Best: Come Say Hi To Me At Mania
The normal Best And Worst of WWE Raw column resumes tomorrow (and be sure to stop by for the Raw open discussion thread later on tonight), but this will be my last pay-per-view Best And Worst until whatever it is they’re calling Backlash these days.
The reason why is because I will be LIVE at Wrestlemania in Miami, so if you’re a regular reader of the column, popular celebrity or Guy Who Writes Somewhere Else And Wants To Network, make sure you find me at some point over the weekend and say hi. I’m tentatively planning a Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania Live Experience for later that week (and I should be back in Austin in time to catch a replay of Raw for the report on Tuesday the 2nd), but the most important thing is that you say hi to me. I’m a writer, we need constant validation.
Worst?: I Need Someone To Fill In For Me On That Show
Oh, and before I forget, this is your chance to fill some big shoes.
I’m going to need a fill-in for a Best And Worst of Wrestlemania report that Monday, and with all the major wrestling writing guys who watch WWE I know being at Mania (John from The John Report, the Masked Man from Grantland, Burnsy even, probably Seanbaby I’m guessing? Oh man, I don’t know if I want a mark photo with Seanbaby or if I want to punch him in the dick) I’m opening the floor for submissions. Shoot me a line at infernaldinosaur@gmail.com and let me know your deal.
Anyway, onto the funniest part of this whole report:
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
… as collected from last night’s Elimination Chamber Open Discussion Thread, featuring the best and funniest wrestling fans on the Internet. Sorry I wasn’t around, I was busy in San Antonio watching Rachel Summerlyn and Mia Yim do yoga in yoga pants-themed tag match. Always a good decision.
dRail, with the new best reference ever:
Wade Barrett: Fighting the Frizzies at 11
Thornus (they don’t):
I thought chair shots to the head were illegal in the WWE now! Or do wheelchairs not count as chairs?
WilliamBatts:
I am an Athletic Trainer and after I tape ankles I now do the Daniel Bryan “YES YES YES” after every ankle. People hate me
LastTexansFan. It’s true, and if you play as Zeke and are Brandon you can only do bodyslams.
I heard on WWE ’12 if you play as the Great Khali you can only press the punch button.
brianjodoin:
they should get Big Zeke in that gym cause he will body slam all of the weights at once.
Juby14:
Was “Hip Flexor” on Booker T’s injury a day calendar for today?
Tobogganing Bear, who is starting to border on some lifetime achievement:
Big Show looks and sounds like he’s been stung by giant bees.
Bogey Orangutan, because sometimes I’m obvious (and Tamina is totally a Redguard):
Beth’s circlet gives her 60 extra Magicka points.
FunkyWarmMedina, thinking what I’m thinking:
I’d love it if they had to go into a pod after elimination.
Oops Pow Surprise, with a comment made even better by their username:
The celebration soon turned to tragedy when the ambulance, on its way out of the arena, plowed over an unsuspecting Zack Ryder.
That’s it. See you guys tonight, tomorrow, next week-ish for a few weeks and hopefully at Mania. /eliminated
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Back in the top ten!!
my first time! which is pretty good considering I was barely paying attention last night. But i should have known Brandon’s weakness for Big Zeke bodyslam jokes would come through for me
Quickest way to Brandon’s heart = Simpsons jokes and Zeke body slam jokes. It’s science.
RumHam is 100% correct here
(second quickest way is Hayley from Paramore gifs)
Hayley +2
This night job is sorely interfering with my ability to post and respond to witty comments with you guys.
Brandon, I know you were still stroking out from the Natalya farting thing, but Teddy Long pretty much telling Vickie to shut her mouth because she’s ugly would get 1000 Worsts from me.
just an idea.. but what if like, a group of commenters split MANIA into hour sections to write about. While they would be talking about different things from the night, it’d give a few different views of the product at the same time.
“Smugging” is a term I’ll be using (stealing?) heavily for years to come.
As your resident Librarian, I will be placing the .gif of Dolph Ziggler on file at my public library location. To view it, find me and ask to see video of Dolph Ziggler dying. Bonus points if you’re wearing a Hashtag Heel shirt.
