at the time was him just raising his right fist and asking the crowd if they realized it’s clobberosity…classic.
As a child who was not allowed to watch wrestling during the Attitude Era and only watched it when I could sneak it or at a friend’s house, the Eve slut-shaming thing made me very uncomfortable and sad that it isn’t the worst thing to happen to women in the WWE. Also has there ever been an explanation of why Lawler wears those absurd shirts?
I marked out hard to CM Punk’s Cro Cop quote, even if he messed it up slightly.
“Right leg hosptial, left leg cemetary” will always make me happy.
Anyone catch what was written on the Sheamus forever alone sign?
I’d appreciate the quote more if Punk could throw a high kick worth a damn. It’d be like Shane McMahon bragging about his Big Right Hand.
Wow,didn’t catch that quote somehow. Punk has made a couple of cool videos with the Gracies breaking down classic MMA fights
Hey, it’s an AJ!
Damn it Brandon, don’t tell me you’re gonna do a futurama and start suddenly throwing in really emotional stuff in between the hilarity. I can only feel one emotion at a time!
D-Bry laughing his tits off mentioned Big Show.
YO AJ! best thing!
should read ‘mentioning’
typing is hard.
Oh no, it looks like AJ likes dating a winner, time for her to be slut-shamed.
Very nice write up. I’ve been reading your best and worst segments for a while now, and it’s gotten me back into watching wrestling again. Thanks for that.
Welcome to Smackdown, pants optional.
+1
AJ looks ultra tonight.
I told my wife AJ annoys me with with how pretty she is.
All the bests.
I’m not even 30, and AJ makes me feel like a dirty old man.
Speaking of the whole eve fiasco, has anyone seen the video Punk just put up on twitter towards chris brown?
I literally just watched it. Had to pause Smackdown.
Good on Punk, especially with all this garbage going on with Eve.
That was great. I hope this brings him all the publicity in the world, if only to accentuate how bring a piece of trash Chris Brown is.
I’m stunned that Teddy didn’t bait-and-switch the Punk-Bryan match to give us a tag main event with Sheamus and Miz.
Don’t worry, he still has time to turn it into a mixed Divas tag match.
Best for Otunga’s “mmm, mmm, mmm”.
Most definitely.
I really think I saw MLK shake his head in the background
I thought Teddy said: “Don’t forget the flesh” and I was all “tha’ fuck?”
This is actually the Teddy Long from the “Marvel Zombies” alternate timeline.
“On top of every good man…is a good woman.”
So…when’s John Cena gonna pop in and call Oksana a whore-affe or whatever?
Ace and Otunga continue to prove their worthiness for the Smackdown job by pointing out Teddy’s ethical conduct regarding Aksana in the office.
brandon wants us to Rise above Sluts.
Only in the wrestling world can shaking someone’s hand in public without wearing pants make their life.
Best: Lillian Garcia > Justin Roberts.
Dude, are they just replaying yesterday’s show? Holy shit.
At least this isn’t the laziest “Because black guys” tag team they’ve ever slapped together. Remember Reverend D-Von and Ron Simmons?
i hope it comforts you in some small way that most of wwe’s defenders on the slut shaming thing seem to be unable to spell basic words or string together sentences.
my grammar is impeccable, btw, i just happen to be too cool to use caps or care about splicing commas.
I know I’m running the risk of being called a misogynist asshole for this but I agree with this guy’s take on slut-shaming more than anyone’s: [www.stuffyouwillhate.com]
The first comment that sorta facetiously says “I call women I don’t like cunts!” should tell you how cool that column is. You’re welcome to have your “heh, words don’t mean words!” point of view, but it’s selfish and wrong.
I would have absolutely no problem with these two teams feuding over the Tag Titles if they could drop the titles off of the Colons for the next couple of months.
Should have read this before I posted the exact same thing. Derp. Completely agree though.
hey, you gotta admit kofi-dolph is a novel matchup!
+1
Kofi’s eyes are Goddamn thumb magnets.
glad Ziggler is alive.
2nd poke to Kofi’s eyes, costing him a match, in a month. Time for some goggles on WWEShop!
The lily-white tag team beats the black tag team during Black History Month? That’s RACIST, man!
Ziggler brings out the best in Swagger. If these four are the future of the tag team division for now I’m completely fine with it.
Especially if it provides them a platform for Wrestlemania. Also, having Bryan and Miz as a team would help when Danielson inevitably drops the title to Sheamus at Mania.
What’s interesting is that Dolph has gotten 150% better since he was stuck in an endless loop of matches against Kofi. You can tell, because when the two of them got in the ring together tonight, Kofi’s moves looked really crisp and Dolph made them look important. In other words, it didn’t bore me like their last 300 confrontations.
If we are going to talk about aliens, why can we not have any Funkasaurus? He is an alien from the Planet Funk.
Because you dirt sheet punks like him too much. So pipe down with the Johnny L. praise.
Brodus *cumz*
Chris Brown has already responded to Punk’s twitvid. Calls him defensive. I don’t get it. But I’ve also noticed that Brown types like most of the people below who felt like calling Eve a whore for no reason was no big deal. Coincidence, I’m sure.
Chris Brown isn’t used to people defending themselves. Cut him a break.
AJ Lee was only 7 years old when Dat Boy Daniel Bryan and Sheamus squared off in the most memorable Wrestlemania dark match ever. Stroud math.
Ron Simmons HOF Video Package: The only video package I DON’T mind watching multiple times.
I understand cutting out The Nation, since Owen was a part of it. But why not mention the Ministry? That was THE biggest storyline in the company for a year or more, and Ron was a pretty big part of it.
I don’t get that either. Who knows what APA means withought knowing who The Acolytes were?
VICTORY WORM!
DAMN
Is the WWE just Benoiting the time Simmons was Faarooq?….
I miss Faarooq’s bull helmet.
Jonathan Coachman… I forgot about him. Did he die?
espn news!
He’s a legit anchor on ESPN now.
My wife asked what happened to Santino’s unibrow.
“THIS WAS JUST AN EXHIBITION.”
Only Rocky reference I have found witty and hilarious.
lol, love the spitting cobra
If he starts using that like the Green/Red/Chartreuse Mist, it might buy him some time.
Punk/Jericho/Brown Triple Threat?
If it that match turned into Punk and Jericho taking turn shoot choking out Chris Brown, I’d pay for Wrestlemania twice.
The only way you’re gonna get Chris Brown into a WWE ring is if you trick him into thinking he’s fighting AJ.
even Thrice.
\Punk is headlining WM and Brown has a cd coming out and now it’s on WWE’s website.Hmmm….
I’m not savvy to all the goings-on, but if I see Chris Brown show up at ‘Mania, I will never watch wrestling ever again.
Get ready for it. Punk will be jobbing to Chris Brown at some point. Mark my words.
This is gonna be the rapiest, woman-beatingest Wrestlemania ever!
Looks at HOF induction list. Shakes head wistfully.
I would give at least $1000 for Punk to come out wearing a Rhianna shirt to the ring tonight.
Co-Sign. That would be awesome.
Don’t if this has been posted yet but you go CM Punk. [twitter.com]
The Chocolate Wonderfall gets a little sadder every time I see that ad.
I’m OK with Cena calling Eve a slut because I’m Catholic.
Its really weird that the WWE is promoting CM Punk threatening to choke out wife beaters the night after they slut shamed Eve.
The cognitive dissonance, it burns!
Nah, I’d say that’s right in line with typical WWE hypocrisy.
So….verbal abuse is the same thing as physical abuse, huh? Domestic disturbance goes both ways and I’m sure Brown was provoked by some verbal jabs.
Wow. Read the police report dude. Not funny, and not even close to what happened.
Not trying to be funny, and you just validated my point. What does what happened with Eve’s character have ANYTHING to do with what happened to Rihanna? Other than they’re both female?
