Best: Jennifer Hudson’s Whitney Houston Tribute At The Grammy Awards
This was great, right? But you know what was even better? The fact that Jennifer Hudson being at the Grammys means David Otunga is at the Grammys. And you know what’s even better than that?
Best: David Otunga’s Travel Thermos At The Grammy Awards
I don’t think I can best this enough. I wish they were my parents. I’d be born with a great voice and fastidiousness. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
#otungaswag
Worst: Anyway, Stop Having Fun And Let’s Talk About THIS BUSINESS
I have to give this a worst before I get into it, because at no point do I want two guys from the Attitude Era (who “grew up” in wrestling together according to the announcers, despite Michaels retiring what, four months into the original D-Generation X? What, did Triple H grow up with Rick Rude, too?) spending 20 minutes repeatedly reiterating how much better things were back then, and how wrestlers today are just broomstick pussies who don’t “leave it all in the ring”, as if that’s their choice and not a mandate from a publicly traded company.
I also didn’t like Undertaker being referred to as a “brand”, because he’s more or less the only wrestler left who exists outside of WWE’s “this part is fake but THIS PART IS REAL” nonsense and just possesses and embalms people. If he’s the last of a dying breed of anything it’s kayfabe, and you’re kinda f**king that up for him here by calling him a marketable character.
Anyway
Best: LOOK INTO MY EYES AND TELL ME ABOUT THIS BUSINESS
Regardless of the problems I had with the content, Shawn Michaels is better at WWE’s interpretation of drama than anyone in the f**king Earth and dragged the best promo in ten years out of Triple H.
Like always, it took them 25 minutes to say what they could’ve in 10, but I liked it. I like the idea that Triple H is scared to death of being the first guy to go up against the Undertaker three times at Wrestlemania and fail and has convinced himself, probably over the course of the entire year, that his excuses are real. That’s cool. I like that Michaels managed to call him a sellout who does Stephanie McMahon’s busy work without resorting to Punks Balls In Purse insults, and I like that Michaels, the guy who spends his free time dropping Showstopper elbows on cave bears at the Crossed Eyes Ranch, can be H’s friend and still have a legit beef with how he’s living his life.
Sometimes WWE gets the melodrama right. The Road To Wrestlemania could benefit more from explaining who these people are and why they’re doing what they’re doing, inside and out, than it could from one-or-more Elimination Chamber match. This is the stuff we’ll remember when we talk about it next year.
Worst: The Undertaker Is 17 Years Old And Totally Pissed
The Undertaker reacts to rejection by scrapbooking and rebelliously cutting his hair. If he locked his door and turned the Corporate Ministry theme up too loud he’d be every 17 year old girl I’ve ever known.
I am prepared to best this so f**king hard if he shows up as Booger Red next week. BOOGER RED OR WE RIOT.
Whoops: I Forgot This Match Existed
R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler wasn’t bad (and I loved the sit-ups into a small package finish), but I completely forgot about it when I wrote this report and had to find somewhere to tack it on when I was done. That’s not a good sign.
A lot of (pyro and) ballyhoo is made of “50/50 Booking”, wherein people who are feuding trade wins and losses and nobody really gets better or worse and everyone is the same when they’re done. Many critics say it’s a terrible idea and that nothing comes of it.
just uh, throwin’ that out there
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Brandon is Michael Tarver?
#HeadBlown
esoteric NXT jokes represent
Watching this reminded me of Skip Sheffield. I miss Skip Sheffield :(
TNSB – bad news, Skip is dead. Good news, he’ll be back as Blast Hardcheese come Wrestlemania!
Or Gristle McThornbody
In the span of two weeks, Jericho has gone from one of the most compelling reinventions of a character in wrestling history to a f**king reissue of Malibu Stacy: exactly like the old one, but with a new jacket.
best. thing. ever.
Also best thing ever:
The idea of a hemp WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP.
That so has to be done.
Seriously, David Otunga went from being my most hated wrestler to the absolute best part of the show. If they replaced Teddy Long with Otunga and his thermos, I’d watch Smackdown constantly.
