hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom

After a brief hiatus caused by me doing this goddamn comic strip seven years in a row without stopping and needing a break inactivity in the world of baseball, The Dugout is back and ready to tackle the tough issues, such as Manny Ramirez going swimming with a bunch of old people in a T.O.-esque attempt to show he’s still athletic and able to play professional sports.

As we build to the greatest day of the year (pitchers and catchers report~), we’ll go back and touch on some of the stories we may’ve missed, like Jim Thome getting traded to Philadelphia, Kyle Farnsworth miraculously not being traded anywhere and Brian Wilson putting on spandex that looks like a tuxedo so people will write about him when he does his dishes. We’ll also become increasingly obsessed with Albert Pujols, despite his entire story being “I’m great at baseball so whatever, I’ll go play it for a billion dollars somewhere”. We may also write about Dan Quisenberry, even if you don’t give a righteous f**k who that is.

Anyway, welcome back to the weirdest, most well-established, most sorta-racist fictional world in pro sports reporting. Today’s Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	** Online Host ** Welcome to the Senior Citizens Gated Community Spa Swimming Pool Chatroom!
	MannyTheTorpedoes: nyah hee hee nyah /splashes around in duck floaties
	Ethel: excuse me, son I think you may be in the wrong place, this is an aquatic exercise class.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: manny bein granny
	Ethel: What are you wearing on your head?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: adull diper /
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i needit somthin to catch my doo
	Ethel: Well, that’ll do it.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: im praticin in swimmeng pool so busselig will lemme back into beisbol
	Ethel: You play baseball? Why won’t they let you play baseball?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: there mean
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also cause i did drogs an drogs is alegal, i did the strds an put all of them in my body, cream an clear, ate em up
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also i fleed the country so i woolent get caught
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also im like 46 yrs ol
	MannyTheTorpedoes: also i be my wife
	Ethel: I’m sorry?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: be her in the face w/ my hans — but case close because i close it
	Ethel: well I only understood about a third of that, but you seem like a nice young man, I’m sure you’ll be fine and they’ll let you play baseball again.
	MannyTheTorpedoes: i wan play spies an i wanna do it the righ way /voice trembles
	Ethel: Spies? What do spies do?
	MannyTheTorpedoes: THISSS /dunks old lady
	Ethel: glarble glarble glarghhh
	MannyTheTorpedoes: no today evil commonist!!! manny ramirez is back an he will protenct beisbol!!! /pulls old lady up from drowning hell
	Ethel: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A MONSTER, SECURITY
	MannyTheTorpedoes: /flees pool
	**Online Host** Two hours later
	MannyTheTorpedoes: im sorry ethel can u please give manny another chance at pool he want to do it righ, swim right for family /gets choked up
	Ethel: all right, you’re old and you tricked me and assaulted me and are wearing a diaper on your head, but you’re sorta interesting and good at swimming so here, come back in, all is forgiven
	MannyTheTorpedoes: yayayayaya /cannonballs into 3-foot-deep pool
	MannyTheTorpedoes: this is so much better than dominican republic, for a secon i thot i was gon have to chain my name
	**Online Host** Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic Chatroom…
	BaseballScout: From now on, you’ll be Fausto Carmona in Cleveland, Ohio.
	BaseballScout: Let’s just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona", you’ll say "thanks".
	RobertoHeredia: Check.
	BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	BaseballScout: Remember now, your name is Fausto Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: I gotcha.
	BaseballScout: Here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona.
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	**Online Host** A long time later…
	BaseballScout: ughhhhh now when I say "here’s a 15 million dollar contract, Mr. Carmona" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod
	RobertoHeredia: No problem.
	BaseballScout: here’s a 15 million dollar contract mr. carmona /stomps foot repeatedly
	RobertoHeredia: /stares blankly
	RobertoHeredia: /walks 8 straight batters

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