I’m not sure there’s an amount of money I wouldn’t pay to see Punk beat the shit out of Chris Brown.
[insert comment about Punk having issues with someone who violenced a woman one time, while he himself, not his character, also hates women]. Eve is also not a character.
Oh god Khali.
I am NOT watching my boy Drew job Khali. Drew McIntyre is the SHIT. Later.
*job to
tis a shame what theyve done to him. he was the best part of the smackdown elimination chamber last year
i look at the fact that he manages to get on tv regularly and at least have a story going about his losing streak as a minor improvement. maybe they’re gonna follow up on all the success they’ve had using that storyline with shelton benjamin and mvp.
It’s as if no one backstage has told Khali whether he is suposed to be heel or face
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ…
FUCK THAT. Ugh.
If you’re gonna have a squash match, can’t it at least be a funkasaurus squash match.
lol at the psuedo Khali-WM backdrop camera angle
“You know what list”? Jesus tapdancing monkeyballs Christ.
Any chance Kofi could develop a new finisher called the Chocolate Wonderfall?
If anything it needs to be the new name for The Worlds Strongest Slam
I think WithLeather would fall into some sort of paradoxical void if that happened.
That would make Mark Henry the Singularity.
I am okay with this.
*Sees they are giving publicity to the Punk/Chris Brown Internet Bitch Fight*
Oh WWE, is there no depth you don’t sink to?
I would normally agree with this, but the more people who know Chris Brown is a woman-hitting shithead, the better. The rest is acceptable collateral damage.
Agreed, 85. I don’t like Rhianna, or her music, but Brown’s attitude towards the whole thing, and heavily ignorant attitude, just pushes every last one of my buttons.
SMM – Plus, I can’t imagine Chris Brown’s handlers would allow him to get involved in an angle based on him hitting women. I hope, at least. And if I’m right, there’s no need on WWE’s part to show two sides to this story. Hopefully it’s just more pre-Mania pub for Punk and that’s it.
You’re assuming Chris Brown’s handlers think there is something wrong with hitting women.
Just to defend my line a bit…
I fully support the belief that Chris Brown is an awful human being. The second I saw the video published on WWE’s site is when I immediately went to “Oh God, they’re trying to make an angle out of this aren’t they?” Have Punk eviscerate him on Twitter and leave it at that. Let the internet do as the internet does. If I see that fuckstick on anything WWE related I’m just done, because I can’t support a company that would sink that low for a quick buck. I remain optimistic that won’t happen though since:
- I can’t imagine Brown’s handlers basically advertising him as a woman beater
- I can’t imagine Linda’s election opponents would let this golden opportunity slip by to completely obliterate any chance of getting into office
- WWE’s sponsors won’t probably be too happy either since I would assume domestic violence isn’t PG.
Let it be known I also hate Chris Brown. I feel that lumps me in the exclusive club of “rational and functional human beings.”
i want to hear daniel bryan’s promo outlining his position on the chocolate wonderfall.
If it’s milk chocolate, Daniel Bryan would not dip ANYTHING in it.
D-Bry probably uses Veganaise as food foreplay with AJ.
I just noticed the tiger in Big Show’s shoulder tattoo has thumbs. That is extremely creepy to me.
Cody Rhodes better come out and fuck this shit right up.
good call
Good call, RumHam. Good call.
good call INDEED.
Weirdly enough, a potential Punk/Brown fight based on two days of Twitter beef has more heat on it than a year’s worth of Rock/Cena lady parts tweets.
re: the spitting cobra: i thought it was lame until they timed the second spit just right and it was the first time i legitimately lol’d at a wwe joke in forever that wasn’t cracked by william regal.
mark henry is the most delightful man in all the land
but i have a feeling big show is bout to steal on this fool
How is Big Show supposed to get his wig split if he’s bald?
By locating said wig.
+10000 to mark henry
george w. bush WISHES he came up with “I am the shot-caller!”
BEST: Mark Henry everything.
Mark Henry talking trash mid match is amazing
Oh my God, Mark Henry just became more awesome than ever, and I am going to be really sad when he eats a right hand and they go on and on about how it can COME OUT OF NOWHERE!
CODY!!
I was hoping Big Show was gonna bulldog Mark Henry, then hit him with a lionsault.
cody is super awesome!
oh god big show sumo
That music gets a badge.
that was amazing. a million points to cody
Oh my god. I’ve never seen that footage. I need a protective mask for my eyes now. Thanks Cody.
Wow that video package was sweet. I sometimes regret not watching wrestling during those times.
love how Big Show can’t seem to run after cody
Really WWE?! You couldn’t just let Mark Henry win the match? REALLY?! Tha fuck?
When is the last time Big Show actually RAN after someone backstage
So…uh…did Show get counted out, or…?
Mark Henry win!! Countout!
So Cody and Shaq. Whoopeeeeeeee
Seriously what the hell was that ending? Couldn’t have let Henry just get a pinfall? Wouldn’t have made Show look bad because Cody Rhodes. Goddamnit.
I wish they used Ain’t No Sunshine for HHH vs. Taker. No explanation.
Or, if you’d rather, “I’m Walking On Sunshine”.
I was thinking “Steal my Sunshine” by Len
Sunshine and Lollipops?
I’m now anxiously waiting for Undertaker to sing “You Are My Sunshine” to Hunter.
Sunshine and Lollipops is one of my favorite songs ever.
Mark Henry is so effin’ boss that match. Rhodes even more bossier. And they throw it all away with one friggin’ punch.
why couldn’t they just give Punk and D-BRY two hours??
We did get more of Laurinaitis being awesome. I love the way he smiles as people shit on him.
When you are three steps ahead of the game like Johnny Ace, you can smile at all the insects.
He’s Ozymandias?
side note: Paul E. is giving away an autographed van halen cd , and I’m dying to win. So if you beat me to it, gimmee.
god bless you cody rhodes for making america look up “perspicuous.” i did, and i think you used it wrong, but still!
i clicked on the kids version of the definition on their website and now feel even dumber than before
I thought I was 10 minutes late for Smackdown. But I guess I’m an hour and ten minutes late. Oops!
Anyone see that CM Punk video? :o
Aww man, you missed the HHH/Undertaker recap! Hope you DVR’d it!
For as long as Golden Corral has been airing these Choco Wonderfall commercials,they must be making their advertising dollars back and then some. Here’s to you obese wrestling fan
Bodyslams for all!!
err none.
Why doesn’t Big Johnny have entrance music?
If Zeke doesn’t get pushed soon, they should turn him into Black Dynamite.
But, Big Zeke…I sell bodyslams to the community!
lol at johnny’s dancing
That was the best.
Zeke better do extra bodyslams tonight, to make up for last night.
Gif Please!
OH MY GOD, THESTINGER, GIF THAT IMMEDIATELY.
That was THE BEST.
Well, THESTINGER, there’s your next GIF project. #DancingJohnny
<3 I'll be doing gifs and screen caps tomorrow, if any of you guys have suggestions let me know.
Zeke vs. Otunga II: This Time With Body Slams
BODYSLAMS PLZ!!!!!!! +1 YAY
I fucking love Johnny so goddamn much that I can’t even stand it.
C’mon David, put him in the Tort-ure rack!
Get it, because lawyerisms?
Well done.
denied
“You probably wrote yourself that text…”
Well, it worked for Kevin Nash, sooo…
Sorry, I’ve already repressed that memory.
Even the ref is black! If this keeps up, We can have Superstars on BET! WOOO!
that was good.
WHERE ARE THE BODYSLAMS??? They’re the key to his winning!
Tebowing is dead, long live Otunging
“What the hell are you talking about?” Cole is hilarious when he wants to be.
