Worst: John Cena Assures Us That Everything Is Fine

So in the last month or so, John Cena has watched Zack Ryder get his back broken, watched Eve get physically (?) and sexually (?) assaulted by Kane, been forced to save Eve from a kidnapping attempt, been forced to save Ryder from a literal descent into Christianity’s interpretation of Hell and just made out with his crippled friend’s dream girl in front of him. So what does he do?

He comes to the ring and talks about The Rock and Twitter in his best Southern accent. What the what?

This almost plays out like a parody of John Cena. I compared him to The Truman Show a lot over the Summer, but now he seems more like Truman’s wife, right on the cusp of having the audience find out what he’s really about all he can do is advertise Mococoa, all natural cocoa beans from the slopes of Mt. Nicaragua, no artificial sweeteners.

Best: Poor Little Zack Ryder And His Baby Crutches

I’ve often wondered if WWE writers know how pregnancy works (for example, if you are ever touched during pregnancy it causes a miscarriage) (spoiler: they have no f**king idea how it works), but now I’ve got to wonder if they know how ANYBODY’s body works.

Zack Ryder had a “broken back” that was downgraded to a herniated disc. So he comes to the ring in a wheelchair wearing a back and neck brace, but he’s also on CRUTCHES and can’t seem to straighten or properly use his legs (or decide which leg is the one he can’t bend like he’s Cindy Brady trying to get out of being the Fairy Princess). Also, his crutches aren’t tall enough so he has to hunch over to use them, which I’m pretty sure is the opposite of what you’re supposed to do when you break your back.

Oh, and he grimaces when he slaps Cena, but when Cena shoves him down hard ONTO HIS SPINE Ryder is all GET AWAY FROM ME and scoots backwards on his butt. And then he rolls out of the ring and hobbles away on his sad children’s crutches.

This is either some f**ked up secret message to the Make-A-Wish people or Zack Ryder thinks you have discs in your knee.

Best: Zack Ryder Gets Gowan’d

Up until last night, this was the most hilarious wheelchair disaster in WWE history:

And while Brock breaking a one-legged kid’s one leg in front of the kid’s mother, then shoving a handicapped one-legged kid down a flight of stairs might never be topped for pure dickhead ultraviolence, Zack Ryder suddenly getting wheeled off the stage to his f**king doom by Kane has got to be up there. Look at this:

ryder-wheelchair-death

They got some impromptu art direction out of Ryder’s headband flying off, too. Yeah, if at this point you’re still taking any aspect of the Kane/Cena/Ryder/Eve/Dwayne “Popular Movie Star Who Is Lucky He Never Shows Up And Has To Sell This Because Flying On Giant Bees Is More Realistic Than Kane’s Flambulance” Johnson love/hate pentagon you are … I don’t know what you are. I hope you’re five.

And speaking of people who are five

Best: Your Reaction To Raw, In a Nutshell

facetious-zack-ryder-kid

Best: John Cena Checking Out Eve’s Funeral Buttcrack

I don’t know if it was intentional, but if John Cena was noticing Eve’s butt cleavage and thinking “wow, actually I should probably try to stick Eve Torres” he is the greatest heel of all time. OF ALL TIME. The fact that Cena’s wife was blatantly mentioned on TV during his feud with CM Punk makes this even better. If he’s cheating on his wife AND ruining his best friend’s life AND doing it under the pretense of being the only guy cool enough to save a damsel in distress he is absof**kinglutely Captain Hammer and I love it.

Hopefully next week Ryder dies and returns to the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view with a sheet over his head. The “boo boo boo” jokes write themselves.