Sheamus let me down… I was sure he was going to be the “Point at the ‘Mania Sign Guy” for the duration of the Road to Wrestlemania… Cena, why you gotta steal the Clear Man’s gimmick?
This-> [26.media.tumblr.com] is officially a thing. I did not make it, I just love it. Otungabomb.
When I read the results this morning, I thought they’d posted the matches in reverse order. What the shit.
Having not watched the show, I will just assume that all of Brandon’s opinions are 100% accurate and make them my own. But I will say that I absolutely love the addition of Swagger vs. Whoever That Was, as it hearkens back to the days when just about every WWF PPV would have some pointless nonsense thrown on in the middle for absolutely no reason other than to make the show go approximately 2:40. I was watching Royal Rumble ’91 last month, and right after The Ultimate Warrior lost the freaking title, The Mountie fought Koko B. Ware. This is how things should always be.
I thought the backstory to that was Koko trying to smuggle coke into Canada in Frankie’s stomach?
Wait wait wait… Koko B. Ware was a veiled reference to Freeway Ricky?
“a zero-gravity Parkinson’s clown” – LOL wut?
“There is a very specific kind of wrestling fan who marks out every single time Jericho elevates his Boston crab into the Lion Tamer Classic. I’m one of those people.” – THIS +10000
“Cody spams the Beautiful Disaster kick like I might in a video game” – This is my favorite non Signature or Finisher move in the whole damn game.
“F**k The Rock, he doesn’t even know who Randy Orton is.” – I wish I didn’t know who he was either.
Great write up of and good-not-great PPV, B-Stro!
Cena has become Brick Tamland. A litany of severe events occur, and instead of reacting with emotional rationality he reacts with LOOK AT ME I’M JOHN CENA and hams it up for the camera.
perfect analogy.
Otunga for God-Emperor.
seconded (God-Emperor-Attorney at least)
Let THESTINGER have a shot! Also, mark out and have your photo taken with Seanbaby after punching him in the dick for making an Aquaman reference for the eight billionth fucking time among various other deserved reasons. How old is that guy now? Near 40? Still rocking the same juvenile shit.
Seconded on both counts
Wow, thanks for that! I liked brian’s idea down below and I think if we could create a crack team of people here to work on a ‘Mania report that it could be amazing.
Also, man, I remember being 14 in 1997 and thinking Seanbaby and Duke Nukem were the coolest things in the world. I just looked at his sight and he’s like a dude in his 40s with green hair. It’s kind of sad :(
Just made this point up the thread but I’m all for THESTINGER doing the Wrestlemania Best/Worst.
Seanbaby has been milking the fucking 80s since the 90s. I get it, the 80s was a funny decade with some ridiculous shit, but what decade isn’t like that? In five more years he’s going to trade in his job at Cracked for some Cialis and Statin medication because no one told him that a strong sense of irony and hair dye doesn’t halt old age and bloating.
Seanbaby is one of the select few Guys On The Internet I liked who treated me like total dogshit when I tried to e-mail or talk to them online. CRZ is another one.
I always thought Seanbaby was funny until I realized he was kind of just a dick and he never grew into anything more than what he was 12 hears ago. I had good results with Zimmerman, but I can’t remember if his Raw writeups were good or I just have nostalgia. Also, I always assumed he was the wrestling version of the Comic Book Guy. Is he still alive? Is /wrestling even still around?
I absolutely think they should make Santino a thing, if only because it’s something new and different.
Dude, how could you miss the best best of all, Eugene’s entrance music during the Santino segments?
I dunno. It may seem based on last night that Santino is a “thing”, but it reminded me of old ECW, when Stevie Richards was heading up the Blue World Order and the crowd booed when he was eliminated first in a three-way dance with Terry Funk and the Sandman. He was big in the moment and then went back to being a novelty act. I think we’ll see the same thing with Santino.
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES TOP 10!
Ahem, yes excuse me, I mean Oh,how about that I made the top 10. That’s nice.
[i88.photobucket.com]
I had the exact same reaction when I saw my comment made top 10.
Holy shit what is that gif from? Did Miz’s cock fall out of his trunks or something?