Am I crazy, or did that end EXACTLY the way the match between them last night ended? Right down to Zeke putting his hands behind his head like he was relaxing on a beach blanket?
because people who watch smackdown apparently don’t watch raw, so you get the same matches and video packages of what happened on raw
Wait… so I’m not who I think I am?! WHO AM I?!?
Say what you will about how horrible WWE creative is but you gotta admit they have used Otunga very well.Without that angle he would be jobbing to Khali every week
it’s funny how you think a guy is worthless and one of the worst performers the company has and then he has this transformation you didnt think was possible with the guy. same thing happened to r-truth last year too imo
Guys, I love you all. Please put all gif requests below here so I don’t miss any. They’ll be up tomorrow afternoon. <3
Big Johnny, ALL DAY LONG.
If you could get a screenshot of of Khali with the WM sign in the backdrop after he won I would use it as my profile pic
AJ turning sideways at the ramp so we know she has boobs, a squirting cobra, anything with a MLK picture in the background. Okay, scratch the last one.
I’m actually really disappointed that Teddy didn’t replace the MLK poster with one of Malcolm X on account of this being the anniversary of his death and all.
Otunga vs. Funkasaurus at ‘Mania. Calling it.
Nope, sorry, Funkasaurus was hit by Darkseid’s Omega Beams, and is fighting his way back to our reality, by living out a succession of alternate lives, each more terrible than the last.
Maybe he was chosen as the Green Lantern of his sector?
+2 to both of you.
You have no idea just how badly I hope someone from DC is reading this board and decides that would be a fantastic idea for a crossover.
Kilowog: “Cadet Clay! You should not be DANCING at the Sinestro Corps!”
Brodus: “SHOULD I GET THEM?”
Kilowog: “Yes, poozer!”
Brodus: “MY BAD!”
And then he’d have green constructs of his Funkette dancers at his side at all times.
oh my god, all of you, just… oh my god. thank you.
Wouldn’t this whole scenario make Big Johnny Metron? Cause I’m okay with that.
That would be the greatest crossover ever.
Let’s run through the Bests so far.
Best: Heel AJ
Best: AssCape
Best: “Cody Rhodes Presents”
THE Best: Johnny Dancing
Worst: Khali Exists
So far, so good.
I’m not trying to be disagreeable or anything, but I don’t get CM Punk going after this Chris Brown guy. Sure, in my younger days I took a guy out to the wood shed after he laid hands on a girl-friend of mine, but if Punk really wants to go after guys who have abused and hurt women why doesn’t he look at his backyard and pick a fight with Mike Tyson?
Any publicity off of Chirs brown is worse than video packaging slut shaming.
btw i love vodka.
Valid criticism, but I think the thrust of Punk’s video is “You haven’t begun to get what you deserve.” At least Tyson went to prison. Brown picked up some trash and acts as though no one can judge him. And if he can’t ignore a comment like that it’s hard to imagine he understands the problem people have with him.
No, I get that. I really do.
I do food delivery to various homeless shelters and areas where homeless gather. Whenever we have leftover food we take it to a local woman’s shelter. When we do so I’m not allowed to go in because a lot of these women and children have been brutalized and scarred and the last thing they need to see is some strange man showing up.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I think it’s really easy to focus on the abusers but there are lots of devastated women and children that often get overlooked. I guess I’d rather CM Punk did something productive instead of getting into a dick measuring contest with a pariah.
I don’t disagree with you. It’s an unfortunate side effect of things like this that victims are often overlooked. But in a situation where people give passes to assholes for the worst of behavior because they can sing or dance, I’m willing to make an exception and allow Punk to shame Brown all he wants.
SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT
I get it now. Eve Torres is Kim Kardashian.
Hoeski The Remix
So, in the hub-bub of Big Johnny’s dancing exhibition, the latest in the endless series of Lilian derps was lost. She’s timeless.
Is it just me or is the Wrestlemania banner bigger than usual tonight? Is it like an asteroid that is rapidly approaching earth?
I am sorry, I do not see a WrestleMania banner. Would you be so kind as to point it out to me?
I see what you did there.
it’s that thing on your keyboard.
Melancholia tie-in!
Next week on Smackdown, Zack Ryder’s going to put a clothes-hanger on the end of a stick.
Man, I love that movie. I think DBry would be a great Dunst.
That makes AJ the guy from True Blood! And Punk is Charlotte Gainsbourg.
This video package is the darkest timeline.
This is so much more moving with the background music.
word, Michael Cole.
< My face when i agree with cole
Holy crap, Michael Cole just made a face turn on this board.
Start Punk/Bryan NOW. I want 30 minutes of this match.
Beardless Punk looks too much like Crispin Glover.
Did your comment get cut off? Because I’m pretty sure that sentence was supposed to end with “and it’s awesome.”
If he’d have started talking about shooting buffalo from a moving train, I would have lost my shit.
All right CM Punk shitting on Big Johnny generally a worst but the voice in his impression of him was IMPECCABLE.
it really was.
Logic and long term memory has returned to CM Punk.
Best: Serena Reference
Ok. If I were a member of the WWE Fictional Board Of Directors and trying to pick a GM. I’d look it at like this: Teddy and Johnny both tend to favor certain wrestlers. Teddy the faces and Johnny the heels. But only one of these two guys is having an inappropriate sexual relationship with an underling. Thus the choice is clear. Johnny Ace is for President.
^except vince’s history shows that this is just fine to do
Yeah if anything it may actually work in Teddy’s favor.
That makes him a real man, surely!
Punk vs. Bryan. Time to grab my sock.
It’s painted like a cobra, right? Please tell me that’s paint.
+10 because i care about you masturbating
I’d rather not say. But it is a champion.
Not that I disapprove because hey, masturbation is awesome, but this place has become really masturbatory-y lately.
I don’t masturbate, I give handjobs to a star.
If you call Tone Loc a star, sure.
Looks like me and Santino have one thing in common, A spitting Cobra #BAZING
Why did eve even turn on zack? John Cena was right, she is a scandalous bitch. Hoesky Hoesky Hoesky Hoesky
Well…that was awkward…
DID BOOKER T JUST DEFEND CHRIS BROWN OF ALL PEOPLE??? WHAT WORLD ARE WE IN?!?
No, he said “Don’t sleep on him, he isn’t afraid to put hands on people”. As in “HEY THIS IS A GUY WHO IS FAMOUS FOR PUNCHING PEOPLE, SPECIFICALLY HIS GIRLFRIEND”.
I don’t know why it was expressed in all caps.
Michael Cole is rapidly becoming the voice of reason tonight.
WRESTLING.
20 minutes for Punk/Bryan?
/cums
chris brown misses wrestlers who mainly stopped wrestling before he was born?
I notice he didn’t mention Iron Sheik who wants to fuck his ass old country way and make him humble.
I didn’t wanna be that guy but Sheik’s twitter posts about Brown are AWESOME
Yeah, you know you’re a great person when you make the insane old racist homophobe sound like the voice of reason.
Dear Grod, please do not let this end with a count-out, a DQ, Jericho interference, or anything other than a clean win.
really doubt there’s going to be a clean end.
Yeah no way this ends clean but everything up until then will be great.
Oh man that was fucking RIGHTEOUS.
The kid that Punk threw his shirt to is now wearing it. Best!
Commercialsssss
And brandon, I know you’ll see this. So if you spend a B/W talking about slut shaming, you had better go apeshit talking about how much Chris brown/WWE is the dumbest thing they could do this year.
Wait, so we’re calling this a work already?
fuck yes
Publicity stunt or not, it’s Punk going on the record, outside of the ring, and saying abusing women is wrong and that Chris Brown is a twat. I think we can unequivocally agree these are true statements.
Yeah, like The Rock would ever be in a MITB match.
