*distance above hate risen may vary
Pre-show notes:
- Tonight’s Raw carries two major narratives: 1) What will happen when Chief Operating Officer Triple H returns to Raw to give Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw John Laurinaitis a job evaluation even though Laurinaitis was the one who got Triple H fired from HIS position as Raw GM because sometimes the GM has more power than the COO and sometimes he doesn’t, and then there’s a board of directors and ah f**k it, I’m going to mark this part out and 2) which championship will Royal Rumble winner Sheamus choose to challenge for at Wrestlemania?
Also, we may get appearances by a returning Kharma, a possibly returning Road Dogg and/or something awful where Mae Young shows up to make out with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The Royal Rumble was weird.
- Poll:
- It will not.
- Programming Note: Due to some technical and personal issues I don’t really want to get into, there won’t be a Best And Worst of Royal Rumble 2012 up today. The Raw report is still going up tomorrow as always, and I’ll make sure the Rumble review is up as soon as possible.
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Can we at least get an “Undertaker’s wig/Kane’s wig” match at ‘Mania?
Shucky Ducky Quack Quack!
I’m just trying to help the thread reach 2,000.
Oh, and uh, rabble rabble rabble HHH rabble rabble Johnny Ace rabble rabble ‘Taker.
1. Why the hell is Kofi wearing Matthew Lesko’s underwear?
2. These threads and the best/worsts are the reason I’m watching Raw and the PPVS with my son. I haven’t watched in well over ten years and I’m right back into it, so thanks.
Brandon’s reaction to reaching 1500+ Comments:
[www.youtube.com]
My reaction:
[www.youtube.com]
+a million
I think Undertaker just got sick of HHH taking twenty minutes to get to the goddamn point already.
That last segment was really painful to watch. But looking back even just an hour later, it was, in a weird way, everything to everyone. All of the mouthbreathers going nuts for Ayches got to cheer for him and boo Ace. Those of us who are enjoying Ace got to squirm for a while, certain that we were about to get fucked, and at the last second they did the right thing. And Taker, which is always welcome. I’m not sure it wasn’t by accident, but I think that actually worked out pretty well.
I’ve been saying for a while that they’re doing a good job in giving the entire audience something to like. Once you realize that a full half of any given show is Not For You it all becomes easier to accept.
I mean, when you consider that the people who want Johnny to stay the most are by and large the same people who enjoy the Funkasaurus the most, it’s not an easy job putting together a show that appeals to everyone. The rest of the time you’re just going to have to quietly wish for Triple H to rupture his vocal cords, and be grateful when he doesn’t ruin everything.
And for the love of God, my phone just predicted Funkasaurus as I was typing it. I need to start reading books or something.
Brodus’ thigh gyrations remind me of the Hypnotoad. ALL GLORY TO THE FUNKASAURUS.
You watched it. You can’t unwatch it.
That’s all for me, and I have to say that watching Raw with you fine folks made that much more fun.
Brandon, whatever you had going on this weekend, I hope that this open thread gave you more than 1,500 reasons to have a great night! Can’t wait for tomorrow’s column
I’ve got it! Kane will reveal his EVIL PLAN. Eve has been in on it the whole time and is actually Kane’s new girlfriend. This will kill Zack for realz and Eve will reveal her last name is Vick and she will take advantage of Ryder in his full body cast.
So is Ziggler in purgatory? I’m not expecting him to be champ but he’s better than jobber to the stars.
next week: eve vs. kane’s pyro. she wins if it doesn’t make her run away.
just for the record i kind of feel bad for ragging on eve, who while not great is far from the most worthless person on the roster. but it’s fun to watch when she is, uh, challenged by things
I’m surprised that Kofi won! It’s not February, yet.
Yeah right? Surprisingly smart booking.
think about this: Funkasaurus comes out, interrupting Taker, saying “My Bad!”
Funkasaurus should challenge, I feel like he could take Taker.
easy shot, since Taker’s knees are so bad he really can’t pose a dancing challenge.
Okay, changed my mind, one last comment:
Can’t really get excited about HHH vs. Undertaker for the umpteenth time… but what if we got HBK in the mix and made a triple threat? Yes? No? Discuss.
HBK as ref?
Can’t stand Michaels, but he would be the only truly mobile wrestler of the three, could even overshadow the Cena/Rock wankfest
No straight triple threat match. I still don’t think I’d really give a shit but I’d take it over HHH v Undertaker.
I’d be down for a Cena/Rock/HHH/Undertaker/Kane Last Man Standing Inferno match. Tie up all those loose ends in one ambulance ride.