Best thing about that scenario: Four guys in a ring just leads to some mediation and arbitration, not random-ass tag matches.
I would buy a “boo boo boo” sheet. All. Day. Long
You’re dead on, it killed me that Ryder didn’t bust out a sobbing “Are you serious, bro?” after the kiss. It would’ve been hilarious.
John Cena turning into Captain Hammer would be amazing. Zach Ryder as Moist also seems pretty damn apt.
So ‘Joshi’ is, like, a… thing? I always thought it was Yoshi’s (super mario’s buddy, not Tatsu) orthodox jew cousin.
man, I’m going to get so many hateful tweets and e-mails for having mentioned joshi in passing in one sentence
No hate implied my friend. I just feel (more) foolish for being 29, an avid WWE fan, and having multiple things go completely over my head reading this report.
First of all, I don’t think Kane went to a hospital. I think he went to a “Local Medical Center,” because that’s just how WWE rolls. Second, holy shit a Captain Hammer reference. I should have seen it coming, but it just totally blindsided me. Love it. And the Mr. Perfect holding the rope spot…classic. I’m shocked Ziggler hasn’t co-opted it, frankly.
I said it last night, but I’ll say it again. It’s going to be the highlight of my night to get home from work and read the crazy shit you guys write in the open threads. You’re all f**king amazing.
Be sure to respond with your own thoughts, too, Mr Username. It’d be an awfully selfish thing if you got to enjoy everyone here without giving us a chance to read how your insights.
Well, I think my Twitter is linked off my profile, and I’ll check in. These threads have become my crack, and I’m their Tammy Sytch. And Marty Jannetty. And early 90s Shawn Michaels. And Sean Waltman. And…ah, screw it, you get the idea.
I fell asleep and missed all the good stuff.
Regretting it.
I’ll admit it. Eve’s makeout party gave me a semi. Also, does this mean “john cena NOT gay”?
How dare you mention effective joshi highspots without linking to Kaoru’s valkyrie splash. HOW. DARE. YOU, Mr. Stroud.
First time trying to embed…if it doesn’t work this’ll be embarrassing.
Well, there goes that. Ah well. Here’s your link for everyone else to enjoy.
[www.youtube.com]
But why didn’t she booty-pop first? I’m so confused….
Those two pages focused on just Cena/Eve/Ryder/Kane were some of the funniest B&W items written here. Seriously. So good.
…which is why i want that storyline to NEVER END, EVER. Just keep ramping it up.
Obligatory comment.
I still enjoy Jericho, but that probably has a lot to do with the fact that I wasn’t watching during his last heel run.
I also still enjoy The Miz, and unabashedly. Every wrestling promotion needs a guy who’s cocky as hell but middling in the ring telling you that he’s the best thing that ever happened and really truly actually believing it, regardless of how slow he talks or how much Ziggler deserves every bit of push Miz gets.
Was LOL’ing throughout another great review, however, I must petulantly still be angry about something I was angry about last night:
YES, the Cole “I love Daniel Bryan!/Daniel Bryan is Hitler’s testicle!” thing is awesome. HOWEVER, way-too-anal viewers like myself may have noticed that Cole f’d it up and just forgot about that for a while. AFTER Bryan ran away, jumped in the ring, knocked out whoever-it-was-I-don’t-care with the belt and the ref called for the bell, Lawler said something dumb, and then Cole went “He can do whatever he wants! He’s the world heavyweight champion!”
See, Cole is too stupid to follow even that incredibly basic script – when he isn’t right there, you hate him – without senile old Vince yelling in his hear when he has to change modes like your partner begging you to tag him in while playing Donkey Kong Country. It’s a good character trait, but give Cole NO CREDIT FOR IT. Because he’s too stupid to handle it without someone holding his hand.
Totally with you on Jericho. Wasn’t around for his last run so he’s not bugging me at all right now.
Once, again, great work Brandon. The whole analysis of the Cena/Ryder angle had me rolling on the floor, especially the discussion of John Cena’s Captain Hammerness.