What is up with the bella twins cheating in every match? Why can’t they just fight a normal fight withpout cheating all the damn time
Say what you will but Booker T is the least biased announcer we’ve got.
So he’s an announcer that does what he’s supposed to? Say whaaat?
I love Booker T. He’s excited to be there and even when he doesn’t like someone he still admits that Cody Rhodes or whoever is a good wrestler. Him and Regal would make my dream commentary team.
“I find out the chris brown fan name is the team breezy. Team breezy is the biggest gay worse than virgil and hitler”
OI’LL HELP YA FOIGHT ‘IM, FELLA!
johnny ace to save the day
Yeeeah Big Johnny !
::does the Big Johnny Dance::
I wish Big Johnny was my father.
thought the same thing.
Comparing Teddy Long as a GM to Big Johnny as a GM is like comparing apples to awesome.
+1 to you sir.
+2
+3
=6
20 bucks says they come back from commercial break with Punk in a submission hold
You’re my hero Big Johnny.
Also, I know I just compliment Booker T, but I take that back immediately. He’s going to run this business into the ground with moves like this? Like what? Making people wrestle?
He’s tweeting at ringside!
HOLE ON A MINNIT PLAYA
loving this
My God, this is so ridiculously overbooked.
Don’t be the Netcop.
Would you believe I regretted it the minute I hit “Post Comment”? haha
They haven’t banned throws over the top rope yet after last night?
Big Johnny and Teddy Long in a GM of both brands match at WM.
At this point, I’d be ok with the entire McMahon stable coming out to keep restarting this match.
It’s always a little Worst when Punk doesn’t say “I’m flying!” when he does that top rope clothesline thing. :(
Who’s left to restart the match next time? Triple H? Vince? Linda?
The Anonymous LapTop is going to chime in.
William Regal
Judy Bagwell.
There’s no way this can end clean. I hope I’m wrong.
I’m not wrong, but not upset either.
It’s a bummer, but at the same time at least SOMEBODY in the back is thinking ahead. This matchup shouldn’t end clean until it matters.
I don’t care how this ends. It’s great right now.
agreed.
lol double pinfall
Best no-contest ever?
Yep. Best no contest ever.
Aw yay! Everyone wins! :D
I’m sorry, but shouldn’t be Teddy be standing up for Bryan and Johnny for Punk? Like how does it make sense that they are supporting who they are?
Johnny is trying to endear himself to the Smackdown roster so they want him?
HEEL STABLE DONT YOU WATCH THIS FUCKING SHOW OR WHAT
They want to take over the other program. Makes some sense.
Right, Johnny knows that Punk is a lost cause.
Whoa, THESTINGER!
All right fair enough. Thank you gang.
Also +1 @ THESTINGER.
Bad joke, sorry guys! <3
RESTART IT!
JACKET OF DOOM.
It’s on, playa!
can we book next years main event at wrestlemania to be an iron match between punk and bryan?
Screw it. Do it this year.
I need to change my pants
aw damn i thought they were going to throw down
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….
Right into Justified. If only every Tuesday night were like this.
Told true, brotha!
Fuuuuuck yes.
Holy shit, first 5 minutes of Justified… whoa!
TEDDY FEARS THE ACE CRUSHER
It’s been real. Talk to you all on Thursday night for Imp- oh, I can’t even finish that thought.
We could all get together and watch Ring Ka King.
ha!
I have some old ECW tapes if you guys wanna come over and hang out.
I’ll bring the vegan non-alcoholic beer.
That show was okay, but where was the hate embracing? Not one skank? A 10-minute opening promo instead of 20? Come on WWE.
Seriously, Sheamus and Jericho can eff off an die. Punk vs. Cena III Iron Man Match at ‘Mania.
Been fun you lot. Everyone go start preying for a Bryan/Punk/Rhodes/Ziggler fatal fourway match next week.
I’m hoping for a Punk/Teddy Vs. Bryan/Johnny
big johnny’s holla holla dance tonight and also that one time that vickie guerrero did john morrison’s slo-mo entrance make every parody that DX has ever done look like a pile of puke in comparison.
i just got home and i missed everything.
i wish AJ would come over and console me
On CM Punk vs. Chris Brown:
While I certainly can’t condone CM Punk threatening to ACTUALLY beat up Chris Brown. I have no problem with CM Punk reminding people that Chris Brown is a remorseless piece of garbage. If more celebrities had spoken up against Chris Brown when they had the chance, he wouldn’t be getting this self-serving “redemption party” the entertainment industry seems intent on forcing on all of us.
I think the main difference is that Punk didn’t say, “If I see you on the street, I am going to wreck your shit”. He challenged him to an actual fight, which would’ve put them on (theoretical) even ground.
While I don’t think we need to be reinforcing the idea that “Fighting solves all your problems”, I DO think that, in this particular instance, the punishment fits the crime, so to speak.
Oh, Eve, I still lust you. I mean love. Well… one of those.
Hey THESTINGER, I wrote something: [doctorawesomus.tumblr.com]
That is most excellent, Doctor Awesomus. I’m really glad you’re writing. I’m definitely tumblefollowing you and everyone else should, too.
I really dig your analysis of Punk / Brown and what happened last night on Raw. There are so many inherent contradictions to what’s going on and you brilliantly laid it all out. Thanks for that and I hope you update regularly!
Well said, doc. I hope wrestling someday gets to the level Comics and other TV shows did in the early 2000s- worthwhile entertainment with social commentary that can expand to a greater set of audiences.
(Of course, then they come crashing back down. Looking at you, New 52)
So is Michael Cole intentionally switching between hating on Daniel Bryan on Raw and talking him up on Smackdown?
Wade Barrett is my favorite wrestler and my heart broke when he got hurt last night. But, I can’t stop looking at that gif. It’ll haunt my dreams for the next 6-8 weeks. Can they just show re-runs of Raw and Smackdown until he’s fully healed? Also, does Wade get Knighthood by saving Dolph from totally plowing into a table?
Sir Wade Barrett.
That sounds amazing!
People kept throwing homophobic slurs Justin Bieber’s way and I really didn’t care. Apparently he was terrible. It took years for me to hear one of his songs. And he was terrible! So I clicked the red X at the top of my screen and haven’t listened to him since. I don’t go around calling him a little girl. He just sucks and I know and I’m over it.
All the Chris Brown stuff is the collective community trolling TMZ desperately seeking something to be angry at. The Chris Brown stuff happened three years ago, and it sucked and was reprehensible and we all said that, and now that he appeared on the Grammys all of a sudden it’s a thing again. I don’t care. I didn’t care for years. I’ve never heard a Chris Brown song in my life. He’s a real-life shithead and we all know it, whatever. Domestic violence happens every day. It’s never okay, but what bothers me is the focus on this. It’s easy prey. We’re not tackling the problem, we’re going after whatever makes us look cool and hip. If it wasn’t Chris Brown beating women today, it would be Ben Roethlisberger raping someone tomorrow. It’s the Bono idea. Throw all your efforts at this cause just for your album to sell.
CM Punk claims to stand up for women while telling Chris Brown to “be a man”, asserting his superiority by having testicles unlike Chris Brown, who is too much like a lady (who we’re trying to stand up for, right?) CM Punk may not be my favorite wrestler anymore. That hurts to type.
I took the “Chris Brown is not a man” item differently in this because… it came on the tails of calling him “a sad, cowardly little boy” hence making it, to me, about him not acting like an adult.
The whole thing is awkward and somewhat problematic because Punk’s reaction to women is usually unpredictable, but if it’d been another “balls in purse” promo in Smarmy Punk Voice, I’d not be behind it.
If you think the outrage about Chris Brown is anyone trying to appear cool and hip, I don’t know what to tell you.
Wow. Just…absolutely wow.
The issue isn’t, “Oh, hey, Chris Brown was on the Grammys, I remember him, he beat someone, let’s be mad about that again!” Not even a little, not even at all.