My opinions on PPV’s usually change after I’ve had time to stew on them for a day but I’m pretty much feeling the same way today I did last night:
1.) The Smackdown match ruled
2.) The Divas match was great and I love Beth Phoenix when she’s allowed to be what she should be, which is a dominate, cocky, boss of a heel.
3.) I thoroughly enjoyed the Raw match but the Jericho “injury” killed the flow and momentum.
4.) The less said about Cena/Kane the better.
As far as a fill in for Wrestlemania, I would hereby like to nominate either THESTINGER (most insightful commentator) or Tobogganing Bear (easily our funniest, and entirely deserving of a lifetime achievement badge). I would happily read anything you guys wrote.
Thanks as always, Brandon.
You wouldn’t be a bad Best & Worst determiner yourself, RumHam.
Well thank you sir. Also, thank you for making me snarf wine last night.
it was lame to have cena/kane go last but unsurprising.
and i still cant get over barrett just slamming that door into bryan’s fucking skull last night
Nobody Boston Crab’d like Rick Martel. NOBODY!
/sprays “Arrogance” in Brandon’s face
Followed by hilariously awful “medical center” vignettes wherein it is revealed that Brandon no longer has an iris or pupil in his eyes, and building to a blindfold match between you where you both grope aimlessly for 10 minutes despite the fact that everyone can see that the hoods are gimmicked.
Inoki > Rick Martel
they clearly do not want Cena as the heel so I’m curious as to if/how they make Ryder the heel.
Well the trend lately seems to be that the heels are the ones that have all the good points, motivations, and actually legitimate reasons for being upset, so it should work out fairly easily.
i wasn’t even thinking about that, just being a dick but holy shit that actually makes sense haha.
“You stole my girlfriend and put in constant danger! Clearly I am the bad guy!”
“You people (boooooooo) saw John Cena (yay) take away everything I had (yay). I have been betrayed and I will seek my revenge (boooooooooo).”
Keep in mind that this is the same company that had Rhodes and DiBiase get beaten down and humiliated by Randy Orton on a weekly basis and when they manned up and beat on him they were the heels, so it’s a very possible that Ryder will go on full heel.
McMahon values are cruel and brutal. And too much of the audience wants to go along with them.
Actually, I thought Bryan winning would be your favorite moment, so shows what I know.
Okay, the thing with team Laurinatis is that that needs to happen on Raw, not a PPV. I didn’t pay (or illegallyl stream) EC to watch promos. I want to see some gosh darn rasslin’. I would have loved to see Swagger have a proper build up for a title match, against a real competitor (McIntyre please!!!). Hell, even a tag championship against the Usos would have been a better choice.
The promos are for Mondays and Fridays.
I think the biggest Best of last night was that we didn’t have to have any HHH/Undertaker, which was a very pleasant surprise.
I was most happy about them making Daniel Bryan look like a bad ass for the first time in a while. Jericho is severely allergic to cameras apparently (?) and was unconscious, while Daniel Bryan had his head smashed in a metal door, then whipped everyone’s ass, and retained the title. Good for him.
I would have preferred to have seen DBry just cold murder everyone but I’ll be happy to settle for him looking indestructible and tenacious again like he was at MitB.
Yeah, I really don’t know what Jericho’s going for, and am happy that My Boy DBry Right Here continues to be our tough-as-nails vegan idol.
@Brandon — from everything I’ve seen here, isn’t it possible Jericho’s character is now Spiteful Prick? I mean that differently from Best In the World Jericho, who was a pretty spiteful prick, but this might actually be an evolution about that, and it plays in well with this accidental three-act WWE career he’s had:
Act 1: Y2J, millennial man, savior who trips (heh) over his own feet, eventually finds himself at a momentary peak high point, but then gets shuffled right back into Jokey Party Boy mode talking about Steff’s breastes and such.
Act 2: The adult, sober Man of Truth with the brutal feud with Shawn, a few runs as World champ, but everyone (mostly rightfully) forgets about that abysmal match at WM with Piper, Snuka & Steamboat. The subtext of that one, though, was “hey Jericho, watch yourself or they’ll haul your ass out in fifteen years to flub a Lionsault and die of a heart attack in-ring,” the cruel underlining of all Jericho’s anger.