Also, Dolph Ziggler’s reactions to anything are just a permabest for me.
But, gotta disagree with you on the Michaels/Triple H segment. It was better than Trips’ usual stuff thanks to Shawn being, as you said, great at selling emotional stories. But, I just can’t enjoy it while this plot refuses to acknowledge that HHH LOST to Taker. It wasn’t a Last Man Standing Match, so it doesn’t matter whether he couldn’t leave the ring under his power, guys(WWE). To me, it’s the classic WWE history reduxing where everyone cool was everything sunny all the time always.
Having got that rant off my chest, my other complaint is that I would rather see Bryan ferried into the arena on a cotton deckchair, claiming that he is more vegan than anyone else alive.
One last point: I personally think that although Jericho is just acting as a redux of his last run, that character is still one of my favourite characters of all time, so I still will get some enjoyment out of it.
Said this last night, but I have so missed both ‘ASK HIM, REF’ and the head-slap.
Cena: “But this…. is not the Attitude Adjustment.”
(Cena leaves camera frame as Zack Ryder stares confusedly)
Cena (enters): The Attitude Adjustment is my penis.
You sir, are a mighty hammer of justice.
Does this mean Kane is Bad Horse?
This is my new theory: whenever Cena is proclaiming that he will rise above hate and stay true to himself that he’s talking to the WWE writers room and not the fans. He is actually doing a shoot promo and refusing to read the heel scripts they’ve been writing for months. Perhaps he got confused by CM Punk last summer and has just gone completely off message. WWE just can’t discipline him for his insubordination because of their convoluted corporate structure where the Interim Raw GM has to report to the COO (that the GM fired), who is the CEO’s son-in-law, all while the Board is busy sending carrier pigeons to David Otunga. This will somehow be sorted out with boots to asses.
sounds legit.
“This will somehow be sorted out with boots to asses.”
*snort*
Awesome.
Otunga was wearing the EXACT same clothes in that Grammy photo that he wore last night. I can’t explain precisely why that’s awesome but I’m certain it is.
The Cena-Ryder-Eve thing was maybe the most entertaining thing ever. Terribly stupid, but I honestly caught myself watching it with this slack-jawed smile on my face because it was so goddamn ridiculous that I loved every second. That said, Cena basically said before Ryder came out that Kane’s plan was a good one and it worked the way he wanted it to. This would require all of the following to be true:
- After the show went off last week, Kane stood up while Eve was fake crying, said “See ya next week!” and just left.
- This week, he went through the trouble of renting an ambulance just so Eve could escape it when, given how last week must have ended, maybe Eve shouldn’t be all that scared of him.
- “Embrace the Hate” really meant “Catch this girl with her rack hanging out all over the place, then ponder The Rock and social media”
That was a terrible plan.
Zack Ryder just can’t seem to catch a break. He’s the Nordberg of the wrestling world.
Let Zack Ryder by a lesson young guys: Never EVER get over on your own.
Only one thing I was hoping to see in regards to Cena’s in-ring comments (and I realize you can;t get to everything). He said something about how Kane thinks if he pushes the right buttons, Cena will eventually snap. Then Cena tried to convince us that’s not what he does… except it’s EXACTLY what he does. He went nuts on Nexus, he goes nuts on Kane. He destroyed Jack Swagger just because he was pissed about what happened to Ryder. Cena NEVER rises above hate. Fans just cheer him because the people he hates are the people they hate. I know this is super obvious to everyone who reads this report, I just for some reason wanted to go on the record. Also, there should be transcripts of these speeches somewhere so I don;t have to watch the videos repeatedly.
The only difference between a face and a heel in the WWE is the music and style of video packages used. I’m serious.
Correct, THESTINGER. John Cena is an unstoppable, unfeeling juggernaut who constantly goes above and beyond “beating a guy in a wrestling match” to irrationally destroy anyone who slights him in the least. Randy Orton is a psychopath with a mental illness who gets cheered as he RKOs everyone in his general vicinity. (For reference: Smackdown a few weeks back, when Peanuthead sent out Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Trent Baretta and the Usos to separate Orton and Wade Barrett. They all received RKOs for listening to their general manager and doing their job.) CM Punk is somehow a bigger dick than he was in the Straight Edge Society, only he talks about booze less and doesn’t have Serena Deeb.