The issue is that, 3 years later, he made a huge “come back”, and is being lauded as if the things he did never happened. He’s ACTING like the things he did never happened, and showing absolutely no remorse for them. And what’s worse, society and the media are joining the party. Girls are jumping on Twitter, posting things like, “Chris Brown can beat me any time”. The media is giving him a full forum to come out, smile left and right, and perform his stupid little dance routines, and basically be a cocky douche bag that I’d hate WITHOUT the domestic violence, and not have to pay a single bit of penance for what he did, past picking up some garbage (if he did, in fact, do that as Punk suggested). People are defending him, and saying things like, “We should be worried about more important things like war and poverty”.
Not to take anything away from war and poverty, because hey, those suck, too, but domestic violence is absolutely a big deal. What he did was disgusting and deplorable, and the fact that he is being allowed to show zero remorse for what he did, and daring to act indignant when someone says, “Hey, you were kind of a douchebag that one time” is inexcusable.
Here is how the exchange should have gone:
CM Punk: “Chris Brown is a douchebag ad I’d like to fight him, because hurting women isn’t okay.”
Chris Brown (TO HIMSELF): “Sigh. I fucked up pretty bad, huh? I can completely understand people hating me.”
And that’s it. The end. He should not get to make jokes, and name drop old wrestlers, and think Goldust and Goldberg are the same person. He should not get to accuse people who are, by all accounts, better human beings than he could ever DREAM of being, of using steroids, just because they said something about him he didn’t like to hear.
In this life, you do the things you do, and accept the rewards or the consequences. Chris Brown did an absolutely disgusting thing, and no one seems to care anymore. In my opinion, there are certain things that one does that are unforgivable. I don’t know the jerkoff, and maybe he feels remorse, but I’m of the opinion that people who do nasty, terrible things, should not get to be lauded and given millions of dollars, because it only reinforces the idea that when you’re rich and famous, there are no consequences, and your redemption isn’t dependent on your actual deeds, but is only as far away as your next album. I think that, as decent human beings, it’s perfectly okay for us to NOT be okay with that. It’s not being cool, it’s not being hip. It’s being genuinely saddened by how far we’ve fallen as a society.
TL;DR…Whatever. I feel better for having said it.
I can only control myself, and I can say definitively that I’m not giving him millions of dollars or condoning his actions or challenging him to REAL LIFE FIGHTS~! that never happen and only make him more popular. Turning off MTV or not watching the already-terrible Grammys is a small but effective way of not condoning his actions. I’m not defending him, I’m not attacking him, I just don’t care. I care about slut shaming and domestic violence and I care about the people in my life hurt by it. I don’t need to cry out to celebrities on Twitter over something so personal a few trending topics wouldn’t alter.
SHOULD he apologize? Yeah, sure. But I don’t control him. All I can say is “You do bad things, so I won’t support you.” and then I don’t support him. Anything else is for the self.
Well said, SpaceMonkeyMafia. You summed up the situation perfectly.
I’m a male feminist, and it just gets painful to watch sometimes. Raw this past Monday was one of those painful times that made me feel ashamed. I keep watching because I love wrestling and WWE has a lot of good modern wrestling, but all the time I wonder if I should just quit. Because it it offends me, why watch?
Regardless, thanks for this article, Brandon. It was really great. Also thanks to the fans in the comments that let me know that I’m not alone in being a wrestling fan who feels this way.
I’ll be back to read some more of your articles.
Also, DINO DAMAGE. Ah, what it felt like to be a kid during those times.
Shouldn’t it be the Tannen Gambit?
Wanted to watch Smackdown before commenting because I couldn’t really think straight after Raw. After reading Brandon and Dr. Awesomus and the comments thread I feel better about “my neighborhood” but I feel worse about the WWE writing room. They have a serious problem in there and whether it’s McMahon or whoever what they really need is some type of Ron Swanson / Chuck Norris / Dalton from Roadhouse analogue.
Only instead of trumpeting government downsizing, rampant meat consumption, the benefits of chest hair, the benefits of throat ripping, this guy or gal is tasked with shaking his/her head sternly and mouthing “No” when somebody throws out “Blame it on the woman!” “This Business,” “Big Show – legitimate title contender,” or what have you. I admit, this poor son/daughterofagun is going to need constant neck message and a good supply of lip balm but hopefully – eventually – the pavlovian response will settle in and people will stop thinking these things we know to be patently terrible are good options.
Also, I’m taking extra gender care here because it’s important and most very smart, good, funny people think gender balance on a writing team creates great programming.
[www.imdb.com]
They would be right.
Also, the sign guy got a follow from me.
Wade – I salute your noble sacrifice and hope Ziggler wears a black armband with your initials on it until you come back.
Lastly, whoever decided to have Otunga go over Jackson on his own show gets a gold star ESPECIALLY after the picture in picture Big Zeke apology. That’s a swerve and a nice one.
So I just got home from work (damnable overnight shift) and I have two things to say. One, the Bryan v Punk match was some of the best wrestling I’ve seen in the WWE in a long time, and it once again shows that if they would actually allow the matches to tell stories the crowd WILL get into it. Instead of the forced Cena/Kane hellish rapehole bullcrap that they’ve been jamming in our faces, people want to see competitive wrestling with near falls, grappling, and a sense of realism, not a series of guys hitting a special move and the match being done in 3 minutes so we can watch a video recrap.
Two, this little community of wrestling fans is fantastic. Both Mr. Stroud’s work and all of the hilarious, insightful, and awesomely open-minded commenters on this site are something I look forward to every week, and something that helps me through the twelve hour shift slog. So, seriously, thank you.
Dolph Ziggler @HEELZiggler
Due to overwhelming response, PINK #ShowOff shirts will be available ASAP! #TheLuckyOnesPullItOff ;) #AssCape
Dolph Ziggler @HEELZiggler
Due to overwhelming response, PINK #ShowOff shirts will be available ASAP! #TheLuckyOnesPullItOff ;) #AssCape
Dolph Ziggler @HEELZiggler
Due to overwhelming response, PINK #ShowOff shirts will be available ASAP! #TheLuckyOnesPullItOff ;) #AssCape
Dolph Ziggler @HEELZiggler
Due to overwhelming response, PINK #ShowOff shirts will be available ASAP! #TheLuckyOnesPullItOff ;) #AssCape
Awesome, now all it needs is a collar I can flip up.
My significant other doubts that I will purchase this shirt. I’ll show him. #showoff
The only way Dolph’s shirt could be better is if it turns out that it has been Hypercolour all this time.
I was watching the new UMB Best-Of, all excited to see this long-lost IWA-MS match against Tracy Smothers where he got concussed to the point of vomiting, and who should be on commentary but a young CM Punk, who at one point refuses to continue until his booth partner calls him a genius.
I’ve already said it on Twitter, but I am tracking you down at Wrestlemania and buying you and Destiny the most vegan thing we can find for that second page alone.
As much as I hate to preference things with ‘Well, as a female wrestling fan…’ but I will. WWE has enough problems with their storylines keeping people interested, and still fans of their products after they outgrow their kid-sized Cena shirts. I came back to wrestling after a very long time. Without watching, I had already developed a hatred of DX when a crotch chop became the default retort to EVERYTHING in middle school. Why would I want to watch a product that was only going to tell me to ‘suck it’?
I have wrestlers and storylines I love, I naturally hate 99% of Divas segments (but that’s less being a girl, moerso being a functioning human being), and The amount of times I utter ‘Shut up, Lawler’ during shows is astounding. I was beyond excited at the glimmer of hope Kharma offered, but…well, we know how that turned out.