So yeah, I didn’t watch RAW tonight as per last week’s vow. I’m just here to see if he’s giving badges out since I guess I missed the make poopies one for the rumble.
Am I 1500?
So since this is post 1,500, what’s my prize?
Aww nuts!
1500!
Well, 1499 and 1501. That’s still pretty cool.
One hour from now: Big Johnny sitting on ring apron eating a turkey sandwich. Hornswoggle emerges from under ring.
Swog: Hey, John. How’d it go?
JL: I dunno, he didn’t say anything. Undertaker showed up, and next thing you know, everyone just leaves. I figure he should be back soon, though.
Swog: Wow, that’s weird. Did he, like, forget about you?
JL: Nah, no way. I’m the only reason he came here in the first place. I’ll just wait. You want half of this sandwich?
Swog: I’m good, thanks. But I’ll hang here with you for a while.
*Another hour passes. Arena lights go out, far off sound of door closing.
Swog: I think they forgot you, dude.
You get a Best from me, and that’s just from Big Johnny eating a turkey sandwich on the ring apron. Just a-danglin his feet.
Big Johnny’s actual post-Raw meal, as it has been for the past six years, is a saltine sandwich (on white bread) with hot ham water.
So Taker saved EVPoTRaIGMoR’s job? I don’t think we’d be able to survive HHH as GM again, unless we got another walkout, hopefully one involving the fans.
I’m just trying to help get to 1500.
john cena purse balls
I swear my first thought when Taker showed up was “Holy crap, Johnny is the Undertaker! The Withleather gang called it!” I love you guys.
Ain’t no wave, can hold my Johnny down…
By the end of the night, Triple H lost his smile…
I feel like he’ll conveniently gain it back by Wrestlemania
Taker: Hi, Hunter. You never called. I had a really good time with you last year, and um, I don’t know if it was something I said or did? I…really…liked you.
H: Oh, Taker, hey…geez… Uhh, look. You’re a great guy and all and we had some laughs, but I’m just not looking for that kind of commitment right now. Sooo… I think…we should just stay friends.
Taker: But… Mania *points to sign*
H: I’m sorry. You’ll find someone…really…great. I gotta go.
Sid would call back. He’d even make poopies for him
Hunter will find a note in his in box on his desk.
“Do you want to Wrestlemania with me? Check Yes/No”
Taker has Ernie call H at home to ask if he’d ever WrestleMania with anyone from class
Meet me behind the slides if “yes.” He goes to the slides and sees HHH and Nash holding hands and he runs away crying. “At least I’ll always have you, urn” ::cries::
Then he finds a note from the Revolting Blob that says “P.S. I’m horny”.
I feel like it’s a wonderful and understated point that Lobster Mobster has made Undertaker use “WrestleMania” as a verb.
This is now canon. WrestleMania is a verb. So say’th the WithLeather Community. Wooo.
Sad they ditched ‘Ain’t No Grave’ as Undertaker’s theme
Although he is looking pretty old… :/
I didn’t even realize that. Please let the theme revert be a best
Seriously, shouldn’t it be someone oh, at least a decade younger to end the Streak, so they can carry that mantle for awhile?
Not “show up in a suit” Ken?
You people are the reason I can survive HHH and continue to watch another day. Good night!
When the Undertaker doesn’t get what he wants his music just seems depressing.
The fact that John Laurinaitis possibly having to kiss HHH’s ass got a bigger crowd reaction than the entire Punk/Bryan match just makes me sad.
Kansas City is why we can’t have nice things. This night also proved that the douche in the WWF hockey jersey still does watch wrestling. In droves.
/fuck, I’m sorry, Stroud.
I think we need to make it our goal to get someone from the community close enough to the ring at a Raw show so that, at a very quiet moment when HHH is in the ring, they can just yell:
“NOBODY CARES! GO AWAY!”
Or maybe even just: “KATIE VICK!”
This is the best possible night: Despite expecting this episode to take a turn towards the worst (HHH) it managed to be really good and you all were hilarious and insightful. You all are the best.
Goodnight! <3
Anyone else notice they had an awesome iconic shot of Taker nearly silhouetted in front of the Wrestlemania sign with his eyes shaded by the brim of his hat for a couple seconds that they should of just stuck with til the end but the director called for an extreme close up of Taker making poopies faces instead to close it out.
So I guess we can assume that Taker just saved Big Johnny’s job? I always knew he was a dynamic dude
Holy shit you guys, we might actually get to 1,500 comments. Unbelievable. I love you guys so much, I need to give you a Brandon Hugs You badge.
>=)
Just make even one Dugout about the Pirates and we’re square.