There’s not a morally praiseworthy character among them. Kofi’s the only one you’d want as a role model for your kid and doesn’t even have a fucking personality.
Aude, I don’t know about Kofi being a role model. He used to hang out with an unsavory crowd of drug addicts. Besides, he’s got a personality, it’s ‘smiles’, right?
Isn’t Kofi some dude from Ghana who came to the US to go to a really good college? Or am I thinking of someone else?
If so, they totally missed an opportunity for him to just show off how intelligent he is.
I think he went to Boston College. I don’t know if that fits your definition of a good school or not.
But, yeah, have him and Ziggler (Kent State, Ohio, where, in case you weren’t aware, there are four dead) show off their college educations.
As a Kent State graduate, I’m not sure if that’s something to brag about.
Not bragging, just paraphrasing Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. And their song is all thanks to Tricky Dick Nixon being a diabolical, dick-shrinking mastermind. Black Dynamite was a documentary, right?
Another bang-up job as usual Brandon. I tell all of my friends that have even a passing interest in wrestling to read your report, because it’s such an honest, yet hilarious point of view on wrestling.
Page six has got to be the greatest fucking thing I have ever read.
Co-sign
Wait till you get to page 7
That debate was the funniest wrestling moment I have seen that did not involve Derrick Bateman. Ziggler and Truth made that segment. It was so good, even Punk’s “I’m cooler than you and all of this” attitude and Miz’s existence couldn’t bring it down.
CM Punk deserves a Best for wrestling well. Right now in the WWE, not too many people do, and while it became common for him, he still deserves a nod. Yesterday night, his match was the only one (I said match) captivating, which is quite a big deal.
This is true. No matter how complacent things have gotten on the mic now that he’s champ, CM Punk puts on a good match. I’m telling you, folks, he’s got to drop the title in the Elimination Chamber so we can get underdog Punk back and the stars will align once more.
The Chuck Palumbo is still cracking me up.
The strange thing is an e-fed friend of mine (I know, NEEEERRRD!) ran a scenario in EWR (DOUBLE NEEERRRD!) and had Chuck Palumbo doing that in XPW (Among other bizarre things). His finisher was even renamed to “One More Thing”
(Wow, I bet people will be really impressed with my story about I guy I knew doing a thing in a computer game!)
Fantastic as always Brandon.
The way I’m looking at the whole Cena/Ryder thing, I mean, it’s the WWE, they have way bigger audiences than us to please, so we are always, ALWAYS going to have to put with silly nonsense. So at least with the way this whole angle is going, its completely unintentionally hilarious, rather than just stupid, embarrassing and downright infuriating. I’ll take this over the Kane-Cena-backstage-brawl-then-Kane-disappears-because he’s a fucking wizard or something I don’t know. Last night was the first time I laughed at Raw for more reasons than you guys all saying hilarious things. You guys were on FIRE last night though.
“How does it hurt that you’re gently lying your body across mine?”
I didn’t know that Robert Smith was filling in this week.
Thank you for proving that I wasn’t the only person laughing my ass off at the whole Cena/Kane/Eve/Ryder mess. Just died over the whole thing. I’ll be at Raw next Monday and if Zack Ryder DOES show up as a ghost, I will lose it. And regarding CM Punk, I have been a fan of his FOREVER. I’ve been following him since his Steel Domain Wrestling days. Used to make my monthly visit to the West Saint Paul Armory to watch him wrestle Ace Steel and Lenny Lane and to see where he’s at now just pisses me off. And can we just give Uncle Ronnie his own show? He’s a frakking hoot.
“The Undertaker reacts to rejection by scrapbooking and rebelliously cutting his hair. If he locked his door and turned the Corporate Ministry theme up too loud he’d be every 17 year old girl I’ve ever known.”
