Here’s a fun little factoid for you crazy sports fans out there: athletes tend to buy really expensive houses. Who would have thunk it, right? Well it turns out that in a lot of cases, when athletes retire or change teams, they sell those houses and then people have an opportunity to take a look inside and see how the 1% really lives. And I’m almost always disappointed by the lack of bearsharktopus cages. Step your game up, so-called ballers.
Yesterday, the Cookie Kwans at Realtor.com posted some of the latest listings of current and former Major League Baseball players, and while there wasn’t anything too crazy, it was still pretty interesting. For instance, I can’t quite wrap my brain around how a guy could invest a quarter of his 5-year, $80 million salary into a home purchase, but then again nobody has yet to accept my challenge of giving me $80 million just to see how fast I can blow it. Offer still stands, billionaires. Let’s get this done.
Search for your dream home after the jump, you silly cash cows.
Location: Orlando, Florida
Price: $10.9 million
Amenities: 14,500 sq. ft., movie theater, private disco, pool, tennis court, a marble bust of Dusty Baker
The Lowdown: Since this one is right in my backyard, I already made a very generous offer of $60 and an autographed Pat Listache Rated Rookie card; however, I have yet to hear back from the realtor. Elitist jerks.
Location: Bradbury, California
Price: $19.8 million
Amenities: 16,000 sq. ft., guarded gate, batting cages, 7 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms
The Lowdown: This beautiful palace was reportedly built in 2004, but some people think it was more like 1999.
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
Price: $3.7 million
Amenities: 7,000 sq. ft., an elevator, built on a private golf course
The Lowdown: Despite seeming like the kind of guy who would sleep above a garage, Burrell has lived a luxurious lifestyle in one of America’s snootiest cities. However, while modestly valued, this house still far underperforms its asking price.
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Price: $3.495 million
Amenities: 5,000 sq. ft., wine cellar, cigar room, pool, stylish dude man cave
The Lowdown: All joking aside, I want to buy this house. I’d call it the Downton Burnsy.
Location: Encinitas, California
Price: $1.395 million
Amenities: Expensive imported hardwood floors, a tropical lagoon pool with a waterfall and waterslide – all of which should probably get an extra large dose of chlorine
The Lowdown: For some reason, there’s a lot of red throughout this house, which makes it seem a little more evil than I’d prefer in a luxurious home. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m wealthy enough to afford a mansion outside of San Diego, I want people to know that I’m hellbent on world domination, but I just think he could lighten it up with some more natural shades. Also, that lawn looks like a pain.
Location: Seattle, Washington
Price: $5.35 million
Amenities: A saltwater pool (throw in a pet shark and I’m sold), batting cage, croquet yard (ooh la la, your majesty), an outdoor pizza oven
The Lowdown: Seattle, huh? Nice photoshop on that picture. There’s not nearly enough miserably aggravating drizzle, unless that picture was taken in the 16 seconds that the sun is out during the entire year.
Location: Milton, Georgia
Price: $7.2 million
Amenities: 18,265 sq. ft., a private 18-hole golf course, fishing pond, jogging trail, a full football field, basketball court, baseball field
The Lowdown: This place is like a Disney resort on steroids.
Location: San Francisco, California
The Price: $1.795 million
Amenities: A solarium, 2 master suites, floor to ceiling windows
The Lowdown: From the outside, this looks like the kind of place I’d drive right past if I were looking for rentals, and if I actually stopped, I’d probably ask the realtor to bring a pressure washer with him. But it’s incredibly deceptive, as the inside is awesome. And he’d have to leave that zebra print rug. That’s a dealbreaker.
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
The Price: $3.1 million
Amenities: Rooftop patios with a hot tub, marble flooring throughout, an elevator, and I assume sound-proof walls for excessive screaming
The Lowdown: It’s surprisingly nice for such a seemingly dude-bro like Paps, but I wouldn’t be shocked if the crib in his Red Sox-themed nursery is filled with Natty Ice cans.