Seriously, thank YOU for making Monday Nights interesting again, even for us jaded old dudes.
I got to see The Kat in a bubble wrap bikini on every page refresh. It was my pleasure.
I want two! I’m needy.
This is the first place I’ve found to post about wrestling where half the posts aren’t reasons why the other posters are stupid/wrong/homosexual.
So thanks, Brandon. It’s really fun.
Pretty good Raw overall, I think. I expected more from Jericho. After months of cryptic videos he returns to not win the Royal Rumble, then attacks Punk out of nowhere. I dunno, I expected something a bit heavier, but I guess I’ll just be glad he’s back.
it’s been a pleasure sir. now why hasn’t my vickie guerrero avatar loaded?!
>=}
Is it a creepy lingering hug? Or a Philippe “Huuuuugz!” hug?
Is there big crossover appeal between Raw and White Collar fans?
I am from Kansas City and am now pissed that I didn’t get a ticket so I could’ve shown some love to Big Johnny.
It’s like we all willed Taker to come back. If we try hard, Taker will always come out shut Aytches mouth and challenge him to a nearly-geriatric staring match.
With all the flared nostrils we can take!
I’m gonna go ahead and just remember this Raw as Punk/Dragon. I’ll ignore everything else.
Agreed. Officially retconned.
Yeah, I’m just going to pretty do this every week. Focus on the Punk/Jericho/Elimination build, ignore everything involving HHH and Undertaker.
shocked at no update on the Long Island Iced Z.
My medical condition? You don’t know it!
He’s pretty fucked up, bro!
He’s waiting for Ron Popeil to invent the technology to keep human heads alive in jars.
He had his back broken twice in consecutive weeks! I’d say he’ll be out at least until the PPV.
Maybe being in the town of Over the Edge ’99 they decided to hold off on dramatic hushed injury updates for the week.
They updated his medical status. He’s been downgraded from “broken back” to “really bad hangnail”.
Next week, Undy can’t find a WM opponent and finally forced to give up and go with his cousin.
Can Triple H and the Undertaker stare at each other for 2 whole months? We’ll find out as we take the Road To Wrestlemania!
This is going to end in Big Johnny saving his job by getting Lesnar to fight Taker at Mania, isn’t it?
I’m totally cool with it. Very much digging those last 5 minutes of Raw, and 3 of those minutes were Taker walking. And another minute of him staring at the Mania sign.
That or David Otunga is going to be Big Johnny’s Knight in shining Argyle and saves him with the Law!
Fawse, you’re funny and should post more.
I’m content with consistently being Fawse’s feeder so he can continue to bring it. I know my place in the food chain. And I am definitely no Funkasaurus, er, carnivore.
Point proven?
You a good thinky funkasaur Mr. U.
/FWIW, I’m more on the lurky/snipey end of the food chain.
THESTINGER doesn’t want Triple H to die but he does want Triple H to become a poor black man with mental retardation in Texas with a Republican governor.
Stern but fair.
This.
Eh, I (reluctantly) like it.
As long as the motivation is that ‘Taker beat the everloving shit out of HHH last year, and instead of accepting that his time had passed and riding off into the sunset like HBK did, HHH came back and swung his dick around all damn year. So ‘Taker is here to bury him for good.
And then HHH will win and everything will be ruined forever.
I’ll take anything that prevents HHH from burying Mr. Excitement. Even this whole “rivalry” again.
HHH is like a dog that won’t stop humping people, and Undertaker is the toy you use to distract him.
You know what, overall this was a REALLY GOOD Raw! Punk/Bryan was great, the Glam Slam gives me goosebumps, Big Johnny still has a job. Even HHH didn’t fuck it up.
I’m happy. Now why the fuck can’t I upload an avatar?
So Taker was roused from his hibernation by the glow of the Wrestlemania sign, but this time HHH won’t answer his obsession. Are they going to make it that Johnny needs to bring in an opponent for Taker, with his job depending on Taker losing at Wrestlemania?
No this is great HHH just put Johnny through all that shit about personal issues clouding judgement and how hes over all of that and then Taker whos bitched HHH twice at Wrestlemania shows up and steals all his applause
I’m positive Taker and Triple H had this mental conversation: [www.youtube.com]
I guess HHH isn’t going to the prom with Undertaker.
Well, that was odd at best.
Does this mean Johnny doesn’t get future endeavored until next week, or does that just not happen now, or can they arrange a meeting in Connecticut, or how does this work now? If he just disappears like the damn computer then that’s dumb…or consistent.
Taker had a serious poopies face when doing the throat slash
THESE POOPIES ARE FUUUUUCKED