And then Act 3: the egotist undone, the prince unthroned. Jericho’s after-Chamber promo was grade-A heel promo from like ’86 NWA. Jericho the character knows he went away too long and someone’s taken his spot (the unspoken battle of his entire career) and he’s desperate to reclaim it. Remember, in all his iterations, Jericho’s always been an insecure, oversensitive jerk; he just sometimes got cheered for it.
And really, isn’t CM Punk’s tale Jericho’s tale, but victorious (so far)? Hell, Punk actually managed to beat HHH, something Jericho could never do.
So yeah, this might not be a Jericho anyone was hoping for, but it might be the most honest Jericho there can be in 2012.
Just a wonderful post. Another person who I’d happily read if they did the B/W of Wrestlemania.
call me crazy but I would really love to see a mini-feud between Bryan/Santino ala the Danielson/Delirious feud in ROH.
They have four matches pretty much ready for WrestleMania. As a whole, I think these matches do have potential to be entertaining, even if half of the competitors in these matches are part-time guys, but I am so incredibly worried that the rest of the card will be the biggest Money in the Bank ladder match of all-time and a showing of the extended cut of The Rock’s new documentary DVD.
So far the card looks pretty good!
Punk / Jericho – Both of these guys have the potential, and history, to make me CARE and LOVE wrestling. They might be great together!
DRAGON / Irish Dude – I like both of these guys! I’m going in hoping for the best despite knowing it’ll be a big step for Sheamus to become the new Cena.
HHH / Undertaker – Well, you know, whatever. At least…? … Sorry, guys, I can’t spin this.
Rock / Cena – Cena can deliver a good match. Ring Ka King has taught me that an excited crowd makes even mediocre wrestling something great and I can’t imagine the crowd being anything but amazing.
If we’re all good boys and girls we might get Laurinaitis Power Stable versus Gabriel / Santino / I don’t know, Big Zeke? / Kofi Kingston in a TLC match. Or something.
Still, I’m really excited! WRESTLING!
Honestly, it’s a blessing that we have four matches this far ahead. For evidence, I point you to Swagger/Gabriel (additionally, I love the thought that Gabriel just wanders around backstage looking to harass other people in tights in hopes that Teddy Long sees it). But I’m worried that instead of taking six weeks to make me care about another match between like, off the top of my head, Ziggler and Orton, everyone just hangs around for six weeks and we get that 12-man TLC match that involves Big Zeke (way later on the card than the Bryan/Sheamus match of course).
Great writeup, Brandon!
The more I think on last night the more I become unsure as to how I feel about it. The easy parts are:
John Cena v Kane: Sucked! I won’t go into why this whole feud has been unintentionally hilarious at best and boring at worst (spoiler alert: Kane) but last night just showed how bad Cena could be in the ring with someone that can’t work. It’s not Cena’s fault, either, it’s all about Kane just being terrible.
The only thing I can really add is that this feud seemed to be designed to give Cena a good push so that he’d have some chance at being popular at Wrestlemania, but that the way the feud went down and with those involved it seemed to only appeal to people who already love Cena.
Maybe if there existed a realm in which someone could actually “go too far” in the WWE we could have had something interesting go on. Unfortunately, the WWE is pretty terribly fascist in its storytelling and might will always make right so Cena could just straight up stab Kane to death and it would still be done in a way so that Cena came out looking like the hero.
I’m serious, Orton, Punk, Cena, Triple H, and everyone else can bring untold amounts of pain and suffering on people who deserve such punishment because they are unpopular or otherwise “bad”. There’s no line for Cena to cross. There’s no hate for him to embrace. Brandon is right, good guys should act like good guys and not just be good guys because, eh, kids buy their shit.
Brandon: wait! Has Burnsy ever written a B&W? If so, I must read it NOW!
He hasn’t yet, but he should. I’d get him to cover Mania, but he’ll probably be there with me.
That would be awesome if he did, I’d totally read “Burnsy’s B&W Corner”
To be fair to them this time Sheamus and Bryan had a match on Smackdown that had Bryan slap Sheamus in the face a couple times to get him to self DQ, so its not like they had zero history and he just wandered out there to select him.
