john-cena-2007

Worst: There Is Literally Zero Difference Between 2012 John Cena And 2007 John Cena

2007 John Cena

- wears camo
- is WWE Champion all the time
- uses “My Time Is Now” by John Cena as his entrance theme
- uses the FU and the STFU as finishing moves
- handles his stressful situations by giving goofy interviews backstage where he starts off in one voice AN THEN GETS KOO-RAY-ZAY ABOUT IT and SAYS WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING BUT WAIT and then gets serious again right at the end

2012 John Cena

- wears camo
- is WWE Champion all the time
- uses “My Time Is Now” by John Cena as his entrance theme
- uses the Attitude Adjustment and the STF as finishers, but they’re the same thing
- handles his stressful situations by giving goofy interviews in the ring where he starts off in one voice AN THEN GETS KOO-RAY-ZAY ABOUT IT and SAYS WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING BUT WAIT and then gets serious again right at the end

The only difference in five years is the location of his loudmouth explanations. And Twitter. Now he passive-aggressively bitches at people on Twitter. That’s it! The next time you have to come up with a reason why you don’t want to see Cena do something, don’t copycat the Rock and say he’s a “phony”, because he’s not. Don’t call him a gay faggot baby girl who eats Fruity Pebbles, bring up the fact that he has not changed even 1% in five years.

Hell, even Hogan broke out the fist helmet after a while.

Best: The Pit Of Dangerrr

I am still mad that Batista was terrible for like six years, then got SUPER UNBELIEVABLY GREAT and immediately left forever. Condescending Sunglasses Batista Who Is In This To Make Money is the kingsh*t of f**k mountain.

However, his appearance in this show’s main event allows me a soapbox from which to bring up something about him that’s always bothered me… his entrance theme, “I Walk Alone”. The opening lines are:

“I’ve walked for miles inside this pit of danger!”

It always bugged me. Aren’t pits measured in depth, not length? Are you sure you aren’t walking around inside the Trench of Danger?

Best: This Is One Of The Best Main Events In The History Of Raw

That’s the best way to describe this show’s main… the two main events for Wrestlemania 23 have been set as John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels and Batista vs. The Undertaker, so in true How Smackdown Works tradition, the Wrestlemania opponents are asked to team up and tag against each other.

It’s odd to see a WWE pay-per-view headlined by a tag team match with no implications and nothing on the line, and it’s even more odd to hear them talk about how this is the BIGGEST MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF WWE when they do a tag match like this every week and have DONE tag matches like this every week for at LEAST the last what, 15 years?

At the same time, it’s a really good tag match. They build up the CAN WE TRUST EACH OTHER NO WE CAN’T GET READY thing the entire show, but the wrestling gets rolling and you eventually forget about it, so when Batista catches the Undertaker with a spinebuster out of nowhere and costs him the match it works. It sets up Batista/Taker at Mania for the title, the streak and more, instead of saying f**k it to anything un-streak related like they’ve done lately. It’s good. It’s not the Biggest Match in the history of anything, but it’s good.

Best: Michaels/Taker Is Always A Good Decision

Shawn and the Undertaker had two of the best big leagues matches of all time at consecutive Wrestlesmania (shut up, hater), but my favorite encounter is still the end of 2007′s Royal Rumble, which more or less set it up. It worked as epic because all you had to do to lose was fall down. Anybody can fall down, right?

So seeing them go at it here, two-ish years before they’d take it to the Most Grandfatherly Stage We Can Think Of, is cool. Cena and Batista look better for it, and if Triple H wants to play the “last of a dying breed” angle on Raw, he should consider addressing the fact that the breed about to die would’ve had more time to each had they not scooped out the larvae and smashed it with a f**king sledgehammer.

Worst: Why Hasn’t Taker Vs. Cena At Mania Happened Yet?

And that’s the big question with which we’re left … if you want true drama as it relates to the Undertaker, you can’t give us a match we can predict. You can’t give us Taker vs. Triple H 3, with branding and THIS BUSINESS on the line. You have to put the unstoppable force against the immovable object. You have to give us Wrestlemania Super Perfect Undertaker against John Cena, the guy who never gives up and Can Not Lose.

We get a taste of that here. Shawn takes out Taker with a superkick, but Cena has to make sure to get in a fireman’s carry before they win. That’s Cena. The guy who takes it too far and leaps like a dog for glory. The guy we hate SO MUCH even when we support him because he’s on a different level and is a murderous preprogrammed robot thing from space. Undertaker at Wrestlemania doesn’t consider that he could be defeated. Somebody screams and their hair turns blonde. It’s perfect.

Either that, or bring back Ashley Massaro. One or the other.