Thank you for the only good laugh I’ve had today. I needed it. :)
Once again you make Raw amusing. I didn’t think it was possible after that mess last night. I think that all of us commenters are damn funny and help each other get through the nonsense.
It’s nice of you to try to put over the other, inferior Best/Worst articles that we all know will never actually make it. It’s like that time Trips let Taka Michinoku get in 2 minutes of offense.
“The Undertaker reacts to rejection by scrapbooking and rebelliously cutting his hair. If he locked his door and turned the Corporate Ministry theme up too loud he’d be every 17 year old girl I’ve ever known.”
Hahaha that is amazing. Also amazing, Kane’s sad “WHERE TO, EVE”.
I had to leave towards the end of Raw so I totally missed wheelchair drama hour. Holy freakin’ crap. I… I just don’t even know what to say. Trotting out Eve to hit her mark and look sad while they once again strap Zack Ryder on to something and … yeah. You have to end the show there. Drop the mic, Sexual Chocolate, and just walk off stage.
I’ve spent the last three years skulking around the UPROXX network and this is the article that finally pushed me to register. The mental image of Kane with his head down on the steering wheel in defeat forced me to duck under my desk at work and pretend to tie my shoes in order to stifle my laughter. Reading the live RAW comments has become a regular part of my Tuesday mornings and the B&W rounds out the day nicely. Kudos Brandon.
Please join the open discussion threads on Monday so we can Ham it up. Except in March when I’ll be too busy playing Mass Effect 3 nonstop whilst wearing a diaper so I don’t have to pause to use the bathroom. Respect.
With Pleather
Between HHH ripping off his tie and looking MUCHO MACHO and the whole Cena/Ryder/Eve/Kane business, this is Telemundo for Rednecks and it’s RAD.
I’m now going to adopt the “maybe he’ll win by accident” thing into my everyday wrestling fandom. Thank you.
How far away could that ambulance have really been from where Cena and Josh Matthews were talking? 15, 20 yards tops? If Eve hadn’t screamed I’m convinced Cena would have missed the whole thing.
When has any wrestler ever displayed an ounce of situational awareness, though?
@ 85: wrestlers tend to score bad on protective instincts tests
@ Lobster Mobster:
1. The time at Money in the Bank when Punk kicked del Rio in the face and escaped with the belt
2. There is no #2.
Page 6 of this review was just hilarious. Can’t wait for my brother to get home so he can read that, yes my life is sad.
You missed a best, Brandon! Dolph telling Punk the time wasted on his cheering counts towards his allotted time is a best. Also, a best to Punk for mentioned worn-out knees in Big Johnny’s slacks and not going where I think a lot of people thought he was going.
Question time! Worse top rope tribute: Tamina’s Superfly Splash or Punk’s Macho Elbow?
They’re both pretty bad. Gonna go with Punk’s elbow, because it’s expected to be a cool thing.
Punk’s elbow because he doesn’t exactly turn into it like Savage did. When Mach hit that, you knew the guy was done. Punk’s you sort of go, “Yeah, he’s really hurt by you cracking your own hip on the mat guy.”
As a mother canucker, I am thrilled that I am now able to watch the youtube videos you post in the B&W pages. So. thank you.
The whole backstage segment of eve/cena/ryder had me in absolute hysterics.
I still cant stand her, but eve is starting to become a complex character. A positive step for the divas and breaking out of their two generic roles
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It slightly ensaddens me that several of my comments were spot on with Brandon’s observations, yet I still haven’t managed to crack the top 10. Oh well, better luck next time.
It also might help if I can figure out how to not post comments as replies for like twenty minutes straight on a comment that took place hours ago. I’m bad at internetting, basically.
Brandon, thank you for this. I missed the first half of the show and was sort of not paying attention to the last half (I hate the Horror Movie stuff because I like real horror movies, and it feels too goddamn awful to watch).
I checked out the open forum today and saw a bunch of people calling Cena out for throwing up the Shit Got Real X, but no mention of it here. Any idea what was up with that?