I’m sitting at the Reference Desk waiting for someone to ask me to see that .gif of Dolph Ziggler dying. There must not be any wrestling fans in my library :(
Santino’s whole deal last night seemed to be to really strengthen D-Bry as heel. Seriously, go back and watch that whole last 3 minute segment, and then realize why they were doing the corny backstage segments…they were building up sentiment for a dude we’ve been conditioned to believe (since the Milan Miracle, because Bobby Lashley was never ever involved in that, ever, right?) can win in an upset. It was pretty smart booking. Also, it was just fun.
i still remember going nuts thinking Taka Michinoku was going to win the belt from Triple H, after all. That was one of my favorite moments ever.
“Welcome to the first presidential debate between Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes. First question for Mr. Barrett. Were you born in the United States?”
“No. I was born in England.”
“Thank you. Next question is for candidate Rhodes. How old are you?
“27.”
“Thank you. Neither of you can be legally elected president. Thanks for your time.”
Boosh!
Glad I”m not the only one that thought this was a bad lead up to ‘mania. Going to ACW immediately before didn’t help, either.
Yeah, the yoga pants match during the pre-show is probably my favorite match of the calendar year so far.
I would have loved it if Bryan had been able to wrap a chain around his arm and mma elbowed someone’s head in until they resembled the elevator guy in Drive. Also thanks for another great write up Brandon and the commenters here are funnier than 99% of the internet. This site vastly improves the entire wrestling viewing experience.
Glad to be of service. And yeah, any Daniel Bryan moment that evokes the Morishima feud is tops in my book.
My biggest problem of the Raw Chamber and the Jericho elimination was after Jericho gets his skull caved in and eliminated, two minutes later Punk kicks Miz in the head with the same skull caving kick and Miz is able to kick out and then go on a huge offensive flurry. It finished taking me out of the match.
If you’re going to write a blog in which you use the “f word”, just fucking say it. Don’t star it out. It makes you look like a 13 year old mark with a wrestling livejournal.
I’m sorry his self-censorship has ruined your day
F**k yourself.
I type fuck and shit like that because I write for a mainstream blog with sponsors, and they get mad when fuck or shit show up in the body of a post they’re sponsoring. Because I want to make money (but still want to say fuck or shit) I type f**k or sh*t.
I am okay looking like a 13 year old mark with a wrestling livejournal if that wrestling livejournal pays my bills.
Nice write up Brandon, I only have a minor quibble: Even when you compliment my favorite wrestler at the moment (Kofi), it seems you are hating on him too. Oh well, keep up the good work otherwise.
Hey Brandon did you read TH’s take on Santino from this morning? He had a very similar in the idea of “fuck it, it works.” Like isn’t the idealistic point of wrestling is to make the crowd happy? So if 15,000 people scream their head off when Santino power walks to the ring then it’s probably not the worst thing to happen on a show. Clearly the worst thing to happen is Natalya being denegrated to fartress…
Anyway I guess my point is how awesome of a foil would Archibald Peck be for Santino? Can this happen please?
See if Andrew Johnson from the John Report can do it. He did it great the last time he did it for you, and his Smackdown reviews on the TJR site are entertaining.
I believe you mean Tuesday the third, Brandon. And your points about Daniel Bryan’s piss-offery toward Show in ways that are not matches seems to be a theme among a lot of the programming. There are no bells rung when Sheamus has a “match” either, it’s like everything operates so “impromptu” that a lot of these feuds are becoming interchangeable.
“shut the f**k up, statutory rapist” may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
You know, I hear that John Cena fellow never gives up and never backs down
YES!!!
I ain’t sayin Eve’s a gold digger, but she ain’t hangin’ with no broke jobber.
+1
Eve “Embraced The Skank”
My responses to the show are going to be fifteen minutes behind because of the delayed feed I get on The Score. I’m a little ashamed that I’m reinforcing the stereotype of Canadians being slow.
Lol join the club. *Tosses JesusV2 a jacket.
Check it out, if you pose like this *Jericho pose* it lights up!