Insinuating that you are no better than a woman means that you don’t think anything of women, but if that’s your only go-to insult, that just hows how ignorant you are, and how bad you are at cutting promos (TRIPLE H). Slut-shaming and feeding into rape culture is a dangerous, shameful thing. I turned Raw off as soon as the Hoeski chant started, and I didn’t look back. I have been salivating at the idea of a Mark Henry-Sheamus rematch, but the show lost me early and I have no regrets.
Even if you personally think degrading women is okay in your daily life, it’s imperative to keep that off of television. There are little girls watching in the crowd and at home. Do you think they’re going to grow up and stay with a business that teaches them that they’re no good, no talent fart-machines? Do you think that’s going to contribute to a healthy attitude towards themselves and other girls in the future? Do you think those little boys watching are going to have a healthy and accepting attitude towards girls who stand up for themselves, or are they just going to tell them to suck it? Are those moms who go to the merch stand and cart back twelve John Cena shirts going to shell out money for someone who thinks everything they do, and they themselves are intrinsically weak, sexually-motivated, and useless?
No.
It’s 20-fucking-12. Be a fucking star, WWE.
Very well said. I agree completely with you and with Brandon about this whole thing.
Amen Sister. You said it better than I could even being to.
As a less-serious, less-ranting aside from my last comment, I’d like to point out that my favourite wrestler when I was little was Yokozuna *because* he was fat, and also because he sat on people but got really scared of Undertaker.
Extra kudos for a Buck Zumhofe link. This whole recap is why you’re my favourite.
i guess John Cena forgot to BA Star.
This is great every week Brandon.
If all you’re gonna do is write shitty little articles where all you do is talk shit, fucking STOP WATCHING WRESTLING if its so bad. Fucking douche bag.
That’s the thing. Wrestling isn’t “so bad,” there are moments when you can see the brilliance of the writers and performers involved. There’s a reason this is called the *BEST* and Worst of RAW. Sometimes people do things that are best. It just so happens that this week, something happened that was such a worst that it got a whole page devoted to it.
Or, in your parlance:
If the article is so bad, fucking STOP READING THEM if its [sic] so bad. Fucking douche bag.
It is his JOB to write about it. Is it your job to be a an annoying person in a comment section? Seems one of the two is easier to quit doing.
Bro, congrats, Brolos! Cool story, Bro!
Alright, I’ll play devil’s advocate. How does WWE handle the Kane/Ryder/Cena thing responsibly without re-hashing old schtick? 1-2-3 go.
Have Ryder show up on Raw the next week and be all, “hey, so I watched the show on my DVR when I got home and you’re right, it’s a misunderstanding, I overreacted” and Cena’s all “nah it’s cool bro eve be trippin” or whatever, and then they go “you know who we should really beat the shit out of for all this? Kane, the guy who kidnapped her and tried to murder me like four times”.
And then you go right into a Kane/Ryder feud where Eve tries to inject herself into it, and Ryder is all, “no, this isn’t about you, it’s about me and Kane”. And then Eve moonsaults away forlornly.
I wrote a long-ass reply and deleted it. Three times. What they all had in common was the word ‘desensitization’.
I don’t want to write a blog on someone else’s blog.
Type it again!
I’m definitely interested in hearing Joelski’s idea too, but since I had a lunch break to burn today, here’s a long-winded thing that could work. Maybe?
Raw opens with Laurinaitis and Otunga in the ring. Laurinaitis trashes Cena for destroying Kane with hustle, loyalty, and ambulances since two wrongs don’t make a right, even if it was to defend thy broski’s honor. Kane stayed overnight in the hospital, but he hasn’t returned a single one of Johnny’s texts. Once Laurinaitis figures out a proper punishment for Cena, he’ll let the WWE Universe know via Twitter. However, he also wants to address another issue: Zack Ryder. He hasn’t been healthy, hasn’t been “winning “(imagine him overselling this outdated reference awesomely), and if he doesn’t suck it up and wrestle better soon, Laurinaitis will be happy to wish him well in his future endeav…
Eve interrupts to a chorus of boos and cheers… boo-cheers… beers. She admits the last few days have been tough, emotional, and confusing for her, but she knows that Laurinaitis is wrong to threaten her friends Cena and Ryder. What Cena did to Kane was as legal as a headlock (vintage JR!) in the context of an Ambulance Match™, and it was to someone who almost kidnapped her a week ago. Plus, Laurinaitis himself wasn’t doing his job when he made Ryder compete while suffering from Back Death these last few weeks, which eventually landed Ryder on the IR. If anything, Laurinaitis should step down from his position of Unnecessarily Long Executive Title of A Top-Heavy Organizational Entity Called Monday Night Raw.
Laurinaitis then threatens Eve’s job for talking out of turn (again), when Cena comes out to beers. Cena says last week was a little awkward turtle (complete with hand gesture, cartoon voice, and goofy turtle face), but he knows that he, Ryder, and Eve (not he, Eve, and Ryder – OMG LUV TRIANGLE) are still BFF’s and they’ll figure things out. However, last night, Cena and the WWE Universe overcame Hate by hustling to the merch stand, so Cena shouldn’t have to deal with Clownshoes Laurinaitis anymore. Instead, Cena wants to focus on The Rock, but he’s not here tonight, so Cena demands that Johnny Ace guaran-damn-tees that the Rock is on Raw in-person next week. Laurinaitis says he’ll do it because Boots to Asses* and then announces the following Henry – Big Beaker match.
(*Or because not even he is bigger than Wrestlemania – Laurinaitis knows this because he’s only 6’4″ and the sign over his shoulder is 49’6″.)
This all leads to the same first match on the show, the same Cena mid-show promo later on (minus the Skankasaurus thing), and the same Rock video package hyping his appearance next week, which makes way more sense with Cena demanding it instead of it just showing up in a “BTW, the Wrestlemania main event guy didn’t accidentally delete the PPV event from his Blackberry calendar.”
Right before the Battle Royal of Death, though, Eve knocks on Cena’s locker room door. They both sort of awkwardly recap What Happened Last Monday and both claim Ryder hasn’t replied to their texts/calls/Pinterest invites. Eve thinks they should make more of an effort to reach out, but Cena calmly states that Ryder might just need more time to get over things. Eve admits she first kissed Cena in the heat of the moment, but she’s been thinking about him a lot over the last week. She doesn’t want to hurt Ryder, but she likes Cena. She then asks Cena if he could talk to Ryder about maybe… you know… John and Eve going on a date. Cena says he’ll think about it.
Has there been a moment in the WWE where two babyface guys each had a thing for the same girl, and they actually had the “bro, I know you like her, but she likes me, and I kind of like her too, and this is super-awkward but can I ask her out” conversation? I might just be blocking things out or straight-up not remembering something like this happening, but this could be uncharted territory. Plus, a lot of that 18-34 male demographic could relate to this situation and sort of choose sides without trying to figure out who’s the bigger face. Sure, the easy way out would be to have Ryder say “Are you serious, bro?” and turn him into the jealous, scorned #HEEL for a program with Cena after ‘Mania, but this could go in a couple different directions besides that, or the current Skankasaurus Eve crap we have right now.
-What if Ryder actually was an adult about it and was legit cool with Cena dating Eve? What if he stayed the loyal friend face who was still a little gun-shy around women, but Cena and Eve talked him up to other WWE Divas? (crappy WWE comedy bits > Monday’s opening segment) What if, after ‘Mania, Ryder got drafted to Smackdown, had a legit heart-warming tag match farewell with Cena and Eve in his corner, then he met a new Smackdown lady friend and with new-found confidence earned a WHC match?
-What if the storyline got put on hold till ‘Mania, when Cena celebrates his victory over the Rock in the ring, kisses Eve in the heat of the moment, and Ryder returns the following Raw?