What I really wanted to see was Orton call Show an idiot, only to have Big Show remember he’s a goddamn mutant and just bear hug Randy into unconsciousness, for real.
/Missing the Labor Union of characters I like, because the show is full-focused on characters that aren’t popping for me.
Not sure if funniest B&WoR or funniest RAW. I suppose they are congruent. Great work, B-Stro.
I’ll be rooting for Wired Haired Dachshund for Best In Show tonight. #RealTalk
If Anarchy Championship Wrestling ever gives Brandon a talk show, it needs to be called”Brandon’s B-Stro.”
His signature weapon must also be a panini press.
I tried thinking of something witty to write in the comments, but I’m pretty sure I just sat here at the keyboard for five minutes with a MAEKING POOPIEZ face from straining my brain.
Hilarious read as always, Brandon. Thank you for making things that make no sense sort of make sense.
I would take a wheelchair suicide dive for Eve, my bro…wait, scratch that. I would wheelchair suicide dive into Eve’s butt crack. True story. #RiseAboveTaint
“…I like that Michaels, the guy who spends his free time dropping Showstopper elbows on cave bears at the Crossed Eyes Ranch.”
Is the best thing ever written n the internet.
Man…that gif of the pan to Ryder will have me cracking up for weeks. I love the idea that he’s rolling himself around backstage, balancing the crutches, flowers and chocolates at the same time.
Funniest Best and Worst I’ve read yet. I also love how you listed yourself before Michael Tarver on the list of Clevelanders.
I just recently discovered how awesome this is. Thank you Brandon, all the thank yous. Also, did you guys know that in the Elimination Chamber, opponents can be eliminated by pinfall OR SUBMISSION?!
/throws darts at jerry lawler shaped dart board
I sometimes wonder why they did not just pre-record backstage segments in the event of “bad acting” or screw-ups (i.e the pre-recorded Carl Edwards segment). After Kane’s production paper poke of DOOM and its greatness, I will never wonder such silly thoughts again.
I’m still in awe that HHH had a logical, legit reason for not wrestling Taker once again, he wants the money a legendary, undefeated Undertaker will make for WWE in merchandise, when he inherits the company… :)
SANTINO IS GOING TO THE ELIMINATION PAYPERVIEW. shaddapayourface
hopefully his bad breath doesn’t fog up his chamber pod am i right you guys
Halitosis In A Cell?
(fart noise)
I think Alex Riley has a good joke about that
I love these best and worst. I quit watching wrestling a few years back, but with these, i find my self stopping and watching and seeing what will be on the Best and Worst….i don’t know if i should shake your hand or be totally upset with you, when i meet you, for getting me back into wrestling
#HootsToAsses
[www.theplayingfieldblog.com]
Hey Brando, how does one post an image directly into the comments section?
As I think I’ve mentioned, I’m currently only watching the 2nd hour of RAW during “Smash” commercial breaks (of course the first TV show my wife really likes in years is on Mondays at 10), so I only caught the Cena promo and “Mr. Broski’s Wild Ride” portion of the closing segment live, but now that I’ve had a chance to go back and watch the “Cena/Eve kiss – slow pan to guy in wheelchair looking sad” moment:
Oh. My. God. Ohmygod yes to this – this is the Bestest Best that ever Bested. I’ve never wanted a sad trombone so much in my life.
The Funkasaurus is dead. Long live the Funkasaurus.
Never forget.
Note: The Funkasaurus died on the way back to his home planet of Planet Funk.
Can we have a funkasaurus memorial service?
He was constantly asking for help. But nobody called his mama.
I’d like to file a complaint: Somehow I don’t have the Poopiez badge on my profile despite commenting in the thread that spawned it. I want people to know I’m a Bester and Worster, a poopiez maeker.
I think you had to post a certain number of times before you got the poopies badge.
If Cena was so sorry, why did he take off his shirt? Isn’t that supposed to be an aggressive thing in WWE? This episode was so badly written/performed that.. I enjoyed it.
