Best: Fred Blassie And Andy Richter Constituting The Same Amount Of Celebrity Judge
The celebrity guest judges for the Miss Rumble 2000 start off terrible and gradually improve until they’re great — things start off with Sgt. Slaughter, but not “Sgt. Slaughter” really, that backstage “third stooge” Sgt. Slaughter who looks just a little too old and is wearing just one too many black items of dress clothing and sorta looks like a guy you’d bump into fleeing a porno theater. Up next is Tony Garea, quite possibly the most forgettable successful pro wrestler in history, looking like a dude who’d try to sell you a Kia on television. Then we get Johnny Valentine, making as secret an appearance as he can make in public as “Johnny V” before quickly moving on, never to be seen again.
But then, “Classy” Freddie Blassie. I don’t care how old you are, if you like pro wrestling haven’t made an effort to cultivate as much knowledge as possible about Classy Freddie Blassie, you’re doing it wrong. Blassie is one of the rare guys who sort of exists as and died peacefully as a Big Important Wrestling Thing without all the dragging through the mud most wrestling legacies get. You can’t remember Hogan without what he’s doing now. You can’t remember Flair without the post-retirement match bullsh*t he’s put us through on Impact. But Blassie … you can remember Blassie however you want. All of it is great.
When everyone sits down, we find out that Andy Richter from Conan O’Brien is also there, and it’s the year 2000. That’s basically the full scale of humanity’s excellence.
Worst: Say What You Will About Hiring Models Instead Of Wrestlers, But…
Okay, so, bikini contests.
One of the biggest complaints I hear about modern WWE women’s wrestling is that they don’t hire actual wrestlers, they hire Hawaiian Tropic models and teach them how to wrestle. This is true. Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres get hired because John Laurinaitis saw them flipping through an issue of Hooters magazine at the grocery store or whatever while women like Madison Eagles and Jessie McKay get passed over and have to work day jobs. It’s bullsh*t, sure, but consider this: What does WWE DO when they have real wrestlers who happen to be female?
Please consult this bikini contest, wherein Ivory, Jacqueline, Luna Vachon and so on wear bikinis and do booty dances or whatever and really cross that line from being respectable people I enjoy to gross looking things I don’t want to see move. Jacqueline in particular is a Brazzers ad on the side of a live pay-per-view. Man, I hate those things. I try to peacefully masturbate to the first five minutes of an Allie Sin video where she’s just kissing or whatever and RIGHT in my peripherals is a guy just smacking the sh*t out of a big nasty beige fake tit and then it’s starwipe to brutal anal. That’s Jacqueline.
I guess the weird thing is that when they employed real wrestlers they put them in nonstop bikini contests, and now that they have bikini models, they put them in nonstop tag matches.
Best: The Kat, Holy Sh*t
The Kat. Miss Kitty. She wasn’t much of a television character, but oh man, as a guy who finds trashy women from the Bible Belt attractive she was as good as it got. Her bubble wrap bikini is the highlight of this, an image that would be both visually and tactilely enjoyable if I hadn’t had the frontal lobe of my brain scorched off by the monster that is fleshtoned Terri Runnels going vag-up on the ring ropes.
True story: I ran into The Kat a few years after this when I was working at an Applebee’s in Naples, Florida. She was super nice, and even brought me a signed picture the next time she was in.
Also a true story: I could’ve married her if I’d put a slaughterhouse hook through my nuts and added a bunch of Zs to my words, or whatever.
Worst: That One Disagreeable Diva
Oh, before I forget, in relation to what WWF/E does with Divas, the very worst thing they do is when they have one of the Divas get “upset” about what’s happening so they can have a talking point for anyone watching who might think “hey, this is bad to women”. Here it’s Ivory, who says she doesn’t want to do this and eventually strips down, and Luna, who refuses to participate even though she’s in the ring in a string bikini and a see-through negligee. They always write in the one “bitch” Diva who doesn’t want to have fun and “entertain the fans”. Molly Holly was that scapegoat for YEARS. And Molly was prettier and better and bettier than any number of Torries Wilson.
Worst: Pre-Crisis Mae Young Is CRISIS Mae Young
Here’s what happened: Because WWF thinks Mae Young being sexual is funny (a thing they still do now and will assumedly do until Mae is cold in the ground… and possibly AFTER that, if they can figure out a way to CGI her into anniversary shows), they put gross prosthetic “saggy boobs” on her and made her “strip” in a sexual frenzy for the enjoyment and/or lulz of the crowd. Mark Henry tried to cover her up, but the old man judges (and Andy Richter, I guess) preferred her nudity to Jacqueline’s interpretive gangbang and awarded her Miss Rumble 2000.
What happened when I watched it originally: Rumble 2000 happened when all my friends were still into wrestling (thanks a lot for reorganizing our priorities, stupid 9/11), and I remember watching it with them live and turning my head to the side when I saw Mae was stripping. I heard them all going OHHHH and UGHHHH and BLEGGHHHHH and so on, but didn’t see it. I didn’t actually see what happened until I rewatched the show yesterday, over a decade later.
What I thought about it: It was sorta like that opening scene in Ghostbusters. When I was a kid, I always covered my eyes so I wouldn’t be scared, because that was the scariest part. I watched it a few years ago and thought, “oh, that’s not so bad, it looks like a gay ape”. So what I’m saying here is that Mae Young’s boobs look like a gay ape.
Best: lol mark henry
Young Mark Henry is so adorable here. I remember Sexual Chocolate and all that horrible stuff, but actually seeing him as a small, helplessly ineffective loser who may or may not be able to bench 2,000 pounds is so confusing and charming. I want to go back in time and hug him and tell him It Gets Better.