-What if Cena let her down easy, then when she went back to Zack for consolation and hugs, Ryder says “are you serious, bro-dette?” and says he isn’t cool with being the shoulder-to-cry-on? Ryder could do this in a non-dickish way to save face, but then wouldn’t Eve being rejected twice be a better reason to turn heel than advancing her career in THIS BUSINESS with coochie-popping powers?
Also, I don’t see Kane coming back until after Mania, so I wanted to pretend he’s gone till then. I’m also hoping that when he returns, Zack hits him with the Flying Dick Attack and then Kharma follows up on Kane with an Implant Buster ’12 that sends him through the ring.
And as for the Eve thing, fucking cry about it jesus. Be a man. Women belong in a kitchen making sandwiches. Most of them are sluts and deserve to be called sluts. Its a storyline for fucks sake its not real. Do you write bitchy little articles about every movie that comes out where women are not even close to being mistreated? The only way that would’ve been mistreatment of a women is if he douched her in the face with his fist. He called her a slut, when she was acting like a slut, like oh em gee how terrible.
good post im glad u are here as part of our community thx bro
If this isn’t John Cena’s UPROXX account I’m going to be devastated.
borlos gay
Space Monkey Mafia, well played.
Brandon,
Thanks for your honest thoughts on the Eve situation. That’s why I read your articles. You present honest, intelligent discourse on a subject that generally caters more to the trolls of the world.
The worst part, to me, is that the writers didn’t have to let this happen. They wrote themselves into a corner, and considering we’re dealing with the same group that thought the fact that Hart rhymes with fart was worth creating a whole gimmick, this was the best they could come up with. I honestly believe that. I don’t think WWE’s writers are capable of anything better than what we saw on Monday. That’s the worst part about this whole thing.
Anyway, thanks again for being up-front about your thoughts. The reason your column is read so much more than the others in the IWC is your belief that wrestling fans can be something smarter than what Vince wants us to be. Keep it up.
Thank you. And you’re absolutely right, the segment existing like this (including the dramatic musical recap version on Smackdown) instead of literally anything else is the very worst part.
Spot on here. At the end of the day, I think that’s what I found to be the most offensive thing about the opening segment on Monday night – beyond the slut-shaming aspect of it (nothing new to anybody who’s watched WWE) was how absolutely CHEAP it was – “uhhh…how do we end this? I know, let’s blame it on the bitchez!!”. Cheap and condescending – the WWE writers’ motto.
I’m glad to have found a place that’s aware of these issues in wrestling, and willing to speak out about them. As much as I like WWE, there’s just so much wrong with the product, and I feel you’ve hit the nail on the head here.
The whole Eve situation is just horrible, as well as ignoring a potential chance for the characters to act and grow like adults. They took the easy way out, Eve’s getting heat, so she’s immediately turned into a bitchy heel (the only type of heel divas can be apparently), despite the fact that it basically ignores everything she’s done and makes no sense. Using John Cena to further your career makes sense, using Zack Ryder doesn’t. The angle could have actually been used to progress the characters, but instead it’s just wrapped up in the quickest and stupidest way possible because John Cena has to get back to feuding with The Rock for Wrestlemania.
How should it have gone? Look at the character motivations. Eve was never dating Zack. She wanted nothing to do with him at first, but eventually became his friend. She has every right to kiss Cena if she wants, and she should recognise that and fight for that right. Hell, she could take up the issues raised in this column as part of her gimmick, and actually be, you know, a complex character.
Ryder can come to terms with that and accept he was angry as a gut reaction, but it’s really not her fault. However, Cena knew full well how he felt about her, and he certainly made no effort to push her away. Cena apologises but Ryder tells him he broke the Broski code and that just doesn’t go away. Ryder stays out of the way until after Wrestlemania, comes back and challenges Cena at Extreme Rules. Cena doesn’t want to fight, but Ryder insists.
Then in their match at Extreme Rules, they really go at each other. Ryder can develop an edge to his character that will let him get a further than his outright goofy gimmick (which I love, but it’s got limited potential), and Cena has to reluctantly take down someone he considers a friend.
It should be possible without anyone turning heel too. Cena’s genuinely sorry and Ryder is genuinely aggrieved, and it ends up with both still face, they just have a problem with each other.
Meanwhile, Eve gets something to build a character around, rather than being happy face diva #2 or bitchy diva #3. If she can get the fans behind her as a feminist, great. If she doesn’t, push her down the CM Punk/Daniel Bryan route of being too extreme with the whole thing and have her feud with a face Natalya (or any face diva really, but Natalya needs anything over than a farting gimmick), going the face route of “your ideas are right but you’re hurting the cause by being so extreme”.
Of course, that relies on writing complex characters who are characters rather than caricatures.
Thanks for writing this. Knowing how easily they could make this better is crazy frustrating.
Agreed. A million times over. Love it.
Can you just go back to being funny? Every week this turns into more of a social commentary. It’s WWE.
Good news is that there are like 7 non-preachy pages in this report. Sometimes I’ve got to break that shit out. Trust me, I’d rather be writing about Otunga’s victory poses.
I’ll admit, I commented after reading just the first page.
For the record, I don’t think Brandon’s intent is to change the world with “social commentary”. I think the point is to point out that the WWE “writers” (for lack of a more appropriate term that doesn’t involve the phrase “hacks”) seem to think that the best way to please their audience is to condescend to all of us by assuming that we’re a bunch of ill-bred trash who hate women and minorities. I’d like a solid wrestling product that doesn’t routinely make me feel uncomfortable about the fact that I LIKE wrestling in the first place, if that’s OK with all you “it’s just the WWE” folks.
+1 JBShakes. You get platonic hugs from me.
I haven’t seen so much negativity on a B&W comments section. Can’t we all just get along and go back to making poopies jokes and talking ’bout Wonderfalls and just accept the fact that Brandon Stroud is Vegan, which makes him better than all of us meat eaters?
now this is more like it!
dammit man where were you Monday to get us back on track?
Unfortunately my only available internet access is during work, so I can’t comment during RAW ’cause I’m already home by then, or else I would have totally LAID DOWN THE LAW. Fear not though! I am almost done training my carrier pigeon so I can have it send messages to Brandon.
*Spoiler Alert: it’ll be a paper that says: “Poopies >:(“
-Did anybody else feel like Smackdown! last night was a big ol’ apology for Monday night? “Yeah…sorry about that, guys. Here’s a well-put together show with some solid matches leading up to Punk/Bryan in the main event, and we won’t even put the farting girl on the air tonight. OK?”
-Brandon – I get the whole “because hey! Black guys” thing about the Kingston/Truth team-up, but don’t you think they compliment each other very well? Back when the WWE still employed real announcers, I really enjoyed the way JR would emphasize the fact that a certain wrestler who killed his family displayed a lack of “wasted motion” in the ring. I think that’s the angle for Truth/Kingston – “Team Wasted Motion”!
-However, I must admit to being worried this is all a setup for another Killings wellness policy suspension. Are we SURE these guys aren’t testing positive due to their interactions with Kofi?
-Finally – how did I not notice until last night that the Big Show’s entrance video package includes the hilarious phrase “Go Big or Get Lost”? WTF is THAT?!? Is that supposed to be Show’s catchphrase? Since he doesn’t actually use it as a catchphrase, is it supposed to be his motto or something? Does Big Show have a MOTTO, like the Marines or a pretentious East coast boarding school?
I watched SmackDown this morning and I can’t agree more. It only needed Funkasaurus at the beginning.
“So uh.. last night’s RAW… our bad.”
The only thing that stood out for me on Smackdown! was when Big Johnny threw his suit @ Teddy Long, I yelled “SUUIIITTT FIGHTTTT!!!!!”
Boy, WWF really banked on me being the idiot that I was back then in claiming Yoko was Japanese.
Also, I think Wade has officially become the Anti-Miz.