Having just watched this week’s NXT, Regal and Kaitlyn should do commentary every week. Their back and forth was pretty awesome
“I like that Michaels, the guy who spends his free time dropping Showstopper elbows on cave bears at the Crossed Eyes Ranch”
LMAO. Best. Quote. Ever.
All of Page 6 had me dying of laughter! Great stuff!
Ryder looked like he was auditioning to be Glenn in a remake of “Raising Arizona”
Finally you’re started to see what i’m talking about when i say R-Truth needs that push! Every damn week hes Random and Funny as fuck at the same time! And if WWE history repeats itself we all know Random and Funny wrestlers turn out to be Great Entertainers. IDK That’s my dude ever since he stopped rapping on his entrances!
Little late to the party, but anyway, here’s what I would do with D-Bry:
1) Hold onto the WHC until Mania. Somehow retain through very slimeball ways of trickery against Sheamus. First Rumble winner to NOT win a Title at Mania in a few years. D-Bry gets some more heat on him. People want to see Sheamus get it off him now a little more (realistically anyway).
2) Next night on RAW proclaims due to new contractual loopholes instated the last time an event like he’s about to do happened, he had to wait 4 months before he could do this. Says, “As a Vegan, which means I’m better than you, I don’t eat meat and I don’t kill poor helpless creatures and cram their dead carcases down my throat so I can feel manlier. I’ve done nothing but try to give you all a role model you can model yourself after to get fitter, healthier and just plain better. But you’re all stuck in your olds horrible habits and ways. Ways like this WHC belt made of leather. So I’m going to change that!”
3) D-Bry proceeds to “trash” the belt and reveals some kind of ridiculous and absurd new variation like a golden crown with “WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION” scrolled across the front of it. This is our new SD! Title. Cue Sheamus coming out and saying D-Bry is making a mockery of a prestigious Title. Cue Teddy Long “holla holla holla-ing” his way into making Daniel Bryan Vs. Sheamus at the next PPV for the WHC.
4) Sheamus ends up winning the WHC and we now get a 4 month affair of Daniel Bryan chasing after the WHC of Sheamus’. Why? Because after 4 months, Sheamus clearly lays out to D-Bry that he’s changing it back to the belt and there’s nothing he can do about it.
5) Sheamus ends up retaining the Title 3/4 of those months with D-Bry trying more and more underhanded shenanigans to get it back before Sheamus can change it at the end of the contractual time limit.
6) In the end on that fateful PPV night, Sheamus Vs. D-Bry w/ some sort of Stipulation (maybe Iron Man Match?)., Daniel Bryan ends up winning the Title back through a very, very clever and dickish ploy like throwing AJ into Sheamus’ Kick who narrowly stops before connecting. Turns, and D-Bry gets him in the LaBelle for the win at the buzzer.
All hope seems now lost, after our 4 month adventure of hoping Sheamus can retain the Title long enough to make us actually CARE about it, D-Bry has “won” and keeps the Title as the shitty crown… until! Somehow the referee realizes that AJ was used as a “foreign object” by D-Bry (just to WTF people), and continues the match. Sheamus ends up winning and the next SD! show Sheamus reverts it back to the WHC Belt.
What does this all accomplish?
+ Sheamus goes over as the Mega Hero people WANT and NEED to succeed so the WHC Crown can go back to the Belt.
+ Daniel Bryan goes over as the absurd Supervillain that nobody wants to win and hates now.
+ Makes people actually care and invest ourselves back into a Championship.
+ Puts two solid future guys over for the future and makes them “go-to” guys for Smackdown!
Also, I forgot to add…
+ Daniel Bryan gets to use the “I’m a Vegan and that makes me better than you!” line with some very coherent, logical sense.
First time poster – lately I feel like the only reason I watch Raw is to read this after, lol.
If it hasn’t been pointed out yet – I’ve got a herniated and a ruptured disc in my back and before my surgery I walked EXACTLY like the Broski did – Sciatica is super common with disc injuries and can totally even switch legs in the middle of walking. The stupid harness he was wearing is bullshit though, lol.
LOVE the idea with the Dragon and the hemp or pleather strap, that’s insanely funny.