I wasn’t offended by the “slut” comments. Who cares if he called her a slut? Teenage girls do it to each other all the time. Hell, I’ve said it to my own mom. And “hoeski” is just downright funny. It’s like someone calling me a “cracker”. No weight to it.
Hercules (non-Hernandez Division) has a little message or three for you
So glad that it passes the “teenage girls do it” test. Next week, Cena will demonstrate to all the kids in the audience the benefits of starting ugly rumors about your “frenemies” and cutting yourself.
+1, JBShakes
+1000000 JBShakes.
When your daughter starts missing school because her former friends decide to call her a slut because they don’t like her anymore (for whatever reason eleven year olds decide someone isn’t cool anymore) and now she dreads going to school because nothing she does can make them stop, you’ll think twice about that ignorant comment.
Thanks, Funky & Book – and BY THE WAY, Edwin – you call your MOM a slut?
Not for nothing, man…but please go find somewhere else to read about wrestling.
Ok, we get it. You’re a vegan and you’re sensitive to everyone’s particular plights. Now will you stop beating us over the head with it every week? Cena doesn’t go over his main talking points this much
The great thing about this being my weekly column is that I get to write it. If you want show results with no personal perspective, there are an infinite amount of places to find that.
+1 B-Stro
But I actually enjoy reading the column and find it funny, when I don’t have to roll my eyes and skip over entire pages.
That’s your problem, friend, not mine.
The personal perspective makes the column better and more dimensional than just heavy breathing into a microphone shouting 3.5 stars out of 5. Back in the day Best and Worst was the only thing I ever read on AOL Fanhouse. I was sad when it just randomly disappeared, but I didn’t really know that much about it or about Brandon it was just a thing I read at work for a few minutes. Since moving to With Leather BnW has evolved and continues to improve each week
I don’t know if you’ll see that paragraph Brandon but you always clamor for validation and you should because you deserve it, you do great work
I find myself caught between a place where I want to go with the flow on what they are selling but I can’t suspend my disbelief that much. I think that the ladies won’t get a decent portrayal on RAW until VKM is six feet under and hoping for anything else is pissing in the wind. And even after that probably not because that leaves us with the dude who humped a dead Katie Vick in a Kane mask and made his fame pointing to his dick and screaming “Suck it!” Maybe ignorance is bliss. Maybe I should just want to live in a world full of Zeke bodyslams, Khali head chops and Santino Cobras and this last show I only got one out of those three and that is unacceptable.
Keep up the great work, Brandon and big props to Stinger for the great gifs.
#Hoeski
The latest on #BigJohnny watch… @WWERawGM
I don’t always agree with @CMPunk. But when I do, it’s probably about @chrisbrown.
<3
I love how the guy wearing the “Rise Above Hate” shirt, the poster boy for WWE’s involvement with an anti-hate, anti-bullying campaign, resorted to hatefully dressing down the girl who, outside of the ring, is known for being a major spokesperson for women’s rights and, like the guy, is one of the top spokespeople for the same anti-bullying campaign. That was pretty cool and well thought out. :/
This.
HOLY SHIT THAT’S BILL F’N ALFONSO REFFING THE YOKOZUNA/BUCK ZUMHOFE MATCH!!
Holy shit, 647 comments? Wicked.
Yeah, the Eve thing was just terrible. I still don’t get it really. It’s like they don’t watch their own show. The whole angle sucks and makes no sense, especially when it ended by Kane landed in the pillow factory, I mean hell, at EC. Ugh.
you think 647 is a lot you should come to the RAW live discussions. We’re getting closer and closer to 2000 during those.
I have to ultimately disagree, Brandon, about the first page. Eve specifically made a heel turn where she was gloating and laughing at Zack Ryders misery and pain. She not only gleefully exclaimed that she used Zack, but she exclaimed that she was going to use Cena.
This was not an instance of a good woman being assaulted with the slut speech…this was an evil woman who took perverse pleasure in causing pain. The crowd responded to Cena not because they thought Eve was a slut (though maybe some did) but because Cena made her look and feel like trash because she was ACTING like trash.
She hadn’t, though. She’d been heel for about 30 seconds, and Cena responded to one thing she said to the Bella Twins by throwing under under the bus. She didn’t do a single “trashy” thing. And, as has been pointed out over and over again, her using Zack or Cena to further her career has nothing to do with her being a skank or a ho, because she 1) didn’t sleep with Zack and 2) didn’t sleep with Cena. She lied to them, I guess, and that turned into “you’re a whore”.
To further this point… there’s been lots of instances where male wrestlers in a storyline turn have used or betrayed their fellow members of any given stable or tag team. Never, at any moment, were they subjected to that level of shaming or anything approaching it. Sure, they “went heel” but they were not somehow branded with a scarlet A and then written to cry about it because… well, I guess boys don’t cry.
I was sad reading this when you mentioned that you dont watch smackdown anymore. I immediately thought of Cody Rhodes going “The Big show chokeslamming someone? It must not be WrestleMania” and how no one should miss that
and oh ya excellent write up on the first page. It’s hard for me to see anyone as a heel if theyre laying in the ring crying. I just think wow Cena, you don’t have to like her anymore but you should probably stop yelling at her and instead use words to explain to her that you would prefer not to interact with her anymore. But then again if that happend I wouldnt be able to shout and make baseless speculations about women I know in real life or wear a shirt that says Skankopotamus
Thank you, Brandon, for expressing in a really eloquent way the discomfort I felt in watching that Eve segment.
It was horrible. And it, for me at least, makes me look at all the other stuff, like the way Vickie is treated, in a much more sinister light, because if Cena is the mouthpiece then you know this attitude permeates from the top…
…ok, I guess we knew that a long time ago. God I wish some other family ran the wwe.
Eve should just team up with the godfather, I remember everyone loved the hos on the HO TRAIN!
I am new to wrestling. My fiance grew up with it, and when I moved in with him last year he started watching it again, and in a delightful turn of events I not only watched but actually enjoyed it. We have a standing monday night Raw tv date, one that I bailed on within 5 minutes this week because, dear god, seriously. I can brush off Natalya farting as some sort of mass fever-dream, but now they are just stone cold teaching Little Jimmies to hate on female sexuality,
Ugh posted too soon. Anyway, def. not star behavior. And Brandon, I am glad you are making smart posts about this, because it does matter, maybe even slightly more than Otunga’s thermos. I hope that somehow I turn on my tv on Monday night and it is the glamazon vs. Kharma for 20 minutes of actual wrestling perfection, insteado of 2 minutes of flatulent bitches who love fun, but either way I will be reading the live thread so if my soul dies a little more, at least I know I am not suffering alone.
@Brandon – In regard to the pink shirt. You should check out the “Heels Wear Pink” shirt on this site. [barbershopwindow.com]
((I have a super long post, but in the interest of not taking over this thread, I’m only going to post the first and last paragraph and if you care to read it, you can go to my tumblr which is also booksavvy…))
First of all, great post Brandon. The reason many of us read this report instead of others is that we’re looking for a point of view besides the basic “let’s give a blow by blow of the matches and rate them.” What I come here for is to read another’s OPINIONS on the show: storylines, match set-ups, commentating, flow, etc. From day one, that’s what Brandon has given us, so anyone upset that he relates his personal views has been missing the point. Because that’s why we congregate on this forum: to share our personal takes on the show we’re watching, which is coming from our unique points of view and personal experiences. There are plenty of reports out there, so if you are looking for something different, that’s the beauty of the Internet. I’m sure it’s out there for you. I think this is an awesome little community where even when we don’t agree we can form coherent sentences to discuss and debate our positions. Which is why my tumblr post is so freaking long and I apologize for taking up so much space.
But the ladies get to have more than 140 characters this week ;)
*Fart!
No seriously though, great post!
“Go F myself.”
I had higher hopes for you.